Badmovies.org Forum

I'll start:

Q. What's the worst part about having a lung transplant operation?

A. The first few weeks you are coughing up someone Else's phlegm.


Next. .. .

A guy walks into a bar acting all macho as he goes up to the bartender and asks for his strongest drink.

Feeling that this guy is trying too hard to be macho, the bartender decides to have some fun with him.

Bartender: You look like the daring type.

Guy: Well, I certainly don't shy away from things.

Bartender: Want to take a dare?

Guy: Sure.

Bartender: See that spittoon over there.

Guy: Uh...yeah.

Bartender: I'll give you $50 if you take a drink from it.

Guy: (looking kind of sick) Uh....

Bartender: Well, now if you're not up...

Guy: (Interrupting) Now I didn't say that. I'll take your dare.


The guy walks over to the spittoon, picks it up, pauses for a while, closes his eyes, then lifts it to his mouth and takes a drink.

The bartender is astonished as he didn't expect him to go through with it.


Bartender: Okay, okay, you won the $50; you can stop now.


But the guy keeps drinking from it.


Bartender: You can stop now! I'll give you $100 to stop.


But the guy keeps drinking.


Bartender: You're grossing out my customers; I'll give you $200 to stop drinking.


Finally the guy puts down the spittoon and walks back to the bar.


Bartender: Why didn't you stop when I told you to?

Guy: I would have liked to, but I got it all in one string.


(http://5g8.net/smileys/sign-eeeew.gif) (http://5g8.net)

Not a gross joke but it's quite funny and at the end of the clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tqZOA7zDfk4

What's grosser than  ten dead babies in one garbage can??

one dead baby in ten garbage cans!!

Whats grosser than gross?

When a cheerleader does the splits and gets suctioned to the floor. 

What's grosser than a truckload of bead babies?

A live one at the bottom eating his way up.

At the risk of proving that I'm retarded, I must confess that I don't get the joke. .

A guy goes into a whorehouse and has little money.  He asks for the cheapest girl he can get.  The madam suggests a girl they call "Sandy Sandpaper". 

He hooks up with the girl and realizes quickly his unit hurts during sex.   He says to the girl, "I can see where you get your name from.  Can you fix that problem down there so I can at least enjoy this?"  The girl goes into the bathroom and they start up again.  This time no problems, matter of fact it exceeds expectations.

When all is done, he asks Sandy what she did in the bathroom to change things around.  Sandy says, "I picked the scabs and let the puss run out." 

How do you unload said truck full of dead babies???

With a pitchfork!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :teddyr:

A teenage girl and her boyfriend are getting it on in her parents' kitchen.
Suddenly, they hear her father come home, so they hastily throw their clothes back on and try to look innocent.
Dad comes in, sees the pair and asks "What's going on here?"
"We're just making sandwiches, Daddy," his daughter says.
"Oh really. And I suppose that's mayonnaise running down your leg."

Anyone who wants to hear a highly offensive, politically incorrect joke, PM Me. Warning, it may offend one of more of the following: Women, Republicans, or Handicapped people. Don't say you've not been warned.

How can you tell if you received a letter from a leper colony?

The tongue is attached to the envelope. 

What's the #1 leper song of all time?
Put Your Head on My Shoulder.

What's #2?
I Wanna Hold Your Hand.

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?". The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes. The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?". Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

What did the leper say to the prostitute? 
Keep the tip...

Did you hear diarrhea is hereditary? 
It runs in your genes...

A dating couple desperate for something new in their love life decide to take dumps on each other one night.  They find it oddly attractive and decide to do it again on their next date in three days. The guy decides he really wants to please her so he takes a bunch of anti-diarhea medicine to save up a big load.  When they got together in three days, the guy stands above the girl and tries hard to take a dump.  He keeps pushing and pushing and nothing will come out.  He looksdown and the girl iss crying.  When he asks what was wrong she replies,  "We do this new thing once and you're already out cheating on me."

This guy goes into a whorehouse and says "I have an unusual fetish. Do you have any girls with boils or acne?"
"You're in luck," said the madam. "We have one girl with a rather large, infected boil on the back of her neck."
The guy is delighted, and pretty soon he has this hooker in a room and he starts sucking on the boil and squeezing it and getting all the pus out.
At this point, the girl accidentally lets a tiny fart escape, and the guy stops.
"What are you trying to do, gross me out?"

How do you eat a frog?





.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Put a leg over each ear.

It's a thinker.

Three guys break down in front of a farm house.  They visit the farm owner who is a kindly old man.  He guarantees them he'll fix their car but at this point its too dark to do anything.  He offers them a triple bunk bed for the night in the barn. 

The guy on the top bunk in the middle of the night wakes up and has to take a dump.  He realizes that its a long cold trek to the outhouse so he takes his dump in the pillow case and throws it down.

The guy in the middle bunk wakes up with the same problem and also ops for taking a dump in the pillow case.  He throws it down and calls it a night

In the morning all three guys are eating breakfast when the old farm owner returns.  He says, "Your car will be all set soon, how'd you guys sleep?"  The guys who slept in the two two bunks rave over the good night sleep they had.  The guy who slept in the bottom bunk says, "It was ok up until two ghosts floated down in the middle of the night.  Its ok though, I beat the sh*t out of both of them."

This woman, who is a big country music fan of the "new country" variety, goes into a tattoo parlour and asks to have portraits of Kenny Chesney and Keith Urban tattooed on her inner thighs. The artist completes the job, but when he lets her check out his handiwork, she gets angry.
"They're both terrible," she says. "I can't even tell who they're supposed to be."
The tattoo artist is offended by this, and insists that his work is excellent.
"All right," said the woman. "We'll ask a third party."
She walks out the back door of the shop, and approaches a wino in the alley. She plops down in front of him, hikes up her skirt and says "which country singers are these?"
The wino is a bit confused, but takes a close look, going from one thigh to the other. Finally, he looks up.
"I don't know who the other two guys are, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson."

 :teddyr: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr: Karma!

Tarzan is out swinging through the jungle one day when a vine breaks and he suffers a serious fall. He's rushed to a jungle hospital, but is so badly injured he requires a number of transplants. The doctor uses what is at hand and gives him gorilla arms, cheetah legs and an elephant's trunk for a dick. At a follow-up visit, the doctor asks him how the new parts are working out.
"The gorilla arms are great," said Tarzan. "I can lift twice as much as before and swing through the trees for hours and not get tired."
The doctor makes a note of this.
"And the cheetah legs are fantastic," said Tarzan. "I can run faster than ever."
The doctor makes a note of this, and seems very pleased.
"But there is one small problem," said Tarzan.
"What's that?" asked the doctor.
"My dick keeps ripping up grass and shoving it up my butt."

 :teddyr: :teddyr: Karma!

Poor Indian chap in court......

Judge: "Tell me why were you beaten up in public?"

Indian chap: "Oh blimey, Your Honour, I was in a crowded bus, my photo fell out of my wallet, so I said to the lady in front of me: "Aunty, please lift your sari, I want to take photo."

 :teddyr:

Man we've already started with the baby jokes?  Have we gotten to that level yet?

I suppose I should add:

Q.  What happens when you put a baby in the microwave?

A.  I don't know: I was too busy masturbating...

No takers?

That is the joke itself, it makes no sense and is there just for shock value.

Not last night but the night before,
Three little monkeys came to the door,
One had a banjo, one had a drum,
And one had a pancake stuck to it's.....

What kind of VD did Harry Potter contract from performing beastiality?
Hog Warts

What does Miss Piggy use for douche?
Hogwash

A woman is breast feeding her baby when out of nowhere she gets her peroid.  The baby poke it's head up and says, "Aw ma, I could have had a V8!"

PM me with it.   

That reminds me. What's green and slimy and smells like Miss Piggy?
Kermit's finger.

And Ghouck, send me the joke as well.

That joke of ghouck's does not disappoint.

WARNING GROSS RUDE JOKE! EXPLETIVES ALTERED.


Q: How do you make a woman scream twice?


A: F*** her up the a** and wipe your d*** in the curtains.


You were warned.

What do you do when an elephant comes in your window?




 :lookingup:




(This one only really works if the person you're telling it to dosen't know ahead of time that it's gross. They should be under the impression that it's a regular elephant joke)




 :lookingup:





Swim for your life!

What has four wheels and flies?

A dead old lady in a wheelchair

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door?

A. Matt

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

A. Art

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?

A. Bob

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pot of boiling water?

A. Stu

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in a compost pile?

A. Pete

Q. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox?

A. Bill

major karma

How do you find a rat hole?

Lift it's tail.

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hanging on a fence?

Barb.

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs once a month?

Flo.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no legs.

Consuelo (PM me if you don't get it and don't mind dirty words referring to female genitalia)

Q. What do you call a woman with one leg  shorter than the other?

A. Eilene.

Q. What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?

A. Irene.

Why do women have legs?

So they don't leave a trail like a slug.

A little boy is crying out in Wal-Mart.

A security guard comes over and says "Are you lost, shall we find your mommy?"

"Yes" The little sobbing boy replies. 

"Ok, what's your mommy like?"

The little boy looks up and says "Big cocks and Bacardi Breezers"

Q. Why did cavemen drag theirwomen by thehair?

A. Because if they dragged them by their ankles, their beaver collected gravel.

Did you hear about the old man who streaked through a flower show?

He won first prize for his dried arrangement.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

What do you call a leper in a jacuzzi?

Porridge.

What did a woman say to Michael Jackson at the beach.
Get out of my son (sun). 


What do you call a leper in a car accident?
A puzzle


Three old guys are in a nursing home talking about their body functions.  One says, "I'd love to have a good bowel movement every day."  Another one hears this and says, "I'd love to have a good pee every day".  The last old guy says, "I have a good pee and poop every day at 7:00 AM.  Only problem is, I don't wake up until 9:00 AM". 

Three old ladies are sitting on a bench when a flasher walks up and exposes himself.

The first one had a stroke.

The second one also had a stroke.

The third one couldn't reach.

One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday.
So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down."

When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?"

The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K."

Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers."

So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep.

The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."

Figured I'd bring this back with this one I heard today;

Why are so many people into sex with barnyard animals?

They're looking for a stable relationship.

You guys should all be ashamed of yourselves.

Especially you !

So, a leper decides to go to a baseball game but, sensitive to his condition, sits way back in the bleachers where he hopes his appearance won't disturb anyone. 

A guy sits down next to him, and the leper says, "Excuse me sir, but as you can see I am a leper, and if my condition disturbs you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the third inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the sixth inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

In the ninth inning, the guy starts puking uncontrollably.  The leper says, "Sir, I can see my appearance is disturbing you, I'll move."  The guy says, "No, no, don't worry about it, just watch the game."

Now the leper is really curious, and asks the guy, "If it's not my leprosy that's making you puke, what is?"

The guy responds, "The guy sitting behind you keeps dipping his nachos into your back!"

A little boy walks in while his mom is in the shower. He points at her bush and asks "What's that?"

"Uh, that's my sponge, for washing," she says.

A couple of weeks later, the same thing happens, except that the kid's mom had recently shaved off her bush.

"Where's your sponge?"

"Uh, it got dirty and I threw it away."

Again, the kid is satisfied with the answer and a couple more weeks go by, until the kid comes running into the house.

"Mommy Mommy, I found your sponge!"

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"The neighbour lady's washing Daddy's face with it!"

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

So she can moan with the other.

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well?

She screamed her hands off.


How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?

They put extra knobs on all the doors.


How did they punish her when she was really bad?

They left the plunger in the toilet.