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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet « previous next »
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Author Topic: Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet  (Read 18147 times)
clockworkcanary
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« on: February 26, 2007, 12:16:46 PM »

AKA When The Dead Conquer Earth

Calling all creative types, writers, movie-makers:

Ok, I'm going to start an interactive story and I encourage any posters, vets, newbs, and first time posters to help contribute.  Write a couple lines or two and incorporate as much b-movie making ideas as you want.  We'll see how many wild turns this story can take.  Feel free to add or subtract characters, or take the plot (if any) in whatever direction you wish.  Try to leave off with a cliffhanger if possible.  I'll get the ball rolling...write as little or as much as you like...




PART I: THE DEAD CONQUER EARTH

Chapter 1: The Reunion

White fade to a busy city street.  A bus stops, strangers get on, and the camera focuses on a young man named Jin (played by Keanu Reeves) sitting by himself starring out the window (he's still got his McDrunkard's nametag on).   He stares at a homeless guy out the window and starts to have a flashback/menory scene back to the early 80s...

<wobble wobble wobble>
Black and white footage - "Sunglasses at Night" is playing in the background.  It was 1983ish, Jin was all decked out in feathered hair mullet, a headband, parachute pants, and a Michael Jackson "Beat It" jacket.  He was out with his girl heading towards Lover's Lane(TM).  Her name was Sharlene.  She was quite voluptuous.  This was their third date.

They drive for awhile to some Whitesnake tunes and finally Jin puts the car in park, "like whao"
Sharlene, "why we stoppin' here?  I've heard about some psycho attacking kids out here"
Jin, "like, whoaa, I was totally gonna  tell ya somethin' important"
Sharline smiles and moves closer, "sure baby...what is it?"
Jin pauses for a few seconds and looks down, "I'm not like other grrrrr (cough cough)...raaaarr...(coughs) ...guys..."
Sharline, looking a little startled, "you ok baby-doll?"

Jin starts coughing even more violently; he tries to look down, covering his face with his hands, moaning and growling.

Sharline, "you're really startin' to scare ...."  but her sentence is cut off as Jin raises his horrific face, which looks like some kinda evil black and white bird with fangs, "raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!" he slaps at her with his big flipper wings...

Sharline screams her head off, busting out of Jin's Pinto at top speed.  The Were-Penguin somehowleaps over the car landing on her shoulders.  We hear clawing, wing slapping, screaming, and beak-snapping as the camera lurks up to the moon. 

We flash back...<wobble wobble wobble>...Jin's flashback is interrupted by a stranger who sits in the seat next to him.  Jin looks over and recognizes the face...it's none other than...
« Last Edit: March 26, 2007, 12:00:43 PM by clockworkcanary » Logged

"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2007, 11:27:14 PM »

Aaron (played by Samuel L. Jackson), a childhood friend of Jin's! They haven't seen each other since the late '90s.

Jin: Holy crap, Aaron?

Aaron: (turns to Jin) Holy s**t! Jin! Where you been, man? Still having troulbe with the ladies?

Jin: (a little embarrassed) Well, yeah...

Aaron: I could help you with that, if you like.

Another stranger sits next to Jin. Both men recognize this person. It is...
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Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2007, 06:55:59 AM »

*co-author note: Apologies for not responding to your first interactive B-Movie, Clockwork*

Jin: David Carradine?

Aaron: No you're that special FBI agent, that Lou-louie-- eeh, that monster hunter guy, right?

The man is indeed Louis Dehoven, the FBI's infamous "monster hunter" http://imdb.com/title/tt0165895/

Louis Dehoven: Indeed, there's no denying it now. I don't suppose you boys will get off with me?

Aaron and Jin give eachother a look, subliminally deciding to see what Dehoven wants with them. The bus stops, most people get off including the trio in question

Dehoven: Step in to my office

Dehoven leads Jin and Aaron into a building for rent, inside the floor around the walls is aligned with herbs and burning candles. While the friends look dumbfounded at this, Dehoven spreads more herbs and lights candles near the door.

Aaron: Now what is this s**t?

Dehoven: Now you demons can never leave, only me!

Jin: What are you, crazy?

Dehoven: I am here for you! I know what killings occur at night, how you two and one other-

Aaron: Wait? who's the other?

Dehoven: I don't know yet,

Dehoven takes a map out and unfurls it, it is marked in numerous places

Dehoven: but the attacks occurring around this city have been caused by three beings, three very inhuman beings

Jin: Aaron?

Aaron: I'm just a contract killer, I don't know what this guy is going on about

Jin: Whaa?

Dehoven: That's what you say now! I know what you are like, I know-

Aaron pulls a magnum on Dehoven

Aaron: Like this?

Dehoven pulls a Holy-looking artifact on Aaron

Dehoven: Die satan-spawn!

Jin notices loose seiling tiles and a rope hanging down from them, Jin pulls the ropes and brings down quite a bit of roof on Dehoven, who is crushed under a surprsing amount of rubble from the upper floor

Jin: You're a contract killer?

Aaron: What the hell are you that he wants to kill so much?

Jin: ...I'll tell you, back at my apartment. Let's see if we can find what's really plaguing this city

Jin sees part of Dehoven's map under the wreckage, torn off from themain body. He picks it up

Jin: Here's something, comon

The two go to leave, but stop hesitantly at the candles around the door

Jin/Aaron: Naaaw...

The two exit, leaving Dehoven, still alive, shifting under the rubble.
« Last Edit: February 27, 2007, 06:57:54 AM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged

Get out da' waaaaaaaayyy, octopus comin' through!
clockworkcanary
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« Reply #3 on: February 27, 2007, 09:02:57 AM »

Aaron and Jin high-tail it outside but are confronted by a gang...of clowns and mimes!  Their leader does the fake hands on the wall gesture to indicate they should stop...

Aaron: "did I mention that I REALLY HATE M##tha F*#!#?g clowns!"

Jin: "like whoa, I totally know dude, like, to the max"

The clowns start to surround the two and they hear the sound of switchblades opening.  One clown with the oversize boxing gloves comes in for a swing at Jin, but Jin evades easily.  The clown with the apron on slices at Aaron, but he dodges.  The mime with the red top hat gets a stab in the back though, but something strange happens.  Instead of piercing Aaron's skin, the impact bends the blade to hell!

Aaron, transforming his outer skin into a layer of gray rock, "you'll have to do better than that...I'm no token black guy you pastie-ass clowns!"

The clown shrugs in response as he lights up a flame-thrower!  Aaron looks like he's about to s**t when he sees this paired with his buddy, Jin down on the ground, getting pummeled by clowns!

All he can hear is Jin say, "aaau,  like, ouch,  whoa, aaaaarh, dude,  like, ahhh, I'm totally gonna,  aarr," to the sound of boots kicking him in the head and ribs...

...suddenly he hears growls and snapping when suddenly a giant were-penguin emerges, pecking the clowns to death.  The clown with the flame-thrower is distracted long enough for Aaron to do do a flying clothesline, sending the clown downtown. 

All the sudden, a limo comes speeding by, windows rolled down just a bit, gun barrels extend out, aimed at the two heroes...


*Co-author note: hey that's cool - glad you're helping with this one - interesting turns and plot devices already.
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"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
Trevor
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« Reply #4 on: February 27, 2007, 09:16:15 AM »

Close shot of the one gun brandishing clown:

Jin (glances up): "Holy s--t, it's Pennywise!"
Pennywise: "Way wrong, mutha! Robert Gray, at your service! (jerks thumb at the other window) I forgot how to float when those $#@% kids flooded my ass outta Derry. Meet my homeboy, Chuck Norris."

Chuck exits car and roundhouse kicks the hell out of both Aaron and Jim. Both homies groan in a voice only dogs can hear.

Aaron: "Sonofa.....................ow, mah sac!"
Jin: "Ughh...we need Trevor's help like now!"

Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #5 on: February 27, 2007, 12:23:09 PM »

Chuck then hands each of them a pamphlet about some new age religion, turns, and walks off the set.  Apparently his contract ran out and this film's budget is too low to keep him on.  He gives Penguin boy a knee to the chest on his way out.

Jin, changing back to human form completely, slumping to the ground, "dude, like, stop that car!" as Pennywise starts to peel-out due to Chuck's departure. 

But he is easily thwarted...Aaron, in full stone mode leaps and slams his fists into the hood of the limo, grabbing the front end and twirling it into a tree!  Pennywise flys out, bounces across the ground, doing a little death spasm. 

Jin finally gets up, approaches the twisted metal, and examines the clown.  On his person he discovers...
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"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #6 on: February 27, 2007, 03:20:07 PM »

A document written in what looks like german. Aaron cannot read it, but something tells him that whatever it ays can't be good.

Aaron: Jin! Check this s**t out!

Jin limps over, holding his chest.

Aaron: Somethin' in german. I got a bad feeling about it.

Jin appears to be able read it.

Jin: I can read a little of it... It says "The horde is coming. Call in the Doomtroopers... Crigta has been revived..."

Aaron: Horde? Doomtroopers? Crigta? This is messed up, man. Can you read anymore?

Jin: No, only that little bit. But I know someone who may be able to translate the rest.

Aaron examines the pamphlet Chuck gave them. It mentions something about a Horde and a Creature called Crigta, who, so the pamphlet says, is some kind of God.

Aaron: Says here Crigta is like some creepy-ass forgien version of Jesus.

Jin: Creepy-ass forgien Jesus? This is bad.
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"The only three things I hate are demons, malfunctioning robots, and monster movies that don't show you the monster."
clockworkcanary
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« Reply #7 on: February 28, 2007, 08:54:44 AM »

...suddenly they hear an unrecognized female voice with a thick Russian accent behind them, "yes...they are members of a crazy cult ...and Chuck drank their Kool-aide"

Aaron and Jin turn to see a huge valkrye(sp?)-like woman with long braids hanging out of a huge viking helmet (played by Rosie O'Donnell)

Jin does a little air guitar solo and says, "like, whoa, who are you?"

The huge barbarian woman introduces herself as Volga, from a Russian science station in Antarctica. 

Aaron, "hey...can you say 'must  get moose and squirrel' for us please?"

Volga, "NO!  Why does everybody always ask me that?" and she pulls out a large two-handed hammer!

Jin, "bogus!"
Aaron, "hey lady, I was just playin!"

Volga, "No my friend, it's not for you...it's for THAT!" as she points to...
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"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
Scott
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« Reply #8 on: February 28, 2007, 11:05:25 AM »

Approaching are a herd of moose being cattle driven to market by killer clowns from downtown. Concern peaks for Jin and Aaron who both turn to get away from the stampede. The sound of a 1000 moose echoing through the city canyon walls causes Aaron to freeze rock solid and Jin becomes hampered greatly by transformed web feet.

Volga: Stay with me boys.

As Volga raises her mighty hammer and with the thunderous noise growing louder. Aaron and Jin come to their senses, they turn to face the herd.

« Last Edit: February 28, 2007, 11:07:34 AM by Scott » Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #9 on: February 28, 2007, 11:19:48 AM »

And they see the man directing the herd; it's Louis Dehoven and he's riding the huge bull in the back yelling, "Get behind thee Satan!"

Aaron, yelling, "...that bastard won't stay down!"

Aaron goes rock mode just as a few cattle ram into him head-on, but they are deflected.  Jin does another air guitar solo, transforms into Were-Penguin, and starts to maul some cow.  Volga is swinging that huge hammer, cracking skulls left and right. 

Suddenly the cattle stop their attack, slowly surround the three in the center of a once busy city street.  Dehoven starts to speak...
« Last Edit: February 28, 2007, 11:21:59 AM by clockworkcanary » Logged

"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
Scott
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Hey, I'm in the situation room ! ! !


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« Reply #10 on: February 28, 2007, 11:55:06 AM »

Louis Dehoven: "Why did you kill my prize bull?"

Volga: "He's not dead.....look"

Volga kneels down and begins to nurse the bull back to health as the clowns, the other moose, Dehoven, Jin, and Aaron look on. Jin then looks towards Dehoven with the eyes of confusion.

Jin: Dehoven why are you interrupting the cities red tag sales? The people of this great city have the right to shop. Your moose have no right to graze the city parks. Your an evil man. Leave now and take those clowns with you.

Unlocking his gaze from Volga towards Jin. Dehoven begins to speak !
« Last Edit: February 28, 2007, 01:13:15 PM by Scott » Logged

CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2007, 09:43:51 PM »

Dehoven: You will not stop me from summoning Crigta and calling forth the Horde of the Dead! With Chuck Norris and an army of sociopathic clowns at my side, we will give the great one new life and cleanse the world of non-believers like yourselves!

Jin: Like, woah! He calls us demons with beliefs like THAT? And shouldn't you be thanking the Viking chick for helping your bull?

Dehoven: My thanks to her will be a quick and painless death at the hands of Crigta! The deaths of you and your friend, WerePenguin, will be slow and exceedingly painful!

Aaron: This f**ka's out of his mind!

Jin: Like, totally, to the max! (does a little air guitar thing)

Dehoven: You have won this time. But soon enough, Crigta will have innocent blood! (glares malevolently at Jin)

Dehoven, the moose, and the clowns turn and leave. Jin looks worried.

Jin: Innocent blood? No way! Jasmine! My main squeeze! No way, man!

Aaron: "Innocent blood"? Sounds like you finally found yourself a girl that doesn't have beach balls in her chest!

This conversation is interrupted, however, when a crack echoes through the air, and Aaron and Jin see Volga flying over the horizon! They look to where she was most recently on the ground, and see Chuck Norris, ready for a fight!
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Scott
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Hey, I'm in the situation room ! ! !


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« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2007, 11:09:22 PM »

Claude Van Dam comes from an alley way and ballet kicks Chuck Norris in the groin.

Chuck Norris: "Ouchies"

Then Claude Van Dam kisses Volga and she transforms into a beautiful Asian woman and he leaps back into the alley.

Fades to black

Camera zooms in as Dehoven, the herd of moose, and the clowns all file into their space craft to return to Uranus where Crigta lives two miles beneath the surface of the gassy planet.

Narrator: Dehoven and his motley crew head back to Crigta. Will they come up with a new plan (and script), or are they heading back for the horde of the dead? Our young hero's Jin, Aaron, along with the now beautiful Volga are headed to Venus the home of Volga the Venetian for more training to take on Crigta, Dehoven, the clowns, the horde of the dead, and the moose herd if necessary. The battle lines have been drawn and the fate of the earth lies in the balance.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2007, 06:21:47 AM by Scott » Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #13 on: March 01, 2007, 09:45:54 AM »

Cast Photo (so far):



...and special guest stars...The US Senate as the clowns (as themselves)!



Volga steers the craft into the depths of the Venusian Jungles.  They land in a rather hostile environment with "creatures" our heroes have never seen.

Volga, now speaking with a Manderin(sp?) accent, "now our training begins...we have to make it to the hive...alive!"

Aaron and Jin look at each other, "the hive!?" but before anyone can explain anything, a huge, plant-like tentacle bursts through the front windshield, smashing some poor guy in a red suit that we didn't notice before.

Volga, Aaron, and Jin bust their arses getting out of there, braving the harsh and humid jungles.  They dash towards what looks somewhat like a path, which winds uphill and under the canopy of the jungle bush.  They evade the tentacled beast (or at least the small chunk of it that was actually in view) but suddenly they are stopped...

...something block's their path ...a swarm of giant....
« Last Edit: March 01, 2007, 10:24:13 AM by clockworkcanary » Logged

"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #14 on: March 01, 2007, 02:31:22 PM »

more huge tentecles! They smash down on the ground, allowing whatever they are attached too to rear up. The monster raises its head out of the ground. It is like a huge green worm with thousands of dagger-like teeth. Standing on its head is Chuck Norris. He has his arms crossed and a confident look on his face.

Chuck Norris: Good afternoon. Volga, nice to see you no longer resemble Rosie O Donnel. I woulnd't have kicked you so hard back on Earth if you weren't in such a hideous disguise. Hey Jin! Your girlfriend Jasmine? Kinda hot, in a sweet little kitten kind of way. Crigta will be particualarly pleased when he drinks every last drop of her blood. Its sad really, that she will die so horribly on Uranus, while you and your companions die in even worse ways here on Venus. That Kool-Aide I drank... It made me even more powerful. Now, not even a WerePenguin, a gloem, and a Venusian warrior can defeat me! There is no Claude Van Dam to save you now!

Chuck jumps of the tentecled beast's head. The creature sinks back into the ground while Jin, Aaron, and Volga brace themselves for the storm that is coming. Then, without warning Chuck charges, and roundhouse kicks all of them into a patch of trees! More men in red suits, armed with broadswords, run out of the jungle at Norris, but he kills them all with his bare hands in mere seconds! Aaron and Jin transform and rush their enemy. Chuck jumps at Aaron, who jumps at the same time, and the two collide in a thunderous clash of titans!

Chuck wins however, and Aaron crashes to the ground. Jin sneaks up on Norris and pecks him furiously on the head. But this barely draws blood, and mostly only irritates Chuck. Volga blindsides him with her hammer, but this also does little damage. Chuck puches them both, and they both go flying back! Even more men in red suits appear, now armed with alien pistols, and fire and Norris, but he dodges the plasma charges and demolishes them all the same!

Jin: Please say those sissies aren't the Doomtroopers.

Volga: No. The Doomtroopers would last more than about three seconds on average, even against Chuck Norris.

Meanwhile, on a mothership hovering above Uranus...
Logged

"The only three things I hate are demons, malfunctioning robots, and monster movies that don't show you the monster."
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