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Latest Member: ThomasImpak Forum  |  Information Exchange  |  Reader Comments  |  Star Crystal « previous next »
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Author Topic: Star Crystal  (Read 33717 times)
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema

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Posts: 8448

I know where my towel is.

« on: November 18, 1999, 03:14:48 AM »

After killing at least seven people, an alien slime creature reads the Bible and becomes a born again Christian. Yes - the plot is that stupid, and yes - it annoyed me.

« Last Edit: March 21, 2009, 01:58:29 PM by Andrew » Logged

Andrew Borntreger
Warren H.
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 1999, 01:38:34 PM »

I rented this when I was a kid any my parents grounded me for making them sit through it.
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2002, 07:24:42 PM »

Wanna see something REALLY scary? Go to the IMBD, bring up the combined cast and credits, and see what the special-effects and makeup people for this hunk of crap have gone on to do. Wow, how the wretched have risen, huh?
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM »

How can you all not enjoy the awfulness of this movie. Man I hate this movie, but now that I look back I cringe and laugh in horror at how bad. And the most anticlimatic ending i've ever seen. "Why is he such a jerk?"


Blake W.
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM »

This thing deserves a skull...  Even for a veteran B-grade movie fan like me (watching everything from Ed Wood's Plan 9 to Class of Nuke'em High), this was one of most painful things for me to sit through.
Jim Brown
« Reply #5 on: April 16, 2002, 12:49:49 AM »

As much as I luv b-movies & cheese.this one is a waste of time.Yawn.
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM »


This makes for quite a case study and it's so bad it's awesome. Can't wait for the DVD.
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM »

hey! why everyone hates this film? I know its just a piece of crap, but so weird, odd and cheesy that i just love it!
the alien-stupid-gar-ger (what's his name? or was a she?)mades me cry! oh, he/she was so cute!
Jurassic Pork
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM »

STAR CRYSTAL starts off as two stalwart astronauts, who are not quite as convincing as Don Knotts was, pick up a rock on an airless planet that nonetheless boasts blue skies and 90 mph headwinds. They then leave Califor... uh, Mars, and kindly bring this Pandora's Rock back to the ship. Within mere hours, the entire crew is dead of oxygen deprivation and returns to space station dry dock, where the corpses are seemingly greeted with matter-of-fact apathy. Obviously, paperwork in the coming centuries is worse
than ever.

Cut to an emergency meeting lacking the drama and ingenious set decoration of the one featured in OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (which at least a fat guy to riff). We're introduced to characters who are on camera for maybe eleven nanoseconds total, or just barely enough time for us to accept them into our hearts just before they're suddenly and tragically killed. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The hot chick at the meeting, the one that you fully expect to survive for at least half the movie, is then killed along with the rest of the station's crew but not before one shuttle jettisons with five people.

While the shuttle valiantly limps through the reaches of outer space, trying to get to the next supply buoy, the creature begins to gestate. Eventually it reaches the horrific size of a golden retriever (I guess it was the biggest beach ball that the propmaster could get at the local Wal-Mart). It infiltrates the ship and begins killing off the quintet by wrapping its tendrils around their victims' ankles then sucking their blood, dessicating them and turning them into Strom Thurmond.

The crew is so nasty and vile-tempered toward eachother, hence to the audience, that one would root for the creature were it not so ridiculously innocuous-looking and badly realized. It gains access to the ship's mainframe, which was engineered by Coleco, and begins to rationalize killing humans by studying our Bible (good idea, actually).

One by one the nasty black security guy, then the nasty ship's engineer (think Carla, of Cheers fame, only with a brain tumor) and the only sweet-tempered one, a xenophobe with all the backbone of an egg white. Soon, it's only the nasty computer nerd who knows about computers so is qualified to fly the shuttle through meteor storms and therefore is pragmatic in the ways of orbits and re-entry and docking procedures and stuff) and the nasty woman who
then inexplicably fall in love just before the creature's about to kill them.

But wait. It was all a mistake. The creature, who resembles an ET candle left on a hot radiator for too long, explains to the surviving pair that he brutally and horrifically killed the other three, plus the crew beforehand and, oh yes, the entire space station in between, out of self-defense, leading the ultra-perspicacious viewer to then wonder what the original crew and the members of the space station did to bring out its homicidal but misunderstood

Anyway, the movie then degenerates (yes, the
degeneration never ends, ladies and germs) into a
series of cutaways that show the creature and our
stalwart pilot playing games of chess, with the
creature winning, of course, and getting in the way of
his work much in the humorous and disarming manner of
a curious but slimy calico.

They get to the buoy, the creature then changes his
mind and decides he doesn't need the ship, after all,
and will just wait for the next ship to come along so
he can viciously dessicate the crew of the next ship
that he arbitrarily decides will try to kill him. They
wish him Godspeed, the end.

A word on the acting:

Immediately after being cut adrift into what seems
sure death, the black actor playing the security man
advances his race with one giant leap by openly
speculating on who's hot. He justifies this by saying,
"I can't help it, man. It's in my blood!" to which I'd
responded, "I'll tell you what's *not* in your blood-

This astute observation can serve as a synecdoche of
the entire movie. The actors could've and should've
taken tips from a junior high school drama club. The
movie has the ambience of all those porno movies from
the 80's.
James Perry
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2006, 04:09:49 PM »

A few years before discovering MST3K I brought this VHS tape home after plucking down $3 a the video store.  What did I know?  The pictures looked cool on the back.  But we agreed that it was one of the funniest flicks we'd ever seen.  We gave it such a riffing that I think Joel was observing us through the window and thought it would be a great idea to do a TV show like this...

We haven't seen it since. I think the DVD would be a lot of fun.  We'll get it and laugh ourselves silly again.  Don't eat while you watch unless somebody in the room knows how to dislodge half-chewed chicken from your windpipe!  I remember hurting myself with a laugh that would not stop!!  Red face, tears, hurting throat...headache!
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM »

Well...when the "Chip"s are down, you audition for whatever you can.  The creature actually stole the show as he should have the Oscar 'they' were looking for. A lot of film was burned to create this sci fi thriller and CHICKEN on FIRE
(next door to the studio) came in handy and saved a lot of
money.  Thanks to the crew (Lance, Eric, Mike and the rest)
for many hours at night.... we tried!
your lovers lover (that aint you)
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2004, 07:33:22 PM »

One word: no.
« Reply #12 on: November 25, 2006, 04:10:12 PM »

What I want to know is ...
Why in the world did she think the black guy survived when the red dot clearly disappeared off the screen?  What a dumbass!

I also loved Gar's logic for killing people.  "She threw acid on me."  Well Gar, she wouldn't have thrown the acid if you hadn't scared her half to death and then come at her.

I also loved how Gar seemed to lose the "speedyness" of his youth.  Watch the white dot on the monitor.  That slug flies!

I really only have one thing to say about this movie.  

"FOOD!" - The captian

This movie was more funny than horrible.  If you thought it was bad keep searching.  There is much worse.  Watch Fire Maidens of Outer Space or Manos the Hands of Fate.
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2007, 11:42:43 PM »

I swear the main shuttlecraft bridge set used in this movie is the same bridge used in the movie Defcon 4.
James Perry
« Reply #14 on: August 01, 2008, 12:13:36 PM »

Snagged the DVD of this last year and watched it.  Still kind of fun but nothing of what I remember.  I was alone watching it and I don't think that helped.  Needs a good FUNNY crowd and maybe some beers...and more beers.  Very goofy stuff with absolutely no redeeming value other than being fun to laugh at. 
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