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There are lots of funny lines from movies, but there are so many more from tv shows past and present.  If you remember any, fire away!


From the SOPRANOS -Tony Soprano to daughter, Meadow: "The Chinese did not invent spaghetti.  How could people who eat with sticks invent something that you can only eat with a fork".

Al Bundy from MARRIED WITH CHILDREN:  Let's rock."

Homer Simpson from the SIMPSONS:  "Suppose we've chosen the wrong God.  Every time we go to church we're just making HIM madder and madder."

From a SEINFELD episode (after George Costanza tells Jerry he urinated in the shower at the gym)

GEORGE: "It's not healthy to hold it."

JERRY: "But it's healthy to stand in a pool of someone else's urine?"

From Alice (remember that):

KISS MY GRITS!!

MARRIED WITH CHILDREN
Marcy: Oh, it's too bad some men don't know how to give up their sports gracefully instead of lingering on like big babies.
Al: Yeah, doggone it. If we could only be comfortable with our age like you darn gals. You know, I mean, in the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila. You got an old woman scared of rain. Then you try and clean and jerk your breasts into a bra, ease some exercise pants over that front and back belly, go down to the market and flirt with the bag boy. I guess what I'm trying to say is it's just pretty pathetic when we guys try to cling to our youth.

Bud: Hey, they're hosting a talent show contest.
Peggy: Yeah, and the first prize is 500 dollars.
Bud: Why don't we enter?
Al: Because we don't have any talent.
Kelly: Dad, what are you talking about? Bud does a solo act every night. Of course, he hasn't gotten an award for it since the Cub Scouts.

Jefferson: So, where's the man who's ready to leave home and go bag some babes?
Al: Right here.
Marcy: Oh please, you couldn't bag your own wife.
Al: No, I could bag her. But it doesn't do me any good. I still remember what she looks like.

Al: Now wait a second Peg, the kids are here. If you want to have sex, they'll have to leave. And if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.

Al: Ah, Peg. You're down here. Damn. Then I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.

Edward Woodward in an episode of The Equalizer:

Robert McCall: "You have five seconds to give me the name. [pause] Time's up, throw him out of the window!"

 :buggedout: :buggedout:+  :teddyr:

From Married with Children, when Bud and Kelly buy a car together:

Kelly:  "You can't touch the car, we don't know where your hands have been."
Bud:  "Well then, you shouldn't be able to sit in the car."

From the otherwise scary BBC TV series The Omega Factor:

Anne: "How did you get here?"
Tom:" Our friend Graham. Either he's on something or he's auditioning for Night Of The Highland Zombie."

 :teddyr:

Well, there's the lines from . . .

"Star Trek"
"Star Trek: the Next Generation"
"Star Trek: Deep Space 9"
"Star Trek: Voyager"
"Star Trek: Enterprise"

. . ., but that's too easy. Let's try something harder. Let's find the funniest lines not heard in those shows. Thus, here's a baker's dozen that had me ROTFL!, whern I heard 'em on TV.

Jim Rockford (James Garner) an Roberts the Butler
"They took all my traveler's checks."--"That's no problem. I'll just call National Express."--
"Well, they weren't National Express traveler''s checks."--"Oh, really. Most people carry National Express."--"Well, I don't alright!"
"The Rockford Files"

Dan Akyrod to Jane Curtin
"Jane, you ignorant slut!"
"Saturday Night Live"

Doctor Who (Colin Baker) to Mestor (Edwin Richfield)
"In my time, I have been threatened by experts, and I don't rate you highly at all."
"Doctor Who: the Twin Dilemma"

McCord (Lee Horsley) and Lenora
"Do you think killing him will bring your boy back?"--NO, but it is going to make me feel a whole lot better."
"Paradise"

Hercule Poroit (David Suchet) and Captain Hastings (Hugh Fraser)
"Please don't fraternize with that creature. I'm still training him."--It's only a parrot."--"I was talking to the parrot."
"Mystery"

Cory (Ben Savage) after seeing Minkus' play Hamlet in ShAkespeare's "Hamlet."
"Oh, great! Ernest goes to Denmark."
"Boy Meets World"

Filmdirector Irwin Mallard and Scrooge McDuck (Alan Young) after Irwin finds a duck's bill in his soup.
"hey, this soup comes with a bill.--"What did you rexpect? That it was free."
"Duck Tales"

Mustafa and Maeve (Jacqueline Coltern)
"Don't you know that it is bad luck to have a woman on board a ship?"--"Don't you know, it's bad luck to have idiots around, too?"
"The New Adventures of Sinbad"

Maxson on hering Xena's (Lucy Lawlss') plan on their escaping from the sunken ship.
"I think I speak for everyone" Then a rasberry.
"Xena: the Warrior Princess"

Iolaus (michael Hurst)
"Sometimes you can learn more by watching an idito, then you can by listening to a genius."
"Hercules: the Legendary Journeys"

Max (Dana Hill) On seeing the cabin, where the family is going to spend the holidays.
"I've died and gone to Montana."
"Goof Troop"

Ned (David Orth) after being shot by Veronica (Jennifer O'Dell) It's the way he says it.
"Women?!"
"Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's the Lost World"

Papi (Alvaro Guttierez) after hearing Suga Mama (JoMarie Peyton) wants to go swimming in the ocean.
"If you don't make it, thousands of fish will eat well tonight."












 

Andy singing to Barney Fyfe from "The Andy Griffith Show," and sung to the tune of "Oh My Darling Clementine"

"Oh My Barney
Oh My Barney
Had a Jail, Couldn't Lock It
Had One Bullet For His Pistol
Had To Keep It In His Pocket"


Louie from "Taxi:"

"DIE, DIE, DIE, with festering boils, DIE!"


From "Police Squad:"

"Cigarette?"
"Yes, it is."

and

"How many fingers am I holding up?"
"Thursday"



Morticia Addams from "The Addams Family:"

"Mind if I smoke?"  (must be seen for full effect)

More Police Squad:
[After walking in unannounced to Dutch's office]
Dutch Gunderson: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Frank Drebin: I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

[after his daughter is kidnapped]   
Warner: "What do I do?!?"   
Frank: "I believe you are in the textile industry."
   

Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Master Shake- "Do you think he'll be able to see us?"

Fylock- "In ways you can only imagine"

Master Shake- "Will he be able to move, see cause if I woke up looking like that, I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it"

More ATHF:

Meatwad: Yeah, Handbanana, that's a good boy!
Carl: He ain't a boy anymore.  He's a man.  Cause he just RAPED ME!
Handbanana: (only Carl can hear him)  You think you can back that up?
Carl: Listen to this guy!  Back that up.. I got bruises to prove it!
Handbanana: No no.. I mean, back that @$$ up.  Yeah..
Carl: Do you hear what he's saying here??
Handbanana: Sounds like someone wants to get raped again!
Frylock: C'mon Carl, he hasn't even been here one day!  How could he possibly learn the English language?
Handbanana: See Carl?  I'm just a dog.  All I know is, 'ball' and 'good'.  And rape..

 :teddyr:

From The Golden Girls:

"Dorothy, anger is a lot like a piece of shredded wheat caught under your dentures. If you leave it there, you get a blister, and you gotta eat Jell-O all week. If you get rid of it, the sore heals, and you feel better." - Sophia
Dorothy: "[pauses] Anger is like a piece of shredded wheat?"
Sophia: "You want poetry, you listen to Neil Diamond. You want good advice, you listen to your mother."

Rose: "Oh darn, I forgot something."
Blanche: "Go in your pajamas!"
Rose: "No, it's not that, I forgot to say my prayers."
Dorothy: "Oh Rose, God wouldn't mind if you skipped a night! He's very busy these days, most of his spare time is spent talking to Pat Robertson."

Blanche: [to Harry] "Sophia's home just burned down."
Harry: [to Sophia] "That's terrible!"
Sophia: 'Not to me. It was a retirement home, and you know what they did? They set off the fire alarm, in a retirement home. Who can rush? Half the people have walkers, the other half can't get out of their chairs. But they've got bells going off like crazy! You know what that does to hearts that only beat a few times a week? It's not pretty!"

Rose: "I'll be fine."
Blanche: "Is this about Arnie?"
Dorothy: "No Blanche, she's upset because they keep changing the taste of Coke."

Dorothy: "I do not snore."
Sophia: "Please, I'll bet less disgusting noises come out of Ernest Borgnine!"
[later]
Dorothy: "Ma, I do not snore."
Sophia: "Please, I had to turn you away from the windows so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!"

Rose: "The name Madonna doesn't really fit her."
Sophia: "Slut! would be better!"
Rose: "Sophia!"
Dorothy: "Oh, please, please! She did things on that stage I never did with my husband!"

Sophia: [after Rose fires her gun and shatters Blanche's vase] "I manage to live 80, 81 years. I survived pneumonia, two operations, a stroke. One night I'll belch and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!"

Rose: "[The robbers] were probably looking for drugs."
Dorothy: "We have Maalox and estrogen. And how many junkies have gas and hot flashes?"

Dorothy: "Stanley, that's what happened, Stanley. I went to a drive-in with Stanley. He said he was being shipped off to Korea, would probably die, and it would mean so much. That was my part of the war effort. It took three seconds. I wasn't sure that we had done anything, actually, until nine months later when the baby came. Then I figured out that we had. You know, that was my only proof."

Rose: "You know Dorothy, I just thought of something. Lorraine’s family’s gonna be black too, aren’t they?"
Dorothy: "Yes Rose. You know, you could probably make them feel welcome if you do your version of that dance that the Huxtable’s do at the beginning of The Cosby Show."

Dorothy: [to Greta] "Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age! What can a woman in her 40's possibly have in common with a boy in his 20's?"
Blanche: "Sex! At 20, a man is at his peak. And a woman in her 40's is also at her peak, so when the two come together, hot damn !"

Blanche: "There's no reason to be embarrassed! Now these are discreet professionals. This is a private matter. Whatever we buy is nobody's business but our own! [picks up a package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] I'd like a package of these, please."
Dorothy: [grabs another package of condoms and hands it to the cashier] "And I'll take these."
Rose: [looks around nervously, then tentatively grabs a random package of condoms off the counter and hands it to the cashier] "...and I'll take these."
Blanche: "Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?"
Cashier: [speaking into his microphone] "JOE, I NEED A PRICE CHECK ON SOME CONDOMS! THESE THREE LADIES HERE WANT A COUPLE OF BOXES OF THE KING GEORGE PROPHYLACTICS, THE LAMBSKINS AND THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE. TWO OF THEM HAVE THE LAMBSKINS, AND THE BLONDE HAS THE ULTRA-SENSITIVE IN BLACK."

"Shady Pines, Ma!" - Dorothy

Dorothy: "Now look, all this nonsense has to stop, Rose. What we saw was not a UFO."
Rose: "Well, it wasn't a plane. Planes aren't that thin, or that bright."
Dorothy: "Neither is Oprah Winfrey, but that doesn't make her a flying saucer."

Sophia Petrillo: "This is directed to Dorothy's lover: Do people treat you differently because you're a lesbian?"
Blanche Devereaux: "Well, most people don't know."
Sophia Petrillo: "Really? I would've guessed right off. Next question to Dorothy: What kind of pain and embarrassment has this lifestyle caused your mother?"
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: "I really don't know, but... I'll ask her tomorrow when I visit her at... THE HOME."

sealab captain murphy to Quinn "Oh why don't you just shout down every idea I have? How about you call Bruce Springsteen and tell him to get another nickname since you're already the Boss! Huh? Yeah? Yeah!"

From Sealab 2021:

Debbie DuPree: Are you the dying, kid?
Griff: I, uh... I, um...
Debbie DuPree: You stutter, too? Could you have worse luck? Oh well, at least you won't have to deal with it in high school.

Still more ATHF:

TV commercial admen for Wong Burger: Just grab the bottom of the cup, rip it and win!  Prizes include a new car or a discount on teriyaki fries!  At Wong Burger, when it's right, it's Wong!
..some customers may get their d*cks ripped off.

Igniknot: This pornography is infinitely excellent.  This dresser, however, is very boring.  Torch the dresser, Meatwad.
Meatwad: But that's where Carl keeps his clothes!
Igniknot:  Look, these women aren't wearing any clothes and they're not complaining.
Urr:  Yeah, dude!  They're kissing each other!
Igniknot:  And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you?
Meatwad:  Yeah, I guess so..
Igniknot:  Then you will torch the dresser because you're a (fires up the Foreigner Belt) DIRTY WHITE BOY.  (brainwashes Meatwad into torching the dresser)

Recent ATHF.

Shake: Where's my flame-thrower?
Frylock: Oh, it probably got lost in the move.
Shake: Or maybe you hid my flame-thrower because I make poor decisions with it.

From Weird Newscasters for Whose Line is It Anyways?

Colin: Convicted hitman, Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty, confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a nick-knack-patty-whack.

From the classic STAR TREK episode THE TROUBLE WITH TRIBBLES, I BEAMED THE WHOLE KIT N KOBOOTLE INTO THEIR ENGINE ROOM WHERE THEY BE NO TRIBBLE AT ALL

Jayne from Firefly

*after seeing two women leave to presumably have sex*

"I'll be in my bunk."

From Sledge Hammer!

(Hammer tousles with criminal on commercial jet)
Hammer: This is for that little kid's piggy bank! (punches criminal)
Hammer: And this is for hitting me! (punches criminal)
Hammer: This is for calling me names! (punches criminal)
Hammer: And this is for ordering pizza! (punches criminal)
Hammer: And this is for making me hold hands with another guy! (punches criminal)
(punches criminal again)
Criminal: What was that for?
Hammer: That was gratuitous.

(after a court session)
Irritating Reporter: Inspector Hammer!  Any predictions about the future?
Hammer: Yes.  Scientists will perform the first brain transplant, and you'll be the recipient.

From UNDERDOG   ITS A BIRD ITS A PLANE ITS A FROG

From Californication:

Hank Moody: You kicked my d!ck out of the house. You made my d!ck homeless. And out of doors is a place where penises don’t generally fare well. So my homeless d!ck now must seek shelter where and whence it can.

Aqua Teen Hunger Force:
(Carl and Meatwad go to visit MC Pee Pants at a warehouse)
Frylock: We need to follow them.
Shake: Look.  I should not walk.. so a CHILD MAY LIVE!
..that's what it does!
Frylock: Get up!

Shake: Frylock.. The Highlander was a documentary.. and the events happened in real time!
Meatwad: So this cliff is magic?
Shake: Oh yeah!  Big time!
Meatwad (preparing to jump off cliff and "be immortal"): I'm doing it now.
Happy Time Harry: Man, look, you gotta be BORN a Highlander.  You can't just become one.
Frylock: See, he saw the movie too.
Meatwad: Yeah, that's right!
Shake: I know I saw cliffs.. okay?  And lots of magic everywhere.  And Mel Gibson.
Happy Time Harry: Uh.. Braveheart?  Hello?

Aqua Teen Hunger Force


Wwwyzzerrdd- Surely this convenience entices you - pornography and online gaming at hundreds of times the speed of your normal advertising service provider. It's so easy to use! And the surgery...

Frylock- Surgery?

Wwwyzzerrdd- ...to implant it at the base of your skull is so painless that it's no wonder I'm number one.