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October 20, 2017, 01:13:10 PM
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Author Topic: Honest opinions, please.  (Read 216 times)
javakoala
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« on: August 26, 2017, 12:22:28 PM »

I'm probably just being a petty a***ole about something that happened last night, so, before I say anything to the involved parties, I figured I'd get opinions from you folks.

Last night, I had a couple of people over. Rare and fairly monumental for me because of intense social anxieties, plus most times I ask folks over, it never happens.

I love these people. They have helped me with my emotional and mental ups and downs. One of them has been and is my closest friend as she is the one who came to my apartment with a cop to check on me when I attempted a passive suicide (I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but my therapist confirms such a thing does exist) by overdosing on Xanax last year, and even though she has touch aversion issues, she laid on the futon with me and let me hold onto her for dear life for a couple of hours.

We had a fairly good time with a couple of stouts and herbal therapy (I'll just leave that there as I don't care to be more specific due to my job). The other person is heavily addicted to cigarettes and the one mentioned above uses an electronic cigarette. I don't like cigarette smoke (yeah, six of one and half a dozen of another, right?), so they had gone down to smoke on the back steps of the building where I live.

Towards the end of the evening, they were headed down again for a smoke. Unlike the other times, I was invited along, so I said, "Sure. I just need to put on my shoes." They headed on downstairs. Once I got shoes on and locked my door, I head down and step out the back door. They are nowhere to be seen. A different guy was sitting out there smoking and playing with his phone. I asked if he had seen a guy and a girl come out.

Nope.

Okay, so they were out on the front porch. I go out there. No one to be found.

It is dark, the parking lot is barely lit, and I have no idea where they would have gone or where they were even parked. Maybe it is a touch of hubris, but I'm not about to wander around a dark parking lot trying to find vehicles since the lot was crowded on a Friday night. I just went back up to my apartment.

I felt like every single time I have been ditched in my entire life which is a list longer than I care to admit. I felt disrespected and insulted.

After 15 minutes or so, they come back to the apartment and sit down. Nothing was said. No one asked what happened to me or why didn't I go ahead and come out. Nothing. Not wanting to be a drama queen, I just kept my mouth shut, because, in the past, when I mention such things, I get told either it's my problem, or I'm being petty, or, worse yet, "oh, you were going to come along?" Well, yes, since I was specifically invited and confirmed I was coming along, and thanks for forgetting all that. I'm only your host for the evening, so I suppose I'm easily forgotten.

It has been making me angry since it happened. It has disrupted my sleeping and it is making my stomach hurt.

So, your opinions on a couple of points: First, am I just looking at this wrong somehow? Second, using restraint and only stating the facts I have without p**sy editorializing, should I even explain to either of them how this made me feel?

Fire away, because I've quit trusting myself when it comes to my reactions to perceived slights.
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Rev. Powell
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« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2017, 12:42:57 PM »

Weird behavior on their part. It was rude, but it's not like they ditched you for the night. Are they a couple who decided to sneak off for a little brief nookie?

I think if you are losing sleep over it you are indeed overreacting--or rather, it's your social anxiety overreacting. I am not sure what the solution is. But it sounds like these people are overall a positive in your life, so I would try to let it go and realize that while they may not be perfect, they are there for you when you really need it.
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"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED
indianasmith
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« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2017, 12:43:35 PM »

That is rather odd; I would go to each of them separately and ask what happened and why they ditched you after specifically asking you to come along.
Then I would let their answers determine my reaction.

Bottom line:  I always try to give people a second chance.
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javakoala
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« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2017, 01:55:39 PM »

That is rather odd; I would go to each of them separately and ask what happened and why they ditched you after specifically asking you to come along.
Then I would let their answers determine my reaction.

Bottom line:  I always try to give people a second chance.

I'm not intending to cast them out of my life. I just want to make sure I'm not out of line to ask why they didn't wait, and it is reasonable to explain that it seemed rude and dismissive.

And, Rev, no, they aren't a couple, so no nookie. Plus, why would I be invited along if they intended to do something like that? I mean, I may be a bit of a freak, but I'm not a perv.  BounceGiggle
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Paquita
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« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2017, 01:59:22 PM »

Aw!  First, I think you are over-thinking it and there were no ill intentions on their part.  These people like you, they came over, went out for a smoke a few times and came back each time and it sounds like they overall had a good time.  They invited you to come with one of the times and when you didn't come along with them immediately, aside from the fact that you said you were and were putting on shoes, locking doors, etc. they probably just assumed you weren't going to come after a minute or so had passed.  Their recent mind/judgement altering substance consumption may have come into play as well and 2 minutes may have felt like 20 or maybe they just forgot you said you were coming.  I think the spoken invitation may have been a big deal to you because of your anxiety issues, but in reality, you were most likely welcome all the other times and this time it was just said, but still no different to them from each time they had gone before. 

If it were me, as soon as they came back I would have asked, all in good humor, where they heck they went and made a joke out of the fact that I looked hither and thither and found hide nor hair of them.  Actually, if it were me, I would have whined and begged for one of them to wait for me whilst I shoed and locked up, but I can get away with that sort of thing being a girl and all.

If any one of them is close enough to you to know about your issues, maybe just bring up the fact that it bothered you more than it probably should and ask what happened.  I'm sure the answer is simple and no one is playing tricks on you.

This happens to me often too.  People invite me to lunch at work and most of the time I politely decline, but once in a while I'll accept and say I just have to run to the bathroom or something and sometimes I'll come back and find everyone gone.  We had a department outing last year and we were all supposed to go back in the same groups taking ubers, but everyone apparently had forgotten that I had never "ubered" before and I was left there, the last one, all alone in the middle of an unfamiliar part of Chicago with no uber knowledge and a prayer for a taxi.  Thankfully, one of the more thoughtful girls noticed I was alone and had her uber come back for me.  No one ever has bad intentions in these situations - they're just not used to dealing with people with weird social issues. 

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javakoala
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« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2017, 02:35:58 PM »

Aw!  First, I think you are over-thinking it and there were no ill intentions on their part.  These people like you, they came over, went out for a smoke a few times and came back each time and it sounds like they overall had a good time.  They invited you to come with one of the times and when you didn't come along with them immediately, aside from the fact that you said you were and were putting on shoes, locking doors, etc. they probably just assumed you weren't going to come after a minute or so had passed.  Their recent mind/judgement altering substance consumption may have come into play as well and 2 minutes may have felt like 20 or maybe they just forgot you said you were coming.  I think the spoken invitation may have been a big deal to you because of your anxiety issues, but in reality, you were most likely welcome all the other times and this time it was just said, but still no different to them from each time they had gone before. 

If it were me, as soon as they came back I would have asked, all in good humor, where they heck they went and made a joke out of the fact that I looked hither and thither and found hide nor hair of them.  Actually, if it were me, I would have whined and begged for one of them to wait for me whilst I shoed and locked up, but I can get away with that sort of thing being a girl and all.

If any one of them is close enough to you to know about your issues, maybe just bring up the fact that it bothered you more than it probably should and ask what happened.  I'm sure the answer is simple and no one is playing tricks on you.

This happens to me often too.  People invite me to lunch at work and most of the time I politely decline, but once in a while I'll accept and say I just have to run to the bathroom or something and sometimes I'll come back and find everyone gone.  We had a department outing last year and we were all supposed to go back in the same groups taking ubers, but everyone apparently had forgotten that I had never "ubered" before and I was left there, the last one, all alone in the middle of an unfamiliar part of Chicago with no uber knowledge and a prayer for a taxi.  Thankfully, one of the more thoughtful girls noticed I was alone and had her uber come back for me.  No one ever has bad intentions in these situations - they're just not used to dealing with people with weird social issues. 

They are both fully aware of my social anxiety. In fact, the girl has been following in my footsteps as far as barricading herself in her home, so it was even rare for her to come over. I spend a lot of time explaining to her that she shouldn't do what I do because it will magnify her own social anxieties as well as her depression and lack of self-esteem just as it has done with me.

I know it sounds like hyperbole, but this is a constantly re-occurring event in my life, since childhood. As you can tell, I have a hard time forgetting and moving on, so, again, I'm back to thinking I'm just being a petty a***ole, but I'm sick of letting this kind of thing continue.

I probably shouldn't interact with people. Just squirrels. I'm nuts, and squirrels like those.
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kakihara
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« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2017, 02:46:26 PM »

Like Rev said - They have had a positive role in your life.  Being that they invited you, and you confirmed, yes, it was rude and maybe even suspicious. Its possible that it wasnt intentionally rude. Maybe it was a quickie or a trip to the convienience store? Maybe theyre not used to you coming along? They did come back, so they didnt really ditch you.

It would have been better to ask at the moment that this happened. If its really bothering you, there is only one thing to do, ask. If you have to ask, do it in a casual conversation. Ask them separately and dont interrogate them. Just mention it, and move on.

I think that it would be best to try and leave it alone, if you can. I suggest not saying anything unless it happens again. If it does, deal with it then and there. There is a chance of alienating them, Its better to hold on loosely than to drive someone away.

 


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javakoala
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2017, 03:01:55 PM »

Well, I asked the girl (woman, lady, whatever). As usual, I'm apparently being an over-reactive jerk.

So...how about those Mets, huh? Great team.
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Rev. Powell
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« Reply #8 on: August 26, 2017, 09:21:29 PM »

Locked at the OP's request.
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"Clive [Barker]'s idea of a great time is to have a nightmare about a woman with three heads and no skin who flays your body with a pitchfork. To give you some idea, NIGHTBREED has over 200 pus monsters, including one guy with a crescent moonhead like the McDonald's commercial and a fat guy with snakes that pop out of his stomach and eat your face off, and these are the GOOD GUYS. These are the people we're supposed to LIKE."-Joe Bob on NIGHTBREED
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