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From some of the writers of SPO.  This is another creative story where everyone can jump in (we need more writers dammnit so help!). 

Cast so far (special thanks go to Mr. Briggs):
(http://img136.imageshack.us/img136/4614/charsheet2cr1.png)

Note: This time, I'm going for a different approach since the 80s school setting was kinda lackluster...oh well :)   Let's try something a little more out there... like this (I hope you like it better):

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Two yet-to-be named scientists are working late one night at the lab.  We the audience see their shadows at first as the camera closes in on them from behind as it passes giant fluid tanks full of crazy cloning experiments.  We see sparks and flashes while they frantically grab at various tools and odd unidentified objects, apparently working on something they think is pretty important.

The lanky, somewhat annoying scientist: yes....YES!!!  Do you think it will work!?

The Bald old man (played by Patrick Stewart): I'm sure of it...hand me the hydro-spanners!

The lanky scientist (played by Bob Sagat): yes, yes, of course Doc <loud explosions all around the lab>...uh oh!

We the audience don't even get a chance to see what they were making as they both turn to see that one of the tanks has exploded, releasing one of the monstrosities within!

Whatever it is, we don't see it...but we see what it does...it smacks the bald scientist across the face (while Prodigy's "Firestarter" breaks out in the background).  The smack sends him across the room, through some sciency tables full of beakers and test tubes, which naturally disfigure him.  Then we see the shadow of something big and nasty grab Bob Sagat...I mean, the lanky annoying scientist by the throat just before it gives him the choke slam from Hell, possibly but not necessarily ending his miserable little life!

At this point, alarms sound all around the complex and a team of elite security guards burst into the room.  They are lead by the commander, who is non other than...

+I thought the Melvin Nossex thing was okay, but not exactly my forte in writing+

John Cena!

Commander: All right! Time to do what we were hired to do, blow this joint! :hot:

The commander and the other commandoes begin firing off rounds at random, destroying years of precious hard work, as well as shattering many more of the creature tubes. Out pop several experiments, a cyborg-proboscis monkey, a large metalloid amoeba, and three patchwork people; a normal-looking young man played by Brooks Gardner, a freakier one played by John Davis Chandler, and a similar looking freaky woman plyed by Cindy Ambuehl. One of the soldiers gets a lucky shot on the still shadowy (Due to "Tourette's Cameraman") beast, but the disfigured bald scientist knocks him out of the way, losing his own arm in the gunfire.

Bald old scientist: Don't kill it, it's perfect! Kill THEM!

Head commando: Will do, Doctor Egelnem!

One of the shadow-beast's claws sweeps across Cena's face, scarring him too, the others fire on the patchwork trio along with the amoeba and the monkey, ironically most of the troops are dispatched by the beast they were ordered not to kill as the other experiments run out a hole in the wall.

Head commando: Aww, hell they got away!

Doctor Engelem: What are you waiting for commander Jim, pursue them!

Cmdr. Jim: They're too far away now, but we shouldn't worry, they won't get far, I'm sure, what do we do about the Outsider?

Engelem: YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT?!? YOU CANNOT KILL IT, I ORDER YOU NOT TO!

Jim: Calm... *dumb stare*  down. I'll use the tranquilizer.

Smarter but outspoken soldier: But sir-

Jim switches out his rifle's ammo and fires again at the creature, we see the thing's eye as it turns and charges!

Engelem: What went wrong?

Jim: It must be immune!

Smarter but outspoken soldier: That wasn't the tranquilizer you fired, dumbass!

Jim: Oh.

Jim reloads with the real tranquilizer and fires again. The Outsider almost gets Commander Jim, but the camera cuts away before the strike. We catch a shot of the beast's rump with the dart in it as it lays on the floor knocked out.

Engelem: What happened, is it alive?

Jim: Don't worry, it's a drug, totally... harmless.

Engelem: Whew... I spent quite a while researching, now after dozens of pitiful failed experiments executed, and my notes destroyed... I like to think that it still feels worth it. Now... we must return to matters at hand! Dr. Lzesl!

Lzesl (lanky, now hunchbacked Saget): Yes Dr. Engelem!

Engelem: Attend to the rest of my experiments! Especially those ones that just ran away, we shall find a use for the Outsider yet!

MEANWHILE, THE PATCHWORK TRIO RUN AS FAST AS THEIR ZOMBIE-ESQUE LEGS CAN CARRY THEM AWAY FROM THE LAB AND INTO THE GRASS NEAR A LONG ROAD, THEY FINALLY STOP WHEN THEIR WORN-OUT LUNGS GIVE OUT AND IT BECOMES APPARENT THAT NO ONE IS CHASING THEM.

Patchwork normal: Holy s**t on a s**t-stick! That was crazy! Remind me never to volunteer for guinea-pigging to pay off... debts... again! Who are you weirdoes?

Freakyman: I... am... guy.

Freakygirl: I-am, I-guess... peeeaaacce...

Patchwork normal: Umm, I'm Roy, ...out of curiosity, how did you end up here?

Peace: the stars align... Our lives are controlled by the universe, we are little more than primordial ooze in the mind of a celestial telekinetic. Means can be trivial, I believe we have more significant matters to consider at this frame in "time".

Roy: Okaaaayy, I don't suppose you have anything more interesting, and/or important information... guy?

Guy: Wellllllll... I guess you could say that buuuuuttttttt.... I don't think A BIG MA-an like you would care about my various... "ISsues", EH? Heh, heh, he

Roy looks at his new "comrades", wondering what the three of them have become, when...

+thanks!  maybe Melvin Nossex will make some kinda nerdy appearance someday in this story...along with some characters from SPO +

---

...the cybornetic monkey bursts out of a nearby bush, floundering around due to being smothered by the giant silvery amoeba...just before it tears through it from the inside with a small bladed instrument!

The patchwork trio look on in disqust and shock as Guy blurts out, "look! it's a monkey knife fight!" ...yes...the cyborg monkey has somehow split himself into two (a blue-helmeted monkey and a red one) due to its injury and the two monkeys start knifing each other!

The rabid-like monkeys goes crazy, slicing up the silver creature before inhaling the amoeba through ardvark-like noses, which indicates to our trio to start hauling some ass (non-sensically away from the road and into the deep forest) while the robo-monkeys are fighting.

The three follow the somewhat normal guy through the trees until they come to an overly dramatic dead stop just before falling off a cliff and down to the sandy, lonely beaches below...rocks fall off below and the camera follows them until the stones smash below...just as the waves roll in from the deep blue ocean.

Peace, in a slight Icelandic accent: ah the island of the mind in the sands of time and I got my peuce button-laced self-knitted sweater all dirty and dusty...say, I always say if hopping into a live volcano feels right, I say do it!

Roy shakes his head at Peace and suddenly they hear the commotion of the oncoming elite commandos.  Roy quickly leads them down a small and very narrow natural staircase, which leads into some kind of damp cave entrance. 

Roy takes a good look at Guy and realizes he's a type of Frankendork, a greater nerd made from the parts of lesser nerds!  Upon closer inspection, he notices the obligatory pocket protector, overly oily complection, the mustard-stained Bobba Fett T-shirt under his partially open, mis-buttoned overshirt.  This causes Roy to question his own state of being, but he just can't seem to focus right now.

Roy, mumbling to himself: is this what I get for defaulting on my student loans?!

The trio hide out in the cave and they finally decide they are safe for the moment.  They build a fire with some broken timbre laying about and get cozy for a well-deserved, cloning-tank free nap. 

Peace: ahhh sleepy time!

But after a few moments, they realize they are not alone...

They are approached by Lzesl, in a hi-tech all-terrain vehicle, wielding a strange-looking weapon

Lzesl: All right you all! If Commander Jim catches you here he will kill you! I however, am fine with exploiting you three for cheap attention if you cooperate! Now, get back in these uncomfortable reserve tanks!

Roy: Screw you!

Peace: you do not own us, though you may have made us what we are, now that we are free, we are your equaaaaallllssss

Lzesl: Eww. Okay, I guess I'll have to take you by force then!

Lzesl fires his weapon at Peace, the projectile tears through her body, leaving a hole but not really harming her.

Roy: You bastard!

Roy jumps on the ATV, rears back, and tries to hit the terrified doctor, only succeeding in knocking his own hand off, much to his own shock!

Roy: What have I become?!

Lzesl: Ha Ha!

Roy: This is your fault!

Lzesl: Not techinically, but I'm sure Engelem will be too wrapped up in his "Outsider" to deny me credit! I can make the three of you the master race if you agree to come along with me.

Roy pauses, puzzled at the eccentric second-string-scientist before picking his hand back up and dashing off, Guy, after a while of droning, follows, Peace stays still and sways

Peace: Colllloooorrrsssss....

Lzesl: Huh, I must have loaded it with tranquilizer by mistake, and it must have delivered just enough to put her more out of it than normal.

As Peace collapses, Roy finally looks back

Roy: Crap! We can't just leave her there! Umm... Guy! We have to go back!

Guy: We can rescue her later, we've gotta get away fer now!

Roy: Good point for once!

Roy turns back to run

Guy: 'Cuz I've gotta go to the zoo and get a plastic cup!

Roy thankfully doesn't hear Guy's last non-sequiter and instead dashes off into more woods

Lzesl: They won't be gone for long. They'll be back... for her!

Commander Jim, however, does not really care if they come back at all and as he enters the scene, simply begins to pursue them into the forest

Lzesl: They went thataway! Bring them back alive!

Jim chooses to ignore this, and the other commandoes inadvertantly knock Lzesl's ATV over. Both he and Peace are relatively unharmed, and the former sticks the latter into one of the uncomfortable carrier tubes and starts to stumble back up the staircase-esque cliff-face to the lab.

THE WOODS

Smart, but outspoken soldier: Now, we don't know exactly how smart these experiments are, so we've got to be smarter!

Jim: Right! We have to fire in every direction at once, they'll have no where to hide!

With this, the commadoes except the smart one indeed fire in every direction for about 10 minutes, until they finally run out of clips. There is a silence, which lasts for all of 15 seconds before an arrow drops from the canopy and impales three of the soldiers' necks!

Jim: They're too smart! Fall back troops, Wendt, you stay for surveillance!

Wendt (smart outspoken soldier): wh-

All the commadoes but Wendt flee, though some are picked off by more arrows. The helpless Wendt tries squeezing off a few rounds, but is himself be met by an arrow that misses him. He looks down only to find that attached to the arrow is a can of volitile CHAM (Imitation SPAM from Laotian rebels) lit on fire. As soon as the flame hits the substance, the smartest troop in Jim's platoon is blown to bits. Once the assasult is over, the remaining two of the patchwork trio emerge stunned from the flora.

Guy: Whew, that was a genius plan, Ray!

Roy: It's Roy, and I didn't do that... obviously.

The two are joined by a weird paramilitary type (Sam McMurray) wielding several odd weapons and tools

Military guy: I did it! I've wanted to put a damper on that scientist guy's plans for years now... I just needed the moment when something would storm through my woods and engage me face to face in a situation that would pose little potential threat to me!

Guy: Congratulations.

Military guy: That's right it is! The name's Hamburg, General Hamburg! Now what are you doing around here?

Roy: I volunteered to be a guinea pig, I woke up like this.

Hamburg: I knew it! I knew they were doing insane stuff in that lab! I knew it, I knew it all along!

Roy: That's good for you, but we have to get away to get help, one of our... friends is still back there!

Hamburg: You can't go back there! And you can't go back to the public either! No one can know, YET! We... must... arm ourselves for the appraching BATTLE!!!

Roy and Guy look at each other, worried

ENGELEM'S LAB, THE DISFIGURED DOCTOR NOW HAS HIS STUMP ARM WRAPPED UP IN ONE OF HIS SLEEVES, AS JIM CONFRONTS HIM WITH THE BAD NEWS

Engelem: I knew it, I knew there were spies hidden in the woods trying to stop my brilliance! But they won't get far, my great creation will see to that!

Engelem pushes a button, we see a plate of super-plexiglass raise up over the creature's feet, cut away to Engelem as a SMASH is a heard, we cut back to see another large hole in the wall caused by the beast.

Engelem: Kill, kill!

Jim (Looking into mirror): Hey, I look kinda cool with this scar!

Jim's self-admiration is interrupted by the arrival of Lzesl, dragging a tank full of Peace using a poly jack.

Engelem, with his back turned just points to the cloning tank slot where Peace resided before..

Panting heavily, Lzesl whines, "the others...they managed to escape, sir"

Dr. Engelem, with his face buried in a new and improved desk of sciency devices, "well... that is too bad..."  - with is back turned we the audience see him working on something for his arm - drills, buzzes, and clicking sounds engulf the area as he turns around to reveal his new cybernetic arm!

Englelem, "yes, that's too bad for you! you have failed me for the next time!" as he releases some kind of projectyle buzz saw that zips across the room and into Lzesl's face.  And although extremely painful, it does not kill him, somehow!

Lzesl, "ahhhh!  oh my god that hurts!  ouch that friggin hurts dude! ahhhhhhhhh"

Jim, "well sh!t ta bed!"

Englelem, "you don't know the pain that I am capable of"

Lzesl, "please don't end your sentences with a preposition, sir?!"  -just then, the embedded saw in his face begins to spin, "ahhhh!  ouch!  sh!t!"

Englelem, "now...go...find me the other two before they discover the 'real' plan!"

Lzesl arms himself with a few more weapons: a sling shot, a spit ball straw, and a pogo stick, "I'll be back to fail you again sir!"

After his departure, Jim looks at the Doc with astounding resolve, "that was some serious sh!t dude!  How did you get powers like that?"

Englelem, "well, back when I was a lad, I took my soap box guitar to that little ol' crossroad in rural Mississippi where I met old Scratch.  The devil offered me great powers in exchange for seven souls"

Jim, "whoa he gave you powers of super science?"

Englelem, "well, no ...I went to Pat Robertson's School of Devolution for those; but I did pick up this handy talent" and all of the sudden, D. Englelem's robotic arm transforms into a three pronged pseudo-hand and he breaks out an evil looking guitar playing nasty-to-the-max guitar solo from Hell(TM) as red smoke fills the room!

Jim, "holy sh!tballs dude, that was totally hardcore! I feel like busting out of a wall er somethin"

Englelem, "yes...I know this.  Now...to more pressing matters!  You must recruit the next group of red shirted mercenaries <door opens on the south side of the room revealing just such a group> ...take this unit of misfit mercenaries and take out the spies...locate his base of operations and destroy it.  This I command! oh...and one more thing...beware of that damned monkey!"

Engelem: And don't come back until you do!!

The door slams behind Jim, who sits on Doctor Engelem's porch for contemplation.

Jim (monotone): What to do... What to do... What to do... *Sigh* What could those bastards be planning... ...What? ...What? ...Wha-

Around the corner there is a rustling noise, Jim takes up his gun again and fires! From behind the corner come the red-shirt South-American mercenaries, a bit frightened, but mostly puzzled by their new "leader".

Jim: *Whew* You guys scared me! Don't do it again, you hear me?

Mercenary 1: Que?

Jim: Comprendo? No Escaro me tu!

Mercenary 1: I don't quite understand.

Jim: I'm in charge now, you have to do what I say! You people are familiar with the forest, correct?

Mercenary 1: No.

Jim: You can try! We need to find some banditos in these woods and you are the most seasoned trackers I've heard of

Mercenary 2 shrugs his shoulders an begins to halfheartedly lead the others on. Once at the forest, some rustling and howling is heard from the treetops.

Mercenary: What was that?

Jim: It must be the monkey Engelem told me about.

Mercenary 1: I remember the conflict on Europa... Though I am Colombian, I served among the Cambodians in General Brando's army. There were monkeys back then...

FLASHBACK TO - Super Porcupine Omelette. A slightly similar-looking redshirt doomtrooper fires off a few rounds in Donald Prime's throneroom. We cut away to some stock footage of monkeys being shot at before coming back to the present...

Mercenary 1: We were warned to stay away from the monkeys, and I cannot think of a greater time to use lord Brando's wisdom.

More rustling, and this time pained howling come from the treetops. Blood, and now a bloody carcass of one of the proboscis cyborgs falls down!

Mercenary: What is that?? What was that??

Jim: That must have been The Outsider.

Mercenary: Oh Dios Mio! Doctor Engelem never told us of his experiments! We cannot stay here!

Mercenary 1: Calm yourself... We are but more animals to these monsters

Jim: I dunno, (Points at Proboscis carcass) look at what happened to that animal.

Mercenary 1: Tonto...

Mercenary: Where is the guide?

Mercenary 2 is indeed missing. More rustling up above to the worry of the mercenaries, until two of our patchwork friends come in to the scene, carrying the tied up "General" Hamburg over their shoulders only to see the other crazed semi-military man staring at them.

Jim: Crap!

Roy: Crap!

Roy throws Hamburg into the brushes, he and Guy follow

Roy: Okay, prove yourself, if we untie you, you let it loose on these losers!

Hamburg: Mm-Hmm!

Jim: Compadres! Approach... the bush... carefully.

Another arrow shoots out of the small bush, it heads for Commander Jim, but one of the Mercenaries snatch it out of the air!

Hamburg: What happened!?!

Roy: Running again!

And he does, and they do, and Jim follows. Although he is obviously not the smartest, Jim is able to keep up with the three by destroying every tree that gets in his way.

Jim: Get back here!

The red-shirt mercenaries are left alone, with the spooky howling from the trees. Meanwhile, the patchwork duo manage to make it to a desert road, followed none too closely by Commander Jim.

Jim: I said... FREEZE!

Hamburg and the patchworks run for it, Jim doesn't follow

Jim: Aww, damn...

Jim dejectedly walks back into the woods, he sees the worried and confused mercenaries

Jim: Fall back, men

The mercenary who disappeared before returns.

Mercenary 2: Sorry, I had to take a pee, what happened?

Jim walks back to Engelem's door

Jim: Hey... I lost 'em again... I'm gonna need-

A secondary door slams in front of Jim, solidifying Engelem's order

Jim: Aww man...

Mercenary: What happened?

Jim: We're not allowed back in until we do our jobs

Mercenary: ...oh no

Jim: They fled off into the street, I guess you guys can stay in the w\forest and look for more spies and I can go after them

Mercenary: What if we go after them and you stay in the forest looking for spies?

Jim: Naaw, that nature stuff is your guys' specialty, I'm a man of action... But for this kind of out-of-control situation, I'll need help.

Jim takes out a cell phone and dials...

Jim: Hey Major! *garbled cell speech* This is Jim! *Garbled speech* Yeah, that Jim sir! *Garbled speech* Cause I was hired to defend a rogue lab in South America.

THIS TIME, WE CUT TO SEE THE MAJOR (Gary Busey) AT HIS DESK.

Major: WHAT??! That is not how the US military-  Are you calling yourself "Commander" again, Corporal? *Garbled, "It's the same thing, sir!"* ...Ohhh, boy... Where exactly is the secret lab?

Jim: In... umm.... South America, it doesn't matter sir, our quarry is on their way north of the border!

Major: (To an offscreen figure) Somewhere near the border of Central and South America (To Jim) Okay Corporal, I'll be right down, you keep doing whatever you're doing.

Jim: I'll go ahead of you, sir!

Both Jim and the Major hang up.

Major: Quarry? What the hell is happening down there?

BACK NEAR THE LAB

Jim: Boys, our job is just about done, we're about to meet a great man! Now move out!

The mercenaries hesitantly walk back into the woods, Commander Jim follows.

Roy, Guy, and Hamburg are still following the desert road, trying to hitchhike. Though most cars start driving faster as soon as they see the zombies and the military freak, a beat-up-looking 18 wheeler, driven by a man played by Robert Z'Dar stops for them.

Driver (Monotone): Hop in

The three do

Roy: Thanks man, we're being chased, they're kind of incompetant, but it's none the less dangerous. We need to get to Washington to let people know what's going on down there!

Hamburg: NO!! No Washington! Washington can't know what I've been doing down there!

Roy: Then where are we supposed to go?

Hamburg: Las Vegas... I have a few... ties that will come in handy...

Roy: *Sigh*

Driver: I can't go to Washington, they'll find out I've been picking up passengers and arriving at my destinations months late...

Roy: That's okay then, I'm sure we can find someone in Vegas... And if we can go a bit further, I have a friend in California.

Driver: I can't go to California either.

Roy: Why not? I'm sure people won't mind that you picked us up in California.

Driver: But they might find out what I did with THIS!

The driver produces a knife from under his seat!

Roy gaspes, Guy cries, but Hamburg laughs at the sight of the knife!

Hamburg, "that aint no knife mate...this is a knife!" as he flings out something from his pocket.

Driver: "that's not a knife either dude haha"

Roy, "sh!t...he's right...it's a toothpick!"

Guy, "it's not a tumor!"

Hamburg, "ok screw this!  pull this over...I challenge you to...to....a dance off!"

The driver slams on his brakes, almost jack-knifing the truck.  He parks at the rest stop and glares at our trio, "did you just challenge me to a dance off mutha #*#ka?!"

Hamburg, "yeah that's right! ...let's do it"

Guy sobs some more, "you know what happens at rest stops don't you?"

The rest of the group ignore him as they all get out of the truck.  Nearby truckers come out of their trucks and circle the group, awaiting the big scene.

A chinese trucker with a boombox presses play and the sound of MC Hammer blares through the entire rest stop!

Evil Truck Driver tosses the knife, "get ready...because I friggin make the booty bounce!" and the evil trucker starts the dance off with some crazy combo that turns into a head spin while the trucker circle cheer him on, "how's that for an opening b!tch?!"

Guy wipes his tears, "do you know how to dance Hamburg?"

Roy, "I think you better call for more back up"

Hamburg, "already did son...already did...they should be arriving right...about...now"

Just then, a throwing star flies into the Chinese Trucker's boombox, effectively killing the badly sampled 80s parachute pants song and out jump a group of NINJAS!

These ninjas are lead by a tall guy with a goatee!

Roy, Guy, and Hamburg, in unison, "yay ...it's Goatee Ninja!"

Goatee Ninja (played by Steve Guttenburg) screams (like ninjas do before they attack), "getttum!" and a huge brawl between truckers and ninjas tear the scene... 

That 80's interactive bad movie rushed by too fast for me to say that  this is how it should have ended: http://www.atomfilms.com/film/eighties_ending.jsp (http://www.atomfilms.com/film/eighties_ending.jsp)

+Dave, that should go in a commentary topic of some sort. BTW, I actually wrote a new ending to the old Interactive Bad Movie and posted it in another topic. Not too many 80s cliches, but it leaves it on something better than the just a dream thing IMO+

Hamburg: I told you fellas I had connections!

Guy: I think I love you, maaannn!!!!

Roy: How do we get to Washingto- ...err Vega- ...errr Califronia now? In fact, how the hell do we get out of here?

Hamburg: WE won't get hurt! The ninjas' connections cover that, they don't hurt bystanders!

Roy: How do they know they won't make a-- We aren't even bystanders! We started the whole thing! Okay, how did all the ninjas get here anyway?

Hamburg: They travel through summoning jutsu!

Roy: What?

Hamburg: another dimension, filled with nothing but ninjas, giant animals, and missecllaneus ninja equipment!

Roy: Sounds boring

Hamburg: Well we like to keep them there, so they'll appreciate the real world more when we call them forth. They don't really have much of personalities anyway, they don't really mind

Roy: We who?

Hamburg: Ninja!

Roy: You're not a ninja! Ah, never mind...

Hamburg: Right, never mind!

Guy: Right, never mind!

Roy: Is there anyway we can get to California through summoning jutsu crap?

Hamburg: Not really.

Roy: Why not??

Hamburg: Because it's reserved for ninjas only! I'm not going to Vegas alone!

Roy: California! And that's ridiculous!

Hamburg: Also the scrolls tend to get burned a lot

Roy: Bah.

Out of the smoke and dust comes the sole survivor of the dance-off, the first driver!

Driver 1: Teach them to outdance me...

Driver 1 then promptly loses his threat, collapsing on the side of the road.

Roy: ...Hows about we take the truck?

The three pile in the truck, Roy gets in the huge drivers' seat, takes the wheel, and with the ignition still on begins driving, thumping noises of driving over dead bodies are heard under the 18 wheeler, to Roy's minor disgust

Hamburg: Oh, keep going, s**t happens, ninjas don't mind, they're not samurai, and truckers are probably honored to be-

Another thump, and a scream is heard!

Hamburg: -Nothing! Nothing, just keep going.

Roy: Sure!

It is clear that Roy is not as comfortable as he comes on to be, his zombie arms keep fluctuating, making driving slow and dangerous.

Hamburg: Maybe I should take the whee-

Roy: hell no.

Still the truck fluctuates due to Roy's crappy driving, and finally flips over on it's trailer, in the middle of the road

Guy: It's gonna bloooooooowwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! ooooooohhhhhh...

Calmly, the trio pile out of the truck

Roy: Well at least I didn't let Hamburg drive.

Hamburg: Uh, huh... You sure showed me

Roy (Looking at the upturned truck now blocking the road): Well, at least all we have to do now is wait...

The three wait...

MEANWHILE, THE MAJOR TRAVELS HIS PRIVATE JET TO ENGELEM'S LAB COMPLEX. INSIDE THE BUILDING, ONE OF THE ORIGINAL COMMANDOES INFORMS ENGELEM OF THE APPROACHING CRAFT.

Engelem: So... it begins in truth now...

AS THE MAJOR'S PLANE TOUCHES DOWN AND BEGINS TO LOSE SPEED ON THE LANDING STRIP, AN IRON WALL EMERGES FROM THE GROUND, CRASHING THE JET! THANKFULLY, THE MAJOR, HIS SUBORDINATE (Stephen Tobolowsky), AND A FEW OTHER UNIMPORTANT SOLDIERS GET OUT IN TIME TO MISS GETTING KILLT

Subordinate: Sir! Units T15-T28 are neutralized!

Major: Still in the range of acceptable collateral, put it in your schedule to inform their families. The plane on the other hand will cost us, but I'm sure we can beat that and some surplus out of this, Angle-lem fellow

As The Major, The Subordinate, and a few soldiers converge upon the front door with weapons drawn, they are shot at with a stream of flames from nozzles around the door! The Major skillfully dodges back, and the subordinate kind of waddles out of the way, a few soldiers, but not a significant amount, are torched. Engelem opens the door himself and steps slightly outside.

Engelem: I'm sorry, the security is on at all times. I hope you don't mind, I suppose it's a small price to pay to have the chance to DESTROY MY RESEARCH!!

Major: You're right. I'll survive.

Engelem: We'll see...

Major: Indeed, we can never really tell.

Engelem: Step inside...

The platoon does so, ducking under a flying sawblade.

Major: Lets discuss a few matters, 1st and foremost, your landing strip is much too short!

Engelem: No, it is exactly as I intended it... Call it... A necessary precaution... A necessary precaution that I hope will not be necessary in the long run.

Major: Can't argue with that. Now, it seems you're conducting illegal experimentation here. What's your name, fill him in on the details.

Subordinate: Vernon, sir. Well, it seems based on information given to us by Corporal Jim, that there have been some things involving monkeys... zombies... "living semen crap", and "some things that the locals don't like to talk about", plus, he says you're a bit too crazy to be a smart guy, in his own words...

Engelem: That bastard, sold me out!

Vernon: On the bright side, he's says some of your inventions are ...wicked cool... if that matters to you.

Engelem: Indeed, my creations seem odd, but only because they are ahead of the scientific game!

Major: Listen, I don't know anything about the scientific game, I never bother myself in that stuff, I'm just here to shut you down if necessary

Engelem: I see, let's see if I may be able to explain myself in a way you are more able to understand... please... take two steps forward and everything will be explained

Engelem stares down The Major and Vernon, a few suspenseful shots of the floor two steps ahead and...

Major: I don't think so... I don't see anything amiss here really, but I'll be coming to check again, so don't get too comfortable, or do get too comfortable, whichever incriminates you faster...

Engelem (frustrated): I don't intend too... I shall be just comfortable enough... to destroy you.

CUT TO THE DOOR SHUTTING BEHIND THE PLATOON

Vernon: So... do you think there is something ...wrong here?

Major: 110%, Vernon, be sure to inspect that "2 steps forward" place, something is very wrong here...

IN CALIFORNIA, NOBLE BUT LONELY SCIENTIST Randy Phearson (Zach Galligan) SITS IN HIS LAB, HARD AT WORK... ALONE

Randy (Thinking): Hmm, from information released on this illegal, but benevolent hacking website, it seems the infamous among the scientific community Dr. Engelem is working on something mysterious in the South American foliage... I wish I could go... but my boss is such a hard-ass he would pass up a chance for scientific opportunity to make easy money!

His work is intruded on by Rebecca (I'll decide later)

Rebecca: I couldn't help but overhear your private monologue

Randy: Private monologue? I thought that was mental monologue

Rebecca: Your boss, he really doesn't treat you well enough

Randy: I wish, but I'm not Maine Gregorowicz... I'm afraid I'll be stuck at this desk job forever.

Rebecca: You're destined for greater things, you just need the right project to prove it to the scientific community!

Randy: I wish I could say the same about myself, wish I had the right project...

Rebecca: I'm sure you will soon, you got all the best grades in college ever, and even if you're the lowest payed, you're the hardest worker around here! All you need is some sort of project that will get you respect from the scientific world!

Randy: If only I was allowed to go deeper into the Engelem story!

Rebecca: DOCTOR Engelem?!? But he's dead!

Randy: Of course, but he's been falsely reported as dead at least 5 times in the last decade!

Rebecca: I still don't believe it! ...Maybe you shouldn't take this research up after all...

Randy: No! I will find out what Engelem is up to this time, and then I will shut that madman down for good and at the same time get the recognition I deserve!

Rebecca: But you're stuck here...

Rqandy: Oh well, I guess I can still dream...

...suddenly, Randy's cell phone rings ...he frowns at the display name and  answers it looking none too happy, "yes Mom...what is it?"

Cut back to our trio and an overturned truck.

Roy, scratching his head, "what was this guy hauling anyway? has anybody even checked?" 

Guy slobbers, "it didn't blow after all?"

Roy opens the back doors to find a completely empty truck.

Hamburg, "I'm surprised really; usually everything explodes nuclear-style for no good reason in these types of films"

Roy, seemingly irritated, "well, what do we do now?"

Hamburg, "we walk along...and try to hitchhike!"

Guy studders, "tha...that, that doesn't seem-se-seem very safe!"

Hamburg, "look buddy...it's right here in the script" Hamburg shows the others the script"

Roy, "screw that script...let's start walkin' -there's no one around anyway so hitchhiking is out of the question"

The trio starts their very long walk in the desert.  They walk for several hours and not a single car passes them.  They are hungry ...and out of water.  Guy gets the bright idea to break open a nearby cactus and drink from it.  The other two follow and they continue to walk.

After about 45 minutes, Roy starts to feel kinda funny, "I think ...um...oh my...what the hell is that?!" as he points at absolutely nothing" before trippin hardcore, flapping his arms around like a bird.

Guy, "uhhhh blecckk!" and ralphs all over himself

Hamburg stops and stares at his hand for a brief second, which to him feels like an eternity; he speaks in ultra slow motion, "butterflies...flowers...she's my flower and she's mine!"

The three get way off course and end up lost in the huge sand dunes of a mega desert, tripping balls, mimicking that silly scene in Young Guns.

Roy, "you guyz!  youguysssss - did you see the size of that goddamned chicken?!"

<as your standard Pink Floyd song starts playing in the background>

Hamburg has a hallucinatory visual flashback nature call , which goes a little something like this...

GENERAL ALFRED  HAMBURG! YOU ARE SENTENCED  TO 1 MACRO-CENTURY IN THE SUBSTANCE  ZONE FOR HIGH TREASON AGAINST BIG BENSONNN!!!

Hamburg: The grand inquisitorrrrrrrrr (The "R" echoes throughout the entire rest of the sequence), he's caught me! I cannot believe he caught me!1!! I should just kill myself now!

I wouldn't do that... dying in the  substance zone means complete negation of self! as your form disappears, your soul is negated!

Hamburg: I'll die now then, before I get there!

too late!

Hamburg is poofed to the dimension of infinite substance!

Hamburg: APPLES! ORANGES! THE INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE! THEY ALL EXIST AT ONCE!

Don't give them those names! They  don't have names here, only forms! Now, try to cling to your "ideas" and "thought"!  Tell me: Is it safe?

Hamburg: Ummmm... I- I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

Answer the question! Issss The Warren Commission truuueee??

Hamburg: GOVERNMENT BALONEY!! You keep switching questions, just when I was about to answer the first one, well jokes on you! I actually know this one! TRUE! The government made up all that double-evidence to make everyone else confused!

Wrong!  You killed him!

Hamburg: Noi!

You killed them all!

Hamburg: I killed no one! We were in college! College pseudo-government studies! They would have died anyway!

Now, you  will join them!

Hamburg: I'll never!

You have no choice!  WE ARE EVERYWHERE

The substance zone collapses around Hamburg and.... He wakes up, sleepwalking in the desert

Hamburg: Huh... They never were there, were they? That's pretty silly once you think of it... I feel better than I have in years!

Hamburg looks out to the desert, seeing Las Vegas gleam in the distance. Symbolism!

CUT TO GUY STUMBLING MINDLESSLY THROUGH A CANYON

Guy: Woooooowwwww

In one of the mountains is a cave, which Guy enters, in the cave there is an old, seemingly half-dead man, played by someone who may just be dead already

Man: helllo

Guy: HI.

Man: Are you lost, or are you just wandering?

Guy: I dunno... I lost The Mister Man and General Joe

Man: Well now that you are alone with me... maybe you can find your guide, you are already a quarter of the way there.

Guy: Vegas?

Man: No

Guy: California?

Man: No.

Guy: Washington?

Man: You are too concerned with this existance, what you need is to find the other plane

Guy: A plane?

Man: Ahh, no, the mode of transportation you will find is much more potent, perhaps not faster, perhaps not as effective, but better...

Guy: Peeeaaaceee :(

Man: Yes, peace... We can begin now.

The two sit over a very smoky fire...

MEANWHILE, ROY HAS BEEN WALKING BLANK-EYED THROUGH THE STREETS OF LAS VEGAS WHEN HE SUDDENLY BECOMES MORE LUCID, LOOKING BACK AT ALL THE PEOPLE STARING AT HIM

Roy: Ohhh, s**tttt

Random guy: Dirty hippie! This isn't New York!

Roy: You're right! At least I'm somewhere!

Random guy: Dirty hippie!

Roy ducks into an alley, quickly realizing this is insane, he tries to duck out of the alley, but is held back by a shadowy figure!

Figure: Stay here!!

Roy: What are you?!

The figure emerges from the shadows, dressed in hand-me-downs and played by Judd Nelson

Figure: I'm Horace Brackenberg, you are a zomboid!

Roy: A what?

Horace: It's not an official term, but it's a frankenstein monster, a man put together with the parts of other beings! It's beautiful really, you can make your limbs sentient, disconnect pain receptors...

Roy: But I'm not from other beings, I guess I was just taken apart and put back together... well... 75% anyway.

Horace: It doesn't matter! You are amazing! I must have you!

Roy: Oh God, you're worse than Hamburg....

Horace: Hamburg? As in THE GENERAL Hamburg?

Roy: ...A friend of his?

Horace: I wish! Sure I've met with him, done work with him, known him since grade school, read all his autographed books, but I am still unworthy of the General's approval!

Roy: Oh geez...

Horace: The General is a one man stand against the metaphysical government! He was last known establishing surveillance equipment in some woods a few miles up from here.

Roy: Down from here, in South America

Horace: Obviously, he hasn't shown you the uberhypertheoretical version of the globe yet.

Roy: Sigh...

Horace: Where is Hamburg now?

Roy: We sort of got split up, drank from the wrong cactus

Horace: Ahh, maybe the right cactus! Right for the government!

Horace looks around

Horace: Hey man... I'll get you wherever you need to go, man.

Roy: Except Washington... Am I right?

Horace: Exactly! He's taught you something.

Roy: Oh geez, I wish he wasn't...

CUT TO: COMMANDER/CORPORAL JIM HIKING THROUGH THE WOODS AND ON TO THE STREET IN HOT PURSUIT OF THE FLED EXPERIMENTS, WHEN HE SEES THE DANCE MASSACRE BETWEEN NINJAS AND TRUCKERS, HE RADIOS THE MAJOR

Jim: Major! Are you in?

Major (Inattentively): Yes.

Jim: I've discovered a scene where our quarry may have been, I'll be tracking them.... Northleft

Major: Okay. *Hangs up*

Jim does a few faux tracking maneuvers before just starting to follow the road, while trying to scale the upturned truck in the road instead of going around it, he is disturbed by a scraping sound. It is the Z'Dar driver again, rising to confront the corporal

Driver: What are you doing on my truck, bub?

Jim: Sorry citizen, I'm a US Marshall, and I'm here pursuing an important quarry, have you seen any mutant freaks or obsessed paramilitary spies around here?

Driver: Who you callin' a citizen?

The driver comes closer, ready to brawl

Jim: s**t, this looks like a situation!

Jim throws down his AK-47 and whips out a large commando knife at breakneck speed

Driver: You call that a knife?

Driver whips out his larger knife and readies for battle

Driver: Now I'll tear you worse than I did those "Do not remove" tags...

Jim: Bring it...

The two have a knife fight (obviously)! jim, despite being an idiot, is quite well-versed at that knife between fingers game and applies this to his swordplay. The driver is no pansy himself, and the two fight for their lives, mostly Jim, whose various clothes are torn to shreds by the barrage, which does in fact bring out the pansy in him

Jim: Hey, non-citizen, we're pretty evenly matched, how about we call it a draw and you tell me where my quarry headed

Driver thrusts his knife down on Jim, who ducks, as the knife gets stuck in the Driver's trailer

Jim: Who's your daddy now?!

Driver, with a heavy slap knocks Jim's knife out of his hand and hunches over for a one-on-one fight

Jim: Crap! Hey man... we're both disarmed, can we call it a draw now, that would be a very... *gulp* manly thing!

Driver shows no intention of stopping his slow gait

Jim: All right! *Gulp* If you really want to die!

Jim charges for the driver's gut, the camera cuts from one fighter to the other, almost guaranteeing a final exchange of blows... until a car comes speeding down the highway and crashes into the upturned trailer! At last, the fiery explosion finally occurs, seemingly consuming all parties

BACK TO THE DESERT, GENERAL HAMBURG INCHES TOWARDS VEGAS, FINALLY COLLAPSING ON THE DOORSTEP OF A DELICATESSEN

Hamburg: Never the luck...

An enraged man in a tux (Don Niam) slams open the doors, accompanied by two similarily clad heavies to see who this uninvited patron is, lifting up his head

Tuxedo man (Irritated): Oh, it's him... *Evil grin* Bring him around the back, boys...

They do, to the apathy of a few bystanders on the street...

The two heavies (Gwedo and Bruno) drag Hamburg by the dumpster and Tuxedo man gives him a good slap, "so...you thought you could get away with stiffing me with that phone bill, didn't ya?"

Hamburg, a bit dizzy from the b***hslap looks up into the Tuxedo Man's eyes and recognizes him as one of his former college roommates, "Don?!"

...another smack, "it's Don Don now ...and I want my money for that phone bill!  You stiffed me with that bill with all those 900 numbers!"

Hamburg, "that wasn't me...I swear I didn't call them...besides, you still have my beta-max player...what happened to tha..."  -his sentence is interrupted by another smack followed by a punch in the gut from Gwedo.

Don Don, "so...you don't remember calling 1-900-Nuns-4-Fun?  or 1-900-Clown-Porn?!  Do you know what kinda reputation I had to live with because of you?!"

Hamburg spits blood at him, "I told you ...it wasn't me...ya lousy...stinkin...Comm Major!"

Don Don grabs Hamburg by the throat, "that sounds like more of the White Man's Lies (TM) ...you know I was gettin' my degree in theater!  Boys, take him to the dock and do something terrible.  I'll be conveniently elsewhere in the event he might escape."

Gwedo and Bruno scratch their heads at that last request considering they are in the middle of a desert ...but they shrug.  The two goons drag Hamburg off screen when Don Don makes a call on his cell phone, "yes, make him an offer he can't refuse...and if he refuses...put Quick Draw Mcgraw's head in his bed...that will make him...oh hold on...I got an incoming call"

Don Don switches over, "what's up doc?"

Doc(tor) (Andrew Divoff): It's midnight Don.

Voice (from other room): Who you callin' don? I'm the don!

Doc: That's another day the old man lingers

Don: s**t! Come on, he's got another month, tops!

Doc: He's younger than you think

Don: Too young for my tastes! Dammit doc, can't you cut some corners, get him out at double-time? You are a doctor you know!

Doc: I may be a dirty doctor, but it's beyond anyything I know to try and speed this up any more

Voice: Try! I wanna be out of here by next week! Is Don on the phone?

Doc: Yeah

Voice: DONNIEE!! What's new?

Don: *sigh* Weirdest thing, remember Al Hamster? That guy, went to college with me, who tried to carry out some dumbass job to try an earn a favor, ended up using my old golden rotary to call for clown porn? just crawled up to my doorstep, half-dead, so, I told Gwedo and Bruno to "take the leftovers"

Voice (takes phone): Leftovers, huh? Hamburg? I know a Hamburg! Lemme talk to him!

Don: Don, I took Hamsturd to the docks way across town, he won't bother us anymore.

Old Don: Well get him back! We owe him a favor!

Don: God, Don! If you were 4 years younger and less brain damaged you would finish him too!

Old Don: Look, my mind's not what it used to be, so let's let this one schmuck take advantage of that, okay?

Don: You wouldn't have let him take advantage of you if you were 4 years younger and less brain damaged!

Old Don: Look, my mind's not what it used to be, so let's let this one schmuck take advantage of that, okay?

Don: aww, geez... Well, I'll see if I can make it in time, don't worry if I don't! *Hangs up* I'm gonna run things a bit differently when I get in charge...

DOWN AT THE DOCKS (IN NEW YORK, HOPEFULLY UNBEKNOWNST TO OUR AUDIENCE), THE TWO THUGS ARE PLAYING (MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE) WITH HAMBURG, HIS FEET COATED IN QUICK-DRYING CEMENT BEFORE THROWING HIM OFF, WHEN DON APPROACHES. HE SAYS NOTHING FOR A WHILE, UNTIL GWEDO ACTUALLY PUSHES HAMBURG OFF OF THE DOCK

Don: Allright boys, bring him up

Bruno: Wh-

Don: NOW!

Bruno dives to get Hamburg

Gwedo: The old-

Don: The old Don!

Bruno emerges with Hamburg

Hamburg: AHA! I knew someone owed me a favor! Good ol' Don Juan Bovi, he always like me!

Don: Let's get something straight, Hamsturd! No one owes you anything but a painful death, and the old don hates you, he's just too damn brain-damaged to know it!

Hamburg: How dare you speak that way about the don!

Don: Good God, he's only gonna be alive for a month tops... what a damn month...

Hamburg: That's a month you've gotta listen to me, shnooko!

Don: Guys, pick Hamster up and take him back to the restaurant.

Hamburg (Triumphantly): And it's Hamburg now!!

Bruno: He says it's Hamburg, boss

Don: No, it's not.

Fair enough, the Don's boys carry Hamster back to the restaurant.

IN HIS OFFICE, RANDY PHEARSON WATCHES VARIOUS NEWS STORIES ON TELEVISION, HE COMES ACROSS THE FIERY EXPLOSION CAUSED BY THE CAR HITTING THE DRIVER'S TRAILER.

Announcer: It is supposed that the Commander was the only survivor of the conflict. He had very little to say to us when we asked what motivated the struggle, he only told us that he was on the trail of a gang of zombie freaks, which he claimed were created by the thought dead Dr. Jonas Engelem. He allowed our reporters to follow him as he made his way towards the Las Vegas area.

Phearson: That's it!

Phearson clears his desk in one sweep of his arm, picking a few files off and taking a tote bag off the floor. He makes his way towards a big official room at the end of his hall and walks inside to confront his hardassed boss

Phearson: Mr. Dumas!

Bossman: That's "doom-boss"!

Phearson: I don't care! I'm going to investigate the Engelem thing! I'll be taking a leave.

Dumbass: A LEAVE?? you're fired!

Phearson: You can't fire me!

Dumbass: And why not?

Phearson: Because... if you fired me I would logically be hired by another in a matter of days. I would, of course go to one of those research businesses slightly under yours, and while the new company would overtake this one in a few months, this one would become slowly less respected and production would fall 200%

Dumbass (in tears): I hate you, Phearson!

Phearson: And I request that Rebecca go with me!

Dumbass: Dr. Forster? I can't let you do that, she's working on some important triviality right now!

Phearson: She can take a leave from that too!

Dumbass: If you take her, she's fired!

Phearson: Then she'll be fired!

Dumbass: Okay, she is!

Randy storms out of the boss's room, nearly running into Rebecca on the way out

Randy: Rebecca, there you are.

Rebecca: Yes.

Randy: I'm sorry... Dumbass just fired you.

Rebecca: W-Why...

Randy: He wouldn't let you go with me to investigate the Engelem case... I insisted and...

Rebecca: Ohh... you're so brave, but you didn't have to do that for me, I was already on the Engelem case.

Randy: Well now we'll work together, pack your things and meet me at my electric car!

Rebecca: I'll be right there!

Randy leaves, as we follow rebecca to her office. Inside, we see that everything has been destroyed. Rebecca is dumbfounded! A random employee barges in after her with a large titanium rectangle and a pink slip

Random employee: Oh... looks like somebody beat me here.

Rebecca: um..yeah

She frantically searches through the mess looking for her super secret brief case that had the only printouts of any clues she has found thus far, "dammit all to hell -it's gone!"

Security shows up due to her loud cursing and they escort her out.  She meets up with Randy at his car and gives him the bad news.

Randy, "well, looks like it was a great time for me to have borrowed this!" as he pulls out her lap top Commodore 64C computer!"

Rebecca, astounded, "yes! but...um...why did you borrow that in the first place?"

Randy, "well, I was in the mood to play some Donkey Kong late last night and your computer was the only one old enough to run it"

They hop in the car and start heading out, rather quickly...well as quick as his electric car can go at a whole 30MPH.

Rebecca, "where are we going in such a hurry?"

Randy, "we're trying to get away from THEM!" as he points to a couple suit-wearing moped riders that are closing in on in the rear view mirror as the other traffic zips by the lot of them like they aren't even moving.

Randy dodges left and right, trying to loose the moped riders but he just can't shake 'em.  We get a bird's eye view of this slow motion car chase for a few moments.  He darts off and around a corner as fast as it's possible and heads through a tunnel, but they still persue, "I can't shake these bastards!"

Rebecca, "oh yeah, watch this" as she pulls out some strange electrical gun and zaps one of the mopeds, which shuts down the moped engine before blowing up near-nuclear style, but the other moped rider dodges the explosion no problem!

Randy, "dayum!"

Rebecca, "damn is right...it was a one-charge gun!  What do we do now?!"

Randy, "wait!  there's my uncle's restaurant ...stop there!"

The two manage to travel from California to Las Vegas in seconds, to arrive at Don Don's delicatessan thingy

Phearson: Here it is!

Rebecca: This is your uncle's restaurant?

Phearson: Step-uncle.

The two go inside, and are greeted by Don himself

Don: Ah, a fair lady, how nice to-

Don sees his nephew, well step-nephew

Don: You!? Ohh, it's you... who is this?

Phearson: This is my gir- um.. love- um.. bi- um.. se- um.. co-worker, Rebecca Forster.

Rebecca: This is your uncle?

Don: Step-uncle.

Rebecca: Which means?

Phearson: It means that during a hypothetical moment of high-duress, I won't hesitate to kill him.

Don growls, Phearson sneers, a voice comes from another room

Hamburg: Donnie! I need you in here!

Don: s**t!!

Don sulkily storms in, Randy and Rebecca follow, curious

Don: Stay away!

They don't, and follow Don into the back-room. Inside is Hamburg, still encased in concrete shoes

Hamburg: Another free meal!

Don: Oh, comon Hamster, you're getting fat, that doesn't help you in going against the government or whatever!

Hamburg: Yeah, but this is Mafia food! Some of the rare food that no government has no hand in, I feel better than I have in years! Speaking of, can I go out to the back kitchen where you torture informants and grind them up to put in the "members-only" specials? You know, those government agents are filled with all kinds of nutrients...

Don: Get him the damn special...

Waiter: "that" special?

Don: I wish...

Don exits the room, pushing the others out with him

Don: So why are you here?

As if on cue, the second moped rider speeds up to the restaurant!

Rebecca/Randy: That's why!

Don: Gwedo, Bruno, get in here!

Don, Randy, Rebecca, and the heavies appear at the front door, Don and the heavies pick up three tommyguns and fill the moped full of lead! The thing explodes.

Don: Now tell me, why are you two darkening the doorstep of this fine restaurant-

They are about to tell him, when the moped man emerges, he's part robot! It begins heavily pacing towards the door

Rebecca: Oh no!

Gwedo and Bruno: Oh no!

Suddenly, Hamburg enters, cement shoes broken into individual shoes, with a home-made grenade, ready to save the day!

Hamburg: Stand back! This'll be messy!

Hamburg chucks the grenade at the robot rider, which does not do anything, and barely distracts the machine

Hamburg: Ignore that.

Hamburg shuffles away again, leaving our frightened heroes and annoyed Don

Don: dammit, I thought I wouldn't have to do this...

Don takes out an overly-elaborate remote control from his tux, and presses a button on it. Suddenly, a nuclear-explosion-esque-explosion comes from the precise spot the robo-rider was on and blows it to kingdom come!

Don: Now tell me.

cut to Don escorting the others across the restaurant

Don: You mean to tell me that you are on the trail of a mad scientist and some zombie-freak experiements? That's the most ridiculous story I have ever heard!

Phearson: It's true! I can understand if you don't believe us, but-

Don: Actually, Hamster in the back has been rambling on about that very subject for quite a while now

The trio (sans the heavies) meet Hamburg, still trying to shuffle back to his room

Hamburg: I know some zomboids...

BACK AROUND ENGELEM'S LAB, THIS TIME THE COMPLEX IS ACTUALLY SURROUNDED BY WOODS FOR EFFECT, THE MAJOR IS CAMPING OUT WHEN...

Commando: Sir! Subordinate Vernon has been missing for 2 minutes now sir!

Major: As I ordered, he's looking around that Engelem character's lab for clues

Lzesl enters from the woods, somehow furthur unharmed

Lzesl: Bah! I can't find them anywhere, if I didn't know better I'd say that they're not even in the woods anymore... Oh, I suppose you are the interlopers Engelem told me to destroy whenever possible?

Major: I'll take note of that for whenever possible

Lzesl: Ah, so you are. I am Dr. Lzesl, Dr. Engelem's partner, I'll help you set up some arrangements here- ...but you're on your own after that...

LOOKING UP FROM LZESL'S FACE AND INTO THE TREETOPS, WE SEE SEVERAL CYBORG PROBOSCIS MONKEYS MENACINGLY LOOKING DOWN ON THE CREW

Major: I think we'll make our own tents.

Lzesl: You need not make the effort, there are hmhmhmmm, 11 of you? I was informed of 12.

INSIDE THE BUILDING, VERNON SNEAKS AROUND DOING MUNDANE STUFF AROUND ENGELEM'S LABS

Vernon: Very interesting indeed

Vernon suddenly notices the spot in the floor Engelem told them to step on earlier, suspicious, he approaches the panel closer and closer until he finally stops directly on top of it. Surprise, surprise, a secret door opens below Vernon, letting him fall into darkness below! From the pit we hear lots of screaming (from Vernon) and snarling (from something else)

OUTSIDE

Major: It's only because I'm twice the man.

Lzesl (shrug): I can live with that

OUT ON THE ROAD, WE SEE THE OUTSIDER (from a weird side-angle where we still don't see it's face of main body) SNIFF AROUND ON THE GROUND, GROWL AND FOLLOW THE PATH TO VEGAS

The camera shows the backside of the beast from quite a distance...it's shadow immense, walking towards the great city of Vegas.  It is illuminated from the great flashing lights of the city of sin!  At the edge of the town it is passed by two tripped out guys in a caddy who wiz on by while the debris kicks up as they wigg out completely, not knowing if what they saw was even real.  The driver drops his cigarrette and they drive on.  The beast growls with annoyance and screams.

It stomps into the bright lights of the big city faster than "sheeewsh!" creating havoc at once!  Each step makes the ground quake, smashing the windows of any nearby buildings.  It starts thrashing everything in sight!  Prostitutes, gamblers, two-bit magicians, Elvis impersonators, and drunks scatter, running like Hell as the beast clotheslines the corner of nearby buildings, smashing them to bits and sending chuncks of wall and mortar into the streets!  Bloody bodies and smashed cars litter the streets.  We only see the backside of this hairy beast that has somehow grown to nearly two stories high!

Emergency vehicles show up to no avail!  The great beast grabs a cop car and flings it upsidedown onto other cars...it grabs a fire truck and starts spinning it around, slamming it into an Elvis shrine pyramid thingy.  Electric bolts surge everywhere, causing all sorts of explosions and fires!  The monster grabs two coppers, clutching their throats, one in each hand before delivering a double-choke slam from Hell(TM).  The city goes wild!

More cops show up to receive more chokeslams, one after another (it's the shadow beast's trademark move apparently).  Reporters show up with mics and cameras, snapping flash after flash, asking the most retarded questions, which only infuriates the great beast. 

But this beast isn't in the mood for any interviews.  After it utterly destroys the papparazzi(sp?) faster than Bjork mauled that reporter in Thailand, it finally gets close enough to the camera that we can see its horrible face!

Anyone left alive in the area screams to high heaven...the beast's face is a cross between...

We don't get to see the beast's face, for it cuts away yet again to Commander Jim assaulting the monster with a hailstorm of bullets! We then see the monster's face as it turns around, the Outsider's gruesome visage resembles that of an elephant crossed with a rhino. On the tip of the Outsider's trunk there is a large horn, the which he uses to unceremoniously impale Jim, throw him a few miles away, and walk on

ON THE STREET, ROY AND HORACE LOOK UP AT THE OUTSIDER, STUNNED!

Roy: Oh my God, that's that monster from Engelem's lab!

Horace says nothing, but simply runs off, leaving Roy

Roy: Oh come on!

Roy takes off after Horace, the Outsider behind him. Tensely the chase appraoches Don's restaurant.

IN DON'S RESTAURANT, DON, RANDY, REBECCA, AND HAMBURG (taking loger to painfully slide in the cement shoes) HEAR THE OUTSIDER'S RAMPAGE, THEY LOOK OUTSIDE TO SEE THE OUTSIDER SNATCH ROY IN HIS TRUNK.

From The Outsider's trunk sprouts a mass of tentacles

Roy: It's assimilating me!

Thankfully, before this can happen Gwedo, Bruno, and Hamburg reach the door, the former two armed with tommy guns

Horace: Look Roy! It's General Hamburg! He'll save us!!

Brackenberg runs toward Hamburg, but, it's too late for him as he is slammed against the wall by The Outsider's trunk. The two heavies fire wildly into The Outsider, but instead only manage to hit Roy over and over, tearing him in two. Thankfully this allows him to fall out of The Outsider's grip, hurt but basically unarmed. His one-armed body picks up his one-armed chest and both parts make a break for the restaurant, where they disappear inside the building. The patrons, albeit apathetic about the tommyguns are rather flabbergasted by the appearance of the patchwork man. Meanwhile, The Outsider itself unharmed easily chokeslams Gwedo. The force of this blow makes the ground shake and the front of the building fall, barely missing our protagonists. Unsatsified, The Outsider roars and makes it's way away from Las Vegas, smashing everything in it's path and disappears offscreen.

INSIDE THE WRECKED RESTAURANT, EVERYONE IS COVERED WITH VARIOUS INJURIES, TRYING TO PULL THEMSELVES TOGETHER (Roy in a literal way)

Don: What was that?

Hamburg: I suppose I could tell you... I don't know. But I can theorize that it was Dr. Engelem's greatest, most evil experiment ever!

Phearson: And is this one of Engelem's experiments too?

Roy: ...Yeah...

Bruno and Don start pushing rocks to make an exit, they uncover Gwedo, then Brackenberg, both possibly dead

Roy: Poor crazed fool

Hamburg: Yeah, the poor lunatic... Who was it anyway?

From off the screen, a bleeding Jim stumbles up to the others!

Commander Jim: 39 steps...

And with this, our once major character speaks his perhaps final words

Commander Jim: ...Is boring as hell

And collapses

OUTSIDE ENGELEM'S LAB

Major: Now that Mr. Hunchback is gone, we can really start to drill this son of a-

Shot out from a spout outside comes Subordiante Vernon with a spray of blood!

Major: WHAT'S-HIS-FAAAACCCEEE!!!!!!!

The Major dashes over to his subordinate, torn and battered

Vernon: Watch... that... second... step...

Vernon falls limp. Close up on the Major with murder in his eyes

AND INSIDE THE LAB WITH AN ANGRY ENGELEM

Engelem: Curse Commander Jim! Curse that major! Curse the government of Las Vegas![/i]

Lzesl: Umm, sir... I've received word that The Outsider escaped from conflict unharmed

Engelem's mood instantly changes

Engelem: HAHAA! Excellent! Those fools thought they could destroy my greatest creation?? Wait till my plan really begins!

Engelem then inexplicably activates the trap-hole again, and Lzesl falls through into the other beast's lair

Lzesl: AAAAAAA!!!!!!! What'd you do that for!?

Engelem: I was caught up in the moment, sorry.

Lzesl: GET ME OUTTA HERREEEE!!!

Engelem: Wait just a second, I'll get the rope!

Engelem begins messing with some stuff as we cut to...

...the fire place in the dark cave with Guy and the old man in the mountain in the canyon in the desert...just outside of Vegas!

Guy, sitting across the fire from the old man, "so...um...what is it you want old dude...cause you're kinda creepin' me out"

Old Man, "you want this...don't you" as he gestures to a toy light saber sitting on the arm rest of his chair"

Guy, "no"

Old Man, "NO?!"

Guy, "yeah man, I'm more of a Trekkie than a Star Wars geek!"

Old Man, "ahh that will change...once you get OLDER!"

Guy, freaked out, stands up, knocking over his chair by the fire, in the cave, in the mountain, in the canyon, in the desert, near Vegas, "how could you know that?!"

Old Guy, "because I'm you ya dork, only much older! I've traveled back in time to warn you...and prepare you"

Guy, "prepare me for what? what warning?!"

Old Guy, "the beast has one weakness and only one weakness ...one thing that will repel the horrible monstrosity ...so you can save your friends!"

Guy, "I don't have any friends... those others...they were just in the cloning tanks next to mine..."

Old Guy, "shudddup!  Take this ...it is the ultimate weapon ...show it to the beast"

The Old Guy hands Guy a bootleg copy of...

MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE.

Old Guy: I didn't really get it, but it looked like everyone else did, kept saying "gimme the tape, you fuggin' idiot!" And the rest... is history

Guy: And in your futuree this... SAVED THE WOOOOORRRRRLLLLD??

Old Guy: I dunno, I kinda fell backwards into a time-portal with it and ended up here, but I hope they got out alright even without it, eh?

Guy: Probably not.

Old Guy: You're probably right.

Guy: Now, if this tape is the only thing I need to SAVE THE WORLD-

Old Guy: You need to learn balance... physical balance so you don't fall into any time portals. ...Or big trap holes

Guy: Cool! Do I fall into any in of those?

Old Guy: No, but I do! Anything you can teach me about balance?

Guy: Well, before you can walk, you need to learn how to step.

Old Guy: Good! We'll start there. Now, before you can walk, we need to learn how to step. First, you lift your leg...

MEANWHILE BACK IN THE CRUSHED RESTAURANT, WHILE EVERYONE HAS THE OBLIGITORY SCARS, RANDY AND REBECCA MANAGE TO PUSH FORWARD ENOUGH TO TRY AND PATCH EVERYONE UP

Phearson: We'll need everyone's help: First we need to find out how to beat that thing, once we do that, we can harvest it's corpse and track the raw material back to Engelem!

Roy: Hey, mr. scientist. I still remember, I can take you back to Engelem

Phearson: Alright then, first, we'll call the authorities to hold that thing off, then we'll go to Engelem's lab and beat the secret to defeating it out of him... And it's Randy

Roy: I'm Roy, and we still need to beat that thing first!

Phearson: Do you realize how much time that would waste?

Roy: It's minorly wounded, we need to get it before it recovers... it's tracking me, we'll have to face it down either way, so we should do it now, while all of us are still alive

They look towards the grievously injured bodies of Jim, Gwedo, and Horace, all on stretchers

Rebecca: Someone needs to stay here to help them.

Don: I can help them.

Don produces a revolver, putting it to Brackenberg's head

Phearson: No!

Hamburg: WAAAIITT!!

Don: WHAT??

Hamburg: You can't do that!

Don: Why not?

Hamburg: Mafioso's honor!

Don: There is no mafiso honor! The Godfather gave us that stupid image!

Sad and mad looks from everyone else

Don: Okay, either they go, or they go!

Rebecca: They're injured...

Don: I can't just force the customers to go with us to be fodder!

Rebecca: Why do they have to go?

Don: They can still be some much-needed help, and they don't have the consciousness to decide for themselves, let's move out!

Meanwhile, in a small bunker in the middle of the desert near Las Vegas....

Keenan McDaniels (played by Josh Hartnet), clad in desert cam, gazing outside, a machine gun in one hand and a radio in other. He is talking to someone over the radio.

Keenan: No sign of the target or anything, for that matter, Major. When the hell do I get to pull out of here? I'm hungry, tired, thirsty, and possibly going insane.

Major: (replying over the radio) You'll stay out there until The Outsider reaches your position, then you call the air strike, then you can drag your whiny carcass back to Tokyo, understood Captain?

Keenan: Understood sir. (flicks radios off) Now where did I put those scotch and burgers?

Keenan locates a crate of scotch and gets saucy.

Keenan, drunk as hell, thinks he sees the Outsider, "duuuar-der it is...I'm gonna <slur> ...I said...I said I'ma gonna getcha! <ralphs on himself>

He turns to no one in particular and slurs, "waaatch dis s**t" as he calls in an airstrike using an experimental rocket spiked with some strange chemicals"

Unfortunately for Rosie O'Donnel, she didn't see this strike coming...she's blasted into a nuclear mushroom cloud, which sends her staggering off into the desert...befuddled, but not down.  She stomps mindlessly and somewhat zombie-like towards the city of Vegas, moaning the yard.  Vegas, already burning from the other beast becomes fixated in her hungry eyes.  She lurches on...

About this time...Guy rushes out of the cave, stumbling up out of the valley with his copy of Manos.  He sees a '79 Pinto nearby and he somehow slides his zombie body over the hood of the car in an over-the-top Dukes of Hazzard-style melodrama, hops in through the window, pulls down the visor, grabs the keys and starts 'er up.  Someone left a disco 8-track in the player, which blares KC and the Sunshine band.

The engine roars as Guy does a few dusty donuts in the desert sand, bustin his ass pronto towards Las Vegas!  Ok, well not really pronto as we get some Manos-style slow driving footage for a very long time...a very long time.

Meanwhile...

The Outsider is still choakslamming everything it encounters to hell.

Major: (over radio to Keenan): A radar satellite picked up the airstrike. Is the Outsider eliminated?

Keenan: (instantly sobers up, whispering): Oh s**t. Oh s**t! *throws away scotch* I've gotta leave that stuff alone until the victory party. I'll have to make up a little white lie for now... *into radio* Uh... no, The Outsider isn't down, but the airstrike hurt him pretty bad. If you could get some fighter jets or attack choppers in here, that should finish him off.

Major: Alright, F-22s on the way. Stay around and watch the fireworks, will ya?

Keenan: Will do, sir. *puts radio away* Ok, that should do it. But I still oughta leave the booze alone until we're sure the mission's acomplished... A few cheeseburgers won't hurt, though.

We flash back to Guy's boring Manos-style footage of driving.  He hits a bump on the road and spills his coffee next to the mustard-stain on his Bobba Fett t-shirt, "damn it all to hell!"

When he looks up, he sees a hitchiker standing off the side of the road so naturally, he slows down to get a better look.  After looking over the stranger and deducing he's not very threatening, he stops to let him in.

The gentleman (played by Panthro) is a tall, slender African American with a mustache and goatee, dressed in a very classy black suit with a red tie and a black top hat.  He carries a walking cane in one hand and a violin case in the other. 

He does a Dukes of Hazzard slide through the window on the passenger's side.  In a British accent, he introduces himself, "Hi Guy...they call me Scratch" and as he says this, we the audience hear an evil hiss of a cello in the background. 

Guy looks back and forth and behind the seat, "what was that sound? where is it coming from?"

Scratch, "oh that...that's nothin' -don't worry about that"

Guy, who kinda reminds me of Chris on the Family Guy suddenly realizes that this hitchhiker knew his name...but then he forgets about that before he can mention it because he's distracted by the bobble-head on the dash and the fuzzy dice, "wooow fuzzy dice."

The camera catches the view of the very vulnerable tail end of the Pinto as it speeds off towards the sunset as we hear more evil hissing music in the background.

Meanwhile...

Cut back to Keenan and the Major.

Major: Would you like some milk and coooooooooooookies?

Keenan: You betcha Major.

The Major steps outside into the hot desert oven returning with some cookies.

Keenan: Kickass, cookies! Wait... How'd you get here? We were several dozen miles away from each other.

Major: When you get promoted, Captain, you'll be able to do al kinds of awesome stuff like teleport. Now have some cookies!

Keenan: Don't mind if I do, sir!

Meanwhile, The Outsider is...

meanwhile...the outsider is thrashing around one of Trump's casinos.  The bright lights do nothing but further infuriate the great beast.  He stomps around, shaking the ground and smashing buildings like Yongary does to a cardboard box.

Suddenly, tanks roll up and start firing on the beast.  A couple planes emerge from out west and machine gun fire rips into the beast, but it just makes it more irate.  It does a running jump onto a tank, smashing it to bits and hurls the remains into the on-coming plane, which naturally crashes into the other plane.  The other tank decides to head on out.  A rocket-launching truck pulls up, but due to it's lower-cost, offshore construction, it naturally doesn't fire like it's supposed to, not that the rocket would really do any good to this beast!

Just when the audience thinks the commotion is over we hear the sputtering engine of an old s**tty Pinto...but somewhat worse, we also hear a dreadful moan from another lurking beast, who's just come upon the east side of town...it's Rosie!

Rosie, with knuckles dragging, fixes her eyes on the Outsider and moans a dreadful tune, "baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrr!"

Outsider, looking back, gives her the a***ole Look(TM) and gestures to bring it on, "grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwl!"

Rosie seems to accept the challenge and starts her juggernaut-like run, starting slow but quickly gaining speed, waddling to and fro...she trashes right over a giant Elvis statue, "raaaaaaaaaawr" heading right for the Outsider.

The Outsider, looking excited to have some kind of challenge, stomps towards the chemically-enhanced zombie Rosie, trashing a few more buildings and choke slamming a few bystanders on the way...

They meet in the center of town, crashing into one another, causing a near-earthquake ...right in front of...

......Big Bertha's house who comes downstair due the noisy interuption of a rerun of WHAT'S HAPPENING. Enraged Big Bertha choke slams Rosie into granuals of sand forming a land bridge between the Eastern United States and the European continent. Big Bertha then looks to The Outsider. The Outsider looking at Big Bertha shrugs his shoulders.

The Outsider: I didn't do anything.

Big Bertha runs upstairs and comes down with some suitcases and skips off towards Europe and The Outsider follows...............
 

(oops forgot about the land bridge there...sorry)

The Outsider is madly in love with Big Bertha (played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit); it was love at first choke slam.  It is finally lulled enough to relax a little, following her like a love sick puppy.  He hops in the luggage compartment of the plane she just boarded... somehow secretly...seen only by Guy as he approaches in his sputtering car.

Guy and Scratch pull up in the dusty rusty Pinto just as the plane leaves the airport.  Guy studders and sobs a bit while holding his copy of Manos towards the sky, "I didn't even get to use it!" - he turns to look but Scratch is gone...only his violin case remains.   

Guy grabs the case and gets out of the Pinto just as everyone else arrives in the Don's A-Team van (queue A-Team music theme)

Roy: "they got away!"

Hamburg jumps out the back of the van in an over-the-top and totally unecessary action roll: "Where did they go?!"

Melvin Nossex, poking his head out the passenger window: "what the hell is goin' on here?

Don Don: "who the hell are you?"

Guy, "d-d-damn...there's t-too many peeps to keep track of!"

Roy, "stop ending your sentences with a preposition!"

Keenan stumbles out of the van, "how the hell did I get here!"

Major (on the phone, screaming at Keenan): "eat some more cookies and shuddup!"

Some old lady wakes up in the gravel nearby: "who the hell am I?!"

Rebecca, "man...we fit in that van like circus clowns!"

The voice in Don Don's head, "pancakes...pancakes!"

Goatee Ninja drops out from under the van (must have hitched a ride): "I'm still alive biatches! woooooooooooo"

Roy, "how do we catch them?!"

Rebecca, "look...we could use that land bridge to follow them"

Guy wimpers, "b-b-but where'd they go?"

Phearson: "I think...I think they went to Europe...more specifically, I think they're heading to...

dammit!i'm typing this AGAIN!!and still ignoring recent posts,as i haven't caught up..

meanwhile,back at the lab...t
Lsezl and engelem are bombarding peace's tube with red radiation when another of the lost monsrosities returns!it is a giant mosquito,with a human head.it is screaming'help me",while it divebombs into lsezl's throat.BUT...it immediately spiys out the blood,anmd tries for engelem..his blood is just as bad .apparently,as the creature begins to weep,and batter itself against peace's tube,screamimg"sweet blood,i must have sweet blood!"
engelem rushes to open the tube,as lsezl mans the camera,from a prudent distance..the creature hovers at the same distance,it seems to know that the docxtor is trying to help..
peace slowly and clumsily emerges from her induced coma,and the tube,while the creature latches onto her neck screaming"sweet blood!"she tears it away from her saying"you think i'm sweet?macho pig!i'll drink your blood,and find guy,my forever love!"
the camera zooms in to her face,and her stitches are all gone!she has become what looks like a normal human again,thanks to the radiation,combined with the creature's venom..

more tomorrow,if my isp quits screwing with me!!!!

Thanks 316Zombie :wink:

CUT TO: OUTSIDE THE LAB, MAJOR'S SOLDIERS ARE HARRASSING THE SOUTH AMERICAN MERCENARIES. ONE SOLDIER RADIOES THE MAJOR WITH THE NEWS

Soldier: We got towelheads sir! Found 'em sneaking around out here, probably hired by the doctor to cause some trouble

Mercenary: We do not have towels on our heads! And yes, we were working for the mad doctor until he put us under Senor Jim's command, now we are out here, with no where to go, nothing to do but be picked off by the deadly creatures of this forest.

Soldier: You scabs are easily manipulated, right? Maybe we could sucker you into fighting against Engelem for- erm... with us.

The mercenaries all look cycnically at each other

Mercenary: Eeh, what the hell...

Major (over radio): You should trust them... for now. They have untold instinctive knowledge of the woods

INSIDE THE LAB

Engelem and Lsezl have the mosquito monster pinned with a giant pin against a giant bulletin board. Maimed but alive, the thing buzzes furiously!

Engelem: Excellent! Now all I must do is rid myself of those meddlesome soldiers and monkey abominations and it will be at long last safe!

The cyborg monkeys in question are clearly visible as silhouettes in the upper windows

Lsezl: But what of the female Zomboid? She is escaping!

Engelem: It doesn't matter

Engelem pushes a button, which sends several jolts of electricity through the cork bulletin board, incapacitating the mosquito

Engelem: All that matters is my greatest work! ...and to a lesser extent that sea monster inhabiting my trap-door execution pit

Lsezl: What are you talking about? All of this is brilliant!

Engelem: I know, I am brilliant in all things... However, I like to concentrate on the "here" and "now" if you know what I mean ...And besides, we can't have you stealing any stray credit for my work, can we?

Lsezl: You bastard! I've wanted to do this for a loooooonnggggg-

A light on the sawblade, still embedded in Lsezl's face turns on, as Engelem presses a button on his mechanical arm, Lsezl is electrified!

Lsezl: G-gih...

Engelem: I couldn't hear the rest of that, those interlopers are interloping fast.

The soldiers and mercenaries walk towards Engelem's complex, as they do so, Peace nonchalantly walks by them towards California

Soldier 1: Who was that?

Soldier 2: Not our problem.

The soldiers suddenly charge, ramming in Engelem's door, only to discover that beyond it is another door, scattered with death spikes! The spikes impale the first row of rammers. The others struggle and get free from the narrow passage, pulling the dead soldiers and mercenaries off the spikes, soldier 1 comes up with another plan.

Soldier 1: Crap. Okay everyone! Ram with your arms outstretched!

They do, and ram the other door in! Unfortunately those who were not ramming at a breakneck pace are mowed down by a spinning drum! Ignoring the slaughter of the stragglers, as well as a hail of arrows impaling a few others, soldier 1 leads on!

Soldier 1: There he is!

Engelem: OH woe is me! ...I give up willingly, so just cross this large trap door and you can lock me up!

Soldier 1: Forget that, we're gonna rip your limbs off!

The soldiers charge again! I'll go without decribing the obvious and just say that the trap hole opens and the monster within devours all the soldiers but #1, who now faces Engelem one-on-one

Soldier 1: You tricked me you dirty bastard!

Engelem: Clever, aren't I?

Soldier 1: I can take you!

Engelem: I don't think so!

Engelem pulls back the sleeve on his robotic arm menacingly, only to discover that Soldier 1 is a complete badass. He tries to use the machine gun function on the arm to fill the soldier full of holes, but #1 superbly dodges, flipping Engelem onto the bulletin board as well! Soldier 1 is about to impale Engelem with a sharp pipe from nowhere, when Lsezl does the unexpected, saving Engelem's life by shooting the soldier!

Engelem: Hahaha! Good job, Lsezl!

Engelem expresses his gratitude, by shocking Lsezl again

Lsezl: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHHHHHYYYYY????????????

Engelem: I'm sorry, I didn't have any rewards planned... um... ...Hey, look!

ENGELEM LOOKS AT AN OMNISCIENT VIEWING SCREEN TO SEE THAT THE OUTSIDER, CHOOSING NOT TO TARGET A SINGLE CITY DESTROYS PARIS! LONDON! POLAND!

Engelem: This is very pleasing! Why... if I had any connections to the Nazi party or Josef Mengele whatsoever I would be even more ecstatic!

Lsezl: Uuunnnggg....

Engelem: We shall relocate to the similar-looking jungles of Africa. Pack our bags and set the self-destruct mechanism!

Lsezl begins stocking his hi-tech ATV, and he and Engelem board, leaving the base to explode in the back ground. Little do they know that they have a stowaway... one of the cyborg proboscis monkeys has hitched a ride...

EUROPE

Wherever the Outsider and Bertha go, death, destruction, and doom follow! Liberally retconning the creatures' sizes, The Outsider and Bertha knock over The Arc De Triomphe, Big Ben, The Eiffel Tower, Osaka Castle... ironically, the set for all this rampage takes place in Romania. In England (where the Outsider has just suddenly turned up), our heroes pursue the monster

Randy: Roy, remember when The Outsider began to assimilate you earlier?

Roy: Yes.

Randy: Well... What if the Outsider "assimilated" a few pounds of C4?

Guy: What?

Rebecca: It's entire structure would be annihilated!

Randy: Correct!

Rebecca: But where do we find a few pounds of C4?

Randy takes a small grenade from his step-uncle's person

Randy: Right here, baby!

With a throw not normally expected from a scientist, Randy throws the grenade directly into The Outsider's trunk. The Outsider begins to assimilate the grenade, then suddenly spits it out into the mass of good guys below! Luckily, it doesn't hit anyone important, just the stretcher containing Gwedo, which explodes, killing the minor cronie and harming no one else

Don: That was close!

Randy: It's getting smarter!

Both The Outsider and Big Bertha survey the protagonists with murder in their eyes. Suddenly, they are both implausibly distracted from their prey by a random explosion, which they go to investigate.

Melvin: That was crazy! Hey guys, what's going on?

Randy: It's getting smarter... but how much smarter can it get?

Voice (David Warner): Funny, I was about to ask you the same thing...

Everyone turns backward, gasping, behind them is a sole, official looking man, played by David Warner

Warner: my name is Monty Marenghi, I'm here to help... if you cooperate. I am with the British Library.

Randy: What?

Don: What?

even Brackenberg: What?

Melvin Nossex: Ohmygod! That crazy literati organization dedicated to dominating the world from Read Or Die!?!

Marenghi: Crazy? We prefer to call ourselves innovative and maybe determined.

Hamburg: ...At least it's not the CIA

BACK TO THE ROAD CONNECTING MEXICO AND CALIFORNIA, PEACE CONFRONTS A VERY CHARRED Z'DAR DRIVER

Peace: Um h-hello? I'm looking for 2 zombie-like creatures, have you seen them pass by here?

Driver: As a matter of fact I have...

Peace: Can you take me to them?

The driver surveys the wreck of dead bodies and abandoned trucks

Driver: This place is a graveyard...

Peace: ?

Peace looks worried as the trucker suddenly refuses to respond to her mannerable inquiries, looking only straight ahead, driving faster and faster...suddenly, he's driving like a maniac and his face lights up with an evil grin as some rather dreadful music plays in the background (not ABBA...but it could be)...

Cut back to England...amongst the carnage

Marenghi: "so...Melvin...you thought you could escape us?"

Melvin: "escape you? why wou..." -he's cut off by a punch to the gut.

Marenghi, punching him a few more times, matrix style: "you owe us 0.75$ for an over due book...'How to loose a girl in 10 days...in 3 days' and we want our money"

No one even attempts to stop the violence let alone react to it as they find Melvin rather annoying anyway.

Roy, "damn...they have an aggressive book return policy over here ...dude, you better pay the man"

Guy just stands around with his hand in his armpit making rude noises.

After a hellacious beating, Melvin finally pays him and he is released.

Randy, "yeah...don't p**s off these brits...and especially don't make fun of their beer!"

Rebecca, "I thought that was Canadians?"

Don Don, "them either"

Hamburg, distracted, looks rather worried as he peers down the street at an oncoming mob, "LOOKOUT!"

A mob of angry soccor (football) fans come charging through...and in a rage they topple the A-Team van, smashing it to bits.  While charging through our crowd of characters, they grab Melvin and stuff him into a nearby locker (yes...one's just sitting out on the street) before they charge off the screen.

The A-Team music comes to a halt...and everyone shrugs.

Roy, back to the point, asks Marenghi what it is that he wants.

Marenghi, "well...

Marenghi: Well isn't it obvious? We want the monster dead! We in England wouldn't have thought of such a ghastly thing, we prefer more thoughtful world-domination schemes... this is just messy.

Randy: Really? We actually wanted the exact same thing...

Marenghi: Well that certainly takes some of the fun out of torturing you for days, I suppose I should wish you good luck, but I don't quite trust you so...

Brackenberg: Oooohhhhh myyyyy Gooooodddddddd........

Don and Bruno point their guns at Marenghi, Randy holds Rebecca behind his back, Roy makes a "weird face" Guy makes a smiley face, Melvin hides behind everyone else, the scene becomes very intense when.....

Marenghi: I'm afraid I shall have to provide some factor of assistance, if you shall follow me back to the library...

Marenghi begins to leave, the others follow

MEANWHILE: AT THE LAND BRIDGE

Engelem and Lsezl attempt to retain a semblance of normalcy as they approch the bridge guarded by the Major and several other bulky soldiers, despite the large cargo size

Major: Hold it right there... I know who you are...

Engelem: But you do not have proof! As far as you know we are here on *produces phony papers* official government business!

Major: Fine... but that can't stop me from holding you up, rummaging through your stuff, and "accidentally" destroying it in the process! In fact... let's see what you have in that large trunk!

The Major opens one of the boxes in the trunk, it has the giant mosquito in it!

Mansquito: BLOOOOOOD!!!!!!!

Major: Aha! Try explaining THAT to the European border patrol!

Mansquito: Steroid-enriched BLOOOOD!!!!!!!!!

Engelem: Dr. Lzesl! Why did you take the mosquito with us?!?!

Lsezl: I didn't know someone would check it! I'm sorry!

Major: Tear this truck up boys!

Lsezl: Not my truck!

Some soldiers are being sucked on by the mansquito, accidentally shooting other soldiers to try and get the mansquito, etc... so Major takes it upon himself to destroy the mad doctors' cargo, he kicks open another crate, and out pop 5 angry cybo-monkeys!

Engelem: DR. LSEZL! Why did you take the cybo-monkeys with usssss?!?!?!?!

Lsezl: I di'int meeeaaannnnn toooo!!!!!!!

The monkeys maul The Major, who frantically tries to fight them off, and Dr. Lzesl, who less-successfully tries to fight them off! Every party in the area is being mauled by something except for Engelem, who starts up the ATV and flees the scene. The mansquito, wanting another chance at him, pursues the hysteric Engelem down the land bridge. Lsezl even manages to break free from his attackers and chases after Engelem, the probosci chasing after him! He almost catches up to his ATV, but Engelem again pushes the button on his arm, stunning Lsezl. Hooting, buzzing, and screaming behind him, Engelem pushes the pedal to the metal...

THE RUBBLE OF LAS VEGAS

Just inside Vegas, the mad driver's truck stops, he and Peace exit the 18-wheeler to survey the scene

Peace: Oh my God... how did this happen? ...We have to go on! I-I don't know where... but if Guy is alive we must find him before something horrible happens!

The driver, simply checking Rosie's pulse with a frown, says nothing, but disappointedly re-enters his truck

Peace: PLEASE!!

The truck goes nowhere, eventually Peace simply decides to get back in. When she does, the truck shoot forward, onwards towards the land bridge! There, we see the major brutally wounded by the monkeys!

Peace: Wait! Stop here!

The driver doesn't listen, but instead charges through the barricade! In desperation, Peace jumps out of the truck and goes to tend to the major

Peace: Who... are you?

Major: I am M-Major... Major... Major... Major... Major... Major

Peace: Major? Major what?

Major: That's m-my n-name... Major Major Major, I am a major major, so I added "Major" to the beginning of my name...

Peace: Maj- ...Sir... what happened?

Major: Engelem, that bastard... m-monkeys...

Peace: Did you see a man go by who looked kind of like me, if I was riddled with stitches and lesions?

Major: Him and a few other weirdoes... headed towards Europe... be... careful...

Peace: I must find him before he is hurt... Can I do anything to help you?

Major: I always wanted to die like a beaten hobo dead in the dirt... t-tell Keenan... that he is... a miserable excuse for a soldier... but he is... still better... than Corporal Jim...

Peace: I will! I swear, if he is alive, I will! ...Since he is a soldier, may I also inform him on peaceful alternatives to violent conflict?

Major: STOW THAT B.S. TALK YOU EFFING HI- ...*eg-eg-eg-eggggg*

Peace moves to close Major Major Major Major Major Major's eyelids, but the Major stops her short of his face with a grip strangely uncharacteristic of a dead man

Major: effing hippie...

The Major's grip loosening, Peace slowly pulls free and goes down the giant bridge to Europe

Peace: He didn't say no...

The crew returns to the library's original location but it has been destroyed.  All they can find is a note from the Doctor saying, "bwhahaha!"

Marenghi, "Damn...how did they find my library?! Well, we'll have to backpack to my backup library...in Istanbul...not Constantinople ...everyone... let's get moving...reports say the monster is thrashing his way eastward anyway"

Meanwhile...

Peace continues her walk across the great landbridge, which for some reason takes awhile...and she has a "what-if" vision along the way, which is in no way really going to happen; it's just that she's still feeling some hippy side effects from the chemicals in her cloning tank. 

She prophosizes with a crazy montage of our van-less heroes backpacking across through rural Eastern Europe (which they actually are) in search of the monster.  In the montage, the monster's escape was all just a set up (which it really isn't)...the doctor plays the hero card, "defeating" the monsters in a gothic setting with his own copy of Manos:The Hands of Fate, effectively gaining public support for his bid to run for Mayor of Europe while secretly stowing away his "monster" for future use.  The vision gets even more incoherent as the montage continues to the theme of Rocky.

Peace mutters to herself..."sooooo THAT is his real plan - I must find the others and put a stop to this!"

In reality, none of this is part of the evil doctor's actual plan, but all the same, it motivates Peace to pursue a path of peace and she high-tales it across Europe.  She arrives to the chaotic remains of the monster's onslaught, first in London, then Paris, then Berlin, Warsaw, and finally to Bratislava, effectively just missing our team of backpackers, and barely just eluding the evil Doctor and his crew of misfits, who are in hot pursuit.

Meanwhile, in Budapest, our team of heroes (or whatever they are) find themselves still backpacking, following the destructive path of the monster, who thrashed most of this place just the day before.

Rebecca: "I'm afraid it's heading towards the mountains in Romania"

Roy: "Oh no...you couldn't mean...oh no...you mean Transylvania?"

Randy: "Precisely!"

Rebecca: "wait...I'm getting a telepathic vision...or is it clairvoyant?  ESP?  hell...all I know is that I'm receiving a vision that Peace is on our tail.  We must find her before they do...she holds the key to all this."

Don Don: "How do you know this?"

Brackenberg: "and where did you get those kinda mental powers?"

Marenghi: "well, it is right here in the script" <he shows the group the script>

Everyone: "oooooooh. "

Guy: "well, what does the script say we should do next?  Cuz I got this violin case that some dude left in my car."

Melvin pokes his head out of the locker: "just keep it for now dude...I'm sure that plot device will come in handy later."

Bruno and Goatee Ninja, sporting their letterman jackets, shut Melvin back in the locker.

Marenghi: "The script has some water damage - it's hard to read the next part but I think it says we should hang out here for now" <points to an old burntout seedy looking factory>...

roy:are you effing nuts?????don't you watch horror movies,if we go in there,we'll all die horrifically,don't you know that???
guy:um,roy...
roy:shut up guy,you're just a dead nerd,what would you know??
guy:well,i know that you're dead too,stupid!!
roy:oh...yeah...
the others all laugh at roy for thinking real life could be like a horror movie,as they enter the factory...

meanwhile.....
peace has come to the budapest border,where she's being harrassed by border agents...unbeknownst to her,the doctors are VERY close behind her!will she get across the border before they arrive???can she convince the gaurds to stop the docs at the border????have the monkeys arrived,and if so..WHO will they help???stay tuned....

Inside the abandoned factory, out heroes sit on the grungy floor in a circle around a grungy (if such a thing is possible) fire, Marenghi has taken the only clean seat in the place.

Randy: Okay ladies and gentlemen, as the hero of this film, I suggest that we introduce ourselves in honesty

Roy: Whoa, I thought I was the hero of this situation!

Randy: But I've been here longer, and you are just the one being helped

Roy: I've been here longer! And geez, you'd ask for help too if something happened to you like what happened to me

Melvin: Hey, fellas! I thought I was the main guy here!

Randy (Ignoring): Well I didn't have that happen to me. That's a good place to begin, how did you get in this predicament?

Melvin: Well I-

Roy: I was once a normal college student, struggling in school, struggling in life, the struggles became too much for me, and I sold my body to science to pay off my student loans.

Randy: My God, he didn't underpay you for your sacrifice, did he?

Roy: Actually, he paid just as much as he said he would

Randy: Oh, that's okay then, I guess we can't sue now...

Roy: Anyhow, after escaping Engelem's nightmare asylum, I travelled with Guy and this other weird chick named Peace to find help in Washington... Unfortunately before we had the chance we were stopped by this crazy guy in the woods

Hamburg: Who just happened to save your lives, I add!

Roy: And after he saved our lives, and Peace got captured-

Hamburg: Not in that order, I add!

Roy: He said we couldn't go to Washington, and as long as he was with us, we couldn't

Hamburg: And for good reason I might add! I spent 5 years of my life sitting in that one spot, trying to see just what Engelem was plotting!

Roy: You were doing a pretty mediocre job of that

Brackenberg: Hey, General Hamburg is a true hero! I have based every one of my studies around watered-down versions of his studies, he really knows what's going on in this so-called world...

Hamburg: Oh is that why you risked life and lost limb chasing after me, I was about to have to mess you up if you were a federal agent!

Roy: After some crazy but overall unimportant events, I ended up in California, where I called on my old high school buddy, Jin. Unfortunately, Jin wouldn't see me because of money and contract issues, so I was stuck with Melvin Nossex.

Melvin: That's me! I got Roy's back wherever he goes!

Rebecca: Hey, are you the same Melvin Nossex who astounded your entire block by beating the school bullies, winning the cheerleader's heart, choosing the shy girl instead, saving the orphanage, and getting your band a multi-million dollar recording contract all in one fabulous week?!

Melvin: The one and only!

Rebecca: You're so cuuute!

Melvin: And you're pretty!

Bruno: Oh s**t! Please don't get revenge on me by humilating me in front of my tough-guy peers with a harmless but ingenious hi-tech machine made of normal household materials!

Melvin: Naaww, you're okay, buddy! Who are you anyway?

Bruno: My name is Bruno.

Randy: And tell us something about yourself, Bruno.

Bruno: My name is Bruno, I work for Don.

Randy: ...Oookay, tell them about yourself, Don.

Don: I'm Don, Don Don, and I am only involved in this because this conspiracy loser climbed up to my doorstep and the old man ordered me not to have him killed, that and my goody-goody step-nephew came crying for help

Randy sneers

Roy: Okay, what about you Randy?

Randy: I'm here to bring down Engelem and his diabolical machinations and earn a name for myself in the process, this is Rebecca, my totally mutual female-colleague

A shot of Rebecca with a large amount of blushing makeup on

Randy: I think we've covered all except for those military grunts and our mysterious British friend.

Marenghi: I plan on telling you nothing.

Hamburg: Well if that's the way you act, I'm not telling you anything either

Marenghi: I'll find out.

Hamburg: D'Oh!

Keenan: Well, I don't think what I have to say is all that top-secret, I was signed on to this secret mission by my commanding officer and told to watch out for that big "Ellifino!". I don't think he had much faith in Corporal Jim, and I guess that was a good assumption

Commander Jim is still comatose or at least sleeping like a log

Randy: Well, whatever your problem is, I plan on setting it right by the end of the film! I'm sure that Engelem and his crony will be defeated, my evil step-uncle will be brought down to size

a sneer from Don this time

Randy: that Hamburg will be vindicated by the public and government,

Hamburg: OH MY GOD!!

Don: That's a good thing dumbass...

Hamburg: Are you so sure?

Randy: and that I will find a way to bring you, Peace, and Guy back to normal!

Roy: I'll hold you to that, Randy... Where is Guy, anyway?

Guy is walking down a creepily-lit hallway, at the other end is scratch, the sequence is accompanied by the appropriate drawl of Cello music

scratch: Hell-o Guy.

Guy: Hi

scratch: Do you enjoy that violin I gave you?

Guy: It's kewwwwl

scratch: Maybe you could play a tune for Peace *Hiss! as if the word hurt him somehow*, she really lovessss *Hiss!* you...

Guy: I guess that makes sense... *Sad cello* ...we were together when "it" happened.

scratch: Well I can make it better again Guy... I want to help youuuuuu

Guy: How?

scratch: I have just what you need to make you you again... and more...

Guy: Gimme!

scratch: Oh, I will... for a small fee... something that if all goes correctly, you shouldn't miss for a loooonnngggg time...

Guy: You want your violin back?

scratch: I want your soul!

Guy: ...I dunno... that sounds like something I could trade for something better?

scratch: No one beats my dealssss....

Guy: Why can't you do it for free?

scratch: Do you want it or not?

Guy: You said you wanted to help me!

scratch: ...material expenses.

Guy: HMMM... Lemme see what you'll be using, you're not a procomomotologist are you?

scratch: You must not want your true form back very much...

Guy (pouting): You must not want to help me very much!

scratch: FINE! ...I must confess, I don't. But I can... and I will...

Guy: Can you do it for free?

scratch: I can tell you, whatever you do, hang on to that Manos tape... and if you ever change your mind, just play an evil lick on that there fiddle...

An evil lick plays in the background as scratch vaishes, leaving Guy alone, spaced out...

MEANWHILE, PEACE TRACKS ACROSS BUDAPEST (ACTUALLY ROMANIA, DUE TO BUDGET CONSTRAINTS)

Peace: I must find Guy, before he sells his soul, or something equally hideous!

She is approached from behind by Engelem's ATV, Lsezl is chained up in the passenger side

Peace: Omigod...

Engelem: Do you know the way to Africa?

Peace: Yes! ...No... but it's faaaarrrr away from Romania!

Engelem: Thank you, kind stranger!

Engelem drives away, leaving a relieved Peace in the background

Lsezl: Are you insane? That was Zomboid XX2X.12!

Engelem: Who cares? We have an Outsider and a few naughty spies to catch up with! ...With that portly mortal beside him, my creation is made weak... I must eliminate it, and pass it off without revealing my guilt somehow!

Lsezl: The Outsider?

Engelem: No, Bertha!

Lsezl: Oy, vey... Well if we're not pursuing Peace, shouldn't we at least track her to Romania?

Engelem: What good would that do us? It's nowhere near Africa

Lsezl: Perhaps she is heading towards your spies, doctor, we could eliminate them and... ...if you want... I could re-capture the zomboids all in one fell swoop!

Engelem: Remind me to claim that suggestion was my own good idea later, we're heading for Romania!

And the two "BWA-HA-HAAA!!!!!" all through the road there

Meanwhile, Peace continues her pursuit of our gang...about a day behind them.  The heroes +1 are deep in the Carpathian(sp?) Mountains...in the gloomy night of thick Transylvanian fog.  They're hiking their way up a rugged, twisting, narrow cliff that ascends into darker fog.  Every once in awhile the clouds roll by long enough for we the audience to see a overly and almost impossibly large full moon. 

Randy: maaaan, this is kinda creepy

Don Don: yeah...cold too...damn cold

Guy trails the group a little ways...he's been somewhat exceptionally more odd and distant since his encounter, and that's really saying something for him.  He paces around muttering to himself, seemingly trying to make up his mind about something.

Enter stock wolf howling at the top of the cliff in the moonlight.  We're not in Kansas anymore.

Melvin p**ses himself in terror, which makes everyone laugh.

Bruno smiles for perhaps the first time in the entire story.

Rebecca: man that was funnier than when we read your diary!

Melvin, soiled completely, "you...you read my diary?!"

Roy, ignoring him, trying to fight back a smile, "man...this fog sure is thick"

Just then, the film seems to respond to Roy's plight and the mountain pass fog clears just enough that our heroes+1 see a dark foreboding gothic castle of elemental evil!

Hamburg: well s**t-ta-bed ...I ...I remember... I remember that place from a dream!  I MUST GO THERE!!!!

Rebecca: What the hell are you talking about?!

Hamburg, marches on up the pass like a trooper, shouldering Melvin on the way, knocking him on his ass.

Don Don looks at Randy, Roy, and Rebecca and shrugs: I guess we're going too

Marenghi obviously thinks this is a bad idea, "wait...shouldn't we go to my library...I have the most wonderful sculptures to show you"

Rebecca: not now man...we can't loose Hamburg...he's crucial to this story.

Randy: yeah dude, we'll get there in time

Marenghi: did you just call me dude?

Goatee Ninja, Bruno, and the rest follow quickly.  Guy lingers way behind...still acting a fool

Peace has yet another flashback to her live days.....why did she go into this experiment,we ask?well,as a child of the post hippie era,needless to say,she had to do something to prevent her truelove,guy,from doing something foolish..apparently it didn't occur to her that it could be dangerous to her as well...guy was a riproaring beersnorting idiot back then,but she loved him...hence their both becoming patchwork people.she "sees"engelem fondling her while muttering about the perfect stereotype....of course,this is just the drugs,engelem could care less about the sexual aspects...right?wrong!but was it peace he wanted?or guy?or even roy?or was it really..the outsider!!!
no wonder he's so jealous of bertha!!peace changes her direction,so she can hook up with bertha and the outsider,she is certain they will help rescue her trueove!and to heck with the rest of them!except maybe for rebecca...no one else knows that rebecca is her big sister!rebeca has thought for years that her sister was either dead,or not worth knowing,hippies are scum,after all...
stay tuned....

Peace ultimately changes course...but we the audience aren't clear where.

Meanwhile, the heroes+1 approach the rod-iron gates of one nasty-ass castle of doom.  Something within has lead them here... they've been somehow tricked into thinking the beastesses have gone inside, but really it was a hologram from a hidden projector like they once used in your old elementary school science class (low budget and all).  It even skips once or twice but no one seems to notice.

Roy: "hey Goatee Ninja...why don't you try the gate here?"

A couple others nod in agreement.

Goatee Ninja: "what? why me?"

Rebecca: "well you are wearing a red shirt aren't you?"

Goatee Ninja: "well yes I suppose."  He looks around for approval and reaches for the iron gate snake-designed handle... <fade to black>

Meanwhile, in close pursuit...

Lsezl: "giggidy-giggidy these mountains suck boss!"

Engelem gets off the phone with a mystery person and activates the saw lodged in Lsezl's face for a few seconds as a warning, "shuddup a$$hole - don't talk unless I tell ya too; I was on an important call"

Lsezl: "ouch owwww oh-m-god that friggin hurts...MOMMY!"

Engelem laughs in all his evilness, "hush bastardos - we've tricked them.  They're heading to the Doom Castle" <lightning strikes and thunder roars when he says the name of the place>

Lsezl stops crying for a second, "Doom Castle?" <lighting and thunder>

Engelem: "yes...I have been well informed.  So let's continue with my original plan - once they are captured we will arrive just in time for their demise"

Lsezl: "what about the Outsider...er um...I mean what about Bertha? and what of our trip for two to Africa?"

Engelem: "trust me my little fuxtik - it will all make sense to your primitive little mind in due time...in due time!"
Engelem closes with more sinister laughter as the screen whitewashes to...

GOATEE NINJA'S FACE, EXPANDED INTO A TORMENTED SCREAM AS THE IRON SNAKE GATE HANDLE HAS TRANSMORPHED INTO A REAL SNAKE AND LATCHED ON TO THE NINJA'S HAND

Goatee nin: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

The shinobi utters an odd Japanese phrase as he collapses, the others make no move to help him as he dies in convulsions. Melvin bends down and says another odd Japanese phrase and begins to close Goatee's eyes, when Goatee convulses again, causing Melvin to gasp and fall backwards on his ass.

Rebecca: This gate is not safe.

Randy: We'll have to take a chance going through this broken place in the gate.

Randy points toward an obvious hole in the gate and begins simply walking towards it, the others follow

Bruno (under his breath): ohhh, s**t, ohhh hell, ohhh fiddlesticks, the fodder is dying, I've barely said a full sentence until now, I haven't told anyone my backstory, I'm wearing a red shirt...

Suddenly Bruno points accusingly at Melvin!

Bruno: YOU! You skinny snot-muching dingleberry! YOU're just a guest spot! YOU can get any guest spot you want and ignore continuity! I am just a stuntman in a bit part. Do you think anyone... other than Kooshmeister, will remember me? hell no! I want YOU to know that before I put my ass in any frying pan or fire, YOU're going first!

Bruno walks forth toward the castle doors leaving a confuzzled Melvin Nossex to stand, stunned, behind. The rest of the group walks on unperturbed to the doorway.

RANDY OPENS THE THING TO SEE A LABORATORY RAVAGED WITH LOTS OF CRYPTIC TECHNOBABBLE COVERING THE WALLS, WRITTEN IN BLOOD. YET ANOTHER MAD SCIENTIST TYPE (RICHARD LIBERTY) SITS IN A LAZY INDIAN STYLE IN THE CENTER

Scientist: Aahh, welcome to my hellish prison, my name is Anchimen, am I to assume you are seeking refuge from Doctor Engelem and his wicked creations?

Randy: As a matter of fact we are, how do you know of the doctor?

Anchimen: The doctor and I once worked together, struggling to create life, yet it always turned sour on us, our intentions were eeeevil, yes we created life, but only half life, things that turned from steel or titanium or styrofoam or feces to flesh! Living, breathing flesh! They turned on us, paying special attention to me, as Engelem ran away from his fate, of course, I no longer associate myself with him.

Roy: Well then how-

Guy: Shh!

Anchimen: I stayed to face the wrath... By day the beast-things physically tormented me by day and at night they emotionally tormented me. Today I simply sit in silence, awaiting Judgement Day... Though I assure you I no longer associate myself with doctor Engelem, I am afraid I cannot help you... I cannot even help myself...

Anchimen retreats into the shadows, sulking and speaking in tongues

Don Don: That's it then! Let's get out of this hole-

Randy: No, this would be a good place to wait, perhaps since he once worked with the doctor we could find some clues as to how to beat him in this lab...

PAN OF THE ENTIRE DESTROYED LAB

Randy: And after all, he doesn't associate himself with Engelem anymore...

Back in the shadows, Dr. Anchimen talks silently into a radio device

Anchimen: Dr. Engelem... They are in my castle... you may come whenever you wish...

Dr. Anchimen hangs up his 80's style, brick-like cell phone (one of the firsts).  It's obvious he's been a sorta prisoner in this castle for a long time as his attire (parachute pants), hairstyle (Flock of Seagulls), and mannerisms (like, totally dude) reflect that dreadedness that is the 1980s.

Muttering to himself while we hear Rockwell's 'Somebody's Watching Me' play in the background "yes, like, totally doctor...for you too will have a nice surprise when you arrive...to the max" ripping open his Michael Jackson "Beat It" jacket as he smiles revealing a couple very sharp fangs but no one else hears or sees any of this. 

He announces that the group should make themselves at home before he fades out; our heroes +1 minus a ninja roam this mysteriously gothic 80s style castle.  Hamburg runs off down the hall mumbling something about strange memories and the rest try to keep up, but they are quickly distracted.

Marenghi in his uppity British accent, "Good sirs...this place is rather appauling!"

The heroes +1 minus a ninja find themselves in a grand hallway with huge portraits lining the walls.  They pass by a movie painting of The Master from Manos, a fingerpaint of Plan 9, a pointalism piece of Batman and Robin, a water color image of Friday the 13th part V, a chalk drawing of This Island Earth, and a colored pencil drawing of Deadly Friend, among many other artwork versions of bad film covers.  In the center of the hall, Guy recognizes a pitiful sculpture of Yongary: Monster of the Deep and winces. 

The group starts to get a little worried at all this torture evidence and finally Rebecca notices that Hamburg has disappeared!

Randy, opening a random door at the end of the hall, "holy s**t balls -look at this!"

BEHIND THE DOOR IS ANCHIMEN'S LAB, BRIGHTLY LIT, APPARENTLY STILL FUNCTIONING AND IN OTHERWISE PERFECT CONDITION

Rebecca: My God... How long has he kept it like this?

Randy: My guess is for quite a while! ...But why? He no longer associates himself with Engelem, why would he keep all these inventions and stuff in proper working order?

Brackenberg: I say we search for clues!

Randy: That's pretty obvious mr. junior theorist, but let's do it already!

Our heroes messily root around the room, finding that most of the experiments seem to be just for show, Roy eventually comes across a large messy journal, many notes and stuff hanging out, and opens it to a random page

Roy: Umm, guys? You had better come see this

everyone immediately drops their work to go see what Roy has found, he reads aloud:

Roy: "VENGEANCE IS MINE, SAYETH ME! THOUGH HE HAS TORMENTED ME BEFORE I HAVE INVITED THE DOCTOR TO MY LAIR ONCE MORE IN ORDER TO PERFORM HIS WICKED DEEDS."

Randy: My God... he does still associate with Dr. Engelem!

Roy:"LITTLE DOES HE KNOW WHAT SHALL HAPPEN WHEN THE FOOL DOES WHATEVER HE'S GOING TO DO, AND FOLLOWING THAT THEN THE OTHER INFIDELS SHALL ALL FALL TO MY WRATH; LSEZL, PHEARSON, HAMBURG, MARENGHI, THE MANNEQUINS-" Wait a second, mannequins? what a...

Bruno: Is my name there?

Roy: No, you're safe...

Bruno: The hell I am! If I had half a chance of surviving my name would be there right alongside all the major characters! No, I'm gonna get offed if I'm not careful, and if I'm not carefuller, it'll probably be by some stupid accident!

Randy: With any luck, we'll all get out alive! By any logic, you might be the first to go...

Keenan: I say we blow all this effed up s**t to bits and pop a bullet in that head case's head!

Marenghi: You shall do no such thing, you brutish brute! These things must be preserved and a professional shall execute the doctor... when the time is right

Randy: Listen up Monty, we're not in England anymore, and in case you didn't know people have had plenty of chances to kill Engelem and probably the same amount of chance to kill Anchimen, but neither of them are dead and why?

Brackenberg: Government tyranny!

Randy: For once you are exactly right! We need to put an end to this pre-Nurembergian madness soon and once and for all!

But before they can, a sound is heard!

Roy: What was that?

IN THE NEXT ROOM, DR. ANCHIMEN MEETS HIS FORMER PARTNER AND HIS NEW PARTNER AT THE DOOR.

Anchimen: (angry) I see you are treating your new lackey better than you treated me! (happy) Hello again Jonas...

Engelem: Ahh, doctor Anchimen, I see you haven't changed a bit since we last met... still a party man?

Anchimen: No Dr. Engelem, I have realized the error in many of my ways... yet I donned this old costume just for your return... are you surprised I have not gone insane from my years in the castle?

Engelem: I-

Anchimen: Mercifully, I had company... though you never returned, I was fancy to several... visitors

Engelem: Yyyeeeessssss.... Hmm, hmm, hmm! Where could I find these "visitors"?

Anchimen: Upstairs... But first, there is something I am aching to show you...

Engelem: No.

Engelem begins walking upstairs when Anchimen snatches him back and leads him and Lsezl into the bright laboratory, our heroes quickly hide in plain sight

Anchimen: Do you recognize it?

Engelem: Of course you idiot, we worked here for years, except it looks clean now... what have you done with our research?!?

Anchimen: You wish to see the rotten fruit of our labor again, Jonas? Turn out the light...

Engelem: I don't wanna

The light flicks off and the room goes black, there is silence for a while until...

Boys and girls of every age,
Would you like to see something strange?

All at once, various machines, pens, pencils, papers, and the like get up and turn into little fanged and singing gremlins and such!

Come with us and you will see
This our town of Halloween!

Morphing from the original forms of neon tubing, a sailor, a policeman, an indian, a medieval archer, a samurai, and more all march in and dance to the song in odd, surreal gyrating motions

This is Halloween!
This is Halloween!
Pumpkins scream in the dead of Night!

Roy: Let's get the hell out of here!

Most of the heroes do, just missing the bushes, inhabited with fairies and goblins and such, that suddenly sprout from the floor mold, however, Bruno happens to straggle behind for a frame too long and is grabbed by the ghoulies, who manage to kill him in an unimportant but entertaining manner

This is Halloween
Everybody make a scene
Until the neighbors die of fright!

Even Engelem seems weirded out by the odd dance of the demons that has begun in front of his face, As beakers explode with decorative neon fireworks, a gang of ghost pirates step out of ther smog and stumble around aimlessly, as does a zombified-lookalike of Boris Karloff. More mundane objects grotesquely transmogrify into gruesome creatures as the 3 doctors listen on to their demented song!

I am the clown with the tear away face
Here in a flash and gone without a trace!

I am the who when you call who's there
I am the wind blowing through your hair!

Things get worse as a cyborg pig treads across the ground, firing laser blasts, a grim reaper glides from the rafters and explodes, and a giant shogun on a baby-pulled carriage charges into the scene! Drs. Engelem and Lsezl, remaining composed make for the exits just as the third doctor extends his fangs and lunges for them! Unthankfully, both our antagonists make it out in time to take a double-sigh of relief, though neither seem to notice their former "friend"'s momentary change

Anchimen (behind door): Accursed! *cries in anguish*

MEANWHILE A FEW MILES AWAY, PEACE HAS CAUGHT UP TO THE OUTSIDER AND IT'S BRIDE, TERRORIZING LIECHTENSTEIN

Peace: Hello fellows!

The monster and the monster-oid grunt in response to the human's cry, The Outsider moves to absorb Peace, but realizes that she is now no more than a normal human. Puzzled but somewhat indifferent, Outsider moves to crush her anyway

Peace: Don't be so hasty, I don't wish to fight!

The Outsider continues to bring his foot down, but a more reasonable Bertha stops him

Peace: Please! Dr. Engelem has done us both wrong! You should not carry out this destruction for him, do you believe your only purpose is to be some sort of genetically-engineered SWAT team? That is what Dr. Engelem created you for and I believe you could be destined for greater things! ...I believe Dr. Engelem may be going to Romania, my friends are there as well-

Without another word from Peace, The Outsider and Bertha begin to tromp towards Romania

Peace: I was hoping you could... ...help... us?

Peace worriedly yelps behind her closed mouth and frantically follows the duo

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE CASTLE

Randy: Well it now seems we have two problems to worry about, Engelem

Rebecca: and Anchimen,

Roy: And Marenghi

Marenghi: Now, now, now, I do not know what you could possibly be talking about *sly smile*....

Brackenberg: Let's not forget Hamburg is still missing!

Don: And Bruno is dead!

Melvin: Who?

Keenan: This is a snafu! Added to all this we have the fact that The Outsider is still after us and we have no way to stop it!

Guy, who has uncharacteristically not talked for a while sullenly looks at the Manos bootleg

Guy: I have... something to say...

SCRATCH, AS IF ON CUE APPEARS BEHIND THE GROUP WITH A SCOWL ON HIS FACE...

Guy: I have...

THE OUTSIDER AND BERTHA, AS IS ON CUE, APPEAR, CRASHING THROUGH THE WALL OF THE CASTLE ROARING!

Immediately, it begins it's rampage, chokeslamming Keenan to the ground, in the next room, Lsezl and Engelem feel the blow and both speed up the stairs to view the rampage in progress as The Outsider goes after Rebecca, only to be stopped by a large blow by Randy, the blow, which barely phases The Outsider, instead just makes him angry enough to chokeslam Randy multiple times! Rebecca this time hits The Outsider over the back with a large metal something, The Outsider turns his attention back to her only for Roy to retaliate and hit it over the head with another piece of metal.

Engelem: Cuuuuurssseee yoooouuuuu!!!!!

In vengeance, Bertha crushes Roy's malleable body with a frying pan!

Lsezl: Cuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrssssssseeeee yoooooouuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anchimen intrudes excitedly

Anchimen: Has a witch died yet? Good God watching over us from his vengeful Heavenly plane! That mannequin has the tape!

ZOOM IN ON GUY WITH THE MANOS TAPE, CONTEMPLATING WHILE THE FIGHT RAGES ON, GUY'S SILENCE IS DISRUPTED BY HIS OLD LOVER, SCURRYING THROUGH THE HOLE IN THE WALL!

Peace: Guy!

Guy: Peace?! You look pretty!

Peace: I wish I could say the same thing, but we'll find a way, won't we!

Anchimen: The one weapon that could destroy Engelem's twisted work!

Guy: It's in the beta-strip, Peace!

Peace: No! We have to stop this madness some other way!

Engelem: No! This madness mustn't stop until all of you interlopers are dead!

Scratch: They're right! You love *hiss!* your girlfriend, riiight? Do not use that tape!

Engelem: It's you! You who gave me the power of rock! You have allowed Guy to see you now?

Scratch: Of course I have, we already established you as a failure, right?

Engelem: I am NOT a failure!

Guy: GASP! I remember this from the after-school special! There is only one man who can give the evil power of rock n' roll!

Peace: Guy, you're frightening me, who are you talking about?

Guy: I gotta use the tape, Peace!

Peace: Find some other way to resolve your problems!

Outsider: Reeeeaaaggghhh!!!!

Peace: That goes for you too!

Randy: Enough of this insanity! We need that tape Roy! Let me use it!

Marenghi: Good zomboid! I shall give you a tidbit if you allow the British Library sights and sound devision research that tape!

Guy: Ooooh!!!

Roy: Don't fall for that crap buddy, give it to Randy, we're the only competant ones in this room-

Rebecca: Hey!

Roy: Sorry, and my arms would fall off if you passed it too hard!

Brackenberg: Give it to me! This could be a conspiracy!

Melvin: Is that the original workprint of Manos?? Give it to me, Guy!

Keenan: Don! Gimme more guns!

Suddenly, Don Don leaps and takes Peace in a chokehold, a revolver to her head

Don: Gimme that tape you fuggin' idiot!

Obviously emotionally overloaded by all these stimuli, our zomboid somehow finds the mental capability to make a decision for himself! Guy pulls back his arm and with an amazing throw, he amazingly flings the tape directly into a nearby VHS player! The screen flashes white for a second as all parties look on

AN EXTENDED VERSION OF "MANOS: THE HANDS OF FATE", THIS VERSION IS ACTUALLY BRILLIANT, APPARENTLY HAL WARREN'S CREW, VENGEFUL AFTER THE DIRECTOR BULLIED THEM THROUGHOUT THE PRODUCTION DECIDED TO CUT OUT ALL THE ORIGINAL DIALOGUE AND AMAZING SPECIAL EFFECTS. IN THE MIDDLE OF ONE OF THE MORE AMAZING SEQUENCES, THE SCREEN CUTS TO A YOUNGER DR. ANCHIMEN AS HE STANDS IN FRONT OF A LARGE BLACKBOARD

Young Anchimen: Hello... I am Dr. Ericc Anchimen, partner to Jonas Engelem... Due to some wickedness on my partner's part, I am forced to tape over this minor independant production before I surely lose my sanity to deliver to whom it may concern a three-part documentary about how Dr. Engelem's creations can indeed... be destroyed.

All eyes point accusingly at a very embarrassed Guy, Don Don dejectedly lowers his gun, The Outsider cannot disguise it's amusement

Young Anchimen: A-Hem, I believe if you have viewed this tape earlier enough you will have ample time to-

The Outsider, smashes the television to bits and then proceeds to go into a fury, tearing the entire upper lab to smithereens until it collapses on our hapless, screaming, cast!

UNDER A SECLUDED PILE OF RUBBLE LIES ENGELEM, ALIVE, SITTING CALMLY NEXT TO HIM IS SCRATCH

Scratch: I really am toooo good *hiss!* to you

Engelem: Will you let me out now??

Scratch: Do it yourself...

Scratch disappears, Engelem cries, and a few rocks are lifted from the pile. Lsezl has come to Engelem's aid for some reason

Lzesl: Doctor...

Engelem: Lzesl... What happened to The Outsider?

Lsezl: Missing. Along with everyone else but Anchimen and myself

Engelem: Where are we now?

Lsezl: Yours' and his old lab sir, and you won't believe what Anchimen has done!

...Engelem, dusting himself off and trying to regain his wits, "no...NO...he din'ent!"

Lsezl: "oh yes...yes he did!  We're back in your old lab, the secret one, underneath the castle...and he's somehow imprisoned the Ellifino and the Bertha Beast, but I have no idea how!"

Engelem, "where are the others?"

Lsezl: "dunno...probably dead after all that ...but then we left conveniently, again, to give them ample opportunity to rescue themselves.  Oh...and Mansquito is lurking about somewhere...he's been in the restroom all this time"

Mansquito: "yeah...sorry, my fly was stuck"

Engelem straps on an arm cyborg attachment with a flame thrower, "nevermidn them for now...it's time to put this bad dog to bed!"  and the three head away from the ruble and through the next corridor...three men on a mission...well, ok, one man, one mosquito freak of nature, and one wuss, but you get the idea.

Meanwhile...in the old lab cell block, the beastesses are each locked in their own cell.  There is also a table slab with straps and two large switches...one blue and one red.  There's huge wires coiling from everywhere for unknown purposes with accompanying electric sounds ...and the place smells kinda like cabbage.

Melvin of all people stumbles in, still weary from the devastation but miraculously still alive.  He notices the sciency instruments hooked to each cage  and does a little bit of examination...he finds more journals and starts reading. 

Melvin: "wowsy...wait 'till I find the guys and tell em I found a clue.  Someone has built a translation device"  Curiosity gets the better of him and he flips the blue switch next to the Ellifino's cage with somehow translates the grunts into meaningful words:

Melvin listens and makes out the following:

(Queue Caribbean steel drum band music)

Beast, singing, in English (with a Jamaican accent)

you...there human...yes you
you with the nerdy glasses and your pocket protecta
your the last picked in gym and the last in every race...
the wimp who never gets the girls...
I'ma gonna choke slam ya...an' eat yer fuggin face!"

Melvin stumbles back, appalled and scared out of his gord, and p**ses himself yet again.  Too bad he is way too distracted by the warm wet sensation running down his leg to notice Dr. Vampire Anchimen.  The vampire lord emerges from the black shadows with the greatest celerity wearing some 50s style Elvisy clothes, complete with an addition of sideburns and greasy Elvis hair.

Dr. Anchimen leaps onto Melvin before he knows what hit him, sinking his fangs deep into the nerd boy's jugular, draining him of nearly all his blood.  The Vampire stands up from Melvin's flopping, wiggling body and wipes the blood from his mouth.  He reaches down and whispers in Melvin's ear, "I'm going to give you the choice that I never had...you can either live forever or die...what will it be?"

Melvin, turning quite blue, "I wa-wanna live!"

Dr. Anchimen, "syke!" and with that he picks up Melvin, slams his nearly dead (but not quite) body on the table slab, straps him in, and flips the big red switch.  About this time, the rest of the remaining group, covered in debris slam through the doors to witness a massive electrical shock that zaps both Bertha in the cage and Melvin on the table.

Bertha and Melvin in unison, "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

After it's all said and done and the smoke clears...Bertha begins to speak, but with Melvin's voice!  Melvin's body on the table grunts a few times and finally dies.  His...er, I mean her death is given several moments of saddened unnecessary screen time.  The Ellifino would be mad and screaming if he understood what he just saw, but he just sits there like a befuddled lunk head.

Note: Melvin's Mind in Bertha's Body will now be played by Martin Lawrence in a fat suit.

Rebecca, totally shocked, "Oh my GOD!  Their brains have been switched!"

Peace: "and Melvin's body is dead!"

The crazy sciency Vampire Doctor turns with a wicked grin and an Elvisy accent, "thank you...thank you very much!" gyrates his hips and he flips yet another previously unseen switch and a cage conveniently falls right over our heroes, imprisoning them!

Brackenberg: "I knew this was a government plot!"

About this time the "other" big double doors get kicked open and there stands a huge Viking woman with a large hammer.  She stands there for a minute, looks around not recognizing a thing and says, "oops...sorry...wrong set"  - she backs out embarrassed and finally Engelem and Lsezl come in, primed for war!

Anchimen, now suddenly dressed in 1890s garb, takes off his top hat and twirls his ridiculously large moustache, "well well well, bully bully.  Time to find out who is really top dog around here!  And with that he bares his vicious fangs!

Engelem, somewhat not surprised, lights up his flamethrower, "good thing I brought this!"

Lsezl: "yeah and good thing I'm a priest too!" and he whips out a cross.

Engelem annoyingly confused, "you're a what?!"

Lsezl: "yeah...just like John Black on Days of Our Lives; I'm whatever profession is necessary to move the plot forward"

Anchimen cowers at the cross, stumbling backward, knocking over flammable liquids which naturally catch s**t on fire as Lsezl speaks in tongues, coming closer and closer, "begone demon!"  Once he gets right on top of Anchimen, however, the vampire stands up and smacks the cross away.

Brackenberg: "see! it was a Russian conspiracy trick!"

Anchimen, "bwahaha...I forgot to tell you, looser...I'm a Toaist!"

Lsezl: "oh <beeeeeeeep>!"

Anchimen sinks his fangs into Lsezl and drinks some blood as Engelem charges him with the flame thrower! Anchimen drops Lsezl's useless body and prepares for the big throw down to find out just who is the ultimate bad guy in this story.

All the while, Mansquito just looks at the heroes in the cage with hungry eyes.

Bertha's Body with Melvin's brain just shakes his cage in a fit of rage!

The heroes are stuck in their cage worried about the fire and Mansquito, but figure they might as well start taking bets on who will win.  Rebecca, not interested in the betting feels a tug on her shirt from behind.  It's Hamburg, crawling, looking a little roughed up!

Hamburg mumbles...

hamberg:Peace..peace..she's..your..sister!!!!
rebecca:what!my sister died years ago!!(looks a little closer at peace)surely not...
peace:don't call me shirley,i hate that!!!that's why i ran away and faked my death!i hated that name so much!!
rebecca:oh geez,it really IS you!peace?
peace:what?
rebecca:no,i mean peace between us!surely we can  do that?
peace hauls off and coldcocks rebecca,crying"i TOLD you not to call me shirley!"
mind you,this is all a ruse,to distract the doctors while hamberg picks the lock on the cage and releases our heroes!peace and rebecca hug,and all our heroes proceed to trample hamberg into the dirt getting out of the cage...the outsider somehow turns the translater back on,and we hear him chanting an exorcism!!!!bertha/melvin joins the chant,while peace and rebecca run to free them....
hamberg,with his last breath,presses a very small red button on the wall,sighing"dang,i hope this is the right one...oops!"

...and a death ray starts zapping from a cannon mounted up on the castle ceiling, blasting into Roy, knocking him down with his body skidding across the brick, plowing into the rest of the heroes.  Doctor Retro Vampire, now all decked out in Napolean garb, laughs like a maniac!

Roy sees a bright white orb emerges from somewhere and everything stops motion.  We see a bird's eye view closing in on him - camera does a close-up and we get a mind's eye view; Roy's life is flashing before his eyes...

We get a montage of memories throughout Roy's life.  He learns to walk; rides a bike; goes to school; grows up; gets beat up at school; gets dissed by the girls in high school; at college, gets beat up by the girls; gets a crap job; can't pay his student loans; responds to an ad in the paper that says, "Will Pay Loans for Off-Beat Science Experimentations"; and the montage closes with him getting tortured and experimented on in a ultra-sciency lab of mad scientist-ness.

Roy snaps out of his delusion and gets back up.  All of this lifeflash before the eyes is to no avail because Roy is a zombie -he's already dead.

Mansquito heads off screen mumbling something about having to go to the bathroom again.

Now free, Keenan does a double-flip action roll behind some cover, take two shots, blasting the cannon into smithereens.  Naturally, spouts some cheezy one-liner and does some John Wayne emote with a gun spin or something as equally bad "wooo dawggy!"  After this melodrama, he jumps up with his back against wall like James Bond or something and "stealthfully" creeps out of the room.  But, of course, everyone else can see him as they rush out of the burning mess ASAP while the Evil Cyborg Doctor battles the Evil Vampire Doctor.

Speaking of which, the two evil doctors are thrashing the lab while the heroes head out.  Explosions are heard and suddenly the two evil doctors smash through the wall in front of everyone.  Anchimen is now dressed in Disco.  Bricks fly everywhere while they trade punches!  Vampire Doc locks it up with Engelem, grabbing him in a headlock, but Engelem's head is too slippery and he breaks free.

Engelem manages to reverse into a bull-rush, knocking him into a suit of armor with a sword in its hands that naturally falls to the ground too.  He gets on top of Anchimen and puches his face over and over to some hellacious background music. 

But he gets distracted when he notices their audience ...just standing there! 

Jessica: "why are we just standing here?"
Randy: "well, sometimes this is a horror movie..."
Hamburg: "yeah and sometimes we just do dumb things"

Anchimen takes this opportunity to knee Engelem in the gut and he throws Engelem's limp frame onto the upset armor, creating a loud crashing sound as he laughs again.  Anchimen circles him, even kicking him while he's down.

But suddenly ...and quite predictably...

Up steps Randy Phearson, unarmed, mildly wounded, shirtless, and surprisingly muscular

Randy: Get away from him, you BASTARD

Anchimen: Do you expect to stop me?

Randy: No... But they can.

Anchimen dramatically looks back to see Rebecca, The Outsider, and Melvin all chanting the exorcism

Anchimen: Don't make me laugh! AAAAAHHAAHHAHAHAAAA!!!!!!! I can't be exorcized, that only works on evil spirits! I am not a spirit, nor am I evil!

Randy: Yes you are!

Anchimen: I don't think s-

Randy: I know so!

Anchimen: Delude yourself if you will, but we will see how you act when your spirit descending to your hell sees my Taoist spirit alive and in working order!

Randy: If only your body was that durable!

With this, Randy delivers a high-kick directly to Anchimen's face, the force of which knocks his afro off, but causes no pain and seriously p**ses our pious doctor off.

Anchimen: Did I mention I gave myself steel skin?

Randy: You made yourself a cyborg too? Some kind of religious nut you are!

Anchimen slaps Randy across the face knocking him into some expensive equipment. Randy however gets back up almost unharmed and again trades a few blows with the retro-fetish vampire scientist!

Rebecca: Chanty, chanty, chanty, chanty..... I don't have time for this! You're gonna have to do the exorcizing for both of us you beautiful savages!

Melvin: Hey, it's me, Melvin!

Rebecca: Well then I guess you'll want one of these then...

On a whim, Rebecca kisses Melvin on the cheek before running off to other matters. Energized, Melvin begins chanting at triple-time!

OFF TO THE SIDE, ENGELEM CONSULTS SCRATCH AGAIN

Engelem: I must destroy Anchimen to reclaim what's rightfully mine! You must make me powerful!

Scratch: Look Mr. Failure, I'm gonna be exorcized soon, I don't think making you big and tough will stop your own invention and the nerd in the fat-suit

Engelem: I can kill them! I CAN KILL THEM! I AM NOT A FAILURE!

Scratch: Fine, it's worth a shot... But for this you've gotta give me that guitar I loaned you all them years back!

Engelem: I never cared for it anyway!

Engelem glows with a flash of evil reddish-black light, to dubious effect as of yet

Scratch: Go and kill the chanters!

Engelem: Screw you!

Engelem runs off to kill the chanters... or do something else...

MEANWHILE, AS OUR SOMEWHAT HEROES ESCAPE THROUGH AN OUT OF PLACE TUNNEL...

Peace: Wait! Where's Rebecca? We have to go back for her.

Brackenberg: She's right! We have to go back for Rebecca... and General Hamburg!

Peace begins to run back, but is snatched into a headlock by Don Don with a gun to her head, just like she was a few scenes before

Don: You're not goin' no where, we don't have the time for rescuing a human being! In faaact, I can think of one or two who are slowing us down

Keenan: I hate to say it... But Don's right, this whole place is gonna blow in a matter of minutes!

Peace: I believe you, but I don't care! If we're slowing you down, Don, we can go back ourselves and you can get your cowardly butt out of here!

Don: Maybe I could... but letting you go back shows lack of conviction! Would the Old Don let you go back?

Peace: Would he?

Don: Hmmm... He probably would.... which proves that I would make a better damn Don than he would! We keep going, except for you, you DIE!

Peace: My sister's friend has waited for a long time to do this, but I think he wouldn't mind if I get in first!

With this, Peace gnashes Don's "meatballs" (Mob humor) in her fist, considerably loosening his grip and actually making him pass out

Peace: Peace out!

Peace, Guy, and Horace make their way back down the tunnel, hoping to get to their various relations before it is too late!

BACK IN THE LAB

Randy still melee fights against Doctor Vampire. So far it appears as if both sides have extraordinary endurace, though Randy is the one who acts "hurt" better. Unfortunately, he acts hurt for just a bit too long, allowing Anchimen to get the upper hand! Randy is knocked to the floor and is attacked by a camera-mounted puppet bat-thing head!

Rebecca voice: Hey! Ugly!

Anchimen is instantly pulled from his work, so is Randy, so are the Outsider and Melvin, and even Marenghi, calmly looting the place

Marenghi: Now did you have to say that to everyone??

Rebecca is now clad in only a tank top and short shorts, and although not especially muscular, she is effortlessly holding up a rocket launcher, with wooden-stake-tipped rockets!

Rebecca: That 3-part documentary you made was very informative...

Hamburg: Luckily, there was an extra copy... In the present!

Rebecca: God speed, doctor...

...as a barrage of spikes rat-at-tat-tat all over the retro vampire, currently dressed like a beatnik.  His porcupine-like body slumps to the ground in a pool of black blood as he cries, "that's all daddy-o" and melts away, leaving only a pile of wood.

Everyone: "yay!" and our heroes dart down the hall, up the stairs, and out of the castle.  All the heroes meet up and run together, reaching the outer gate, diving into a nearby pond just in the nick of time as the castle explodes totally nuclear.  Luckily for the cast, pond water protects you from concussive damage, intense heat, and flying debris.

Everyone resurfaces after the carnage and swim to a nearby dock...except for Don Don's stunt double; he gets eaten by something underwater...something large and menacing.  The dock leads up to an old pirate ship.  They board the ship real quick like, not really knowing what else to do.  They head to the bridge where both Dr. Engelem and Ol' scratch sit, waiting patiently.  Ol' Scratch sits in a rotating chair and turns it to face our heroes.

Engelem: "We've been expecting you"

Randy steps up, bruised, cut up, still shirtless, but apparently fully recovered, "ok Engelem...let's end this now! en garde!" as he picks up a cutluss that just happens to be nearby.

Engelem, whips out his own sword, "first there is something you should know"

Randy, in standard fencing stance inches closer, "tell me this something"

Engelem, "I am your father's nephew's brother's sister's aunt's lover's former roommate's lawyer's second cousin twice removed"

Randy, "so the Fawk what!  ...I never liked family reunions anyway!" and he charges the evil Doctor.

There's some serious back n forth sword play as the heroes look on.  Scratch just laughs as the conflict escalates.  Engelem lunges a couple times but suddenly empowered and irritated Randy easily parries, returning with a lunge of his own.  The blades lock up and Randy proves to be the stronger one, pushing Engelem back.  The creaky boards of the ship under their feat sound as if they're about to crack.  They do impossible yet unnecessary flips, spins, and taunts, swinging on ropes and all that.  After more struggle,  Engelem tries a big lunge but Randy ripostes and takes the opening to punch Engelem right in the nose!  Randy spins his blade with a taunt of his own.

Engelem, "ooooooooooooouch ya bastard -that hurt!"

The sword fight continues when Rebecca notices the ship has set sail into the Black Sea!  Scratch gives them a grin.  Randy continues to have the upper hand until, finally, Engelem cheats as expected, using his cyborg saw blade to cut Randy's blade at the hilt!  Randy gets another surprise -Engelem punches him in the nose, knocking him to the floor!

Engelem, with his blade to Randy's throat, "now you meddling kids...you will die"

But before he can do anything else, we hear a loud interrupting "WAIT!" - everyone looks as Guy steps forward with the violin case, "STOP! ...I challenge you...to a ROCK OFF!"

Everyone: "oouw!" to some western high-noon "waa waa-waa" background music.  A tumble weed rolls by.

Peace: "NO! Don't do it Guy! DON'T DO IT!"

Guy just gives her a sorrowful melodramatic look, "I must...there is no other way"

Engelem puts the sword away and grabs the electric guitar from Scratch.  It's a Les Paul, shiny and red.  As he's plugging into a huge-ass Marshal amp he grins and says, "you think I still can't rock this house?!  I'll blow you away boy.  ...I accept!"

Engelem starts wailing on his guitar like a mad man, breakin some licks faster than Eddie Van Halen.  Red smoke emits from the guitar as he does a few stage slides and crazy rock faces like Michael J. Fox did in Back to the Future!  He kicks over some pirate stuff and continues slamming on his guitar.  Finally, he stops just in front of Guy in a taunt-like manner.

Bashful Guy looks a bit overwhelmed, pauses for a second, but then cracks open the violin case anyway.  When he does, a bright golden glow emits from the case putting everyone in awe.  Guy reaches in the case and pulls out A GOLDEN FIDDLE!

Guy, "Well yer pertty good there son, just sit down there, right down there and lemmie show ya how it's done!"

to a background riff from dueling banjoes,guy slowly rises and tucks the violin under his chin,which he then has to push back into place.he raises the bow,and we hear a peel of thunder! he begins to play,while the lightning flashes...scratch cringes,screaming"no! not that!not that,save me,master!what have i done to deserve this song!!!?"fade to commercial,to the strains of"greensleeves"....

...after a series of "just say no" ads followed by a series of designer drug commercials, we return to the show...


Mortal Envelope's Super Hero Happy Ending version
Bright white energy is blazing from the sky, blasting Scratch until he implodes!  Everyone is knocked forward during the implosion as the ship is hit by thunderous waves due to the oncoming storm.  The golden fiddle has vanished.

Everyone awakens the next morning to a bright sunny morning...the ship is floating calmly in the sea.  Birds chirp.  Guy is his old self again, totally free from Scratch's mental influence.  Guy and Peace reunite.

Engelem awakens as a new man as well having seen the errors of his ways.  Now, somehow he's got his soul back, thanks to Guy's masterful fiddle playing.  He apologizes to the group for his evil ways and offers to restore Melvin in a new body and returning the Outsider Ellifino back to its original state, an IRS agent but the group declines both offers. 

They make peace and even offer Engelem membership to "the team" and he readily accepts.  He decides to dedicate his life, science skills, cyborg saw blade, and rockin guitar solos to fighting evil and protecting the good!  He starts his good deeds by releasing the mental block on the Outsider, revealing it's actually very intelligent and that it won several times on several game shows.  Everyone's happy and they take the ship to Turky and continue traveling through central Asia and onto the Far East, fighting crime.

THE END

...during the credits, there's a "years later" montage featuring a picture of each character with a description of "where are they now" kinda thing:

Guy and Peace: get married with Dr. Engelem as their minister (he did have a degree from Pat Robertson's school after all).  The rest of the cast is there and Rebecca catches the boquet.  She was the bride's maid after all.

Engelem: becomes a superhero by night and a data entry help desk tech by day (superhero stuff doesn't pay the bills).  He fights super villains such as Octopus Woman, Jellyboy, Wife Beater Mullet Man, Tractor Charlie, and Spectral Elvis. 

Cyborg Monkeys: free from their mental bond, they cope with their existence by starting a neo-goth emo band in the red monkey's garage.  They call themselves The Hestons.

Marenghi: after the cast lands in Turky and reaches his library, he was given a promotion.  Now he is the Senior Librarian of the 5th Floor.  He's moving up in society.  The cast kinda ditches him there and heads off without him.

Outsider: now with full mental powers back, it continues showing up on various game shows.  He wins enough that he doesn't have to keep his pizza delivery job anymore.  He still hangs out with Melvin.

Melvin: after Engelem created a new nerdier body for him, he became a CEO of Geekspeak Fashionware, becoming rich and powerful.  And he isn't afraid to talk to girls!  Still hangs with Outsider

Mansquito: never came back from the restroom...

Horace Brackenberg: still follows and idolizes Hamburg but has his own publishing business. He wrote a few best sellers, "They're Out to Get Me," "I duck when I pass doors because they could be watching out their peep holes," and "They're Gonna Get Me Suckas"

Randy: now a professional body builder, fencer, and master detective for (he got his job back and is now his old boss's boss).  He joined the super hero team as his alter ego, Exclamation Man (it's the symbol on his mask).

Rebecca: she's gotten into politics becoming Mayor of a nearby small town.  She often calls the super group to help rescue the town from nuclear monsters, overgrown animals, robots from dimension x, and the like.  She is a master detective super hero by night.

General Hamburg: he's become everybody's favorite daytime game show host of "Who wants to Nail a Millionaire?  The Outsider is on this show a lot.  He is also the militant superhero of the team.  Horace Brackenberg is his paranoid side-kick.

Lt. Keenen: Resurfaces years later as a hardcore drill instructor, wuppin up and shouting at young punks just entering the service. He's a natural member of the superhero team.

Don Don (well...his stunt double): shows up on an uncharted small island in the Black Sea with a small native population.  With his magical digital watch, the natives think he is a god and treat him as such.  Don Don retires here.

Bertha finally goes home to catch the new episode of Mamma's Family.

And Roy becomes an actor in many a b-flick zombie movies for years to come.