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CHILLERAMA
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| Unrated
| | Copyright 2011 ArieScope Pictures
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Reviewed by Andrew Borntreger on 25 March 2012
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My bad movie spider sense was tingling when I discovered this DVD. The packaging describes it as a homage to anthology movies and classic drive-in films, and the cover artwork is a chaotic montage of monsters, girls, guns, and even Hitler. Sometimes it is movies like this that turn out to be unknown gems. So, I bought it. Oh boy, was this film ever an unpleasant surprise. It is, as advertised, four short films with another movie wrapped around them to provide a thread of continuity. It does indeed attempt to pay homage to classic exploitation and b-movies. Unfortunately, what they did was not so much homage as copy. Just as bad, almost all of the short films are filled with juvenile sexual humor that is presented in the most offensive manner possible.
The overall setting for "Chillerama" is a drive-in operated by a Cecil B. Kaufman. It is the final night before the old place closes, so Mr. Kaufman is determined to go out in style by showing four previously unreleased movies. The drive-in's last patrons are the normal eclectic mix, including a jerk and his hot date and three friends who love b-movies. One of the drive-in employees decides to stop by his late wife's grave before work. No, he wasn't bringing her flowers. He wanted to defile her corpse. The dead wife comes back to life and bites off the man's testicles. Rather than seek medical attention, the suddenly soprano reports for work as normal, but something is obviously wrong with him. Things go from potentially bad to worse as the evening progresses.
First up on the drive-in's final night of fright is "Wadzilla." It is the story of Miles Munson, a man whose sperm count is incredibly low, and what sperm he does produce are completely unmotivated to do anything. In case you are wondering, that is abnormal. Sperm are usually extremely motivated mother-making chaps. After taking an experimental drug meant to invigorate his spermatozoon (yes, that's singular), Miles experiences "side effects." He creates a monster sperm that continues to grow and grow until it is large enough to rape the Statue of Liberty. The military is forced to blow the slippery beast to pieces, resulting in a lot of people, Miles included, being splashed with white goo.
Next on the drive-in's list of films is "I Was a Teenage Werebear." Now, I didn't think that it was possible for the movie to sink any lower into childish sexual humor than the first short film, but I was mistaken. Everyone knows that bear is sometimes used to describe a big, hairy, gay man, right? Well, take a look at the title and guess what. Yep. They went there. Stop shaking your head no. "I Was a Teenage Werebear" is about a teenage boy who gets bit on the butt by another boy. After which, when aroused, the boy transforms into a heavyset, middle-aged, hairy gay man. The short film freely mixes the Frankie and Annette beach party movies and "Twilight," along with a liberal application of homosexual humor. It is agonizingly painful to me. I spent probably thirty minutes looking for some connection between "I Was a Teenage Werebear" and David DeCoteau, but came up empty-handed (unlike every male in the movie).
The third short movie showing at Mr. Kaufman's drive-in is my favorite, "The Diary of Anne Frankenstein." Hitler discovers where Anne and her family are hiding, kills them all, and takes the notes that her grandfather used to create life from a reassembled corpse. Der Führer makes just one fatal mistake when he builds his own unstoppable monster: he uses Jewish parts. The massive creature tears apart the laboratory, the Führer's mistress, and der Führer's face.
It's not high art by any measure, but compared to the previous two cinematic monstrosities that I have been forced to endure, it's a freaking masterpiece.
The fourth and final movie is "Deathication" which mocks the memory of William Castle. The purported director introduces the film, and threatens that it will scare people so much that they will befoul themselves with excrement. It only lasts for a short while before ending due to events taking place at the drive-in, but it packs plenty of s**t into those the few minutes. Ever want to see a man experiencing projectile dysentery? Well, you're in luck.
Meanwhile, the drive-in has transformed into oversexed zombie central. Through an unfortunate series of events, almost all of the people become zombies that want to fornicate. The last two survivors are a pair of virgins who lock themselves in a car to have sex, hoping that the end doesn't come before they do.
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| Things I Learned From This Movie: | |
|  | Everything that comes out of a zombie is neon blue in color.
| | | Astroglide also produces popcorn butter.
| | | Sperm and pit bulls are almost indistinguishable.
| | | Malibu girls have more sex than IQ.
| | | Jason Voorhees is Jewish.
| | | Nazi scientists invented the clapper.
| | | The Wilhelm scream is the sound of a man being anally raped.
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| | | 13 mins - Miles is single, and by the looks of him, unlikely to enjoy the intimate company of a woman any time soon. Why are his sperm important?
| | | 37 mins - Dude, if masturbating is painful and makes blue goo drip out of your mangled doo-dads, my suggestion is to STOP DOING IT.
| | | 59 mins - Why in the hell am I being subjected to this trash? Am I on candid camera or something? Is David DeCoteau suddenly going to hop out of the bushes and point at the hidden camera as the audience laughes?
| | | 83 mins - OK, that was stupid, but stupid enough to be really funny.
| | | 91 mins - "Salo 2: The Next Day"? EGADS!
| | | 93 mins - RANDOM GRATUITOUS BREAST SHOTS!
| | | 98 mins - Again I ask: why in the hell am I being subjected to this?
| | | 108 mins - God help me, I actually laughed when Mr. Kaufman yelled "Rosebud, motherf***er!"
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| Mr. Kaufman: "Wellll hell-lel-lel-lo kiddies! It's your old friend, Uncle Cecil, welcoming you to the final ghoulish night of murder and mayhem. Yes, my ghouls and gals, it's time for Chillerama!"
| Doctor: (gestures to microscope) "Have a look in there Miles."
Miles: (looking) "Wow! Look at 'em all go."
Doctor: "That is an example of normal sperm, and that (gestures to other microscope) is your sperm."
Miles: (checking out his single wimpy sperm under the microscope) "Yikes. That doesn't look good."
| Ricky: (sing) "Purge this urge. Oh God, I've really got to purge this urge. If nothing else, I've got to purge this urge. Ohhhhhwwweeeoooohhh!"
| Hitler: "I have cracked the code to Dr. Frankenstein's formula."
Eva: "You are so hot when you commit genocide."
| Fernando Phagabeefy: "In other words, this film will rape you with your own feces. And that my friends is a Fernando Phagabeefy promise."
| Mr. Kaufman: "Get your undead d**ks out of my drive-in!" (Followed by the sound of a zombie being shot in the balls with a shotgun.)
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Re: Chillerama
Reply #1. Posted on March 26, 2012, 09:41:26 AM by Pacman000
That sounds absolutely painful. Thanks for posting the review; I now know what to avoid.
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Re: Chillerama
Reply #2. Posted on March 27, 2012, 05:58:37 PM by Torgo
The only segment that I hated in Chillerama was the "I Was a Teenage Werebear" one. I swear that I thought my head would explode a la Scanners trying to make it through that piece of cinematic excrement.
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Re: Chillerama
Reply #3. Posted on March 29, 2012, 08:22:19 AM by JPickettIII
I saw this at Wally World (Wal*Mart for the uniformed) and thought that the asking price was too high. I think it was $15.00 or close to that. So I said I will pass. I am sad that I passed it up. Sounds like a fun film for a brain dead night. Thanks Andy for taking the brunt of the torture on this one  . I will keep an eye on Ebay to see if I can get it cheaper. Later, John |
Re: Chillerama
Reply #4. Posted on March 29, 2012, 08:24:12 AM by JPickettIII
The only segment that I hated in Chillerama was the "I Was a Teenage Werebear" one. I swear that I thought my head would explode a la Scanners trying to make it through that piece of cinematic excrement.
Take some Advil Torgo, this could help with the pain from the explosion. Then wrap your head in a cool towel.  Take care, John |
| Re: Chillerama
Unfortunately, not many laughts for Andrew from watching the film, but many laughs for the rest of us from reading another fine review.
Is it the Hitler segment that raised this from "0 skulls" to "1 slime?" For even by the standards of this website, this does sound, just from the review, like a particularly dreadful film. Almost a certain candidate for the worst film ever made.
As for the sexual humor . . . taking a number of classes on theater, while in college, I do remember from the classes, that sexual humor was regarded as being the lowest form of humor there was. But, there are some people that can do it, and there are some people that can't. Shakespeare could. The late British director/screenwriter Ken Russell could. But, obviously, the people who made this film can't.
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| Re: Chillerama
I picked this up myself a while ago, thinking it looked a lot better than it tuned out to be.
I'm with Andrew. There are some really good ideas stuck in a big sea of $#@#!!
Wadzilla was just a complete waste of film.
I was a Teeange Werebear actually had a funny idea, and had they played this idea totally straight (no pun intended) it could have been fun.
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein isn't great but it does entertain. The monster itself was nicely designed and the cast wasn't as much of an embarrassment as the rest of the film. Besides, who can turn down the idea of Hitler making Frankenstein's monster? I would have been a bit nice to actually see more of Anne Frank though. It seems she was just included to give the movie its pun of a title.
Deathication is so over the top it's almost impossible to criticize, and thankfully it's only shown for a few seconds.
And of course the zombie thing that ties it all together. Very basic B-movie material, not outstanding in anyway, but it's not too shabby either.
Still, overall, it's fairly horrible stuff.
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Re: Chillerama
Reply #7. Posted on April 12, 2012, 06:33:44 AM by Andrew
The Diary of Anne Frankenstein isn't great but it does entertain. The monster itself was nicely designed and the cast wasn't as much of an embarrassment as the rest of the film. Besides, who can turn down the idea of Hitler making Frankenstein's monster? I would have been a bit nice to actually see more of Anne Frank though. It seems she was just included to give the movie its pun of a title.
There are two parts in that segment that made me laugh out loud. The first is when the Nazi being thrashed by the monster switches between actor, dummy, and then completely different actor (different race). The second is after Hitler flees the laboratory and locks the monster inside. After pounding on the door to no avail, the monster walks toward the camera, around the end of the set, and then back into the room with Hitler. It's a cheap gimmick, but it turned out to work beautifully. |
Re: Chillerama
Reply #8. Posted on April 12, 2012, 08:07:42 AM by Trevor
I'm with Andrew. There are some really good ideas stuck in a big sea of $#@#!!
Sounds like my kind of film.   Great review, thanks, Andrew. | | Pages: [1] 2 | |
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