Badmovies.org Forum

AKA When The Dead Conquer Earth

Calling all creative types, writers, movie-makers:

Ok, I'm going to start an interactive story and I encourage any posters, vets, newbs, and first time posters to help contribute.  Write a couple lines or two and incorporate as much b-movie making ideas as you want.  We'll see how many wild turns this story can take.  Feel free to add or subtract characters, or take the plot (if any) in whatever direction you wish.  Try to leave off with a cliffhanger if possible.  I'll get the ball rolling...write as little or as much as you like...

---

PART I: THE DEAD CONQUER EARTH

Chapter 1: The Reunion

White fade to a busy city street.  A bus stops, strangers get on, and the camera focuses on a young man named Jin (played by Keanu Reeves) sitting by himself starring out the window (he's still got his McDrunkard's nametag on).   He stares at a homeless guy out the window and starts to have a flashback/menory scene back to the early 80s...

<wobble wobble wobble>
Black and white footage - "Sunglasses at Night" is playing in the background.  It was 1983ish, Jin was all decked out in feathered hair mullet, a headband, parachute pants, and a Michael Jackson "Beat It" jacket.  He was out with his girl heading towards Lover's Lane(TM).  Her name was Sharlene.  She was quite voluptuous.  This was their third date.

They drive for awhile to some Whitesnake tunes and finally Jin puts the car in park, "like whao"
Sharlene, "why we stoppin' here?  I've heard about some psycho attacking kids out here"
Jin, "like, whoaa, I was totally gonna  tell ya somethin' important"
Sharline smiles and moves closer, "sure baby...what is it?"
Jin pauses for a few seconds and looks down, "I'm not like other grrrrr (cough cough)...raaaarr...(coughs) ...guys..."
Sharline, looking a little startled, "you ok baby-doll?"

Jin starts coughing even more violently; he tries to look down, covering his face with his hands, moaning and growling.

Sharline, "you're really startin' to scare ...."  but her sentence is cut off as Jin raises his horrific face, which looks like some kinda evil black and white bird with fangs, "raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!" he slaps at her with his big flipper wings...

Sharline screams her head off, busting out of Jin's Pinto at top speed.  The Were-Penguin somehowleaps over the car landing on her shoulders.  We hear clawing, wing slapping, screaming, and beak-snapping as the camera lurks up to the moon. 

We flash back...<wobble wobble wobble>...Jin's flashback is interrupted by a stranger who sits in the seat next to him.  Jin looks over and recognizes the face...it's none other than...

Aaron (played by Samuel L. Jackson), a childhood friend of Jin's! They haven't seen each other since the late '90s.

Jin: Holy crap, Aaron?

Aaron: (turns to Jin) Holy s**t! Jin! Where you been, man? Still having troulbe with the ladies?

Jin: (a little embarrassed) Well, yeah...

Aaron: I could help you with that, if you like.

Another stranger sits next to Jin. Both men recognize this person. It is...

*co-author note: Apologies for not responding to your first interactive B-Movie, Clockwork*

Jin: David Carradine?

Aaron: No you're that special FBI agent, that Lou-louie-- eeh, that monster hunter guy, right?

The man is indeed Louis Dehoven, the FBI's infamous "monster hunter" http://imdb.com/title/tt0165895/ (http://imdb.com/title/tt0165895/)

Louis Dehoven: Indeed, there's no denying it now. I don't suppose you boys will get off with me?

Aaron and Jin give eachother a look, subliminally deciding to see what Dehoven wants with them. The bus stops, most people get off including the trio in question

Dehoven: Step in to my office

Dehoven leads Jin and Aaron into a building for rent, inside the floor around the walls is aligned with herbs and burning candles. While the friends look dumbfounded at this, Dehoven spreads more herbs and lights candles near the door.

Aaron: Now what is this s**t?

Dehoven: Now you demons can never leave, only me!

Jin: What are you, crazy?

Dehoven: I am here for you! I know what killings occur at night, how you two and one other-

Aaron: Wait? who's the other?

Dehoven: I don't know yet,

Dehoven takes a map out and unfurls it, it is marked in numerous places

Dehoven: but the attacks occurring around this city have been caused by three beings, three very inhuman beings

Jin: Aaron?

Aaron: I'm just a contract killer, I don't know what this guy is going on about

Jin: Whaa?

Dehoven: That's what you say now! I know what you are like, I know-

Aaron pulls a magnum on Dehoven

Aaron: Like this?

Dehoven pulls a Holy-looking artifact on Aaron

Dehoven: Die satan-spawn!

Jin notices loose seiling tiles and a rope hanging down from them, Jin pulls the ropes and brings down quite a bit of roof on Dehoven, who is crushed under a surprsing amount of rubble from the upper floor

Jin: You're a contract killer?

Aaron: What the hell are you that he wants to kill so much?

Jin: ...I'll tell you, back at my apartment. Let's see if we can find what's really plaguing this city

Jin sees part of Dehoven's map under the wreckage, torn off from themain body. He picks it up

Jin: Here's something, comon

The two go to leave, but stop hesitantly at the candles around the door

Jin/Aaron: Naaaw...

The two exit, leaving Dehoven, still alive, shifting under the rubble.

Aaron and Jin high-tail it outside but are confronted by a gang...of clowns and mimes!  Their leader does the fake hands on the wall gesture to indicate they should stop...

Aaron: "did I mention that I REALLY HATE M##tha F*#!#?g clowns!"

Jin: "like whoa, I totally know dude, like, to the max"

The clowns start to surround the two and they hear the sound of switchblades opening.  One clown with the oversize boxing gloves comes in for a swing at Jin, but Jin evades easily.  The clown with the apron on slices at Aaron, but he dodges.  The mime with the red top hat gets a stab in the back though, but something strange happens.  Instead of piercing Aaron's skin, the impact bends the blade to hell!

Aaron, transforming his outer skin into a layer of gray rock, "you'll have to do better than that...I'm no token black guy you pastie-ass clowns!"

The clown shrugs in response as he lights up a flame-thrower!  Aaron looks like he's about to s**t when he sees this paired with his buddy, Jin down on the ground, getting pummeled by clowns!

All he can hear is Jin say, "aaau,  like, ouch,  whoa, aaaaarh, dude,  like, ahhh, I'm totally gonna,  aarr," to the sound of boots kicking him in the head and ribs...

...suddenly he hears growls and snapping when suddenly a giant were-penguin emerges, pecking the clowns to death.  The clown with the flame-thrower is distracted long enough for Aaron to do do a flying clothesline, sending the clown downtown. 

All the sudden, a limo comes speeding by, windows rolled down just a bit, gun barrels extend out, aimed at the two heroes...

---

*Co-author note: hey that's cool - glad you're helping with this one - interesting turns and plot devices already.

Close shot of the one gun brandishing clown:

Jin (glances up): "Holy s--t, it's Pennywise!"
Pennywise: "Way wrong, mutha! Robert Gray, at your service! (jerks thumb at the other window) I forgot how to float when those $#@% kids flooded my ass outta Derry. Meet my homeboy, Chuck Norris."

Chuck exits car and roundhouse kicks the hell out of both Aaron and Jim. Both homies groan in a voice only dogs can hear.

Aaron: "Sonofa.....................ow, mah sac!"
Jin: "Ughh...we need Trevor's help like now!"

Chuck then hands each of them a pamphlet about some new age religion, turns, and walks off the set.  Apparently his contract ran out and this film's budget is too low to keep him on.  He gives Penguin boy a knee to the chest on his way out.

Jin, changing back to human form completely, slumping to the ground, "dude, like, stop that car!" as Pennywise starts to peel-out due to Chuck's departure. 

But he is easily thwarted...Aaron, in full stone mode leaps and slams his fists into the hood of the limo, grabbing the front end and twirling it into a tree!  Pennywise flys out, bounces across the ground, doing a little death spasm. 

Jin finally gets up, approaches the twisted metal, and examines the clown.  On his person he discovers...

A document written in what looks like german. Aaron cannot read it, but something tells him that whatever it ays can't be good.

Aaron: Jin! Check this s**t out!

Jin limps over, holding his chest.

Aaron: Somethin' in german. I got a bad feeling about it.

Jin appears to be able read it.

Jin: I can read a little of it... It says "The horde is coming. Call in the Doomtroopers... Crigta has been revived..."

Aaron: Horde? Doomtroopers? Crigta? This is messed up, man. Can you read anymore?

Jin: No, only that little bit. But I know someone who may be able to translate the rest.

Aaron examines the pamphlet Chuck gave them. It mentions something about a Horde and a Creature called Crigta, who, so the pamphlet says, is some kind of God.

Aaron: Says here Crigta is like some creepy-ass forgien version of Jesus.

Jin: Creepy-ass forgien Jesus? This is bad.

...suddenly they hear an unrecognized female voice with a thick Russian accent behind them, "yes...they are members of a crazy cult ...and Chuck drank their Kool-aide"

Aaron and Jin turn to see a huge valkrye(sp?)-like woman with long braids hanging out of a huge viking helmet (played by Rosie O'Donnell)

Jin does a little air guitar solo and says, "like, whoa, who are you?"

The huge barbarian woman introduces herself as Volga, from a Russian science station in Antarctica. 

Aaron, "hey...can you say 'must  get moose and squirrel' for us please?"

Volga, "NO!  Why does everybody always ask me that?" and she pulls out a large two-handed hammer!

Jin, "bogus!"
Aaron, "hey lady, I was just playin!"

Volga, "No my friend, it's not for you...it's for THAT!" as she points to...

Approaching are a herd of moose being cattle driven to market by killer clowns from downtown. Concern peaks for Jin and Aaron who both turn to get away from the stampede. The sound of a 1000 moose echoing through the city canyon walls causes Aaron to freeze rock solid and Jin becomes hampered greatly by transformed web feet.

Volga: Stay with me boys.

As Volga raises her mighty hammer and with the thunderous noise growing louder. Aaron and Jin come to their senses, they turn to face the herd.

And they see the man directing the herd; it's Louis Dehoven and he's riding the huge bull in the back yelling, "Get behind thee Satan!"

Aaron, yelling, "...that bastard won't stay down!"

Aaron goes rock mode just as a few cattle ram into him head-on, but they are deflected.  Jin does another air guitar solo, transforms into Were-Penguin, and starts to maul some cow.  Volga is swinging that huge hammer, cracking skulls left and right. 

Suddenly the cattle stop their attack, slowly surround the three in the center of a once busy city street.  Dehoven starts to speak...

Louis Dehoven: "Why did you kill my prize bull?"

Volga: "He's not dead.....look"

Volga kneels down and begins to nurse the bull back to health as the clowns, the other moose, Dehoven, Jin, and Aaron look on. Jin then looks towards Dehoven with the eyes of confusion.

Jin: Dehoven why are you interrupting the cities red tag sales? The people of this great city have the right to shop. Your moose have no right to graze the city parks. Your an evil man. Leave now and take those clowns with you.

Unlocking his gaze from Volga towards Jin. Dehoven begins to speak !

Dehoven: You will not stop me from summoning Crigta and calling forth the Horde of the Dead! With Chuck Norris and an army of sociopathic clowns at my side, we will give the great one new life and cleanse the world of non-believers like yourselves!

Jin: Like, woah! He calls us demons with beliefs like THAT? And shouldn't you be thanking the Viking chick for helping your bull?

Dehoven: My thanks to her will be a quick and painless death at the hands of Crigta! The deaths of you and your friend, WerePenguin, will be slow and exceedingly painful!

Aaron: This f**ka's out of his mind!

Jin: Like, totally, to the max! (does a little air guitar thing)

Dehoven: You have won this time. But soon enough, Crigta will have innocent blood! (glares malevolently at Jin)

Dehoven, the moose, and the clowns turn and leave. Jin looks worried.

Jin: Innocent blood? No way! Jasmine! My main squeeze! No way, man!

Aaron: "Innocent blood"? Sounds like you finally found yourself a girl that doesn't have beach balls in her chest!

This conversation is interrupted, however, when a crack echoes through the air, and Aaron and Jin see Volga flying over the horizon! They look to where she was most recently on the ground, and see Chuck Norris, ready for a fight!

Claude Van Dam comes from an alley way and ballet kicks Chuck Norris in the groin.

Chuck Norris: "Ouchies"

Then Claude Van Dam kisses Volga and she transforms into a beautiful Asian woman and he leaps back into the alley.

Fades to black

Camera zooms in as Dehoven, the herd of moose, and the clowns all file into their space craft to return to Uranus where Crigta lives two miles beneath the surface of the gassy planet.

Narrator: Dehoven and his motley crew head back to Crigta. Will they come up with a new plan (and script), or are they heading back for the horde of the dead? Our young hero's Jin, Aaron, along with the now beautiful Volga are headed to Venus the home of Volga the Venetian for more training to take on Crigta, Dehoven, the clowns, the horde of the dead, and the moose herd if necessary. The battle lines have been drawn and the fate of the earth lies in the balance.

Cast Photo (so far):

(http://www.webtechinfo.com/simon/files/Dave/WEBTECHINFO/file/DAVE/newcast.jpg)

...and special guest stars...The US Senate as the clowns (as themselves)!

---

Volga steers the craft into the depths of the Venusian Jungles.  They land in a rather hostile environment with "creatures" our heroes have never seen.

Volga, now speaking with a Manderin(sp?) accent, "now our training begins...we have to make it to the hive...alive!"

Aaron and Jin look at each other, "the hive!?" but before anyone can explain anything, a huge, plant-like tentacle bursts through the front windshield, smashing some poor guy in a red suit that we didn't notice before.

Volga, Aaron, and Jin bust their arses getting out of there, braving the harsh and humid jungles.  They dash towards what looks somewhat like a path, which winds uphill and under the canopy of the jungle bush.  They evade the tentacled beast (or at least the small chunk of it that was actually in view) but suddenly they are stopped...

...something block's their path ...a swarm of giant....

more huge tentecles! They smash down on the ground, allowing whatever they are attached too to rear up. The monster raises its head out of the ground. It is like a huge green worm with thousands of dagger-like teeth. Standing on its head is Chuck Norris. He has his arms crossed and a confident look on his face.

Chuck Norris: Good afternoon. Volga, nice to see you no longer resemble Rosie O Donnel. I woulnd't have kicked you so hard back on Earth if you weren't in such a hideous disguise. Hey Jin! Your girlfriend Jasmine? Kinda hot, in a sweet little kitten kind of way. Crigta will be particualarly pleased when he drinks every last drop of her blood. Its sad really, that she will die so horribly on Uranus, while you and your companions die in even worse ways here on Venus. That Kool-Aide I drank... It made me even more powerful. Now, not even a WerePenguin, a gloem, and a Venusian warrior can defeat me! There is no Claude Van Dam to save you now!

Chuck jumps of the tentecled beast's head. The creature sinks back into the ground while Jin, Aaron, and Volga brace themselves for the storm that is coming. Then, without warning Chuck charges, and roundhouse kicks all of them into a patch of trees! More men in red suits, armed with broadswords, run out of the jungle at Norris, but he kills them all with his bare hands in mere seconds! Aaron and Jin transform and rush their enemy. Chuck jumps at Aaron, who jumps at the same time, and the two collide in a thunderous clash of titans!

Chuck wins however, and Aaron crashes to the ground. Jin sneaks up on Norris and pecks him furiously on the head. But this barely draws blood, and mostly only irritates Chuck. Volga blindsides him with her hammer, but this also does little damage. Chuck puches them both, and they both go flying back! Even more men in red suits appear, now armed with alien pistols, and fire and Norris, but he dodges the plasma charges and demolishes them all the same!

Jin: Please say those sissies aren't the Doomtroopers.

Volga: No. The Doomtroopers would last more than about three seconds on average, even against Chuck Norris.

Meanwhile, on a mothership hovering above Uranus...

Chapter 2: The Phantom Boss

...the camera hovers above the Bad Guy Table (TM).  Dehoven is there along with five other bad guy lackies and the Big Boss(TM)  - a hooded figure with a deep (and obviously disguised) voice. 

Big Boss(TM): You've done well Lord Dehoven.  Everything is going according to plan.  They will never suspect the traitor...

Lackie1, some three-armed guy with a domed-face plate interrupts; it starts complaigning in some alien language, shaking its three fists in the air...

Big Boss(TM) flips a switch and somehow the lackie is dropped out of an air lock, out and into the void of space.

Big Boss(TM): Anyone else wanna complain about...

Meanwhile, in the prison sector, a long hallway is lined with small jail cells, energy sheilds replacing the locks and bars. One cell is guarded by four hulking creatures that resemble a cross between a crab, a gorilla, and a large black lizard. In this cell is Jasmine (played by Rachel McAdams). She is fast asleep on the matress on the ground meant to be a bed.

Back on Venus, Jin, Aaron, and Volga are still having trouble defeating the mighty Chuck Norris. Currently, Jin, dressed like Neo, and Chuck are in a Matrix-Style fist fight. Jin is losing, but every once in a while he gets a punch in. Chuck has slowed down a little since when the last time we saw the battle, but he is still kicking the crap out of his opposition. Aaron jumps off a treetop and body slams Norris. This seems to be quite effective, as Chuck struggles to pull himself to his feet after the blow.

Aaron: Mutha just won't quit!

Jin: To the max. (does air gutair)

Volga: Wait! I know his weakness! Remember how Van Dam beat him? He kicked him in the crouch! That's his weak poi-(roundhouse kicked into a tree)

Chuck Norris: I don't even have to kill you. All I have to do is keep you busy until the sacrifice is made. Once Crigta has risen, nothing will stop him! He will rule the universe, with his followers at his side!

Jin: Your an evil man, Chuck Norris. You were the most awsome man who ever lived until you joined this cult. What made you become this way?

Chuck Norris: Do I need a reason? I'm Chuck Norris, b***h! I can do whatever I damn well please!

Aaron, talking trash with a sudden Spanish accent, in a strength to strength lock up with Chuckles, "Ah but Chuck, I know somethig you don't know" similar to the conversation in Princess Bride

Chuck, clutching him by the throat, "tell me...tell me this somethig"

Aaron, "I have somethig you do not have"

Chuck, "tell me..."

Aaron tosses Chuck back a few feet with a sudden burst of strength, "I have a Figurine of the Cloned One!"

Chuck, and everyone else, "Who?!"

Aaron, "the cloned one of Bruce Lee!  And he's easily kicked your ass before!"  Aaron breaks out a small figurine of Bruce in his trademarked kick stance.  Aaron mumbles something in an unknown language and the figurine turns into Bruce Lee ...only it's his clone so it has blue hair!

Aaron, looking back at Jin and Volga, "they forced me to use it!"

Blue-Haired Bruce Lee (BHBL) screams: "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooww"

Chuck Norris's head caves in and he dies on the spot from the force of the blue cloned Bruce Lee's sliding side kick.

Jin: "Aaron I'm not feeling good about this. There's nothing here for us."

Aaron: "Were you going Jin?"

Jin: "Just going to take a walk."

Aaron: "I'm gunna get me some chow. See you back at camp."

Jin: "Don't let the bedbugs bite."

Aaron laughs as Volga quietly walks a head.

While walking around the soupy landscape of Venus Jin stumbles across a cemetery like the ones on Earth. Reading the dates on the tombstones Jin realises that it's from an Earth colony. Upon one of the stones is the name Marlon Brando his favorite film star. Running back to camp and telling the others about the site they all race to the foggy cemetery on the distant planet called Venus.

Jin: "Look Aaron it's the grave of Marlon Brando."

Aaron: "Yea, I liked him in the film Apocalypse Now. He was crazy as Kurtz. We could use Colonel Kurtz right now against that Horde of the Dead. Our chances are really bad and I'm gettin home sick. If my mama could only see me now."

Volga starts chanting and talking to the spirits. Light begins to enter the burial grounds and the soil begins to move. Rising from the Venetian surface is a human like body. Bald and rather heavy set with a tape recorder.

Jin: "It's Brando ! ! !"

Aaron: "Kurtz ! ! ! ! ! !"

Brando: "Friends, Romans, and country men. Lend me your ears."

Jin: "Wow, that was right from the film Julius Ceasar."

At that moment a Cambodian Army rises from the Venetian graves.

Aaron: "Shakespeare...man."

Volga approaches Brando and kneels before the great one.

Brando: "Up great Goddess. You and I are equals."

Brando and Volga retreat to the Venetian forest and aren't seen till morning. Brando's Cambodian Army holds back Jin and Aaron. As the morning sun appears so do Brando and Volga. Cambodian soldiers wake Jin and Aaron to the new day as Brando pushes record on the tape machine.............

Brando: It is on this grave day that we prepare to for the arrival of the Doomtroopers, and for the Horde of the Dead to begin to spread throughout the planets. Soon, we leave for Uranus. Hopefully, we are not too late.

Just as he finishes talking, a huge black drop ship touches down next to the camp. About six dozen soldiers completely covered in menacing black amour, toting large futuristic machine guns exit the vehicle before it takes off and leaves.

Brando: At last, the Doomtroopers arrive.

Aaron: That's them? I was expecting a little more from all the hype.

Doomtrooper: We would have brought more men, but we saw you had the Cambodians here, too. 

Jin: No problem. So when do we leave for Uranus?

Doomtrooper: Our briefing said we'd be heading there in about an hour and a half.

Jin: Woah... I can't believe that less than three days ago I was on a bus to Wal-Mart back on Earth, and now I'm going to Uranus to save my girlfriend from an insane cult. Crazy, man. By the way, Aaron, what was with that crazy Spanish accent earlier?

Aaron: It was nothing, I was just in the mood.

Meanwhile, back in Jasmine's jail cell...

Jasmine: So girls what do you want to do next. Oooo this is wonderful. I hope we don't have to leave anytime soon.

Meanwhile back on Venus

Volga: Lord Brando has plans for the two of you. You'll notice that outside the earths atmosphere your transformative powers have all but dissapeared.

Brando pushes the record button. Jin and Aaron listen closely.

Brando: Crigta is a domineering man...........who didn't use all his anal energies when young due to harsh toilet training by his parents............They rushed him through potting training and now he has become the beast that we know today. An "A" type personality......."A".........is for anal........."J" is for Jacks..........Cinnamon toasty apple jacks. This is why we will vanquish him from Uranus !

Aaron: Jin notice the true devotion and discipline the Cambodians and the Doomtroopers have for Lord Brando.

Jin: Your sounding better already Aaron.

Aaron: Yea man..........Ready for battle. Wonder what Volga was talking about? That they have a plan for the two of us?

Jin breaks into a wicked air guitar solo as the troops board the transport ships for Venus.

....Jin's guitar solo is interrupted by Aaron's cell phone...

Aaron, "sh!t...it's my mom"

Jin, "you gonna answer it? we're running out of time!"

Aaron, "yeah I have to...uh boy"

Aaron answers and Jin can hear the garbbled nagging and yelling...supposedly Aaron was supposed to have returned long ago with a gallon of milk!  After an intense back-n-forth Aaron hangs up, "we got problems!"

Jin, "Bogus...what kinda problem?"

Aaron, "well, I just found out that we are actually working for DARTH Brando!

Jin, "then that must mean...

Brando: Halt right there guys. Don't mean to interrupt you while your mama tells you "bad" things about me. What I need you guys to do is to go deep into Uranus and tell me what you find. We don't know the way into Crigta's defenses, but you two are just right for the job.

Aaron: That's it Jin. This guy takes us for two turds.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: I'm outa here.

Just then Lord Brando's Doomtroopers stop them and they are injected with miniture nuke devices with timers on them. They have to obtain all vital intelligence on Crigtas defenses and the location of Crigta in order to make the planet Lord Brando's own and if they can't get back in time at least Lord Brando will have eliminated Crigta and his Horde of the Dead with the total destruction of Uranus. 

Aaron: Jin we have to come up with a plan...........fast.

Aaron and Jin are put into a small probe while Lord Brando's Doomtroopers distract Crigta's forces on the other side of Uranus.

Aaron and Jin sit down inside the opening to the inner core of Uranus

Jin: alright, this is where it all starts. Obviously he's not in this layer, that wouldn't be arcane enough. But, if we dig deeper into the core we should reach Crigta before these things go off. then, if we're out of options we sacrifice ourselves and blow this whole bloody joint!

Aaron: Wait a damn second! You finally find a girlffriend who wants you, but not enough to set off that penguin mojo and you blow her to hell?

Jin: ...You're right, you save Jasmine, I'll sacrifice myself to blow this bloody joint to hell!

Aaron: What do you mean? That defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Jin: Will you sacrifice yourself then?

Aaron: hell no! Why are you so stuck on this heroic death thing?

Jin: I dunno, I mean 2 nukes set to go off in 30 minu-

Aaron: Wait, that sunofab***h only gave us half an hour to find bizarro savior?! He wants us to blow ourselves up to stop this

Jin: Oh, I thought we were supposed to, ya' know, goes with the image...

Aaron: Yes it does, but this is no movie. We have to find somewhere to get these things taken out

Jin: Right... But just in case, we'll find Jasmine first!

Aaron: Fine, she should be easier

Aaron and jin run down the opening and find a doorway on the right. They take it and find a long hallway

Jin: This is the prison wing

Aaron: Why do you say that

A "whip!" and a scream is heard

Aaron: Nevermind, how do you do that?

Aaron and Jin speed down the hallway, looking in the windows of every holding cell. They stop when Jin hears Jasmine's voice

Jin: That's her! I heard...

Jasmine (offscreen): OOOh Yeah! Oh, that was nice, you ALWAYS know how to make me happy, Celina. Do it again!

Aaron: Now what the hell is that?

Jin and Aaron run towards Jasmine's (played by Audrey Tautou) cell to find her with a chunky green alien with an aardvark-like trunk, sucking in a stone and shooting it back out like a blowgun

Jasmine: TEE-HEE! Oh, hello Jin. You came to rescue us, right?

Jin: Who is... "us"?

Jasmine: oh, this is Celina, another virgin The dead 5 kidnapped. She's cheered me up quite a bit in this cramped holding cell. Look at how she sucks and blows!

Celina does the trick again

Jin: Hu-uH?

Aaron: Wait, can she suck, say, things out of a body?

Jasmine: Yes! What do you need?

Jin: A bomb!

Jasmine: A bomb?!

Jin: That's how Brando Shanghai'ed us into this

Jasmine: I don't-

Jin: Well you see, Marlon Brando-

Jasmine: No, I get that part, didn't you come for me?

Jin: (awkward) We-Well-

Aaron is getting his skin sucked by Celina, who pulls the bomb out with no visible skin disruption

Aaron: Uugh... Okay, your turn

Celina begins on Jin

Jasmine: So, you forgot all about me?

Jin: Noo! You were just... left... as a... This tickles!

Jasmine: Jin!

Jin: As a sideplot!

Celina sucks the bomb out and drops it

Jasmine: Siggh, I'm just a sideplot? It's like I don't even exist

Jin: Jasmine, wait, don't say-

Enter Dehoven with 4 evil troopers

Dehoven: Soon, you won't! And neither will my other 4 sacrifices for Crigta!

Jin: You just had to say... JASMINE!

Jasmine and Celina are taken helplessly from their cell, more troopers take a Decapodian, a robot, and a giant beast creature. The evil troops take the aliens away while Dehoven grabs ahold of Jasmine

Dehoven: You have no chance to survive, come my assassins!

Jin and Aaron are surrounded by a group of

*Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee)
*Leon the professional (Jean Reno)
*The Jackal (Edward Fox (Not Bruce Willis!))
*Dosu Kinuta (some ink on paper)
*Bunji Kugashira (more ink on paper)
*Wikipe-Tan (some pixels on a paint program)
*and Dale Gribble! (Mike Judge)

Aaron: Did it just get more than a bit nerdy in here?

Jin: No! Not again! I am tired of shooting through assassins of little importance. Just let me kill you already this is just wasting time. Now I know what will happen, we will fight these assassins, we will kill these assassins, and we will find you and we will

BANG!

Jin turns around, to see Aaron on the floor in a pool of blood

Jin: Aaron! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Dehoven: You see, I thought for a long time of stopping you with assassin after assassin. But, then I remembered Chuck Norris and realized where I made a mistake, if I sent an assassin at a time, you would just find their token boss weakness and kill them. So I thought, "I should have just sent them all after you at the same time!". And it was good...

Jin: You can't do this! Aaron's name is in almost all of the titles! This many boss battles at once is unfair!

Dehoven: Who said life was fair? This is no movie, boy. See you in hell, but I won't be there so, eh?

Dehoven leaves with Jasmine as the assassins converge on Jin

Scaramanga: You realize that for ages the enemy of Lycan has been vampire, werepenguin?

Scaramanga reveals a set of fangs!

Wikipe-Tan: Prepare to die, 1980s fancruft!

Dale: Monkey style!

Leon: Meh...

Jin: Can't lose! got to think of Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine!

Jin: (VO) Just then, I realized that to beat these things, I couldn't think of Jasmine, I had to think of

(Flashback, Wobble-Wobble...)

(http://www.webtechinfo.com/simon/files/Dave/WEBTECHINFO/file/DAVE/newcast.jpg)

(http://www.webtechinfo.com/simon/files/Dave/WEBTECHINFO/file/DAVE/newcast2.jpg)
(http://www.webtechinfo.com/simon/files/Dave/WEBTECHINFO/file/DAVE/newcast3.jpg)

...my training days back with Master Jack Baytes (played by Ben Stein).  It's the only way I can fight these fools!

We get a montage of Master Baytes instructing and training Jin back when he was a bit younger (all to the sound of "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background.  We see various shots of Master Baytes beating the tar outta Jin with various household items -everything including the kitchen sink.  We see Master Baytes push Jin onto some hot coals while barefooted; he drops melons from trees high above, smashing Jin in the stomach; we see Jin and Master Baytes doing keg stands; and finally, in the montage, we see Jin and co. sparring with various oddball opponents (a chef, a gardener, a magician, a group of monkeys, a cyborg chicken, and some guy in a smurf outfit).

After the montage is over, it appears that Jin is at some kind of graduation ceremony.  We see him and his classmates lined up to receive some sort of medal.  Aaron is standing next to him - apparently training in a different part of this strange campus.

Master Baytes addresses each graduate one by one, awarding them medals.  He addresses Aaron first, congratulating him for a job well done.  He addresses Jin, "Grasshoppa...you've been trained somewhat mediocre-like.  Because I'm in a good mood ...well...even though you kinda suck and all, I'm afraid you just barely graduated.  But I'm kinda sick of lookin' at ya and I don't really want you stinkin' up my ring next year so...here ya go (places the medal around him)...you have graduated from Grasshoppa to Penguin."

Jin: "Thank you Master" as he bows

Master Baytes: "Now get out of here!"

<wobble wobble wobble>

Jin, still surrounded, preparing his penguin stance, suddenly realizes he went to the wrong flashback.

Jin, "damn...I actually need to think back when...

<wobble wobble wobble>

Jin's old master had been following his least skilled student. Feeling guilty for not providing him with proper training he has kept a distant eye on his former student..........with Master Baytes on Uranus there is a new hope for our duo and perhaps Jin can complete his training. Master Baytes enters to help Jin and Aaron battle Dehoven's assassins.

Jin: Master Baytes?

Master Baytes: Behind ya Jin ! ! !

Jin executes an inside knife edge to the throat of an assassin.

Aaron: Come on you two. There's to many to fight ! ! !

Aaron holds the exit door of the cell block while Jin and Master Baytes exit. Aaron locks the door between them and the assassins.

Aaron: That should hold them for a while. Let's go.

Master Baytes: Jin your way out of your league here. Lets get off this planet now.

Jin: We have to get Jasmine.

Aaron: Hurry up ! ! ! Dehoven took Jasmine this way.

The trio begin to search the catacombs of Uranus.

Master Baytes: Jin, you still have your mothers waddle. How am I going to train you?

Aaron: It smells in this place.

Master Baytes: Uranus isn't suppose to smell like roses.

At that moment a sqaud of guards turn on a microwave weapon to stop the trio. With the machine on the aged Master Baytes falls to the ground dying of what appears to be a stroke.

Aaron: Get back ! ! !

Jin: Master..........

Jin becomes dis-orientated and starts to vomit and looses control of his bowels from the effects of the microwave device. With Aaron safe behind a rock the guards turn off the weapon to see who was out there.
Aaron waits for them. While behind the rock deep inside Uranus Aaron gets his powers back. He begins to harden into the shape of the surronding rock hiding himself from the guards. With the guards checking on Jin and Master Baytes. Aaron starts to roll quickly towards the guards................

...knocking a few of them down like bowling pins (with the accompanying sound effect).  Aaron stands at full height and engages the remaining guard in hand to hand.   We see, just for a split second, all this same action taking place on the Big Boss's TV screen.  Apparently he's watching from an undisclosed location.

Aaron punches down the guard; it mutters something about not allowing anything that hard in Uranus before it dies.  Jin comes to and  they both run to their former Master.

Master Baytes, chocking, making an over the top dramatic death scene, mutters, "....promise...promise me you will train the boy..."

Aaron and Jin look at each other; they are rather confused...

Master Baytes, "I mea...mean...<cough cough> ....here....take this" as he hands them another piece of the map.  Master Baytes slumps over and closes his eyes, passing into the netherworld.  His body disappears.

Aaron, "we'll miss you Master"

Jin has finally deduced that Aaron is back after having been shot, "dude, like whoa!  Didn't you die?!"

Aaron, "hahaha that was a rock decoy"

Jin, "huh?"

Aaron, "look...it's right here in the script" as he points to it on page 37.

Jin, "oh ...ok" and they toss the script to the side.

Aaron notices movement from one of the guards.  One is finally coming to.  Aaron quickly grabs him, slaps him around, "where did they take Jasmine?!"  ...no answer.  Aaron slaps him some more.

Jin, "like, dude, you better tell us, like, totally"

Guard, "ok ok...they took her to the depot...back on Mars..." but suddenly, the guard is hit with a mysterious dart, which is probably supposed to kill him, however it just stings him a little bit, "ouch...wtf was that?"

Jin and Aaron, "I dunno" and they leave the guard and head down the long corridor of Uranus.

Jin, "so let's check out that map"

Aaron opens the map, which depicts a reddish desert with a big blue X among a series of canals...

Jin: Aaron, this red map must be a map of Mars and that blue X must mean something.

Aaron: You think so?

Jin: Yes, but I'm not sure I can go on after what Master Baytes did. It's my fault. I should be dead now and I thought you were also dead according to page 37 in the script. People are dying.

Aaron: Jin, he's in a better place now. It was unfortunate that Master Baytes died of a stroke because of the wave device, but we must move on. What about Jasmine?

Jin: Your right Aaron. Jasmine means a lot to me and my love for her has no bounds. I will do anything for her.....Thanks Aaron for everything..............Oh Aaron, let me hang onto the map because you might not even be here right now according to the script.

Aaron: Ok, if it will make you feel better.

Back down the corridor Master Baytes re-appears from the neatherworld and slaps the guard around some more. Then he spanks the guard and then makes him squeal like a pig till the guard gives him the location of Crigta.

Guard Melvin, looking the ghost of Master Baytes right in the ghostly eye, "no...that's not true...it's impossible!  You died of a stroke!"

Ghostly Master Baytes: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true" as he clenches his ghostly fist, "I've had many strokes and I beat them all!"

Guard Melvin, "but...but...I'll die if I tell you..."

Ghostly Master Baytes: "ok...we'll have to do this the hard way"  as he starts to swirl around the guard in a ghastly smoke.  The spectral Master Baytes possesses the guard, deep in corridors of Uranus.   

He adjusts his guard jacket and heads towards the control room to do a little recon; he swears to his ghostly self that he'll find out where this Critga dwells...

Meanwhile...Aaron and Jin find themselves stumbling into a damp ugly garage.  In the garage, they search the wreckage for some usable transportation. 

Aaron, "look at all this junk!"

Jin, "yeah looks like someone's wrecked 'em"

Eventually, they find a small rusty-brown ship that actually works, which they use to blast out of Uranus with a huge explosion.   Here they meet the ship's female android with advanced AI, who calls herself Celest.  They become friends during the long voyage.

They fly for a few days and eventually see the Martian landscape in the viewport.

Celest, "wow this place looks surreal"

Jin, "it's the strangest thing I've come across since Uranus"

Aaron, "look over there!"

Meanwhile Lord Brando and Volga are monitoring the "nuclear devices" that were really just tracking life monitor devices to protect Jin and Aaron on Uranus. With the signal showing no vital signs Lord Brando and Volga begin to desend to the surface with heavy heavy anti-aircraft fire as they come in.

Lord Brando: Volga, it wasn't Jin's destiny to die in Uranus. We must go down and get him.

Volga: He's gone Lord.

Lord Brando: Captain Ngyen dispatch the Doomtroopers.

Captain Ngyen: Yes Lord.

The Doomtroopers once on the ground head straight towards Crigta's Mircowave guns. Manned by Dehovens Clowns from Downtown. The Doomtroopers heavy synthetic armor stop the heat fired from Crigta's infantry weapons.

Captain Ngyen: The enemy is on the run.

Lord Brando: Captain have the Cambodian guard ready we will use the entrance at the base of the mountain.

Captain Ngyen: Yes Lord.

Volga: Crigta commands The Horde Of The Dead.

Lord Brando talking into his recorder.

Lord Brando: What is death?

With Lord Brando's personal guard the Cambodian Army they enter the labyrinth of tunnels taking Brando and Volga into the depts of the planet.

They blast their way into the depths of the corridors.  The Cambodians easily have the red guards on the run.  About this time, Possessed Guard Melvin enters the main control room, just as the blast doors are shut.

Alarms are ringing and several of the camera monitors have been destroyed.  One of the lead guards is in a panick and decides to punch up the Big Boss's number.  A shadowy hand appears on the screen.

Big Boss, in a snarling nasty voice, "what is it captain?"

Captain Dewy: "we're under attack sir"

Big Boss, "Who dares attack Uranus?! Who dares defile the Temple of Critga"

Captain Dewy: "We think it's your long lost broth..."

Big Boss cuts him off with a scream, "NEVER SPEAK HIS NAME!"

Suddenly Captain Dewy is engulfed in flames!

Big Boss, "Lt Midway ...you are in command now.  Order your troops to evacuate and meet us at Critga's domain on Europa...but becareful near Jupiter."

Lt Midway: "what's near Jupiter?"

Big Boss: "The Jovian Jello Jauggernauts - stay clear of them...you've been warned"

Possessed Guard Melvin smiles at the new information and leaves Melvin's body just as the blast doors are rammed in, falling over on Melvin and Midway, killing them instantly. 

Cambodians storm the room, guns-a-blazing!  After the carnage lets up, Darth Brando enters the room with Volga at his side.  He addresses the barely living guards that remain, "ok...where is this Critga!?"

A bloody guard, "sorry sir...your villain is in another castle" and then he croaks.  Ghostly Master Baytes jumps into the Cambodian Captain's body and hitches a ride as everyone heads back to the ship.

While heading back to the ship Lord Brando and his armies stop for dinner near the landing site. The ships cooks come out with only the very best. A creole blend of Venetian and Earth dishes that are out of site. The meal is devoured by the happy camp of Doomtroopers and Lord Brando's personal guard.

Lord Brando: Compliments to the chef garcon.

Waiter: Thank You Lord.

Volga: We couldn't find Jin. Only the body of Aaron.

Lord Brando: Give Aaron a proper burial and see to it his mother gets her milk.

While the sun sets over the jagged mountain ridges of Uranus. Brando records some thoughts of the day.

Lord Brando: I remember picking dandalions in the backyard. We would make dandylion juice. Oh, how I loved that...............that reminds me of warm summer days playing cowboys and indians.................castles?
Now what did that young fellow mean by castles? The planet is now ours and I must see the castles.

The troops loved the words of their Lord as always holding him close to their hearts. Soon the sun would set behind the range and the good Lord and his armies boarded the ships for the night and rested for their morning castle search.

Lord Brando: Volga, if we find a nice castle can we stay? Never had a castle......

Volga smiles tenderly towards Lord Brando as two life long loves could only do.

Volga: A castle would be fine my Lord.

Chapter 3.57231: Mons Olympus

meanwhile...

Jin and Aaron finally wake up ...they find themselves laying face down in some sand dunes, lost somewhere in the vast red desert.   They crash landed somehow...neither of them remember what happened.  They were thrown from the ship luckily as pieces of the vehicle are strewn about.

Aaron, spitting out some sand, "damn m# f#ng desert!"

Jin, "like, bogus!"

Aaron, "let's search the remains of that piece of $h!t wreckage and see if there's anything useful"

Jin, "gnarly"

Jin: Where did you go Aaron

Aaron: I'm over hear.

Jin: What?

About 50 yards away Aaron is seen waving to Jin.

Aaron: I'm over hear ! Look what I found !

Jin runs over to Aaron and they find a women wearing pajamas, a red blanket, and holding a spatula.

Jin: Who are you?

Poogie: My name is Poogie and I'm from California.

Jin: So am I...........From L.A.

Poogie: I know you just came from Uranus.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: She means the planet.

Jin: Oh, ok.

Poogie: Oh, ok what?

Jin: I was just talking to Aaron.........Poogie this is Aaron.

Poogie doesn't see anything except Jin's hand extended.

Poogie: Jin, Aaron is dead. I've read the script.

Jin: Was afraid of that.

Aaron whispers to Jin.

Aaron: She's obviously working for Crigta.

Jin pinches Aaron

Aaron: Ouch ! ! !............What'd you do that for?

Aaron punches Jin

Jin: For a while.

Aaron: ha ha....your stupid jokes

Jin: Just making sure she's lying.

Aaron: Cool.

Jin and Aaron start walking the surface of the red planet and Poogie follows .

Poogie: I have to delete my last post ! ! ! Can you help me?

Aaron: This cat's crazy.

Jin: You'll have to go to Uranus to delete your last post.

Jin and Aaron start cracking up rolling in the red soil.

Poogie: Take me to Lord Brando ! Now ! ! !

Jin and Aaron look at each other......................

Poogie: "How did I get in these Martha Stewart pajamas and what's with this fly swatter thing? And where the heck am I ? Is this a dream ? I found this old script at the swap meet and read part of it and fell asleep and waaaalllllllaaaaa, I'm here. And why do I  want to see Lord Brando ? There's something about a post I'm suppose to get rid of." I'm going back to sleep, wake me when you need me to kill some bugs or something." She lays down slowly and falls asleep, hanging on to her fly swatter thing and blanket, mumbling, "suuuppperrrr poooorcuuuupiiine ommmelet....I have to make the porcupine omelet."

Jin and Aaron pick up the red blanket that Poogie had left in the sand. The red blanket that Poogie was holding was not a blanket at all, but rather a straight-jacket.

Jin: What's this?

Aaron: Looks like a staight-jacket.

Jin: We'll put her in the staight-jacket for now and we'll take her to Lord Brando and see what he has to say, but first we must find Jasmine.

Aaron: What about the blue X?

Jin: We can look around, but I'm not joking when I say I don't know what it means.

With Poogie in her red straight-jacket and in tow Jin and Aaron head in the direction of the blue X on the map.

Poogie: You better let me go. I have to get to Brando. My husband is probably waiting for dinner. Your lucky my husbands not here.

Jin and Aaron put some loose cloth in their ears to block the noise coming from their new companion. When suddenly they find a dirt road.

Aaron: Jin, a dirt road.

Jin: Which way should we go?

Pointing towards the sun.

Aaron: This way.

After miles of walking and low on vacuumed water they see a structure in the distance...............Back on Uranus Volga approaches Lord Brando

Volga: Lord Brando, this Poogie ended up on Mars.

Lord Brando: Well.....at least she's here to undo what she has done. Imagine messing with the matrix like that. She has deleted her entry on the other side, but it hasn't been deleted here and the matrix can only be accessed and changed by the one who made the entry. Strictly a security function of the matrix.

Volga: Why? what has she done?

Lord Brando: Because of her it will be the moose's breeding season forever.

Volga: That will be an advantage to Crigta.

Lord Brando: If you want to call it that. It will be chaos my love.

Aaron, Jin, Celest, and Poogie pick up the pace as they see the first sign of civilization since they arrived.

Jin: "what could it be?"

Aaron, "looks like a boathouse"

Poogie and Jin, "a boathouse?"

Aaron, "yeah...which means there has to be water"

Poogie, "hey how come it's hot here anyway?  I thought Mars was supposed to be very cold?!"

Aaron and Jin shrug and they head on into the boathouse.  Once inside, they see a plethora of docks that once housed small skiff house-boats that sailed through the Martian Canals.  Most of the docks are damaged or decayed...long since abandoned, but one ship seems to be in good order.

Celest just kinda stands there.

Jin, "let's go!"

They hop into the boat and start heading down the canal, but little did they realize...

Little did they realise that Celest was just standing there.

Aaron: Jin.......look

Jin: That's Celest !

Celest makes a big sucking sound which is how they say "hello" on her home planet. Poogie attempts a return greeting in the same manner.

Jin: What was that?

Poogie: I was just being friendly.

Jin: Don't worry she's on our side........Celest where's Jasmine?

Celest points to a water cavern and the group all get into the skiff house-boat

Jin: Aaron, I don't think I want to take Poogie to Uranus after what Lord Brando did to us, but I seem to be draw towards him. He's like a distant light in the dark.

Poogie: Brando didn't inject you with nukes. They were just some kind of monitors.

Jin: Aaron, I think she works for Crigta.

Aaron: Told ya.

Jin: We're not going to Uranus. Besides we don't have anyway of getting there.

While Jin and his company sail towards the water cavern Lord Brando is running into problems.

Volga: Lord Brando I've just been told by the crew that there is a plumbing problem in the troops quarters.. Henry couldn't make the trip and is still on Venus with the tools.

With the recorder already on.......

Lord Brando: It's morning and I'm in the middle of pancake soup.  Spongy little cakes swimming in dark maple syrup.

From under the breakfast canopy Lord Brando motions to the ships stable keeper to put the horses back in the shade.

Lord Brando: We're without a plumber? I'll take care of it myself.

Lord Brando heads back into the ship for his personal tool box. While some of the curious Cambodian Guard follow. Finding a water break in one of the Doomtroopers bathrooms....he gets to work.

Lord Brando: Ah, this is easy. I take care of it in a jiffy. You guys get out the mops !

As a couple Doomtroopers get the mops Lord Brando cuts and threads some new pipe and gets it together. The Doomtroopers and a few Cambodian Guardsmen in the bathroom watching start to celebrate.

Brando: Did everyone get pancake soup. It's delicious.

In a native tongue

Cambodian Guardsmen: Are we still looking for castles today?

Brando answers in the Guardsmens native tongue.

Brando: Yes, have you ever seen a castle? Back on Earth long ago they were plentiful. Impressive structures. They didn't have forks....................................

While Lord Brando headed back outside he spoke at length on the history of medieval Europe.

Meanwhile back on Mars Jin and his company enter the water cave.................

...it's a murky cave...Aaron, Jin, and company head down the canal in a little steam boat.  They all join in on a verse of "row row row your boat" until the waters of the canal pick up the pace...

Aaron, "$h!t, this b!tch is movin'"

Jin, "yes...it leads to the Oracle..."

Aaron, "wtf you talkin' about?"

Jin shakes his head, "I mean...uh..., like..., um...totally"

Jin looks around and notices that Celest has discovered a crate.  They approach.  Aaron looks at the label on the crate, "From Antarctica"

Jin, "well...

Getting closer to the crate they smell something sweet. The steamboat paddles start to slow down with the paddles getting clogged with a sticky substance. The steamboat just feet from the landing point were the crate is within the cave. Jumping into the sticky waters Celest opens the large crate to find four penguins holding and ready to serve pancakes.

Jin: Whoa ?

Poogie: Let's eat ! ! !

Aaron: I haven't the appetite.

Back on Uranus Brando finishes his pancake soup and singing his favorite song.

Lord Brando: Animal crackers in my soup.........loopty loop.

With the crate being used as a table. The penguins scoop up some of the sticky liquid from the sweet waters while our gang on Mars sits down to a nice pancake meal. When suddenly a voice from the caverns

Lord Brando: Wakey wakey.

Startled. Jin, Poogie, and even Celeste look around with pancakes in their mouths.

Lord Brando: Continue eating my friends. I'm sending an escort to Mars to pick you up and bring you back to Uranus. It seems that Poogie has messed up the solar plumbing as well as the hormones of moose everywhere. Lord only knows what will go wrong next. Your escort ship with be along shortly.

With that our party of four finish their pancakes and head back to the surface for the rendezvous.

Poogie: Those were good pancakes.

Thinking of Jasmine and the oracle. Jin begins to think of a way out because he also doesn't want to return to Lord Brando.....................

Jin, talking to Celest, "can you hotwire this shuttle?"

Celest in monotone, "Affirmative"

Aaron, "then get to it"

Celest enters the small, orange shaped orange of an orange-looking shuttle craft.

Poogie: "hmmm looks kinda orange"

Celest, in monotome, "Task Complete Captain"

They all board the craft, shut the door, and they pull the big orange switch.  The craft launches from the martain desert, out of the atmosphere, past Phobos, and up into deep space.

Aaron approaches the computer and controls, "damn...it's all orange!"  After a few minutes he figures out the monitor controls.

Jin, "like...where we headin now dude?"

Aaron, "looks like we're heading back to Earth"

Everyone cheers as they are getting rather homesick!  Well...everyone except Aaron.

Jin, "Aaron what's wrong?"

Aaron, "um...ok...this is bad...

Poogie, "what? what could it be?  ...where are we going?"

Jin takes a look, "oh God no!  anywhere but there!"

Poogie, "WHERE?!"

Aaron swallows hard, "looks like we're heading to Cleveland, Ohio"

Poogie, looking rather worried, "Celest...can you change course?!"

Celest, "Negative"

Poogie utters some explicit deleted words and then frowns.

Finally, the ship enters orbit and they land on the outside skirts of Cleveland.  They feel the slight mist of high mercury content rust water from Lake Erie as they choke from the dirty air.

Aaron, "where to now?"

Jin, "where else?  the Bar!"


.......................................................

Two hours later... in some bar in Cleveland...

In a drunken stupor and dreaming of Jasmines warm embrace. When abruptly Jin is awakened by Drew Carey. Looking around he then sees 100's of Drew Carey clones running the streets and knows it's the work of Lord Brando. Heading over to the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Jin grabs a real guitar and blows away every Drew Carey clone in Cleveland.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: What'd you do that for?

Jin: For a while....

Aaron: That's funny Jin.

Jin: I never liked Drew Carey..........Drives me crazy.

Poogie looking at Jin.

Poogie: Who you talking to?............. I want to go home !

Suddenly in the sky seven ships are approaching Cleveland, Ohio.................

...meanwhile...

Lord Brando sits in his chambers alone, studying alien artwork.  An officer comes in to inform him they've arrived in Ohio air space and they are hovering above Cleveland.

Brando: "yes yes...I recognize the stench...now leave me"

After the ensign leaves and the doors shut, Brando continues with his song he was singing before...

"I saw the little wench sitting there on the log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda, Y-o-d-a, Yoda.
I asked him where I could find my love and he pointed this way and in a raspy voice he said a-Volga, V-o-l-g-a, Volga, vol-vol-vol va-volg-aaaa!"

Volga comes in, but with a backing band and a group of dancers ...and they all join in the song....

Lord Brando: Volga could you ask that officer to come back in. I was just reciting some lines from a movie I once turned down. If you could just ask him back in so I could apologize.

Volga: Yes my Lord.

Lord Brando: Thank you my love.

Officer returns to the room.

Lord Brando: Please sit. I must apologize as I was just thinking about some old lines of a script I once had when you walked in. Have some snacks because Volga just brought the band in and we are singing a little tune.

A second officer comes in and informs everyone they are approaching Cleveland.

Lord Brando: Ah yes....Volga be sure to bring the ruby slippers. Lets find Jin and Poogie. We have things to do.

Officer: Where should we land?

Lord Brando: At the airport of course. Where's Captain Nguyen?

The starship lands at Cleveland Hopkins International Airport while the others ships hover.....................

Following the ships, Jin, Aaron, Poogie, and Celeste run to the airport to find Brando, Volga and Nguyen/Baytes in the terminal, surrounded by Cambodians.

Aaron: Aww, s**t!

Jin: No!

Celeste: I am to assume these are threats?

Self-preservation mode, celeste disappears in a staticy screen

Brando: Jin? Aaron? But both of you are dead!

Aaron: He must have found my rock double

Jin: And the aardvark took those bombs... or trackers... or whatever crazy s**t you put in us!

Aaron: So this means we could have stayed put and he might not have chased us anymore?

Jin: Does this mean we've been shanghaied again? This is just like a damn chapter play!

Brando: You don't understand the importance of this event! I will stop Crigta's rise by any means necessary!

Jin: Really? Was there any better way than forcible explosive (http://www.moviedeaths.com/images/icons/explosion.gif) self-sacrifice(http://www.moviedeaths.com/images/icons/self_sacrifice.gif)?

Brando: No! And now we've wasted valuable time. You didn't even pick up the weapon on mars did you?

Jin & Aaron gasp. Celeste reactivates, gasps, and deactivates again. Poogie zones out and "Huh?"s.

Nguyen/Baytes: You didn't? I gave you the map and everything!

Brando: Nguyen?

Jin and Aaron: Mas- (Cover eachother's mouths)

Poogie: Oh, Baytes? Jack Baytes?

Nguyen/Baytes: Poogie?

Celeste: (Reactivates) Jack Baytes, born-

Nguyen/Baytes: Refresh!

Celeste: (virtual brainfart)

An awkward pause among all parties

Brando: ...<Capture them!>

The Cambodians run into action, pursuing our heroes (sans Baytes) who dash back to the bar

Jin: Volga, come with us!

Volga sadly stays, wondering if she is doing the right thing. Volga, and Brando are left alone

Volga: Lord Brando, should we really be forcing them into this?

Brando begins to speak, only to notice Nguyen/Baytes still stands by them

Brando: No! damn you, get Captain Nguyen too! D'Oh... So I see you do not die easily. I expected you would not perish in such a minor altercation. Why do we fight on opposite sides? Do you not see the power we could have once we have the Big Boss out of our way?

Nguyen/Baytes: As basic as this goal is for both of us, we do not go about it in the same ways. If you do succeed in stopping Crigta and your brother then-

Brando: He... is not... MY BROTHER, ANYMORE!

Nguyen/Baytes: How naive, and out of the mouth of the great Darth Brando nonetheless...

Brando: I want Nguyen's body back you treacherous thing!

Brando, Volga, and Baytes all strike battle position. Cut to our heroes running down the street, chased by Brando's army

Poogie: So once we give these guys the slip, what next? Will I be able to delete my post?

Jin: Will the shuttle work again?

Celeste: Affirmative.

Jin: Then we head back to Mars and try to find that weapon, then we find Jasmine and the others!

They all dash back into the bar, where they find...

.........where they find Jasmine with a strange weapon.

Jin: Jasmine?

Jasmine: Has it been that long Jin? Quick into the bathroom everyone.

Once inside the bathroom they find the pipes are broken and water gushing everywhere. Jasmine flushes from a stall and suddenly they are back inside Uranus.

Jasmine: This is what we're going to do. Kill Crigta and the Boss. Remember all of their forces are in tact and the moose population is rapidly growing on the surface. Oh....and be sure to watch your step it seems that the plumbing is backed up down here.

Jin: Why are we here doing this. We should be hiding out in L.A.

Jasmine: Jin does the girl still have the spatula?

Poogie: It's inside my jacket.

Jasmine: Unwrap her Jin. What's that all about?

Jin: She works for Crigta.

Jasmine: Lord Brando showed me the future and she was to bring the spatula.

Jin: Brando ! ! !

Jasmine: He is the Messiah of the Universe.

Jin not knowing where to turn next unwraps Poogies red straight jacket revealing a golden spatula.

Poogie: I've got a new stove at home and some replacement is baking cookies for my hubby Dennis. I must get home.

Jasmine: Don't worry honey. Lord Brando will be along shortly as soon as he takes care of Master Baytes.

Jin: Master Baytes will defeat Brando with one hand tied behind his back.

Jasmine: Jin, you don't even know what your talking about. Lord Brando is helping you even now.

Jin: Can I at least have a kiss?

With a smile Jasmine responds

Jasmine: You'll just have to ask Celeste.

Meanwhile The Horde Of The Dead are running through the corridors of Uranus due to the plumbing and the resulting flooding within the planet...............

A company of Cambodians sits around a table, discussing their understandable, obsessive worries with the legion of the dead growing bigger every moment. Unknown to them, a figure watches from the shadows, The Jackal grows ever closer with a sniper rifle in his hands. But someone is watching him as well, just before he shoots...

Figure in shadows (whisper): No. I'll kill them, I will make my presence known.

Jackal: Why?

FiS: Because, I will hunt Jin and Aaron to the grave... and beyond.

Jackal: Wow... Don't tell Bunji you're doing that OK? He might disapprove on principle

FiS: Let him know, let him come. There is only one thing that can truly kill me, and when it did I rose back up. They have no chance now that the dead cannot die.

Back inside one of the tunnels, Jin looks at Celeste oddly, thinking she might have the hots for him. Aaron looks suspicious at Jasmine.

Aaron: Wait just a damn second, why are we back on Uranus, we checked and Crigta isn't here! And how did you get away anyway?

Jasmine: More of Brando's help, I was being taken to Europa by the FBI man...

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Jasmine and Celina are outside their cells, watched by Dehoven, Dosu, and Dale, when suddenly, Jasmine jumps on top of the table!
Jasmine (singing): We're not gonna take it!

Celina, Robot, Decapodian, and beast: NO!

Jasmine: We ain't gonna take it! We're not gonna take it, anymore!

Guitar riff out of nowhere!

Jasmine tears off her clothes revealing messy punk garb and continues the song

Dale: It looks like a rebellion... RUN AWAY!

Dehoven: What is this? Sinners! Kinuta, stop them!

Dosu swings his melody arm forward, generating a sound wave that makes Jasmine puke, Celina hock slime, the robot short circuit, the Decapodian wave his mouthflaps wildy, and the beast thingie to whimper and fall.

Jasmine: I was sure that would work...

Dehoven: Good, we begin the matter of their punishment now...

Cue Darth Brando and a platoon of Cambodians, forcibly docking and entering the ship. Dale screams "Marlon Brando, I knew it!" and runs away again as they approach the cafeteria room and engage the trio. Brando performs a series of impressive martial arts on Dehoven and knocks him to the floor while the Cambodians subdue the sound-ninja.

Brando: You lose, Dehoven. But I choose to spare your wicked life on the grounds that you stand for something, something that I too stand for. However your methods are those of terror and destruction... I warn you that if you ever attempt this evil again I will not hesitate to end your life with the full amount of my power.

Brando's platoon beheads Dosu and breaks the would-be sacrifices out of their cells while Brando takes Jasmine with him.

Jasmine: Who are you?

Brando begins to answer as he boards his ship again, and blasts off. Dale then sticks his head out from the closet

Dale: Paaathetic.

BACK TO REALITY <wobble/wobble>

Jasmine: I stayed when I heard what Brando was doing, I knew I had to help to stop this Crigta

Aaron: So they're free, why do we need to even go through this again?

Jasmine: That is why we are on Uranus now and not Jupiter, once Jupiter's "Crigta Pit" revolves to face us, we fire a nuclear warhead into it. If our plan works, Jupier will oveload and create a temporary black hole that will take Big Boss's base on Europa with it.

Jin: So we just kill Jupiter and be done with it then? In that case why the urgency?

Jasmine: You notice the dead rising? That is a result of Crigta's rage at not being resurrected, if it continues it will spread to the flora and fauna of Jupiter, into the "jelly juggernauts". And that is not good at all, we only have one warhead and if we are too late then we will have to use it on the combined jelly monster. And chances are good that we will be too late if we can't get through the dead and whatever remains of Big Boss's minions. Not to mention the floods...

Jin: What if we are too late?

Jasmine: Then... THE DEAD WILL CONQUER EARTH! (dum-dum-dummmm!)

Poogie: (Gasp!)

Inside Brando's ship, Nguyen/Baytes is being kept prisoner, while Brando muses

Brando: Crigta grows restless, the dead are beginning to rise all over, Uranus, Venus... EARTH! The weapon is no longer on Mars, so we have no way of beating him should they find some alternate way of awakening him. And if he awakens then...

Nguyen/Baytes: Then he will take over the world instead of you? Heaven help us.

Brando: Yes... A shame you will never understand why I must control Earth, you are truly the naive one.

Brando's Navigator: We will reach Europa soon, are you quite ready?

Brando nods his head. But meanwhile back in Brando's Uranus base, the Cambodian soldiers are all dead... of roundhouse-kick related injuries

Jin, Celeste, Aaron, and Jasmine find themselves lost in the deep dank bowels of Uranus; they find themselves stuck in a small hub of a room, with corridors extending in all directions.

Celeste: "I sense movement from the west"

Aaron takes a look, noticing a few shambling beings with glowing blue eyes.  The rest rush over and they can see a few undead walking into the light, moving rather slowly.

Jin, "Oh my god dudes!  They're disco zombies!"

And Jin was right ...a few more zombies lurk into the light, displaying their disco attire...one zombie has an overload of gold chains and an open; another walking corpse has a huge afro, bell bottoms, and huge platform shoes; and one of the others has Sideburns From Hell(TM) and an outfit that burns Aaron's eyes upon first sight!

Aaron, shielding his eyes, "ahaahaahaaargh my eyes!"

Suddenly, the disco zombies totally surround our heroes.

Jasmine, "well...there's only one thing left to do..."

Jasmine aims the new weapon she picked up from Mars at Lord Brando's request.

Jin: "Now, I was meaning to ask you about that. What kind of weapon is that?"

Jasmine smiling

Jasmine: "These Zombies just want to eat our brains and disco. Naturally you wouldn't have to worry about that Jin, but I'll tell you this.........they are not eating my brains !

Aaron: "Jin, that's a soul-cracker. It will destroy the soul."

Jin: "Aren't Zombies just awakened by neurological stimuli? The non-living?"

Aaron: "No, sub-consously we all want to eat brains. Nobody ever dies. That is unless your soul has been cracked."

With the disco-zombies almost on top of them Jasime fires away. dropping each in their tracks.

Poogie: "Nice shooting Tex."

Jasmine: "I call it the Blue X."

With the disco-zombies dead they set out for Crigta and the Boss. Meanwhile Lord Brando is grieving the loss of the Cambodian Guard knowing they will rise again in due time, but on who's side?...................

...elsewhere in Uranus....

Lackies surround the Evil Table(TM)...Big Boss's big hand comes into camera view, slamming his fist into a computer terminal!

Big Boss: "damn those disco zombies..."

Flathead Lacky complains, "man...we got ripped on those..." before cutting himself off, knowing full well to never pass judgement on the big boss.

Ol' 3 Arm looks at Flathead and shakes his head as Big Boss hits a big red button, opening a pit below Flathead, dropping him into the pits of Uranus.

Big Boss: "No one questions me!"

Ol' 3 Arm: "I have an idea that might help...if I may ask the boss for permission to summon 'The Mighty Fist' if it so pleases the lord"

Big Boss: "3 Arm, I don't know which is the bigger mystery - how you keep coming back to life after I off ya or why you keep coming back!"

Ol' 3 Arm, "if it pleases the lord..."

Big Boss: "yeah yeah...Critga commands it; I have seen the visions!  Let it be done!"

The lacky table watches the monitor while Ol' 3 Arm activates his pan-dimensional transportation device from the umbral world.  On the monitor, we can clearly see our heroes diving through some kind of mess hall, searching for something to eat.

Lackie Wimp-lo drops some amps, and starts bounces up and down making stupid faces, "du-hooo ...they sittin ducks now bosss huh boss huh boss huh?!"

Back to the kitchen...our heroes are diving through the mess hall kitchen quarters, snatching up foods of all kinds, including peanut butter celery sticks, frosted flakes, and pineapples, tons of pineapples.

Suddenly, a huge blue arm appears in mid air right in front of Jin!

Jin, "like...whoa man dude wow!"

and it punches Jin square in the jaw with a sloppy haymaker...but Jin was too slow.  The arm turns and slaps Aaron in the face before he knows what's going on.  Celeste jumps over and grabs the hand and tries to shake it...but it's no use; the blue arm gives Celeste an Irish Whip over where its shoulder would be if it had one.

Aaron gets p**sed, "aa'ight this mo <bleep> <bleep> is <bleep> going <bleep> down mutha <bleep>" and he jumps up, grabs it, and puts it in an arm bar.  Finally it submits, but it's a total fake-out.  Once free, it snaps its fingers and every hears scurrying all of the sudden.

Jasmine: "Oh no...that better not be rats!  I <bleep> hate rats!"

The scurrying gets louder and louder before the cupboards, drawers, and even the oven doors burst open with an army of hands.  Jin screams like a little girl in horror; Aaron is stunned in silence; Poogie is looking for her post; the blue arm flexes once before flipping them off; Celeste doesn't give a <bleep> because she's a machine; and Jasmine is laughing her ass off at the whole affair.

Before anyone can react, several hands lunge at Jin of course, because he's the annoying main character.  Three hands b***hslap him over a table, crashing dishes and silverware all over the floor.  Aaron gets in a battle of hand to hand strength with two of the hands but too many more gang up on him, slowly dragging him down on the floor. 

Celest is completely covered from head to toe in hands but she just stands there not caring at all.  Poogie asks for a hand located that post but none of the hands seem to address her concerns.   We see close-up shots of Aaron wrestling with one hand or another with quick clip cuts of Jin getting smacked in the face.  Jasmine stumbles in front of the camera for a moment, showing that she's getting choked out.  Suddenly, Master Baytes stumbles into the room, getting decked over and over by two very fast-punching fists!

Jin, piecing together phrases between each pummel, "look...arggg....it's ahhhhhh...Master Baytes with...aggggh... the fists of fury!"

But it appears Master Baytes lays the smack down on the flying fists ...he has tamed them...they are now under his control, flying around creating a sort of force field.

Master Baytes with Fists of Fury: "I'm back Jin ...I'm back for more!" as Michael Jackson's "Beat it" plays in the background!

Poogie, searching through the blue arm's luggage, finds something else entirely other than the lost post; she discovers a big black robe...on this big black robe is a big red hand...

Master Baytes approaches Poogie.

Master Baytes: "Excuse me, but that belongs to me."

Picking up the red hand Master Baytes beats it (dematerializes).

Jin: Where did Master Baytes go?

Jasmine: "Lord Brando sent him to help."

Jin: "What?"

Jasmine: "Because we needed a hand."

Poogie begins talking to herself.

Poogie: "Well, at least I got a black robe from all of this. I think it will fit Dennis. Now if only I could figure out how to eliminate my last post."

Jin and Aaron start laughing and rolling in waste material that has filled the tunnel floors. Strangely Aaron doesn't get messy. Suddenly Lord Brando enters by himself from beyond the matrix.

Lord Brando: "Jasmine do you have the golden spatula?"

Jasmine: "Yes my Lord."

Lord Brando: "Ok children. Lets get going."

Jin: "I'm not going anywhere with you."

Lord Brando: "Listen Jin, let me tell you a little story................................."

The cavern is quite as Lord Brando brings Jin the message of the ages. Will Jin see truth and will they join forces? Will they take on Dehoven, The Clowns From Downtown, The Horde Of The Dead, Crigta, The Boss, and the ever growing Moose population?

Brando: I never wanted you to die Jin, the short countdown was a reflection of your strength, not my distrust.

Jin: BOGUS! No one could have found Crigta in under a half an hour, not even Samus!

Aaron: He wasn't even on Uranus!

Volga: Let him finish!

Brando: Yes, it's time I fill in all the many plotholes.

Brando clears his throat

Brando: Crigta is one of the most powerful beings on this plane, when he comes back to life through the power of five innocent/virgin blood sacrifices he will bring an unstoppable army of the dead back with him. As you can see, he is angry about not being resurrected and is trying to awaken the dead as much as he can despite not being fully himself. As you know, I want to stop him, and so does your sensei, but once he defeats him, or stops his rise, he simply wants the world to go back to what it was. I imagine a world full of peace and unity, where-

Nguyen/Baytes: where all knuckle under your communist control!

Brando: Unlike theirs, my system of rule will work

Jin: But enough about that, where do we fit in?

Brando: When Volga saw Dehoven was after you, and hadn't managed to kill you yet she decided you might be some use to the cause. When she found the werepenguin and the stone man, you can imagine her surprise!

Jin: We're really that popular? Huh, I never heard of us.

Brando: You never read the tabloids The mere fact that you had been trained by Jack Baytes, despite not doing exceptionally well, did much to recommend you. Then, I was brought back on Venus by Volga on your suggestion. Without you I would have still been dead. The first time I saw you I could see a young flair in you, all three of you... Volga especially

Volga blushes

Brando: Then there were you two, I needed to see just how right I was in my first impression. So, I sent you two to the core of Uranus, I didn't know whether or not Crigta was in Uranus or if he was still in Jupiter, but if he was, I'm sure you could be the one to stop him before the chain started. Now I'm afraid it already might have... When I thought you died, I knew I needed the spatula if I wanted to destroy Crigta without you. However, I found the weapon gone, and Baytes without the map. So, if I couldn't destroy Crigta yet, I had to at least delay Big Boss's plan. So then, I rescued the sacrifices and brought them back to their planets. The human one wished to stay.

Jin: Woman of action, that's what I like about you!

Celeste sadly lowers her head

Jin: What about you Celeste? You certainly have stayed with us a long time for an advanced computer graphic with A.I.

Celeste: Jin... you are the nicest driver I have ever had the fortune to come across. You are the best person a pleasure program could ever meet

Jin:...

Celeste hugs Jin

Aaron: Who is the crazy woman tagging along, one of Crigta's goons?

Brando: that, Jin, is Poogie, she is here to delete her post... I think

Jin: So how do we beat Crigta?

Brando: With any luck, we still have time to launch the missile, but I'm afraid we only have... 30 minutes!

Jin: s**t!

Nguyen/Baytes: OK, we all have to fight through this hole to meet up with Brando's platoon, it shouldn't be too hard unless-

Out of nowhere, Nguyen is hit by a kick knocking Baytes out of his body!

Jin: What? Feet this time?

Nguyen: <What? Where are my troops?>

Chuck Norris Zombie: (enter from shadows) Sorry. I'm still a bit tired from my resurrection.

Chuck roundhouse kicks Nguyen again killing him, Baytes falls into Celeste, giving the graphic his image, jin and Aaron prepare to fight only to have Edward Fox Jackal appear from the rafters and Zombie Leon appear from the shadows, pointing their guns at Jasmine and Poogie as Norris rears back and punches Brando in the gut, Brando coughs up blood and falls down.

Volga: Noooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brando: I... wish I had more time... I could have done so much... we could have... together... Volga... you made me smile as I never had before...

A tear down Volga's face

Brando: Jack... we have had our differences in the past... but you hate my former brother the Big Boss as much as I do... When you kill him... I want you to think of me...

Norris cockily roundhouse-kicks the air. Brando beckons for Jin who kneels by his side

Brando: Jin... you were my favorite... even if you still follow Master Baytes' command... I am counting on you...

Darth Brando gives the death rattle and predictably dies. Jin finally feeling for the commander lets out a defieant scream and with all his might, rears back and gives Chuck Norris a fatal roundhouse kick to the face! The force of the blow knocks Chuck's head from his beard, fires it backwards at 50 MPH and clunks Jackal in the gut, knocking him from the air vent to the floor. Volga then proceeds to charge forward and verily split zombie Leon in two with her broadsword!

Jin: Awesome...

Jin gives a sad air guitar tune as he views the carnage around him as Jasmine performs a coup de' etat on the zombies. Aaron picks the Jackal from the floor by the collar.

Aaron: All right you French @$$ mutha-#^@$@, you're coming with us!

As Aaron and the others proceed down the tunnel, Jin and Volga stay behind to pay their respects to Brando

Jin: You weren't so bad yourself, you can bet when I give that Big Boss a face fulla fist I'll be thinking of you

Jin leaves behind the rest

Volga: I'll come back for you, you may have died on this godforsaken rock but you will not be buried here.

Volga simply thinks of Brando, touching his still-warm cheek. More tears flow from her eyes before she sadly trails behind Jin into the depths of Uranus

While our Jin, Volga, Jasmine, Celeste, Aaron, and Master Jack Baytes continue through the tunnels planning to use the missile Lord Brando has provided this band of solar soldiers just in case things go wrong. When suddenly Crigta arrives right in front of them with a company of un-armed troops consisting of Louis Dehoven and the Clowns From Downtown.

Crigta: "Where is Marlon?"

Jin: "Who are you?"

Dehoven: "Stand back. He is Lord Crigta and he wants Brando's body."

Aaron: "Not over our....."

Jin: "Speak for yourself."

Dehoven: "What?"

Jin: "He said "not over our........"

Crigta: "Kill them!"

Master Jack Baytes now in Celeste cyborg body leaps into action taking on Dehoven with a high chop to the forehead which is blocked by a rising block. Devhoven grabbing the wrist and accelerating Baytes momentum from the over head strike. He turns away in a circling motion breaking Baytes balance then turning back into Baytes he levels him with a wicked closeline that makes a loud popping noise from the cupping slap between Baytes throat and Dehovens inner elbow joint. Baytes cyborg body doesn't get up.

Jin attempting to help his master.

Jin: "Take my hand and I'll pull you out."

The cyborg body of Celeste which now holds Master Baytes spirit doesn't move. Jin then pulls the body of Celest to the side and Jasmine fires away with the Soul Cracker missing Crigta.

Volga: "Here they come."

Through the narrow tunnels come the Clowns From Downtown and Jasmine fires away taking out about 20 of them who are then followed by the Horde of the Dead while Crigta and Dehoven stand to the side. Jasmine takes only a few of the horde out. When they are to close to fire upon them. They resort to hand to hand combat.

Jin: "Here I come Jasmine !"

Jin delivers a front kick to one of the nasty horde making it's knees buckle. Then a spinning bottom fist to another. Jasmine reverse punches one to the head. Poogie uses her black robe mimicking a bull fighter when with just one past of the cape towards the advancing horde all the horde vanish leaving only Crigta and Dehoven. 

Jasmine: "Wow !"

Jin: "Woa ! "

Poogie: "Aw....it was nothing."

Jin and Jasmine capture the aging duo of Crigta and Dehoven and they return to recover the body of Lord Brando.

Jin: "Crigta and Dehoven help us carry him."

Just as they are approaching Lord Brando he awakens.

Jin: "Lord Brando your alive."

Volga: "My Lord ?."

Lord Brando: "Yea, I was just taking a nap. I really detest all that fighting."

Aaron: "Detest fighting?"

Lord Brando: "Yes Aaron, it's all right here in my book of napping. Wrote it myself........"

Poogie: "Aaron? Aarons dead."

Lord Brando pointing to the spirit of Aaron.

Lord Brando: "No he's not......... He's right there."

Poogie: "I want to go home!"

Lord Brando: "Keep your pajamas on Poogie............Honey do you have the ruby slippers?"

Volga shows the Ruby Slippers.

Lord Brando: "Good.......Jasmine do you have the golden spatula?"

Jasmine shows the Golden Spatula.

Jin: "What are we going to do with Critga and Dehoven?"

Lord Brando: "Well, that's why I've brought you all here today. Get those chains off those Disco Zombies and chain these two to the rocks over there."

Jin: "You got it."

With Crigta and Dehoven chained to the rocky wall of the tunnel the four girls line up behind the two mortal foes.

Lord Brando: "Jasmine, hand Poogie the spatula please."

Jasmine: "Yes Lord."

Jasmine hands Poogie the Golden Spatula.

Lord Brando: "Poogie this is how you delete the post and get back home. Let the spankings commence!"

Poogie: "Spanking them will get me home?"

Lord Brando: "Yes."

Swinging back like a pro golfer Poogie starts on Dehoven.

Dehoven: "Noooo.....oooo..oooo...ooooo....More !"

Crigta: "My turn !"

Lord Brando: "Don't forget Crigta."

The screams of pain and pleasure sends the right kind of electrical current to awaken Master Baytes who wants to be part of the festivities.

Poogie: "I'm getting tired."

Lord Brando: "Girls take over."

Poogie hands the Golden Spatula to Jasmine and Lord Brando motions for her to approach him with Volga by her side.

Lord Brando: Volga give her the Ruby Slippers.

Volga hands Poogie the Ruby Slippers and she puts them on.

Lord Brando: "Now click your heels together and say "there's no place like home"".

Poogie: "There's no place like home."

Poogie repeats this phrase over and over again while clicking her heels. Crigta and Dehoven screaming all the while.

Lord Brando: "Don't forget to spank Dennis when you get home..........You'll have to buy a new spatula for that stove and those cookies"

Poogie awakens at home with Dennis smiling happily with two Poogies beside him...................

+I am suddenly reminded of a strange, strange, sad, sick, mix of Dracula 3000 and Ghoulies+

Aaron: THIS... b***h is Crigta?

Baytes: Indeed, if my eyes do not deceive me this is Crigta.

Jin: Hey, this guy is supposed to be one of the most powerful creatures on our plane.

Brando: Right, but he needed 5 virgins to properly summon, however, when I rescued the virgin sacrifices, I knew I was faced with an oppurtunity. So I headed back and tried something that just might work!

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Brando finds the Crigta Pit on the surface of Jupiter. He is being chased by the Jelly Juggernauts. Thinking quickly he tricks 3 of them to fall in the pit. The others are smarter. So Brando pulls out a porcupine and an omelette

Brando: Forgive me...

And drops them in

Brando: Super!

UNFLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Brando: Eventually, I suppose the Big Boss was forced to summon Crigta using those in order to stop him from destroying the world with his rage. In his current state Crigta cannot bring his evil to the world, now he can't even summon the dead

Jin: So the dead shall not conquer Earth?

Brando: Neither will the Jelly, nor the mooses, nor the clowns, nor the vampires, nor Wikipe-Tans

Jin: So now all we need to do is get rid of your b-... former brother

Brando: Yes, if you so choose.

Aaron: Only one damn problem!

Jasmine: What?

Aaron:...I'm out of good dialogue...

Celeste/Baytes: There's a problem!

Our protagonists look to find The Jackal shooting Dehoven and Crigta down!

Jackal: What do we do now? We can't very well re-summon Crigta!

Dehoven: Wait! We don't have Crigta's might, but we still have his influence!

Crigta: Influwhat now?

Dehoven: Dammit! D'Oh! no matter, we can cleanse the Earth in other ways, back to the ship and Europa!

Dehoven Crigta and Jackal run out of Uranus and back to the ship, now equipped with a model of an upside-down queen ant on top.

Jackal: Got-dangit Dale!

Dale: Gih!

The ship leaves Uranus for Europa

Celeste/Baytes: OK, we need a plan!

Jasmine: No time, we'll plan in the ship!

Jin and rest escape in Brando's ship, pursuing Crigta's forces

Lord Brando tells the ships crew about Europa.............

Lord Brando: "Back when I was a boy in Omaha, Nebraska my first grade art teacher had us draw pictures of what the future would look like and this is what Europa is. It's a fantastic world full of the latest technology created by the greatest minds, wonderful monuments that stand in remembrance of great things. "

Jin: "It sounds like a great place."

Lord Brando: "In fact it was Jin. They became so advanced because they never developed the wheel. It's the wheel that has keep the earth in the dark ages."

Jin: "What do you mean it was a great place."

Lord Brando: "Europa was taken over by the Jelly Juggernauts. They live by all kinds of rules that hold back it's former guinness. Still a great place for the likes of Master Jack Baytes and his kind."

Master Batyes threatens Lord Brando with his red hand.

Lord Brando: "You see they gain a sick power by being spanked and such. We mearly experiment on them to analyse and to help understand their sickness. Like we did on Uranus. What we are concerned about on Europa is that they have the real Crigta and that 5 virgins are preparing for a future ritual that will unleash the power of Crigta............Now....we only had four women on Uranus and one of them was a cyborg with a man within. It didn't work because it couldn't have worked according to the sacred text."

Jin: "Oh, I see."

Just then a fleet of Jelly Juggernauts started firing on Lord Brando's ship causing even the porcupines to run ramped throughout the vessel.
 
Lord Brando: "Jasmine, do you still have the Golden Spatula?"

Jasmine: "Yes Lord."

Lord Brando: "Volga, can you give me a kiss before we go in."

Volga kisses Lord Brando on the lips which creates a force field around the ship as they pass safely towards the surface of Europa with the enemies firing thousands of Jelly Clusters that perforate the heavens.

Our heroes descend into the strange white-blue atmosphere of Europa...once in they see the most awesome horizon of ice castles and frosty volcanos.

Volga, "My Lord, these fumes...they're strange"

Lord Brando, "your sensory serves you well ...this "moon" was once a star ...a small star ...a big small star that collapsed in on itself and later pulled in by the gravity of the gas giants.

Aaron, "I see"

Jin, "whaooo like, is that why I'm starting to wig out?"

Lord Brando speaks loudly as he manuvers the ship to avoid some Jovian Jelly bombs coming from other ships, "yes...it's another test....a test of spirit and mind"

Jasmine, "this reminds me of the 2060s!"

Baytes-Celest, who seems to be malfunctioning just a bit, with one arm slowly twirling and gyrating, "um...these fumes are doing something to my circuits...I might need a new body soon!"

Jasmine, breaking out a wrench, "I can fix ya ...hold steady"

Jin takes a huge wiff of Europan clouds as the ship dog fights with a few Jovian Jelly Jauggernaut fighter ships.  Jin starts to fade out slowly, overwhelmed by the fumes.  Jin starts to have some sort of vision....

<wobble wobble wobble>

Jin finds himself back in high school...it's a cross between a flashback, a dream, and a hallucination.   Jin is surrounded by fellow high school students who all appear to be in their thirties.  He's in study hall when he turns to his left to see none other than...

*Trying to write around the last post, since I've been working on this one for about an hour*

A randomly-placed 50-something man wearing a light blue suit, tennishoes and a straw hat who begins a story

Kolchak: You know about Europa right? It's a fantastic world full of the latest technology created by the greatest minds, wonderful monuments that stand in remembrance of great things. They became so advanced because they never developed the wheel. It's the wheel that has keep the earth in the dark ages. However, Europa was taken over by the Jelly Juggernauts. They live by all kinds of rules that hold back it's former guinness.

Jin: What are you doing in my class, dude?

Kolchak: Boy, do you know anything about werepenguins?

Jin: Look, nevermind, go back to your first story if you have to

Kolchak: Well, Europa is now ruled by a man known as Big Boss, and if I hear correctly he makes his base camp on the still-unpopulated part of Europa, the rocky surface, Now, werepenguins...

FLASHBACK <wobble/wobble>

Jin: WHOA!

Others: Huh?

Jin: The rocky surface, we need to get to the rocky surface!

Others: Huh?

Jin: I had... a postmonition

THE ROCKY SURFACE OF EUROPA, Dehoven's ship approaches Europa. Francisco Scaramanga waits on the moon's surface, looking into the void.

Scaramanga: Ahh, the darkness, infinite darkness...

Dehoven and co. land and run screaming to the entrance of Big Boss's bunker, at the door, Dehoven and Jackal take out two silver spheres and put them into two reader slots at either side of the door; a confirmation click, and the foursome move forward into Big Boss's throneroom. Big Boss sits at the top, the table of evil still aound him

Dehoven: Big Boss, someone screwed up the Crigta ritual!

Big Boss:....

Dale sidesteps a bit

Dehoven: You see, instead of 5 innocent virgins, they led Crigta's own jelly soldiers into the sacrificial pit, and then some kind of porcupine, omelette combo.

Big Boss: (looking at the even now weaker looking Crigta) ...so... this b***h is Crigta?

Dehoven: You dare insult-

Suddenly Big Boss raises his hand and Dehoven stops, freezes up as if being crushed. He is lifted above the floor and taken up to the boss's level. Big Boss fires Dehoven back in his seat at the table. Dehoven is glad that this is a reasonably small punishment and breathes a sigh of relief. Big Boss raises his hand again and fires The Jackal straight into Dale's body, they both hit the wall next to the other remaining assassins, they both breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, Boss levitates Crigta in the air and points him towards Jupiter

Dehoven: Big... Boss?

Crigta: Wait! What are you doing, I am a major foreign false-

Big Boss cuts Crigta off, firing him at 150 MPH towards Jupiter

JUPITER

Crigta falls back to th surface, creating a very large crater, the Jelly Juggernauts flock to the explosion

Crigta: I shall have my revenge, and you shall all- what are you doing now?

The Jelly Juggernauts are gathering around their former leader and fall on top of him, abosorbing him

Jelly #1: Wait, that couldn't have been him could it?

Jelly #2: ...s**t.

MEANWHILE, BACK ON EUROPA'S SURFACE. Our heroes tread to Big Boss's bunker, finding Scaramanga waiting for them!

Jin: There's one now! Hey, let's see how you like 6-on-1 you bastard!

Scaramanga: Ahh, I have waited a long time for this, now you die, werepenguin, you see Jupiter?

Jupiter is right behind them

Scaramanga: We are on the moon, when Jupiter sets, your penguin will be awakened again, and I shall plant my golden bullet through your heart and feast on the blood of your compatriots.

Jin: Yeah, right, not if we can whoop you before it goes down!

Scaramanga: I will not fight until we are in our proper forms.

All but Brando bumrush Scaramanga, only to be taken down with a few swings of his arm

Scaramanga: You'll have to do better than that.

Jupiter sets

Jasmine: He's told me all about this, he has no control over himself, we have to help him!

Brando: No, I can tell, he wants this to be his fight

Jin nods, Aaron looks on skeptically

Scaramanga: Now it begins...

Jin slowly, painfully turns into his werepenguin form, Scaramanga sprouts fangs, Jin charges whilst quacking wildly. Jin does not stop even when Scramanga rises his golden gun... He pulls the trigger!

Aaron: Not this time!

Aaron, in his rock body has stopped the shell!

Scaramanga: But... I already killed you!

Aaron: Yeah, and the same thing that happened last time happened right now!

Scaramanga tries to fancy swipe Aaron away, only to break his hand!

Aaron: I was just gonna go anyway, now it's a fair fight!

Scaramanga: I only had one bullet!

Aaron: Still, it just felt right. Have at him!

Jin rockets toward Scaramanga, pecking him. Scaramanga attempts to tear Jin's throat out to no avail, alas, it's harder to bite someone than to peck them

Scaramanga: Miserable thing! You will never kill me!

With this, Scaramanga changes into a bat and flies toward Jin, latching on to his beak with his mouth! Scaramanga looks into the werepenguin's eyes

Scaramanga (muffled): Now you are under my power!

Jin begins to feel weak, just as he is about to fall completely under Fransisco's command, Jasmine pushes him onto his stomach, kicks his butt and sends him sliding down a hill!

Jasmine: Sorry!

Brando glares

Jasmine: Sorry!

The rocky hills or Europa prove easy for the werepenguin, back to his senses to control, Scaramanga however, still attatched to Jin's beak, is getting his leathery wings and belly torn to shreds, before Jupiter comes into view yet again! Just as Jupiter slowly disappears over the next hill, Jin has time to turn back to human and bite down on Scaramanga's head! Scaramanga screams in pain and turns regular vampire again

Scaramanga: No pitiful trick by your girlfriend will change the fact that vampires shall always beat poor, stupid, lycans!

Jin: (Turning penguin) We'll see about that!

Jin turns again, pulling Scaramanga's trick again, biting his nose and thrusting his beak down his throat!

Scaramanga: owowow! dammit!

Jin then rears back again, pecking Scaramanga directly through the 3rd nipple to the heart! Pierced, Scaramanga falls back dead, but Jin still nips away at the man with the golden gun!

Jasmine: Jin, stop! You can't kill him anymore, he's already dead!

PengJin: Jas-mine?

A bit of humanity returns to Jin, who slowly covers Scaramanga with his own white linen cape and continues back up the hill and into the bunker. The find the door and pass the sphere readers, without the confirmation click, the ceiling begins to rumble

Aaron: What the hell now!

Brando: Europa is not only Crigta's lookout, but the home of another God as well...

The ceiling falls, revealing...

Brando: The hand of FATE!

Jasmine: More hands?

Master hand! The giant glove immediately begins it's attack, hitting all parties with a wide range of floating hand attacks. It stops only for a moment, to make a small mouth-thingy, which Brando interprets

Brando: "I am the messiah, only I will control all handkind!" I think he's talking to you, Baytes!

Baytes: Really? Well I don't know if it can hear, but it will feel my fists of fury!

Baytes and the hand battle it out, both are prodigious fisticuffers, but then, Baytes tries a different tactic, and wraps his arms around the thumb!

Baytes: Can you fight now, Brando?

Brando does, and double's Baytes' move, taking a cue, all others but Aaron follow, grabbing the hand's fingers. The rock-man then performs a finishing move, jumping on top and breaking the Master Hand's bones to bits! The opponent defeated, Baytes executes a well-placed blow on the doors, and enters the Big Boss's meeting room

Big Boss: Ahh, this is the famous werepenguin Jin, I had heard you died trying to escape from the moon of Uranus. Same with you, Aaron. What was that saying, you only live once?

Jin: (now only half-werepenguin due to to radiation sheilding in Big-Boss's room) You only Live Twice!

Big Boss: Indeed... but if I am not mistaken you are already dead!

Bunji, Jackal, Wikipe-Tan, Dale, and Dehoven all march into the room, confronting our heroes.

Brando: So, Dehoven, you did not heed my warnings after all, I thought it would have been clear after I let you off with a mere paddling last time.

Dehoven is frightened, but determined

Dehoven: Let's see you fight without your soldiers or your friends Brando, they will all die shortly

the assassins strike a battle pose

Big Boss: Ahh, Darth Marlon Brando, if I am not mistaken you are quite overdue to die. Seeing as I killed you three times already.

Brando: No, I was killed by cancer, an asteroid, and Chuck Norris, I will never fall by your mad ambitions, you see, what you have in intelligence rivals my own, but what you lack... is charisma, isn't that right, Donald-Prime?

Big boss's face emerges out of shadow for the first time! It's none other than Donald Pleasence!

Donald: Will shall see how far charisma takes you, my former brother.

The table of evil get up and form a pentagon around Donald and Brando, lightning shoots from their hands, forming a wall! a laser pentagram of early CGI forms in the middle of them, creating a deadly arena

Brando: (sigh) Another fight scene...

Jin: Brando!

Jin rushes to help, but is stopped by Marlon

Brando: Wait! Don't you see the big deadly force-field wall thing? Besides, you have your own fights to win

Dehoven, Jackal, Kugashira, Wikipe-Tan, and Dale stand to fight Jin, Aaron, Baytes, Volga, and Jasmine, Dale tries to tiptoe away, only to be stopped by Jasmine. A small silence...

...the small silence continues through the first ten seconds of a series of jump-cuts--

Kugashira, making a "bring it" gesture with one hand--

Jasmine, cracking her knuckles while tightening her grip on a massive wrench--

Dale, looking a little unnerved--

<background music fades in: Basil Poledouris, Klendathu Drop>

Aaron, bouncing from foot to foot in an improvised action pose--

Dehoven, pulling out a commando knife from a jacket pocket and gritting his teeth--

Baytes crouching into a deliberate attack pose--

Wikipe-tan suddenly holding a massive katana and shifting into a Highlander-esque attack pose--

Jin popping and cracking his neck, his shoulders, and his knuckles--

Jackal calmly leveling a massive rifle at--

Volga, calmly leveling another equally massive rifle at Jackal.

Donald: ...young fools.  Only now, at the end, do you understand.

Jasmine looks around the CGI "arena," then back at Dale and his cohorts.

Jasmine: This ends right here, and right now!

Wikipe-tan: Yes.  Yes, it will end right here...for y--

A figure in an orange spacesuit with a lozenge-shaped helmet staggers into the chamber.

Figure: Oh, my God!  There is life on Euro--

Jackal pivots and instantly fires his rifle twice.  The shots obliterate the helmet and presumably the head of the figure in the spacesuit, and he/she/it is catapulted backwards in a dead sprawl and a rather dramatic smear of blood.

Jackal: Okay.  Bored now.

Jasmine lifts her wrench high above her head.

Jasmine: YAAAAAAARRRRRRGH!

Aaron, Jin, Baytes, and Volga all look at each other in surprise as Jasmine continues to scream incoherently.  Jin shrugs after a few seconds.

Jin: YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Aaron, Baytes, and Volga (after a few seconds): ....YAAAAAAHHH!

The five heroes charge across the arena at their foes, with Jasmine and her wrench slightly out in front.

Dale: Oh, shi--

Jackal smiles evilly.

Jackal: YAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Kugashira, Dehoven, and Wikipe-tan: YAAAAARRRRRRRRRGH!

Jackal, Kugashira, Dehoven, and Wikipe-tan charge...all the while screaming.  Dale looks around frantically for a way out, then follows them dejectedly...

Dale: Yaaaaagh....I am gonna die...

Increasingly rapid jump cuts between the two groups as they draw closer, still shouting incoherently (except for Dale).  Finally, it cuts to a medium shot of the two groups closing on each other at full speed; just as the two groups close to hand-to-hand distance, the entire scene abruptly jump-cuts to a blue title card:

INTERMISSION

<background music: Paul Buckmaster, Escape To Nowhere (12 Monkeys)>

PART II: TEENAGE UNDEAD FRISBIE QUAKERS VS THE BLUE HIVE FIVE FROM HORROR HIGH ...in SPACE (one of those titles that has nothing to do with the story)

The second half of the story begins...

We get a repeat of the heroes and villains running for each other, weapons drawn, war faces-a-screamin', and bloodlust-a-pumpin!  They charge into each other with a great explosion!  Suddenly, it's a war between hordes of armies, lead by commanders such as our heroes against the best known criminals in the galaxy: the evil red shirt armies led by The Pleasence, who is now wearing blue face paint, and the good red shirt armies led by Lord Brando, fully decked out in black space armor.

We see so much bloodshed it's almost unwritable.  Volga hammers troop after troop with her devestating hammer; Jin tries his penguin-style kung fu (but blindfolded); Jasmine gives a few of the lackies powerbombs and finishes one with a chokeslam; and Aaron utterly lays the smack down with knockout punches and rapid uppercuts.  Celest Baytes is beating ass of course, with his/her android strength and martial arts wisdom.

We see some quick cuts of the villains getting their shots in as well.  We see a quick cut of The Jackal firing off rounds, dropping red shirts left and right; The Pleasence levitates a few up in the air and lets them drop from great distances; and Scaramanga drinks some blood as Dale runs and hides behind a big orange sofa that just happens to be out in the middle of the battlefield.

Bodies are flying everywhere; it is one total chaos of a blood bath, so much so that the camera gets knocked down and we see a few red-shirted folks from both sides go down in a pile of wretched death.  The brutal deluxe of a war scene continues for awhile to the sound of Enya's "Carribean Blue" with a lot of scenes in slow motion, in order to give the audience the most amount of senseless gore possible.  Speaking of those film tactics, we see a quick cut of Mel Gibson being flogged by some English Jews in the background.

Suddenly the war stops -everyone left alive is covered in blood, sweat, and dirt.  The fog gets extremely thick and the wounded red shirters are moaning the yard.  Most of "named" people on both sides still live, although they are roughed up a bit and flanked by the red-shirted dead bodies of their respective commrads.  Brando and The Pleasence have a stare down.  Volga and Dehovan make eye contact.   The Jackal and Aaron get ready to duke it out.  Jin finally penguins-out(TM) when cornered by Ol' 3 Arm and some friends.

Volga, drawing a new weapon, a long pike with an axe blade at the end, "feels like we're in the eye of a hurricane"

The Pleasence notices, "holy $h!t!"

Dale distracts Jin with a "psst" from behind the big orange sofa and asks him, "so...you believe in Bigfoot?" 

Celest-Baytes shakes off a few ankle-biting midgets: "Why we stop fightin?"

Everyone looks up in the Europaean sky.  Long pause as everyone gasps in horror.

Jin, "Bogus!"

Aaron, pointing up, "That's why!"

Brando: "Well...it's about that time we clear out some of the cast anyway..."

Brando is cut off by the sound of...

While every blood drenched warrior looks skyward the devotees of Crigta are in the midst of the most lavish of orgies which involve the 5 virgins, grotesque beast of all kinds, a gyrating Ashthecat with a goats head masking his appearance, two four legged goats before him, and Menard brandishing a sadistic long black whip. This can only mean that the ritual of the 5 virgins is well under way.

Lord Brando: Look up in the sky

Aaron: It's a bird, it's a plane, .................it's strawberry jello !

Jin: The mother of all jello clusters !

The Jello Bomb hits the metropolis of Europa covering the whole city in crimson. This is the final prophetic moment as the 12 moons of Europa appear blood red. Now...........the virgin sacrifice is about to take place, but wait ! From dark recesses of the city comes one of Lord Brandos trusted spies. His name is Odinn7 and with him are his travelling circus of squirrels................

Odinn7 and his circus of squirrels come skating in across the ice, hockey sticks in hand.  They're passing around a puck...I mean, a plot device...I mean, THE KEY TO VICTORY SIGMA.  They pass it rapidly back n forth while avoiding the Jovian Jello Jelly Bombers.  Odinn7 gets control, gives a bomber a high stick, sending it crashing into the horizon, and passes the KEY to Brando himself! 

Odinn7 gives Lord Brando the cue before sending his circus army to distract those from the Evil Table(TM), "take that and head down to the inner complex.  You'll find what you seek there.  We'll hold these guys off...but I doubt we can hold them for long.  You need to take cover from those bombers!"

Just then a huge grape blob of jelly comes bouncing their way.  They split up as the blob crashes and slimes a huge group of red shirters.  Everyone is thrown back by the force of the bomb.  Volga and Jasmine help everyone into a small steel building.

Jin, "whoa like, where are we dudes?"

Baytes-Celest: "beeep...I mean...we're in the top of an elevator shaft"

They all hop in and start descending through a tube, sending them below in the depths of a vast under ice ocean.  This ocean is a strange white-blue color and somehow illuminated from below.  The water is very clear here. 

Aaron, "where the #!*k are we goin?!"

Brando, "I have no idea...but Odinn7 is a trusted officer.

Strange sea life floats by as everyone can see they are moving towards a mammoth under sea construct on the ocean floor.  Even though they can see it, it takes forever to get there as the elevator drops gradually for a few more miles.

Meanwhile, up above...the camera moves over a field of dead squirrels and red shirters.  It focuses up close on a jelly pudding that has soaked up an army of red shirters.  Suddenly, a red-shirted undead hand emerges from the jelly pudding bomb site, busting up through the jelly, dripping strawberry preserves from its clenched undead fist.  Gradually, an army of undead jelly zombies emerge as a force to be reckoned with...

Aaron [to Marlon] "What the hell are those things, man?"

The red shirted zombies continue to change before their eyes.

Aaron: "Yo, Marlon, I said, WHAT THE HELL ARE THOSE THINGS, MAN? Trevor's fingers are bleeding, he can't type much anymore. My throat's sore, I can't talk much either."

Marlon: "Hmmmm. Red shirt zombies. Victims of psychoshatnerisms."

Aaron: " What?"

Marlon (farts and burps loudly): "Excuse please, bad burrito. They were stand-ins for William Shatner and didn't listen to him or his wig. Thus they became like Jor El ~ a vision paid a pile of money by Warner Brothers to talk to a nose-picking camera operator."

Jin: "This is weird, mutha. Next thing you're going to tell me that that lame-ass mutha from the mutha land is one of them. That guy that Pinhead killed in Hellraiser: HellSeeker ~ what's the guys name?"

One of the jelly zombies approaches Jin and Aaron

Trevor: "Trevor. Me Zombie. George Romero no want me, Dario Argento no want me and Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright tell me to go jump off a cliff so me do and me land up here."

Aaron: (groans in disbelief) "That's all we need right now, a Zombie-African."

Trevor: "No. Me proud African ~ whitey, but African. How are your cojones, O pale and sickly ones?"

While approaching the ancient sea structure via the deep sea elevator diving bell they ponder what happened above with the virtuous Odinn7.

Aaron: "Zombie !  I don't need cojones."

Jin: "Aaron, you need cojones where we're going."

Aaron: "Oh, ok"

Jin: "Mr. Zombie, this is Aaron my spirit guide."

Trevor: "You can call me Trevor."

Jin: "How come you don't want to eat my brains?"

Trevor: "I'm not that kind of Zombie."

Jin: "Are you with us or against us?"

Trevor: "I was just going to the party here below."

Just then the elevator comes to a stop and the doors open where there are a number of robed figures waiting outside a pair of heavy double wooden doors with big handles.

Lord Brando: "Jasimine do you have my ivory handled pistols?"

Jasmine: "No my Lord. They're on the ship along with the Doomtroopers."

Lord Brando: "They hadn't finished their burritos."

Just then one of the robed figures yells.

Robed Figure #1: "Infidels !"

Brando and Volga dis-robe and get busy with each other creating invisibility for the whole band of heroic space warriors.

Robed Figure #2: "Where did they go?"

Robed Figure #1: "Must have been an undersea hallucination due to deep sea pressure..........never mind."

Robed Figure #2: "Yea, but it was getting interesting."

Meanwhile our heroic band walks through the doors amidst the candle lit robed procession. As they pass through the passageway they hear the crack of Menards black spirit whip and see the goat headed Ashthecat providing unmentionable ritual acts amongst the willing.

Lord Brando: "Quick, grab some robes. I can't do this forever."

Volga: "Yes, you can !"

Jin, Jasmine, Baytes/Celeste, and even Trevor overtake a few of the last devotees of the procession that enter and they obtain the robes and put them on. They also throw Lord Brando and Volga some robes.

Lord Brando: "There's majick in the air."

Just then a robed figure turns facing the congregation of the unholy. The figure looks up and revealing himself as Dehoven who leads the black mass with incantations that will awaken Crigta............................................Jasmine pulls out the soul cracker when Dehovens orgy master Menard dis-arms Jasmine with the snap of the black spirit whip. Everything stops as the whole room now knows that intruders have infultrated the ceremony. Ashthecat takes off the goat head revealing that he's a face painter from outerspace.......................

Dehoven: "Get them!"

Ashthecat: "I'll get those interlopers."

Ashthecat leaps from the elevated platform onto Jin while the rest of the room capture all of our solar warriors including Lord Brando, Volga, Jin, Jasmine, Master Baytes/Celeste, Trevor and confront  them in an undisclose location where they will be judged............................

BIG BOSS BUNKER

The bunker is in pieces, both from the fight (still raging) and the Jello Bomb, as the Redshirts battle between themselves, no way to distinguish between the two armies both zombies in red shirts. No sign of the Big Boss inner circle until slowly, Pleasence rises from the jello.

Pleasence: MEN! Show yourselves! Are you still alive?

3-arms (half-smashed under a boulder): Do I have to?

Wimp-Lo: Ooh! I'm still alive!

Pleasence: O...K... Is anyone else still alive?

Wimp-Lo: Me! Me!

Jackal: I've found the rest of the Table of Evil (TM), all dead, they attempted to form the sheild again, they couldn't with only 3 of them.

Wimp-Lo: Yes! I am invincible!

Pleasence: (Sigh...) Okay then, how about the other assassins?

Jackal: Holding their own, sir.

Pleasence: Gather them.

Bunji, Dale, and Wikipe-Tan come when called, Jackal pulls 3-arms out from under the boulder, screaming

Pleasence: You are to be my new interim Evil Table (Donald-Prime hands Bunji, Jackal, and Wikipe-Tan black suits)

Dale: Finally! You do not know how long I have been waiting for this!

Pleasence frowns, slowly looking between a ridiculously serious-looking Dale and a hyperactive Wimp

Pleasence: About that, I still have 2 original Evil Table members

Dale sulks, dropping his cigarrette

Jackal: Where has Dehoven gone?

Pleasence: It seems our main benefactor has quite an agenda of his own...

Odinn7 (offscreen): Do unto others before they do unto you! TEAR 'EM UP!

The evils are attacked by squirrels, only to have Bunji shoot them out of the sky with a hailstorm of bullets, Pleasence approaches a shocked looking Odinn7

Pleasence: Where has my former kin escaped to?

Odinn7: You truly expect me to talk?

Pleasence: Yes, or...

Wikipe-Tan's puzzle-piece hairclip hovers off and approaches Odinn7 with a meacing red glow

Wikipe-Tan: We'll have to vandalize your mind!

Pleasence: GOOD-BYE - DOUBLE ODINN 7!

Odinn7 smiles knowing they don't have a chance. Laughing hysterically.

Odinn7: "You'd have to find it before you can vandalize it!

With that Pleasence and Wikipe-Tan looking at each other which is just enough time for double Odinn7 to duck into the maze that forms the metropolis of Europa.

Pleasence: "Drats!.......He escaped!"

Meanwhile below the ocean floor Dehoven has our heroic space warriors standing for judgement.

Dehoven: "Why have you come here Lord Brando?"

Lord Brando: "The Universe lacked adventure. When I was in the grave I summoned Jin. He was a derelict. Now look at him........He's become a fine warrior.......... Look at Jasmine she was a lost soul..........Now look at her.........She's my Seargent in arms. Look at Master Jack Baytes he was a respected.............Well..........Listen what are you getting at Dehoven? You are the evil! That's why we are here."

Jasmine: "How do you like those apples?"

Nearby, Menard lashes at Jasmine with the black spirit whip and Ashthecat puts on a goat head. Jasmine becomes silent.

Dehoven: "You've entered Europa without a visa and you have postponed the awakening of Crigta. You spanked the decoy Crigta on Uranus with the Golden Spatula. For this you must pay the consequences..........By the way where is the Golden Spatula?"

Lord Brando: "We have it, but we aren't sharing. You'll never get it."

Dehoven: "Lord Brando we sentence you to five years in the breeding chambers with a select group of 1000 women from around the Universe. Then you will be executed.

Lord Brando: "My past is behind me Dehoven. You won't get a single drop from me."

Volga: "You must do this my Lord. It's your destiny. Your descendants will be like the sands on the seashore."

Lord Brando: "My love............you are more than any man can ask for. I won't do it."

Dehoven: "Listen to her Brando she speaks wise counsul for you."

Lord Brando: "I won't do it Volga."

Volga: "You must. You can't turn over the Golden Spatula."

Lord Brando all choked up and weeping at the sight of the beautiful Volga.

Lord Brando: "Ok, if I..........must. "

Lord Brando tries to get closer to his true love Volga, but the wicked Menard and Ashthecat stand between them to prevent their unique powers which are the the result of the greatest love of all.

Dehoven: "Take Brando to the surface and execute the rest."

Meanwhile Odinn7 finds Lord Brando's ship not far from the Jello Bomb explosion. The Doomtroopers trying to get Lord Brando's ship back in order after the near cataclysmic Jello attack............................

Odinn7 rushes to the crash site, "we've got to save them!"

The doomtroopers don't seem interested as they're all trying to work on the wreckage scattered across the ice, covered in grape jelly.  They have one of the ship engines hoisted from an ice tree while a few other doom troopers have their heads under one of the ship hoods with their plumber asses hanging out.

One of the doomtroopers with a goatee (played by Christian Slater doing his worst Jack impression) approaches, covered in grease, wrench in hand, "greetings...you wouldn't happen to have a flex omega elbow joint do ya?"

Odinn7 shrugs, "nope...sorry.  Hey...didn't you come here with Brando?"  Now he has their attention.  Odinn7 continues, "well, he's about to be sentenced to five years in the breeding chambers!

Doomtrooper Goatee: "well...that doesn't sound so bad..."

Odinn7 interrupts, "yeah...with women chosen by some guy named clockworkcanary!"

The doomtroopers, in unison, "oh no!" echoed by Token Doomtrooper (played by Will Smith): "Aww Hell Nawww!"

Odinn7 continues, "yeah and they're gonna execute his true love, Volga, and the rest of their companions"

Doomtrooper Goatee, "lead on my friend"

Lord Brando is dragged to the elevator screaming for Volga.

Lord Brando: "V....O....L....G....A ! ! !"

Volga: "We will be together again my Lord."

With that Volga, Jin, Jasmine, and Master Jack Baytes are lined up against the wall by Menard and Ashthecat for execution as the elevator to the surface closes. The sadistic Menard decides to punish them first with the black spirit whip which is a hideous creation that transforms the soul into an evil spirit. All the while Aarons spirit is standing by waiting for an opportunity to help his friends.

Menard: "Hey Ash? Before I whip them maybe I should make them watch ESCAPE FROM HELL."

Ashthecat: "Wait.......I couldn't hear you with this goat head on. What did you say?"

Menard: "I said maybe I should make them watch ESCAPE FROM HELL before whipping them and executing them."

Ashthecat: "Sure, but Dehoven just wants them executed."

Meanwhile Lord Brando arrives back on the surface of Europa with a mild case of the bends where Clockworkcanary the breeding doctor waits for him.

Clockworkcanary: "Ah.....Lord Brando we meet at last."

Robed Figure #3: "He's got the bends"

Clockworkcanary: "That's ok. Let him rest a bit and he should be fine. Let's see............1000 women...............If he could mate twice a day.............that would provide the invasion army with about 730 warriors a year towards the conquest of the earth."

Robed Figure #3: "Your just like clockwork with this operation."

Clockworkcanary: "You should see the other notables of the Universe we have imprisoned here in the chambers for the invasion army."

Robed Figure #3: "Twice a day will kill him. What if he refuses?"

Clockworkcanary: "I have a schedule to keep! For crying out loud think positive! If he dosn't do it he'll be executed on the spot."

Back on the ship Odinn7 is bringing the troops around and obtaining any available weapons to free Lord Brando..............................

...but the remaining weapons aren't really weapons at all, but most of them are make-shift melee objects.  One Doomtrooper is armed with an oar, one has a hair dryer (but not plugged in), and a few are still holding wrenches.

One great weapon remains, however, held by Odinn7 himself, "I call it the Nutcracker" as he holds it up high.

Goatee Doomtrooper, still doing a p**s poor Jack impression, "Greetings and Salutations...just what does that thing do anyway?"

Odinn7, "well...

And with a mighty crack and in one fell swoop, Odinn7 happily demonstrates the awesome power of the Nutcracker by pulverising a pair of walnuts that were laying nearby.

Odinn7 looks around gleefully as he munchs on his newly cracked delights: "Wasn't that great gang? Now we don't have to fight on an empty stomach!"

His answer is the slow, painful moans of all the Doomtroopers that were within earshot of the Nutcracker's crack.  They are all lying on the ground, clutching their nethers.

Goatee Doomtrooper: "My balls, I can't feel my balls"

Odinn7 is suitably impressed: "A mighty weapon this Nutcracker will be in the coming battle," picking up another walnut, "and tasty-licious too!"

The Doomtroopers still writhe on the ground in pain.  Odinn7 walks towards the makeshift tent the Doomtroopers use for their command post and enters, preparing to plot and plotting to prepare...

Meanwhile back in the execution chamber, the evil and malicious grins of Ashthecat and Menard shine in the dimly lit Cinema/Extreme-torture/Birthday Party room.

Tied to the chairs, Jin, Volga, Jasmine and Master Jack Baytes are locked in place, their eyes forced open and unable to see, Aaron's spirit still lays in wait, knowing that his friends and cohorts are strong enough to withstand almost any punishment, until it is safe to strike.

Menard and Ashthecat aren't going to let their prisoners have it easy though, and decide to beef up the torture by shouting out at random:

Menard: "Visit my webpages you p!@$ies!"

Ashthecat: "Toilet paper goes under NOT over!!!"

A small drop of blood trickles down Master Baytes' ear, a sure sign that their nefarious and elaborate execution process is working, but his eyes detect a movement off to the side of the cinema...

MEANWHILE BACK IN CALIFORNIA

Poogie: It all started when I went to the swap meet and found this old script that looked really interesting, so, I bought it. I took it home and started reading it and PUFF, I was in another world of some kind. Strange things started happening and the strangest was that I was wearing a red blanket and carrying a fly swatter thingy. There were 2 people there who said I was carrying a spatula, I don't even cook.

Psychiatrist: How does this make you feel?

Poogie: I'm shocked, these people put me in a straight jacket and dragged me off to another place, I think it was some kind of boat house. There was somebody there called Celest and I could speak it's language.

Psychiatrist:How many languages do you speak?

Poogie: I only speak English and sometimes that gives me....Anyway they told me I had to delete a post of some kind...that they had to find someone named Brando to help me. All of the sudden it's like I'm in the Wizard of Oz and clicking my red ruby slippers.

Psychiatrist: Brando....Marlon Brando? Oh,......You're going to need many sessions of therapy my dear.....Continue.

Poogie: Next thing I know I no longer have my spatula and I'm standing in my kitchen starring at another Poogie....Isn't one enough? Of course my hubby is very happy. How do I get this other Poogie to get out of my....

Psychiatrist: Time is almost up, make it fast.

Poogie: How can I get rid of the other Poogie, she's driving me nuts, she's cooking everything in the house and using my bug killer weapon to do it. I'm finding bug parts in all my food and to top it off my hubby loves it. Although I do have a craving for pancakes. Oh, and another thing I can remember, it's something about Moose reproduction....it was out of control...there were thousands of them taking over the world and......

Psychiatrist: I'm sorry Poogie, your time is up, you'll have to come back to continue. As I said before, this is going to take a long time....You're just not right.

Next thing you know, Poogie is heading home from the Shrink's.  She reviews in her mind's eye about her fantastic, yet nonsensical journey.  She reflects on how nice it is to be back home (save for the flies and the extra Poogie). 


She passes the only phone booth that still exists in Cali and, of course, it starts ringing like mad, almost bouncing off the receiver.

Poogie answers, "hello"

Voice on the other end, obviously munching on some chips or something, "...Poogie, I have something important to tell you ...the other Poogie is your evil twin!"

Poogie holds the phone down for a second to make a Sly Stallone-kinda face as she does the Luke Skywalker version of "noooooooooooooooooo...that's not true...it's impossible!"

Voice on the phone, "search your feelings...you know it to be true!"

Poogie, "who the hell is this anyway?!"

Voice, "why you should know me... I'm ....

Cut to farmhouse, isolated, in disrepair.  The set design should depict lonliness, bland colors.  View pans around to a single lighted window - the kitchen.  Inside, we see momentos, pictures of a happy family.  Linger on tight shot of smiling woman with a happy young boy - we recongize as Jin around age 4 or 5.

Pull out to scruffy, unkempt man sitting at table nursing a drink - obviously not his first of the evening.  Visual clues of a sense of dread and the man ponders how his life is upside down; wife dead, son missing.  The man is seeing something in his mind the audience cannot see.

Unkempt Man (Steve Martin): (weeping slightly, and very drunk)  What has he done?  J-I-N!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

We then see he holds in his hand some sort of talisman, a black, round object about the size of a loaf of bread.

Cut to....

BACK TO THE PHONE WITH POOGIE

A one sided conversation takes place.....

Poogie: This can't be true!.......................How do you know this?........Then, where are you calling from?........There's no such place!.................Yes, she does eat bugs!...............No, I don't eat bugs!

Poogie looks at the phone and just drops it, leaving it dangling. She heads towards home trying to remember back when she was younger, when everything seemed to be normal. She starts talking as if someone else is there.

Poogie: I remember killing bugs, but not eating bugs, big huge bugs, bigger than me bugs. This isn't good, and who do they think they are calling me out here and telling me I have a twin? That isn't a twin at home it's some kind of alien that looks like me. I don't ever remember seeing her before I had that strange dream or whatever it was. Although I do remember having a black robe and spanking something...this is crazy.....

Poogie has arrived home to find the other Poogie running around the house looking for something but doesn't know what....she has the spatula in her hand. Poogie confronts her in hysterics.......

Poogie: WHERE DID YOU COME FROM? WHO BROUGHT YOU HERE? IS THAT A BUG LEG HANGING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? JEEEEZE......GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, THAT'S DISGUSTING! (starts mumbling to herself) Walking around here with a bug leg hanging out of her mouth, it's unbelievable.....

The other Poogie just stands there staring with no expression on her face, with a bug leg hanging out of her mouth, then turns and continues her search.

EUROPA, MENARD IS BUSY REDRESSING TREVOR IN TIGHT LEATHER TO HELP THE ATMOSPHERE

Jin: I remember something... my father used to tell me...

Ash: Okay, that's it, I'm checking on Brando, he's gotta be more visually pleasing than you guys.

Ash the Cat leaves, Menard diabolically laughs

Menard: OK, since it's only us now, I don't have to hold back for decency's sake. It's time for some Bat-P***y!

Jin: I remember...

ODINN7 MAKES A MAD DASH DOWN AN INNER-EUROPAN CORRIDOR FOLLOWED BY THE DOOMTROOPERS. THE TROOPS ARE BEING PICKED OFF LEFT AND RIGHT BY ZOMBIES AND CRIGTEES. HE, GOATEE-MAN, AND ABOUT A DOZEN OTHERS CONTINUE INTO THE MAIN CHAMBER TUNNELS.

Odinn: Alright Colonel, you take the left passage.

Goatee: Sir!

Goatee obeys, he takes a few troops with him

Odinn: Private, you are the sorriest excuse for a soldier I've seen, but you can lead the others anyway, take the right passage

Private Vomitrag: (Bill Paxton) f**k that! We're headed back!

Odinn: HUH!? What is your major malfunction Private Vomitrag?

Vomitrag: I still got a life to live man! I'm headed the hell back!

Odinn: You do that and you'll die for sure!

Vomitrag: No! No way man! I'll die here! I'm not gonna die on some Godforsaken banana satellite!

Odinn: You leave and I'll see to you discharged in the most painful-

Vomitrag points his broomstick at Odinn7

Vomitrag: No man, I'm headed the hell back!

Vomitrag and those following him leave by the way they came

Odinn:....Anyone else?

2 more leave, including Pvt. Jarrod (Will Smith)

Odinn: Ok then, the rest of you!

They follow Odinn down the center passage

THE CANARY RAPE ROOM, BRANDO IS CHAINED TO THE WALL JUST AS THE OTHERS IN MENARD'S TORTURE CHAMBER ARE.

Clockwork Canary: So, 1000 slaves in 5 years gives almost everyone a second go...

Brando: You know much about the art of love making

Canary: I have a special doctorate...

Brando: But something is missing, you treat it... as a science...

Canary: Ha-ha-haaaaaaa! Like clockwork!

Brando: You plan to begin on Europan new year?

Canary: If you do not talk... Like clockwork!

Brando: You have obviously not taken into account how quickly my... friends will come... how easily they could kill you

Canary: Really? Well I can torture you by a conventional method at any time

Brando: You cannot inflict any amount of torture on me that would cause me to betray my universe... they will come

Canary: Menard will rape your friends' skulls!

IN MENARD'S TORTURE ROOM,

Jin clutches something near his chest, hidden by his jacket

Jin: My father... he trusted me...

Jasmine: Jin...

Menard loads a degraded-looking tape into a degraded-looking VCR, a degraded-looking image flashes onto Menard's degreded-looking television. Almost immediately screaming emanates from everyone's throat, including maniacal roaring from Menard! But Jin remains silent, defiant, much to Menard's supreme annoyance.

Menard: Scream, Jin! SCREEEEEAAAAAAM!

Jin: My father... told me to... me to...

Jasmine: Jiiiiiin!?

Menard flicks a switch, the screen turns 3D! Jin still resists screaming, but to everyone's surprise...

Jin: hmmm, softcore Deliverance...

Menard: Hwaaaaaa??????

*On the screen, Bat-Pu**y enters*

Jin: I suppose that this is their love child, hmm?

Menard: That's Bat-Pu**y!

Jin: You can tell the deep-touching meaning the writer was going for, I tell you this is truly an undiscovered piece of art... maybe just touching... touching... art

Menard: What? You cannot honestly be speaking of THIS film!

*Bouncy-Ball sex!*

Jin: Like a scene from a Woody Allen movie!

The victims start giggling! Menard shuts off the tape, enraged!

Menard: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII know what you're doing! You are a disciple of Joel! I.... should..... have.... known!

Jin: Mark Metcalfe much?

As the giggling grows louder and louder, Menard rips out his spirit whip again, raising it above his head to kill Jin!

Menard: Death to alll-

Suddenly, a rain of shots penetrate the door, Menard is hit several times and he falls to the floor squealing! The door opens to reveal Bunji, Wimp-Lo and the Jackal standing by the door.

Bunji: The boss- Hey!

Aaron runs in and tears the protagonists' chains away. Jackal points a gun at Aaron. Aaron picks up Menard's TV and brings it above Jackal's head. Instead of crushing him, he throws it down on Menard, now torn up into the shape of a shadow creature, still dragging the whip like a specter tail behind him and gliding towards the others with a murderous glee in his eyes! Menard's TV smashes it's owner through the floor. Jackal, relieved, barely notices when Aaron rears back to hit him. But he does when Ash emerges through the door to see the prisoners free and 3 guns being pointed at him

Ash: Hey, it's boring in the- oh... whoops

Ash slams the door in front of him, but not fast enough to escape Jackal and Bunji, who dodge Aaron's stony fist and penetrate the high-priest with bullets. screaming is heard from the other side of the door. Wimp-Lo is not as lucky as his associates and takes the full force of Aaron's blow

Wimp: Owie!

Jackal and Bunji turn to face Aaron, who snatches Jackal's gun and points it at Bunji, whose guns are knocked from his grip by Celeste/Baytes kung-fu. Aaron looks down the hole made by the TV

Aaron: He'll be back...

Jin: Now... what about the boss?

BACK IN THE CORRIDORS, VOMITRAG'S GROUP CONTINUES TO RUN, TO FIND A GROWN-UP WIKIPE-TAN WAITING FOR THEM, MOTIONING FOR THEM TO COME CLOSER IN A SMALL SAILOR SUIT

Vomitrag: Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Vomitrag moves closer to the seductive anime chick

Nervous trooper: Eeerrm, Sirrr? What are you doing?

Vomitrag: I'm scoring, b***h!

Nervous trooper: Errrrmmmm, Why?

Vomitrag: Cause it's there

Vomitrag comes in contact with Wikipe-Tan

Nervous trooper: What if it's a zombie? Or a bad guy? Orrr.... umm, shouldn't we be going?

Vomitrag does not listen or repond, first because his lips are locked with the girl, second, because she has stabbed him!

Nervous trooper: Uhhhhh----Ohhhhhh

Vomitrag slumps to the floor, in adult Wikipe-Tan's place is a grinning Donald-Prime holding the bloody dagger

Jarrod: Ohhh, shiiiiiiiii-iiiiiii-iiiiiii-itz...

Nervous trooper: Should we go some more?

Jarrod: Comon, no more running!

Nervous trooper: so...

Jarrod: Time to run the other way!

Jarrod leads the dissenters back down the corridor to Odinn7's path. Donald-Prime vanishes

ODINN7'S PLATOON,

Are fleeing from a flying puzzle-piece hairclip! Only Odinn and 2 others remain

Odinn: You two go! It's obviously after me!

The first trooper ducks beneath the hairclip and runs back down the corridor, the other finds another passage, where he finds a seductive, grown-up Wikipe-Tan. The first trooper runs into Jarrod's squad

Trooper: Jarrod?

Donald (offscreen): Boooooooyyyyy!!!!!

Jarrod: Run!

They do. Meanwhile, the piece predictably continues after Odinn7, who is ambushed by the half-3-arms. The alien manages to climb up onto Odinn's neck! The thing strangles him as the puzzle piece flies towards him at incredible speed. Cut to Jarrod and the troops running back to find Odinn 7, they are caught off guard by the real Wiki-Tan, who launches another puzzle hairclip at the heroes, they manage to run just in time. Meanwhile, Odinn frees the nutcracker from his belt-buckle and spins around, hitting the piece and braking it into fourths, they recover quickly and begin flying towards Odinn again. Instead, they hit 3-arms, still clinging to Odinn7's back! 3-Arms falls to the ground as Jarrod's troops run back to Odinn

Trooper 1: I'm back! And I've got friends!

Odinn: Jarrod, you're back!

Jarrod: We're being followed!

The second piece comes whizzing from several feet away, followed by Donald and Wiki-Tan

Donald: You play a good game, boy... but now the game is finished... now you die!

Odinn 7 and the others run into the next room, only to find Ash the Cat waiting for them! Full of bullets, Ash is now little more than a goat-headed monstrosity hunched over in blood, but is still moaning towards the hapless soldiers. Thinking quickly, Odinn7 pulls the nutcracker and lands it square on Ash's junk! Ash doubles over in pain, but continues coming for Odinn7. Odinn7 uses the cracker again, to the same, limited effect as The Cat draws ever closer towards the agents. Ash reaches toward one of the troopers and easily crushes his head. Odinn7 is seemingly out of options. Thankfully, one is made for him when the puzzle piece crashes thru the entrance and into Ash's goat-mask. He collapses. Odinn and the others run into Canary's rape room to find him, sprawled out on the floor, Brando standing above him as triumphant music plays!

Brando: ...Do you know how long I have been waiting?

Odinn: What happened?

Brando: I... cleaned his clock...

FURTHER BACK INTO THE CORRIDOR.

The blood stained puzzle piece flies out of Ash's head and back to Wikipe-Tan's hair. Donald-Prime standing beside her.

Donald: Well?

Wikipe-Tan: I see... I see... they're straight down the passage... all of them.

MISSING REEL!

+co-author note: Apologies for another huge chap, and for the fact that it's pretty much totally action-driven and convoluted. In case you didn't follow that random clump of sentences near the middle, that's Jin surviving Bat p***y through MST3King it+

...back to a random holding cell...

Volga has been isolated, locked in a dark, dank, smelly prison cell, supposedly awaiting her clown treatment in ClockworkCanary's torture chamber.

Suddenly the lights activate, illuminating a slum of a prison cell with dirty white padded walls.  Across the room from her is who appears to be Clockwork Canary himself, although he's dressed more ragged.

Volga, "Clock?!"

Prisoner: "no ...sorry...I'm Clockwork Canary's Good Twin(TM) ...it is my destiny to defeat my brother!" as he jerks his arms at the full extent of the prison cell.  "I must stop his wicked ways at all costs!"

Volga, "how do we get out of here?"

Suddenly the cell door is kicked wide open by one large boot!  The boot is owned by none other than...

---

*Co-Author Notes: No prob ...I kinda like the detail.  I am wondering if we should approach a climax soon and wrap the story up not long after so we can start on a sequel, maybe something with a different setting.  Any ideas?  Maybe that's another topic.

It's Captain Nguyen of the famed and dead Cambodian Three Hundred Thousand.

Captain Nguyen: "Volga.........this way."

Volga: "Always good to see you alive again and again Captain Nguyen."

Captain Nguyen: "Was hanging out in the Netherworld when I saw Lord Brando in trouble."

Volga and the Three Hundred Thousand grab Jin, Jasmine, Trevor, Celeste/Baytes from the evil clutches of sadistic Menard and goat headed face painter Ashthecat from outer space. Jin attempts to convert Menard and Ashthecat while Volga and the Three Hundred Thousand take the elevator back to the surface ten soldiers at a time. Later that very week with the last of the Three Hundred Thousand finally reaching the surface we find Jin and company still in a lively debate over the nature of the God, The Universe, and Reality itself.

Jin: "So you see Lord Brando is the Messiah of the Universe."

Ashthecat: "So he's over us?"

Menard: "No.......He's under us and everywhere."

Ashthecat: "Does he like goats?"

Jin: "I suppose."

Ashthecat: "How bout goats milk and cheese?"

Jin: "Well......yea I suppose."

Ashthecat: "He seems like a swell guy."

Menard: "We'll join you....................after all you guys do have the Soul Cracker rifle, The Microwave Weapons from Uranus, and my Black Spirit Whip."

Jin: "That's right Menard and don't forget Lord Brando and Volga have the power of the Kiss."

Menard: "Yucks.......That's mushy stuff."

With the two new converts Jin and his crew head to the surface just as the last of the Three Hundred Thousand Cambodian Guard line up in formation along with a remnant of the Doomtroopers. Approaching the scene are a newly converted Moose herd of Five Hundred Thousand from the distant lush valleys of Europa led by Odinn7 and the squirrel brigade. With things beginning to come together for our space hero's we find the good Lord himself in dire-straights being brought his first two women for the day..................Between Lord Brando and his ever faithful armies we find Donald Prime, The uncountable Jelly Juggernauts, a reformed order of Clowns from Downtown led by Dehoven, and the dreaded Horde of the Dead...........Will they be able to rescue Lord Brando before the midnight hour and possible execution to be followed out by Clockworkcanary who doesn't yet know that Lord Brando died long ago on Venus. The good Lord being already dead he doesn't have any juice to seed with. This will naturally result in the worst for the beloved Lord Brando who's at the mercy of Clockworkcanary.

At the miniscule preceeding moment before Lord Brando's ultimate torture, the arrival of a beast named T-Rex.  Lord Brando beholds as she charges through the doorway as Evil Twin Clockworkcanary laughs like a maniac.  Lord Brando catches the beast's gaze and it sends him into a perpetual wagon of madness as he slumps to his side, drool dripping from his foul mouth, crashing through the bedside table.

Suddenly, recently freed Good Twin Clock busts through the door, just in time to save Lord Brando.  The twins engage in a luminuous battle of crazy spells and firepower.  They cancel each other out of existence and one of the Torture Commanders ceases to exist. 

The explosion rocks the entire area ...everyone nearby can feel the effects.  Fortunately for Lord Brando, T-Rex took the brunt of the explosion, but he still managed to be blasted halfway across the compound. 

In fact, his body is sent spiraling through the mess hall, where he is caught in the arms of none other than...

................the zombie Trevor, now appearing to be totally incorporated. Trevor shudders in disgust and drops T-Rex on his head, causing thousands of twittering birds to encircle the great scone of the one-time Steven Spielberg and Roger Corman collaborator. The birds are delightfully incontinent, causing the TRex to bellow in agony with all the excess guano dripping off his head and onto his teeth.

Trevor: "Hell, but you stink."

TR: (wincing in agony and battling to clean the excreta off his teeth): "Not my fault, son. Where did you come from, anyway? We haven't seen you for a while, TrevZom."

Trevor: "I've been in the WC."

TR: "The toilet?"

Trevor: (smacks TRex in the face and regrets it) "Show some respect, you chicken ancestor! My mother was born there! No, the Western Cape. In George, South Africa." (wipes hand on his Tommy Hilllfigger shirt ~ no typo, it is a cheap knock-off)

TR: "What if I bite you for that slap?"

Trevor: "You couldn't bite for sh--: oh, hang on, you have, haven't you? Where are Jin, Aaron and Lord Brando?"

TR: "They go boom boom, they dead."

Trevor: (stares in horror, winces in pain from his full bladder) "What are you saying? What about Ash and Menard?"

TR: "Ash and his chainsaw have gone back to the store, Menard has taken the goat head and is going to be in the remake of The Devil Rides Out.

Trevor: "I see. Well, I'm going now."

TR: "Where to?"

Trevor: "I won't be back, but something will." (Smiles evily)

Trevor strategically makes his way through the now-shaking corridor, seeing several soldiers of both sides dead on the floor. As he takes out a new piece of the map, Donald Prime (carrying a greivously wounded 3-arms) and Wikipe-Tan walk by. He hides the map behind his back

Donald Prime: Have you seen Lord Brando or anyone else who I hate?

Trevor: Nope

Donald Prime and Wikipe-Tan walk on and so does Trevor, who looks at the map again, then takes a gun off one of the guards and blows a hole in the cavern, revealing a black staircase illuminated by bright angelic light. Trevor steps down...

THE DEVASTATED BIG BOSS THRONE ROOM, RUMBLING JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE PLANET, THE FIGHT STILL RAGES WITH MENARD AND ASH JOINED IN, AND ROCKS HAVE CRUSHED THE ELEVATOR

Jin: Well we've brought in the cavalry, how do we get back to Dehoven?

Jasmine: We can't, the lower section's sealed off, he's probably dead already

Jin (clearly in madness): NOOOO! I will make sure! I must kill him!

Jasmine: Jin!

Aaron: He's right, off his ass crazy, but right. Weirder things have happened, he could have survived

Volga: We have to find a way back in

Celeste/Baytes: We could be crushed

Jin: I could be crushed

Volga: Jin, that's conceited!

Jin: No, it's the exact opposite of conceited, I'm going down myself

Jasmine: Jin! You'll die without help!

Jin: That's my choice,

Jasmine: And this is mine, I'm going with you!

Jin: Jasmine, you've become stronger you can go on, but I'm still me, and I'll die without you!

Jasmine throws her head into her hands, sobbing

Jin: Jas...

Jasmine: If you really want to die, then just go! There's an opening over there!

Donald's soldiers march down a small opening. Jin tearfully loks at Jasmine, and follows them, kicking them out of the way as he goes down

THE INNER CRIGTA PIT

Dehoven: Bastards! Bass-turds! This will be most difficult without a goatheaded priest or a whipwielding orgy master! But I'll try...

Dehoven slips on an Ash-like goat head and picks up a whip, chanting something and thrusting it at an adorably cute little alien, forcing it into the black, fiery pit. 2-more adorably cute and sexy aliens look on...

BACK ENTRANCE TO THE CRIGTA DOMAIN

Jin charges forward to meet Jackal and Wimp-Lo, the former holding a gun to his head

Jackal: Don't move

Jin... other guy. Where's Kugashira?

Jackal: Dead, he-

And with that, Jin knocks the gun from Jackal's hands into his own and points the weapon at him. Wimp-Lo, attempting villainous heroics attempts to death-blow Jin, but is himself smashed backwards in one hit by an unflinching Jin

Jackal: What the-

Jin: What happened to Donald? I won't ask you again

Wimp gets up

Wimp: He's bluffing! He doesn't have the guts to-

Jin shoots Wimp, the blood gets on Jackal

Jackal: You didn't have to do that, he's just being stupid!

Jin: Sorry, I'm a bit impulsive right now, so it would be best for you to simply answer and get out of my way... WHERE-IS-PLEASENCE?

Jackal: You said you wouldn't ask again!

Jin: Strike one!

Jackal: Corridor 8 and heading southward!

Jin: Thank you, now kindly leave, before you the last of the humanity I seem to be feeling now is successfully p**sed out.

Jin is becoming more werepenguin by the moment

Jackal: Just what I was doing before I got here

The Jackal wisely begins to leave, but a Wikipe-Tan hairclip flies after Jackal with the intent of executing him! Jin sees it and snatches it out of thin air. Jackal worriedly hesitates.

Jin: LEAVE... NOW!

The Jackal obeys, Jin coldly presses the clip with his thumb

CORRIDOR 8, DONALD AND WIKIPE-TAN CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR BRANDO AND DEHOVEN, SUDDENLY, WIKIPE-TAN FREEZES AND YELLS IN PAIN, SURROUNDED BY RED ELECTRICITY!

Donald: Wikipe-Tan?

Wikipe-Tan: It's Jin! I usually take the neutral viewpoint, but I can sense... he's angry!

Donald sneers and motions for Wikipe-Tan to continue, they do, and Jin in corridor 1 slowly follows the signs to them

DEVELOPMENTS:
*Jin is going cray-zee (and penguin-y)
*Most of the heroes stay upside to fight the battle there
*Jin goes back underground to search for Donald Prime to lead him to Dehoven and Crigta
*Dehoven attempts to perform the resurrection ritual himself
*Donald, Wikipe-Tan, and 3-Arms continue searching for the lost Brando and Dehoven when they are alerted to Jin's presence when he painfully squeezes Wikipe-Tan's hairclip
*Wimp-lo is killed
*The Jackal is allowed to run away by Jin
*Trevor delves into a secluded, bright cave to find what he told T-Rex he would get

----

This is my last post in this thread, but after the others are done there is an alternate, extended ending to be found at the following URL. I didn't want to bump the topic just to make sure that future readers could find it ;).

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,115984.0.html (http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,115984.0.html)

clockworkcanary's Jakked "it was all a hallucination" ending...
This is my lame ending - I encourage every writer to do their own ending, omitting the content of this post (each of us should do our own b-movie ending).

---

...Jin sees total blackness...

Familiar voice: "Jin...Jin....stay away from the light"

Jin thinks to himself, "what light?"

He opens his eyes to a bright and annoying light overhead.  He lies awake, finally, from a long coma.  People surround the table -all familiar faces: Jasmine, Pleasence, Aaron, Volga, Brando, Dale, Wiki-Tan, and the rest...all friends and family.

Jasmine, "Jin...you were out so long?! We thought we lost you"

Jin, "wha...wh....what happened?"

Aaron, "the bus you were on wrecked into a fuel truck ...big explosion, bigger mess"

Jin, "oh my...and I lived?! ....but what happened to you Aaron, you were sitting with me on the bus?"

Person, "Aaron?  are you ok? ....I'm Bill."

Bill looks at the rest of the familiy and shrugs.  Jin goes around the room to his brothers, sisters, cousins, and his fiance, calling each by the wrong names, "but but...you were there!"

Nurse, "the meds he's been on will have some <ahem> strange side effects"

Cousin Oliver, "well, let's give him some adjustment time and we can come back"

Bill (still Aaron according to Jin) leans over him and smiles suspiciously, "yes...yes I think you're right"

Everone departs the room with Bill leaving last.  As he pulls the door behind him he smiles evily, revealing very large penguin fangs, "see you soon childling"

The door shuts, Jin screams, The End

While the closing credits role we see Lord Brando in his Venetian tomb with tape recorder in hand.

Lord Brando: "The horror......the horror."

We'd like to extend a thank you to the goverment of Uranus for the many location shots.

Looking forward to the other endings guys n gals.