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June 22, 2018, 02:16:44 PM
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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Entertainment  |  Written Anything Lately? « previous next »
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Author Topic: Written Anything Lately?  (Read 2416 times)
Dark Alex
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« Reply #30 on: January 31, 2018, 02:36:41 PM »

Part 3.

Buddha staggered for a few steps dazed. Samadhi moved in for a swinging neck breaker, but Buddha is surprisingly light on his feet for such a big guy, ducks under Samadhi’s grasping hands, slips behind him then rams him hard into the corner post and Samadhi is down! Is Buddha going to go for the pin? No, he is climbing up. Oh my G… no wait, not that again. Jesus Christ, he is going for the top rope.”

Another voice says “Yes, I have eyes and can see that too.” What a character, he has his hands over his eyes and is peeking through them. That JC really cracks me up. Great guy. I ask him to hold my car keys for me and then laugh as they fall on the floor. He falls for that one every time.

Time for a ladies match. Women Scorned (Hel – finisher Highway To Hel & Chyna special move, low blow to the groin. Not as effective against other women as men though) against The Hail Mary’s (Virgin Mary – finisher Immaculate Leg Drop and Mary Magdalene special finisher Witness The Crucifixion). Women Scorned come down to Highway To Hell, AC/DC are popular tonight and the choir is doing it justice. The Hail Mary’s come down in rhinestone studded nuns costumes to Proud Mary.

Magdalene goes in first and Hecate comes out to meet her. It’s an immediate hair pulling contest in the middle of the ring, the pair of them trying to swing each other around. The guys might have more muscle, but with the gal’s it gets downright vicious.

While they are fighting I see Dusty Rhodes wandering around. He hasn’t taken part in the business since getting here, but the word is on the grapevine he is waiting for McMahon getting here so he can have some serious payback for the polka dot costume. Man, the Bionic Elbow. Worst big move ever, but the Big D just has so much charisma he could carry it off. The plumbers son who was just so sweet!

Meanwhile the fight has went outside the ring and all four women are tearing into each other. The Hail Mary’s are being tossed around like a salad by Chyna and Hel. After all they do hath the fury of a woman scorned, but Mary just isn’t staying down! She grabs a Mary by the hair and I can’t tell which one is which, smashes her face into the apron and then jumps back into the ring. Lucifer has no idea who the legal ma… woman in the ring is. I don’t think anyone does. It is chaos here, it is anarchy! He starts a ten count, but Mary gets back in by seven. She then tags in the other Mary. Wow, she is up to it tonight, doing handsprings over the to the other side of the ring, she wraps her legs around Chyna’s neck and OH MY GOD, IT’S A HURRICANRANA! THE VIRGIN MARY JUST HURRUCANRANAD CHYNA. SHE MUST HAVE BEEN FLIPPED SIX FEET UP IN THE AIR!

Once more Morgan Freeman’s voice answers me. It’s so damn hard to be an announcer in this place.

It must be the Virgin Mary who is in there, she runs into one rope, over the ring to the other and then on the return, puts an Immaculate Leg Drop right on Chyna’s head.

From there it is all over bar the counting.

We take a break for a pre-recorded promo spot. JC and his dad are being interviewed by Mean Gene. Mean Gene is asking what they think about all the smack talk Mohammad has been putting out there about JC, but it is God who replies “Well you know what Mean Gene, Mohammad has been telling everyone how he is going to nail my boy and how he is going to stomp all over the hearts of his Christomaniacs and bring them to Allah instead, well I gotta tell ya Mean Gene, I just ain’t impressed at all. And I have just one thing to say to Mohammad. He said to my boy to bring his best, to bring an ass whupping. Well Mean Gene I have to say just this one thing to Mohammad. He wants as ass whupping brought, the all I got to say is this.”

“ASK AND THY SHALL RECEIVE!”

Wow, he went full on there. Total reverb and everything. I felt the ground quaking beneath my feet. Some say that promo’s are a dying thing, but when you have a guy like this doing them… well that is one of the reasons I love this business so much.
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There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Dark Alex
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« Reply #31 on: February 03, 2018, 12:35:37 PM »

Part 4.

Its followed up with a flash back to how Jesus lost the hard core title. He was already to roll with the apocalypse, when Randy Savage turned up and challenged him to a match. Everywhere JC went the Macho Man was there, getting all up in his face, demanding an Apocalypse Match against him. Eventually after he set up a money lending business in one of JC’s temples. Well JC just lost it with him right there and then. First he cleared house and then the Macho Man got his match. I’ve got to say, it was a match for the ages. No rules, no holds barred. Two hours the pair of them battled back and forth, until finally Randy got him right in the throat with an elbow drop from the top rope and a great big “OOOOOOOHHHHH YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” that was heard all over the heavens.

He then called out some of his old friends, Andre the Giant, S.D. Jones and Eddie Guerrero. I had thought Dunk the Clown was going to turn up, but it turns up that it was only his career that was dead. Anyway, between the four of them the slapped a leg lock, two arms bars and a sleeper hold on JC. They called it The Crucifixion and seriously nailed him with it. JC took it as long as he could, but eventually he submitted. As hard as he was no one could take that kind of punishment and not give up. He lost the match, the apocalypse didn’t happen and he lost the title. It has sat vacant since the Macho Man then disappeared.
Not seen the Macho Man around since then, but I have a feeling that if anyone tries to pull off the end of the world… Well he’ll be there waiting to stop them. Humanity’s ultimate defender.

Anyway, Jesus had a bit of a crisis of faith and disappeared from the scene for a few days. He missed a match the whole Holy Trinity was supposed to take part in and the clique kind of fell apart. Still three days later he came back and ever since he has been working towards another shot at the Hard Core Title. The management had been trying to move away from those kind of matches and be a bit more family friendly and he has had to put in a lot of effort to keep it going. Word is he can’t wait for Mick Foley to get up here so he can form a new tag team with someone just as crazy as he is.

How can you not love a guy like that? He got broken almost in half, and he took a few days, then got right back up and in there.

Back on to the next match. Last one before the big finally. We have Poseidon (finishing move Release The Kraken (I know, it makes no sense for a Greek deity to unleash something from Norse mythology, but who I am to argue with popular movies)) going up against King Midas (big move, the Hand of Gold). I guess we can expect a lot of classic moves from a pair of ancient Greek types.

The lower half of the arena is flooded to allow Poseidon his full range of moves, while Midas makes his way to the ring. I must say for a mortal, he seems remarkably confident about his chances against a god, who is not only more powerful but has a ton of experience in the ring. I know who my money is on.
Well there is enough water in the area now and Poseidon is coming in swimming all the way. Midas pretty much got a dead silence, but the crowd is roaring for the Lord of the Oceans. Wait, what’s this? Midas is putting on a blindfold. Seriously, Midas is going to take on a god blindfold! OH MY GOD!

Morgan Freeman says “Look, I am trying to enjoy a relaxing massage. Will you damn well stop calling on me!”

It is so hard being a ring side announcer in this business, but I love it despite the challenges.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2018, 01:44:29 PM by Dark Alex » Logged

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Dark Alex
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 276
Posts: 1947



« Reply #32 on: February 03, 2018, 01:43:17 PM »

Part 5.

What the… All the lights just went out? That isn’t in the script. Oh wait, now they are coming back on and… MEDUSA (finishing move The Petrifier) IS IN THE RING! I GUESS SHE IS STILL p**sED AT POSEIDON! SHE IS TURNING HER GLARE ON POSEIDON AND THE GOD IS TURNING TO STONE! AND THE MATCH IS OVER BEFORE IT HAS EVEN BEGUN! I GUESS THESE TWO ARE GOING TO BE THE NEXT DOMINANT TAG TEAM! THEY ARE JUST GOING TO BE UNSTOPPABLE. ONLY HALF THE CROWD IS CHEERING AND THE OTHER HALF ARE NOW SO MANY STONE STATUES! THEY ARE IN THE RING, MIDAS IS TAKING OFF HIS BLINDFOLD WITH ONE HAND AND HIGH FIVING ME… Dusa with the other.

Oh.

They should have thought that one out a bit more.

Well it had the promise of being the perfect tag team up until that moment.

We had better wait for some gardeners to get here. I think if you want a garden gnome then there is going to be plenty material around now. Oh, and if anyone wants a golden statue, contact the station manager. Got to pay the bills around here somehow.

I’ve been in this game for millennia, but somehow every once in a while it still throws up something that surprises even me.

I think this last match is going to be the biggest one since all the top names were in a lumberjack match for who shape planets were to be. So many wanted flat I felt for sure that was going to be the winner. Believe it or not one of them was even going to be carried on the backs of four elephants which was then carried on a turtle.

These guys really don’t help themselves when we are trying to present pro-wrestling as a clean, drug free sport.

Came as a huge surprise to everyone when the Flying Spaghetti Monster came out of nowhere and won that one. Ever since then planets have had to be roughly round as a reminder of his noodly meatballs.

Man, when they were handing out gimmicks that guy really got shafted.

But crazy things like that get up are one of the reasons why you just got to love this business. I was speaking to the managers the other week. Ratings had been down, attendances all over the world were falling. I was starting to get a bit worried we might get cancelled.

And believe me in this business, you get cancelled you are going to need more than the Macho Man to save things. Maybe even have to Hogan in.

He took a draw on his big cigar and pointed downstairs. “Look my boy, they still love us. Look anywhere you want in the world and everyone is copying what we do up here. Don’t you worry.”

I guess he is right. Plus McMahon and Hogan both look ready to join us real soon and both of them know how to bring in the crowds, even if they do have massive ego issues.

I was wondering why the water hadn’t been drained when Jesus came out to the ring, chair in one hand and his pet lump of wood being carried over his other shoulder. He just walks right on top of that water like it was solid concrete and the crowd is going wild. He leaps into the ring like it was nothing, smiles at the crowd and waits. Then we have something special. The camera’s switch to a couple in the crowd. We can see them all on the Jumbotron screen. He gets down on one knee and proposes to his girl. Of course she says yes and the place just erupts. Jesus turns that million mega-watt smile on the crowd then reaches down, touches the water and turns it all to wine for the crowd to help them all celebrate. Whatta guy!
« Last Edit: February 03, 2018, 01:46:02 PM by Dark Alex » Logged

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Dark Alex
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 276
Posts: 1947



« Reply #33 on: February 03, 2018, 02:10:39 PM »

Part 6.

I tell you, the problems we had promoting this fight was unbelievable. Every time we put posters up advertising it, Mohammad’s guys for some reason would go crazy about it and rip them back down. The things that guy can do in the ring though… it’s just else. I remember we were doing a gig in the Dome of the Rock, Mohammad went up to the top rope and pulled a Moonsault on God back when he was doing the Yahweh gimmick. He went so high the crowd called it ‘The ascent to heaven’. That is the kind of once in a career move that legends were made from! The camera’s hadn’t expected the move and went the wrong way, which helped the story when they lost tracking on him. People thought he had just jumped so high.

People forget the part where God rolled out of the way just as he landed, slapped an ankle lock on and secured a submission, it was the sheer guts of the move people remembered, not who won or even who was fighting.

Mohammad’s turn to come out was next. He didn’t go with his usual wailing music, instead for this event preferring “Eye of the Tiger” and the celestial chorus did it magnificently. The crowd were booing their heads off. Knowing how much Mohammad had been working the crowd for months, building their hate up to fever pitch for this match he must have been really appreciating that his hard work had paid off so well.

He climbed through the ropes to enter the ring, took a moment to bow to the crowd with a grin, then the bell rang and the fight began in earnest.

Man, I love this business!
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There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Dark Alex
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 276
Posts: 1947



« Reply #34 on: February 15, 2018, 01:56:37 AM »

A very short story from a friend.

Quote
Stomach: I’m hungry
Brain: What do you want?
Stomach: Candy?
Brain: 🤔Hmmmm
Stomach: Oh please, like you’re gonna say no... 🙄
Brain: Half off Valentines candy tomorrow!
Stomach: Don’t forget the wine! 🍷
Brain: Yay!! 🎉
Stomach: Chocolate creams! Chocolate creams! Chocolate creams!

And they all lived happily ever after!
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There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Trevor
Also known as Uncle Zombie
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South African Film Activist and Chief Troublemaker


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« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2018, 08:01:24 AM »

Still trying to finish my script for this:



Way back when, I offered everyone here roles in the movie, along with Sir Anthony Hopkins, Colin Farrell, Nick Frost and Neil McDonough.  Wink
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Why am I naked and who are all these guys?
javakoala
Hermit of Horror
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Does ANYBODY remember this guy?


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« Reply #36 on: February 21, 2018, 06:04:09 PM »

Still trying to finish my script for this:



Way back when, I offered everyone here roles in the movie, along with Sir Anthony Hopkins, Colin Farrell, Nick Frost and Neil McDonough.  Wink

I simply refuse to share the same air as Colin Farrell. And I don't ski, so I must have three stunt doubles. Wait, that's six people, isn't it? Just fix it, dear, and don't forget my green M&Ms!!
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ER
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The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #37 on: February 21, 2018, 10:23:27 PM »

Not lately, but I wrote this prose-poem in college.


The Shutdown


     She felt her body growing quiet, the heartbeat—her heartbeat—growing still. Thirty-one years was enough, enough. Scarcely one shallow breath now where moments ago four had been. Her feet are cold, her hands are cold, her nose has become quite frigid, its tip a nodule of elderly ice, little different from what descends from the eaves in January. The pills, some yet in the basilica-span of her stomach, most now flowing freely through her slurry bloodstream, have done their work. A score of ivory-white tablets, none larger than a blood drop from a pricked finger, each masterful as a surgeon, all secure in their function, keenly drilled in their purpose, like little soldiers, like assassins: leaden the brain, arrest the lungs, punish the heart, slower…slower…slow the body down…They know the matter well, understand they must bring this self-inflicted Armageddon to its height and past.


     In the quiet of the apartment a groan escapes her like flatulence, quite accidental; her chest is heavier than a shelf full of Bibles and she is no longer responsible for her loss of poise. Let us catalogue the humiliations she must bear: The crystalline drool as she so seamlessly slips away on the bed; her naked obese body, so recently scrubbed meticulously clean in preparation, is now disgracefully pungent with chemically-generated perspiration; the yogurty vomit that spilled up on its own is running past her polished teeth, filling her gurgling lungs and pooling beneath her fuzzy armpits onto the dirty sheets of the too-shallow bed. All this would have shamed her had she known of it. But this mess is not her fault. She creates filth not of her own volition. Pills, she thought, would be clean, a pristine slide into re-creation, away from the debris of this failed incarnation. Maybe next time she’d be a princess. Perhaps next time she’d be rich, famous, wanted. Possibly this extinguishment of the physical self was all part of a karmic script. An hour ago this notion had comforted her, for ideas of karma populated the sorts of books she read. Eastern, New Age, Occult. In her hometown she’d had to send away for the books and it made her feel special to know that no one else thereabouts read the same titles, only her.

 
     On the oily bed her body suddenly begins moving, a rude thrashing, almost orgasmic in intensity. How it can still manage such a feat is a miracle, nothing less. So violent does this minuet become that the sheet is torn free from the mattress and wrinkles under her thighs like a crushed flower. One would have expected the time for convulsions to be past, but these animate her like a marionette with its strings gruesomely twisted, as she jerks and writhes and tries to find grace, tries to recapture balance, flailing without coordination, without destination, almost an automaton. Her darkened lips draw oval like a fish’s hunting for air, her lungs labor to supply their load but they are drowning, she is drowning, the tangy vomit, its trespass accidental, crudely lords its dominance over her. The body fights this war the brain has thrown onto it: the body does not want to die, it has a function.


     Gallantly the long-abused physique contends with this circumstance, tries to achieve this victory for the consciousless connection of tissues that lies sprawled on the bed, its systems shutting off in sequence as its feet somehow find the ability to twitch: left, right, left, right, weaker than an instant before, the toes now hardly vibrating. Intelligence may have broken its lease but in this gloaming the brute reactant zone of the flesh valiantly wrestles to catch a fingerhold in the clay at the cliff’s face, to arrest the descent down into the looming emptiness that surges like a tide. If only there was a witness, a chronicler to record this bodily valor, this tenacious stance before death, how this mindless physiology, mere tool of biology, refuses to give up as the dead woman has, how the flesh and organs, skin and cells of the body twitch independently on, denying death for a moment more, holding on though all is lost, delaying the inevitable, shivering its musculature when nothing else remains to it, refusing to die.
                                                                                                    ---Circa 1998


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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
ER
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Posts: 4500


The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #38 on: February 23, 2018, 03:19:30 PM »

A letter to a psychologist. Fun stuff!
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
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