If you keep playing tennis one of your arms is going to get bigger than the other, and you'll never find a dress that'll look right.
Hush, not talking never killed anybody. Well you weren't yelling 'watch out!' were you?
Nothing wrong with wanting to be thin but there's a difference in being thin and being skinny, and if your body starts looking like Jesus' hanging up there on a crucifix, it's time for a good meal.
Why did I look forward to Heaven so much when I was little? Well, let me tell you, I grew up sharing a bed with my sister, and she wet that bed til I was about nine. Our mom made her sleep in rubber underpants but she'd take them off. You really start looking forward to dying and going to Heaven someday when you wake up next to your sister's pee every morning.
I wasn't scared of the ducks when I ran, Ellie, I just didn't want them to have a chance to bite me.
Only English people need be afraid of going to the dentist.
You don't need to know what that word means. The Bible has lots of words you don't need to know about yet.
It was so hot my first summer in America, pregnant with you, which made it worse, that I thought I might actually die, so I used to walk around with iced cabbage leaves on top of my head to stay cool. People would move aside when they saw me walking down a sidewalk wearing vegetation, but in our neighborhood that was usually that a good thing.
Why don't you want me to teach you how to play the piano? Sharks don't attack people who can play the piano.
I remember your first day in kindergarten, and you were cute as a fairy fart in your little school uniform.
If the Brady Bunch had been Catholic there'd have been ten kids at least.
Oh, sure, he's into you for your brain. And Mother Theresa keeps kosher in her nunnery.
If the Almighty wanted me to learn to swim, the Almighty would have made me WANT to learn how to swim.
I didn't grow up with dolls, I had baby siblings.
Girls shouldn't fight, but they can kick boys in the shins, I suppose. No, only the shins.
Hellfire and buttercups!
Here, look, I'm being patient with you but if you don't stop that I'll turn you over to the Magdalens, for sure!
The problem with cats is they demand too much from people. You let them sleep on the chairs and then soon they want under the covers with you at night, like you married them.
I don't fight with your dad, I talk to him til he understands what I mean.
Sure I was happy I had a girl when I had you, but mind you I did have some sweet boys names waiting to use.
Because it's not a nice word, and if you use words like that people start thinking your mother didn't bring you up right. So think of me if you say that word. There, that's cured you, hasn't it?
Eastenders is a morality play to your gran's thinking. Gays get AIDS, Angie's liver failed her because of drink, Den got shot and dumped in a canal for being a dishonest man, kids do drugs and automatically OD, Michelle Fowler had sex once and got pregnant. It's kind of like how she thinks God ought to get people in real life, so it keeps her hoping.
Go out and win nice now! (Her concept of how I should play tennis.)
I was married a virgin, did that set the bar too high for you?
It's not hard to sound American, I found. I just watched lots of American TV and started talking through my nose and saying "like" a lot.
If I see you flush one more Kleenex down the toilet I'm going to make you blow your nose on toilet paper til you leave home.
Some people live from payday to payday, and other people live 'on' payday.
To my dad- " You whore master!"
To a random person walking in the middle of the street in Manhattan while she's driving a car-
" Do you need a dog and a cane?! Get off the street, mo-mo!"
She was from NYC.
"We are descendants of the fairy folk."
"Most people are nice."