Badmovies.org Forum

Yes....it would be nice to hear some Jokes. I've heard many,many jokes, but I'm a terrible joke teller, mostly because I usually forget how to tell the joke very quickly...brain damage is the reason. Even if you think everybody has heard it before go ahead and tell it, it will still be funny. Laughter is the best medicine.   :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:

A clown, a nun with a chicken, two midgets in omppa-loompas outfits, a pirate, 3 dogs with a cats on their back. a goat and the pope walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says .....










... what is this some kind of joke?


Easy joke to remember, just put a bunch of weird things together and remember the punch line.

Let's see here.

Two lesbians...

Oh...sorry, that's not part of the joke, I was just thinking aloud. :teddyr:



I've told this on here before, but it has been a while. This was a joke I oddly made up for self-defense when I used to do church directories. Not often, but sometimes, somebody would have a personal problem with me being a vegetarian; this joke usually shut them up quickly.



Before I became a vegetarian, I did consider cannibalism.
Among cannibals, the palm of the hand is considered the most delicious part of the human body.
However, I would absolutely draw the line at eating anybody who has been to a palm reader.

 :question: The usual expression that followed, along with the question "Why?"




I don't like read meat. :tongueout:

What do you call a militant vegetarian?

Lactose intolerant.


That's a joke son, laugh!

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

Sure, it's lame, but the only other one that usually comes to mind is the elementary-school joke about how to catch a polar bear.

How?

Ok some guy walks into a bar jokes ...

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

NEXT ...

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas all around it. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole! (Remember, it's an elementary-school joke, so if you happen to be ten, this joke's hilarious, because you get to say things that sound almost dirty!)

Haha! Icehole, peas!! Ha

A lazy old hillbilly is sitting in his shack  with his toothless wife on a stormy day. The roof is leaking bad,with buckets placed at spots around the room to catch water as it drips .
the old lady says," You worthless old drunk! Why don't ya ever patch that roof up?!"
To which the old fart says,:
"Lissen here,! When it's a-rainin' I can't and when the sunshines,It don't leak!"

I'll keep it pretty clean, maybe someone can start a dirty joke topic.

Plus I generally suck at telling jokes.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, " Get out we don't serve strings in here!" The string goes back outside, ties himself into a loop, unravels one end of himself and re-enters the bar. The bartender tells him, " Didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings in here!" The string says back, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

A guy joins a monastery, and has to take a vow of silence, but the head monk tells him every 10 years he's allowed to say two words. After ten years, the man walks into the head monk's office says, "Bed hard" and walks out. Ten years go by, he comes in the head monk's office again and says, "Food cold" and walks out. Ten years later he walks in again and says, " I quit." The head monk says back, "Good. You haven't stopped b***hing since you got here."

I've been married and divorced three times. The next time I want to get married, I'm just gonna find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.

I have a split personality, and so do I.....

Heard at an AA meeting:
 A guy at AA pronounces to the group-"I haven't felt it nessacary to get drunk for over 20 years!"
 One other guy says-"Bulls**t! I saw you staggering outta the bar last night wasted!"
 First guy-" Oh yeah! I know!But it wasn't  nessacery!" :drink:

Whats red and pink smells like sh!t and screams?
 A filthy baby chewing on a razor blade. :bluesad:

 :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:
I'm laughing and feeling real healthy.......
 :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle: 

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here...so make it a good one." The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of out lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer. "Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."

I found this and I thought it was kinda of cute....  :bouncegiggle:(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_001201c6d3895441b3500201a8c0DCJ.jpg)

 :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/nocandy.jpg)

My two personal favorites (get ready to laugh, heh. not really):

Knock knock
whos there?
lemon
lemon who?
a lemon



knock knock
whos there?
lettuce
lettuce who?
lettuce in, its cold out here


Guy 1:My dog has no nose!
Guy2: Then how does he smell?
Guy 1: Awful!



heh heh *snicker*

This is for all you guys over 30, who think they're really old...  :smile:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_011601c6d6a16424a6400201a8c0DCJ.gif)

THE BURGLAR
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a stupid name for a parrot,"sneered the burglar. "What idiot would name a parrot Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."  :bouncegiggle:

THE VAMPIRE BAT
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "Ok, follow me," he said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes,yes,yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"


Should I stop putting in these jokes?  :smile:

(http://www.digitalpimponline.com/images/movie/44.jpg)

Andrew and Trekgeezer would like this one.



A guy walks into a bar in West Virginia and orders a mudslide.
 
The bartender looks at  the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?".
 
"No," replies the man,  "I'm from Arkansas ".
 
The bartender looks at  him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Arkansas?".   

"I'm a taxidermist," said  the man.
 
The bartender, looking  very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-E-derm-ist?".
 
The man says, "I mount  animals".
 
The bartender stands back  and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!".

THE HOLE
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across a big deep hole. "Wow, that looks deep." "Sure does! Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait, but there is no noise. "Jeeez. That is really deep. Here, throw one of those great big rocks down there. That should make a noise." They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait, and wait, but again hear nothing. They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that in, it's got to make some noise!" The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey! You two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I've ever seen. It came
running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!" "Nah," says the farmer, "that couldn't have been mine. MY goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Well today (Presidents Day) it started hailing.  This is a little surprising, since I live in Phoenix.  After a few minutes of standing outside looking at it, I turned to my little brother and said, "Now that's what I call hailing to the Chief!"

He hit me.

I admire his restraint.  :tongueout:

THE CAB DRIVER
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much. The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver-I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!"  :buggedout:

A guy was out jogging and stopped at a streetcorner.  Waiting there was a man with a dog.  The dog starts licking himself in a personal place.  The jogger says "Sometimes I wish I could do that".  The dog owner says:  "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."


Why don't cannibals like clowns? 
They taste funny.

Two fish are in a tank.. One says "Can you drive this thing?" 

Once a masochist said "Hurt me, baby!"  I said "No."

Ok, I'm out of jokes

-Ed

LESSON to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before. Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.
Meanwhile....somewhere in Houston...a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
Date: Friday, December 1, 2006
Subject: I have Arrived!
Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful a mine was.
PS.....Sure is freaking hot down here!
Your loving Husband

Two Irishmen are lost in the deep snow of the Alps.
They see a Saint Bernard comming to them with a cask round its neck.
Sean : "Aye, if it isen't mans best friend!"
Pat : " Aye, and look at the size of the dog bringin' it!"

THEATER GUEST

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man,"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager." In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied..."The balcony."

I guess I should of put this on the "A stupid moment in time" topic...  :bouncegiggle:

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal'?

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while
driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a
half.

 How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

10. OK…so what’s the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldn’t repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember - if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

20 Life isn’t like a box of chocolates - it’s more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

 :hot: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

This is a cute joke I came across on the net, thought I'd share it.

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!

THE SURGERY
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. "The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. "After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."  :teddyr:

THE WIFE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.

Ok...I've got one.

"Did you hear the one about the teacher who was arrested trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator?"

"He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction."   :teddyr:

One day wifey goes to a garage sale and finds a full length mirror that would go perfectly on her bathroom door. When she pays for the mirror, the lady selling it tells her it is a magic mirror and she should be careful how she uses it. Wifey thinks this is just a story and takes the mirror home.

Later that day with the new mirror mounted on the bathroom door Wifey takes a shower. When she gets out to dry herself she looks at the mirror and wonders about if it's really magic. She stands in front of the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bust a forty-four. POW! she is suddeny over-endowed.

When Hubby comes home he notices Wifey's newly enhanced bosom and asks what the deal is. She relates the tale of the mirror, but Hubby thinks she's faking something and laughs at her. 

Later as Hubby takes his nightly shower he gets out and looks at the mirror. He starts to wonder about the mirror. Something happened to Wifey. Could it be magic?  He decides to give it a try by saying, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker drag the floor."

POW!





His legs fall off!

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the s#$t out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

A BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says,"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...."He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box....."

INVITATION TO DINNER
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" " Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

THE FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. "The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day. the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but considering the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." The man is stunned, but he does, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous young woman. "And that, I swear, is how that woman ended up in my room."  :teddyr:

What do you get, when you cross an owl with a bungee chord?






My ass!!!

(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/511177fishfart.jpg)

THIRTEEN
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."  :smile:

(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_005401c75ec65ab2eec08369a50carl.jpg)

(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_005501c75ec65ab2eec08369a50carl.jpg)
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_005601c75ec65ab2eec08369a50carl.jpg)
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_005701c75ec65ab2eec08369a50carl.jpg)

WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????......  :bouncegiggle:

How can you tell when a blonde is having a really bad day?  She's got a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

This thread needs some cowbell.

(http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y191/mvmm_420/morecowbell.gif)

Yaddo's story on the monks got me thinking, so................... :teddyr:

A really stressed out businessman goes and lives in a monastery for a few weeks every year just to chill out. Each time he arrives, he asks the Head Abbott for three things: a piece of apple, a piece of orange and a piece of string. Each night, the Abbott lies in the cell next to him and hears some very weird noises from the man's room: "Zing, Ding, Zinger Ding Ding Ding!" and so on. Each year the man returns and each time he asks for the same things and each time the weird noises are heard.

The fifth time that the man arrives, the Abbott asks him: "Look, you've been coming here for five years now. Each time you ask for a piece of apple, a piece of orange and a piece of string and then every night we hear these weird zing, ding, zinger ding ding ding noises coming from your room. You sound like you've got the Crazy Frog in there. Please tell me, what are you doing with those things? Otherwise I'll go mad."

The man said "I will tell you provided you swear never ever to tell anyone else." And the Abbott said "I promise."  :teddyr:








And the Abbott was a man of God, so he kept his word.  :teddyr:

THE FARMERS

A farmer from Texas goes to Australia on vacation. There he meets an Australian farmer and gets talking. The Australian shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice that size!" The Australian is annoyed at the Texan but doesn't say anything. They walk around the farm a little, and the Australian farmer shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately replies, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows." The conversatin has died down when the Texan sees some kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks the Aussie, "What are those?" The Australian replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

As being from Texas, hey, I know that farmer. And we do have grasshoppers in Texas, but we don't like to talk about them. As they are only about half the size of an Australian roo.

That's big enough....  :buggedout:   :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said,"it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

What is purple and conquered the world?


-Alexander The Grape


 What's big and purple and lies next to Ireland?


-Grape Britain



*Sn****r sn****r* Haha, i can't resist those cheesy 60's grape jokes. Oh god, I can't restrain from laughing at those. They are so ridiculous, yet so funny. Ha

You reminded me of one we used to tell all the time when we were little......
What's purple with yellow dots all over it?
I don't know but there goes another one.  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:

DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR JOB........
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/dont_complain3.jpg)

Ha, that is a good one. I remember one like that too.
What's orange, has four legs, and does backflips?
An orange, four-legged, backflipping monster  :teddyr:
Except, no two re-telling of that joke is the same, basically just make it up

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him, "Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times."
The doctor nods and gives her some pills. "Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done."
So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor. "What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!"
The doctor nodded, "It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!"  :buggedout:

VISITING A BARBER

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

4 pages and I haven't posted in a while, let's see if I can kill this thread. I'm good at that. With an old fashioned, lame, and sexist joke......

A man comes home from work, his wife greets him at the door and hits him on the  head with a frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he wakes up, he staggers into the kitchen and sees the wife sitting in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee.

"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for twenty years of bad sex."

The husband pick up a frying pan and hits the wife over the head with it. When she wakes up, she asks why he did it.

So he tells her, "That's for knowing the difference."

Another oldie bouncing around in my head:

My grandfather was a very successful man, He was a veterinarian and a taxidermist.

I know what you're thinking,.......but either way you got your dog back.

(http://i30.photobucket.com/albums/c315/Texdar/index-1.gif)

THE TOP 10 CONTESTANTS FOR THE 2006 WOMENS DRIVERS AWARD

10th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_013c01c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

9th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_013d01c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

8th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_013e01c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

7th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_013f01c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

6th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014001c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

5th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014101c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

4th place goes to:
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014201c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

BRONZE MEDAL WINNER
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014301c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

SILVER MEDAL WINNER
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014401c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)
Her helmet is being worn backwards

And finally, here is our 2006 Women Drivers Awards
GOLD MEDAL WINNER
(http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p240/denjoy73/cid_014601c773ed254a7af02f01a8c0DFQ.jpg)

A guy with a huge orange head walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.  The bartender says to him, "I'm not tryin; to be rude or nothin', but how did that happen?  I mean, were you born like that or sumthin?"  The man responded, "It's actually an interesting story."  "It all strted when I was in my attic and came across and old dusty lamp.  When I was cleaning it, I released a genie inside, who offered me three wishes.   My first wish was of course to all the money I could ever want. The second wish was to be loved by the most beautiful women in the world, which has been great.  For my third and final wish, I asked for an orange head."

I'm kind of a fan of absurdism.  If you're not familiar with absurdism, here's a good one.

Q: How many absurdists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "S&%T! THAT'S the word!"

 A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
  husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly".

  "Please pay me a compliment".

 The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".

 He never heard the shot...

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life ?"

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: WHO IS JACK SCHITT?  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone days, "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, "you don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

This is not just a joke, but an urban legend:

A man and his wife are getting ready for a costume party. The man brings home his devil costume, but isnt sure what his wife is going as. When he asks her, she says she isnt feeling well, and tells him to go alone. After he leaves, the woman-who really suspects her husband of cheating on her-disguises herself as an angel and goes to the party alone. Right away, she spots the red devil flirting with other women. Wanting to catch the cheating SOB at his own game, she flirts with him herself, and before you know it, they sneak off to have a little "private fun." Later on, she returns home, and waits up to catch her husband walking in costumeless at two in the morning.

"How was the party?" she asks him.

"It was boring", the man says, "so me and some friends went out to play pool. We didnt get back to the house until a little while ago."

"Is that so," the woman mutters suspiciously.

"Yeah...it probably wouldnt have been much better for you, either, if you had come. I will say this, though: the guy I lent my costume to had a blast!"

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.” After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,…

“Who was that?” “It was Bob the next door neighbor,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

(http://www.dcn.davis.ca.us/go/gizmo/graphics/thurber.gif)

I got this one of office diversions
 

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff". T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. However, the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. However, the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!". Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?” The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!". Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

I recently read a news story where bulbs grow well in fertilizer made from pulverized rodents.  Turns out that Tulips grow best in Hamster Jam.
-Ed

All clean keep yer mind outta no gutter:

Q: What's better than roses on a piano? 
A: Tulips on an organ. 

Q: An apple and a banana are at the top of the Empire State Building.  The apple jumps; the banana does not . . . why not? 
A: 'Cause it was yellow. 

Q: How come they have a gate around the cemetery? 
A: 'Cause so many people are dying to get in! 

This one was recently sent to me via email; thought I would share. :tongueout:


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary , he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've
even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann and said, "Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He then turned to the third mom, Joyce and said. "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy
by the hand and whispered, "come on, Dick, we're leaving."