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(https://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9UxHwUfG2qQ/TG6bV1IOOoI/AAAAAAAACEo/4_yxrCT9qKA/s1600/steven_seagal.jpg)

I've recently gone back and watched all of Steven Seagal's early films (most of which I'd seen, others like OUT FOR JUSTICE and ON DEADLY GROUND which I hadn't), and I'm left wondering if he must've had the following 3 rules written into his contract, which may have looked like this:

(1) BAD GUY SELF-OWNAGE
 During any mass brawl, Seagal will manage to somehow make bad guys either hurt themselves, or hurt each other by mistake. Seagal makes the bad guys do half the work for him

(2) CAN'T SHOOT, WON'T SHOOT
 In any one-on-one stand off involving Seagal and a bad guy, if the bad guy decides to pull a gun on Seagal they will instantly be hit with total brain-freeze, leaving them incapable of functioning on any level, nevermind pulling the trigger... Seagal will then calmly walk up and disarm them. (this rule must also happen multiple times per film)

(3) STRANGER IN TOWN
Bad guys and Seagal's fellow good guys alike must have absolutely no idea where he's come from, and must gossip to each other in hushed tones about what a mysterious badass he is.

If I notice any other rules I may add them but these stick out... :smile:

He made Mercenary For Justice here and I talked with one of his fellow actors in that: he told me that Seagal needed a stunt double to throw a punch in one scene.  :buggedout:

Fourth golden rule: invent a new martial arts style like slappee snotee every time you face a new opponent.  :wink:

Haha, some of his ‘moves’ do actually look like something I last saw in my primary school playground

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

The bathroom assault scene in that film is hilarious: the person with the pistol is the actor who told me about SS needing a stunt double. Just by the way, the word 'poophole' means 'a-hole'  :buggedout: :wink: :wink:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg_oKnEmd1w (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg_oKnEmd1w)

There you go, Rule (2) in that very clip. Gun pulled on Seagal on a one-on-one, but for whatever reason bad guy is incapable of pulling the trigger, then Seagal disarms him :)

Very cool that you have a Seagal anecdote!

Fake Urinals?

Indeed: the producers of that were chased out of SA by a long line of angry creditors back in the 1990s: they skimped on everything like paying their casts and crews and paying for set design.  :buggedout:

Thanks: mine's not as good as the one about him going poopie in his pants but it will do.  :buggedout: :wink: :wink:

5th rule.  Seagal can't be hurt and doesn't fight anyone tougher than he is. 

I watched a video examining different movie fight styles, (which I can't find now) and they pointed out something interesting about Seagal. 

He doesn't get outmatched and he doesn't get hurt.  When he fights somebody, he kicks their ass easily.

Most action heroes will get slapped around for a while, get the crap kicked out of them by a superior opponent, and then come back for the win.  Not Stevie. 

^ true... there's never really any 'fighting', it's just the Stevie show. dispenses of any opponent with ease. this didn't even occur to me

I thought that the biggest weakness of Under Siege is that Tommy Lee Jones doesn't land a single hit on Seagal. Kind of makes him a weak villain and not really a threat.

Same with Eric Bogosian in Under Siege 2.

I never cared for the shmuck.
Hell, even Chuck Norris got his ass kicked- and killed; of course it was Bruce Lee, but still!

(https://i.imgur.com/uFpreh5.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

My boss was seriously into martial arts and competes at a reasonably high level. He said Norris and Seagal did have a match, but they did it in private with no witnesses and they've never told anyone who won.

^ Bet Norris beat his ass. Because he can actually fight.

That would be my guess.

in their prime I think Norris would humiliate Seagal... however I think Van Damme would probably beat Norris

I recall Jones's character getting in one minor cut during that fight.

I just wanted to share this. 

https://youtu.be/2MamGWJL5Ug

I watched a few videos from a Youtube channel that goes though Steven's movies, and they've pointed out things like where stuntdoubles were obviously used for stuff like walking up and down stairs.

 :buggedout: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

ROFLMAO

since making this thread I've acquired about half a dozen more Seagal dvds, the book 'Seagalogy' which methodically breaks down every single movie he's ever done in great detail, and also his country album 'Mojo Priest'

what the hell is wrong with me

I think you need serious help. On the other hand if you've bought his album I suspect it is too late.

amazingly he has 2 albums. must... resist... the... other... one

all I know is there is no WAY he is playing the guitar solos he has credited himself with in the liner notes. no way.

If I am not mistaken, you live in England don't you Zombie no.one?

Yes - which seems to put me in a minority of 1 on this board?

keeping it real for team Seagal , uk style

Yeah, I may have to visit you when I am on a course south of the border later this year, or early next year. Trust me, what I am going to have to do is for the greater good of humanity...   :bouncegiggle:

Hmm, well that sounds faintly terrifying… in a wholesome kind of way, of course !

If it helps, despite 3 decades of military training I cannot think of a single thing I could ever do that would be more painful than watching/listening to Seagal's stuff.  :tongueout:

Say no more, brother: the first 35 seconds of this song is SS trying not to mess his undies singing  :buggedout: :wink:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl4nf1FtQ1w (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gl4nf1FtQ1w)

Definitely not in his octave..