Titanic: The Animated Musical (2001)

Titanic: The Legend Goes On
Rated U (U.K. Rating Board in case you are wondering)
Skull
Copyright Prism Leisure Corporation 2001
By: InformationGeek

THE CHARACTERS

Angelica: She is the Cinderella of the time period, literally! She’s got the worst luck of any girl and she falls in love with guy in just the span of 2 encounters with him. They both marry at the end movie.

William: I don’t know about this guy, but is it healthy to just fall in love with someone so quickly and out of the blue? He marries Angelica at the end of the film.

Gertrude: I hate her. Why? Simple, she plagiarized the evil stepmother’s performance in Cinderella. Heck, I think she even took it to the next level.

Hortense & Bernice: Ugh. Just ugh. These he women are Angelica’s evil stepsisters who are voiced just terribly. Don’t bother listening to what they have to say, it is all just gibberish.

Victoria: She is the mother of Angelica and the nanny for William (Why does he need a nanny?). She and Angelica reunite with each other on the lifeboats after the ship starts sinking.

Detective Sam Bradbury: He is a detective and is chasing after Kirk & Dirk in order to arrest them. He really needs to work on his disguises.

Kirk & Dirk: They’re two thieves that Sam is chasing after, who are on the Titanic in order to steal some valuable necklace or something. Apparently, they can laugh and joke around while tons of people are drowning and freezing to death.

Maxie & His Parents: Get lost you stupid An American Tail copycats! Also, talk instead of grunting and whatever the hell animal noise you’re all making.

Fritz: MY EARS! THEY’RE BLEEDING! SHUT THAT DOG UP!

LESSONS LEARNED
+ When a dog starts rapping, it is party time.
+ The Titanic crew tried to get rid of the water in the ship with buckets.
+ Rapping, boom boxes, and jerseys were around in the 1910s.
+ Metal is incredibly weak.
+ Pets are allowed on lifeboats.
+ Coal can instantly turn into black soot.
+ You can never reuse footage enough.
+ Films must be directed by actual film makers.
+ Whiskey puts out flames.
+ No one finds it weird when animals wear clothing.

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
1 min – Wow, the movie is over before it even began! I’m out of here.
3 min – Hey, 3 scene changes in less than a minute! That’s got to be a record.
4 min – Whoa whoa! Slow down here!
6 min – So, lip-syncing has gone out the window at this point.
8 min 25 sec – Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah. Seriously, that is what the dialogue amounts to in this scene.
8 min 35 sec – It’s a troll!!!
9 min – This movie is making less sense with every passing second.
10 min 15 sec – I blinked and now I am even more confused.
10 min 22 sec – Oh God, he’s breaking into a rap number! Where’s the mute button on this remote?!
10 min 36 sec to 11 min 57 sec – RANDOM FREAK OUT MOMENT THAT MAKES NO SENSE!
11 min – Oh thank God that is over. I need aspirin.
12 min – Hey, he was just at the door and now he 10 feet away from it.
16 min – Ah… does love work this way?
18 min – I’m sorry, but did the film just skip a scene?
20 min – Once again, this all just Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
22 min – Music budget kicked back in and surprisingly with someone that can actually sing.
24 min – Please don’t talk about your figure… you’re creeping me out.
26 min – So according to that mouse, the movie is wasting my time with this scene.
30 min – Oh yeah, because that isn’t conspicuous at all.
31 min – Well alright, I’ll give them a point for something that was actually funny.
34 min – The ship is going in reverse and the smoke is actually going back into the smokestacks.
37 min – That’s it! The movie has officially gone crazy!
40 min – Whoa! The iceberg just popped out of nowhere
42 min – Lots of reuse of stock footage.
46 min – Ah yes, nothing like inserting a little humor into a human misery.
47 min – RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A WINDOW!
50 min – Seriously, the odds of this happening are basically a zillion to one if I calculate this right.
51 min – Wait a minute, weren’t those animals in cargo hole of the ship? How are they still alive!?
52 min – HOLD JUST A SECOND!! You call this crap editing!? Go back and try again!
54 min – The movie isn’t over yet?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

NOTABLE QUOTES
Sam: Special Detective Sam Bradbury, Sam to my friends, threat to my enemies!

Maxie: If it hadn't been for you I would now be in someone else's digestion.
Fritz: You know there's something you should know, so I'm gonna tell you so, don't sweat it, forget it, enjoy the show! (Dog starts rapping)

THE PLOT

Ah yes, Titanic: The Legend Goes On or better known as The Animated Musical. If that doesn’t scare you already, then you are obviously either brave or a masochist (You can judge which of two I am). Yes, this movie is the story of the Titanic’s only voyage that includes talking mice, tons of rip-offs of better animated movies, and of course, a rapping dog. Let’s take a deep breath and venture forth into this animated disaster.

The movie starts off and we see the Titanic sinking… that was quick! Actually, one of the characters in the lifeboats named Angelica has a flashback to the events leading up to what has happened before the boat sank. This sounds familiar… where have I heard of this before?

We find Angelica in the flashback riding a train with her evil stepmother, Gertrude, and her evil stepsisters, Hortense and Bernice. They are not referred to as evil or anything, but if they are going to rip off Cinderella, I might as well refer to them as that. Angelica is all sad and stuff about not knowing where her mom is and her evil stepmother just says to forget about ever finding her. Angelica insists that she will indeed find her mother. FORESHADOWING!

The movie then sends us directly to the boarding of the infamous ship where we find all the people getting on, including a bunch of animals. At this time, the movie’s pacing is completely all over the place and it is just jumping randomly from person to person, with no thought or logic to it. Plus, the animation is just all over the place, making this nearly impossible to follow or fully comprehend. You know what else? We are only four minutes into this film.

All during these random jump cuts, we meet a furry mouse family, Kirk & Dirk, a perverted guy looking like Gaston (Surprisingly enough, is called Gaston!) with a mustache, a tramp, two Dalmatians, the Brown Family, William & Victoria, Detective Sam Bradbury, Mexican Mice (You read that right), and a lot of other weird looking people. Well, I guess we got our crazy looking cast now and I must admit, they are all ugly as heck.

So, the ship departs and we find ourselves unfortunately seeing what Angelica is up to with her evil family members. Her large bratty stepsisters make Gertrude punish her for somehow tearing their clothes. Personally, I say they tore it themselves seeing how they aren’t exactly ‘little’. Anyways, Gertrude breaks some her fine china and makes Angelica clean up as ‘punishment’. Is she really this stupid that she would break own, probably expensive, china so that she can make Angelica’s life miserable?

Then we cut away to another location on the ship, which is the cargo hold where all the little furry and feathered creatures that boarded are resting at. The little mouse of the mouse family named Maxie talks to his mother about overhearing Angelica’s problems with how she is miserable and that she won’t be able to attend some kind of ball happening on the ship because her evil family won’t let her. I am thinking of Cinderella again, how about you?

Then a random cat and little dog attack the little mouse boy. Just as suddenly as they appear, a large dog pops out and scares off them. The mouse thanks him and the dog breaks out into a rap number while the Mexican mice & a bunch of birds back him up with vocals and instruments and a chef chases a mouse with a large turkey leg. Please take a good few moments to fully grasp that and then let us continue on this magically and painful journey.

We find ourselves with Kirk & Dirk now who are attempting to steal jewelry from some lady and are thwarted by the male version of the lady from The Lady and the Tramp, which has a Southern accent by the way. Then we jump to William and Victoria, a young man and his nanny (He’s over 20 why he needs a nanny is anyone’s guess), who are discussing some things and hoping that this cruise will allow them to relax. Victoria also mentions that she has a daughter and that she is wondering how she is doing. Wink wink.

Let’s see here, following this insane movie’s pacing, we find both Kirk & Dirk trying again to rob someone but hilariously failing (Extreme sarcasm) and Angelica and William meeting each other in the hallway. Somehow touching her hand as he helps picks up some stuff she dropped on the ground, he is instantly attracted to her. Why is anyone’s guess at this point. Also, the animals are below deck setting up for a party. Why is also perfectly good question for this film.

After some non-funny scenes with a mouse and a chef, we see William stalking… err… searching for Angelica. He runs into her on the deck and once again they share some kind of moment as they dance together. How can you share moment with someone you only met twice?! Anyways, he asks to meet her again at the ball that night, but she has nothing to wear. Guess what? The old lady and she is bunking with in third class has a gown for her to wear. The old lady can’t fit into that thing, so why does she have it anyways? Again, I am asking questions in a movie that features a rapping dog.

So, William awaits Angelica in the ballroom and actually has a flashback of his moments with Angelica. Yes, all of two of them. Also, think about this. This movie is basically a flashback already, so how can we be flashing back while in another flashback? Ah forget it, Angelica shows up in the gown and two of them have a nice dance together. They also share a nice kiss together, but really, the main question on the everybody’s minds is “where is that iceberg?!”

Back to the furry animals (Because you never get enough of those horrible little fur balls), we are all celebrating and throwing party for no good reason. During the party, the Mexican mice even get their own musical number. Right now, I really demand for that iceberg to show up, only if it is to stop all of these animal music numbers.

Luckily for us, that night the iceberg shows up out nowhere and hits the ship, causing the rupture in the hull and letting water spill in. With the ship sinking, William meets up with Angelica and they head up onto the deck together. Unfortunately, William can’t board the lifeboat with Angelica, because of the whole women and children first, despite that fact that a lot of men got into the lifeboats before a bunch of the women did.

Anyways, with a bunch of random jump cuts and reuse of previous footage, we find ourselves back at the beginning of the movie with Angelica in the lifeboat with others. We also find William still onboard the ship as it sinks into the abyss. But that does not spell the end for William, nope! The life boat that Angelica is on actually picks up William, who is floating in the water. They also manage to pick up Sam Bradbury as well and we find that are animal friends are still alive as well on a makeshift raft, but do you honestly care?

So he is saved and we also find out that Victoria (William’s nanny in case you forgot or even care) is in fact Angelica’s mother. So everyone is happy despite over a thousand people drowning and freezing to death as the sun rises up. But that’s not all folks! Nope, we get some last minute dialogue from that boy mouse who tells us that Kirk & Dirk hooked up with the evil step sisters, he and his family are living at the ship’s cook’s restaurant, the dogs are part of the NYC police force with Sam, and Angelica and William married each and live happily ever after. Whoopie frickin’ doo.

After all of this, what is there to say about this film as a whole? Well, it is basically like tossing the James Cameron movie, a bunch of Disney film, the animators from the Legend of Zelda games on CD-I, tons of insensitivity, racial stereotyping, and a couple of music numbers into a blender, which then pukes out this pile of crap. Wow, I couldn’t have summed that up any better!

Seriously here, this movie is awful and despicable in every meaning of the word. There is mind numbing pacing, horrible rip offs, ear bleeding voice acting, hideous animation, and a rapping dog. The only thing that can be salvage from the movie is the song the woman singer sings throughout the film. It’s surprising good and sung well, but it is a shame that it was wasted here on this film. Now, if you will, let us forget about this film and watch something more interesting. Anyone up for seeing Wall-E?