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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  The New BMDO Home of Anecdotes, Life Stories, Erotic Tales, or Alien Encounters. « previous next »
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Author Topic: The New BMDO Home of Anecdotes, Life Stories, Erotic Tales, or Alien Encounters.  (Read 4350 times)
RCMerchant
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« Reply #15 on: August 24, 2017, 07:22:45 AM »

In fact-I'll go first!
When I was 18 I used to chew tobacco. Skoal. A pinch between yer gum and yer cheek.
I was with my girlfreind at the time Kerrie. I was-...going down on her-if ya know what I mean-and when I was done I was kissing her.
" You chewing tobacco?"
"Yeah?"
She slapped me in the face.
Maybe it's because I had to get up for air and spit on the floor while I was doing "it".
uhmagawd
Hey-you wanted "erotic"-thats as good as it gets.  BounceGiggle
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RCMerchant
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« Reply #16 on: August 24, 2017, 08:05:32 AM »

Dam-you should be a writer.
I would read a menu if you wrote it.
Even something as simple as that- above- you make interesting.
Your my favorite writer on this board-even when I "quit" I still came here to read your stuff.
Fantastic.  Thumbup
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"Supernatural?...perhaps. Baloney?...Perhaps not!\" Bela Lugosi-the BLACK CAT (1934)

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Dark Alex
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« Reply #17 on: August 24, 2017, 12:22:35 PM »

Ok, just for you RC. I suggest no one else reads this. Especially if you are easily offended.

Still with me? Well I warned you. My conscious is clear. Well, if would be if I had one.

When I was going through my phase two training in a place called Cosford I got back in touch with an old friend, CJ. He was now living and working in Birmingham, where he'd been going to Uni when we'd lost touch a few years previously. I used to go into Birmingham at the weekends and go to the heavy metal pubs with some of my friends and meet up with CJ and his friends. There are quite a few of those bars in the city centre. Anyway, one night a friend of his from his Uni days who I will call Tanya, well because that was her name turned up. I got very drunk and apparently me and Tanya had a very good, long conversation of which I remember absolutely nothing. Anyway, we'd exchanged phone numbers and ended up writing letters to each other, and meeting up a few more times with friends. She was getting ready to move out of Birmingham and go down to London to move in with her life partner.

Anyway, towards the end of my training the group started to fall appart with people moving away to other parts of the country. CJ was having a leaving do in Coster Mongers and had left earlish. Me and Tanya had been chatting and at some point I'd offered her a back massage, so she ended up coming back to the base with me (I have no idea why I ended up taking her to the base instead of going back to her place as we weren't supposed to bring civilians onto camp after midnight, but there you go). After persuading the RAF police to let her in, we went back to my room. Luckily the other 3 guys I shared a room with had went to Liverpool for the weekend. I'll take a break here and describe Tanya a little.

She was about my height (so shorter than normal), had reddish hair and huge boobs. When it comes to boobs to be honest I prefer smaller ones, but Tanya's were massive to the point where she had to get her bra's custom made (I think she was a double G or double H, something like that) and came from Northern Ireland. In fact when it came to sides, she was on the opposite one from the one I was on as a government employee), so there I am bringing a lesbian, terrorist sympothiser onto a military base past curfew.

I did say on another post that the blood sucking girlfriend I used to have wasn't the strangest relationship I'd ever had.

Although in point of fact, neither was Tanya.

Anyway, we went back to my room (which was upstairs in the barracks. The significance of that will become apparent later) and I spent somewhere over two hours giving her a back rub, then working on her legs. At some point she turned over and started rubbing her calf along the back of my neck. I told her that was seriously turning me on and that if she didn't stop it I was going to jump on her. She didn't stop, so I tore her clothes off and we got busy.

On reflection this isn't something that should have surprised me as much as it did bearing in mind I've always been told I give really good massages and I always used to use them to seduce women.

Anyway, when I have sex unlike most men, I don't fall asleep right after. The more sex I get, the more I want. When I was younger I always used to search in vain for a woman who could last more than six hours at a time. The night included things like when Tanya needed to go to the toilet, me picking her up, putting her on my shoulders and us running naked through the barracks to the toilet. Luckily no one else was awake at that time. Anyway after about four hours of pretty much constant sex Tanya needed a rest, so we fell asleep. When she woke up two or three hours later we started up again.

Eventually I decided I needed to go to the mess for breakfast, so I got dressed, staggered out of the block on slightly wobbly legs and bumped into my buddy Jamie. I proceeded to start to tell him all about my adventures from the night before and he interupted me to remind me that in fact he was in the room beneath mine, and indeed his bed space was directly below mine, and from the bed creaking, noises from the floor boards and screams he was quite aware of just how good my night had been. She had wanted to try everything imaginable and about the only things I said no to was a rim job or watersports.

Anyway, I had breakfast, got back to my room and we had more sex which went on to around 4pm (with occasional breaks for food and water) when Tanya had to get the train home. I walked her to the station and she told me that she'd decided before moving in with her girlfriend she'd decided she wanted to try sex with a man once just to see what it was like, and after our first conversation she'd decided I was the one. To this day I cannot remember what the hell we talked about that night.

But I still keep on trying.

This wasn't the only night in Birmingham I can't remember that I really wish I couldn't. Like the time I had two lapdancers giving me a floor show, but that's another story. Jamie remembers what happened though and apparantly that too was a very good night.

Ah, the folly of youth.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2017, 12:51:10 PM by Dark Alex » Logged

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
ER
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The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #18 on: August 24, 2017, 06:15:39 PM »

Dam-you should be a writer.
I would read a menu if you wrote it.
Even something as simple as that- above- you make interesting.
Your my favorite writer on this board-even when I "quit" I still came here to read your stuff.
Fantastic.  Thumbup

 Smile
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
ER
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The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #19 on: August 24, 2017, 06:30:27 PM »

Ok, just for you RC. I suggest no one else reads this. Especially if you are easily offended.

Still with me? Well I warned you. My conscious is clear. Well, if would be if I had one.

When I was going through my phase two training in a place called Cosford I got back in touch with an old friend, CJ. He was now living and working in Birmingham, where he'd been going to Uni when we'd lost touch a few years previously. I used to go into Birmingham at the weekends and go to the heavy metal pubs with some of my friends and meet up with CJ and his friends. There are quite a few of those bars in the city centre. Anyway, one night a friend of his from his Uni days who I will call Tanya, well because that was her name turned up. I got very drunk and apparently me and Tanya had a very good, long conversation of which I remember absolutely nothing. Anyway, we'd exchanged phone numbers and ended up writing letters to each other, and meeting up a few more times with friends. She was getting ready to move out of Birmingham and go down to London to move in with her life partner.

Anyway, towards the end of my training the group started to fall appart with people moving away to other parts of the country. CJ was having a leaving do in Coster Mongers and had left earlish. Me and Tanya had been chatting and at some point I'd offered her a back massage, so she ended up coming back to the base with me (I have no idea why I ended up taking her to the base instead of going back to her place as we weren't supposed to bring civilians onto camp after midnight, but there you go). After persuading the RAF police to let her in, we went back to my room. Luckily the other 3 guys I shared a room with had went to Liverpool for the weekend. I'll take a break here and describe Tanya a little.

She was about my height (so shorter than normal), had reddish hair and huge boobs. When it comes to boobs to be honest I prefer smaller ones, but Tanya's were massive to the point where she had to get her bra's custom made (I think she was a double G or double H, something like that) and came from Northern Ireland. In fact when it came to sides, she was on the opposite one from the one I was on as a government employee), so there I am bringing a lesbian, terrorist sympothiser onto a military base past curfew.

I did say on another post that the blood sucking girlfriend I used to have wasn't the strangest relationship I'd ever had.

Although in point of fact, neither was Tanya.

Anyway, we went back to my room (which was upstairs in the barracks. The significance of that will become apparent later) and I spent somewhere over two hours giving her a back rub, then working on her legs. At some point she turned over and started rubbing her calf along the back of my neck. I told her that was seriously turning me on and that if she didn't stop it I was going to jump on her. She didn't stop, so I tore her clothes off and we got busy.

On reflection this isn't something that should have surprised me as much as it did bearing in mind I've always been told I give really good massages and I always used to use them to seduce women.

Anyway, when I have sex unlike most men, I don't fall asleep right after. The more sex I get, the more I want. When I was younger I always used to search in vain for a woman who could last more than six hours at a time. The night included things like when Tanya needed to go to the toilet, me picking her up, putting her on my shoulders and us running naked through the barracks to the toilet. Luckily no one else was awake at that time. Anyway after about four hours of pretty much constant sex Tanya needed a rest, so we fell asleep. When she woke up two or three hours later we started up again.

Eventually I decided I needed to go to the mess for breakfast, so I got dressed, staggered out of the block on slightly wobbly legs and bumped into my buddy Jamie. I proceeded to start to tell him all about my adventures from the night before and he interupted me to remind me that in fact he was in the room beneath mine, and indeed his bed space was directly below mine, and from the bed creaking, noises from the floor boards and screams he was quite aware of just how good my night had been. She had wanted to try everything imaginable and about the only things I said no to was a rim job or watersports.

Anyway, I had breakfast, got back to my room and we had more sex which went on to around 4pm (with occasional breaks for food and water) when Tanya had to get the train home. I walked her to the station and she told me that she'd decided before moving in with her girlfriend she'd decided she wanted to try sex with a man once just to see what it was like, and after our first conversation she'd decided I was the one. To this day I cannot remember what the hell we talked about that night.

But I still keep on trying.

This wasn't the only night in Birmingham I can't remember that I really wish I couldn't. Like the time I had two lapdancers giving me a floor show, but that's another story. Jamie remembers what happened though and apparantly that too was a very good night.

Ah, the folly of youth.

Hmm, let's do the math here...

Plus side: You nailed a lesbian, which to most men puts you above anyone who has ever had a virgin, however hot, and only one rung below the demigods who bang twins, though five below those immortal beings who bed blonde triplets, so +20 there.

However, she was a terrorist sympathizer from (gasp 'n shudder) the land of the Orangemen (do your mates in the RAF know?) so....well, -15 points there, so let's compute this....carry the two, divide by an all-nighter, factor in carrying on shoulders, minus more than a D-cup, subtract the cost of ripped clothing, plus three points for being able to understand someone from Northern Ireland (seriously, compared to Galwegians they talk like they're eating wet candy floss) ....and...it comes to, ummm, a cumulative swivvying score of thirty-six.

Okay, you are officially above Barney Stinson, but well below the Fonz. In short, well done, my friend, well done.
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
Rev. Powell
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« Reply #20 on: August 24, 2017, 08:34:23 PM »

I am NOT giving you pervs my erotic tales for free. You'll have to sign up for my paid newsletter, "The Erotic Adventures of Reverend Powell." I assure you, they are the eroticest...
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Paquita
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« Reply #21 on: August 24, 2017, 08:46:46 PM »

Tanya's were massive to the point where she had to get her bra's custom made (I think she was a double G or double H, something like that)

This is hilarious!  My mom was a size E and her boobs were huge.  So now I have a mental picture of a woman with comically large boobs riding around on your shoulders naked and wobbling all over the place.  Thank you for that.

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ER
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The world becomes a dream....


« Reply #22 on: August 24, 2017, 09:49:14 PM »

Since the market for Bigfoot porn dried up, I been thinking of wetting my toe in alien abduction erotica. My working title is Fifty Shades of Greys.
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"If I should meet thee after long years,

How shall I greet thee? With silence, and tears."

--Lord Byron
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #23 on: August 24, 2017, 10:26:00 PM »

This thread proves what I have long believed: I have the world's most boring sex life. Bluesad
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« Reply #24 on: August 25, 2017, 01:32:13 AM »

Tanya's were massive to the point where she had to get her bra's custom made (I think she was a double G or double H, something like that)

This is hilarious!  My mom was a size E and her boobs were huge.  So now I have a mental picture of a woman with comically large boobs riding around on your shoulders naked and wobbling all over the place.  Thank you for that.



Best pair of ear warmers I've ever had. I don't have time right now, but at some point I'll tell the story of how me and a bunch of school friends were almost lynched just after my 18th birthday by a mob of lesbians.
« Last Edit: August 25, 2017, 06:25:42 AM by Dark Alex » Logged

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
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A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #25 on: August 25, 2017, 04:46:05 PM »

Good grief you are brilliant!  Thumbup Thumbup
What a beautiful exposition of that crazy season of your life.
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"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
Dark Alex
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
****

Karma: 271
Posts: 1926



« Reply #26 on: August 26, 2017, 12:20:41 PM »

So during our last year at school some friends asked me if I wanted to go see a band with them. It wasn't someone I had any interest in seeing (Carter The Unstoppable Sex Machine they were called and the only song of theirs I can remember was called Sheriff Fatman), but it was a week or two after my 18th birthday and we were going to spend the whole day up there drinking. So the day arrived and we headed up to Glasgow and started off in a pub called the Griffon (which is still there today and has very funny menu's) where I had my first legal pint of beer. We went from there to some other pubs, eventually ending up at a Student Uni wine tasting session before heading off to the concert. We'd had a good days drinking by this point and were all quite merry.

By the time we got to the gig the support act had already started, or at least that is what we thought when we got into the concert. There was an all female band playing, and a surprising amount of women in the concert and the band were playing some surprisingly rocky stuff which I was getting into and could headbang along with, my long hair flying everywhere. Then the band started taking their clothes, stripping down to nothing and many of the girls in the crowd followed suit.

Eighteen year old me was ecstatic.

Bobby, one of my school friends asked me to speak to a girl who had took her top off and was enthusiastically jumping up and down and introduce him to her. I turned sideways, she looked at me and immediately jumped on me and shoved her tongue down my throat before I could get a "Hi, my name is..." out. Her hand went straight to my zip, yanked it down and her hand shot inside.

Eighteen year old me was beyond ecstatic.

This alas is where it all went badly wrong.

On grasping what was inside my underwear she lept back, pulling her hand out which she then looked at as if it was diseased and needed to be cut off right away and with a look of horror on her face screamed "Your a man!".

Eighteen year old mes ego suddenly vanished in a cloud of "Huh?" To this day I am pretty sure that holds the record for the shortest time to go from something existing to not existing. The exact time properly involves words like quantum.

Right at that point the song the band had been playing ended and I am pretty sure all 1500 people in the venue turned round to stare at us. Suddenly we realised not only were there a lot of women at this concert, we were indeed the only guys in the place (including the bouncers). Somehow all the alcohol we'd been drinking seemed to instantly evaporated and we all sobered up quickly. Without any of us saying a word we sort of unconsciously formed a circle all standing back to back. It made me think of the old westerns where the settlers would form a circle with the wagons. This seemed very appropriate since the makeup the women were wearing very strangely felt more like warpaint. Anyway, we slowly backed the hell out of there all eyes on us and then when we were free of the crowd ran for it.

Anyway, that was the first of the three times a lesbian has cradled my balls and you've already heard the story of the second time that happened. The third time wasn't as interesting as either of the other two times though so I'll keep that story to myself.

After we got out the concert we noticed we had went into the wrong place for the gig. No idea how we got in with the wrong tickets, but eventually we made our way to where we were supposed to be and saw the band playing in the Barrowlands and not where ever the hell we had drunkenly staggered into. Everything else that happened that night though somehow felt like an anticlimax and for some reason when some pretty cute girl was trying to chat me up I just couldn't get interested.
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There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
indianasmith
Archeologist, Theologian, Elder Scrolls Addict, and a
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Karma: 1865
Posts: 11486


A good bad movie is like popcorn for the soul!


« Reply #27 on: August 26, 2017, 12:41:04 PM »

You have led an interesting life, sir!
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"Carpe diem!" - Seize the day!  "Carpe per diem!" - Seize the daily living allowance! "Carpe carp!" - Seize the fish!
"Carpe Ngo Diem!" - Seize the South Vietnamese Dictator!
Dark Alex
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 271
Posts: 1926



« Reply #28 on: August 26, 2017, 02:20:57 PM »

And yet when I am on the phone I can never think of anything to talk to people about.
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There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh.
Paquita
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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Karma: 368
Posts: 1490



« Reply #29 on: August 27, 2017, 01:17:53 PM »


Until recently he could not stand buttons on any item of clothing, he’d melt down, not in a bratty way, but like he was truly disturbed, though recently he started wearing a button-down dress shirt to church, which we all take as a hopeful sign.


This is actually a real thing and runs in my family.  I still don't like buttons, but I can coexist with them.  I used to have fits about them before I was 5, especially the rivets on jeans, and I remember my mom forcing me to look at them and telling me the story about how she had to stand in a long line behind a girl who had buttons down her back and she forced herself to get over it that day.    My uncle never really got over it though.  He doesn't freak out or anything like he used to as a kid, but he just won't put up with them.

I also used to be afraid of being in a room alone when I was really young and I remember it was because I was certain when I left the room to go back into another room with people everyone would be dead and turned into scarecrow-like dolls.  I'd spend really long periods of time convincing myself it was safe to leave the room.  This was long gone by the time I was 9 though.

Poor kid.. I hope he gets over these things too. 

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