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Other Topics => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:22:36 PM

Title: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:22:36 PM
If you keep playing tennis one of your arms is going to get bigger than the other, and you'll never find a dress that'll look right.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:23:00 PM
Hush, not talking never killed anybody. Well you weren't yelling 'watch out!' were you?
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:23:25 PM
Nothing wrong with wanting to be thin but there's a difference in being thin and being skinny, and if your body starts looking like Jesus' hanging up there on a crucifix, it's time for a good meal.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:24:03 PM
Why did I look forward to Heaven so much when I was little? Well, let me tell you, I grew up sharing a bed with my sister, and she wet that bed til I was about nine. Our mom made her sleep in rubber underpants but she'd take them off. You really start looking forward to dying and going to Heaven someday when you wake up next to your sister's pee every morning.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:24:47 PM
I wasn't scared of the ducks when I ran, Ellie, I just didn't want them to have a chance to bite me.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:25:27 PM
Only English people need be afraid of going to the dentist.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:26:41 PM
You don't need to know what that word means. The Bible has lots of words you don't need to know about yet.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:27:24 PM
It was so hot my first summer in America, pregnant with you, which made it worse, that I thought I might actually die, so I used to walk around with iced cabbage leaves on top of my head to stay cool. People would move aside when they saw me walking down a sidewalk wearing vegetation, but in our neighborhood that was usually that a good thing.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:29:11 PM
Why don't you want me to teach you how to play the piano? Sharks don't attack people who can play the piano.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:29:44 PM
I remember your first day in kindergarten, and you were cute as a fairy fart in your little school uniform.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:30:23 PM
If the Brady Bunch had been Catholic there'd have been ten kids at least.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:31:24 PM
Oh, sure, he's into you for your brain. And Mother Theresa keeps kosher in her nunnery.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:31:56 PM
If the Almighty wanted me to learn to swim, the Almighty would have made me WANT to learn how to swim.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:32:32 PM
I didn't grow up with dolls, I had baby siblings.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:33:09 PM
Girls shouldn't fight, but they can kick boys in the shins, I suppose. No, only the shins.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:33:41 PM
Hellfire and buttercups!
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:34:22 PM
Here, look, I'm being patient with you but if you don't stop that I'll turn you over to the Magdalens, for sure!
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:35:23 PM
The problem with cats is they demand too much from people. You let them sleep on the chairs and then soon they want under the covers with you at night, like you married them.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:35:52 PM
I don't fight with your dad, I talk to him til he understands what I mean.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:37:01 PM
Sure I was happy I had a girl when I had you, but mind you I did have some sweet boys names waiting to use.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:38:04 PM
Because it's not a nice word, and if you use words like that people start thinking your mother didn't bring you up right. So think of me if you say that word. There, that's cured you, hasn't it?
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:41:05 PM
Eastenders is a morality play to your gran's thinking. Gays get AIDS, Angie's liver failed her because of drink, Den got shot and dumped in a canal for being a dishonest man, kids do drugs and automatically OD, Michelle Fowler had sex once and got pregnant. It's kind of like how she thinks God ought to get people in real life, so it keeps her hoping.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:41:39 PM
Go out and win nice now! (Her concept of how I should play tennis.)
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:42:16 PM
I was married a virgin, did that set the bar too high for you?
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:43:00 PM
It's not hard to sound American, I found. I just watched lots of American TV and started talking through my nose and saying "like" a lot.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 12:43:39 PM
If I see you flush one more Kleenex down the toilet I'm going to make you blow your nose on toilet paper til you leave home.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: LilCerberus on October 07, 2019, 02:42:48 PM
Some people live from payday to payday, and other people live 'on' payday.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: RCMerchant on October 07, 2019, 06:13:15 PM
To my dad- " You whore master!"
To a random person walking in the middle of the street in Manhattan while she's driving a car-
" Do you need a dog and a cane?! Get off the street, mo-mo!"
She was from NYC.
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on October 07, 2019, 08:26:29 PM
"We are descendants of the fairy folk."
Title: Re: Stuff Your Mom Used To Say
Post by: ER on December 03, 2019, 12:33:27 PM
"Most people are nice."