Print Page - BLOOD SHED (shudder!!!)

I guess my positive experience with WRONG TURN II got me in the mood for another Cannibal Mutant Hillbilly flick, and as I was perusing the shelves at Hastings I saw what looked like a nice little piece of low budget cheese; a killer hillbilly flick called BLOOD SHED. It was . . . . it was . . . . oh. . . oh . . . oh!

I don't know if I can bring myself to relive the pain (sob!) . . . .
:bluesad: :bluesad:
But . . . . I must. I must save all my friends at BadMovies.org from such suffering. For you lovely people, I must . . . must . . . remember . . .

:lookingup: :lookingup:
OK, the movie begins with a pudgy middle-aged man in drag with a short schoolgirl dress and a curly-haired red wig skipping down the road dragging a dead squirrell that has been nailed to a board with wheels on it. The girly-man is playing the movie's female lead, a . . . so he/she insists . . . 12 year old girl . . .named Beefteena.

(Indiana pauses to barf into a nearby trashcan.)

After greeting the neighbors, Beefteena skips homeward, running into a group of annoying neighborhood kids, two little girls and a boy of about 12 who is inexplicably wearing a military uniform jacket. He has just finished demonstrating his manliness by squooshing a frog with a rock (and yes, I think he really did squish the frog - it looked to real to be a high-tech fake frog in a low-budget piece of garbage like this). The two girls light out for home, but nasty boy begins berating Beefteena and throws her "pet" dead squirrel (did I mention it was named "Flapjack"?) into the creek . . . oh no, not again!

BBBAAARRRFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :bluesad:

OK, then Beefteena's two brothers, whose names have mercifully been blotted from my memory, show up and begin chasing little Billy Nastyboy. He gets his foot caught in a steel trap, and they let him go - but when he kicks the brothers and tries to escape again, they grab him and play tug-o-war until he is pulled in half and his guts fall all over the ground, looking remarkably like link sausages covered with strawberry syrup. Honestly, he's such a rotten brat you're glad to see him go, you let yourself think . . . for just a moment . . . that maybe this movie won't be so bad after all. But no . . .

Then there's Beefteena's dad, and a vaguely attractive, bosomy cousin named Snowflake or Snowball or something like that, a rabid grandma(n), a missing journalist, a shotgun wedding to the investigating sheriff who gets captured by the brothers and has ONE of his cojones crushed with a pair of pliers. Then Beefteena enters a modeling competition . . . and there is her birthday party.

AAAAHHH!!! I've remembered too much!!!!!!!!! :hot:

The cake . . . the new Flapjack . . . grandma eating the sheriff . . . :buggedout: :buggedout:

I can't go on. RUN!!!!!!!! Save yourselves from this steaming mound of cinematic excrement!!!!! It's too late for me. I don't want my eyes anymore. If you pass me begging on a street corner wearing dark glasses and holding out a tin cup, drop me a quarter.

Badmovies.org Forum

Movies => Bad Movies => Topic started by: indianasmith on November 21, 2007, 07:39:42 PM