Badmovies.org Forum

I have often wondered when or if my karma on this board will ever hit 100 . . . this weekend was the milestone, thanks to the generosity and goodwill of all of you!  So . . . as a little payback . . . I will give karma to everyone who posts me a joke in this thread!  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

 (Preferably one I can share in the classroom without getting fired!)  :wink: :bouncegiggle:

How come there's a gate 'round the cemetary?  

'Cause so many people are dying to get in...! 

Can't go wrong with the classics, AH!!! Karma to you!

Q:  Why should you never let a clown make you breakfast?
A:  Because it'll taste funny

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Buddy, why the long face?"

Two muffins were baking in an oven.  The first muffin says, "wow, it's hot in here." And the second muffin says, "Holy s**t!  A talking muffin!"

Q:  What's brown and sticky?
A:  A stick

Q:  What's black, dangerous and sits in a tree?
A:  A crow with a machine gun

Q:  What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A:  A penguin falling down the stairs


Thank you and good night!   :cheers:

Chakotay...  :lookingup:  :bouncegiggle:  I am one of those who liked "Voyager..."
And that's not a penguin falling down the stairs... 


How come priests are compelled to be celibate? 

Because they're allowed Nun...

Three guys walk into a bar the fourth one ducks!
Its a cheesy one, but thats 90% of my jokes.

A wine conosuire walks into a working class bar and asks the bar tender for a bottle of his finest champagne.
 The bartender responds "we don't serve champagne."
"Fine I'll have 15 year old aged scotch."
"Sure thing sir." The bartender then serves him scotch thats only been aged 13 years thinking he won't know the difference.
The conosuire takes a sip and yells" this isn't 15 year old aged scotch is 13 year old aged scotch."
The bartender apologizes and says"Thats the oldest we got sir, and how do you know its not 15 year old aged scotch?"
The wine conosuire replies, "I can tell the age of anything by tasting it!"

Now the whole time a regular has been watching this scene with interest and decides to send a drink over to the conosuire.
When he first gets the drink the conosuire spits it out and roars, "this tastes like p**s!"
the regular then responds"Yea, so tell me how old am I?"
definitaly not apporpriate for school but its still funny, I think :teddyr:

Here's one:
(not sure if you could say it in class)


A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admire.

“What a great picture,” she says to one little boy. “Who is it?”

“That’s my dad,” he says proudly.

“Tell me more about your father,” the teacher says. “What’s he like?”

The kid shrugs. “Beer and p***y.”

 :bouncegiggle:

Subversive humour.

Q: How many times can you tell a subversive joke in a totalitarian regime?
A: Three times. Once to your friend, once to the policeman and once to your cell mate.

KGB1: Comrade, what do you think of the current regime?
KGB2: (after looking around carefully) Exactly the same as you do, Comrade.
KGB1: Then, Comrade, I'm afraid I have to arrest you.

Ummm....OK i got one!



These 3 blondes walk into a bar. The red-head ducked.


.....get it?

Nice variation :thumbup:

 :teddyr:

The biggest joke of all: www.eskom.co.za (http://www.eskom.co.za)  :lookingup:

 :teddyr:

A lady is doing the washing and shouts to her husband

"I need to know what temperature to wash your shirt at."
Husband: "How must I know?"
Lady: "What does it say on the shirt?"
Husband: "Tshwane University of Technology!"  :teddyr:

I studied there: www.tut.ac.za (http://www.tut.ac.za)  :buggedout: :buggedout:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:

Karma, flackbait, that really made me laugh.  :thumbup:

Here's one you can pull on a freind-

You-"Gotta joke for ya! Say 'Knock Knock'.
Freind-Ok...'Knock Knock'
You-Who's there?
Freind-  :question:

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick.
(Props to KillerBees for the "brown and sticky" joke; it's one I tell regularly, usually getting confused looks in response.)

Q: What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A: A carrot.

A masochist and a sadist are walking down the street. The masochist turns to the sadist and says, "Hit me! Hit me!" The sadist replies, "No."

A man goes into a plumbing store and notices they are having a prize drawing. He enters and wins a fancy new toilet brush. The next week, he goes back into the store, and the owner asks him how he likes the new brush. He rubs his backside and says, "It's nice enough, but I think I still prefer toilet paper."

And a couple that probably wouldn't work for the classroom:

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? Yeah, it runs in your genes (jeans?) It works when you say it, but not when you write it.

The elephant looked at the naked man and said, "It's cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?"

One of my favorites, although not class room safe.

Two old friends meet at the railway station after not having seen a couple of years. They go having a beer and talk about the good old times. After a while one says:
"You know, recently I had a really embarassing slip of the togue. I was at the ticket counter at this railway station and wanted to buy a ticket to Pittsburgh. However, there was this young busty girl at the counter and she got me all confused so instead of asking for a ticket to Pittsburgh I ordered a picket to Tittsburgh..."
The other one replies:
"That's bad, but nothing compared to what happend to me. I was sitting with my wife at the breakfast table and I wanted to say: "Honey, would you please pass the butter", but said instad "You old b!tch f**ked up my whole life."

More classics:

A grasshopper walks into a bar.  The bartender says "We've got a drink named after you."  The grasshopper replies "You've got a drink named Marvin?"
 

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.  The bartender says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in the strawberry patch.

Ever seen an elephant in the strawberry patch?

No

It works doesn't it.


Why do bull elephants paint their testicles red?

To hide in an apple tree.

How did Tarzan die?

Picking apples!

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:

A priest, a Rabbi, and a biker walk into a bar...

Bartender, "is this some kinda joke?"

Why should you never go into the jungle between 4:00 and 5:00 in the afternoon?
Because that's when the elephants jump out of the trees.

Why are pygmies so short?
Because they went into the jungle... you get the idea!

1.   Did you hear the one about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself?

2.   A guy walks into his psychiatrist's office, shouting out, "I'm a teepee!  I'm a wigwam!  I'm a teepee!  I'm a wigwam!"

      His psychiatrist says, "relax, relax!  You're two tents!"

Nyuk nyuk nyuk.  :twirl:

Thank you! altough I must admit I stole that one from a friend. Karma back atcha

How do you get an elephant in the refrigerator?

Open the door.

How do you get a giraff in the refrigeator?

Take out the elephant.

The lion called all the animals in the jungle to a meeting, who wasn't there?

The giraff, he's still in the refrigerator.

You need to get across a river that's been said to be filled with alligators, there's no bridge, how do you cross without being eaten?

You swim, the alligators are all at the lion's meeting.

Why was the crossdresser delighted by the radio announcer's command?

He said "Give us your beef".

How is a woman like a box of chicken from KFC?

Fondling the thighs and breasts makes the box all greasy.  :teddyr:

What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart? 
A saloon is a bar room, an elephant's fart is a BARROOM!!! 

Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"


Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.


Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

Stop me if you've heard this  one before.....


Two blondes were passing each other on the opposite sides of a road.  The first blonde yelled to the other:

"How to do I get to the other side?"

The second blonde said, "What do you mean? You're on the other side!"

KillerBees, that is one of my favorite jokes, and it's a river they're walking along, and it can be bee-you-tee-fully milked...!!  Which is what I would have done with it.  You were brief 'cause y're a g'girl.  Thanks for the chuckle.  :thumbup:

Reminds me of the blonde whose mother told her not to let her boyfriend get on top of her or she'd get pregnant.  That night, when the blonde refused to let her boyfriend get on top of her, her boyfriend suggested she get on top of him.  The next day, the blonde saw her boyfriend, elbowed her girlfriend knowingly, and whispered: "There goes my boyfriend... He's pregnant...!" 

Well I'm late to your 100 Karma party and I see you are currently at 109 ... sorry been busy.

So what a joke?

Well most of my jokes are gross, rude, man jokes and we have women and kids here ...

So ... hmm ...

Yo Mama's so dumb that she tripped over a cordless phone.

--------

A string walk into a bar, and the bartender says "hey we don't serve strings here" The string goes back out side, twists himself up, messed up his hair and walks back into the bar. The bartender says" hey aren't you that string I just chased out of here?" The string looks at the bartender and says
.
.
.
.
.
.
wait for it
.
.
.
.
.
No, I'm a frayed knot.

Oooh, blonde jokes!

Did you hear about the blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair dark? Artificial intelligence.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had s!x together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you?"

"Yes, "she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having s!x against a fence.  I'll just keep and eye on them so there's no trouble.   So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious s!x that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for a good ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally, they both collapse, panting on to the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.  After about half and hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, I've got to ask them what their secret is.  So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else.  You must've had a fantastic s!x life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Yo Mama's so dumb she sits on the TV and watches couch.

You're welcome, AllHallowsDay

Sorry I didn't reply sooner, been a bit busy at work lately.

As for the joke, that's the way I heard it but I guess it could be told a number of ways.  I'd only heard it in it's brief form.

I like the punchline, but the beggining and middle are going to give me nightmares.

Does this count as a joke?

Yo mama's so UGLY, when she walks into a bank, they turn off the cameras!

Yo mamas so fat she uses I-95 as a slip n slide!

Your momma so fat it takes me 2 cab rides, a trolley and the cross town bus to get on her good side.

Cowboy walks into an empty saloon

'where's everyone today bartender?' he asks

'gone to the hanging' says the barman

'who they hanging then'

'brownpaper Pete' says the barman

'why they call him brownpaper Pete?

'well his hat's made of brown paper, his shirt's made of brown paper, his pant's are made of brown paper and his boots are made of brown paper.

'What they hanging him for?' asks the cowboy

Barman replies' RUSTLING'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Man robs a bank and takes hostages.

He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, yes.

The robber shoots him dead.

He asks the second hostage if he too saw him rob the bank.
The second hostage says, yes, and the robber shoots him dead.

The robber goes up to the third hostage and asks him if he saw him rob the bank.
The third hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

LMFAO!!!! Oh man....that has such special meaning for me...LOL....thanks for the laugh.

Yo mama's so ugly, when she go to a strip club, poeple pay her to keep her clothers ON.

Yo mama's so fat, she once wore a bright yellow poncho and kids ran towards her shouting, "Wait, schoolbus, wait!"

You mamma so fat her blood type is Rocky Road.

Yo mama's so fat her belt size is equator!

Yo mama is so stupid she's, like, retarded or something. (I somehow don't think I'm doing it right  :tongueout:)

From others:
Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to drop acid but the car battery fell on her foot.

Yo mama is so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's.

Yo mama is so ugly, she made an onion cry.

Yo mama so fat, she wore a RED poncho and kids ran toward her shouting "KOOL-AID!"

Paranoid drug addicts have sex doggie style so they can both stare out the window.

Subject: Ole's Car Accident

Ole had a car accident. Got hit by a truck.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Ole.
'Didn't you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, 'Vell, I'll tell you vat happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Ole continued, 'Vell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole's answer and said to the lawyer, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.'

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Vell as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas
driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas thrown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting, real bad, and didn't vant to move. However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between da eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'How are you feeling'?  Now vat the hell vould YOU say?'

Karma Jack.

Here's one from a movie, can you guess which one?

What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?

My a$$.

Ok-I got one! My wifey just told it to me...
A man and his wife were in bed late one night when they hear a knock at their front door. The man gets outta bed and opens it,to find a drunk standing there. the drunk guy says-"hey can ya help me out...I need a push."
Man says-" It's 2 O'clock in the morning...I ain't going outside in the middle of the night to give you a push."
He closes the door and turns to go back to bed. The guys wife says-"Honey...there were times when you were in the same boat as that fella...why dontcha give him a push!"
"Ok,ok"...so he goes back to the door and hollers out-"Hey-pal! I'll help ya out...where ya at?"
Drunk repies..."In the yard swing."

OK, I think I've karma'ed everyone . . . thanks for the great jokes!

Here's one to go to bed on:

What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear in her back!!!

That's from the immortal "Kung Pow: Enter The Fist".  :teddyr:

PS: I still don't get that joke. Maybe we weren't supposed to. :question:

How do you stop a herd of charging elephants?

Take away their credit cards.



What do you get when you cross and elephant with a rhinoceros?

An elephino!

But that's irrhelephant!


What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

Q: How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1

Trevor wins my joke identification contest!  He shall recieve one karma point as soon as I feel like it which was about 30 seconds ago.

(Aw, indy, you're unfireable!)

Okay, old joke told me by my dear fourth grade teacher.

One day a man from the big city was driving his car through the country, got lost, and found himself on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere. As he was traveling along, trying to figure out how to get back to some sign of civilization, the man was suddenly stopped by an immense pothole in the center of the dirt road. This hole was easily twice the length of his car, a veritable crater. To make things worse, the pothole was full of water.

Seeing an old farmer sitting on his front porch, the man called over, "Pardon me, sir, can I drive through this pothole, or is it too deep?"

"Naw," the old farmer shouted back, "drive on. Ain't too deep."

So the man from the big city stepped on the gas pedal, entered the pothole, and BOOM next thing he knew he was sinking into the murky unknown, with water pouring in through his open window. He barely escaped with his life!

Crawling up out of the chasm, dripping wet, breathless, the man from the city looked up at the farmer and said, "Hey! I thought you told me that hole was safe to drive across!"

The farmer scratched his head in puzzlement and replied, "I thought it would be, since yesterday it was only waist-deep on that flock of ducks I seen swimming across it..."

(Hehe! Say it with me, everyone: groooan!)

EMMR, that's BBBAAADDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Karma to all again!

ok...I have to tell this one! My 15 year old told me this morning...

 What's worse than a baby in a trash can?   :question:

 A baby in five trash cans.     :bluesad:

What's worse than walking through a field of dead babies?

Getting your toe hung in an eye socket!    :twirl:

A guy is sitting at a bar in the Penthouse on the 30th floor of a fancy hotel.  A woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, sailor, what cha drinking?"

"Oh, nothing," the guy replies, "Except for this... magic beer!"

"What?" the girl says, incredulous.  "No way!"

"Yes," the guy says, "I'm dead serious.  This beer is MAGIC.  What this."

The guy downs the rest of his beer, runs over to a nearby window, opens it, jumps out and starts FLYING around.  After about a minute, he comes back in.

"WOW!" says the girl, "That's amazing!  I want to try some of that!"

"Barkeep!" says the man, "Give the lady one of what I'm having."

The barkeep comes over and gives the lady a beer.  She promptly downs it, runs over to the windows,  yells, "Watch me!" and jumps out.

She then promptly falls to the ground below.

The barkeeper sighs heavily and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a***ole when you're drunk!"

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

What do you get when you cross a zebra with a cardinal?

I don't know, but it's black and white and red all over.

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face".

A bear walks into a bar and says I'll have a beer and..................................................some peanuts.
The bartender retorts with, hey why the big paws (pause).

A mole family wake up one spring day and the papa mole goes up to the first hole and exclaims "I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole pokes her head out the other hole and says "I smell syrup too"
The baby mole tries very hard to get by his parent's backsides and exclaims "All I can smell is molasses ". 

Trevor,

You're not supposed to get it.  It's so ridiculous, it's supposed to be funny because of the nonsense factor.  Here's another joke that doesn't make sense, but people laugh because it's so bizarre:

Q:  Why is a duck?
A:  Because the higher it flies, the much.

See? Nonsense, but it sounds so crazy you have to laugh.  Of course, it's funnier when you're drunk.   *lol*

Or a variation on the above joke:

Q:  Why is a duck?
A:  Because a motorbike doesn't have doors.

(And no, I'm actually sober right now!)

Q:  How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  One, but the light bulb has to want to change

Q:  How many men does it take to  change a lightbulb?
A:  Don't know - it's never happened before   :teddyr:

Q:  How many cockroaches does it take to change a light bulb?
A:  Don't know.  As soon as the light comes on, they scatter!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

That's not funny.

They shouldn't have to change our lightbulbs!  But we still have to have ladies night in bars.  I don't make the rules, I just make fun of them.

Karma to all on page 5!

How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
Six.  One to change the light bulb, the other five to sing about how much they miss the old one.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  Real men aren't scared of the dark.

How many teenagers does it take to change a light bulb?
One.  They just stand there and wait until the world revolves around them.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" :twirl:

more jokes, more karma!!  :thumbup:

Yo Mama is so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck!

How about some funny quotes?

"Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?"
- Kelvin Throop III

"Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be."
- Mark Twain

"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
- Dave Barry

"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
- Stephen King

"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."
- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode "Amok Time"

"Question everything. Learn something. Answer nothing."
- Engineer's Motto

"It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"."
- Murphy's laws of combat

3 gay guys walk into a bar, but theres only 1 barstool. So they flip it over.

A man with a dog walked into a pub. The landlord said, "Sorry Sir, no dogs." Bluffing outrageously, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog". The landlord looks doubtful and said, "But its a Yorkshire Terrier." The dog owner put on a look of astonishment and said "What? But they told me it was a very small labrador!"

Why would the bird not kiss the other bird?
Because you could get chirpies and they are untweetable.

I'm sorry I'm late for the "Karma Party".  But then, black people are always late.   :smile:

First off, "yo' mamma" jokes

Ya mamma's so ugly, I took to the zoo, the man at the front gate said "thanks for bringing her back".

Ya mamma's so ugly as a baby, she was breast fed via e-mail

Ya mamma's so fat, she couldn't were those "X" jackets, heilcopters would mistake her as a landing pad

Ya mamma's so white, she's clear.

ya mamma's teeth's so yellow, when she smiles, cars slow down.

ya house is so small, you eat a large pizza outside.

ya house is so small, both the front door and backdoor are on the same hinges.



A man walks into a diner and sits in one of the booths.  He tell the waitress, "Excuse me miss, but I'm blind and looking at a menu is out of the question.  But I have an uncanny sense of smell so if you give me all your dirty spoons and forks and knives, I can give you my order".  Confused, the waitress does as she's told and brought all the unwashed utensils.  After a few minutes of smelling, the blind patron gives his order:  "I would like a steak; medium rare, mashed potatoes with gravy, a glass of coke, and for dessert, apple pie a la mode".  Amazed at his ability, the waitress takes his order to the cook who is also her husband.  "Hey Mike, that strange guy over there just made this order by smelling our dirty dishes".  In disbelief, the cook gives the waitress a dirty fork. "Sarah, tell him to smell this".  The waitress gives the blind man the fork and after less than a second said "macaroni and chesse with broccli".  Seeing this amazement firsthand, Mike and Sarah decided to play a little trick.  With a clean spoon, Mike tells Sarah to rub it on her twat and give it to the blind man.  After five minutes of smelling, the man paused for a little bit.  And then, with a sly smile on his face the blind man yells out: "Sarah?!  Sarah?!  Get your ass over here. I didn't know you work here!"

A black guy, white guy, and a chinese guy are in the king's court.  The king declares to the three, "If any of you can make this monkey first nods its head, then shakes its head, you will have my blessing to marry my hot daughter."  First, the white guy tries to make the monkey mimic his moves to no avail.  Then the chinese guy tried to physically make the monkey nod and shakes its head only to have his face scratched up.  After which, the king said it will continue tomorrow morning.  Later that night, the monkey was attacked and was beaten very badly.  Early the next morning, the contest continued.  The black guy simply walked over to the monkey and whispered in its ear.  He asked "You remember what happened to you last night?"  The monkey nodded.  "You want that to happen to you again?"  The monkey runs to the corner shaking its head.

What's blonde, then brunette, blonde, then brunette, blonde, then brunette?
--------------------------------------------------
A cheerleader with no underware doing cartwheels.

Yo mamma's so stupid, she wore a wetsuit to the store so she could buy surf and tide detergents.


A ventriloquist was doing his act at a club.  In the middle of his act, he said a most offensive blonde joke ever.  Then, a very angry blonde woman sitting near the stage got up.  "I am sick and tired of all these demeaning 'blonde jokes'.  We are not 'dumb', and we are not 'ditzy'.  We are very smart and capable to hold an intelligent conversation.  I am very disappointed that you would belittle yourself to insult blondes like me and others here with your joke and I for one demand an apology."  Mortified, The ventriloquist turned to the female patron.  "You are so right, ma'am." said the comic, "Blondes are people too, and from the bottom of my heart, I truly am sorry."  To which the woman responded, "I'm not talking to you, sir.  I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your lap."

Karma for those, BlackAngel75

Thanks, raj I got more

Ya mamma's so dirty, when she goes to bed, she use sheets with little white angels.  Wake up the next morning, those sheets look like little black muslims.

An army private, with a 25lbs. rucksack marches 300yds in a jungle.  All through the way he's saying in his head: "I hate this s**t!"
An infantry soldier, with a 60lbs. rucksack and a M4 rifle with a M203 rocket launcher marches and low crawls half a mile through a jungle mummbling: "I got in this s**t!"
A gunner, with a M60 machine rifle, 60lbs. worth of ammo is running through the jungle mowing down anything and everything in sight screaming: "I LIVE FOR THIS s**t!!"
An air force officer, with a cup of coffee in his hand, walks 6ft. to his air conditioned office, turns on his TV and says: "What?  No cable?  What kind of s**t is this?"