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47. Akutaq (Alaska)

Say this for akutaq, Alaska's putrid mixture of whipped fat (usually vegetable shortening; traditionally blubber) and berries: What it lacks in, um, not being f**king disgusting, it more than makes up for in the rich lipids and antioxidants the hardy people of the Last Frontier need to get through their pitch-dark "days" of drilling for oil, hunting kidnapped prostitutes across the tundra, and starving to death in abandoned buses.

CINCINNATI -- Oh no he didn't.

To the annoyance of Cincinnatians near and far, an article recently published slams Cincinnati Chili in every way possible. The writer goes so far as to say getting hit by a car is better than the “horrifying diarrhea sludge” we have made a main food group in the Queen City.

As a Cincinnati girl born and raised, I have a few choice words for Deadspin article author , Albert Burneko: You've forever made an enemy of our amazing city.

Burneko, originally from a state known for peanuts and ham (so what does he really know, anyway?), has angered Cincinnati natives everywhere by questioning and calling out our deep-rooted chili culture.

Generations of Cincinnatians have grown up on the Greek-inspired dish and I will go out on a limb to say we are none too pleased with the hateful and rude description of our beloved food and those who enjoy it.

Not only does Burneko rate Cincinnati Chili dead last, right behind getting hit by a car (slightly obnoxious, man), he describes it as “the worst regional foodstuff in America or anywhere else,” and a “bad-tasting Z-grade atrocity.”

Burneko doesn't stop at ripping Cincinnati chili, but the Ohioans that consider it a staple.

“The only thing ‘chili’ about it is the shiver that goes down your spine when you watch Ohio sports fans shoveling it into their maws on television and are forced to reckon with the cold reality that, for as desperately as you might cling to faltering notions of community and universality, ultimately your fellow human beings are as foreign and unknowable to you as the surface of Pluto, and you are alone and always have been and will die alone, a world unto yourself unmarked and unmapped and totally, hopelessly isolated.”

Correct me if I’m wrong, but did he just write Cincinnatians will die alone due to our love of chili? Who is this detestable hack?

READ MORE: The 'Nati responds to the chili-bashing

Not to mention he rates Chicago-style deep-dish pizza as No. 1. How generic, dude. Please be a little more creative next time. At least our town is known for something other than pizza, which almost every town in America claims it cooks up with some "unique" style.

“Cincinnati chili is the worst, saddest, most depressing ******* thing in the world,” Burkeno writes. “If it came out of the end of your digestive system, you would turn the color of chalk and call an ambulance, but at least it'd make some sense. The people of Ohio see nothing wrong with inserting it into their mouths, which perhaps tells you everything you need to know about the Buckeye State. Don't eat it. Don't let your loved ones eat it. Turn away from the darkness, and toward the deep-dish pizza.”

Don't worry, Burneko doesn't stop there, he continues his repulsive rant aimed at bordering states Kentucky and Indiana.

He ranks Kentucky "Burgoo" at No. 12 and writes, "Kentucky's signature food, a whatever-you-got stew that never tastes the same twice, gets a million imaginary bonus points for its wonderful communal nature: People just bring whatever ingredients they can, and everybody puts what they've got into the stew, and out comes burgoo, and that is just ******* beautiful, even though in reality probably 78 percent of its ingredients were scraped off I-64 with a snow shovel."

Classy, isn't he?

Indiana doesn't get out of Burneko's trash talking either, with its fried pork tenderloin sandwich coming in at No. 35. He writes, "This is a crispy chicken sandwich, only with a big, chewy sheaf of salty pig in place of the juicy, marinated chicken breast. It is neither particularly interesting nor particularly original. It is the signature food of Indiana, which, of course it is."

Is it possible to dislike someone more?

Hotdish (Minnesota)

This is basically the same thing as Kansas's hamburger casserole—some meat, some starch, some mushy overcooked vegetables, and some canned soup, dumped into a deep pan and baked for a while—only with a name that makes it sound like Rod Stewart should be humping its leg in a London disco in 1974.

So with that being said, the author of this piece, Albert Burneko, can go and f**k himself. No seriously, this douchebag comes from the state of Virginia, known for their peanuts and ham. How generically stupid and backwoods is that? Now, how does it feel that I've just insulted an entire state? Any Virginians in here? HA HA! You all suck! Hey look, I can be funny, sarcastic, and offensive too!  :bouncegiggle:

Actually, I think this piece from a Cincinnati periodical rips this a***ole a new a***ole (is that redundant?) rather well:



[url]http://www.wcpo.com/web/wcpo/news/local-news/deadspin-article-calls-cincinnati-chili-horrifying-diarrhea-sludge[/url] ([url]http://www.wcpo.com/web/wcpo/news/local-news/deadspin-article-calls-cincinnati-chili-horrifying-diarrhea-sludge[/url])

Yup that's us.  Yesterday's leftovers + 3 cans of various vegetables (whatever's been sitting in the back of the cupboard for longer than anybody can remember) + 2 cans of cream of mushroom soup.  Dump some milk in there too because every recipe should have some milk in it.  Good people might add a layer of tater tots over the top, evil people (and there are plenty of those in Minnesota) will hide large quantities of broccoli beneath the surface.

To put it in a since, this is how I view him
([url]http://www.epicgifs.net/images/show/TFH4EM2S[/url])
He is a troll, he wrote paragraphs on how to eat a Popeye's Biscuit. That should tip you off. :wink:

I kinda figured that. I wasn't knocking you at all, El Misfit. I do not kill the messenger, especially one that is waving the Sarcasm Flag. I just saw an opportune moment to trash the troll in question.

Yes, I too, perused that website. I'm curious as to what the guy actually knows about cooking, since everybody knows that Chicago-style pizzas are inferior to New York-style pizzas, and I don't even like New York City.  :teddyr:

Yeah, this cat didn't try. 
 Y'know after reading about it in a book years ago, I always wanted to try Akutaq.
-Ed

if the list is sarcastic then I take it 'A f**king steamed f**king cheeseburger' is the most delicious state food in the US, and 'Chicago-style deep-dish pizza' is the most disgusting?

as a brit I've only eaten about 5 things in that whole article... 'frozen custard' sounds interesting

Frozen custard is like a more solid soft serve. Steamed burger seems to be kinda weird to me, it doesn't have the juices that gives the burger more of a juicy flavor, nor does it have charcoal flame taste.

I don't understand the concept of deep frying a good piece of steak in chicken batter with white gravy, that kinda defeats the purpose of a well made steak.
Also, the Colorado entry is confusing, many people have never heard of cowboy cookies, so I would replace that with beer, say New Belgium Brewery options.

This list is sarcastic, you'll see why. Enjoy and laugh, if you do not, then you are a rebel and will be terminated.
[url]http://deadspin.com/the-great-american-menu-foods-of-the-states-ranked-an-1349137024[/url] ([url]http://deadspin.com/the-great-american-menu-foods-of-the-states-ranked-an-1349137024[/url])

Also, Scrapple is superb. Nothing says great breakfast than a giant fried hunk of meat made out of pig intestines and everything else.

Chicken Fried Steak is a very tasty dish,actually,made from a well-tenderized piece of meat. I don't know who first decided to batter it but I must applaud them. :wink:

Of course,being a Texan I also adore a nice Ribeye steak.  :thumbup:

It's the 'everything else' you wrote that makes me a little worried.  :buggedout: :wink:

It's the 'everything else' you wrote that makes me a little worried.  :buggedout: :wink:

Not being a native Texan, but having lived here over half of my life, the operative word is "well-tenderized." The chicken fried steak is not the tenderest steak from the animal. Thus, the tenderizing, the battering, and the cream gravy makes the steak more edible. And it is good. And I might add, that a "true" cafe cook would serve the cream gravy UNDER the steak, as opposed to a "faux" cafe cook who would serve the cream gravy OVER the steak. Though, I don't know if any cafe cook serves it the "true" way any more.

The New Orleans gumbo looks delicious.  :smile:

Also, I want to try traditional akutaq. I think it sounds delicious.