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Other Topics => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: Trevor on March 01, 2010, 08:28:37 AM



Title: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 01, 2010, 08:28:37 AM
Two guys are swimming in the ocean off Durban, South Africa, when one of them turns around and sees two fins heading towards them. He grabs the other guy and tells him "Look at that!" The other guy goes  :buggedout: :buggedout: and says "If that isn't a 1958 Cadillac, we're in deep sh*t!"  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 01, 2010, 08:31:06 AM
What is an owl's favorite subject at school? Owlgebra


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 01, 2010, 12:40:36 PM
Where does a snowman keep his money? 

In a snow bank


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 01, 2010, 01:25:51 PM
Why don't cannibals like clowns?

They taste funny.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 01, 2010, 01:41:56 PM
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 01, 2010, 02:24:45 PM
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey. (Sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 01, 2010, 02:54:09 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 01, 2010, 03:33:57 PM


If you threw a brunnette and a blonde up in the air which one would come down first?
The brunnette ... the blond would have to stop and ask for directions first.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 01, 2010, 03:42:26 PM
Why did they bury the indian behind the mountain?
Because he died.

There's an other version of this, too:

Why did they bury the fireman behind the mountain?
Because that's where the cemetery is.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 01, 2010, 04:33:04 PM
Why did Piglet stick his head in the toilet?

He was look for Pooh.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JJ80 on March 01, 2010, 04:58:24 PM
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.........


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on March 01, 2010, 05:14:01 PM
A man walks into a bar. He said, "OUCH!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 01, 2010, 05:41:14 PM
A man walks into a cafe and orders a cup of coffee, no cream.  A moment later, the waiter comes back and says, "We're out of cream.  Can it be no milk?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Paquita on March 01, 2010, 06:54:43 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.  The bartender asks "Hey, why do you got a steering wheel on your pants?" and the pirate says "Arr! It's drivin' me nuts!"  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on March 01, 2010, 07:27:26 PM
This one's for Indianasmith...

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: SPazzo on March 01, 2010, 07:43:50 PM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on March 01, 2010, 08:07:58 PM
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Two white horses fell in the mud. They got dirty.


How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?

It depends on how thin you slice them.



How many dead babies does it take to make 10 pounds of rib meat?


It depends on whether you're making it "jerky" style.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 01, 2010, 10:48:29 PM
OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!


What's grosser than ten dead babies in one garbage can?

One dead baby in ten garbage cans!

How do you unload a truckful of dead babies?

PITCHFORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 02, 2010, 12:07:29 AM
What is brown and sticky?

A stick


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 02, 2010, 12:18:12 AM
These two guys walk into a bar, right?

Which is really stupid - if the first one walked into it, the second one should have seen it!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 02, 2010, 01:01:17 AM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

---

Why do babies have soft spots on their heads? 
So the nurses can carry five out on a hand if there's a fire in the hospital.

---

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

---

What do emo kids use as birth control?
Their personalities.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 01:23:09 AM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 01:24:11 AM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 06:14:09 AM
A chicken crosses the road and meets up with James Bond.

Chicken: "What's your name?"
JB: "Bond. James Bond. And yours?"
Chicken: "Ken. Chic Ken."

 :buggedout: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:53:38 AM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."

What has four wheels and flies?  A Garbage Truck

And one for Trevor...Whats grosser than gross?  Throwing your underwear at the wall and it sticks to the wall.  Whats grosser than that?  Coming back one hour later and finding the underwear two feet up the wall.   :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:55:14 AM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
That took me longer than it should have to get.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 09:04:11 AM
And one for Trevor...Whats grosser than gross?  Throwing your underwear at the wall and it sticks to the wall.  Whats grosser than that?  Coming back one hour later and finding the underwear two feet up the wall.   :teddyr:

 :buggedout: :buggedout: +  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 09:06:25 AM
Q: What is the definition of high speed?

A: Skid marks by the toilet door.

 :teddyr: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 02, 2010, 09:45:14 AM
3 sisters die and meet at the pearly gates.  St. Peter greets them and tells them they must each answer a question correctly in order to pass.
The first sister approaches.
"Who was the first woman created?"
"Eve."
A bell sounds.  DING!  She is granted passage.
The second sister approaches.
"Who was the first man created?"
"Adam."
DING!  She is granted passage.
The third sister approaches.
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
"Gee.. that's a hard one..."
DING!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 02, 2010, 11:43:35 AM
A man walks into a cafe and orders a cup of coffee, no cream.  A moment later, the waiter comes back and says, "We're out of cream.  Can it be no milk?"
lol, I like this one.


one for UK residents:

what's worse than a dog eating your slipper?

a killer whale eating your trainer


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 12:14:45 PM
Three moles were living in a mound next to a carnival...Mama Mole, Papa Mole & Baby Mole.  

On a beautiful spring day Papa Mole stuck his head out the front hole and said "Ahhh, smells like taffy".

Mama Mole stuck her head out the back door and exclaimed, "Ahhhh, smells like lolipops."

Baby Mole struggled to get past his Mama and Papa who were blocking both entrances but kept bumping up against their behinds.  He went on to exclaim, "All I smell is molasses".  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 02, 2010, 12:45:28 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 02, 2010, 03:21:29 PM
Three moles were living in a mound next to a carnival...Mama Mole, Papa Mole & Baby Mole.  

On a beautiful spring day Papa Mole stuck his head out the front hole and said "Ahhh, smells like taffy".

Mama Mole stuck her head out the back door and exclaimed, "Ahhhh, smells like lolipops."

Baby Mole struggled to get past his Mama and Papa who were blocking both entrances but kept bumping up against their behinds.  He went on to exclaim, "All I smell is molasses".  

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 04:54:11 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 


Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 02, 2010, 05:32:51 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 02, 2010, 05:36:16 PM
what is white with black- a newspaper
why is it that a man becomes a fish? he wants to be called Gill
What did the carrot say to the tomato? He said lettuce in!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:49:45 PM
Why were the girls mad at Harry Potter?

He gave them all Hogwarts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 03, 2010, 12:46:07 AM
What size do elephants come in?
Quarts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 03, 2010, 12:49:15 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear in her back!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 03, 2010, 12:53:37 AM
What do you call hemorrhoids on an Eskimo?
Polaroids.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 03, 2010, 01:06:27 AM
Did you hear the one about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder, and made a spectacle of himself?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 03, 2010, 01:07:13 AM
Why did the elephant cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 03, 2010, 01:10:00 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...but don't ask me how they got in there.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 03, 2010, 02:58:46 AM
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

She threw out all the W's.


A blonde exits her house.  A neighbor watches as she opens her mailbox, notices nothing's in it, then slams it shut and storms back inside.  A few minutes later she repeats the process and angrily storms back inside.  As she comes out the third time towards the mailbox, the neighbor asks what's wrong.
"My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"


A guy brings his blonde girlfriend to a football game.  After the quarter was flipped the teams went their separate ways and prepared for kickoff.  During the game, as the visiting team prepared to pass, fans around the couple yelled, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde whispered to her boyfriend, "What's the big deal?  It was only a quarter!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 03, 2010, 08:36:27 AM
How do you know if a blonde has been using Microsoft Word on your computer?
Theres whiteout on the screen.  

Two blondes were leaving a mall when it started to rain.  They ran to their car and saw that the doors were locked with the keys  in the ignition.  After panicking for ten minutes trying to get the door open the owner of the car exclaimed, "This just is JUST great...it's raining, the keys are in the ignition with the doors locked and worst of all the top of my convertible is down."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 03, 2010, 08:43:33 AM
Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?

A: It's butt.


Did you hear about the blonde terrorist? She tried to blow up a bus, but she burned her lips on the tailpipe.


Shotgun wedding: A wife or death situation.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: WilliamWeird1313 on March 03, 2010, 09:21:15 AM


The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



...

Ugh.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 03, 2010, 01:52:46 PM


What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?  Polly unsaturated

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 03, 2010, 02:54:27 PM
1) Once a fellow was gardening and could not get his tulips to grow.  He asked his friend how he grew his.  His freind said "Just get some small mammals, puree them in the blender with sugar and use it as fertilizer".  The man was shocked. "Really?" "Yes" Said his friend "Tulips always grow in Hamster Jam."

2) A guy was out jogging and saw a man walking his dog.  At the corner they both stopped and the dog started to lick his parts.   The jogger sn****red and said "Some days I wish I could do that." The dog owner replied "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."

#2 is my favorite joke ever.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 03, 2010, 03:53:13 PM
Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 03, 2010, 04:16:39 PM
two cranes walk up to a receptionist. The receptionist asks for their body build, and the two cranes reply that they're cranes. The receptionist has a blank stare, and ask which company are you branded with, Caterpillar, Case, etc?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 03, 2010, 08:22:40 PM
Two blondes go out shopping and one buys a mirror. As they're walking home she stares at it curiously and says to her friend "Hey, the woman in this picture really looks familiar, I'm sure I recognize her", so her friend grabs it off her takes one look and goes "of course you recognize her... it's me, you idiot".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 03, 2010, 08:28:06 PM
A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 03, 2010, 08:30:56 PM
What do a tin roof and a housewife have in common?

If you don't nail them correctly they'll end up at your neighbor's front door. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 04, 2010, 01:55:00 AM
What do Traci Lords and a giant turtle have in common?
When they're both on their back, they're screwed.

---

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? 
He only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.

---

Hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way.

---

What's the lightest thing in the world?
A penis.  Even a thought can lift it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 04, 2010, 03:30:40 AM
A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.

 :teddyr: :teddyr: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 04, 2010, 06:59:23 AM
I think that is my favorite joke of all time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 04, 2010, 07:36:02 PM




What do call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 04, 2010, 07:38:43 PM
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?



"CHANGE???!!!???"


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

"SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY???"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 04, 2010, 09:39:45 PM
did you hear about the two headless men who had a race?

it was neck and neck


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 04, 2010, 09:49:52 PM
How many people from Brooklyn does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NONE OF YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JJ80 on March 04, 2010, 10:02:59 PM
Two antennas got married. The ceremony was run of the mill but the reception was tremendous.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 05, 2010, 08:24:55 AM


A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me a chapstick and put it on my bill."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 05, 2010, 08:54:02 AM
How many people from Brooklyn does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NONE OF YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 05, 2010, 10:27:00 AM
how many microphone technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?


one...two


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 06, 2010, 03:06:57 AM
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because...

Eh, to hell with it.  This video answers it better than I do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySbZvbFMrtE

---

What do you call a chicken in the North Pole?
Lost


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 06, 2010, 09:09:47 AM
Who was the greatest investor in the Bible?

Noah, he floated his stock when everyone else was liquidating!


Who was the best female investor in the Bible?

Pharaoh's daughter - she went down to the river and drew out a little prophet!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 06, 2010, 09:16:28 AM
why is left jealous of right? because right would always be right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 06, 2010, 10:09:04 AM
What do you call a dead guy in a ditch?  Phil.
What do you call a dead guy in the ocean?  Bob.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  At least 10.  One to screw it in and 9 to say "I could have done it better."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 06, 2010, 02:29:46 PM
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cunselo (sound it out)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 08, 2010, 07:27:44 AM
Why didn't the director of Avatar win an Oscar?

He didn't have his Camer on.  :twirl: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 08, 2010, 10:11:11 AM


What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbitt farts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pilgermann on March 08, 2010, 11:52:05 AM
1) Once a fellow was gardening and could not get his tulips to grow.  He asked his friend how he grew his.  His freind said "Just get some small mammals, puree them in the blender with sugar and use it as fertilizer".  The man was shocked. "Really?" "Yes" Said his friend "Tulips always grow in Hamster Jam."

2) A guy was out jogging and saw a man walking his dog.  At the corner they both stopped and the dog started to lick his parts.   The jogger sn****red and said "Some days I wish I could do that." The dog owner replied "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."

#2 is my favorite joke ever.



lol, both of those are great.



What does a buck-toothed cow say?
"MOOF!"

What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where the f--- is my tractor?!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 08, 2010, 03:27:48 PM
What is green, and is hard to s**t out?
A tank.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 09, 2010, 01:59:29 AM
Stole this one from Colin Farrell in The Recruit:

"Seven o'clock this morning, sound asleep, I hear this cracking sound, ripping wood. I think it's part of this logging dream I'm having, but no. The bed's falling through the floor."  :buggedout: :buggedout:

 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 09, 2010, 05:24:13 AM
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.  One looks at the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here or what?"  The other says, "AHHH!  A TALKING MUFFIN!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 09, 2010, 09:27:28 AM
how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

two - one to hold it in place, and one to get so high the room starts spinning


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 09, 2010, 10:46:45 AM
how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

two - one to hold it in place, and one to get so high the room starts spinning

 That one made this baby of the 1960's go :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on March 10, 2010, 12:35:51 PM
A new trend in spam: spambots are trying to post lame jokes on my blog in an attempt to get their comments approved.

Example:

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on March 10, 2010, 02:42:28 PM
A new trend in spam: spambots are trying to post lame jokes on my blog in an attempt to get their comments approved.

Example:

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!

I prefer the old random patches of text garbled together spam. It had a certain vulgarity-oriented poetry to it.

Did you know that as you get older jokes start making less and less sense?
Invisible robot fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on March 10, 2010, 05:00:27 PM
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad it isn't grape again?



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 10, 2010, 05:57:29 PM
Free Refills are only $1.99!
$1.99 hot dogs are $2.50!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 10, 2010, 10:23:25 PM
Did you guys hear the one about the sidewalk?

Its all over the town.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 11, 2010, 12:12:55 AM
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine that married a pincushion?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 11, 2010, 02:43:20 AM
Masochist: Hurt me.
Sadist: No


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 11, 2010, 03:08:08 AM
2 sperm are swimming in a woman's body.  One says to the other, "how soon do we get to the ovaries?"  The other says, "It'll be awhile.  We haven't even passed her tonsils yet."

Also:

2 men are sitting on a fence.  One says to the other, "Do you and your wife have mutual climax?"  The other stops and thinks for a second, then answers, "No.. I think it's State Farm."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 11, 2010, 04:13:36 AM
One I've never got............  :buggedout: :buggedout:

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass."

 :question: :question:  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 11, 2010, 11:08:26 AM
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on March 11, 2010, 12:38:39 PM


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of a  tall sky scraper.

One man turns to the other and says: "You know if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so strong that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The 2nd Man says "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No it's true let me prove it to you." The 1st man says.  So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the  street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again" and again the 1st man jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently  carries him around the building and into the window.

He gets back up stairs and turns to the 2nd man.  "See?  It always works.  Go head.  Give it a shot!"

So the second man agrees to try it out.  He jumps over the edge and plunges down.  He goes right past the 10th floor and hits the pavement with a splat. 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:  "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you've been drinking."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Skull on March 11, 2010, 12:59:06 PM
Two guys are going camping and they forget to bring some toliet paper along.

The first guy had a sudden urge to take a dump and was upset about not having any toliet paper, "What should I do? I need to go really bad."

"This is the woods," the other guy said, "use the leaves."

The first guy didnt like that idea, "The leaves has bugs and prickly things."

"Ok, then use a dollar bill." The other guy suggested.

It seemed like a good idea so the first guy went behind the bush and took his dump; afterwords he came back with poop over his hands.

"Hay! why didnt you used the dollar bill?" The other guy asked.

"I didnt have a dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters instead."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on April 14, 2010, 02:10:02 PM
Once a guy was down in an outhouse poking with a stick and digging around.  His friend runs up and asks what he is doing.  He Says "I dropped my coat in here".  His friend says, man, your coat is ruins, we'll stop and get you another one on the way home.  The first guy says "Thats great, but my sandwich was in the pocket."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 02:12:54 PM
Why does Hitler have a pink car ?
...
...
...
...
...
To drive with


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on April 14, 2010, 02:39:37 PM
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?  Just look for the sesame seed buns

What do you call a nervous cow?   beef jerky

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f..k" all at the same time?  yell BINGO!

What do you call cheeze that's not yours? NACHO CHEEZE


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 03:35:25 PM
which types of frogs can jump higher than a telephone pole? any, a telephone pole can't jump.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 14, 2010, 03:59:54 PM
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 14, 2010, 05:08:40 PM
I lost my watch the other day. I'd look for it, but I don't have the time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 14, 2010, 05:39:37 PM
What did the German sausage lover say after his trip to the bathroom?

"The wurst is passed."


(or did I already use that one?)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 14, 2010, 07:29:26 PM
Knock Knock, Who's there?

I'm a carrot  :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 07:33:03 PM
Why does hitler have a pink telephone ?
...
...
...
...
...
To telephone with.

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 07:55:13 PM
What's an aliens' best friend? his MEGA DEATH RAY!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 14, 2010, 08:01:46 PM
Why are there so many people named Jones in the phone book?
Because they all have telephones!



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on April 14, 2010, 08:03:01 PM
What do you call a masturbating bull?  
Beef Stroganoff


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 08:06:44 PM
There was a tree next to a house, the tree fell on the house. What happened ?
...
...
Nothing because there was no house, HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
(I made that on up myself)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 14, 2010, 08:32:51 PM
Who's GREEN and SINGS...?  FRANK SNOTRA! 
Who's GREEN and SINGS ROCK 'n' ROLL??   ELVIS PARSLEY! 
What's BLACK and WHITE and BLACK and WHITE and BLACK and WHITE...?   A nun falling down the stairs. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 08:33:14 PM
What do you call a masturbating bull?  
Beef Stroganoff
:buggedout: :buggedout: :thumbup: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 14, 2010, 09:52:56 PM
When I left home my mother said "Don't forget to write". I said, "That's unlikely, it's a basic skill"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: SPazzo on April 15, 2010, 12:18:35 AM
What's green and f**ks grannies?

Me, in my lucky green raincoat.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 15, 2010, 07:36:48 PM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?










They're not dead.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flick James on April 16, 2010, 11:44:44 AM
I've always been a fan of the classic:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on April 19, 2010, 04:04:34 PM
Old presidential joke:

What do pantyhose and Saddam Husein have in common?
They irritate Bush.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: TheDope on April 19, 2010, 06:44:27 PM
A nun, a horse, a dog and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender looks at them and says, What is this, some kind of joke?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on April 19, 2010, 07:13:53 PM
Did you hear the one about the butter and cream cheese?

Don't spread them around...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 19, 2010, 09:26:17 PM
What did the cucumber say to the onion rings. I'm already prickly because of you.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 19, 2010, 10:29:41 PM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?
They're not dead.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Where you are in the world, Raff: I've been told that those that have passed there don't rest easy.

The American Institute of Parapsychology named Savannah the "Most Haunted American City".

Bite on that, New Orleans!  :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 19, 2010, 10:38:33 PM
Can you use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence?

My new coat's got nine buttons but I can only fascinate.

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

---------------------------------------------------------------


Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because someone told him to get along little doggy.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 19, 2010, 11:01:47 PM
Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 

What's black and white and red all over? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 

What's black and white and red all over and can't get thru a revolving door? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 19, 2010, 11:03:23 PM
What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:07:00 AM
Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 


 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:24:34 AM
A young girl from the country has just gotten her driver's license.  She decides she wants to drive to the city and celebrate with her friends.

She asks her dad, "Can I borrow the car for tonight?"
Her dad says, "Sure, but you're going to have to give me a blow job first."

Disgusted but really wanting to borrow the car, she agrees.  After going down on him for a half a minute, she surfaces and complains, "Ew!  Your d*ck tastes like sh*t!"

The dad says, "Oh that's right, I forgot.  Your brother has the car tonight."
 :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:35:34 AM
One more:

A boy who was visiting some relatives with his family had just turned 12 and was eager to tell everyone the good news.

He went up to his cousin Bernice and said, "Guess how old I am!"
Bernice shrugged.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his uncle Joe.
"Guess how old I am!" he asked excitedly.
"How old?" Uncle Joe asked.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his Grandmother.

"Guess how old I am!"
Grandmother says, "Let me see."  She sticks her hand down his pants and plays with his manhood for a full minute.  "You're 12."
"How did you know!"
"I heard you tell your Uncle."
 :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 20, 2010, 04:03:27 AM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?
They're not dead.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Where you are in the world, Raff: I've been told that those that have passed there don't rest easy.

The American Institute of Parapsychology named Savannah the "Most Haunted American City".

Bite on that, New Orleans!  :tongueout:

I'm wondering why I deleted my post on this thread: that was silly.  :question: I would really love to come and visit Savannah someday. :smile:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 20, 2010, 04:42:57 PM
How do you make a gay baby cry?
You take the pacifier out of his bum. (Told to me by a gay guy, no less...)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 05:10:30 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 20, 2010, 06:05:46 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?
ME!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 06:37:11 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?
ME!

WRONG, Pumaman breath!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 20, 2010, 07:12:57 PM
What's more horrifying than a truckload of dead babies? 
One, alive, trying to eat its way out. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 07:17:13 PM
What's more horrifying than a truckload of dead babies? 
One, alive, trying to eat its way out. 

Pile of dead babies: same answer!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on April 20, 2010, 08:49:30 PM
Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?

Because of blond boyfriends. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on April 20, 2010, 09:28:02 PM
What do you call a cow that eats other cows?
A Canni-BULL!



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 20, 2010, 10:49:31 PM
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

"are you going to eat that?"

(Very 1990's, I know!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 11:21:30 PM
A woman trying to copycat the Lorena Bobbitt incident raised a large knife while her husband was sleeping one night and brought it down, missing his penis and grazing his scrotum.  He woke up angrily in pain and later sued her on a miss-de-weiner charge.  :lookingup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 21, 2010, 03:58:53 AM
He woke up angrily in pain and later sued her on a miss-de-weiner charge.  :lookingup:

 :buggedout: :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 12:03:55 PM
What did the leper say to the prostitute? 
Keep the tip. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 21, 2010, 07:52:01 PM
What can you do with a dog that has no legs?

Take it for a drag.



BOY: Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play baseball?
MRS. JONE: Honey, you know johnny doesn't have any arms or legs.
BOY: But we need a third base!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 21, 2010, 08:03:45 PM
I was dating this siamese twin, but she dumped me because I was seeing her sister behind her back


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 08:15:36 PM
What do you call a one-legged woman? 
Peg. 
What do you call a one-legged woman not named Peg? 
Eileen. 
What do you call a one-legged Chinese woman? 
Irene.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a lake? 
Bob. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? 
Matt. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? 
Art. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot-tub? 
Stew.  (I wrote that one.  :teddyr:) 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 21, 2010, 08:16:22 PM
Why do kittens make good television station announcers?




Because they have wee paws for station identification.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 08:20:29 PM
What did the Chinese couple call their retarded child?  
Sum Ting Wong.  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Nukie 2 on April 21, 2010, 08:27:09 PM
So a punk says to another punk "Wot would ya do if a bird sh*t on ya"
the other punk said "Leave 'er!"

So a punk with a big mohawk gets on a train, and sits down, and in front of him is a business man,
and he notices the business man staring at him.
The punk says to him " Wot, you afraid to do anyfing radical wif your life mate?"
The business man replies " A matter a fact I have, I once f--ked a parrot, and I'm wondering if you're my son!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 22, 2010, 02:18:45 AM
Two guys sitting fishing by a river, a crocodile swims past and bites the one's foot off.

First guy: "A crocodile just bit my foot off!"
Second guy: "Really? Which one?"
First guy: "I don't know. All these crocodiles look the same to me."   :smile:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 22, 2010, 03:00:31 AM
2 married men, their wives, and a married gay couple all die and go to the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter awaits.  They all approach, seeking entrance.  St. Peter addresses the first married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you passage.  You loved money too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Penny!"
Saddened, the man and his wife sit down on a cloud, sobbing.
St. Peter speaks to the other married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't let you in either.  You loved food too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Candy!"
The couple sits on a cloud next to the first couple and sobs uncontrollably.
The gay couple approach St. Peter.  One of them says to his lover, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 27, 2010, 09:42:39 PM
What's better than roses on a piano? 
Tulips on an organ. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Torgo on April 28, 2010, 12:03:15 PM
Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 28, 2010, 08:29:44 PM
How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?


They both have a sour cough, I guess! :teddyr:






(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 29, 2010, 06:32:00 AM
How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?
They both have a sour cough, I guess! :teddyr:
(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

That one wrapped and bandaged me up in laughter.  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 29, 2010, 07:24:05 AM
A husband and wife book a holiday on a remote island. They check into their hotel, and spend the afternoon lazing by the pool.

As dusk approaches they start to hear the distant sound of drums coming from far away, gradually getting louder.

As the drums get louder, they suddenly notice all the local islanders starting to look more and more worried.

The drums continue on and on, and the islanders become frantic. One of them runs past shouting 'Dont Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

The husband and wife wonder what on earth's going on, so they walk up to an islander and ask him what happens when the drums stop, but his face turns to fear and he runs off screaming.

More desperate cries come from all around... 'Don't Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

They go up to another and ask him "What happens when the drums stop?", but he falls to the ground, frothing at the mouth.

Anxiously the couple grab another islander and beg with him: 'Please...Please... Tell us what happens when the drums stop???'

..his face fills with dread, his eyes bulge with fear, and with a petrified gasp he whispers......bass solo


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 29, 2010, 07:27:18 AM
What's good to serve, but not to eat?
A tennis ball.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 29, 2010, 06:43:32 PM
If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 04, 2010, 05:22:52 PM
LIBERACE could play the piano like no one in the world.  He was simply magnificent on the piano.  
LIBERACE was the greatest of all time on the piano.  But he sucked on the organ.  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on May 05, 2010, 01:39:03 PM
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Lawrence "Larry" LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died in his sleep of natural causes at the age of 93.

Despite his peaceful passing, the funeral preparations were rather traumatic for the family.  The main problem came from getting his body into the coffin.   

You see, first they put his left leg in ... and things just started going downhill from there.

   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on May 05, 2010, 07:23:05 PM
I was just following the world's greatest magician down the road. He had to be. There he was, behind the wheel of his little sports car, when all of a sudden, right before my eyes, he turned into a driveway!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on May 05, 2010, 11:20:40 PM
A man with a car full of animals buckled up like passengers is pulled over by a policeman.  The policeman stares at the animals in his car and orders the driver, "Take those animals to the zoo!"  "Yes, officer," replies the driver.

Later that same day the policeman spots the animals again in the vehicle.  He pulls over the driver and shouts angrily in the window, "I thought I told you to take those animals to the zoo!"
"Yes, officer; I did!  We had a great time!  Now we're going to the movies!"  :lookingup:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dennis on May 06, 2010, 08:08:56 AM
A motorcycle officier spots a woman driving down the street while knitting, he follows with his lights on but she ignores him, he then pulls up beside her car and hits the siren a couple times. This gets her attention, he yells "PULL OVER", she replies "NO, IT'S A SCARF"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 07, 2010, 11:36:57 AM
What's the loneliest place on the planet?  
Scottish pay toilet.  

How come God invented whiskey?  
So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!  



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 05, 2010, 06:06:36 PM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ChaosTheory on June 05, 2010, 08:13:31 PM
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa  :hot:

What do you say to a drummer standing in your doorway?
Nothing, you just pay him for the pizza and send him on his way.

What's the difference between a dead cat in the street and a dead drummer in the street?
The cat was on his way to a gig.
(No offense to any drummers on the boards)

A young man's car breaks down near a nunnery.  He asks Mother Superior to let him stay the night, and she hesitates.  "We just got ten novices today, and I'm afraid they might be too new to the faith to resist the temptation of a man."  Romeo promises to behave himself and the nun sets him up with a room down the hall from the ten new nuns.
The next morning Mother Superior calls the ten girls in and says, "I have some alarming news.  Last night there was a man in the rooms."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "This morning we found a used condom in the room where he was staying."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "The condom had a hole in it."
Nine nuns giggle; one nun gasps.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 08, 2010, 01:34:21 AM
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa  :hot:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on June 08, 2010, 09:30:26 AM
Smokey the bear doesn't have any kids because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 14, 2010, 05:27:08 PM


 What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
 One costs about $1.79 and the other is under a buck.

 Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to    you?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam


 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 14, 2010, 09:46:09 PM
A cannibal is complaining to his buddy:
"I just can't get my missionaries to come out right.  I've tried grilling, boiling, broiling, baking, and roasting them, and they're still tough and stringy!"
The other cannibal asked: "What kind of missionaries are you using?"
The reply: "The ones from down by the river . . . you  know, with the brown robes and shaved heads."
Second Cannibal: "You idiot!!! Those are FRIARS!!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 15, 2010, 07:56:46 AM
Did you hear the one with Santa giving the Porn stars coal for Christmas?
They were being naughty all year.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on June 15, 2010, 08:17:18 AM
Why did the Romans stop using killing Christians at the Coliseum?


The lions were eating all their prophets.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 15, 2010, 08:40:38 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear in her back!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 15, 2010, 08:52:13 AM
What's big, fat, yellow, and can't fit through a revolving door?

300+ pound Homer Simpson.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on June 16, 2010, 07:34:50 AM
Have you heard about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Think about it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 16, 2010, 10:34:15 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her back!
That's "A nun with a spear thru her head".   :lookingup:  I think I posted that joke already, Teach.   :wink: 

What do ghosts eat?  Ghost beef and spookghetti. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 17, 2010, 01:34:33 PM
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking
his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should
have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times
a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or
so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a
year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how
about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and
I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you', and I
holler back, 'Screw you too!'"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 17, 2010, 09:42:15 PM
Two guys walked into a bar, which is really stupid, because if the first one walked into it, the second one should have seen it!!!!


John Kerry walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey buddy, why the long face?"


and this one was popular here in Texas in the summer of 1993 . . .

"How do you pick up Branch Davidian women?"

"With a Dustbuster!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 25, 2010, 06:15:49 PM


Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker go into a Chinese restaurant for dinner. A waiter seats them at a table and hands them each a menu.  The waiter comes back a few minutes later, places silverware and chopsticks on the table, and then asks for their order.

After about 20 minutes the waiter returns with their food.  Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins eating.  Luke watches Obi-Wan handle his chopsticks with ease.  Although he had never used them, Luke decides how hard could it be?  He confidently picks up his chopsticks but finds he can't pick up a single thing from his plate.  He continues fumbling and dropping food all over the place.  Obi-Wan softly clears his throat drawing Luke's attention and says:

"Luke ... use the forks.  Just use the forks ...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 26, 2010, 11:52:17 PM
A friend of mine went to a "Chop House" roadside diner with some friends, who had been bragging on the place's homemade burgers for some time.  The cook was a young guy in a sleeveless T-shirt, apron, and paper cook's hat.  Chad placed his order for a large cheeseburger with the cashier, and she called it back to the kitchen.  The cook scooped up a huge handful of raw meat, stuck it in his armpit, and vigorously raised and lowered his arm a few times, then pulled out a roughly round patty and dumped it on the grill.  Chad said "That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!!!"
The cashier replied: "You should see him make donuts!"   :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Oscar on June 28, 2010, 12:40:30 AM
A mother rabbit and a baby rabbit were in the garden eating carrots. The mother rabbit took a bite of a carrot, chewed on it a while, and said "Hmmm.. this carrot tastes a bit pithy." The baby rabbit looked up and said, "Yeth, I juth pithed on it."   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 30, 2010, 06:14:46 PM
A guy walks into an airport.  He's got 5 little kids with him.  He gets on the plane, all six of them find their seats.  Somebody asks the guy "Are all those your children?"  "No" he says, "I'm a condom salesman and those are customer complaints."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 30, 2010, 08:26:10 PM
Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.
I re-wrote this joke and it's now:
Did you hear 'bout the man who was split in two??  There was nothing left!  But, he was all right!   :teddyr: :bouncegiggle: :smile: :bouncegiggle: :bluesad:  :wink: :lookingup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on July 29, 2010, 10:34:41 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  One muffin says to the other muffin, "Boy, it's hot in here!"  The second muffin says: "Ohmigod!!  A talking muffin!!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 30, 2010, 09:04:54 AM
OK, there was this South African guy named Trevor and he had this underpants problem..................... ermmmm, sorry, that's reality, not a joke.  :buggedout: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 30, 2010, 12:48:01 PM
Two guys are playing golf - one is in his twenties, the other a retired guy around 70.  The young guy hits his ball behind a pine tree.  He's standing there, trying to decide what to do.  Her can't hit the ball over the tree, it's way to tall and way too close.  The old guy starts giving him a hard time, telling him "When I was your age, I'd hit it over that tree, no problem at all."  So the young guy has been challenged, he can't be a coward, so he tries to hit the ball way up over the tree.  He fails, the ball goes into the tree, rattles around in the branches, and lands in an even worse spot than it was in originally.  The old guy chuckles and says "Of course, when I was your age, that tree was only five feet tall."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on July 30, 2010, 03:10:20 PM

Had a friend of mine who got ran over by a car.  He was wide awake when it happened, but afterwards he was really tired.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on July 31, 2010, 10:34:59 PM

Athletes who have bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Hungry clocks go back four seconds.

I had a salamander once. I named him Tiny because he was my newt.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on August 02, 2010, 09:39:24 PM
A blonde is lost in the woods... she struggles through the undergrowth... searching for a way out, and, she comes upon a river... she looks up river, she looks down river, and suddenly, she notices another blonde across the river... she shouts, waving:  "Hey...!  HEY...!!  How do I get to the other side...??"  The other blonde, across the river, looks upstream and looks downstream, shrugs her shoulders and shouts:  "You ARE on the other side!!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on August 03, 2010, 12:43:33 PM
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither did he.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: judge death on August 03, 2010, 08:50:52 PM
Why don't police in Alabama read black suspects their rights?

In Alabama black suspects don't have rights and the police can't read.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on August 06, 2010, 10:56:20 AM
A rookie police officer was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a lieutenant on the police force already covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to a fancy dress ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'That's life and I suppose there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "Never to book a judge by his cover."





Okay okay.  I got another one.




A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. 

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on August 07, 2010, 08:36:38 AM
Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on August 07, 2010, 08:43:22 AM
Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Good to see you back, JK!

And now a joke(ish):

Q: What do you call an Irish mother who has just caught her three sons doing something they shouldn't be doing?

A: A multi-tisker (tisk, tisk, tisk).


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on August 07, 2010, 12:21:22 PM


Tommy needs a day off from work, but has used up his usual arsenal of excuses. So, he decides to try something different.
He calls work and says he won't be in as he has a bad case of anal glaucoma.
There is silence on the other end as his boss asks him just what anal glaucoma is ... to which he replys, " I can't see my butt coming into work today."



In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you push your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a) murder?
b) suicide?
c) Merely making an obscene clone fall?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on August 09, 2010, 04:32:10 AM
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
His pecker is on his head.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the s**t out of the dog.

Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?
He's all right now.

How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
Fill it with gas.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

How many people does it take to wallpaper a room?
Two, if they're thinly sliced

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an a***ole.'”
-Demetri Martin


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on September 06, 2010, 09:26:23 AM
Q: What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?



A: A gummy bear!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on October 03, 2010, 09:37:30 AM
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
 
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
 
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
 
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh** inside!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on October 04, 2010, 07:10:52 PM
Whats a spider's favorite meal?

Corn on the cobweb


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on October 04, 2010, 08:55:02 PM
A drunk man at a bar vomits all over himself.  Embarrassed by what he's done, he laments to the bartender, "Oh, my God.. I just puked all over myself.  When I get home, my wife is going to kill me!"
The bartender puts his arm around the man and says, "Don't worry.  I have an idea.  Put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket and when you get home, tell her someone ELSE puked on you, and they gave you 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The man thanks him and heads home.  When he arrives, he tells his wife, "I'm so sorry honey.. this guy puked all over me today.  But he gave me 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The wife looks closely at the money and says, "But that's a 20 dollar bill."
He says, "Oh yeah, I forgot.  He gave me an extra 10 bucks because he sh*t in my pants, too."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 05, 2010, 01:35:36 AM

Did you hear on the next ep of Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe is going to clean up the Discovery Channel's office?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on October 06, 2010, 02:45:38 PM
A man was dragging a chain in the streets all around town.

The sheriff stopped him and asked why he was dragging the chain.

The man replied, “Have you ever tried pushing a chain?”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on October 10, 2010, 09:16:25 PM
These are the words of an old man being nostalgic for the early years:

"Back in my day, with $3, you could go to the supermarket and get a bag of potatoes, three cartons of milk, a candy bar and a whole turkey.

I also remember there being no video-cameras back then."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 11, 2010, 07:34:46 AM
You know what's a truly terrible joke?

THIS IS!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 12, 2010, 01:51:38 AM

Okay, going to need help with this one.

A lot of people think snow and ice are bad, but you know what's worse?  Slew!

(waits for a reply)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on October 12, 2010, 11:30:54 AM
What's slew?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 13, 2010, 05:32:46 PM
What's slew?

Nothing, what's slew with you?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 13, 2010, 05:35:31 PM
They're finally getting the miners out!  You know, before they started bringing them up through the new tunnel they just did,  they had a small tunnel open where they were passing down items to help the miners get by and pass the time, like food, water, even some PSPs. 

Dunno if it's true or not, but I'm told they all came proloaded with Dig Dug.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on October 13, 2010, 06:26:30 PM
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

He had noBODY to dance with.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 13, 2010, 09:40:55 PM
did you know that dogs are really pigs in dog suits? :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 13, 2010, 09:41:53 PM
What's slew?

Nothing, what's slew with you?

oh nothing, just planning to take over the world (insert your M. Bison/ The Brain joke here)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on October 16, 2010, 07:08:54 PM
Two necrophiliacs lying in bed
Each one wishing that the other was dead.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on October 20, 2010, 09:28:09 PM
A man walks into a bank and tells the female teller, "I want to open a f***ing bank account."
The teller furrows her brow and says, "Excuse me??"
Undaunted, the man repeats, "I want to open a f***ing bank account!"
The teller says, "Sir, I simply cannot allow that kind of language in this facility.  If you continue, I will fetch the manager."
The man, incredulous, says, "What's the big deal?  I just want to open a f***ing bank account!"
The teller storms off and returns with the manager.
The manager looks at the man and says, "What seems to be the problem sir?"
The man says, "All I want to do is open a f***ing bank account.  I have 500,000 dollars."
The manager points at the teller and says, "Oh!  And is this f***ing b*tch giving you trouble?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 21, 2010, 12:18:24 PM

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

The reading of a will is a dead giveaway.

When two egoists meet, it's I for an I.

When chemist die, we barium.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 24, 2010, 12:16:18 PM
you know it's embarrassing when a banana slips on a banana peel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on October 24, 2010, 09:20:51 PM
Q: How do you fix a jack-o-lantern that you've made a mistake on?





A: You use a pumpkin patch!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on November 08, 2010, 08:24:10 AM
Two cannibals are sitting down to dinner.
One of them heaves a big sigh.
The other asks "What's wrong?"
The first says "Oh, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."
The second one says "So? Then just eat the vegetables."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 08, 2010, 11:29:31 AM
Q: What's pimply, greasy and a disgrace to humanity?







A: Your face.  :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on November 09, 2010, 10:12:01 AM
What is a hamburger's favorite dance?

The char-char.

Why are hamburgers better than hotdogs?

Because hotdogs are the wurst.

What kind of girl would a hamburger go for?

Any girl named Patty

What kind of hamburger can tell your fortune?

A medium.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 09, 2010, 07:23:57 PM
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 09, 2010, 07:35:59 PM
Q:Who tells the worst joke?

A: Any cast members from The Big Bang Theory


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on November 11, 2010, 12:37:40 AM
I hope I didn't tell this already:

A blonde and her boyfriend attend a football game; her first.  After the referee tossed the quarter in the air to determine who would get the right to elect to receive or kick, the home team kicked the ball to the visiting team.  After a touchback the defense got on the field.  The ball was snapped and the quarterback began scrambling under pressure.  The frantic crowd began yelling, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"

The blonde stood up and yelled at the fans around her, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"
 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 11, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
Why was the snowman so happy?


'Cause the snowblower came over.  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 20, 2010, 08:15:12 PM
So there's this couple, and the woman is going to the guy's house to have dinner and meet his parents. Now, as she has never before encountered them, she's EXTREMELY afraid of making a bad impression.

As they start eating at the table, the woman becomes so nervous that she lets loose a fart. The father looks at her chair and says (in an aggrivated tone) "Max". The woman looks down and notices the family dog beneath her. "Phew, he thought it was the dog", she thought.

The dinner continues and the woman emits another fart. The father becomes more agitated and says: "Max, seriously!"

"This is great, I can emit as much farts as I want and the dog will get the blame!", the woman thinks.

When the dinner was about finished, the woman farts again. This time on purpose. The father, now extremely angry, gets up and yells: "Damnit Max! Get out from there before she sh!ts on you!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on November 22, 2010, 06:00:54 PM
Once a guy went to a psychologist.  and he was told he needed a roarsch blot test
So he sees the first one and says "Sex"
Second one "Sex"
third one "naked people"
4th one "sex" and so forth.
The doc says, "sir you have a real problem withh sex"
The guy says "Well you are the one flashing pornography"

and #2
A guy loved beans, but had to swear off of them due to intestinal problems.  One day on his birthday, he decided to treat himself and ate a ridiculous amount for lunch.  He goes home that afternon and his wife meets him at the door with a blindfold and tells him to sit in the dining room and wait for dinner.  So he sits and the beans start up, and he farts again and again, waving his arms around to dissapate the smell.  FInally his wife comes in and whips off the blindfold for his suprise dinner....
12 friends sitting around the table with him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 22, 2010, 11:12:37 PM
what do you get when a blonde stands on her head? A Brunette  with bad breath


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on November 23, 2010, 10:31:41 AM
Here's Uncle Miltie on the Mafia.

Israel has it's own Mafia-The Kosher Nostra

One young gangster joined the Mafia because he wanted to follow in his father's fingerprints.

New York isn't  even safe for criminals. One guy held up a bank and got mugged on the way to the getaway car.

Times are tough even for the Mafia these days. Last month they had to lay off three city councilman,


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on January 23, 2011, 11:19:00 PM
Q: What happens when you insert human DNA into a goat?


A: You get kicked out of the petting zoo.  :buggedout: :bouncegiggle: :buggedout: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 24, 2011, 12:31:18 AM
what do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he isnt going to come to you.

where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on January 24, 2011, 02:00:14 AM

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on January 24, 2011, 03:22:56 AM

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.

There's the classic:

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh--"
"Moooooooo!"

I came up with the following joke which has never made anybody laugh but me.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Disappointing George."
"Disappointing George who?"
"..."
Remain quiet until they attempt to punch you in the face.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 24, 2011, 03:28:16 AM
The one I've never been able to figure out:

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?"
"My ass."

 :question: :question: :question:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:12:32 PM
A guy who was having his yearly physical decided to play a prank on his doctor.

When he brought a urine sample from home, he had his wife and daughter add their own to it, as well as a bit of oil from his engine, and a semen sample from him.

When the doctor called him in the office to discuss the results, the doctor told him flat out:

"OK, smart-ass, you think this joke was funny, well laugh this off---first off, your wife has VD,  your daughter's pregnant,  your car's about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop maturbating, that tennis elbow of yours is never going to heal!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:35:38 PM
If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!

O-hooooooooo, that was bad.   I'm telling my Mummy on you...






Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:45:12 PM
Why do female paratroopers wear jock straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down...


Science has finally concluded that the Egg came first, but only after the Chicken...


There was a sailor sitting on the shore with a normal sized body and tiny head.  When one of his fellow sailors asked him what happened, he said that a mermaid appeared and said she would grant him 3 wishes.  

"What happened"? his buddy asked.  

His friend replied,  "I said to her, how about a little head"?


A nun and a priest were stuck in the desert after their camel died from lack of water.  As they both lay dying, the priest pulled up his robe and exposed himself to the nun.

"Do you know what this is, sister?  It's the Staff Of Life..."

The nun looks at the priest and says "well shove it up that camel's a*s so we can get the hell out of here!"


And finally, this one:  A woman who was totally drunk leaned over and said to the bartender, "gimme' another marshini, bud. I have such a bad case of heartburn!"

The bartender looks at her and says, "you mean, you want a martini, not a marshini, And second, you don't have heatburn, one of your t!ts is in the ashtray."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on January 24, 2011, 05:51:28 PM
*The Doctor knocks on your door*
You: "Who's there?"
The Doctor: "The Doctor!"
You: "Doctor Who?"
The Doctor: "Exactly!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 24, 2011, 06:52:19 PM
*Disclaimer* If you laugh at this, you'll go to hell.  :buggedout: :teddyr:


A rabbi and a catholic priest are urinating in a bathroom in two seperate urinals. The rabbi looks over to the catholic priest and notices a nicotine patch on his dick. The rabbi asks: "Why is that on your dick? Shouldn't the patch go on your arm?"

The catholic priest answers: "I'm trying to cut down from three butts to one butt a day"

 :bouncegiggle: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 07:23:24 PM
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she misbehaved?    They left the plunger in the toilet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 07:29:53 PM
Why did the pervert cross the road?                His d!ck was stuck in the chicken.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 24, 2011, 08:18:07 PM
*Disclaimer* If you laugh at this, you'll go to hell.  :buggedout: :teddyr:


A rabbi and a catholic priest are urinating in a bathroom in two seperate urinals. The rabbi looks over to the catholic priest and notices a nicotine patch on his dick. The rabbi asks: "Why is that on your dick? Shouldn't the patch go on your arm?"

The catholic priest answers: "I'm trying to cut down from three butts to one butt a day"

 :bouncegiggle: :buggedout:

i laughed, but i already knew i was going to hell.

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 09:55:12 PM
Mommy Mommy i dont like running around in a circle.    Shut up or i'll nail your other foot to the floor.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 10:00:03 PM
Mommy Mommy i dont wanna go see grandma.    Shut up and keep digging.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 24, 2011, 11:38:47 PM
Mommy mommy I hate Daddy's guts!!

Shut up and eat what's on your plate!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 25, 2011, 12:31:21 AM
What do you call a woman who's left leg is longer than her right?
Ilene.

What if she is from the pacific rim?
Irene.

What do you call a guy with no arms no legs tacked to your wall?
Art.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 25, 2011, 01:01:33 AM
Mommy Mommy i dont like this spaghetti. Shut up or i will rip the veins out of your other arm.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 25, 2011, 02:56:52 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the prairie and heard a rumble in the distance. Tonto put his ear to the ground, a few seconds later he said " buffalo come Kemosabe". The Lone Ranger asked how he knew. Tonto said "head stuck to ground".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 25, 2011, 03:08:50 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the prairie and heard a rumble in the distance. Tonto put his ear to the ground, a few seconds later he said " buffalo come Kemosabe". The Lone Ranger asked how he knew. Tonto said "head stuck to ground".

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 26, 2011, 01:48:23 AM
What is the only thing that Chuck Norris can't break?

Justin Bieber's voice.  :twirl: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on January 26, 2011, 08:53:15 AM
What is the only thing that Chuck Norris can't break?

Justin Bieber's voice.  :twirl: :wink:

That joke was GOOD! What's it doing on THIS thread?!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on January 31, 2011, 01:19:14 PM
I grew up in a rather abusive family.  I remember one time I was in my bedroom and my mom came in all mad at me.  She threw me on the bed and started whipping me with whatever was handy.  Through the pain I realized, "She's whipping me with my own TOYS!."  Can you just see this woman Christmas shopping?

"Yeah, that'll hurt!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 31, 2011, 09:07:55 PM
what do you call a woman with her legs and arms cut off and in the ocean? Bobbie

What do you call a man who watches Bad movies and never changes out of his underwear? (hint: he lives in South Africa)

What was the reason why the glass broke? The glass were tired of hearing Justin Beiber singing.

Worst name ever: Phillip M. Y. Crack


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on February 01, 2011, 03:14:20 AM
Roses are red, Violets are blue. At least thats what they tell me, because i'm blind.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 01, 2011, 03:16:32 AM
What do you call a man who watches Bad movies and never changes out of his underwear? (hint: he lives in South Africa)

Hmmm..............dunno.  :wink: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 01, 2011, 03:28:25 AM
Dumb, old kinda racist one:
What do you call an Asian man who can't tell the truth?
Ryan.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on February 01, 2011, 03:45:01 AM
Roses are red, Violets are blue. At least thats what they tell me, because i'm blind.


That's a John Callahan (http://www.callahanonline.com/index.php) joke! That guy is hilarious, one of the forefather's of the sick humor one panel joke.

My favorite variation of that is:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You think this will rhyme,
But it ain't gonna.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on February 01, 2011, 04:01:49 AM
I saw that in a cartoon years ago, i think it was in Hustler :teddyr: :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on February 01, 2011, 02:28:41 PM
A drum set falls off a cliff...

*BUDUM-CHING*


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on February 09, 2011, 01:36:35 PM
what do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
Doug.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on February 09, 2011, 07:30:33 PM

Walk like an Egyptian?

What, you mean dodging rubber bullets while throwing rocks?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 09, 2011, 08:04:05 PM
So two guys pull up at a stop light. the guy in the left lane is driving a Ferrari, but doesn't notices the gas light is on. the guy on his right is driving a beater car and has his girlfriend with him.. the left guy is signaling for a race, the other accepts. the wage was the Ferrari for the girl. the light turns green and the Ferrari stalls. the moral of the story is to never drive half blinded.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 09, 2011, 10:45:07 PM
One I heard on a tv show tonight...A sloth is assaulted by three turtles.  He calls the cops and when they arrive they ask him for a description of his assailants.  He replies, "I.....don't....know....it...all....happened....so......fast....."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 09, 2011, 10:57:58 PM
From Taxi:
Man #1: What does a yellow light mean?
Man #2: Slow down!
Man #1: What... does... a... yellow... light... mean...?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on February 09, 2011, 11:03:20 PM
Forensics: "Justin Bieber was shot to death in his dressing room only a few minutes before his show started."
Horatio Kane: "I guess the killer was...."
*Puts on sun glasses*
Horatio Kane: "JUSTIN TIME!"
The Who:
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on February 09, 2011, 11:10:07 PM

Did you guys hear about the new German oven?

It seats seven.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on February 10, 2011, 02:19:43 AM
From Taxi:
Man #1: What does a yellow light mean?
Man #2: Slow down!
Man #1: What... does... a... yellow... light... mean...?

Reverend Jim is man #1 played by Christopher Lloyd.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on February 11, 2011, 10:30:34 PM

How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 11, 2011, 10:45:32 PM
Not for the faint of heart or the easily offended;

A man from India moves to the States to start a new life.  Things go well for a month but all of a sudden he starts to get ill for no reason.  He goes to several doctors who have no clue what is ailing him. 

Finally one day he ends up in an office of a doctor from his homeland.  The doctor knows immediately what is wrong with him.  He tells the man to go into the bathroom, sh!t in the toilet, take a leak on top of it and to cap it off puke.  He is instructed not to flush it and to turn the personal heater in the room to 110 degrees.  Although the man finds this odd, he decides to do it.  Sure enough after spending a half hour in the room he starts to feel better.  Elated he thanks and asks to doctor what was wrong with him.

The doctor tells him he was only homesick. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 12, 2011, 12:27:59 PM

During a routine appendectomy, a man accidentally has both his testicles removed!

So, he went to his urologist to see what could be done to cosmetically correct his appearance, as well as the effect upon his performance.

The doctor offers to graft a pair of onions onto his scrotum. They're about the same size, and noone would know the difference. 

After going to see his doctor 2 weeks after the graft, he doctor gets a mixed report:

"Doc, they look great and all, and I can't tell the difference, but there's a problem."

"What?" said the doctor.

"Well, everytime I take a p!ss, my eyes start burning,  every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hanburger stand, I get a raging hard-on!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BoyScoutKevin on February 12, 2011, 04:54:22 PM
Visit Flam (Norway) and its sister city Flim for a double dose of Flim Flam.

Visit the Dingle Penisula (Ireland,) and you'll receive a dinner of Irish specialities. There be . . .

potato soup, potato salad, a large baked potato w/ a side order of hash browns, potato flour bread, and for dessert sweet potato pie.

Visit the Chateau de Rochecotte in the Loire Valley (France.) Once the home of Prince Tallyrand, called Tally-ho by his friends, but not to his face, and the Duchess of Dino. You can tell she was one for the dogs. "Down, Dino! Down!"

Visit the Chateau de Champchevrier and meet its owner Le Baron. They call him that to distinguishe him from his two older brothers Le Duc de Earl and Le Earl de Duc.

Visit the Alps. The Austrian Alps. The German Alps. The Italian Alps. The Swiss Alps. Actually, there is only one Alp. They have just become very proficient at taking it down at night and putting it up somewhere else in the morning.

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 12, 2011, 10:25:45 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on February 13, 2011, 12:23:59 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.




I don't get it...  :question:




 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 13, 2011, 07:41:11 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.
Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  :question: :teddyr:
Don't encourage him.


A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"   :wink:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 
Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 13, 2011, 10:51:06 PM
a man is on trial for assalting two peanuts
What do you call a stingray that doesn't sting? Ray
so an elephant and a horse are at a bar. the horse orders a martini and the elephant orders a banshee. the horse then tells the elephant that they're not playing the 12 hour non-stop Halo contest.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 14, 2011, 01:23:01 AM
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart??   :question:

One is a bar room.  The other is a BARROOM!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 14, 2011, 07:46:38 PM
why was the doctor frusterated at the donkey? he was a pain in the ass


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 15, 2011, 10:00:26 AM
A blonde goes to the doctor with both her ears burnt.  The doctor asks her what happened.  She replies with, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang.  I mistook the iron for the phone and burnt me left ear”.  The doctor then asks what happened to her right ear.  She replies with, “the sonofab!tch called back”. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on February 15, 2011, 03:36:40 PM
How does a cannibal dump his girlfriend?

He flushes the toilet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 15, 2011, 06:10:47 PM

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.
Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  :question: :teddyr:

Don't encourage him.

Aww, c'mon, it was just a reminder  :wink:

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"   :wink:

That's nuthin' man-I once had a dream that I ate the biggest marshmallow in the world, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!  :buggedout:  Peace  :smile:


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 
Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.


One time a female missionary went to an Indian tribe to try to gain converts.

She sees one chieftain with 100 feathers on his headdress. When she asks what it means, he smiles says "300 Indian women; f**K em' good,  s**k em' good!"

She looks at the chief and goes, "Oh dear!"  The chief replies "No, no deer, teeth too sharp, and ass too high!" 

C'mon folks, this is the terrible joke thread, right?  :bouncegiggle:     


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on February 16, 2011, 09:04:48 AM
Random guy: "Hey Horatio Kane! KNOCK KNOCK!"
Kane: "Who's there?"
Random guy: "THE!!"
*Kane puts on sun glasses*
Kane: "The Who?"
The Who: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2011, 10:39:56 PM
what does a dentist, a miner, and a carpenter have in common? They're all drilling for something sweet.
What's the difference between a bull and a blond?
the Blond doesn't know who to charge at men.

What happens to a crushed grape? Nothing, it only lets out a little whine. (Say it out if you need to)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ghouck on February 17, 2011, 12:47:34 AM
Michael J Fox goes into a ice cream parlor and says "Gimme an ice cream". The guy behind the counter says "What flavor"? Michael J Fox replies: "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to drop it on the ground"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on February 17, 2011, 01:13:16 AM
A woman calls her kids, a boy and a girl, into the kitchen to eat dinner.  They sit down and stare at their food, grilled sausages in buns. 

The boy takes a bite and says, "What kind of sausage is this?"

Mom says, "Oh, it's special meat.  It's venison."

"What's venison?" the girl asks.

"I'll give a hint: it's what I call your father sometimes."

The boy throws his on the table and yells, "Spit it out, Sally, it's made of a***oles!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on February 17, 2011, 10:30:12 PM
Dear God,

This year, I want a large bank account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 17, 2011, 10:33:09 PM
A late Michael Jackson joke. 

Did you hear that Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated and put into a box of Rice Krispies?

He wanted to get the feeling of going through a 10 year old's @ss one last time.

(what?  check the title of the thread)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 17, 2011, 10:39:06 PM
One more awful MJ joke I heard today...

Whats the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic and dangerous to children and the other you can carry groceries in.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on February 18, 2011, 12:09:05 AM
What do snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 18, 2011, 01:00:12 AM
what's the difference between Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj? One has some talent that a few people here like, the other looks like a robot


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doc Daneeka on February 18, 2011, 01:34:54 PM
What do middle-eastern zombies say?

BAAHHHRAAAIIIINSSSS


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 18, 2011, 06:46:12 PM

What did Dracula say when a fellow vampire yelled at him for accidentally stumbling into his crypt?

"It wasn't my vault.."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Newt on March 02, 2011, 10:51:54 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. 

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal  his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on March 09, 2011, 02:51:20 PM
A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them they could ride their bikes there.  Also, Janie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice bodies and wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.





 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on March 30, 2011, 02:15:57 PM
*Disclaimer* I've got nothing against Michael Jackson. I think he's extremely talented and deserves the title of the King of Pop.

Anyway, on with the joke:

When Farah Fawcett died and went to heaven, she asked God to make sure that the children of the world are safe.




Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 30, 2011, 05:50:25 PM
Santa Claus was arrested today when he allegedly pointed at three girls and went ho ho ho. news at ten.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on March 30, 2011, 07:14:35 PM
Why did the couple get a divorce the day after their 75th wedding anniversary?

They wanted to wait until all the children were dead.


Why does it not take lesbians a long time to have sex?

Because they make love lickety split.


Why do kittens make good television announcers?

Because they have wee paws for station identification.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on April 06, 2011, 12:39:44 PM
I went to my therapist and told him I had an addiction to Twitter. 

He said he didn't follow me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 06, 2011, 06:29:38 PM
There are these two neighbors who are arguing at each other, one of them complains the other guys house if full of cracks. the other guy said he's not a crack head.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 06, 2011, 09:47:40 PM
 :thumbdown: :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 06, 2011, 11:42:16 PM
A man goes to the grocery store and gets the biggest bag of dog food he can find, a 40-pound bag.  He slings it onto the counter.  The teller recognizes him as a neighbor but has never seen a dog at his house.  "Why are you getting this?" she asks.
"For my dog." he says.
"I don't think you own a dog."
"But I do!  Why won't you believe me?"
"Tell you what, bring your dog in to prove to me you own one."
Angrily, the man complies and is allowed to purchase the dog food.
The next day the same man buys the largest bag of cat food he can find, a 50-pound bag.  The teller doesn't recall seeing a cat at his house.
"Sorry, I need you to bring in your cat to prove you own one and I'll let you buy the bag."
The man leaves in a huff, returns with his cat and buys the bag.
The next day the man brings a big hefty bag full of some unknown matter.  He plops it on the counter.  The teller wrinkles her nose and asks what's in it.
"Put your hand inside and feel." the man says.
She complies and is horrified to find the bag is filled with sh*t.
The man says triumphantly, "There!  Now that I've proved I have an a**hole, I can buy toilet paper here!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on April 07, 2011, 06:50:18 AM
This entire thread right here is my joke.

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,133846.0.html

Plenty of shoe jokes to go around.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 11, 2011, 07:50:09 PM
Why did Edward from Twilight visit Narnia?

Because he's THAT far in the closet.



Why do women like jewish men?

'Cause they're 10% off.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on April 20, 2011, 07:05:43 AM
What's the difference between a slut and a b***h?

A slut sleeps with everyone, a b***h sleeps with everyone but you.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2011, 09:39:23 AM
What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?


A receding hareline.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on April 20, 2011, 07:40:55 PM


What's red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A parrot in a blender.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: WilliamWeird1313 on April 21, 2011, 03:58:38 AM
Copy-and-pasted.

I found this one on a website (URL below) I was skimming the other night, all about the folklore of death. This was in the humor section. I thought it was so terrible, yet still funny, and I figured it belonged in this thread.

Quote
There once was a man who had no arms. He decided on day that he needed a job, so he looked thru the want-ads in search of work. He saw listed "Bell ringer for local church." When he applied, the minister of the church said he didn't think he could perform the task of bellringer without arms, but he told him he would prove that he could do the job. So they went up to the bell tower and he went to the opposite side and ran as hard as he could toward the bell and banged his head against it and sure enough the bell rang, so the minister gave him the job. Everyday, year after year he rang the bell. One day he tripped and fell out of the tower. A crowd of people gathered around, one lady said "this is just horrible, does anyone know this man." A gentleman spoke up and said "I dont know his name but his face rings a bell."


source: http://www.alsirat.com/deathlore/


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 21, 2011, 06:22:43 PM
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw his gas bill.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 21, 2011, 08:27:14 PM
Three football players for a big 10 college flunked their World History Exam.
They were strong, fast, good players, but had the collective IQ of a bowl of potato salad.
The coach talked to the President, the President talked to the Dean, and the Dean had a chat with the professor.  He called them all in said "OK, goons, I've been directed to give you another chance at my exam which you all flunked.  I've simplified the process a bit.  I will ask each of you one question orally and you will respond orally.  If ONE of you gets this ONE question right, all three of you will pass the class and be allowed to play.  But you must come in one at a time and not talk about the question after you've had it."
  The three went into the hall, and then one came in alone.  The professor said: "Here you go.  Simple question. What is Easter?"
  The player's face scrunched up as he thought, then lightened.  "Ooh-ooh!"  He said.  "I knows it!  That's the holiday in the fall where we roast a giant bird and hold a feast to celebrate the Plymouths landing at Pilgrim Rock!!!"
  "Wrong!" snapped the prof.  "Next!"
  The next player filed in and the prof repeated the question.  The player buried his face in his palms, thought a moment, then said "Ooh-ooh!! I knows it!! That's the big holiday in December when we put a dead tree in the living room and the fat old hippie in the red suit comes down the chimley and leaves presents for everybody!"
   "WRONG!!!" said the professor, who was by now enjoying himself immensely.  "Nest!"
   The third player stepped in.  The prof said: " Both your buddies blew it.  It's all on you now.  What is Easter?"
   Without hesitation the young man answered: "Easter is when we celebrate the Resurrection of a man named Jesus Christ.  He was crucified by the Romans two thousand years ago, and on the third day the angels came and rolled the stone away from his tomb and he came out alive again. Ever since then, every Easter, the angels come down and roll away the stone and Jesus comes out.  And if He sees His shadow we have six more weeks of bad weather!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doggett on April 30, 2011, 08:48:29 PM
Why do muppets never have casual sex?

It always comes with strings attached.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on May 03, 2011, 12:18:15 PM
Four guys had died are were waiting to get through the Pearly Gates into heaven.  To pass the time while they waited, one of them asked the others how they died. 

The first guy said, "I was really paranoid that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early suspecting there was a man in the room with her.  I searched the whole room, but didn't find anything.  Then I saw a shadow just outside the window.  I picked up this big trunk at the foot of the bed at threw it at him.  The strain gave me a heart attack and I died." 

The Second Man said, "I had just got a job washing windows when suddenly something flew out from inside and hit me.  I lost my balance and fell to my death." 

The third guy said, "I was just out jogging, and I paused to catch my breath.  When I looked up, I saw a big trunk and some guy falling towards me."

The fourth guy looked at them and scratched his head a bit.  "Man, that's rough, but at least you guys all know how you died.  Al I know is that I was hiding in a trunk from some crazy guy and next thing you know, I'm here."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 03, 2011, 05:23:56 PM
in 1902, the first Dalmatian was spotted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on May 05, 2011, 05:24:32 AM
I just heard that Osama Bin Laden has gone green: he now has head-conditioning.  :tongueout: :twirl:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 05, 2011, 06:33:20 AM
There's a new mixed drink called the "Bin Laden" - two shots and a splash of water!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 05, 2011, 07:37:25 AM
A cricket walks into a bar and the bartender saids there's a mixed drink named after you. the cricket looks confused at the bartender and saids Why would anyone name a drink Bob?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on May 05, 2011, 07:52:01 AM
There's a new mixed drink called the "Bin Laden" - two shots and a splash of water!

 :thumbup: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Psycho Circus on July 30, 2011, 07:29:02 AM
Have you heard about the guy with herpes in his eyebrows?



He was looking for love in all the wrong places...  :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on August 14, 2011, 08:11:39 PM

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch

drinking beer when a large truck hawling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 23, 2011, 09:31:03 AM
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing property report. He was questioned by the police: "Could you just have misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 13, 2011, 04:33:07 PM
What's the difference between a bass guitar and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up the bass.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 14, 2011, 12:38:43 PM
One day there was a man who got a new coat of paint for his car. Before leaving, the painter tells him that he has to rub vaseline all over the vehicle whenever he sees a rain storm approaching.

On that same day, the man was going over to his girlfriend's house to have supper with her and her parents. Now, there was a rule at their dinner table: nobody under ANY circumstances can speak. If one word is uttered, the person washes the dishes.

While they were eating, the man leans over to his girlfriend and kisses her on the cheek. He gets a few weird looks from her family and then they continue eating. "Hmmmm, what else can I get away with?" the man ponders. He then reaches over and grabs his girlfriend's breast. The parents look at him funny, then keep eating. The man then tears off his girlfriend's clothes and does her on the floor. After he finishes, her parents give him a dirty look, but they keep eating. The man then walks on over to the mother, throws her on the table and starts doing her. After finishing he recieves more dirty looks, but everyone keeps eating.

At this time, the man notices a storm cloud heading in their direction. Remembering what the painter told him, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the vaseline. The father then gets up and yells: "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE DISHES ALREADY!!!!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 19, 2011, 09:59:56 PM
Vagina jokes aren't funny...period*

*and now I'll shall be hanged by everyone here on the board  :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 22, 2011, 04:13:30 PM
Question: Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said Yes; 11% said No; 72% said: "I am not understanding the question please."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on September 22, 2011, 11:26:05 PM
3 fags are sitting in a hot tub. A blob of sperm floats to the surface!
One of the queers asks-"Who farted?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 09, 2011, 11:32:36 PM
A mushroom walks in a bar and buys everyone a drink.  The bartender asks, "Why you buying everyone drinks?" 

"Cause I'm a fungi!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 09, 2011, 11:33:49 PM
(Can't remember if I posted this one or not)

What did the German sausage lover say after his trip to the bathroom?

"The wurst is passed!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 10, 2011, 12:05:57 AM
what do you call a person who hangs with musicians? A drummer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on October 10, 2011, 02:59:59 AM
Have you heard about those corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: FatFreddysCat on October 10, 2011, 08:31:41 AM
Q: What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

A: Grraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnns!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on October 10, 2011, 12:36:00 PM
why shouldn't you wear nuclear pants?

chernobyl fallout


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on October 14, 2011, 04:48:33 AM
My first response to the Twilight movies, which I told my little brother, who is used to me saying terrible things.

"I'm not going to see that Twilight movie. If I wanted to hear teen girls screaming, I'd go and shoot up a high school."

It was a joke, I already know I'm going to hell.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on October 15, 2011, 11:35:50 AM
Now if it were me, Mofo, I'd have said "Wouldn't it be easier just to drop yer pants?"
Same effect, no date with the prison system. Well, maybe the local jail...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on October 26, 2011, 02:22:29 PM
So this baby seal walks into a club....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 23, 2011, 12:12:46 PM
Want to know a big word?
.
.
.
.
BIG!!!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on November 23, 2011, 01:56:22 PM
    Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, yelling, "DOC, YA GOTTA HELP ME! I'M A TEEPEE, I'M A WIGWAM, I'M A TEEPEE...."

     "Mr. Schwartz, calm down, " says the shrink, "you're TWO TENTS."

     QUERY: What has four legs and chases cats?

     REPLY:  Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on December 19, 2011, 09:19:45 PM
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "can you make me one with everything?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on December 21, 2011, 02:13:30 PM
Did you hear about the Amish Flu?

There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on December 22, 2011, 02:05:27 AM
How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two.  The tricky part is getting them in the light bulb.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on December 22, 2011, 11:39:50 AM
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 22, 2011, 04:05:26 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexia Satanists who worships Santa?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on December 29, 2011, 03:00:57 AM
Hey, did you hear about those corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on December 29, 2011, 08:56:59 AM
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "can you make me one with everything?"

To pay for the pizza, the Dali Lama hands the cashier a $50. When the cashier simply puts the money into the register, the Dali Lama asks for his change.

The cashier replies, "Change comes from within."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ChaosTheory on December 29, 2011, 09:56:14 PM
Want to know a big word?
.
.
.
.
BIG!!!!

Oh, I hate myself for laughing at that.


-What did the prism say to the light beam?
-Get bent!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on January 23, 2012, 08:47:13 AM
Allow me to break tradition.  This isn't a joke you tell, this is a joke you do to somebody. 

Tell somebody you have a great trick you want to show them, but you'll need to bill, one dollar bills, five dollar bills, ten, it doesn't matter.  (Change can also work, but I prefer using bills.)  They just need to be two of the same kind of bill. 

Once they hand you bill, tell them to examine them closely.  See if anything is strange about them.  Take both bills and put them behind your back.  Fold them a few times. However many times you do this, isn't important.  Just make it look like you're doing something with them behind your back. 

Hold one bill out in each hand and ask the person, "which one of these did you give me?  Most people will say they gave you both of them.  At that point, you tell them thanks for giving you the money, pocket them, and walk off.   Hey, they just said they gave them to you, right? 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 23, 2012, 08:56:48 AM
How do you make a bass player's car more aerodynamic?

Get rid of the friggin' Domino's Pizza sign.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 23, 2012, 01:04:33 PM
How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, you can be screwin light bulbs :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 26, 2012, 02:34:07 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 02, 2012, 10:24:18 PM
What do you call the Sacred Bull? The Holy Cow!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on February 03, 2012, 02:19:26 AM
A man was feeling ill so he went to the doctor.  The doctor did a few quick tests and came back with the results. He told the man, "I'm sorry, but it looks like you have a tumor.  We can operate and remove it, but it's going to be very expensive."

The man looked and the doctor and said, "I can't afford that.  I'm broke and I don't have any insurance!" 

The doctor paused for a second and then said, "Well, in that case, you just have a headache.  Go home and sleep it off." 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 08, 2012, 08:16:33 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Snivelly on February 09, 2012, 09:19:44 PM
Here's one I was told by a funny old lady calling for tech support:

How does oral sex taste when you get older?




Depends.





(I hope that's not to risque for this board.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 09, 2012, 10:31:41 PM
That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???   :question: 

The taste... ... :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 10, 2012, 02:12:11 AM
That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???   :question: 

The taste... ... :twirl:

 :buggedout: :buggedout:+ :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 11, 2012, 12:43:52 AM
You can't spell u slaughter without us laughter

You can't spell murder without red rum


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on February 12, 2012, 09:38:05 PM
A man went into the doctor's office.  He told the doctor,"Doc.  I haven't been feeling myself latley and was hoping you could do something to help." 

The Doctor sued him for sexual harassment. 


Later while waiting outside the courtroom another man turns to him.   He says, "You're the guy who's doctor is suing him for 'not feeling himself', right?"

The first man nodded yes. 

The second man continued, "Consider yourself lucky.  I told him I was feeling a little ho(a)rse."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2012, 12:24:07 AM
two fish are in a tank and one of them said do you know how to drive one of these?

Why do hipsters hate the ocean?
It's too current.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2012, 11:25:23 PM
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."  :wink:

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 17, 2012, 02:22:31 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  The first muffin says to the second muffin: "Whew!  It's hot in here!" 
The second muffin exclaims: "Ohmigod!  A talking muffin!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 17, 2012, 05:18:36 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  The first muffin says to the second muffin: "Whew!  It's hot in here!" 
The second muffin exclaims: "Ohmigod!  A talking muffin!!" 
must be a good joke to pass around, eh?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 20, 2012, 12:25:20 AM
why were the travelers annoyed at the donkey?
he was a pain in the ass.

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs, inside a box?
you call him Jack. and you find him in the box


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 21, 2012, 03:53:02 PM
A little girl down the road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighborhood to help search for her

They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of my house wearing my scuba gear.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 21, 2012, 05:27:16 PM
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with STAR WARS.  I told her "May Divorce be with you."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flick James on March 29, 2012, 09:31:40 PM
Here's an moldy oldie.

Q: What did the hippy say to the invisible man?

A: "You're outta sight, man."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 22, 2012, 09:57:14 PM
here's one I found on 9gag:

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 22, 2012, 09:59:57 PM
Jokes guaranteed to get you in trouble with your spouse/girlfriend:

What's the only thing worse than a male chauvenist pig?

A woman who won't do as she's told.

If a man hits his wife with his car, whose fault is it?

The man's, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen!

And, in the interest of gender balance, here is one for the ladies:

What's the difference between a man and a savings bond?

A savings bond matures!

 :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on April 22, 2012, 11:00:37 PM
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!

What game would you play with a wombat?
wom

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer here, and one for the road."

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt." 

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 23, 2012, 02:06:35 AM
Courtesy of a Jeffrey Ross (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Ross) show I recently went to:

We all agree that Steve Jobs' death marks the passing of a true American icon. In fact, the only thing that didn't want to work for Steve Jobs was his pancreas.

Too soon?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RobFilm on April 23, 2012, 10:29:15 AM
I saw this online today,

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on May 05, 2012, 03:44:34 AM
This was the last joke I told that I couldn't get through without giggling like a schoolgirl, and I pride myself on my straight face.

I'm not a fan of sweets. I just don't like them, they have no appeal to me. So when I'm at the store, I don't even bother with junk food like Twinkies or cookies. Instead, I head towards things like peanuts. Yes, I buy the unsalted peanuts, because that's what I enjoy eating.

So here's the phrase I have about myself:

"Rob Steele: Bypasses the junk, goes straight for the nuts!"

I'll never find that not funny, and the double entendre of "nuts" will always make me laugh.

Stupid? You betcha! I'm still giggling about it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on May 05, 2012, 07:03:07 AM
I got in trouble at school as a first grader for repeating this joke my uncle told me.

What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 05, 2012, 11:53:42 PM
My friend Ray is FOREVER telling that stupid joke . . . . and I always laugh! :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on May 07, 2012, 07:49:19 AM


If vegetarians eat vegetables,  what do humanitarians eat?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 07, 2012, 07:50:31 AM
Do you want to play the rape game? No? That's the Spirit!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 07, 2012, 09:01:32 PM
How did MOSES make his tea? 

Hebrews it. 


That joke was bad, but jokes about German sausage are the wurst!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on May 07, 2012, 09:45:48 PM
I went to my doctor the other day.  I told him, "Doc, every single morning after I wake up I go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and then i vomit into the sink.  What's wrong with me?"

He said, "I don't know, but it's definitely not your eye sight." 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 07, 2012, 10:04:41 PM
This guy goes to the doctor with food hanging from his nose, his ears, his forehead, and says "Doc, you gotta help me.  I'm hungry all the time!"

Docs sez: "No wonder, you're not eating right!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Texdar on May 10, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
Boobs without nipples are pointless.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2012, 05:14:15 PM
So a hooker offered to do anything for $20.00- guess who got his room cleaned! :tongueout:

So when someone at my house if we have a bathroom, I say 'No, we just Sh!t in the yard!'

They say I would miss my family, but I never miss at close range.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 17, 2012, 06:03:08 PM
Dear algebra,

Please quit asking us to "find your x."  It's obvious she's not coming back.  Time to move on!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2012, 07:21:08 PM
Dear algebra,

Please quit asking us to "find your x."  It's obvious she's not coming back.  Time to move on!


no, I did find X:
(http://www.guzer.com/pictures/findx.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on May 18, 2012, 10:00:17 AM
So a hooker offered to do anything for $20.00
I met one of those too!  Really though, it wasn't worth it.  Next year I'm going to have to go with a reliable accountant to do my taxes for me. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 20, 2012, 05:43:22 PM
Can February March?
No, but April May!

Where do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.

Mexican Jokes and Black Jokes are the same;
Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal

What do you call a person without a body but with a nose?
Nobody knows!

When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was Shocked!

What does a mermaid bring to her math class?
Her algae-bra!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
an investigator!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?
Bison.

A friend showed me a rage comic on the internet, but I already Reddit.

I gave away my dead batteries, free of charge!

I'm so bright, my mum calls me son!!

Change is hard, have you ever tried to bend a coin?!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 23, 2012, 06:39:12 AM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Psycho Circus on May 23, 2012, 07:18:01 AM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)

Oooh tasteful....tsk, tsk.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 25, 2012, 07:44:43 PM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)
that reminds me: Rihanna has an IQ of 117. Can you beat her?
Chris Brown: I already did.


20+ years ago, there was sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
now there's only AIDs, crack, and techno.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on May 25, 2012, 08:00:41 PM
20+ years ago, there was sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
now there's only AIDs, crack, and techno.

Sadly but truthfully - it's more like 40 years ago...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 25, 2012, 10:30:19 PM
When Ronald Reagan was President, we had Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now that Obama is President, we have no cash and no hope.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JaseSF on May 26, 2012, 12:51:49 AM
I've seen the same thing but here in Canada, they change the names from Ronald Reagan to Pierre Trudeau and Obama to Stephen Harper.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 26, 2012, 10:25:26 AM
My bed time is at 7:00, I go to bed at 7:05! (total bad ass here)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 07, 2012, 07:40:10 PM
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
the top answer was "How did you get in here you creep?!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 07, 2012, 08:05:55 PM
These aren't "terrible jokes".  They're just not jokes.   :thumbdown: :hatred: 


How did MOSES make his cup or tea? 
Hebrews it. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 07, 2012, 11:42:04 PM
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take a long time and the light bulb must really want to change.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Three; one to lay hands on it and two to catch it when it falls out!

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?  CHANGE?????

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY???


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 08, 2012, 08:06:21 AM
What did the Apple say to the Banana?
Nothing, Fruits can't talk.

How many Roaches does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they all scatter when the light comes on.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk.

what happens when a frog parks illegally?
the car gets toad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 08, 2012, 07:05:45 PM
Have you heard of the Salmon flu? the details are a little fishy currently.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on June 11, 2012, 02:32:04 AM
When Ronald Reagan was President, we had Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now that Obama is President, we have no cash and no hope.

True enough, but to be fair, it only took two years of the Bush administration to kill both of those off.

Bob Hope (d. 7/27/03)
Johnny Cash (d. 9/12/03)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 11, 2012, 08:13:31 AM
OK, I'll concede that was pretty funny!  Now I can't use that joke anymore . . . . :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 12, 2012, 03:42:25 PM



Did you hear about the hitchhiker who never seemed to get anywhere?  He liked to get on the road early to avoid the traffic.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 19, 2012, 10:03:46 PM
What did the piece of bread say to the other piece of bread as they're having sex?
I'm gonna crumb, I'm gonna crumb!

(for visual version- http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/ProductImages/PS_0236_GONNA_CRUMB.jpg (http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/ProductImages/PS_0236_GONNA_CRUMB.jpg))


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Venomx73 on June 19, 2012, 10:05:00 PM
(http://www.daveandthomas.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Crom-Conan.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 19, 2012, 10:07:25 PM
 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: Teeheee, that's funny! :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 21, 2012, 09:08:57 PM
Son: Father, what's for dinner?
Father: Wookie Steak!
Son: Is it any good?
Father: It's a little Chewy.

(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/409003_294508363948576_1210031546_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Venomx73 on June 21, 2012, 09:38:48 PM
Son: Father, what's for dinner?
Father: Wookie Steak!
Son: Is it any good?
Father: It's a little Chewy.

([url]http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/409003_294508363948576_1210031546_n.jpg[/url])


now thats funny :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 27, 2012, 06:14:59 PM
My wife has been missing for two weeks now.  This morning the sheriff came by and told me I should be prepared for the worst. :buggedout:

Drat!  Now I have to go get all her stuff back from GoodWill. :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 27, 2012, 11:45:57 PM
I'm a pacifist alright, I'm about to pass a fist across your face!

A jazz group plays 1000 notes for 3 people, a rock group plays 3 notes for 1000 people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 21, 2012, 12:26:32 PM
this is my joke here:
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/545301_403141663085245_1585099011_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on July 23, 2012, 12:40:37 PM
Why couldn't the wrestler set a fire?

He lost all his matches.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 26, 2012, 11:47:34 PM
Dude, that camping trip was..in tents (say it out loud if you have to)

People say that anything that deals with Jesus is sacred, including his poo- it's the Holy Sh!t!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on August 04, 2012, 09:28:14 PM
Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff.

Ba-dump ksssshhhhhh.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 07, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress is Congress?  :buggedout: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on December 07, 2012, 06:10:31 PM
what do you call cheese that's not yours?

someone else's cheese.


two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?"

the other replies "are you blind, it's over there in the soap-dish".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 07, 2012, 06:53:54 PM
So I looked up at one of my 8th graders today, and he had just pulled the sole of his shoe clean off!  I shook my head sadly, and said "You've lsot your sole!! What will it profit you now if you gain the whole world?"

Upon reflection, he sold me his sole for a quarter.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 08, 2012, 09:54:10 AM
I am thinking about burying his sole in the earthen bank of my stock tank.
Then I can truly say I dammed his sole.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doc Daneeka on December 10, 2012, 02:27:51 PM
Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Better question, is Fincher afraid of The Human Centipede?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 13, 2012, 10:05:54 PM
Hot new Single, it's called "I ride my" by Cycle!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on December 16, 2012, 01:18:40 PM
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress is Congress?  :buggedout: :tongueout:

At this point in our country's history, I believe you may be onto something there!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on December 16, 2012, 01:21:49 PM
OK, a truly bad joke?

Miss Crabtree asked Buckwheat to use the word "dictate" in a sentence.

Buckwheat's eyes lit up with enthusiasm as he stood up and said "Darla says my dictate good!"

Hey, c'mon guys, it said this is the truly terrible joke thread!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 16, 2012, 03:44:35 PM
To those who thinks that the world will end on December 21, please drop off your valuables at my house.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 19, 2012, 11:25:55 PM
Here's yet another pic-pun
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/521748_198830416919238_1835623371_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on December 20, 2012, 07:48:45 AM
Why do they always boil water when a woman is giving birth?
In case it's stillborn, they can make stew.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: lester1/2jr on December 20, 2012, 09:29:22 AM
What did George Washington say to his men before they got on their horses? Men, get on your horses.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on December 27, 2012, 01:12:49 PM
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 07, 2013, 04:32:53 PM
So a priest, a rabbi, and a Hindu walks into a bar, they now all have bruises on their foreheads.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 07, 2013, 05:04:41 PM
What did ben Franklin say to Thomas Jefferson in the bathroom on July 4, 1776?

"America, you're a nation!"  (say it fast) :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 07, 2013, 07:32:01 PM
I already posted this in the Grinds my Gears thread, but it's still funny  :teddyr:
I sincerely hate it when you compliment on a nice mustache...and then she's not your friend anymore!  :hatred: :tongueout:

Whats Beethovens favorite fruit? BANANANAAAAA!!


How do you cook toilet paper?
You brown it first, then put it in the bowl. :tongueout:

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

And finally, a pun pic
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/734286_489867634412647_422017429_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 17, 2013, 08:44:05 PM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Question: What’s the difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? Answer: “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JoeTheDestroyer on January 17, 2013, 09:10:24 PM
Someone stole all of the toilets out of the local police department.  Cops have nothing to go on.

The same crook allegedly cut a hole in a nearby nudist colony's fence.  Police are looking into it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on January 19, 2013, 11:15:03 PM
How is a politician like a BANANA? 
They start out GREEN. 
Then, they turn YELLOW. 
By the time they're done... rotten! 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 21, 2013, 04:04:00 PM
How is a politician like a BANANA? 
They start out GREEN. 
Then, they turn YELLOW. 
By the time they're done... rotten! 

Amen to that one, friend.  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 21, 2013, 04:08:11 PM

So, let's see....Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton decide to rob a bank.

Jimmy Carter says "OK, let's open the safe and tie up the tellers.."
Bill Clinton says "What about the women and children"?
Jimmy Carter says "Aww..screw the women and children!"
Ted Kennedy says, "Jimmy, please don't give Bill and ideas again!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on January 22, 2013, 01:58:21 PM
When is a door not a door?  When it's ajar. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on January 22, 2013, 02:20:05 PM
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 22, 2013, 02:21:35 PM
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
and he's Satanic, he worships Santa. :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 22, 2013, 05:51:49 PM
He saw a robber coming into the bank and said "Look out! He's got a nug!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 23, 2013, 10:13:32 PM
When is a door not a door?  When it's ajar. 

Oooooooo....... :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 24, 2013, 03:06:19 AM
When is a clean pair of undies not clean.

When it belongs to Trevor.  :twirl: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on January 24, 2013, 01:37:02 PM
A man goes into a butcher shop and says, "I bet ya $350 that you can't reach that piece of meat," pointing at a cut of beef hanging just slightly above the butcher.  The butcher looks up and says, "No way."

The guy says, "Why not?"

The butcher says, "The steaks are too high!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on January 24, 2013, 03:04:23 PM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 24, 2013, 05:26:45 PM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...

Really, that seems to be short. :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 24, 2013, 08:55:10 PM
Did you hear about the kidnapping?


It's OK, he woke up! :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 24, 2013, 09:34:36 PM

One of the Three Stooges started his own landscaping business...he Moes lawns....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on January 25, 2013, 04:06:51 AM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...

Really, that seems to be short. :wink:

I heard about that joke online, and really I can not verify that anybody has had a hands-on experience other than the original poster.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 22, 2013, 09:16:42 PM
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was Shocked!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

Why did the bicycle fall down? It was two tired.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 22, 2013, 11:44:27 PM
I saw a thirtysomething guy sitting on a park bench watching the children play.
I asked; "Which one of them is yours?"
He said: "I haven't decided yet."  :buggedout: :buggedout: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2013, 11:52:56 AM
A window fan and vacuum cleaner were having an argument one time:

"You suck!" said the window fan.


"Oh yeah"? said the vacuum cleaner, "well you can blow me"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2013, 11:57:50 AM

While they were waiting to be served up, a hotdog was laying on a plate next to a pair of rolls on the counter top. 

The hotdog looks over at the rolls and says, "nice buns".
The one roll looks at the hotdog and says "what a weenie"....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 04, 2013, 08:05:17 PM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 05, 2013, 12:49:43 AM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

That reminds me of the comment Stephen King made concerning the devil child in Rosemary's Baby that little Andy would need a custom made baseball cap later in life to accommodate his horns.  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 05, 2013, 09:06:57 PM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"

If you watch Titanic backwards, it's about a magical ship that comes from the sea to help people.

If you watch Twilight backwards, it's still crap.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pizdatrica on April 06, 2013, 07:53:06 AM
And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on April 09, 2013, 12:21:29 PM
I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 10, 2013, 06:48:18 AM
And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

See my quote below:  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 10, 2013, 06:49:41 AM
I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.

 :buggedout:+ :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 17, 2013, 09:50:51 PM
A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
 7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 20, 2013, 01:20:29 PM
A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
 7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!

HAHAHAHA!!!!  :bouncegiggle:    :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 20, 2013, 01:27:48 PM

A man had to have both of his testicles removed due to advanced cancer, and he was concerned about his appearance.  The doctor said that a radical new transplant wiht onions was being implemented, because this particular variety was small enough and the right size and shape to look like the real thing.

"OK" said the guy, "let's do it"!

A month after his release from the hospital, the man goes for his checkup...."Doc, that's the WORST idea you ever had".  "Every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on,  every time I take a p**s my eyes water, and every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn"!

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 21, 2013, 01:54:43 PM
On his 90th birthday a man opened the door to find a hot young stripper standing there, courtesy of his grandson.

"I'm here to provide you a super thrill," the stripper told him.

"Well, at my age," said the old man, "I better be safe and take the soup...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 21, 2013, 03:31:44 PM
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly going over it.

And then there's this:
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/315540_588375071172885_240569370_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 24, 2013, 08:29:42 PM
A guy was sitting in a bar when this huge bruiser of a man walks up to him and kicks him in the face. 

"What was that for?!?" said the guy.
"That was my Karate from Okinawa"!

5 minutes later, the guy gets attacked again, and this time it was a chop to the back of the neck, an down he goes again.

"Now what was THAT for?!?"
"That was my Kung-Fu from China"..

The little guy leaves the bar and cmes back an hour later, and from behind, WHAM!!! he hits his attacker and down he goes, out like a light. Proud of himself, the little guy says:

"When that son-of-b***h comes to, you tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears Roebuck!" 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 25, 2013, 04:19:14 AM
Text to my brother (and hopefully all my texts to my brother will never be published).

"I don't understand why people are still starving in this country when the animal shelter is giving dogs away for free."

His response:

"I'm not eating your cooking anymore. You said the same thing about the adoption agency."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 25, 2013, 07:18:31 AM
^LOL, That's hilarious!  :bouncegiggle:

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on May 01, 2013, 09:22:19 PM
A man decided to play a prank on his wife's doctor.
His wife and daughter were due for their yearly female check-ups.

So, the man took his wife's urine sample, replaced it with his OWN and put some used oil in it, as well as masturbating into it. He never did anything to his daughter's sample.

So the doctor called the house a week later and said spoke to the husband about the results.

"OK, smart-ass, here's the deal: Your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 04, 2013, 04:01:23 PM
Rick Astley will loan you most of his Pixar films except one: He will never give you Up. :tongueout:

My dyslexic gay friend loves to suck spine.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on June 04, 2013, 11:48:32 AM
A group of circus animals walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "What do you want?"

The monkey says, "I'm really thirsty but I don't have any money.  If you give me a drink, I promise I'll come back and pay you tomorrow."  the bartender thinks about this for a second, then he gives the monkey a drink. 

Then he asks the elephant, "What do you want?"
The elephant says, "I don't have any money right now, but I get paid tomorrow.  If you give me a drink, I'll  come back and pay you then."  The bartender thinks about this for a second, and then pours the elephant a drink. 

Then he asks the bear what he wants.  The bear also tells him he doesn't have any money, but can come back and pay the man tomorrow.  The bartender gives him a drink too.  The same thing happens for the seal, the zebra, and the tiger. 

Then the bartender asks the lion what he wants.  The lion says he doesn't have any money, but can pay the man tomorrow. 

Thew bartender says, "No." 

The Lion looks at him and says, "Everybody else got a drink without paying today, why can't I?" 

The bartender says, "They might be telling the truth, but I'm pretty sure that you're a lion (lyin') ."   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 04, 2013, 02:46:03 PM
Here's a joke- "Light Beer. Might as well call it Diet Alcoholic Water."

Thank you dad!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 04, 2013, 06:07:50 PM

A duck went into a bar and after ordering a round for the entire tavern, he told the bartender to put it on his bill.....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 04, 2013, 06:18:08 PM
The day after the shuttle Challenger blew up, one of the guys on my ship was telling this:

"What does NASA stand for?"
"Need another seven astronauts!"

We really dogged on him for it at the time, but 30 years later it is kinda funny.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 05, 2013, 12:52:06 AM

One time a guy pulled into this bar and saw a sign that said "Parking In The Rear" and decided to go in until he realized that was the name of the bar...

The German word for 'bra" is "Shtoppemfromfloppen".

A ditty bag is what you put your ditties in. If you have bigger ditties, you'll need a bigger ditty bag...




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 05, 2013, 02:14:42 AM
Th worst joke I have ever heard is Shane Black's terrible joke to Sonny Landham in Predator: the one about the echo.  :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on June 05, 2013, 03:05:40 AM
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly!

(My apologies to women, but truthfully, they're the only people who ever laugh at that joke.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on June 07, 2013, 01:03:05 AM
Hey!  Have you heard the joke that they don't tell morons?  





Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on June 09, 2013, 05:58:40 AM
Hey!  Have you heard the joke that they don't tell morons?  


Along those lines:

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I'll tell you later.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on June 09, 2013, 06:00:29 AM
If I had a nickel for every time I said "If I had a nickel...", I'd be ten cents richer now.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 27, 2013, 12:07:58 PM
An Eskimo takes his car to the mechanic.

Mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 27, 2013, 12:58:08 PM
A sadist and a masochist meet.

The masochist says, "Hurt me!"

The sadist says, "No."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 27, 2013, 01:35:50 PM
Ever seen a plastic a** hole?

Give me your driver's license and I'll show you one.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 27, 2013, 01:54:38 PM
 A fan and a vacuum cleaner were having an argument:

"You suck!" said the fan.

"Oh yeah, well blow me!" said the vacuum cleaner   :cheers:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on June 27, 2013, 07:58:28 PM
You know, it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.  They always take things literally. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 29, 2013, 10:54:56 AM
Th worst joke I have ever heard is Shane Black's terrible joke to Sonny Landham in Predator: the one about the echo.  :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr:

Oh yes....the one where Sonny breaks out laughter after Black explains the punch line to him.  Not to mention the one he told at the beginning, where hae says he asks his girlfriend for a little ***sy and she says "me too, mine's a s big as a house!".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 08, 2013, 04:24:59 AM
I have no idea why this next joke makes me laugh so much, but I giggle every time I remember it.

So a young man has a date lined up and he is extremely nervous. He asks his father for advice and he tells him, "There are three conversational gambits that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

So he goes on the date, and it's just nothing but awkward silences. Clearly a train wreck, but then he remembers his father's advice.

He asks his date, "Do you like potato pancakes?" She replies, "No." and then they're right back to the awkward silence.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?" With an audible sigh, she answers "No."

Last gambit, he asks, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 08, 2013, 05:12:50 PM
Heard what happened to the fireworks store that caught on fire? It went out with a BANG!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 09, 2013, 03:26:47 AM
Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Better question, is Fincher afraid of The Human Centipede?

Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven has cold, dead eyes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 09, 2013, 03:47:12 AM
This is a joke I got from The Amazing Jonathan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amazing_Johnathan) off the extras of The Aristocrats (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_%28film%29) DVD. He told as his litmus test joke to find out whether the person he was talking to was cool. I've found it fits that bill rather well.

So a guy is meeting an old friend he hasn't seen for quite a while. He meets him at a restaurant, and when his friend walks in he has this gigantic and round orange head. Alarmed, he immediately asks what's up with the gigantic orange head.

"That my friend, is a long story.

"What happened, is I found a bottle on the beach. Curious, I picked it up and rubbed some of the sand off of it. Immediately a genie popped out and claimed that he would grant me three wishes.

"My first wish was for untold riches. What happened is that a patent for a new technology I was working on was granted, and I was able to leverage that into a multinational corporation that is the height of the business world, I'm a millionaire multiple times over.

"My second wish was for true love. As a result of my business success, I met a beautiful, intelligent woman. We've married and we've got two beautiful children, I could not possibly be happier."

The guy is considerably impressed, but he still has to ask about the head.

"Well, that brings me to my third wish, and here's where I think I went horribly wrong. What I did is wish for a giant round orange head."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on July 09, 2013, 10:57:51 AM
The sign said janitors lounge. 

So we did. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 19, 2013, 11:22:11 PM
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile. :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 21, 2013, 04:07:25 PM
During class, a teacher asked the boys the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

A boy named Michael raised his hand first and said, "I would tell her, just a minute, I have to go pee really quick, I'll be right back!" "That would be very rude and impolite," the teacher responded.

Next a boy named Peter raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," replied the teacher.

Then, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner!" The teacher fainted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on July 27, 2013, 11:35:17 AM
So, I've been dating a magician lately. She's pretty good too. The other day we were driving, and she started rubbing my leg. I turned into a motel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on July 27, 2013, 11:58:28 AM
(http://cdn.wwtdd.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/George-Zimmerman-and-His-Attorney-Don-West-Chuckling.jpg)

"Knock, knock," West said.
"Who's there? George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who? Congratulations, you're on the jury."


Now that folks - is a truly terrible joke


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 29, 2013, 12:56:38 AM
I had pelican curry the other day. The meal was nice but the bill was enormous.  :wink: :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on July 30, 2013, 02:09:02 AM
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's fingers!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on July 30, 2013, 08:36:52 AM
(http://images.wikia.com/muppet/images/b/b6/MadEyedPiggy-MFS.jpg)

Miss Piggy: HEeeeY!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on July 31, 2013, 11:30:28 AM
DAD: "What did you do at school today, Johnny?"

JOHNNY: "I had sex with my teacher."

DAD: "Ha-ha...what are you, 14 years old? And you had sex with your teacher? That's my boy! Tell you what, I'm gonna buy you that shiny red bike you've been saving up for, lets go get it now and you can ride it home!"

JOHNNY: "I don't think so Dad, my ass still hurts."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 31, 2013, 12:04:38 PM
^My body hurts from laughing so hard!  :bouncegiggle:




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 23, 2013, 09:29:06 PM
I don't always use Titanic jokes, but when I do, I use them to break the ice.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 23, 2013, 09:37:57 PM
What's the name of the devil's house?

Fallen Graceland.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on September 27, 2013, 12:42:03 PM
You guys hear about the girl who got lost in King Tut's tomb?

Nine months later she was a mummy!   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on November 12, 2013, 01:24:14 PM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on November 18, 2013, 01:14:34 AM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on November 19, 2013, 01:05:52 PM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Oooooo....that one was bad!   :bouncegiggle:

So, one day, a young boy asked his father for advice about sex, and how he should prepare for it. His father told him to go in the woods and find a tree with a hole in it, and do the usual thing.  He goes and does that. 

And so a few days later when he was with his girlfriend, he tells her to bend over, and when she does, he kicks her in her ass as hard as he can.

"What the hell was that for?" she screams

He says "I'm not stupid, this time I'm checking for bees!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 19, 2013, 03:27:40 PM
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on November 24, 2013, 09:05:21 AM
I like your name.

Thanks, I got it for my birthday.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 24, 2013, 11:51:00 PM
What's the difference in a neutered puppy and a southerner talking about the Civil War?

Eventually the puppy will quit whining about what he lost.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 25, 2013, 12:11:10 AM
ROFLMAO!! That is a good one!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on November 25, 2013, 12:45:40 PM
      Guy bursts intio a psychiatrist's office, running around in a circle, waving his arms in the air, and yelling, "DOC! You gotta help me! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam-"

     Calm down, sir", says the shrink, "You're TWO TENTS!"

What has four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

      A dentist is preparing to close his office for the weekend when he notices he's out of Novacaine. His assistant has already left, and his wife is waiting to join him for a weekend getaway, so he figures he'll order more on Monday.

  Just as he's headed to the door, there's a loud knocking. He opens it, and a man rushes in, exclaiming, "Doc, I broke a tooth, and you gotta take out what's left!"

The doctor explains to the man that he's just leaving, and besides, he has no anesthetic. The guy says, "I don't care, I can take the pain". So, impelled by the wad of hundreds the man produces, the dentist goes to work. Sure enough, the man never so much as grunts.

      Impressed, the dentist says, "I've never seen anyone deal with pain like that before". "That's nothin'," says the man, "once, I was out hunting, and I accidentally sat on a beartrap". "WOW", exclaims the dentist, "that must have been the worst pain you've ever felt!"  "Nope," says the man, "the worst pain was when I jumped up, ran three steps, and hit the end of that chain."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on February 22, 2014, 05:49:08 PM
A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Josso on February 23, 2014, 12:33:07 PM
What do lawyers wear?

Law suits.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on February 23, 2014, 04:55:02 PM
two nuns having a bath
suddenly there's a knock on the door
"who is it?" one nun shouts
"it's the blind man" came the reply
well they thought if he's blind there's no point getting dried and
dressed, so they told him to come in.
"where would you like these blinds?" asked the man


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 24, 2014, 03:52:31 AM
Don't remember if I told this blonde joke here:

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game.  The ref pulls out a quarter and tosses it into the air to determine who defends which goal.  The home team wins and defers.  On the first offensive play from scrimmage the visiting team's quarterback drops back to pass and is harassed by the defense.  The man next to the couple yells, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde shushes him and exclaims, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on February 27, 2014, 05:48:36 PM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 28, 2014, 03:32:32 AM
A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 01, 2014, 09:46:53 AM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 01, 2014, 04:44:10 PM
Quasimodo died after 50 years of ringing bells at Notre Dame cathedral.  The bishop held a try-out for the position, but none of the wannabe bell-ringers were anywhere nearly as good as Quasimodo had been.  Finally, one man stepped up to the head of the line and said "Your grace, I would like to be your new bell ringer!"

  The bishop said: "My son, that is not possible, you have no arms!"

  The man said "Just watch me!" and ran up the stairwell to the belfry and began smacking the bells with his face.  To the bishop's astonishment, the tone was beautiful, clear, and pure, and the man had an incredible sense of timing.

The bishop was about to tell him he was hired, when the armless man leaned out a bit too far, overbalanced, and fell to his death on the cathedral steps below.  The Bishop rushed down to find a crowd gathered.

   "Who was he, your grace?" one man asked.

   "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But his face sure rings a bell!"




Wait . . . it's not over:

A week later another man showed up and asked to see the Bishop.

He explained: "The armless man who tried to be your new bell ringer was my brother.  I feel it is my family duty to try and take his place."

   "Your brother was very talented," the Bishop replied.  "Can you do as well as he did?"

  "Watch!" the man said, and ran up the stairs to the belfry.  He began ringing the bells one after another, using just the right amount of strength on the ropes to make the most beautiful tones imaginable.  The Bishop was about to tell him he was hired when the man tugged too hard on one of the ropes, which snapped, sending him too plummeting to his death.

  Again the bishop hurried down the stairwell.

  Someone in the crowd asked: "Who was it this time, your grace?"

  "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 01, 2014, 07:13:16 PM
Why can't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 01, 2014, 08:17:54 PM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 01, 2014, 09:04:56 PM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 02, 2014, 01:16:07 AM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 02, 2014, 02:22:06 PM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  :drink:

Yeah, yeah.... :bouncegiggle:

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 03, 2014, 03:36:52 PM
When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 03, 2014, 06:55:45 PM
When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.

Oh, man, that joke quacked me up.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 09, 2014, 12:14:29 AM
Why did the toaster salute the stove?

Because the stove was General Electric.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on March 18, 2014, 11:43:47 AM
     A scientist perfected the process of cloning, and decided to use himself as the subject. The experiment was a success, with one hitch-the clone was insane, and escaped, running down the street, cussing at everyone. The scientist gave chase, and caught up with the clone atop a five story building. The two of them grappled for hours, until, with a mighty shove, the scientist pushed the clone over the edge, where it plummeted to its death.

     The poilce rushed out onto the roof, and took the scientist into custody.
"Am I being arrested for murder?" asked the scientist. "No", said the arresting officer,
"for making an obscene clone fall."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 19, 2014, 03:54:22 PM
An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 19, 2014, 06:40:02 PM
An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"

Ouch.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 20, 2014, 07:21:39 AM

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 10:48:56 AM

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."

 :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 10:53:21 AM
During the Iraq war, a group of airborne commandos was preparing for their raid on an Iraqi ammo dump. The unit consisted of 6 men and 6 female soldiers.  As they were checking their gear, the one male soldier said to the female soldier next to him,  "why are you wearing a jock strap on the outside of your fatigues"?   She said, "so I won't whistle on the way down and give away our position"...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 05:48:46 PM
Four gay guys were sitting in a hot tub when a glob of baby batter floated up to the top.  The one gay guy shrieked at the top of his voice: "Alright, which one of you b***hes farted?!?"

At a local hospital, blood-curdling screams came form one of the rooms...the doctor and a nurse came running into the room, only to find the orderly standing over  the man doing the screaming..his genitals were red and swollen to nearly twice their size...

"No, no, NO!" shouted the doctor to the orderly: " I told you to prick his boil!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 22, 2014, 10:59:27 AM
A travelling salesman's car breaks down deep in the wilds of West Virginia. There's a winter storm on the way, and he knows he can't stay in his car. He sets out to find someplace, any place, to stay the night.

After what seems like hours in the darkness, he finds a farm house. He goes up and knocks on the door. Minutes pass before the door opens. A crusty old farmer squints at him and says, "It's late, son. What do you want?"

"My car broke down, and the blizzard is starting to move in. I'm half frozen. Can I stay the night, please?"

The geezer thinks about it. "Okay, son, you can stay the night, but your gonna have to sleep with my 17-year-old daughter."

The salesman pauses and then says, "Are you sure about that?"

"You ain't sleeping with me, boy. It's that or you can stay out there and freeze."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Thanks."

The farmer lets him in and points to a door. "Go on in. Just make sure you don't wake me up."

"Yes, sir."

The next morning, still dark outside due to the weather, the salesman walks into the kitchen where the farmer is fixing breakfast. The old man pours him a cup of coffee and tells him to sit down.

He notices the salesman is acting a bit odd, so he finally says, "Alright, son. Out with it."

"Well, sir, I hate to say it, but, well, I had sex with your daughter."

The old man smiles and says, "A young guy like you, I figured as much. How was it?"

The salesman is a bit taken aback by the farmer's calm reaction, so he decides to be honest. "It was pretty good. But I only had one problem."

"What's that, boy?"

"Well, it was the oddest thing. The whole time, she kept spitting rice in my face."

The farmer laughed and slapped the salesman's knee. "Aw, son, that weren't rice; those were maggots. She's been dead for 6 weeks."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 22, 2014, 12:51:50 PM
Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness  :cheers:

Anyhow,
an old blind man went to ask for a job at a local lumberyard.  The boss of the company was astounded, but decided to hear what the old man had to say. The old man told him he could tell any kind of wood by the smell of it.

"Okay", the boss said, and took a piece of wood and stuck it under his nose.
"Oak", the old man said.
"You got it!" said the boss

He took another piece of wood and held it under his nose again
"Maple", the old man said
"Unbelievable!" said the boss.

The boss then decided to play a trick on the old man. He had his secretary lift her skirt, and the boss and a few men picked her up and put her crotch just under the old man's nose.   The old man took a while, but when he was done he said

"Tried to pull a fast one over on an old man, huh? You ain't fooling me, son, that there's definitely the s**thouse door off a tuna boat!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 22, 2014, 04:21:28 PM
Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness  :cheers:

Oh, but I'm saving a special joke for later. It's the one joke that made my dad tell me, "If I ever hear you tell that joke around me again, I will beat the living hell out of you." My dad has been dead for years, but I still look around to make sure he isn't nearby when I tell it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on March 22, 2014, 07:36:07 PM
A man walks up to the bar and asks the bar keeper, “How much is Bud Light?”  

The bartender tells him $4.  

The man says, "eh, that's a bit too much.  How much does a Miller Light cost?"

The bartender tells him $3.75

The man says, "that's still more than  I want to spend.  How much is a Coors Light?"

The bartender tells him $2.75.

The mans says "that's still a bit much.  What's the cheapest thing here?"

The bartender looks at him and says "evidently, you."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Newt on March 23, 2014, 07:47:02 AM
What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2014, 03:34:46 PM
What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!

Whew..... :lookingup:   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2014, 03:57:19 PM
Okay, so Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter decide to rob a bank..

They go in, tell everyone to put their hands in the air, and Kennedy and Carter start going to work on the safe while Slick Willy is sizing up the women in the bank.

It's no good, I can't crack the safe" says Carter. "We'll have to blow the safe open".
"What about the women and children?" says Kennedy.

"Screw the women and children!" says Carter.  Clinton says "Do we have enough time"?


Y'know that Clinton made Monica Lewinsky a rich woman, right? Every time she reached into her dress pocket, she pulled out a wad of Bill's...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 24, 2014, 12:46:05 AM
Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 24, 2014, 10:20:05 AM
Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.

Ouch....



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 24, 2014, 07:30:21 PM
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 24, 2014, 07:53:08 PM
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.

With a joke like that, I would say you are a wit, but I'd be only half right.

Just kidding.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on April 03, 2014, 01:01:32 PM
Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 

If you're not part of the group, then it just isn't funny, it's offensive. 

So, anyway, two pedophiles walk into a bar...




What?  Why's everyone looking at me like that?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 03, 2014, 04:46:34 PM
Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 


That's one of the benefits of the Race Card (tm)

(http://www.fedupusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Jesse-Jackson-Race-Card.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 04, 2014, 02:00:06 AM
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on April 28, 2014, 04:43:36 PM
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens didn't exist yet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 28, 2014, 05:22:47 PM
Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 13, 2014, 10:04:49 AM
Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 13, 2014, 05:28:28 PM
Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.


Too soon, bro.   :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 24, 2014, 09:33:23 PM
Two Chinese siblings went to college in America. The brother's name was Ving and his sister's name was Ling. Ling cherished her Chinese name and heritage, but Ving was in love with all things American and quickly came to hate his name. "It's so foreign-sounding," he complained to his roommate. Anyone who hears it knows right away I'm not an American! I wish I had a name that was a little bit Chinese sounding and a little American sounding - like Lee! I wish I was named Lee!" He went on like this all semester, and finally his roommate got sick of it.
 "Just go to the court house and have your name changed to Lee if it means that much to you!" he snapped.
 "You can do that here?" Ving asked in astonishment.
 "Sure - you just go to the court house and fill out some forms!" his roommate said.
 "Can you drive me?" asked Ving. His roomie agreed, and they set out only to be intercepted by Ving's sister Ling.
 "Don't do it, Ving!" she said. "You will dishonor our country, our family, our heritage, and all our ancestors!"
 "My mind is made up and you can't change it!" he yelled back. "I'm going to be called LEE!"
 She climbed in the car with them and they argued all the way to the court house, but he would not budge. When they got there, they went to the clerk's office and Ving asked for a form to change his name to Lee.
 "That'll be $25," she said.
 Ving was crestfallen because he only had a couple of bucks on him. Ling looked at him in disgust.
 "I still think it's a terrible mistake," she said. "But, if your heart is set on it, I'll give you the money."
 She handed the clerk the money, and he took the form, looked at it a long time - and just couldn't do it. "Give her the money back!" he said. "I've changed my mind. Ving I was born, and Ving I shall remain."
 At that moment a car screeched to a halt outside the court house, and an elderly Chinese man got out. It was their grandfather! He rushed up the steps and slapped $25 onto the clerk's desk, took the form, and handed it to Ving.
 "It's OK, grandfather," Ving said. "I've decided to keep my name."
 The grandfather scowled and said: "Don't! Stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 25, 2014, 07:28:55 PM
^ freaking ouch, that was bad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 25, 2014, 08:25:54 PM
Upon learning that one of the patients in his psychiatric clinic had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of the swimming pool he'd leaped into with a brick tied around his ankle, the center's director called the rescuer into his office.

"Well," said the director, "your heroic action this morning indicates that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck."

"Silly, he didn't kill himself," the patient replied. "I hung him up to dry."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 28, 2014, 06:58:44 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/ZS6q0Mk.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 28, 2014, 07:12:42 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


A guy walks into a bar with his pet newt on his shoulder.
"What do you call it?" asks the barman.
"Tiny"
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."


A font walks into a bar, only to be confronted by the owner.
"You'll have to leave. We don't serve your type in here."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: cqmorrell on September 30, 2014, 04:20:57 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Flushed.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 01, 2014, 09:59:26 AM
Three seminary students took an afternoon off their studies to hike in the country. It was hot, so they stripped to their birthday suits for a swim in the creek. They'd no sooner hit the water when who should come walking past but the Dean of the seminary, also taking a stroll. In a frenzy the seminarians leaped out of the pond and ran for their lives. Two of the students used their hands to cover their privates, but the third covered his face instead. When they made it to the treeline, one of the two who had covered himself down below asked his friend why he hadn't done the same. "Well, I'm not judging you," this seminarian replied, "but I'd like to think it's more probable the Dean would recognize me by my face..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on October 01, 2014, 10:41:11 PM

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did the ranch say to the refrigerator?
Close the door I'm dressing!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 17, 2015, 07:40:46 AM
(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww28/jackc8/11111614_1110914645589676_1306445669535330352_n_zpsjp0ebwpx.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 17, 2015, 07:50:14 AM
([url]http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww28/jackc8/11111614_1110914645589676_1306445669535330352_n_zpsjp0ebwpx.jpg[/url])


 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Well, begorrah! I always thought I was African, now I see I'm Irish.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 19, 2015, 08:18:47 PM
Diarrhea is heredity, as it runs in your jeans.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on July 20, 2015, 03:25:01 PM
What do you call a bassist who plays with a distorted tone?

A lazy guitarist.

What do you throw a drowning bassist?

His amp.

What's the difference between pizza and a bassist?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a bassist, the other didn't have any money either.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind the train?

Why are there four strings on a bass?

Three are spares.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on August 09, 2015, 11:37:02 PM
Dad comes home from a hunting trip and cooks deer for the family.
"What is it?" the son asks when he puts it on the table.
"I'll give you a hint.. it's something your mom calls me."
The son yells, "Don't eat it; it's an a**hole!!!".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on August 10, 2015, 05:20:31 PM
One day after services a visitor to a parish stopped to talk to the priest as he was leaving.  He said, "Father that was a damn good homily!"

"Thank you my son," the priest replied, "but there is no reason to swear in God's house."

"But father, that was one godd**n good homily," the visitor replied.

The priest replied, "I must ask you my son not to swear in God's house."

"Ok," the visitor said.  "But I was so impressed with the excellent homily you gave I put a check for $10,000 in the collection basket!"

"No s**t?" the priest then said.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 10, 2015, 10:37:36 PM
What do two snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 11, 2015, 02:35:18 AM
A family called the Hills win first prize in a competition for a tour round Europe. There is mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill. Eventually their trip takes them to Transylvania where on a dark and stormy night the car breaks down. "No problem", explains daddy Hill, "I saw a castle a few miles back, we can just hike back to it and see if they have a phone."

So mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill head back to the dark castle and knock on the door. It is answered by an elderly aristocratic man who on hearing their problems tells them while he has no phone, they are welcome to come in and stay the night. The Hills gratefully accept and when their host invites them down for a meal they meet him in the castles great hall. A veritable feast is laid out for them, but they don't notice their host doesn't eat any. With some stangled noise ack noises the Hills fall down dead, poisoned.

With an evil chuckle, their vampiric host runs over and drinks blood from the three of them, then goes over to play on his organ. Cackling maniacally as he plays 'O Fortuna', he doesn't hear or realise someone is moving behind him, until a broken off chair leg is shoved into his back, impaling his heart. As he falls off his stool, he see's the Hills standing behind him and gasps "But.... how..? I poisoned you and drained your blood!"

Daddy Hill spreads his arms wide and says "The Hills are alive with the sound of music."

My geography teacher told me that joke when I was 12. 29 years later I still haven't forgiven him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 21, 2015, 08:21:00 AM
Two pastors were taking a summertime canoe trip together, when their canoe tipped over and they were dunked into the lake.

They managed to swim to shore and stripped off their clothes and hung them to dry on some nearby branches.

But no sooner were they in their birthday suits, however, than Silver Sisters Hiking Club, composed of elderly women from both their congregations, came walking by.

Chagrined,  the two pastors took off running naked into the woods. One pastor covered his privates, the other his face, fleeing the shrieks, gasps and (shamefully enough) wolf whistles from the gawking seniors.

When they were safely concealed in the forest, the pastor who had hidden his privates asked his friend why he'd hidden his face.

"Well," said that minister, "I don't know what's going on over at your church, but where I come from it's my face that I'm known by!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on August 22, 2015, 02:24:56 PM
2 deceased women meet in heaven.

The first asks the second, "How did you die?"

The 2nd replies, "I froze to death.  You?"

The 1st says, "Heart attack.  I suspected my husband of cheating and ran all over the house looking for the other woman.  I checked the attic, all the closets, under all the beds-- nothing!  Finally, when I got to the den, I saw my husband just sitting in his easy chair watching tv, so he must not have cheated after all.  I collapsed and died, so here I am."

The 2nd says, "Well, if you'd checked the freezer, we'd both be alive right now!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 22, 2015, 07:59:20 PM
What did the baby computer call it's father?

Data


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on August 24, 2015, 05:01:03 AM
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time-consuming.  :wink: :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on August 26, 2015, 04:49:57 PM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p**s off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 03, 2015, 11:47:47 AM
Sadist and a masochist walk into a bar.

"Hurt me!' screams the masochist.
 
"No," replies the sadist.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on September 04, 2015, 09:17:37 AM
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Wal-Mart joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Wal-Mart associate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he also works for Wal-Mart. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and yes he also works for Wal-Mart.  We all spend eight hours a day lifting heavy stuff.  Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on September 06, 2015, 08:04:10 PM

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 07, 2015, 07:58:12 PM
I held open the door for a clown. It was a nice jester

I had some food coloring, I think I dyed inside.

I don't fear condiments on my food, I relish it.

Dry erase board? That's remarkable!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 12, 2015, 11:45:35 AM
Bunch of insects are playing football. It's tied until at the last second the thousand-legger runs in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild.

It takes twenty minutes for him to get off the field to the locker room. "Why you so late?" his coach asks.

"Sorry," said the thousand-legger, "I was in the bleachers giving my dad high fives."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 16, 2015, 09:16:43 AM
In honor of her dead body appearing in a tabloid this week, proving not even death can keep the woman out of the headlines, how about some assorted Joan Rivers' punchlines to remember her by?


"And only THEN did Truman Capote change the sheets...."

"The b***h wasn't brave, the b***h was lazy!"

"Not in my lifetime, Marty."

"Winnie the s**t."

"Roll them in baby powder and go for where it sticks."

"Because, stupid, unlike the others, Republican professors don't exist."

"Tracy Morgan! Oh...too soon? James Dean's car then..."

" 'Yeah,' the child molester said, 'and I have to walk out of her here alone.' "

"That audience was so goy, even the women had foreskins!"

"Worse than Anne Frank's dating choices!"

"Roger Ebert's a worse theater critic than Mrs. Lincoln."

"When she comes to dinner you don't have to slice the pizza!"

"They gave me an abandoned refrigerator to play in."

"Taking Helen Keller anywhere was the pits; she never shut up about the running water thing...."



Damn, she was great. Why did Obama have to murder her?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 16, 2015, 09:24:12 AM
And for the road, one I think Joan Rivers would have liked....

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary to cheer her up? "Take heart, honey, they elected Nelson Mandela president after he got out of prison..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Gene Worm on September 26, 2015, 01:47:47 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dennis on October 01, 2015, 07:10:52 PM
Two grandmothers who were next door neighbors till one moved to the other side of town run into each other at a restaurant one year after they were separated and have the following conversation.
Carol: So Evelyn what's going on with you?
Evelyn: Well you know my grandson Michael just got a full academic scholarship to MIT.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: And my son David got a promotion to CEO and a $100,000.00 bonus, so he's taking me to Jamaica with his family for the holidays.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: and my granddaughter Mary just married a doctor and the moved into a 10,000 square foot mansion.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: So what's been going on with you?
Carol: I've been seeing a therapist.
Evelyn: Why would you need to do that?
Carol: He's been improving my speech, now I say fantastic instead of BULLS**T!!
 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on October 04, 2015, 10:57:18 PM
What sort of hole does one bury a donkey in?

An a***ole!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: cqmorrell on October 12, 2015, 09:47:01 PM
What do you call a black man on the moon?
...
An astronaut. Are you racist?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on October 13, 2015, 06:57:47 AM
My daughter sent me this Skyrim-related one last night:

The best armor for sneaking around in is leather, because it's entirely made of hide.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on October 13, 2015, 07:39:16 AM
Ever seen a reptile eating a pizza?

It's not only great, it's turtally awesome.  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on October 15, 2015, 07:49:16 AM
"Old man is walkin' down the road, sees a young fellow looking under the bonnet of his car. Asks 'what's wrong?"
"Young fellow says, "ah, piston broke."
"Old may says 'That's just how I feel."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on May 04, 2016, 03:30:23 PM
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on May 12, 2016, 10:13:23 AM

What brand of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Why don't lobster contribute to charity?
Because they're shellfish.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 15, 2016, 09:08:54 PM
Back during the Cold War, an African dictator visiting the Kremlin was wined and dined until the end of the night, when his hosts told him it was a custom that the guest of honor play Russian Roulette. Not wishing to offend and knowing the odds of the pistol going off were but one in six, the brave African put the gun to his head, pulled the trigger and…CLICK! All was well.

Flash forward a year and one of the Soviet diplomats was visiting the dictator in his own nation. The African remembered well his night in Moscow and wined and dined the Russian, showing him the best time of his life, until the moment came the African told the Russian that his people, too, had a custom it would be impolite to refuse. He clapped his hands and six lovely young tribal women came out and stood before the Russian visitor.

"It is a custom here that you choose one of these six to give you oral pleasure," the President told his guest.

"What a wonderful custom!" the Russian exclaimed.

"Yes," the African dictator agreed, "except did I mention one of them is a cannibal?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 19, 2016, 06:26:48 AM
One day a dumb blonde got notice that unless she came up with $800.00 worth of late payments, the bank was going to repossess her sports car.

Desperate, she hatched a plot she considered full-proof, she would kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. So the blonde drove to a playground and grabbed the first kid she saw. She took him to her car and wrote a ransom note that read, "Attention, I have kidnapped your little boy! Put $800.00 in a paper bag and leave it under the slide first thing tomorrow morning. Signed: A Blonde"

She then pinned the note to the little boy's jacket...and sent him home.

The next day the blonde eagerly drove to the playground and sure enough there was an envelope with $800.00 waiting for her under the slide, and inside was a note that said: "You evil slime, how could you do this to a fellow blonde???!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 15, 2016, 11:07:05 AM
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will make himself disappear at the count of 3. "Uno," he says. "Dos," he says.

*Poof*!

He disappears without a tres.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 15, 2016, 06:15:10 PM
Cheetah little, and soon you're a lion big.

(Oh, well, my kids think it's hilarious.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 16, 2016, 01:50:13 AM
Caitlyn Jenner is going to be in the Olympics!!  She will be competing in just one event.  The broad jump. 

 :lookingup:  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 16, 2016, 09:58:36 PM

What type of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

Sanka.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 19, 2016, 01:26:56 AM
You sure it wasn't STANKA?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 19, 2016, 07:31:48 AM
In Massachusetts, authorities noticed that a large number of crows have been dying on the road.
By planting game cameras, they were able to see that 95% of the deceased crows were killed by trucks, and only 5% by cars.  The state government commissioned a study to see why this was.
Five million dollars later, scientists came to two conclusions:
1.  Crows post a watch when feeding along the highways to warn them of approaching danger.
2.  However, while all crows can say "CAH!!!", none were able to yell: "Truck!!"   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 20, 2016, 08:24:49 PM

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three.  The rest are true stories.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 20, 2016, 09:07:43 PM
Once a miser lay on his deathbed, and was so determined to take his ill-gotten fortune with him that he summoned his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer, and gave them each a bulging sack of gold coins, and made them swear that when he died they'd put their sack of gold in the grave with him.

Well the old tightwad died soon after, and the three met at his graveside.

First the priest stepped up and tossed in his sack of gold, but looking ashamed he said, "I must admit, it seemed such a waste to bury so much money that I took part of it and used it for a new wing at the parish orphanage."

The doctor too tossed his sack of gold into the grave and said, "I'm embarrassed to say I didn't keep my word either, Father, because I couldn't help but think of the good that money could do, so I gave half my share to a research college that's trying to cure cancer."

Then it was the lawyer's turn to step forward and he said, "Gentlemen, I am truly ashamed of both of you. Our mutual client entrusted us with his entire fortune, and we gave our words we'd carry out his wishes and put the money into the grave with him."

"You mean," asked the priest, "that of the three of us it was you, a lawyer, who proved most trustworthy?"

"You didn't take any of it?" demanded the doctor, incredulously.

"Not one thin dime," the lawyer said solemnly, as he opened his wallet and dropped something into the grave. "As you see I just put in 100% of my share, via my personal check...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 27, 2016, 06:59:52 PM
One time I got so depressed I decided to off myself.  I tried to do that thing where you start the car and let the fumes overtake you.  Problem is, it turns out that works best when you're in an enclosed environment, like a garage.  I was in a indoor mall parking lot and it was taking FOREVER.  I had snacks, couple books to read... sitting there all day, waiting for something to happen.  People were walking by saying stuff, "Hey, Mike, how's that suicide attempt going?"  
"Ahhh, really slow!"  "Well, keep at it, you'll succeed eventually."  

"Okay!  Thanks mom!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 20, 2016, 10:30:26 AM
One day after church a child asked her mommy, "Is God a man or a woman?"

"God is both a man and a woman," answered the mother.

"Well, is God black or white?" the little girl inquired.

"God is both black and white," the mom told her.

The child thought about this for a second and asked, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 23, 2016, 10:32:55 AM
On the opening day of school a first-grade teacher asked her students to tell what they had done over the summer.


"I rode a choo-choo," said one little boy.


"No," said the teacher, "you're not a kindergartner anymore, you're a big first grader, so you're all going to start using grown-up words. You didn't ride a choo-choo, you rode a train."


She asked a little girl how she'd spent her summer.


"We went to Florida and visited my Maw-maw," the little girl stated.


"No," the teacher said, "you visited your grandma, not your maw-maw. Remember class, you're not babies anymore, so use grown-up words." She then asked another little boy how he'd spent his summer."


"I read books," the little boy told her.


"How nice!" the teacher gushed. "And what book did you like best?"


It was on the tip of the little boy's tongue to tell her, then he remembered what she'd said about not using baby talk anymore. So with pride he blurted out, "My favorite was Winnie the s**t!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 25, 2016, 10:57:09 AM
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 25, 2016, 09:42:27 PM

What do you call a black guy on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist bastard!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 26, 2016, 12:03:29 AM
A witch doctor put a curse on my boomerang. Im sure it will come back and haunt me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 30, 2016, 11:18:56 PM

It's hard in a situation like yet another shooting to find anything positive about it, but I found one thing: At least the news isn't talking about that damn gorilla anymore...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 03, 2016, 07:12:19 PM

I was walking down the street when suddenly a wild looking old gypsy woman dressed in rags came out of nowhere, pointed her finger at me and screamed, "You'll never amount to anything!  You're gonna die ALONE!!"

And I said, "Dammit, Grandma, quit bothering me!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 23, 2016, 11:27:41 AM
I think I'm becoming addicted to Viagra.

I'd like to give it up but it's hard... so very hard.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 23, 2016, 06:01:25 PM
An elderly lion is having trouble hunting and can no longer chase after fast prey, so he decides to use a disguise and buys a gorilla suit. So he gets it, puts the suit on and goes walking into the jungle. Alas when all the animals see him they still run away.
In desperation he shouts up to the monkeys in the trees how they knew?

One of them replies "Well, you can't hide your lion eyes."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on September 23, 2016, 08:28:38 PM
My ex came crawling back to me.  She said, "Give me back my damn wheelchair!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 24, 2016, 01:52:29 PM
What's the tallest building in the city? A library because it has the most stories.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said Thank You.
I said don't mention it.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the Ark hive.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on September 24, 2016, 04:36:20 PM
Why did the wino go into the haunted house?
He was looking for boos




What do you call some one who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.



What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire! 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on October 01, 2016, 06:39:33 AM
Since it's Halloween...

What's a ghost's favorite type of music?
Sheet music.

What's a ghost's favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?
Booberry.

Why were the monsters arrested for throwing a party?
They threw it across the Grand Canyon. 

Why can't witches have babies?
Cause their husbands have Hallowweenies. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 05, 2016, 09:10:50 AM
One day a man from Arkansas was in a bar in Los Angeles and he took a liking to a beautiful blond-haired woman he saw seated nearby, so he sent her a bottle of the house’s best champagne with a note attached. "Miss, You are just about the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Would you let me buy you dinner tonight? Your admirer, Jimmy Johnson Jr."

The pretty woman read the note, scoffed, and scribbled her reply. "Mister Johnson, I wouldn’t have dinner with you unless you had a Cadillac, a million dollars in the bank, and an eight-inch penis in your pants."

The waiter took the note back to the gentleman from Arkansas, who sent over the following reply: "Dear Miss, actually I don't have a Cadillac, I have a Rolls Royce. And I don't have a million dollars in the bank, I have fifteen. But not even for someone as pretty as you would I cut an inch off my member! Signed Jimmy Johnson Junior."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on October 05, 2016, 02:34:59 PM
I held the door open for a lady, but she didn't appreciate it.

She kept screaming, "What's wrong with you?  I'm peeing in here!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 09, 2016, 10:39:43 PM
This girl said she recognize me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory; I hope there's no pop quiz.

You show me a young lad's room and I'll show you a boycott


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 10, 2016, 02:50:04 PM
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident, and found themselves at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter, so they asked him if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
 
For the next two hours couple waited for an answer, and discussed the pros and cons of matrimony. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what if it didn't work? Would they be stuck in Heaven together forever?

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were wondering, if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me two hours to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 15, 2016, 11:35:04 PM
Did you know Donald Trump is a Marxist?

He admits he likes to seize control of the means of production!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on November 25, 2016, 06:59:48 PM
I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on November 30, 2016, 01:00:53 AM
I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 



Steven Wright?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 15, 2016, 11:37:22 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 The man replied, "They're Carols".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 15, 2016, 05:19:38 PM

Riddle: On a tombstone it says, "Here lies a lawyer and a honest man."  How is that possible?

They buried two people.


Headline in the paper: "Aging Reversal Definitely Possible Says Baby Scientist."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 27, 2016, 10:20:08 PM
Whenever you're cold, just stand in a corner.  A corner is always 90 degrees.


Bought some shoes from a drug deal.  I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 11, 2017, 11:37:52 PM




In the Middle Ages, there was a lake whose shores formed a perfect triangle.  On each shore lay a different kingdom.

The first kingdom was fabulously well-to-do, lacking no material goods.

The second kingdom was moderately prosperous but not rich; they got by.

The third kingdom was destitute and poor.




For years, the three kings had argued over who actually owned the lake and its resources.  Finally, in true medieval fashion, they decided to go to war for it.




The first kingdom fielded a handsome army of a hundred knights dressed in shining steel armor, attended by 200 squires.

The second kingdom sent forth a sturdy army of fifty knights, clad in supple leather armor, armed with iron weapons, attended by 100 squires.

The third kingdom sent forth one elderly knight dressed in rusty chain mail, attended by a single squire.




The knights of the first kingdom held a rich feast the night before the battle, dining on roast suckling pig, glazed peacock's tongues, and drinking rich wines from the king's cellar.

The knights of the second kingdom caught a couple of wild pigs and spit roasted them, drinking several hogsheads of cheap, rotgut mead.

The elderly knight had the best meal his king could offer: a single chicken to split with his squire.  The squire, an enterprising young lad, formed a rope into a noose and tossed it over a limb, suspending the pot high above the fire and slow cooking the bird for his master.




ON the day of the battle, the knights of the first kingdom had miserable indigestion, and spent the day passing a bottle of bismuth back and forth and racing to the privy.

The knights of the second kingdom were too hung over to get out of their bedrolls.

The elderly knight from the third kingdom - well, his arthritis had flared up from sleeping on the cold ground, and he, too, was out of it.




Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
 The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on January 14, 2017, 02:06:56 AM

Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
 The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.


I'm really tempted to boo you for that.  Not because the joke was bad (which is was) is just you made me read through all of that for THAT punchline.  

 :hatred:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 15, 2017, 12:53:29 AM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on February 13, 2017, 10:26:48 PM
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly some guy in a trench coat came up and flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke.  The second old lady had a stroke.  The third old lady's arms were too short to reach.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on February 14, 2017, 06:02:32 PM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I DARE ya to tell that one without flubbing your Fs...I dare ya!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on February 14, 2017, 10:03:41 PM
I buried a good friend.

Hearing him scream from inside the coffin while I shoveled dirt over it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 15, 2017, 08:47:06 PM
Once there was a Kingdom that was being devastated by a deadly plague.  The King searched far and wide for a cure when he got word of an old witch who knew how to treat the plague, however, there was a catch: she lived in the Dark Forest.  Upon hearing this, everyone GASPED! The Dark Forest was the home of the deadly Yellow Fingers, bizarre creatures that would spring out of nowhere and strangle any poor soul foolish enough to stumble on their path.

So, the King sent forth his best knight and gave him an order  to enter the Dark Forest and seek out the witch.  The knight promised to do so and left on his quest... and was never heard from again.  So, the King sent his second bravest knight, and, once again, he disappeared shortly after entering the forest.  The king then sent forth his third, fourth, fifth, and even sixth bravest knights in turn, all of them never to be heard from again.  Finally, all the rest of the king's knights (who weren't that brave to being with) went into hiding.

Then one day, a page-a young fellow barely out of boyhood-stepped forward and said that HE would enter the Dark Forest and find the witch.  Everyone in the court laughed at him.  The King said, "How is it that YOU can brave the dangers of the Dark Forest when all my best knights failed?"  

The boy just smiled and asked the King give him a chance.  

So, the King granted his blessing and sent the young Page off, expecting never to hear from him again.  But, surprisingly, two weeks later the boy reappeared with a scroll containing the recipe for the plague's cure.  Everyone was AMAZED!  The King asked the young man, "How do you survive?!"

The fellow smiled and said simply, "From now on, let your Pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."


(For younger people who might not get the joke...

http://youtu.be/SYpJ1IgGoc0 (http://youtu.be/SYpJ1IgGoc0))
 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 30, 2017, 11:36:21 PM

So, this guy I know saw his dreams of a career in medicine destroyed because of one small indiscretion: he slept with a patient.  Now even with all those years of training, classes, hard work, and, no matter what, he'll never be a vet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 05, 2017, 10:55:53 PM
Why do assassins prefer to wear leather? Because it's made of hide.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on April 07, 2017, 12:46:05 AM
So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on April 07, 2017, 10:08:00 AM
So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.

One of the best jokes told in Fallout 4!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 12, 2017, 12:05:07 AM
I p**sed off two men today because I called them hipsters. Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 12, 2017, 06:08:52 AM
The title of my new book is THEOPHILUS: A TALE OF ANCIENT ROME.

I got this note from a friend: "Congrats, Lewis!  I know it'll be great and not 'theophilus' novel ever!"

That one was groan-worthy!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 16, 2017, 06:14:19 PM
I used to have a problem with deli meat. My doctor told me to quit cold turkey.


An Eglishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are watching a magician perform a disappearing act. When the magician asks them if they can still see him, they respond as followed:
Yes
Oui

Ja


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on April 17, 2017, 03:20:07 AM

What's a bigamist?

Italian Fog.

(Ay big ah mist!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 17, 2017, 09:57:31 AM
I have to help proliferate this "TRULY" truly terrible joke, since my friend Rob says he thought it up and seems rather, uh, proud of it.


A bar walks into a guy.

"Hey, I think you're telling this joke wrong," said the guy.

The bar answered, "Not in Bizarro World, Superman."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 18, 2017, 12:58:03 PM
A traveling salesman went into a brothel, laid down a grand and said, "For the next fifteen minutes, give me the least skilled woman you have here."

The Madam said, "Sir, for a thousand dollars for fifteen minutes you can have the best in the house."

"No, lady," the salesman said, "I'll take the worst, because I'm not horny, I'm homesick."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on April 18, 2017, 02:59:48 PM
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?  "Aye Matey."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on April 18, 2017, 06:58:24 PM
Never fart in the Apple/Ipod store.  Why?  Because they don't have Windows.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 08, 2017, 11:19:15 AM
A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, my privates are swollen and red and they hurt all the time."

The doctor had a look, saw the man was right about that area being red and inflammed, so he asked, "Have you been hit in the groin lately?"

"Well," the man said, "I got fired about three months ago for getting into a brawl with my supervisor, who tried to kick me in the crotch, but I blocked it, so no."

"Well," the doctor tried again, "have you perhaps had relations lately with anyone you didn't know too well?"

"No," said the man, "since I got divorced after losing my job, I haven't been with anyone."

"Huh," said the doctor, "sometimes stress affects the body in strange ways, and losing your job and getting divorced might be stressful enough to turn your privates red, sore, and swollen. Would you say you've felt stressed out lately."

"Nah," the man said, "no stress whatsoever. Why since I got divorced and lost my job, all I do is sit around all day and relax and watch porn, nonstop....."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2017, 09:18:22 AM
A koala bear is sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A lizard walks pass and looks up, asking the koala what he's doing. The koala said he smoking and asks the lizard to join him. So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and have a joint. After a while the lizard gets "desert mouth" and goes to the riverbed for a drink. The lizard, being stoned out of his mind, falls in the  river. A crocodile nearby sees this and helps the lizard out of the water. The crocodile asks the lizard what's the matter with him, so the lizard explains how he met up with the koala and had a joint. The crocodile said that he has to go see this and goes to the tree where the koala is. The crocodile yells "HEY KOALA!" and the koala looks down and said "f**k dude, how much did you drink?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 17, 2017, 02:12:30 PM

My Uncle Lark told me this at his Kentucky Derby party, so I have to proliferate it.



A man from Alabama dies and is depressed to find himself in Hell.

"Why so down?" his neighbor in Hades, a New Yorker, asks.

"Uh, I'm in Hell???" the man from 'Bama answers.

"No, Hell is awesome," the New Yorker tells him. "Do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," the Alabama man says. "I like my beer and whisky."

"Great! Why every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night we all get wasted drunk down here at a giant open bar, and when we wake up, no hangover because we're dead!"

"Wow," the Alabama fellow says, taken aback.

"So," asks the former New York resident, "do you like to gamble?"

"Sure, gambling was always fun," said the Alabama man. "I was known to lose a few weekends in Vegas here and there."

"You're in luck then, my friend, because every Thursday night the boss opens the casino here. Blackjack, roulette, loose slots, you name it. And if you lose your shirt, who cares, we're already dead!"

Warming to the idea of Hell just a bit, the Alabama man asks, "So what about Friday night?"

"Do you like to do drugs?" the New Yorker quizzes enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I smoked and snorted a bit in my younger days and it was always a good time," said the man from Alabama."

"Awesome!" the New Yorker cheered. "You are gonna love it then. Every Friday Satan and his minions roll fat joints and pass them around with anything else you can shoot, swallow or inhale to get high. If we overdose, who cares, we're already dead!"

"Wow, just...wow," said the Alabama man.

"So," the New Yorker said at last. "Are you into rough, hard gay sex?"

"No! Not at all!" said the Alabaman, recoiling.

"Ooooh," said the New Yorker apologetically, "then you're gonna hate the weekends..."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 17, 2017, 05:00:37 PM
Did you hear about the guy who compulsively caught wild coneys and dressed them up like nuns?

He said it became a force of habit to find a rabbit, grab it, and make it wear a habit!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on May 23, 2017, 11:14:35 AM

Why were blondes stealing police cars?

They saw "911" on the side and thought they were Porsches. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 27, 2017, 03:03:46 PM
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing?

What's the difference between in laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 01, 2017, 06:23:43 PM
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 01, 2017, 07:34:10 PM
Why don't blondes dance cheek to cheek?
Their asses get sore.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 06, 2017, 03:11:47 PM
What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 18, 2017, 11:40:14 AM
"....yes, but except for that, how was the Ariana Grande concert?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was your day at the World Trade Center?"

(Too soon? Okay, then....)

"...yes, but except for that diagnosis, how was the clinic, Liberace?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

(Too soon? Okay then....)

"....yes, but except for that, how was Passover in Jerusalem last Friday, Mary?"

(All right! You liked that one, proving as Joan Rivers always told us, comedy is tragedy plus time.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 18, 2017, 04:29:58 PM
What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD. 

There's a "fake news" joke in there somewhere too, I'm sure of it!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 22, 2017, 10:55:36 PM

So I was in a car with a friend driving and we saw a sign that said, "15 Miles Per Hour Ahead".  Well, there were four of us, so we got through that area pretty fast. I'm just thankful I wasn't on a bus.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 26, 2017, 03:11:19 AM
Heard this on an episode of Bones:

"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would have farted."  :buggedout: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 26, 2017, 03:28:28 AM
A man went to see his buddy, who had broken a leg at work.  His friend was propped up in front of the couch, watching football and in some pain.
His co-worker asked if there was anything he could do for him.  The injured worker said:
"Be a pal and get my slippers out of my bedroom. My feet are getting cold!"
As the guy went upstairs, he heard giggles coming from a different bedroom.  He went in and saw his buddy's two daughters, home on holiday from college, sitting on the bed in their underwear and chatting.  He decided to have a bit of fun with them.
"Hello, girls," he said.  "Your dad sent me upstairs to have sex with you two!"
They laughed out loud, and the oldest said: "He did no such thing!"

"Sure he did," replied the man, "and I can prove it!" He leaned out the door and called downstairs:
"Larry, did you mean both of them?"

"OF COURSE I meant both of them, you idiot!" his friend replied.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 08, 2017, 03:25:22 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/FoWnPLH.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 09, 2017, 01:58:23 PM
Three really dumb guys were sitting around bored, so they pooled their resources and it came to about five dollars, then one of the group went out to find them something fun.

About half an hour later he came back with a box of tampons, and set them on the table.

"What we gonna do with those???" asked one of them.

"It's the coolest thing I ever heard of," said the one who went to the store. "Look, it says right here, you can swim with 'em, you can ride  a bike with 'em, you can play sports with 'em, you can even, "he winked knowingly, "sleep with 'em."

The other two stared back at him aghast at his stupidity, til one of them burst out, "You're a total idiot! Why there ain't room in that box for all three of us!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 09, 2017, 09:32:48 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/brcxFGz.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 17, 2017, 07:10:26 PM
(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 "You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
 ..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 18, 2017, 07:04:17 AM
(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 "You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
 ..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"

I applaud that new wife's commitment to go the extra mile in keeping her husband happy. What an inspiration story. Just wow.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 20, 2017, 12:59:35 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/hlutiwq.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/CsexRNH.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 21, 2017, 01:44:07 PM
Said the masochist to the sadist: "Hurt me!'

Said the sadist to the masochist: "Never."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 23, 2017, 01:08:26 PM

What's the perfect gift for the man who has everything?

Penicillin.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 24, 2017, 07:23:02 PM
"Any and all cabbage left will be shredded and mixed with mayo"
-Cole's Law.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 25, 2017, 08:25:11 AM
What did Saddam say when he reached the fires of Hell?

Ouch!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 25, 2017, 12:39:42 PM
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw, years ago, when the Ayatollah Khoumeini died. 
A huge, grinning Satan was holding Khoumeini in his palm, while flames leaped up all around them.

Khoumeini:  "HEY!  This isn't paradise!"
Satan:  "No, and my name is not America, either!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 28, 2017, 07:10:43 PM

Talking to a fellow from Russia and I said, "You see, one of the good things about America is that we're perfectly free to criticize our government and elected officials."

And the fellow, "Well, that's true here, too."

I said, "Really?"

"Yeah, we're perfectly free to criticize your government and elected officials as well!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsawmidget on August 04, 2017, 07:29:02 PM
What do you call a black man that flies a plane?


A pilot, you racist. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on August 08, 2017, 06:07:26 PM
Tour bus driver: "We are now passing the largest brothel in the world."

Male tourist: "Why?!?"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 09, 2017, 07:56:45 PM
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on August 11, 2017, 06:30:33 AM
One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes,

let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No", the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued,

"you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though,

because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well", concluded Socrates,

"If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on August 11, 2017, 11:17:32 AM
Quote
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

But what about the hemlock?  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 11, 2017, 11:28:20 AM
I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 21, 2017, 09:50:22 PM

Harry Potter fans: I wish I could go to Hogwarts!
Narnia fans: I wish I could go to Narnia!
The Hobbit fans: I wish I could go to Middle Earth!
Hunger Games fans: Nah, we're good.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 24, 2017, 07:36:39 PM
Two flies are on a piece of poop eating it. One of them farts. The other says "What's wrong with you, I'm eating."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 12, 2017, 10:26:21 PM
WARNING: This one is really gross.


I overheard someone say (I kid you not), "When you're pulling your woman's tampon out with your teeth, that's when you know you're really in love!"

I thought to myself, "Gee, I doubt that'll make a Hallmark card anytime soon."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 13, 2017, 10:56:33 PM
FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 14, 2017, 11:08:42 AM
FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!

Which one were you referring to, the joke or Ethiopian food?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 17, 2017, 09:23:51 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZXwhBy.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on September 19, 2017, 01:17:33 PM
I dreamed I was a bicycle, then I woke up too tired.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 28, 2017, 11:37:26 AM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on September 28, 2017, 05:07:20 PM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 28, 2017, 06:20:57 PM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?
Shrug, it just came to me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 30, 2017, 10:08:42 PM
Did you know that sometimes teachers make great hookers?  Because you know teachers, they make you do stuff over and over again until you get it right. :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 01, 2017, 12:04:49 PM
Someone broke in to my house and stole my limbo trophy. Just how low can they go?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on October 11, 2017, 09:04:41 PM

Why does Harvey Weinstein always cry during sex?

Because of the mace.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 17, 2017, 08:03:11 PM
Balloons take up more space relative to their cost than any other products sold in the last century, adjusted for inflation.

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her "On which day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler. "Any day", she replied, "on which you die will become a Jewish holiday."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 26, 2017, 01:48:06 PM
I went to see a hypnotists show last night. At one point he had seven guys hypnotised. Then he accidently dropped his mike on his foot and yelled "f**k ME!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on October 27, 2017, 07:10:42 AM
I went to see a hypnotists show last night. At one point he had seven guys hypnotised. Then he accidently dropped his mike on his foot and yelled "f**k ME!"

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

LOL: I needed that laugh.  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Hopefully they were all hunks  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on October 27, 2017, 12:06:02 PM
"Do you always Nickle and Dime everyone?"

"Yes sir; this is a five and ten cent store."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on November 05, 2017, 12:57:02 AM
A guy is sitting at a bar in the Penthouse on the 30th floor of a fancy hotel.  A woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, sailor, what cha drinking?"

"Oh, nothing," the guy replies, "Except for this... magic beer!"

"What?" the girl says, incredulous.  "No way!"

"Yes," the guy says, "I'm dead serious.  This beer is MAGIC.  What this." 

The guy downs the rest of his beer, runs over to a nearby window, opens it, jumps out and starts FLYING around.  After about a minute, he comes back in.

"WOW!" says the girl, "That's amazing!  I want to try some of that!"

"Barkeep!" says the man, "Give the lady one of what I'm having."

The barkeep comes over and gives the lady a beer.  She promptly downs it, runs over to the windows,  yells, "Watch me!" and jumps out.

She then promptly falls into the ground below.

The barkeeper sighs heavily and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a***ole when you're drunk!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BoyScoutKevin on November 19, 2017, 02:48:28 PM
A guy is sitting at a bar in the Penthouse on the 30th floor of a fancy hotel.  A woman walks up to him and says, "Hey, sailor, what cha drinking?"

"Oh, nothing," the guy replies, "Except for this... magic beer!"

"What?" the girl says, incredulous.  "No way!"

"Yes," the guy says, "I'm dead serious.  This beer is MAGIC.  What this." 

The guy downs the rest of his beer, runs over to a nearby window, opens it, jumps out and starts FLYING around.  After about a minute, he comes back in.

"WOW!" says the girl, "That's amazing!  I want to try some of that!"

"Barkeep!" says the man, "Give the lady one of what I'm having."

The barkeep comes over and gives the lady a beer.  She promptly downs it, runs over to the windows,  yells, "Watch me!" and jumps out.

She then promptly falls into the ground below.

The barkeeper sighs heavily and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real a***ole when you're drunk!"

I haven't seen it, but from what I read of the reviews so far, the latest "Justice League" would drive anyone to drink, even Superman.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on November 20, 2017, 08:59:52 AM
G.W. Bush, Obama and Trump all die and go before God to be judged.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"
Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"
"Very well", says God. "Come sit to my right."

Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"
Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."
"Good", says God. "You shall sit to my left."

Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"

Trump answers: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 02, 2017, 07:37:28 PM
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where abouts from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight."

The guy asks, "Why do you say that?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 02, 2017, 07:56:17 PM
Why do Norwegian ships have bar codes on the side?


So they can Scandanavian!!  (say it slow)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 20, 2017, 05:57:34 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/MoiiAZl.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 20, 2017, 09:07:49 PM
What were Kurt Cobain's last words?

"I need drugs like I need a hole in my head!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 21, 2017, 09:20:50 AM

I try to re-tell this sick joke one at least once a year, and since 2017 is almost over....


One dark and stormy night a serial killer kidnapped a little boy and was carrying him off to his lair in the middle of a dark woods when the child said, "It sure is scary in here!"

To which the molester replied, "You're telling me, and I'm gonna hafta walk outa here alone!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 22, 2017, 10:03:43 AM

A man off the street looks into a barber shop and calls in, "So how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "Oh, maybe two hours."

So the man at the door leaves.

A few days later the same man sticks his head in the door and asks, "So how long today before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About two hours, give or take."

The man at the door leaves.

A week later the same man sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "Today it's probably an hour."

Once more the man outside walks away.

The barber looks over at a waiting customer and says "Hey, Tyrone, free shave and haircut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

Bit later Tyrone comes back to the shop laughing hysterically, so the barber says, "Well, this must be good. Where did he go when he left here?"

Tyrone says, "Your apartment!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 23, 2017, 06:06:30 PM
A priests asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, "Do you have any last requests?”
"Yes," replies the murderer. "Can you please hold my hand?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 23, 2017, 11:34:36 PM
Tonight we had to make a last-minute WalMart run to buy ingredients for tomorrow's dinner.  One of the things we needed was molasses, but they were sold out.  So we drove down the street to Brookshire's and found a jar of molasses there.  As we were walking to the checkout, inspiration hit me and I asked my wife:

"Do we need any other mole parts, or just molasses?" 

She hung her head in shame (or else to stifle her laugher) until we left the store.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 25, 2017, 10:12:14 AM
I saw two Santa's wrestling a reindeer today.

I think it was a Ho Ho Hoedown.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on January 08, 2018, 10:18:38 AM
As a class of kindergarten students were coming back from break, the teacher asked what each had gotten for Christmas.

"I got a choo-choo," said one little boy.

"Justin," the teacher said,"you're getting to be a big boy now, so say it right. You got a train for Christmas."

She asked the next pupil, a little girl who said, "I got a new sled from my mee-maw."

"Remember," said the teacher, "we're all going to stop talking like preschoolers now and use big people words, so, Emma, you got a sled from your grandma."

She then asked the next little boy what he'd gotten, and he said, "I got a book."

"How nice," said the teacher. "And what book did you get?'

The boy was about to answer when he remembered what his teacher had said about not using baby words anymore, so he proudly stated, "I got Winnie the s**t!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on January 21, 2018, 02:58:30 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/aGv67II.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on January 21, 2018, 04:38:32 AM
Some nut walks up to a pretty girl in a bar.

Nut-"Dam. Your remind me of school!"

Girl-" School? "

Nut -"Yeah-I wanna shoot kids inside you."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on January 21, 2018, 08:46:38 AM
I guy comes home one day and his girlfriend is packing her bags. He asks her what's going on, and she says  "You're a pedophile!"

And he says, "That's an awfully big word for a 6 year-old."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on January 21, 2018, 12:07:55 PM
Do you know why Jesus can't eat M&M's?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

(BOOM! CRACK! "ARGHHHH!!!")
sound of me getting struck by lightning.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 21, 2018, 02:05:21 PM
Do you know why Jesus can't eat M&M's?

Because they fall through the holes in his hands.

(BOOM! CRACK! "ARGHHHH!!!")
sound of me getting struck by lightning.

the bad part is I just came home from church and still laughed at this!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on January 23, 2018, 01:56:19 PM
"What do you call an abortion in Prague? A cancelled Czech!"

- Hugo, Atheists Watch "Voiceless" (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPzFIVc5V64)



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 23, 2018, 06:52:37 PM
Man, that Joan of Arc chick was totally lit!!!   :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 24, 2018, 03:02:32 AM
"Do we need any other mole parts, or just molasses?" 

 :buggedout: +  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 24, 2018, 01:43:52 PM
Two brothers were arrested by the police today. They found one drinking battery acid while the other was eating fireworks.

In the end, they charged one but let the other off.





My girlfriend thinks I am pretentious. She walked in on me the other day while I was reading a book on existential philosophy and said "Oh my god! Are you for real?"

I answered "Well that's what I am trying to figure out."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on January 25, 2018, 05:13:53 PM
You know whats the difference between a chick pea and a garbonzo bean?

I've never had a garbonzo bean on my face!

  :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 25, 2018, 05:29:17 PM
Hey teenagers, I have a tide pod challange for you!

Put one in a washing machine and do the damn laundry.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on February 01, 2018, 08:39:25 PM
The police officer told me that anything I said can and would be held against me.

I said, "BOOBIES!!"

And they were like, "Damn, you're good!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 02, 2018, 12:37:33 PM
My six-year-old told me this one...

Why was the computer tired when he got home?

(Because he had a hard drive.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 06, 2018, 10:13:03 AM
An Irishman went into the pub with his wife, and after a few pints he remarked, "My God in Heaven, how I do love you, my dear!"

His wife blushed and asked, "Gosh, is that you or the beer that's talking?"

The Irishman said, "I'm talking TO the beer..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on February 06, 2018, 10:28:29 AM
The police officer told me that anything I said can and would be held against me.

I said, "BOOBIES!!"

And they were like, "Damn, you're good!"

Que?

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/aa/Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg/304px-Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg)

(Pic From: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg Licensed as CC-Attribution-Share Alike)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on February 06, 2018, 09:34:38 PM
The police officer told me that anything I said can and would be held against me.

I said, "BOOBIES!!"

And they were like, "Damn, you're good!"

Que?

(https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/a/aa/Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg/304px-Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg)

(Pic From: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Blue-footed_Booby_Comparison.jpg Licensed as CC-Attribution-Share Alike)

Weird.. I didn't know there were birds called boobies.  I DID know there were birds called tits though.  

(https://news.nationalgeographic.com/content/dam/news/photos/000/718/71833.jpg)

Whoever names birds seems to be preoccupied with something...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 06, 2018, 10:15:30 PM
What happens when the world stops revolving?  :smile:

DEATH



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 07, 2018, 05:24:19 PM
Why did the blind man fall into the well?
He didn't see that well.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 07, 2018, 05:56:05 PM
How many Polacks does it take to turn in a light bulb?  :question:

NONE. I MURDERED THEM IN THEIR SLEEP.

 :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 07, 2018, 06:51:32 PM
What's RED and WHITE and screams in a blender!





A big headline, boys! Print it on Page ONE!

 :bouncegiggle:

That one even kils me. I been making these jokes up-but that one was funny!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 09, 2018, 04:31:04 AM
How does Moses make teas?
Hebrews.



I found an origami porn channel.
Shame its paper view only.


When the Titanic sank almost all of the zodiac signs managed to survive.
All except Leo.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 09, 2018, 11:46:25 AM
I bet the shovel was a ground breaking invention.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: lester1/2jr on February 09, 2018, 12:04:16 PM
What did the music teacher say to the kid who didn't want to play the tuba?

"youtube"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 09, 2018, 06:26:53 PM
What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 14, 2018, 04:04:55 PM
A woman with a mullet walked into a bar and sat down next to a man. "So," the woman asked the man, "are you straight?"

The man said, "Yeah, I'm straight."

The woman said, "Well, women are always on my mind, night or day, all I want to do is sleep with women, and that's all I dream about, think about, or hope for. So I guess that means I'm a lesbian." With those words she got up and left the bar like everything was finally figured out.

The man on the other hand began to look deeply puzzled.

A short time later a young flamboyantly dressed man came in and sat down next to the first man and said, "Please tell me you're not straight."

To which the first man replied, "Y'know, I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a lesbian..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 14, 2018, 08:57:46 PM
(From one of my students)

What's the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?

A ginger with two friends.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on February 20, 2018, 10:41:53 PM
(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/-Ww-L_qsJA1Q/WoaCH9oHBTI/AAAAAAAGLPo/HyKplcLX-Zw9iW_zxlPB-_kgpGHBkxAvwCJoC/w729-h839-n-rw/4085567e-c219-4f3f-8604-f59daf6ea901.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 25, 2018, 04:14:56 PM
Ireland has just experienced its worst ever airplane disaster. A small four seater plane has crashed into a graveyard. So far they have recovered 987 bodies, and expect this to rise as digging continues.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 25, 2018, 05:01:50 PM
Ireland has just experienced its worst ever airplane disaster. A small four seater plane has crashed into a graveyard. So far they have recovered 987 bodies, and expect this to rise and digging continues.

I like that!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 25, 2018, 08:38:08 PM
A baptist minister was holding a revival and bellowing loudly about God's perfection.

"Remember!" He roared ”God don't make no mistakes! Everything god does is perfect! Everything god makes is perfect!"

A hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf was hobbling along past the revival, heard the minister's ranting and shouted back "What about me? If god made me why am in a hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf?!"

The minister bellowed back "Yes, and you're the most perfect hunchbacked, one eyed, club footed dwarf I've ever seen!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 25, 2018, 09:25:58 PM
What do Celiac zombies want to eat?
Graaaains!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 28, 2018, 05:33:46 AM
I was going to post a time travel joke, but you guys didn't think it was funny.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 28, 2018, 06:52:21 AM
Bob and his partner had found an old diary at a yard sale and it it they found references to a nearby cave where some officers of the Confederacy had hidden a cache of gold with the intent of using it to fund a guerilla war against the northern occupiers after the civil war, but the band had been spotted entering the cave and killed by a band of angry freed slaves as they exited. Legend had it the ghosts of the dead confederate officers guarded few  cave and killed anyone coming bear the gold. Bob recognized the possible location of the cave and the two decided to search for the gold.

They find a cave at the right location and entered it, only to find it split about 40 feet in. Bob went right and his partner went left. After a few minutes bob heard a horrifying scream come from the left cave and his partner called out "Bob! Help! They're here! The ghosts have mmeeeeeee!"

Bob ran so fast and far when the finally collapsed it took his shadow half an hour to catch up to him.

After Bob ran from the cave like a cheetah with its tail on fire, I gathered up every last bit of gold in the cave and kept it all.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 01, 2018, 07:31:18 PM
Since it started snowing heavily seven hours ago my mother in law has done nothing but stare fixidly through the window.

Perhaps I should go let her in?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 02, 2018, 12:48:51 AM
Since it started snowing heavily seven hours ago my mother in law has done nothing but stare fixidly through the window.

Perhaps I should go let her in?


(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-7i7QspNPPR4/Ti2oiZmFrUI/AAAAAAAACaE/G6Ep-UDONUA/s1600/ff-cat2.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 04, 2018, 02:11:35 AM
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. You know, I haven't had the flu all winter!"

The pastor fainted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 04, 2018, 05:23:13 PM
I found a book filled with evil cookie recipies.

It was called the Necroomnomnomnomicon.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 05, 2018, 09:45:56 PM
Heard the one about the Michael Brown doll? 

Nevermind, it was dead on arrival.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 05, 2018, 10:08:21 PM
No, but I did buy a new Helen Keller action figure.
You wind it up and it runs into walls!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 06, 2018, 01:13:53 AM
How do you define recession,  depression and recovery?

Recession: Your neighbor loses his job.

Depression: You lost your job.

Recovery: Donald Trump loses his job.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 06, 2018, 06:15:30 PM
How do you define recession,  depression and recovery?

Recession: Your neighbor loses his job.

Depression: You lost your job.

Recovery: Donald Trump loses his job.

Ronald Reagan said it first.
About Jimmy Carter!!  (It was funny then too.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 06, 2018, 06:22:09 PM
In ancient nazereth a crowd had gathered to stone an adulteress to death.

Jesus stepped forwards and said "Let ye of whom is without sin cast the first stone. "

The crowd stopped for a moment.  Then a rock flies out of the crowd,  hits the adulteress between the eyes and kills her instantly.

Jesus yells "Dammit mom! "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 06, 2018, 10:31:29 PM
Scott Baio announced he would no longer go into Dick's sporting goods as a protest against their ending the sales of semi-automatic firearms.

Dick's had to bring in a replacement cashier to fill in for him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 08, 2018, 12:28:09 PM
A prostitute, an architect and a politician are all having an argument about whose job is the oldest.

The prostitute says that well hers is called 'The oldest profession'.
The architect says, look the creation of the universe out the chaos that existed before was clearly the work of an architect so my job is older.
The politician smiles and says "Ah, but someone had to create the chaos."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 08, 2018, 11:14:49 PM
Donald Trump wants to do something about school shootings by going after video games.

That's the most terrible joke I've heard in a long time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 09, 2018, 12:56:29 PM
An elderly couple were out having dinner when with embarrassment the man whispered to his wife, "I think I just silently passed gas, what do I do?"

A kid three tables away replied, "For starters turn up your hearing aid."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on March 09, 2018, 01:08:39 PM
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?

The outside.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 09, 2018, 02:11:05 PM
(https://scontent.fewr1-3.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/28685424_1649015091852014_5836401140064687587_n.jpg?oh=660db1594bb68571af68dce293de2ba0&oe=5B48CAE9)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 09, 2018, 03:50:13 PM
Do you know the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

One of them snatches watches, the other...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on March 09, 2018, 06:25:00 PM
In 1983 Atari lost over $500 million dollars, so Warner Communications, parent company of Atari, decided to sell it.

It was bought by Jack Tramiel, former head of Commodore Business Machines, Atari's biggest rival in the home computer market, and a difficult man to work for.

As he entered Atari's game development building, with his two adult sons & a few  loyal former Commodore execs, one of Atari's engineers decided to make a joke. The engineer got on the building's PA system, & called out a warning: "Imperial storm troopers have entered the base! Imperial storm troopers have — Urk!"

Funny. Except Jack Tramiel was a holocaust surviver who hadn't seen Star Wars.

True story.

http://www.dadhacker.com/blog/?p=995 (http://www.dadhacker.com/blog/?p=995)

http://www.dadhacker.com/blog/?p=1000 (http://www.dadhacker.com/blog/?p=1000)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 09, 2018, 06:36:57 PM
Well,  hopefully it hit him in the face with how the way he acted made people see him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 09, 2018, 06:50:54 PM
What's the difference between Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Apple Computers?

Apple computers updates its pads more often.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 09, 2018, 09:39:27 PM
Before he left for a night of hook-ups with strange males met through an app, my cousin told this wholesome old joke:

How do you make a gay baby cry?
You take the pacifier out of his butt.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 10, 2018, 01:20:19 AM
I know the economy sucks,  but I didn't know how bad it was until I saw that Snoop Dogg was having to write cooking instructions to get by.

That's right,  the economy is so bad that former rap star snoop dog is having to write cooking instructions.

I know because I just got a bag of frozen French fries and the instructions said "Bake at 420 for 30 minutes. "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 11, 2018, 12:02:41 PM
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church and took a seat in the confessional but didn't say anything, so after a moment Father O'Connor cleared his throat to attract his attention, though even then the drunk kept silent. The Father then coughed loudly but still got no response. Finally, losing patience, Father O'Connor knocked on the wall, and the drunk replied, "Sorry, can't help you, Father, there's no toilet paper in this one either."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 11, 2018, 10:59:02 PM
What did Kevin spacey do when he saw a 14 year old boy smoking?

Slowed down and used more vaseline.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 11, 2018, 11:59:28 PM
What do you call a midget who's power puking?

 A fire hydrant.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 12, 2018, 12:04:36 AM
What did Jeffery Dahmers Mom say to him when she found out about his crimes?

" If your grandfather knew about this he would be rolling in his gravy!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 12, 2018, 01:13:07 AM
What's the only thing that grows in Chicago?
The murder rate.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 12, 2018, 01:16:36 AM
What's the only thing that grows in Chicago?
The murder rate.

Usta be Detroit. Sad. It's all sad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 12, 2018, 07:04:54 AM
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

 1. It is perfect formula for the child.

 2. It provides immunity against several diseases.

 3. It is always the right temperature.

 4. It is inexpensive.

 5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

 6. It is always available as needed.

 And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote...

 7. It comes naturally packaged in 2 attractive containers that the cat can't get into.

 He got an A.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 13, 2018, 06:22:50 PM
What did Kevin spacey do when he saw a 14 year old boy smoking?

Slowed down and used more vaseline.

Before you call anyone else out for vile jokes you might want to have a good look in the mirror. Sorry but if you are going to pull others up on their standards you should at least be man enough to keep those standards yourself first.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 13, 2018, 07:05:16 PM
When a man says he would do anything for a woman he means he'd stop bullets or kill dragons.

NOT clean he dishes, or clean the basement.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 316zombie on March 13, 2018, 08:06:13 PM
in my case, he'd much rather clean. i handle the dragons, and i'm already bulletproof, lol!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 13, 2018, 10:03:06 PM
It was so cold in my neighborhood today I saw a trump supporter put on a ski cap before he put on his white hood.

A bunch of Trump supporters decided to go to California to protest it's sanctuary city policy.  They charted a greyhound,   followed the driver's instruction to get on the bus and were all killed when it went under a low bridge.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on March 15, 2018, 10:59:39 AM
"What's up?"

"Ceiling Tiles."

(Note: this has been my standard joke for 3-5 years now. I need a new joke.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 21, 2018, 11:08:26 AM
From a post on a friends FB page that made me chuckle.

Person 1: Jesus's mother was a virgin when she gave birth to him.
Person 2: Yeah that's why three random guys showed up with gifts.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 21, 2018, 12:03:00 PM
Patient "Doctor, I have a problem with my joints."
Doctor "Do they hurt?"
Patient "No, I suck at rolling them!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 21, 2018, 04:56:54 PM
I have a plan to cool myself down to -273 Celsius, my friends think it's suicide but i think i'll be 0k


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 21, 2018, 09:18:18 PM
Question: what happens if you put odor eaters in an arab's sandals?

Answer:

(http://images3.static-bluray.com/reviews/13877_1.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 22, 2018, 11:30:01 AM
I never knew much about people, until the day I took one apart just to see how they worked.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BoyScoutKevin on March 22, 2018, 02:05:56 PM
Why did Trevor cross the road?
a. To get to the other side for the underwear clearance sale. No fool he.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
b. It was lunchtime at Trevor's house, and all the birds and the bees would be there.
c. Trevor was on vacation.
d. It wanted to see where Trevor went, for it was sure to follow.
e. Trevor was on strike.
f. It was Trevor's day off from crossing the road.
g. Trevor's alarm failed to go off, and he was late.
h. Since it was paid in chickenfeed, it was cheaper to use a chicken.

Anymore?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 22, 2018, 05:12:19 PM
Q: What's the difference between a toaster oven and an electric razor?
A:  I don't know - what?
R:  Gee, you must burn your face a lot!!!!

(pulled that one on a student today)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 29, 2018, 10:00:07 PM
So, William Shatner of STAR TREK fame is apparently launching his own line of lingerie.
However, the release date has been delayed so they can change the product's name.  Apparently "Shatner Panties" didn't test well with focus groups! :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 16, 2018, 08:14:26 PM
My home-ec teacher said onions are the only food that can make a person cry, so I threw a coconut at her face.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 16, 2018, 08:52:28 PM
A pharmacy was robbed today and five crates of Viagra were stolen.

Police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 17, 2018, 12:49:30 AM
What does a trump supporter do when his laptop freezes?

Puts it in the microwave for 3 minutes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 23, 2018, 08:33:37 AM
A kindergarten teacher was introducing the basics of subtraction when she saw one little girl from a rural part of the county was staring out the window instead of paying attention, so she asked her, "Maebelle, if there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and a hunter shoots one, how many are left?"

Maebelle answered, "None."

The teacher asks her why and Maebelle answered, "Well, duh, because the shot scared the rest away."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 02, 2018, 05:39:05 PM
For some reason this doesn't work when I try to post it as a gif, so I'll just post the link.

https://imgur.com/gallery/4iQPfV3 (https://imgur.com/gallery/4iQPfV3)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 05, 2018, 02:20:56 PM
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 05, 2018, 02:26:59 PM
Yay, you found this thread!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 05, 2018, 04:16:33 PM
I was a people person once.. But people xxxxed it up.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 05, 2018, 06:25:34 PM
I saw a sign at IHOP that said:  "We serve breakfast any time!"
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
The waiter took my order, and I waited an hour.  Finally I said: "Where is my French Toast?"
He said; "Don't you remember?  I served it to you 520 years ago."

Well played.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 06, 2018, 03:15:21 AM
Whenever we drive past a graveyard my dad says, 'Do you know why I can’t be buried there?' And we all say, 'Why not?' And he says, 'Because I’m not dead yet!'


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on September 06, 2018, 03:34:29 AM
Why did Trevor cross the road?
a. To get to the other side for the underwear clearance sale. No fool he.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
b. It was lunchtime at Trevor's house, and all the birds and the bees would be there.
c. Trevor was on vacation.
d. It wanted to see where Trevor went, for it was sure to follow.
e. Trevor was on strike.
f. It was Trevor's day off from crossing the road.
g. Trevor's alarm failed to go off, and he was late.
h. Since it was paid in chickenfeed, it was cheaper to use a chicken.

Anymore?


 :thumbup: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 06, 2018, 04:56:39 AM
Why is the IRS going after Stormy Daniels?


Because she didn't declare all her "gross" income


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 12, 2018, 11:26:30 PM
A man got trampled by some horses and was taken to a hospital. His condition has been listed as stable.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 13, 2018, 02:40:08 PM
Hollywood is making a new version of 'the exorcist'. It'sIt's about a woman desperately seeking Satan's help to get a Catholic priest out of her son.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 13, 2018, 02:46:58 PM
Hollywood is making a new version of 'the exorcist'. It'sIt's about a woman desperately seeking Satan's help to get a Catholic priest out of her son.

Dude...really? Child molestation as humor?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 19, 2018, 02:09:48 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/9F4Rnqe.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 19, 2018, 04:54:46 PM
So I had this dream last night that me, AHD, Trevor, and Dark Alex were going to a B movie convention.
On the way there, the car swerved off a road and suddenly all three of us were standing before the pearly gates.

Slowly, they swung open, and a deep, booming voice said: "WELCOME TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!  DO WHAT YOU WANT, GO WHERE YOU WILL, BUT WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT STEP ON A DUCK!!"

So we entered and wandered around, and after not encountering anyone else, we decided to split up and see if we could find where all the people were.
After a while I rounded a corner, and here came AHD handcuffed to the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I mean, this woman fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down!  I said: "Dude - What happened to you??"
    AHD replied: "I stepped on a duck."

A while later I ran across Trevor, and he was handcuffed to the ugly woman's even uglier sister.  This woman was ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road!  "What happened?" I said.
 
Trevor replied:  "I stepped on a duck!"

By this point I was spending more time looking for ducks than I was looking for other people!! After a while, though, I ran into Dark Alex.  He was handcuffed to Scarlett Johansen!  I looked at him in shock and said: "What happened??"

And she said:  "I stepped on a duck."   :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 19, 2018, 09:02:48 PM
https://taskandpurpose.com/hoth-crash-air-force-investigation/


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on September 26, 2018, 10:06:59 PM

How is YOKO ONO like a spider?  She also lives off of dead beetles... 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 04, 2018, 05:14:00 PM
I tried eating Wookie once.

It was Chewie.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 06, 2018, 03:37:11 AM
Was asked if I wanted to play Battleships today.

To be honest its a game that I find very hit or miss.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 06, 2018, 06:54:00 AM
What's brown and bubbly and taps on the glass?
A hamster in a microwave!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 06, 2018, 02:12:27 PM
I was in a traffic jam yesterday when a man tapped on my window and told me that terrorists had kidnapped Donald trump and we've  demanding 10 billion in ransom or  they were going to fill a swimming pool with gasoline,  throw him in it and set it on fire.  He asked me if I'd donate anything to help.

I told him they could out me down for 2 gallons.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 06, 2018, 03:19:36 PM
I was in a traffic jam yesterday when a man tapped on my window and told me that terrorists had kidnapped Donald trump and we've  demanding 10 billion in ransom or  they were going to fill a swimming pool with gasoline,  throw him in it and set it on fire.  He asked me if I'd donate anything to help.

I told him they could out me down for 2 gallons.

There's always meanness in the things you find funny, never joy.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 10, 2018, 12:26:33 PM
There are 3 types of people in this world: Those that are good at Math and those that are not.


What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wipes his butt.


A man goes into the hospital with 6 plastic horses up his bum.

The doctors described his condition as stable.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 10, 2018, 12:44:24 PM
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench.
A man comes up and exposes himself to them.
Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on October 10, 2018, 01:18:59 PM
A drunk guy walks into a bra  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 10, 2018, 02:01:40 PM
What does oral sex past eighty taste like?
Depends.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 10, 2018, 07:33:21 PM
Why does Melania get on top? Trump can only xxxx up.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 10, 2018, 07:44:58 PM
I was sitting on the toiled late one  night, scrolling through FB on my phone when I saw the time flip over from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM.
I thought:  "Same sh*t, different day."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 10, 2018, 11:40:19 PM
(https://sep.yimg.com/ay/yhst-94387763560218/better-than-sex-card-18.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 13, 2018, 08:48:18 PM
Back in 1950 two French nuns visited the United States and decided to take in a baseball game to get the atmosphere of the sport. No matter how strange the game and all that went on there might prove, the sisters were determined to go with it.

As they settled into the bleachers a vendor walked past calling, "Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here!"

The nuns looked at one another in shock. "Mon dieu!" gasped the first nun. "Americans eat cooked dogs?"

The second nun shrugged and hiding her own horror said, "We promised to try everything and since so many Americans are eating dog, we should have some too."

Summoning her courage, the first sister held out a dime and got two hotdogs handed her way. She passed one to her friend and unwrapped hers, then shut her eyes and shook her head. Gritting her teeth she asked the other nun, "Well I do hope you got a better part of the dog than me!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 15, 2018, 06:37:06 AM
How do you rob an Alabaman's house without getting shot?  Climb in thru a window backwards and the family living there will think you're leaving.

What has 12 toes and flies? A typical alabaman.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 15, 2018, 08:07:56 AM
How do you rob an Alabaman's house without getting shot?  Climb in thru a window backwards and the family living there will think you're leaving.

What has 12 toes and flies? A typical alabaman.

On behalf of my cousins: f**k you.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 15, 2018, 07:39:45 PM
I have standards.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 15, 2018, 08:49:02 PM
Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on October 16, 2018, 04:55:24 AM
Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

The South Africans published a book - me as editor - entitled How Not To p**s Off An Elephant  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 16, 2018, 06:58:04 AM
Four teams of international scientists were offered the chance to compete for a prestigious scholarly award.  The foundation offered $100,000 to whichever team could write the best, most definitive work on the African Elephant.

The German team worked for a year, and published a 1500 page tome, lavishly illustrated with technical drawings, entitled: "A Schematic Study  of the Internal and External Organs and Workings of the African Elephant."

The French team published a beautiful, red-bound coffee table book, illustrated with explicit watercolor paintings, entitle: "The Love Life of the African Elephant."

The American Team published a photographically illustrated, cross-indexed tabloid style book entitled: "101 Ways to Make Money With the African Elephant."

The Arab team published a small black political tract with flowing Arabic script in gold on the cover, entitled:  "The Elephant and the Palestinian Problem."


 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 16, 2018, 07:03:52 AM
Two archeologists we're exploring a newly discovered tomb in Egypt containing several dozen mummies.  One of them hears a loud "PPPRRRRAAAAPPP!" sound that is unmistakably the result of a huge release of flatulence.

A minute later he hears another one.  Annoyed at his colleague's lack of professionality he snaps "will you stop that?! "

The other archeologist says "Me?  I was about to tell you to stop letting rip! "

The first one says "What are you talking about?!  It's just the two of us in here,  so if you didn't fart and I didn't fart who did?! "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 18, 2018, 03:06:19 AM
If attacked by a mob of clowns you should go for the juggler.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 18, 2018, 10:48:34 PM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/44157604_10155490117641805_8686807467692130304_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=51ffa10645bb55e592b0bbf3f708f224&oe=5C5750B5)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 19, 2018, 08:42:18 PM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/44157604_10155490117641805_8686807467692130304_n.jpg?_nc_cat=107&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=51ffa10645bb55e592b0bbf3f708f224&oe=5C5750B5)
Cute! Reminds me of vintage Far Side. If you hadn't said you hate me, my children, family, and most of my friends, I'd give you good karma.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 19, 2018, 11:22:54 PM
What does watching porn on the computer and pressing shift five times in a row have in common? You'll end up with sticky keys. >.>



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 20, 2018, 08:48:23 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were stuck in a box canyon surrounded by fifty Comanche, so the Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Well I guess we have reached the final chapter."

To which Tonto replied, "Do I know you, paleface?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 20, 2018, 03:32:48 PM
I had a bit of trouble today after I accidently rear ended another car this morning.

Turned out the driver was a dwarf. He got out the car and yelled "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I asked him "Oh, which one are you then?"

That was when the fight started.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 20, 2018, 07:55:09 PM
 A particularly loud, offensive, irritating christian woman in my neighborhood who loved to share her rleigious views with everyone possible whether they wanted to hear them or not went on a tirade against "50 shades of grey" and was bellering at everyone around, including in several newspaper letters, how the book was evil and written by the devil himself and nothing but since and demonic  influence. She bragged about getting a copy, starting to read it and being unable to finish so she threw it down a sewer to get rid of it.

I noted it was summer at the time and she slept with a window open. One day I bought a new copy of the book, waiting to around 2AM, snuck oiver to her house and, after raising the bug screen, gently tossed it on her bed with her.


Neighbors heard the scream around 6:30.





Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 20, 2018, 08:33:13 PM
A particularly loud, offensive, irritating christian woman in my neighborhood who loved to share her rleigious views with everyone possible whether they wanted to hear them or not went on a tirade against "50 shades of grey" and was bellering at everyone around, including in several newspaper letters, how the book was evil and written by the devil himself and nothing but since and demonic  influence. She bragged about getting a copy, starting to read it and being unable to finish so she threw it down a sewer to get rid of it.

I noted it was summer at the time and she slept with a window open. One day I bought a new copy of the book, waiting to around 2AM, snuck oiver to her house and, after raising the bug screen, gently tossed it on her bed with her.


Neighbors heard the scream around 6:30.




A little funny, but don't you like any sort of humor but the kind that ends in schadenfreude?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 24, 2018, 05:15:34 PM
https://www.gocomics.com/andycapp/2018/10/03 (https://www.gocomics.com/andycapp/2018/10/03)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 26, 2018, 05:09:32 PM
The other night my wife was feeling a bit frisky and started dancing on the kitchen table.
"What strong legs!" I said.
"You really think so?" she asked.
"Absolutely!" I replied.  "Most tables would have broken by now!"


And then the fight started . . .


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 27, 2018, 09:58:34 AM
dick jokes are really hard to swallow, at least on the internet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 29, 2018, 03:51:39 PM
Someone posted they were baking some synonym buns. I asked if they were like the ones grammer used to make?

Now I am blocked.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 29, 2018, 04:06:16 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/6lbFZx3.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 29, 2018, 06:55:52 PM
(https://pics.onsizzle.com/don-t-mind-me-im-just-stealing-the-meme-above-30620992.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 29, 2018, 08:43:30 PM
You know the difference between a radical feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!


(Saw that on FB and I thought it was awful enough to make this thread!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 30, 2018, 04:32:29 AM
You know the difference between a radical feminist and a hockey player?
A hockey player showers after three periods!


(Saw that on FB and I thought it was awful enough to make this thread!)

Actually its changes pads.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 30, 2018, 04:48:55 AM
Why did a trump supporter get turned down for a job at his local fire department?

He didn't want to work with hose A.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 30, 2018, 06:32:18 AM
OK, that one took me a minute . . .  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 30, 2018, 07:59:12 AM
What do you get when you put fifty lesbians and fifty sociologists in a room?

(A hundred people who don't do dick.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 30, 2018, 08:21:09 AM
It's not exactly a joke but I recently saw a funny multi-panel New Yorker cartoon from 1962. A well-dressed man walked onto a bridge to jump off, and a panhandler came by asking for a handout, so, knowing he would not need them anymore, the man who was to jump took off his hat and coat and gave them to the panhandler, gave him his watch and ring and wallet, then climbed up on the side. The panhandler leaped forward to save him, pulling him back, and the would-be jumper shook his hand in thanks...then asked for all his stuff back.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 01, 2018, 01:56:53 AM
I once went to a Halloween party dressed only in my jeans.

When I was asked what I was supposed to be I told them I was premature ejaculation. I'd just came in my pants.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 01, 2018, 11:15:28 AM
I once went to a Halloween party dressed only in my jeans.

When I was asked what I was supposed to be I told them I was premature ejaculation. I'd just came in my pants.
Must have been hard for them to swallow. :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 01, 2018, 11:46:59 AM

One my English co-worker told me years ago...


An American visiting Belfast walked into an IRA pub and asked for a pint, which the publican drew for him, then being naturally suspicious of outsiders, he whispered to one of his Fenian buddies, "Slip over thar an' arsk 'im the three questions and see if 'tis safe for us to let 'im stay."

Winking with understanding, the Irishman got up and went over to stand by the visiting American. "So, Yank," he opened with question one, "whar ya from?"

"Boston, Massachusetts" the America answered.

Boston sounded safe enough, so the Irishman asked question two. "And are ya Catholic, then?"

The American replied, "As Catholic as the Pope himself."

It was sounding all right so far, so the Irishman worked in the final question. "And might ya do fer a livin' in Bahstun, Massachusetts?"

"I'm a taxidermist," the American told him.

"Er," the Irishman pressed, "what's that then?"

"Someone who mounts animals."

With that the IRA member happily declared, "He's one of us, fellas, he fooks dead animals too!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 09, 2018, 11:59:54 PM
It's a little known fact, but Norway does not put names on their ships. While they do use a standardized number scheme (similar to how the USN does DDG-664, for example) those numbers are not accompanied by a nameplate, but instead by a barcode. This is so, when their ships get into port, Norway can Scandinavian.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on November 10, 2018, 03:06:11 PM
What's the difference between the leader of the thundercats and sarah huckabee snaders?

One is called LionO,  the other  is a lyin' 'ho.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 11, 2018, 12:04:52 AM
This math teacher was arrested for carrying graph paper and a ruler in public.
Police said she was plotting something!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on November 12, 2018, 02:28:24 AM
Rosie was married to Mannie,  a bearable man with one bad habit: Every morning just before he woke from a sound sleep,  he would fart,  very loudly,  very long and very hard. It was so bad Rosie woke before her husband just to escape his morning intestinal assault.

She kept nagging him to take something for his horrible gas problem,  but he declined,  citing it as "healthy".

"One of these days, Mannie,  you're going to fart  your guts clear out of you! " she warned him over and over.

Finally while at the store one day she saw some old chicken livers that we're going to be thrown out and asked if she could have them.  Taking the raw livers home she snuck them into her bedroom and when she woke up,  dumped them behind her husband's bare behind before fleeing the room.

Moments later she heard her husband's daily explosive gas release,  followed a moment later by a scream of horror.

Satisfied she went about making coffee and after some half hour her husband walked in, a big smile pasted on his face.

"You were right,  Rosie.  This morning I farted my guts right out!"

He then held up his right hand and added "But by god's  grace and these fingers here,  I got 'em all back in! "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 13, 2018, 07:21:54 PM
Do Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin?
Do Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan?
Does everyone else fail trigonometry just cos?
If so, then that's mathed up.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on November 13, 2018, 07:59:08 PM
Do Catholics fail trigonometry because they're afraid of sin?
Do Irish people fail trigonometry because they can't tan?
Does everyone else fail trigonometry just cos?
If so, then that's mathed up.

Clever girl!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 14, 2018, 07:54:06 PM
(https://i.imgur.com/m07g0r2.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 16, 2018, 03:12:58 PM
Glass coffins, will they be popular? Remains to be seen.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 16, 2018, 05:57:37 PM
Paddy is visiting a nudist beach and decides to get a sun tan, so he lies down and to stop his man parts getting sun burnt puts his hat over them.

A passing woman says to him "If you were a gentleman you'd lift that hat when a lady passes."

To which Paddy replies "If you weren't so feckin' ugly, you'd have lifted it yourself!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:21:29 AM
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:22:23 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:22:56 AM
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:24:04 AM
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:25:21 AM
A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 18, 2018, 11:25:48 AM
Bob: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Joe: "To get to the idiot's house."
Bob: "Knock knock."
Joe: "Who's there?"
Bob: "The chicken."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on November 23, 2018, 04:09:31 PM
(https://66.media.tumblr.com/49764de27b768c246d3130f391175229/tumblr_ph5h3alpAr1xpvizao1_1280.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: FatFreddysCat on November 23, 2018, 05:30:37 PM
Q: Hey, did you hear about the guy who likes to dip his balls in glitter?
A: Yeah, he's Pretty Nuts.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 23, 2018, 05:34:13 PM
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 23, 2018, 05:35:10 PM
I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 23, 2018, 05:36:23 PM
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 23, 2018, 05:37:36 PM
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 23, 2018, 05:42:24 PM
I got a compliment on my driving today said a blonde to her friend. There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on November 26, 2018, 12:27:55 AM
Why did the trump supporter open his mouth and spray azure colored paint into it?

He wanted to try Bluetooth technology.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 26, 2018, 12:28:19 PM
A reporter was doing an article on this fisherman with one arm. So he goes and does the interview with him, seeing how he fishes. The reporter asked if  he feels that he's ridiculed by others, but he says no. The reporter asked if he has caught any interesting fish.
"As a matter of fact I did!" said the fisherman gleefully. "I caught one this big!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 01, 2018, 04:55:39 PM
What were Abe Lincoln's last words?

He didn't have any, his wife was with him until the end.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 02, 2018, 06:15:00 AM
"Other than that,  Mrs.  Lincoln,  would you say it was a good play? "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 02, 2018, 11:18:20 PM
My sister keeps asking for help with certain tasks, but I always refuse, because I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 03, 2018, 06:59:15 PM
Why are hardcore far right people like raisins?

Both are often in bread.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on December 04, 2018, 02:44:05 AM
My sister keeps asking for help with certain tasks, but I always refuse, because I can't be a brother and assist her at the same time.

*Groan*  :buggedout: +  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 13, 2018, 05:46:50 PM
"Have you ever heard of Murphy's Law?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, then it will."

"Have you ever heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is that?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 13, 2018, 08:17:05 PM
A guy was being arrested for vwehicular homicide and yelling at police "What are you arresting me for? That damn libtard jsut stepped right out in front of me! I couldn't stop in time!"

A policeman said "Well, for starters it is his back yard."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on December 13, 2018, 10:26:16 PM
Mmm. 

Why don't tampons talk...?  Because they're stuck up...   :buggedout: :bluesad: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 14, 2018, 01:15:47 AM
Mmm. 

Why don't tampons talk...?  Because they're stuck up...   :buggedout: :bluesad: :bouncegiggle:
That joke it terrible. Period.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 14, 2018, 01:24:44 AM
Little Willy with his gun,
shot his grandmother just for fun.
Mother frowned at her merry lad.
It was the last shell father had.

Little Willy hung his sister.
She was dead before we missed her.
Little willy's just full of tricks.
Ain't he cute? And he's only six!

Willy,  bored with stealing cars,
swiped a rocket and flew to Mars.
There he pursued his normal pattern.
Which is why the Martians now live on Saturn.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 01:53:06 AM
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons. “My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.” “That’s very nice about your Freddie”, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning as soon as I wake up he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper, he truly treats me like a queen.” “WELL!” Says Barbara “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry, twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? Asks Barbara with a big excited double chin smile, “I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:02:23 AM
A curious child asked his mother: “Mommy, why are some of your hairs turning grey?”

The mother tried to use this occasion to teach her child: “It is because of you, dear. Every bad action of yours will turn one of my hairs grey!”

The child replied innocently: “Now I know why grandmother has only grey hairs on her head.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:03:40 AM
A police officer found a perfect hiding place for watching for speeding motorists.

One day, the officer was amazed when everyone was under the speed limit, so he investigated and found the problem.

A 10 years old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said “Radar Trap Ahead.”

A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy’s accomplice: another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket at his feet full of change.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:06:10 AM
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:10:57 AM
A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
 “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear mommy say,” the woman answered.
 The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:11:29 AM
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
 “Wrong number,” replied the girl


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 14, 2018, 06:17:02 AM
“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 14, 2018, 07:47:30 AM
Paddy jokes,  eh? OK...


There was a young Irishman named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave.
When he was told
she'd be too cold
said "Think o' the money I save!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 14, 2018, 11:49:38 AM
“My teenage daughter came home in a rage.

‘I’ve just done sex education in school today, Dad! You lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!’

I put down my paper: ‘Oh, he will, sweetheart, he will.’ ”


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gonna file that away.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 14, 2018, 02:22:08 PM
Two women were in a long checkout line after Christmas shopping, one well-dressed, the other more humbly clad, and they struck up a conversation to pass the time. Soon they were on the subject of their sons, and the rich woman gushed:

"My son is a heart surgeon who lives in a mansion with a private beach. He drives an Italian sports car and takes trips on his private jet. He hasn't yet found the girl lucky enough to be his wife, but when he does such beautiful grandchildren my gorgeous son will give me."

Having enough of the boasting, the second woman said, "I don't guess I'll ever have grandchildren, since my son is gay."

"Oh, what a shame!" the first woman said, sounding amused.

"It's not so bad," the second woman said. "In fact he wrote me that he's living with some heart surgeon in a mansion with a private beach, and the doctor lets him drive his Italian cars around town. Last week they flew on a private jet to the French Riviera. But he said the doctor keeps all this secret from his mother, who still thinks he's going to give her grandkids with some nice girl...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 15, 2018, 11:00:48 AM
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 16, 2018, 11:53:45 PM
In a rather bizarre twist to the Titanic, there is only ONE thing that still works: The pool  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 19, 2018, 10:01:52 AM
Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Oh, that joke is so bad I am only going to give it three stars.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on December 19, 2018, 10:46:39 PM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/48355477_224567311771324_6550376282373226496_n.jpg?_nc_cat=100&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=2dfb0cf0bf2ce21ba289eb7c86636b0b&oe=5CA68CDE)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 24, 2019, 03:49:48 AM
A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "Uno, dos..." and then *poof* … he disappeared without a tres!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 24, 2019, 08:09:41 AM
The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.

It was tense.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 24, 2019, 08:11:10 AM
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 24, 2019, 09:56:54 AM
In germany what we call the "alt right" is what they call "Why grandpa had to move to Argentina."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 27, 2019, 10:16:49 AM
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Everytime she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 27, 2019, 10:17:14 AM
 What gets longer when pulled, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?

A seatbelt.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 27, 2019, 10:19:51 AM
What do you call it when Batman skips church?

Christian Bale.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 27, 2019, 10:22:46 AM
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 27, 2019, 02:17:53 PM
How can you  tell when an alien is really tired?

He has dark crop circles under his eyes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 29, 2019, 05:41:18 PM
Donald trump stands in front of a cowd of his followers in Alabama and says "My administration in just 2 years has 37 indictments and 4 convictions. That's 37 more indictments and 4 more convictions than that loser, sad Obama, had in his entire 8 year adminstration! "

The audience cheered wildly.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 29, 2019, 06:22:02 PM
Why can't little Timmy play baseball?
Because he has no arms or legs.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?

Not little Timmy!!

(This one is strangely popular with my junior high kids of late)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 29, 2019, 10:14:13 PM
Why can't little Timmy play baseball?
Because he has no arms or legs.

Knock Knock!
Who's there?

Not little Timmy!!

(This one is strangely popular with my junior high kids of late)

They'v found a copy of "the official book of sick jokes."

Yes, I had it.

https://www.amazon.com/Official-Book-Sick-Jokes/dp/0523405685 (https://www.amazon.com/Official-Book-Sick-Jokes/dp/0523405685)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 29, 2019, 11:10:13 PM
Here is another one they like:

"Why did little Bobby drop his ice cream cone?"

"Because he got hit by a truck!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 30, 2019, 01:16:36 AM
Here is another one they like:

"Why did little Bobby drop his ice cream cone?"

"Because he got hit by a truck!"

Sounds like the official book of sick jokes is in print again....

Have they started on Little Willies yet?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 30, 2019, 07:58:48 AM
My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 30, 2019, 08:01:49 AM
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 30, 2019, 08:02:25 AM
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 30, 2019, 08:51:32 AM
I worked in a can crushing industry. It was soda pressing


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on January 30, 2019, 01:51:53 PM
I had a job installing computers in Unitarian churches, but there was no profit in it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 31, 2019, 06:15:33 AM
The restaurant on the Moon: great food but no atmosphere  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 31, 2019, 07:11:22 AM
I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 31, 2019, 07:12:24 AM
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 04, 2019, 02:08:37 AM
What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 04, 2019, 02:09:40 AM
Can you name some advantages of living in Switzerland?

Well the flag is a big plus.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 04, 2019, 02:13:13 AM
You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart.

Damon Knight did this in his story "Eripmav".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 05, 2019, 09:23:23 PM
Masochist to sadist: "HURT ME!"
Sadist to masochist: "NO!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 06, 2019, 12:54:32 AM
What if slugs are just snails who have been thru a divorce?
"Yeah, I kept the golf clubs but she got the house!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 09, 2019, 05:41:36 PM
Q: What is the hardest shape to get out of?
A: Tell me.
Q: The trap-azoid.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Bushma on February 09, 2019, 05:56:33 PM
I was at Starbucks today and there was a cute girl in her mid 20s ahead of me in line. I started a conversation and said "Most people have given up on their new years resolutions by this point. What's your resolution?" She looked at me and said "f**k You".  I hope she hasn't given up yet, because I'm willing to help.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 09, 2019, 09:19:12 PM
So if a dairy cow fails to produce, is she a milk dud or an udder failure?  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 10, 2019, 04:17:11 AM
Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 10, 2019, 04:17:45 AM
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in..


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 10, 2019, 04:32:44 AM
Confuscious say man who stand on toilet high  on pot.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 10, 2019, 10:17:13 AM
A recent study shows that the application for clowns are down; many of the people who are qualified are becoming politics.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 13, 2019, 06:28:04 PM
The USPS mail tracking system.

Thread won.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 14, 2019, 12:13:53 AM
Guy a: Here's a joke; p***y
Guy b: I don't get it.
Guy a: I know you don't get it


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 14, 2019, 12:18:22 AM
Donald trump declared if he were impeached the earth would stop turning.

This threw his supporters into a state of mass confusion as they had always believed the earth was flat.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 14, 2019, 07:20:59 AM
Want to hear a joke about a ghost?



That's the spirit!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 14, 2019, 07:58:30 AM
What is brown and sounds like a bell?

*DUNG*   :buggedout: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 16, 2019, 02:08:07 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/52590440_2338308523108298_7994777267236503552_n.jpg?_nc_cat=104&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=ca05114ad2afdd9eecaafcfb519dfab7&oe=5CF4EFCE)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 16, 2019, 02:09:25 AM
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will get this.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on February 16, 2019, 09:53:01 PM
I once had a relationship with a blind woman. I admit it was challenging. Took me forever to get her husband's voice just right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 16, 2019, 11:11:21 PM
Why are men like snowstorms to women?

You never know when he's coming,  how long he'll last or how many inches you'll get.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on February 28, 2019, 06:50:57 PM
Why is Donald trump now like john McCain?

They've both been shot down in hanoi.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on February 28, 2019, 06:56:45 PM
A recent study shows that the application for clowns are down; many of the people who are qualified are becoming politics.
Oh, come on! It takes intelligence to be a clown.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 01, 2019, 09:45:29 AM
If you have a Tesla car and it gets stolen does it then become an Edison?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 12, 2019, 10:01:50 AM
Western European: "Western Europe ees whare good Americans go when zey die! "

American: "What about bad Americans? "

Western European : "Zey stay een America. "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 12, 2019, 12:20:25 PM
I was recently delighted when I got a kind letter from the inland revenue telling me my taxes were outstanding.

Particularly since I don't remember ever paying them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 12, 2019, 08:15:47 PM
A photon checks into a hotel. The clerk asks him if he needs help with his luggage.

The photon says "No,  i'm traveling light. "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 12, 2019, 09:24:17 PM
When anyone says "You're not a real woman?" what does CAITLYN JENNER say? 

 . . .


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 14, 2019, 02:12:03 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/fr/cp0/e15/q65/54255205_2631784600171240_7189536964423450624_n.jpg?_nc_cat=105&efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=d1a04ac41ed0e1632ebbf8368b8cd80c&oe=5D06A98B)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 18, 2019, 06:51:10 PM
Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton walk in to a bar.
 Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says,
 “The media is really tearing you apart for that Scandal.”
 Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my Activities?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “Being the mastermind of the so-called Arab Spring that only brought chaos, death and destruction to the Middle East and North Africa?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “Leaving four Americans to die in Benghazi?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “The funding and arming of terrorists in Syria, the destruction and destabilization of that nation, giving the order to our lapdogs in Turkey and Saudi Arabia to give sarin gas to the “moderate” terrorists in Syria that they eventually used on civilians, and framed Assad, and had it not been for the Russians and Putin, we would have used that as a pretext to invade Syria, put a puppet in power, steal their natural resources, and leave that country in total chaos, just like we did with Libya?
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “The creation of the biggest refugees crisis since WWII?”
 Trump: “No the other one:”
 Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 months later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean the INSIDER TRADING of the Tyson chicken deal I did where I invested $1,000 and the next year I got $100,000?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean when Bill met with Attorney General, Loretta Lynch, just before my hearing with the FBI to cut a deal?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean the one where my IT guy at Platte River Networks asked Reddit for help to alter emails?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “You mean where the former Haitian Senate President accused me and my foundation of asking him for bribes?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean that old video of me laughing as I explain how I got the charges against that child rapist dropped by blaming the young girl for liking older men and fantasising about them. Even though I knew the guy was guilty?
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean that video of me coughing up a giant green lunger into my drinking glass then drinking it back down?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean that video of me passing out on the curb and losing my shoe?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean when I robbed Bernie Sanders of the Democratic Party Nomination by having the DNC rig the nomination process so that I would win?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “You mean how so many people that oppose me have died in mysterious ways?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “Travel Gate? When seven employees of the White House Travel Office were fired so that friends of Bill and mine could take over the travel business? And when I lied under oath during the investigation by the FBI, the Department of Justice, the White House itself, the General Accounting Office, the House Government Reform and Oversight Committee, and the Whitewater Independent Counsel?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “The scandal where (while I was Secretary of State) the State Department signed off on a deal to sell 20% of the USA’s uranium to a Canadian corporation that the Russians bought, netting a $145 million donation from Russia to the Clinton Foundation and a $500,000 speaking gig for Bill from the Russian Investment Bank that set up the corporate buyout? That scandal?”
 Trump: “No, the other one.”
 Hillary: “That time I lied when I said I was under sniper fire when I got off the plane in Bosnia?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “That time when after I became the First Lady, I improperly requested a bunch of FBI files so I could look for blackmail material on government insiders?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “That time when Bill nominated Zoe Baird as Attorney General, even though we knew she hired illegal immigrants and didn’t pay payroll taxes on them?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “When I got Nigeria exempted from foreign aid transparency guidelines despite evidence of corruption because they gave Bill $700,000 in speaking fees?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “That time in 2009 when Honduran military forces allied with rightist lawmakers ousted democratically elected President Manuel Zelaya, and I as then-Secretary of State sided with the armed forces and fought global pressure to reinstate him?”
 Trump: “No, the other one:”
 Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture and silverware when Bill left Office?”
 Trump: “THAT’S IT, THAT ONE”
 Hillary: “I thought I’d got away with that one, dammit !!!”.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 22, 2019, 01:48:47 PM
What did Jeffry Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit after she cut off her hubby's dick?

"You gonna eat that?" 

:bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 22, 2019, 01:52:52 PM
What did the cannibal say to his son hen he caught him eating a salad?
"If your mother could see you now, she'd be rolling in her gravy!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 22, 2019, 01:57:54 PM
Wifey- "When you gonna fix that leaky roof?"
Hubby-" Well, when it's raining I can't, and when the sun's shining, it don't leak!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 22, 2019, 02:02:06 PM
If I told people their brain is an app would they start using it?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 22, 2019, 02:06:54 PM
If I told people their brain is an app would they start using it?

I think it would sit unused in the corner of their skulls.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 23, 2019, 03:16:56 AM
Homophobic parents are right to worry about their kids learning about LGBT relationships and it possibly turning them gay.

After studying history I once spent two years as a Tudor wench.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 23, 2019, 06:39:37 AM
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "How much for a shot of whiskey? "

The bartender says "For you,  no charge. "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 27, 2019, 07:23:44 PM

Jokes about vaccinations are like unvaccinated kids.  They'll never get old.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 27, 2019, 07:42:54 PM
A drunk is sitting at the bar and he says to the bartender-

Drunk: "I'll bet you $50 If you set up 10 shot glasses, I can p**s in them all without getting a drop on the bar!"
Barkeep:" Bulls**t! I'll take that bet!"

So the barkeep sets them up. The drunk stands on the bar, whips out his dick, and p**ses all over the f**king place!

Barkeep (laughing his ass off): "HA!HA heehoo! HA! Gimme my $50!"
Drunk: "Sure-wait until I collect from that guy at the end of the bar who I bet $200 I could p**s all over the bar and make you laugh!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 27, 2019, 07:54:28 PM
Homophobic parents are right to worry about their kids learning about LGBT relationships and it possibly turning them gay.

After studying history I once spent two years as a Tudor wench.

After reading Hugo in English class I turned into a hunchback!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on March 28, 2019, 07:21:32 AM
Vaccinations don't cause autism,  vaccinations cause adults. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on April 12, 2019, 12:51:32 AM
"Give it to me right now", she yelled."I am so f**king wet right now."

She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on April 20, 2019, 06:10:35 AM
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on April 20, 2019, 06:39:20 AM
No one has to die for a Friday to be a good Friday for atheists.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on April 24, 2019, 01:26:20 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/jpYOLLZ.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on April 24, 2019, 01:27:04 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/hmFXkeA.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on April 26, 2019, 07:30:02 PM
Why does Donald always keep the umbrella to himself when it rains?

It's the only  way he can get Melanie wet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 26, 2019, 08:51:55 PM
How many morons does it take to change a light bulb?
3!
1 to hold the bulb and 2 to turn the ladder!

Tiana- "Why don't you fix that leaky roof?"
Me- "Well, when it's raining I can't, and when the sun's shining, It don't leak!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on May 25, 2019, 10:38:38 AM


Knock! Knock!

Who’s there?

Candice.

Candice who?

Candice door open, or am I stuck out here?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on May 25, 2019, 10:39:49 AM
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper. They’re always plotting something.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on May 25, 2019, 10:40:14 AM
Q: What is the hardest shape to get out of?
A: Tell me.
Q: The trap-azoid.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on May 25, 2019, 10:41:13 AM
What do you call an alligator detective? An investi-gator.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 28, 2019, 07:14:39 PM
Have you heard about the film Constipation? No? I'm not surprised, it hasn't come out yet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on May 31, 2019, 01:00:27 AM
Still reposting my old jokes I see.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on May 31, 2019, 02:06:24 AM
What do you call a guy who's insanely obsessed with large black birds?

A raven maniac.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 04, 2019, 01:37:46 PM

What is the difference between Donald Trump and a Flying Pig????

 The ”F”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on June 04, 2019, 02:53:33 PM
A 40k joke.

Iron warrior standing outside armored door of enemy fortification: "Knock knock. "

Enemy inside fortification.  "Whose there? "

Iron warrior: "Just wanted"

Enemy: "Just wanted who? "

Iron warrior: "Just wanted to make sure someone was standing on the other side of this door. " Iron warrior then sets off breaching charge.

Trust me if you're  into 40k this is funny. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 07, 2019, 05:09:42 AM
How many kids with ADHD does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go play on our bikes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 07, 2019, 05:13:09 AM
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
 
Attire!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 07, 2019, 05:14:10 AM
A communist joke isn’t funny…
 … unless everyone gets it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on June 07, 2019, 07:25:01 AM
A capitalist posted this on face book.



This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity
generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water
utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see
what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and
Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like,
using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics
and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of
Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept
accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the
U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety
Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built
by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly
stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the
Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the
U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to
the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the
Occupational Safety and Health Administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables, thanks to the local police department.

And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense
Advanced Research Projects Administration -- and post on Freerepublic.com and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 09, 2019, 05:56:23 AM
Knock, knock.

Who is there?

Aww.

Aww who?

Werewolves of London.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on June 10, 2019, 11:46:33 AM
 I just survived an attack by a 600lb Grizzly  bear with nothing more  than a good solid tree branch.

The guy whose kneecap I broke with the branch  wasn't so lucky...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 21, 2019, 07:18:27 AM
I heard a good tip for gardening today. Apparently in order to get some really nice flower beds going, one should sacrifice a couple of hamsters to Satan.

Once you've done this you should have a fine crop of flowers. After all, as the song says can always get tulips from 'Amster's damned.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on June 21, 2019, 09:00:06 AM
what's red and invisible?

no tomatoes


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on June 21, 2019, 10:05:25 AM
Donald trump And barrack obama were  at the barbers as the same time.

As the barber finished with trump he asked him if he wanted aftershave.  Trump says "I better not,  my wife Melania might smell it and think i'd been in a whorehouse. "

The barber asked Obama if he wanted after shave and he said "Sure,  my wife,  Michelle, has never been in a whorehouse and has no idea what one might smell like. "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 25, 2019, 03:37:08 AM
They've hired an Australian to look after our IT department.

I asked him if he came from a LAN down under.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on June 27, 2019, 09:28:38 PM
What's the difference between batman and Winona Ryder?

Batman can go into a store without robin.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 13, 2019, 08:21:14 AM
Quote
TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you s**tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 13, 2019, 01:38:57 PM
Why is an Alabama divorce like a method lab explosion?

Either way some guy is losing his trailer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 18, 2019, 03:14:30 AM
A college professor told his class "Fame will only come to you after you succeed! "

A 20 year  old blonde girl asked "Who is Seed? "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:04:56 AM
What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

What’s better than Ted Danson?
 Ted singing and Danson!

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
 Anna one, Anna two!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
 I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!

What does a nosey pepper do?
 It gets jalapeńo business!


Read more: 100 of the funniest ever jokes and best one-liners

What does a baby computer call his father?
 Data!

What do you call a bear without any teeth?
 A gummy bear!

Why did the golfer change his pants?
 Because he got a hole in one!

Does anyone need an ark?
 I Noah guy!

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

I bought a ceiling fan the other day.
 Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:05:30 AM
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
 Frostbite.

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
 Because she kept running from the ball!

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?
“GRRRAAAIIINNNNS!”

What’s at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
 A nervous wreck!

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
 Attire!

How many ears does Spock have?
 Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

Why don’t they play poker in the jungle?
 Too many cheetahs!

How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
 He felt his presents!

What time did the man go to the dentist?
 Tooth hurt-y!

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
 Nobody knows!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:06:11 AM
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
 A can’t opener!

How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
 Tentacles!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones!



Read more: 10 best books of 2018

How does Moses make his tea?
 Hebrews it!

Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper?
 Never mind… it’s tearable.

I just watched a documentary about beavers.
 It was the best dam show I ever saw!

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
“Supplies!”

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
 A trumpet.

Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
 Because it’s pointless!

Why did the scarecrow win an award?
 He was outstanding in his field.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:06:37 AM
What did the buffalo say when his son left?
 Bison!

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
 That’s just how I roll.

A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
 The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”

What do you call a fish with no eye?
 Fsh!

When is your door not actually a door?
 When it’s actually ajar.

I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie.
 Man, they really grilled me.

A communist joke isn’t funny…
 … unless everyone gets it.

Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
 Because the pee is silent!

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
 Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

What do you call a man who can’t stand?
 Neil.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:07:08 AM
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

I’m thinking about removing my spine.
 I feel like it’s only holding me back.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
 They each got six months.

I’m terrified of elevators…
 … so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.

I used to hate facial hair…
 … but then it grew on me.

Three fish are in a tank.
 One asks the others, “How do you drive this thing?”

Why don’t crabs donate?
 Because they’re shellfish.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
 I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Don’t worry if you miss a gym session.
 Everything will work out.

Ever tried to eat a clock?
 It’s time-consuming.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:07:54 AM
Why did Adele cross the road?
 To say hello from the other side.

Did you hear about the circus fire?
 It was in tents!

What’s red and bad for your teeth?
 A brick!

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
 No eyed deer!

What did the horse say after it tripped?
“Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
 Fo’ Drizzle.

What goes down but doesn’t come up?
 A yo.

What did the pirate get on his report card?
 Seven Cs!

What’s Forrest Gump’s password?
 1forrest1

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
 Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:08:59 AM
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
 Aye Matey.

What’s E.T. short for?
 Because he’s got little legs.

How many bugs do you need to rent out an apartment?
 Tenants.

Why are colds such bad robbers?
 Because they’re so easy to catch.

Why are cats bad storytellers?
 Because they only have one tale.

How do you organize a space-themed party?
 You planet.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?
 A satisfactory!

I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
 I don’t know why!

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
 He couldn’t see himself doing it.

How do you make a tissue dance?
 You put a little boogie in it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:09:31 AM
What’s the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wales?
 One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
 The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent!

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
 The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
 Nacho Cheese.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
 One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?
 Nothing, they just waved!

What do you get from a pampered cow?
 Spoiled milk!

Why is 6 scared of 7?
 Because 7 ate 9 and 10!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
 A stick!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:09:54 AM
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
 In case he gets a hole in one!

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
 It hasn’t been made up yet.

What do you call a fly without wings?
 A walk.

Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
 He pasta way.

Why did the coffee file a police report?
 It got mugged.

What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
 He let out a little wine.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
 Great food, no atmosphere.

How does a penguin build it’s house?
 Igloos it together.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
 An irrelephant!

What do you call a fat psychic?
 A four-chin teller.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:10:31 AM
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
 Follow the fresh prints.

The rotation of earth really makes my day.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
 It’s fine, he woke up.

What did the clock do when it was hungry?
 It went back four seconds.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
 It was sole destroying.

I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, Ł1, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What did the left butt cheek say to the right butt cheek?
 You crack me up!

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase?
A branch manager!

What did Mario say when he broke up with Princess Peach?
 It’s not you, it’s a-me, Mario!

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?
Don’t wok away from me!

When does a joke become a dad joke?
 When it becomes apparent!

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything!

Why didn’t the astronaut come home to his wife?
 He needed his space!

Why do cow-milking stools only have three legs?
‘Cause the cow’s got the udder!

What did the caretaker say when they jumped out of the store cupboard?
“Supplies!”

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?
It’s making headlines.


All from 110 of the worlds worst dad jokes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 04:16:42 AM
Some jokes about Scotland by Scots (mostly). You may have to know what a real Scottish accent sounds like to understand some of them.

Quote
(Warning: adult humour ahead)

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter” – Billy Connolly


“Glasgow is a very negative place. If Kanye was born in Glasgow he would have been called No You Cannae” – Frankie Boyle


Man walks into a Glasgow pub and asks for a pint of lager with a dash of lime.

“We don’t do cocktails,” replies the barman.”

“What did the Scottish guy do with the trumpet buried in his garden? He rooted it oot.” – Sanjeev Kohli

Man lost in Edinburgh says to a policeman, “Excuse me is there a B&Q in Leith?”

Policeman replies, “No sir, but there are two Ds and two Es in Dundee.”

“In Scotland, we call a dog a dug. We take that O and make it a U. It’s a slang term, but it’s also a social implication in that you get dogs, then you get dugs. You get ‘aww, look at that wee dog”, then you get ‘watch that f***ing dug!'” – Kevin Bridges

“Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!” – Frankie Boyle

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.

“Comfy?” asks the dentist.

“Govan,” she replies.

“Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace” – Billy Connolly

“When serving an older Scottish man a tiny thimbleful of soup in a cafe, always double check that he said ‘just a soupçon’ & not ‘just a soup, son'” – Sanjeev Kohli

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“There will be a lot of people watching who will wonder what does a true Scotsman wear under his kilt, and I can tell you a true Scotsman will never tell you what he wears under his kilt. He will show you at the drop of a hat” – Fred MacCaulay

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

One says, ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud!”, and the other says, ‘Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!’ – Reddit

“I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home” – Billy Connolly

The Queen hosts a garden party in Scotland. When the Scottish waiter arrives with a tray of cakes, she asks, “Is that a scone, or a meringue?”

The waiter replies: “Naw, yer quite right, that’s a scone.”

“In Glasgow, ‘how’ means ‘why’? You do not ponder why. You demand HOW?” – Kevin Bridges

“We had the Commonwealth Games in Glasgow. A great choice of venue: a place where people think Hepatitis B is a vitamin” – Frankie Boyle

“Is it really folk dancing?” “Ach yes, folk dancing and enjoying themselves!” – Stanley Baxter

He decided to call his Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

“I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. ‘Is it Scotch?’, I asked. ‘Why?’ the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?’. ‘In that case, have you got any wild duck?’. ‘No’, he responded, ‘but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you'” – Chic Murray

Why do pipers walk while they play?

To get away from the noise.

“Three of us went to a fancy dress party in Glasgow last night dressed as a giant sandwich. We managed to make it home in one piece” – Sanjeev Kohli

[On reasons to drink Irn Bru} “Water: it tastes of f*** all” – Limmy

“In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.” – Frankie Boyle

“We invented the phone so we’re entitled to use the phone box however we see fit. If you invent something, you can p**s on it” – Kevin Bridges

[On Scottish independence] “David Beckham sent the people of Scotland an open letter. An open letter – because he couldn’t work out how to get it into an envelope” – Frankie Boyle

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

“No,” argues the assistant, “look at the label – it says Taiwan.”

They French cannae count – you ask for twa rolls and they give ye three.”

“The Scots invented hypnosis, chloroform and the hypodermic syringe. Wouldn’t it just be easier to talk to a woman?” – Stephen Brown

“Edinburgh and Glasgow, same country, two very different cities. When a gun goes off in Edinburgh, it’s one o’clock” – Kevin Bridges

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

“Las Vegas and Glasgow have a lot in common. they’re the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips.” – Frankie Boyle


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 18, 2019, 11:18:26 AM
What do you call a Dothraki riding a squid?

Khal Amari.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on July 18, 2019, 11:29:33 AM
Gee and I thought I'd clicked on the joke thread... not DarkAlex's really long post... 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on July 21, 2019, 09:48:01 AM
What's the difference between a hippo and a BIC?

One is a very heavy animal, the other is a little lighter.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 23, 2019, 12:18:33 AM
This could have gone in picture of the day but instead goes here.

(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67099383_462170857955815_6183341382418038784_n.jpg?_nc_cat=103&_nc_oc=AQmtzW1IRLNg3FAMt6lj-IgJYyfeluSE12hxDtHO22GfyoLKAWfhqmxQpsAV82UvP64&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=7228a87662ae363db87b9c7e0faad3f3&oe=5DA14350)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on July 24, 2019, 11:21:00 AM
What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on July 28, 2019, 06:36:39 PM
I don't trust atoms. They make up everything.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 28, 2019, 06:48:28 PM
Ion: I think i lost an electron.
Atom: Are you sure?
Ion: I'm positive!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on July 29, 2019, 03:30:00 AM
(https://scontent-ort2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/67520582_2379627888771796_8114023400667611136_n.jpg?_nc_cat=109&_nc_eui2=AeGsAF08zNslcZORhe922sl-5fYrjMKhCrOpy13oXM1HF5dG5FpFbaO3lTiC0mtkuZ-1wjy5dlYH-ar1OTZE9w7g7Wpg-r-VdCvAygVifDWCaw&_nc_oc=AQm3kKLtrXrrpqtuqJ61uFc2-5iKZHEhNLfeMpC7hEzW_c6CoVM74_oCCQjPnVY1eSQ&_nc_ht=scontent-ort2-1.xx&oh=bba58ff62f11e8afc36ee117860624cf&oe=5DE4EA60)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 01, 2019, 07:50:34 AM
How do you get to Heaven?
Turn right and go straight.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 01, 2019, 07:51:08 AM
Cheetah little and soon you're a lion big.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 01, 2019, 07:51:58 AM
Why was Julia Child cruel?
Because she whipped eggs and beat cream.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 02, 2019, 04:44:02 PM
When I came-to in the delivery room after my first child was born the doctor shoved a Red Bull in my hand and told me congratulations.

"So what is it?" I asked.

"A girl," he said.

"Great!' I exclaimed. "She healthy?"

"Perfectly healthy," the doctor told me.

"Great!" I told him, gulping the Red Bull. "So is she white?"

"Uh, yes...."

"Great! Give me my phone so I can tell that damn plumber he's off the hook!"




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 02, 2019, 07:28:28 PM
Mop 'n glo, the official floorwax of the fukishima cleanup team.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 03, 2019, 09:03:35 AM
Donald trump just took action to prove he can reduce crime in a predominately black city.

He left washington DC for the weekend.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 03, 2019, 11:49:29 PM
Why can't the physicists and biologist get along? There's no chemistry


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 04, 2019, 05:35:14 PM
Back in the day there was a game show called Guess What It Is? Contestants were blindfolded and allowed to feel an object set in front of them, and given one minute to ask questions and figure out what the unseen mystery object was.

An old lady from Maine was on the show one night and after she was blindfolded a giant morel mushroom was set in front of her. She reached down and touched it, then asked, "Is this object something you can eat?"

The host indicated it was, and the old lady declared, "It's a moose's dick!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 04, 2019, 07:22:55 PM
In Greek mythology, Chiron was a half human,  half horse doctor.

This made him the first centaur for disease control.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 05, 2019, 10:37:53 AM
In Greek mythology, Chiron was a half human,  half horse doctor.

This made him the first centaur for disease control.
That one's actually not bad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 05, 2019, 10:52:39 PM
I just read a joke about Oedipus and Midas. It was motherf**king gold!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 10, 2019, 01:52:52 PM
A slice of apple pie if $3.00 in Jamaica and $5.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 10, 2019, 02:58:26 PM
I tried to read "flatland", a book about a 2 dimensional universe.

I just couldn't get into it.

I read a book about the fukishima nuclear disaster.

Man was it hot!

I read a book about black holes by Stephen hawking.

It really pulled me  in.

I read a novelization of the the blob.

It was very absorbing.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 10, 2019, 03:23:02 PM
A swastika was painted on Donald trump's walk of fame star today.

Police don't know whether to look for one of his enemies or one of his supporters.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 10, 2019, 05:34:09 PM
Why do riot police like to get work early?
To beat the crowd

A person finally wrote a book on clock fetishes.
It's about f**king time

A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 11, 2019, 09:54:56 PM
Q: What we're Jeffrey Epstein's last words?

A:" What do you mean "Trump sent you" and why do you have  Russian accents? "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 14, 2019, 09:36:14 AM
A man walks up to a food truck. The menu says "hot dogs $3, cheeseburgers $5, hand jobs $10."

A beautiful blonde comes to the window to take his order. He asks, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She seductively nods her head "yes."

He hands her a ten dollar bill and says, "OK. Go wash your hands real good. I'd like a couple of cheeseburgers."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 14, 2019, 10:39:43 AM
A man walks up to a food truck. The menu says "hot dogs $3, cheeseburgers $5, hand jobs $10."

A beautiful blonde comes to the window to take his order. He asks, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She seductively nods her head "yes."

He hands her a ten dollar bill and says, "OK. Go wash your hands real good. I'd like a couple of cheeseburgers."



Ha-larious! (That's like hilarious but better.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on August 14, 2019, 10:52:54 AM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 14, 2019, 12:51:37 PM
A man walks up to a food truck. The menu says "hot dogs $3, cheeseburgers $5, hand jobs $10."

A beautiful blonde comes to the window to take his order. He asks, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She seductively nods her head "yes."

He hands her a ten dollar bill and says, "OK. Go wash your hands real good. I'd like a couple of cheeseburgers."




Good joke there.

in fact it's so good....


(http://www.clipartsuggest.com/images/332/concept-of-a-man-stealing-another-man-s-idea-royalty-free-stock-images-En9Rhy-clipart.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 14, 2019, 03:27:54 PM
A man walks up to a food truck. The menu says "hot dogs $3, cheeseburgers $5, hand jobs $10."

A beautiful blonde comes to the window to take his order. He asks, "Are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

She seductively nods her head "yes."

He hands her a ten dollar bill and says, "OK. Go wash your hands real good. I'd like a couple of cheeseburgers."




Good joke there.

in fact it's so good....


([url]http://www.clipartsuggest.com/images/332/concept-of-a-man-stealing-another-man-s-idea-royalty-free-stock-images-En9Rhy-clipart.jpg[/url])



Feel free. Like most jokes, I stole it from someone else.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 14, 2019, 09:36:41 PM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: frank on August 15, 2019, 07:42:18 AM
Back in the day there was a game show called Guess What It Is? Contestants were blindfolded and allowed to feel an object set in front of them, and given one minute to ask questions and figure out what the unseen mystery object was.

An old lady from Maine was on the show one night and after she was blindfolded a giant morel mushroom was set in front of her. She reached down and touched it, then asked, "Is this object something you can eat?"

The host indicated it was, and the old lady declared, "It's a moose's dick!"




Similar one:

A sausage factory explodes. One sausage goes up right before the heavenly gates. St. Peter picks it up, but has no idea what it is. He goes to god and asks him. "No idea. Must be a human thing. Ask my son, he's been there." St. Peter takes the sausage to Jesus. "I have no idea. Why don't you go and ask my mother, she has been on earth longer than me." St. Peter goes to Mary. "I have never seen something like it, but it feels like the holy spirit."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 15, 2019, 07:56:06 AM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:

You don't tie someone to a bed to get that person to have sex with you, Sven, you tie someone to a bed to get that person to marry you. Duh.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 16, 2019, 12:59:08 PM
Hear 's one RCM may like.

A woman goes to a toy store to buy her daughter her first barbie doll.

There are two models available. 

Regular barbie costs 9.99.
Divorced barbie costs 99.99.

She asks a sales lady what the difference is.

"Regular barbie comes with a bus token, third floor walk up apartment and college debt. Divorced barbie comes with ken's house,  ken's car,  ken's bank account and a new boyfriend. "




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 16, 2019, 02:15:57 PM
Choke warning! If you're  eating or drinking anything right now swallow it before reading. We can't afford to lose any used to choking.






A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 16, 2019, 02:21:23 PM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:

You don't tie someone to a bed to get that person to have sex with you, Sven, you tie someone to a bed to get that person to marry you. Duh.

Some women like things they wouldn't dream of letting someone personally close to them know they like.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on August 16, 2019, 02:21:33 PM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:

You don't tie someone to a bed to get that person to have sex with you, Sven, you tie someone to a bed to get that person to marry you. Duh.

Or to kill her.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 16, 2019, 02:53:26 PM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:

You don't tie someone to a bed to get that person to have sex with you, Sven, you tie someone to a bed to get that person to marry you. Duh.

Or to kill her.

No no no RC! Sheesh you squares have no idea...

Do you know how hard it is to find a woman who's into this? And YES, I only do consensual kinky stuff.

So when you find  one willing to go into some of this stuff you damn well treat her right and make sure she enjoys it. And with the right aids she can  'enjoy it' 6-7 times easy. The guy is lucky if he enjoys it 3 times....

And honestly,  if women in various forms of restraint wasn't a turn on to a lot of people why do so many  normal movies have scenes featuring it,  hmm?  Hell the original wonder woman comics were practically just bondage  illustrated. The perils of Pauline were  all women in peril,  so many republic serials had that and do i have to mention temple of doom?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 16, 2019, 02:55:53 PM
Back to jokes....


What's  the difference between atheists and trump supporters?

 Atheists are honest about not caring what the bible says.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 16, 2019, 10:00:44 PM
I hear all of the weather jokes just pours on in


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 17, 2019, 09:19:05 AM


A weasel walked into a bar. The bar tender looks at the weasel and says "I have never served a weasel before, this is exciting! What can I get you?" "Pop" goes the weasel

(https://i.imgur.com/eIuG6kG.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

Nice rack and thighs, but by the time I got done tying her down to the bed i'd be too tired to do her....  :bluesad:

You don't tie someone to a bed to get that person to have sex with you, Sven, you tie someone to a bed to get that person to marry you. Duh.

Or to kill her.

No no no RC! Sheesh you squares have no idea...

Do you know how hard it is to find a woman who's into this? And YES, I only do consensual kinky stuff.

So when you find  one willing to go into some of this stuff you damn well treat her right and make sure she enjoys it. And with the right aids she can  'enjoy it' 6-7 times easy. The guy is lucky if he enjoys it 3 times....

And honestly,  if women in various forms of restraint wasn't a turn on to a lot of people why do so many  normal movies have scenes featuring it,  hmm?  Hell the original wonder woman comics were practically just bondage  illustrated. The perils of Pauline were  all women in peril,  so many republic serials had that and do i have to mention temple of doom?
Interestingly, most profilers say that a sexual predilection towards binding someone is less about dominance or sadism than it is insecurity, and a lack of personal confidence.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on August 20, 2019, 06:30:32 PM
What did the cow say when she drank all the milk out of the bucket?
"It all comes back to me now..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 23, 2019, 03:03:19 AM
Me: I have a half brother.

Someone else: Different mother or father?

Me:  Shark attack.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on August 23, 2019, 08:35:32 PM
From one of my freshmen on the first day of school:  What's brown and sticky?  A stick!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 25, 2019, 08:12:13 PM
Why is a haply computer programmer like Tasha Yar?

They both love Data entry.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 25, 2019, 09:20:17 PM
What did the chicken say to the egg after they made love?
"Guess we've answered that old question."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on August 27, 2019, 10:01:48 PM
A really hot blonde is standing on the endfe of a bridge obviously preparing to throw herself off it into the waters below.

A guy walking by on the bridge stops and says "Committing suicide,  huh? "

The woman sobs "Yes! "

The guy says "Well hey,  if you're gonna kill yourself anyway wanna  have sex one last time first? "

The woman screams "HELL NO YOIU SICK SELFISH PRICK! "

The guy shrugs and says "Ok then,  i'll just wait till your body washes up on shore then. "

Hey!  The thread says "truly terrible joke thread"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 27, 2019, 10:55:32 PM
A really hot blonde is standing on the endfe of a bridge obviously preparing to throw herself off it into the waters below.

A guy walking by on the bridge stops and says "Committing suicide,  huh? "

The woman sobs "Yes! "

The guy says "Well hey,  if you're gonna kill yourself anyway wanna  have sex one last time first? "

The woman screams "HELL NO YOIU SICK SELFISH PRICK! "

The guy shrugs and says "Ok then,  i'll just wait till your body washes up on shore then. "

Hey!  The thread says "truly terrible joke thread"!

I love that joke.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 03, 2019, 12:01:56 AM
A man protesting police brutality has begalun stealing wheels off police cars in Alabama, leaving them sitting on concrete blocks.

Alabama police are working tirelessly to stop him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 05, 2019, 07:45:55 PM
Dumb Donald just tweeted "Nothing's made in America anymore!  I just got a new tv it said bullt in antenna. Ive never even heard of that country! Sad! "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 05, 2019, 08:48:17 PM
I don't understand unemployed people. They make no cents!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 08, 2019, 02:09:48 PM
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom the shower gets turned on.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 09, 2019, 04:25:11 PM
How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
(A fish.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 19, 2019, 05:20:45 AM
Why did the trump supporting nurse carry a red  inkpen with her while at the hospital?

In case she had  to draw blood.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 06:47:22 AM
Why does Sven make fun of other people?

Because he's miserable in his sad life.  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 19, 2019, 03:02:45 PM
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 04:17:40 PM
Why don't bears like eating Chinese?
Because an hour later they're hungry for more.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 07:36:12 PM
How do we know God has a sense of humor?

He gave Sven a penis, and nowhere to put it.  :smile:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 07:45:33 PM
How do you confuse Sven?
Put his welfare check in a bowl and tell him it's in the corner.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 07:47:15 PM
You hear about the earthquake that hit Chicago?
Sven was running to catch an ice cream truck.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 07:48:27 PM
When was Sven born?
Eight months after they banned wire coat hangers.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 19, 2019, 07:51:49 PM
How do you get Sven to work for a living?
I have no idea.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on September 19, 2019, 10:46:02 PM
Why does er s**t on peolle here? If she did it in real life she'd find out what the term b***h slap meant.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 21, 2019, 05:28:45 AM
Necrophilia: Putting the fun into funeral.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 07, 2019, 08:42:26 AM
ER was arrested for public nudity while playing tennis.

The sign said "Only  tennis shoes allowed while on court. "

How do you know ER belongs to the ku klux Klan?

She just takes old ni--er jokes she hears from them and puts othermpeopllecs names in them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 07, 2019, 10:46:45 AM
ER was arrested for public nudity while playing tennis.

The sign said "Only  tennis shoes allowed while on court. "

How do you know ER belongs to the ku klux Klan?

She just takes old ni--er jokes she hears from them and puts othermpeopllecs names in them.
Show me where on the  doll where ER hurt you to the point where you had to make this bulls**t.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Svengoolie 3 on October 07, 2019, 05:17:50 PM
Hey EM how about looking back at all the s**t she threw at me and b***hing at her for once? Or are yoiu a white knight?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on October 07, 2019, 05:48:46 PM
Okay; she asked for it.  But her jokes were funny...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 07, 2019, 06:30:56 PM
They also used proper spelling and grammar!  :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 07, 2019, 11:54:34 PM
Hey EM how about looking back at all the s**t she threw at me and b***hing at her for once? Or are yoiu a white knight?
I mean technically you did respond to that before the newest insult.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 08, 2019, 06:22:15 AM
ER posted those jokes a month ago and Sven is just now responding. . .

does it really take four weeks to think of a lame comeback?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Gabriel Knight on October 08, 2019, 06:32:35 AM
ER posted those jokes a month ago and Sven is just now responding. . .

does it really take four weeks to think of a lame comeback?

Is that a rhetorical question?  :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 20, 2019, 02:44:00 PM
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin Pi.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BoyScoutKevin on October 25, 2019, 04:50:19 PM
If Saint Trevor entered the Church, married a woman named Beverly, and had twins named Devin Kevin and Maven Raven, then he'd be . . .
the Rev Trev with Bev and their kids Dev Kev and Mave Rave. And he thanks you.

He'd liked to say this joke is totally original, but it's not, as it's a variation on a joke fround in James Runcie's The Road to Grantchester, which is a prequel to the ITV TV series. He recommends the book, as oddly enough or maybe not, it comes across as being a surprisingly realistic portrayal of Italy during the War and then the War's aftermath in England, for both straights and gays. And if the writer's name sounds familiar, the writer's father was at one time the Archbishop of Canterbury.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 03, 2019, 10:17:05 PM
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says, "You're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse replies, "I don't think I am." and vanishes from existence.

See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of "I think, therefore, I am", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.

---

Note: I didn't make this joke. I got it from a user named vagueblanche on reddit.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 06, 2019, 12:10:22 AM
Why didn't the chicken cross the road?
(She didn't want to get to the other side.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 06, 2019, 09:49:01 AM
Two guys are talking outside, one of them says that it smells like dog poop. "I don't smell it" says the other guy, "However I don't smell too good"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 06, 2019, 06:36:58 PM
How many ears does Mr. Spock have?

Three.  A left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on November 07, 2019, 08:26:31 AM
What's that perfume you're wearing?

Vicks; I have a cold.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 24, 2019, 12:49:38 PM
A father and son are sitting on a bench. The son asks if they're pyromaniacs. The father replies"Yes we arson"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on December 24, 2019, 08:35:46 PM
Did you hear about the man who fell down a hole?

Yeah... He didn't see that well.

(http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-nUIHhzFUilU/UA--keQsULI/AAAAAAAAAlc/BnRwh1WP4zk/s1600/cuteblogcornerDOTblogspot_troll-sincere-troll.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 30, 2019, 04:42:14 AM
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning and I was getting annoyed, but then I realized that I left it in Airplane mode.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on February 20, 2020, 03:54:04 PM
I think everyone can agree that Einstein was a genius, however, not everyone is aware of his brother Frank. That guy was a monster.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on March 08, 2020, 08:38:07 PM
where do whales go to get weighed?
a marine biology research lab.

why was 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 was a deranged psychopath.

:: breaking news: toilet stolen from police station ::
police are looking for anyone acting suspiciously while carrying a toilet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 08, 2020, 09:42:09 PM
You know, Jeffrey Dahmer was eating five guys before it was a restaurant . . .


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 11, 2020, 10:13:46 AM
A punky middle-school boy, known in his town as a real trouble-maker, was about to throw a rock through a church window, when the parish priest came out and said to him, "Young man, do you have Christ?"

"Huh?" the boy asked.

"Do-you-have-Christ?" demanded the priest.

"I swear I don't!" shouted the boy, who tore out of the church yard and ran all the way home, where he hid in the basement til his mother came looking for him.

"What did you do this time?" his mom demanded.

"It's the worst thing yet," the boy told her. "Christ is missing and they think I had something to do with it!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on April 10, 2020, 11:45:08 AM
I've been letting the jobs needing to be done around the house build up until I had a list of 100 jobs to do.

This morning, one of the lights burnt out. A bit of investigation revealed that the light switch itself had burned out. I ordered a replacement in, desoldered the previous fitting and put a new one in.

I have 99 problems, but a switch ain't one.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 10, 2020, 09:50:17 PM
My friend David had his ID stolen, so now he's known as Dav


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 11, 2020, 04:52:00 AM
A man decided he wanted a pet, so he went to his local pet shop and bought a hamster. He took it home, put it in a cage, and fed it. The next morning he came downstairs and the hamster was dead.

So the man went back to the pet shop and said to the owner "that hamster I bought yesterday has died overnight. I want a refund.". The owner replied "Sorry we don't do refunds...but I tell you what, have you got a garden?". The man replied "yes" and the owner said "okay go home, put your dead hamster in a blender, then spread it all over your garden, and in the morning your garden will have grown beautiful flowers all over it".

So the man went home and reluctantly put his hamster in a blender, and spread it over his garden. The next morning he looked out of his window, and to his amazement his entire garden was covered in magnificent golden daffodils.

So the man went back to the pet shop and said to the owner "that was incredible, you were right. I did what you said, and this morning my garden is covered in daffodils".

"Daffodils?" replied the pet shop owner, "most people only get tulips from hamster jam".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 11, 2020, 05:07:21 AM
A cannibal tribe kid was caught eating a salad. His Ma says to him- "If your father could see you now, he'd be rolling in his gravy!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 11, 2020, 11:03:44 AM
I bought a pen today that can write underwater.

It can also write a whole load of other words too.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on June 11, 2020, 11:17:11 AM
A guy is sitting in his house with his wife while it's storming outside. His roof is leaking.
 His wife says- " Why don't you ever patch that hole in the roof?!" The guy says- "I can't when it's raining, and when the sun shines, it don't leak!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 13, 2020, 03:06:37 PM
Today an alt-med practitioner pelted me with a bottle of omega-3 supplements.

Luckily I only suffered Super Fish Oil injuries.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 13, 2020, 03:07:42 PM
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind.

He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

1
[10:26 AM]
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray- haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery.
A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......







But of course...I can't tell you what it is, because you're not a monk.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 15, 2020, 12:40:28 PM
Why is inviting John Milton to a games night a terrible idea?

Because when he is around there is always a pair of dice lost.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 14, 2020, 10:08:21 AM
Why did the stoner eat his math test?
(Because his classmate said it was a piece of cake.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on September 16, 2020, 03:11:00 PM
My friend promised he'd sing Whitesnake on karaoke with me but he lied.

So... Here I go again on my own.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 18, 2020, 08:27:14 PM
What's blue and not heavy?
Light blue.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on October 06, 2020, 08:52:35 PM
(https://i.ytimg.com/vi/qyAnRxnBRLI/hqdefault.jpg)

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells.

I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on October 06, 2020, 09:06:02 PM
Where do mansplainers get their water?

From a well, actually.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 09, 2020, 08:39:21 PM
Why do snakes swim with their heads above water?

Because if they didn't, they'd drown.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 09, 2020, 08:53:18 PM
Why do snakes swim with their heads above water?

Because if they didn't, they'd drown.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

That's a stupid joke! Why am I laughing my ass off?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 09, 2020, 09:19:35 PM
Hitler and a radio show producer are standing on top of a radio tower.
Hitler says " I want to do something to make people happy."
The radio guy says- "Jump."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 09, 2020, 10:19:27 PM
Why did the Egyptians bury their kings in huge pyramids?


Because they were dead!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 12:07:51 AM
How many morons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
3.
 One to hold the light bulb and 2 to spin the ladder.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 10, 2020, 08:44:19 AM
Joke for a Klingon:

How many Romulans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the light bulb and one to blow up the ship afterward.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on October 10, 2020, 09:33:29 AM
What's Dracula's least-favorite song?

"Here Comes the Sun"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 10:10:02 AM
A freind of mine said onions are the only food that can make you cry.
So I threw a coconut at him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 11:02:02 AM
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He saw his gas bill.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 11:02:52 AM
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

It depends on how hard you throw them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 11:04:14 AM
Why do orphans like boomerangs ?

They come back (unlike their parents).


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 11:06:54 AM
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking "Oh s**t my moms going to kill me!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 10, 2020, 11:16:13 AM
Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?

 They taste funny


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 10, 2020, 09:08:57 PM
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble letters. The doctor said that my next bathroom trip could spell disaster


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 10, 2020, 09:21:14 PM
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking "Oh s**t my moms going to kill me!"

That is wrong on a quantum level . . . why am I snickering at it?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 11, 2020, 01:40:33 AM
What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

They're both thinking "Oh s**t my moms going to kill me!"

That is wrong on a quantum level . . . why am I snickering at it?
Because it's funny! :bouncegiggle:
Why does a milking stool have 3 legs?
 Because the cow has the utter one.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 11, 2020, 02:35:29 AM
What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?

Kinder Egg !

(It's not going to get any better.  :bluesad:)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 11, 2020, 02:43:45 AM
You ever hear of a reverse exorcism?

 It’s where the devil tells the priest to get out of the child.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 11, 2020, 02:45:53 AM
The difference between my life and a joke is that a joke has meaning.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 22, 2020, 04:07:30 PM
Which body parts die last? Eyes, because they dilate.

Yesterday I saw an ad that said "Radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full." I thought to myself  "I can't turn that down!"

Why did the crab cross the road? It didn't, it used the sidewalk.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 22, 2020, 06:34:43 PM
I drove through Provo the other day.
But I didn't stop.
I decided to leave Provolone.

(Sorry . . . that one's kinda cheesy!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on October 27, 2020, 09:09:06 AM
AT&T should be a British company.

Because they're always at "T."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on October 27, 2020, 04:18:53 PM
An armless and legless man is on the beach. With his umbrella and towel. I pretty girl walks by and says-
" You poor man! You look so sad!"
He says- " I've never been f**ked.  :bluesad:"
So she picks him up and throws him in the lake.

"Now you have!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 27, 2020, 07:04:57 PM
Pre mean before and post means after. To use both prefixes would be preposterous!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 27, 2020, 09:00:13 PM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob!!!

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?

Art!

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs hanging on a fence?

Barb!

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs one week out of the month?

Flo!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on November 05, 2020, 03:36:36 PM
Here's something you don't hear too often-
"Dad, you really oughta drink more!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on November 05, 2020, 03:39:39 PM
If you had only one tooth would you brush it for a real long time?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on January 18, 2021, 12:35:47 PM
(https://www.rd.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/06/30-Short-Jokes-Anyone-Can-Remember-nicole-fornabaio-rd.com_-1024x683.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 18, 2021, 09:37:28 PM
HOW MANY TRUMP SUPPORTERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?


"Anitfa broke the old bulb!  And stole the new one!  Sad!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on January 20, 2021, 10:59:40 AM
One I heard on the news today:

It is set to be very cold for the Biden inauguration today. Apparently it is going to be minus 45. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on January 22, 2021, 12:10:01 AM
What did the cops say when they let the longtime badmovies.org member out of jail?

"Release the Kraken."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on January 28, 2021, 07:30:46 PM
Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 08, 2021, 04:35:31 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I might be a type o.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 08, 2021, 10:34:20 PM
What did the seven dwarfs say when they spotted a prostitute on drugs?



"HIII HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 09, 2021, 11:55:18 AM
^ Oh no! You didn't!  :bouncegiggle:

If we are going to fight the war on terror, we should start with haunted houses.
Because their scary, you know. It's haunted. By ghosts.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 09, 2021, 11:47:59 PM
Astronomers have determined that earth, during its proto-planetary stage, was more than twice as large as it is now.
But, before it began to cool, the molten planet was struck by a large, glowing asteroid of the kind known as Aggressive Lithic Luminaries (ALL) which caused it to split into two pieces.  The larger chunk fell into the sun and disintegrated; the smaller one condensed and became our planet.
Which explains the meaning of the old Disneyland song: "It's a Small World After ALL"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 02:24:16 AM
What did the Boston Marathon bomber do that Hitler could not?

He ended a race.

(https://i.imgur.com/wowqNEl.gif) (https://lunapic.com)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 02:50:52 AM
A drunk walks into a bar. He sits for a while talking to another guy for a bit, walks to the bar and says to the barkeep- "I bet 50 bucks if you line up 10 shot glasses on this bar I can p**s in all of them and not get a drop on the bar!"
"I don't believe it!" says the bartender.
So the guy stands on the bar and p**ses all over the place- doesn't fill one glass.
"Ha ha ha!" says the barkeep. "You owe me 50 bucks!"
"That's ok" says the drunk- " I just bet that guy over their $200 I could p**s a all over your bar and make you laugh!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 03:21:10 AM
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call him- he ain’t coming.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 03:23:20 AM
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run?
 The grass tickles their balls.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 03:28:10 AM
What's the difference between a bullet and a cop?
When a bullet kills someone it gets fired.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 03:34:37 AM
A blind man walks into a bar… And then a chair And then a table.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 03:52:07 AM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I might be a type o.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Why am I laughing at this?  :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 04:19:38 AM
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 04:27:27 AM
Once, a lady pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when suddenly a man wearing a ski mask came up to her and shot 3 bullets into her stomach.

She was rushed to the hospital. Miraculously, they all survived, but the babies each had a bullet in their bodies.

The doctor said that they should be fine, but there are risks and they'll be operated when their bodies are mature enough.

Fast forward to 15 years, one day the first daughter comes up to her mother and tells her that she was taking a leak and she felt a shot of pain in her abdomen, and surprisingly, it was the bullet.

The mother told her what happened 15 years ago.

The second daughter and she had the same story and the mother told her everything.

Then her son said " I have a problem.",
 Mom-' Lemme guess, you were taking a leak and you felt a shot of pain before a bullet came out?" The son replied-

"No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 05:28:57 AM
Every planet is named after a God. Except Earth.
That's named after dirt.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 05:36:09 AM
If I could ad a face to the Mount Rushmore momument, it would be James Polk.
Because I wanna know what he looks like.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 10, 2021, 08:34:09 AM
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised I picked up a stranger and asked. “Thanks but why’d you pick me up? How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I told him the chances of two serial killers in one car would be astronomical.

Oh my gosh, RC, it's like you were eavesdropping in my car the night that hitchhiker went missing!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 10, 2021, 06:15:46 PM
The most disturbing thing about going to Disneyland is seeing all those people walking around wearing Mickey Mouses' scalp.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 10, 2021, 09:41:25 PM
If a vampire with a breast obsession were to write a love song, what would he call it?
"Fangs for the Mammaries!"

I heard a bunch of other vampire jokes but they all sucked.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 11, 2021, 01:43:35 PM
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says I might be a type o.

Good one!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on February 11, 2021, 02:50:31 PM
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Banana!
Banana who?

Knock knock!
...Who's there?
Banana!
...Banana who?

Knock knock!

Knock knock!

Knock knock!

(Sigh) Who's there?
Banana!
...Banana who?

Knock knock!
(Irritated) Who's there?
Banana!
(Irritated) Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there, a Banana?
No, no, no! You have to do it right!
Ok, ok, Who's there?
Banana!
(Sigh.) Banana who?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange ya glad I didn't say Banana!

Yes. Yes I am.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 11, 2021, 03:05:15 PM
^ The oldest stupidist knock knock joke in the world.
And I'm laughing my ass off!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 11, 2021, 05:01:33 PM
What's dark-haired, limps, and has black and blue skin?
A brunette who told one too many blonde jokes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 08:54:36 AM
Jeffery Dahmer's relatives argued what to do with his body.

Some wanted to stick him in a freezer and the others wanted to eat him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 09:12:35 AM
A MILF is Mentally Ill Ladies I'd like to Fvck.







Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 15, 2021, 11:41:55 AM
A MILF is Mentally I'd Like to Fvck.






Not bad....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 12:33:30 PM
 ^ I meant mentally ill.  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 01:28:48 PM
A girl asked me to give her 9 inches and make it hurt.

So I f**ked her 3 times and punched her in the face!

( It took me a while to figure out the math on that one. I'm not good at math.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 15, 2021, 01:33:12 PM
A girl asked me to give her 9 inches and make it it hurt.

So I f**ked her 3 times and punched her in the face!

( It took me a while to figure out the math on that one. I'm not good at math.)

That's not even a joke, that's just offensive.    :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 01:38:54 PM
^ It's the terrible joke thread, man.  :bouncegiggle:
It's a joke about someone with a 3 inch dick!
Who punches someone in the face!

I dunno- I thought it was funny... :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 10:50:33 PM
I was talking to my Great Uncle when I was a kid ( he was 82- old bastard), and we were walking down main street in Lawton, and he says  " See that barn! I helped build that 60 years ago!"
 I say " Cool"
He points to a hardware store. " I started that hardware store in 1948! And that cocksucker Bob stole it out from under me!" I guess Bob was his business partner or some s**t.
He says "See that courthouse! I was a judge there!"
I'm impressed with the old guy!

"But people hate me!"

"Why"   :question: I says.

"Because I got caught f**king a goat!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 15, 2021, 11:42:43 PM
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 16, 2021, 12:01:54 AM
Say what you want about Hitler, he wasn’t all that bad. After all, he killed Hitler.

You're on fire in this thread tonight, RC!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 16, 2021, 12:11:59 AM
^ I got nothing better to do.

This one is real stupid.

If Hitler starred in the ROOM his line would be " I did not Hitler! I did not!"


(https://i.imgur.com/U6qpDi5.gif) (https://lunapic.com)

It doesn't get better.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 16, 2021, 12:37:08 AM
My grandfather died in a Nazi concentration camp.

He fell off a guard tower.  :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 16, 2021, 07:24:18 AM
In prepared remarks, Ted Cruz' said that allowing felons the right to vote would allow Charles Manson to vote. Manson has been dead for three years.

Ted Cruz being scared of Charles Manson voting is actually a better argument for Ted Cruz not to be allowed to vote.

He's a moron. He shouldn't even be allowed to hold sharp objects.
Now, Charlie...he was pretty good with talking s**t and holding sharp objects at the same time!
This is not even a joke. It's just an observation.
Kinda like Trump told his folks to storm the Capitol, and people died.- except Manson got convicted.
I ain't saying Manson shouldn't have gone to prison. That's good! He was an ego maniac!
Manson never killed anybody. He just told people to.
Figure out the rest yourself.


(https://i.imgur.com/HAPhekM.gif) (https://lunapic.com)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 16, 2021, 11:40:42 PM
Would a Soviet sharpshooter technically be called a Marx-man?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 17, 2021, 12:01:57 AM
I got my dick stuck in a mouse trap!
Because I had dick cheese on my dick and sat near a mousetrap trying to catch a sneaky mouse, but I reached over for my bottle of whiskey, and the f**king thing went off!
How that happened is real weird! Not something that happens every day!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 21, 2021, 05:39:16 AM
A guy walks into a store and orders some sausage.

The guy wearing the apron says- " You want Polish sausage?"

"How did you know I wanted Polish sausage?" the guy says

The other guys says- "Because this is a hardware store."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 21, 2021, 05:42:17 AM
The latest Micheal Bey movie is getting mixed reviews.
It's being called everything from 'sh!t' to 'fvcking sh!t."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on February 23, 2021, 04:43:51 PM
Michael Bay films always bomb, even if they make tons of money.  :hot:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 25, 2021, 10:57:22 PM
Little Timmy, an 8th grade student, was constantly lying to his parents about everything.
His Dad spotted an Amazon ad for a "Lie Detecting Robot."  Reading the blurb, he discovered that once activated, this robot would immediately shout "Liar!" whenever it heard a fib, and slap the person who uttered the falsehood across the face.
"This is just what we need!" he thought, and ordered it right away.
A few days later, his wife got in from the office early and saw him putting it together.
"What's that?" she said.
"This is the thing that is going to cure our son of his lying habit," the father replied.
"Well, I gotta see this!" she said, and they waited.
Timmy was two hours late getting in from school, and walked in the door to see both his parents standing next to a strange contraption.
"Where have you been?" his Dad said.
"We had basketball practice and it ran late," Timmy replied.
"LIAR!" the robot thundered, and a mechanical arm slapped him across the face.
"Let's try that again.  Where have you been?" his Dad said.
"OK, OK," Timmy said, rubbing his face.  "I was at Billy's house."
"What were you doing there?"
"Uhm, we were working on our science project!"
"LIAR!!"  SLAP!
"One more time, son.  What were you doing?"
Timmy sighed.  "We were watching VAMPIRE VIXENS FROM VENUS," he said.

"Well, son, I am disappointed," his Dad replied.  "I would never have done something like that at your age!"
"LIAR!!!"  SLAP!
Timmy doubled up with laughter, and his parents sent him to his room.
"I guess I was asking for that," Dad said to his wife.
"Well, what did you expect?" she said.  "After all, he's your son!"
"LIAR!!!" SLAP!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 26, 2021, 12:28:49 AM
^  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on February 28, 2021, 10:41:24 AM
After 9/11 I wandered around Manhattan among the blood and bones and rubble looking for my brother.

But he lived in California. For like 10 years.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on February 28, 2021, 04:23:18 PM
I went to my premature ejaculator's support group this morning. Unfortunately, the meeting wasn't scheduled until tomorrow.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 28, 2021, 04:58:03 PM
I went to my premature ejaculator's support group this morning. Unfortunately, the meeting wasn't scheduled until tomorrow.

Well go back, Rev, there's no shame in seeking help. We're rooting for you, buddy!  :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 01, 2021, 12:50:13 PM
After 9/11 I wandered around Manhattan among the blood and bones and rubble looking for my brother.

But he lived in California. For like 10 years.

That's just STUPID.    :hatred:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 02, 2021, 11:27:28 PM
What type of rock is a good friend?
An opal


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 02, 2021, 11:42:48 PM
Why can't fish count?
They ain't got no fingers!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 03, 2021, 11:59:06 AM
How do you ruin your husband's day with sex?

Text him about it while you're cheating on him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 03, 2021, 07:00:13 PM
I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, I would also like to thank my arms for being be my side, and finally I would like to thank my fingers since I can count on them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 03, 2021, 10:55:46 PM
I would like to thank my legs for supporting me, I would also like to thank my arms for being be my side, and finally I would like to thank my fingers since I can count on them.

Witty, and clean enough to repeat at the family dinner table. I like that one a lot.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 03, 2021, 11:20:25 PM
What did the fish say when he swam head first into a wall?

"Dam!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on March 05, 2021, 01:59:16 PM
Capitalization can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on March 05, 2021, 02:24:49 PM
What do you call a rattlesnake with a toothache?

A cottonmouth.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on March 05, 2021, 04:01:46 PM
The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on March 06, 2021, 11:24:01 PM
There should be a sequel to Rear Window. I’m sure the guy got off; after all, it was Perry Mason.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 07, 2021, 01:16:18 AM
The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

I nearly spit out my drink with that one!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 07, 2021, 02:52:16 PM
I saw this guy wearing a suit and tie, carrying a brief case. He also had a telephone headphone gadget on his head.
So I say to him, "as long as you got one hand free,can you play with my balls?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 07, 2021, 07:53:27 PM
My wife went missing for two weeks some time back.  The local sheriff told me I should be prepared for the worst.
So I went to Goodwill and got all her stuff back!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 10, 2021, 08:16:58 PM
My friend told me to take out my spider instead of killing him. We went out, had a few drinks, real nice guy. He's a web designer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 12, 2021, 12:09:57 AM
Why did The Doors cross the road?

To break on through to the other side!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ralfy on March 13, 2021, 03:06:41 AM
The "shoot the dog" joke from Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore:

https://varley.net/movie_review/alice-doesnt-live-here-anymore/


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 14, 2021, 02:24:01 PM
What's funny about a scientist reading a book on helium?

It made her voice really squeaky.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on March 17, 2021, 08:35:10 PM
What do a soda fountain, a roller coaster, & a sharp object have in common.

Ice Cream! The difference is the spelling.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 19, 2021, 08:22:15 PM
Why did Kanye West cross the road?

To give God advice.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 19, 2021, 09:52:46 PM
What had more brains than Hitler? The wall behind him.

You know I'm gonna do Hitler jokes. That's my job. It's what I do.  :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 19, 2021, 10:16:25 PM
Capitalization can really change the meaning of a sentence.

Example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

I had to think about that one for a couple seconds!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on March 19, 2021, 10:35:35 PM
Hawk: You better sleep with one eye open!

Snake: Nothing new. I always sleep with both eyes open.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 04, 2021, 02:18:35 PM
Guy gets ID'd at a liquor store.
Counter guy says what's your birthday?
The customer says August 20th.
"No- what year?"
"Every year."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ralfy on April 08, 2021, 10:38:04 AM
Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQygDOO3qtg#)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: kornula on April 13, 2021, 11:08:13 PM
*knock knock*

Who's there?

Phillip Glass.

Phillip Glass who?

*knock Knock*

Who's there?

Phillip Glass

Phillip Glass who?




(it does help if you know Phillip Glass's music)



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 25, 2021, 12:19:39 PM
An guy walks into a party store , picks up a Mars bar, and stomps on it.

"Look! I'm the first man to step foot on Mars!"


(https://i.imgur.com/DFI7EbX.gif) (https://lunapic.com)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 25, 2021, 12:40:04 PM
What's the easiest way to unload a truck full of babies?

With a pitchfork!

(Yeah- a dead baby joke  :twirl:)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 25, 2021, 12:43:23 PM
What's the best thing about a dead baby?

If you stick their little fingers into a light socket, and it spasms- you know it works!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on April 25, 2021, 02:48:39 PM
The guru is meditating...

He says you should’ve bought a Mac.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on April 25, 2021, 07:55:27 PM
I am going bananas...

Is what I say to my bananas before I leave the house.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 26, 2021, 02:00:59 AM
^  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 26, 2021, 07:22:55 AM
 for the uk crowd...


A German guy called Hans gets a job washing up plates in the kitchen of a seafood restaurant. As a special treat after his first shift, the boss says "You can have anything off the menu you want, and I'll cook it for you right now!".

"Wow thanks," says Hans, "I think I'll have some squid!"

"Sure," says the boss "the squid are in this tank over here, choose which one you want and I'll cook it for you."

"I think I'll have that crazy looking green one right there, the one that looks like it's got a mustache."

"Are you sure?" says the boss  "Why do you want that one?"

"Because Hans that do dishes need wild green hairy-lip squid!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 26, 2021, 10:27:29 AM
What's the easiest way to unload a truck full of babies?

With a pitchfork!

(Yeah- a dead baby joke  :twirl:)

What's WORSE than a truck load of dead babies?  One... alive... trying to eat its way out!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 26, 2021, 09:38:40 PM
What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on May 03, 2021, 05:48:59 AM
My boss caught me smoking a joint on the job. He said-
"Do you want to work or smoke pot all day?"

Easiest question ever.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ralfy on May 07, 2021, 05:52:44 AM
"Are Fish Wet Underwater?"

Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPDdRrMVEnA#)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on May 12, 2021, 11:48:31 AM
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she broke up with me before we met. (credit Steven Wright)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on May 24, 2021, 01:53:54 PM
  Why are old people wrinkly?  :question:

 Because they are slowly being sucked into Hell.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 24, 2021, 05:17:41 PM
Why did The Doors run across the street?
To break on through the other side.

What do you get when you boil your funny bone? You get laughing stock.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 09, 2021, 01:50:07 PM
I went to see my doctor for a checkup. He told me my blood pressure was high and said that I needed to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to tell you the results of your physical."




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on August 01, 2021, 07:44:11 AM
I went to see my doctor for a checkup. He told me my blood pressure was high and said that I needed to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to tell you the results of your physical."


 :buggedout: +  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on August 01, 2021, 07:45:50 AM
History teacher

Teacher: "Who were the opponents in the Civil War?"
Me: [raises hand]
Teacher: "No, not Iron Man and Captain America."
Me: [lowers hand]

 :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 01, 2021, 12:06:17 PM
Eating too much cake makes you guilty of the sin of gluttony.

Eating too much pie is fine though as the sin of pie is always zero.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 03, 2021, 07:51:31 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/3m5IPQJ.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on August 03, 2021, 09:22:07 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/3m5IPQJ.jpg)

Quick!  Someone send this to the SyFy Channel!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on August 03, 2021, 09:25:57 AM
I went to see my doctor for a checkup. He told me my blood pressure was high and said that I needed to stop masturbating. I asked why. He said, "Because I'm trying to tell you the results of your physical."




 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on August 19, 2021, 07:44:20 PM
My dad came in & said he was beat. So I handed him sunglasses, bongos, & a black beret.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 20, 2021, 07:50:07 AM
My dad came in & said he was beat. So I handed him sunglasses, bongos, & a black beret.

A joke from 1959.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on August 20, 2021, 08:17:48 AM
My dad came in & said he was beat. So I handed him sunglasses, bongos, & a black beret.

A joke from 1959.

A No Prize to whoever guesses this horror icon.

(https://i.imgur.com/BOJmAOY.jpg) (https://lunapic.com)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ralfy on August 24, 2021, 09:39:19 AM
Maila Nurmi, baby!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ralfy on August 24, 2021, 09:40:33 AM
Go for it, Jer!

Error 404 (Not Found)!!1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smmfEEaMyHc#)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on February 19, 2022, 10:57:10 PM
Why did the man fall into the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 19, 2022, 11:45:29 PM
My friend ate an entire set of Scrabble tiles.

His next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: lester1/2jr on February 20, 2022, 12:22:36 AM
What did George Washington say to his men before they get on their horses?


"Men, get on your horses"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 08, 2022, 08:21:49 AM
I read an account of how during the siege of a castle the attackers managed to kill the Duke's eldest son using the only available ammunition, a serf's head, fired from a trebuchet.

It is the first recorded use of a serf-face to heir missile in history.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 09, 2022, 12:00:56 PM
^ I don't know whether to laugh or sob at that one.  :bouncegiggle:  :bluesad:

Why does Jesus enjoy washing dishes?
Because he can blow bubbles through his hands!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 09, 2022, 12:48:17 PM
Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on March 26, 2022, 12:36:09 AM
What doesn't fit in your ass and buzz?

A Soviet made ass buzzer.
I have no clue why I find that so damn funny! :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 26, 2022, 07:12:06 AM
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for, but no one will give me a straight answer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 26, 2022, 08:04:40 AM
I keep asking what LGBTQ stands for, but no one will give me a straight answer.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Being one of those people, I can give you an answer  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 26, 2022, 01:18:46 PM
Decided to invest some money, so I've bought 55% of the shares in a vampire hunting business.

Now I am the main stakeholder.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 29, 2022, 03:43:55 PM
Ego and superego walks into a bar. Bartender says I'm gonna need to see some ID.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 29, 2022, 07:12:52 PM
There was a kidnapping in my classroom today!

Fortunately he woke up when the bell rang.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 29, 2022, 11:55:29 PM
Decided to invest some money, so I've bought 55% of the shares in a vampire hunting business.

Now I am the main stakeholder.

That was painful  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 29, 2022, 11:56:44 PM
There was a kidnapping in my classroom today!

Fortunately he woke up when the bell rang.

Oy  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 30, 2022, 12:56:40 AM
The police have dusted Chris Rock's face.

They found Fresh Prints.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 30, 2022, 01:27:58 AM
The police have dusted Chris Rock's face.

They found Fresh Prints.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Oy...........


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on March 30, 2022, 03:01:57 AM
The police have dusted Chris Rock's face.

They found Fresh Prints.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Oy...........

As a father, I am officially allowed to make bad dad jokes. In fact, I think it is compulsory.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 30, 2022, 06:59:26 AM

As a father, I am officially allowed to make bad dad jokes. In fact, I think it is compulsory.

Indeed :teddyr:

My Dad had a good one once: I brought one of my ninja turtles home with me and Mom chucked him into the washing machine (the turtle, not Dad  :buggedout: :wink:). Once it was out and dried off, Dad looked at it and said "Ah, nice. He hasn't been in the sewers lately."  :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on March 30, 2022, 01:37:45 PM
What do you call the chicken who tried to cross the road?

Splats!

(Also works for rabbits, squirrels, cats, & small dogs.)

What do you call the BIG dog which tried to cross the road?

Crunch!

(Also works for alligators, bobcats, & buck deer.)

What do you call the bandicoot who tried to cross the road?

Crash!

(I think I'll show myself out now...)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 30, 2022, 02:23:51 PM
How do you know the Oscar slap wasn't staged?

Will Smith's son wasn't cast in it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on April 03, 2022, 01:39:10 PM
Why was the mushroom so popular?

He was a very entertaining fellow to be around.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 03, 2022, 09:15:56 PM
How do you pick up Branch Davidian women?

With a dustbuster!!

(That was funny for about a two year window during the 1990's)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 03, 2022, 09:54:15 PM
How do you pick up Branch Davidian women?

With a dustbuster!!

(That was funny for about a two year window during the 1990's)

 :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on April 10, 2022, 02:22:52 PM
A farmer walks into his bedroom where his wife is,  holding a sheep under his arm. He says " This is the pig I been f**king."
His wife says-"You idiot! That's not a pig- that's a sheep!"
The farmer says- "Shut up! I was talking to the sheep!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on May 05, 2022, 08:18:53 PM
Have I told my construction joke?

I'm working on it


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 05, 2022, 09:16:25 PM
I went shopping for clothes the other day, and saw a really shiny pair of red boxers.  I was tempted for a moment, but then I said:

"NOT TODAY, SATIN!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on May 05, 2022, 09:43:49 PM
^ That's so stupid! Why am a laughing my ass of?  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on May 05, 2022, 10:11:08 PM
Hitler joke time!

What do Michaelangelo and Hitler have in common?

They both used their brain to paint a ceiling.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 06, 2022, 06:27:02 AM
What's the difference between George Washington and Luke Skywalker?

Washington needs his right hand man back,
Skywalker needs his right hand back, man!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on May 06, 2022, 12:12:29 PM
Why did the cheating chicken double-cross the road?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 09, 2022, 10:50:27 PM
Why did David Hasselhoff start simply calling himself: "The Hoff?"


Because it was less Hassel.  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on May 19, 2022, 05:31:38 AM
and the barman says "sorry sir, we don't serve time-travellers here."

a man walks into a bar.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on May 22, 2022, 12:58:07 PM
Someone yelled “Disco, duck!” And I looked to see a mirrorball flying at my head.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on May 24, 2022, 09:35:33 AM
A proton walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like a beer."

The bartender replies, "Are you sure?"

The proton says, "I'm positive."

------------------------------

A neutron walks into the same bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender serves him the beer and the neutron asks, "What do I owe you?"

The bartender replies, "You, no charge."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on May 27, 2022, 06:23:38 PM
So a snake walks into a bar.

“Hey!” The bartender says. “You can’t walk in here! You don’t have any legs!”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 27, 2022, 06:29:53 PM
Why are your eyes the last part of the body to die?

Because your pupils dilate!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 05, 2022, 06:28:35 AM
Somebody actually complimented on my driving today. They left a little not on my windshield that said Parking fine



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 05, 2022, 01:38:30 PM
Somebody actually complimented on my driving today. They left a little not on my windshield that said Parking fine

 :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on June 05, 2022, 02:52:39 PM
No, I will not have my dog neutered. I named him King, not Eunuch!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 10, 2022, 11:05:58 AM
I think I have an addiction to buying Beatles records.

My doctor asked me if I needed help, but I told him I already own 4 copies of it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 18, 2022, 12:03:37 PM
Two fervent Trump supporters died and went to heaven.
Once there, they requested an audience with God so they could ask a question.  St. Peter got them on the appointment calendar, and a few days later they were ushered in to the throne room.
"How can I help you, my children?" God asked.
"We want to know who was behind the massive voter fraud that stole the election from our beloved President Trump," they said.
God frowned.  "There was no massive voter fraud, and the election was not stolen.  Trump simply lost."
As they left, one of them turned to the other and said; "See, I told you this goes all the way to the top!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on June 18, 2022, 12:51:30 PM
A woman had just given birth to a baby boy...

The doctor was holding him and told the parent,"I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids." The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?" The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids." The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed." The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on June 24, 2022, 07:48:28 PM

“I wanna be the very best!
Like no one ever was!
To catch them is my real quest!
To train them is my cause!”
 
”You’re going to catch small creatures & run them over with a train!?”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on June 28, 2022, 09:08:09 PM
After another rude call, a detective hangs up his wrist-watch phone, sighs, & says, “They should’ve gone with Plain-Clothes Tracy.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on July 08, 2022, 08:30:52 AM
Took my dog, Mini, to the vet.

“She’s too fat!” The vet said. “Do something about that!”

“Ok. I’ll start calling her Maxine.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 13, 2022, 03:32:04 PM
Did you hear about the drunk fighter pilot?

"He's weaving, on a jet plane

Don't know if he'll be back again . . ."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 18, 2022, 11:03:20 AM
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 29, 2022, 06:37:40 AM
A visitor to the Olympic Games village met an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

Visitor: "Are you a pole vaulter?"
Athlete: "No, I'm German and how did you know my name is Walter?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 29, 2022, 07:21:08 AM
When he was a boy, Spock was often bullied in the schoolyard on Vulcan.
He quickly developed a sharp retort for his tormentors:  "Your momma's so fat, she outweighs the needs of the many!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pacman000 on July 29, 2022, 07:42:22 AM
What fruit is also a 50’s sitcom moral?

Cantaloupe


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 29, 2022, 07:46:25 AM
When he was a boy, Spock was often bullied in the schoolyard on Vulcan.
He quickly developed a sharp retort for his tormentors:  "Your momma's so fat, she outweighs the needs of the many!"

Ouchies  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on August 14, 2022, 02:57:08 PM
did you hear about the restaurant that only serves minced pork?

it's always ground hog day.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 21, 2022, 03:42:06 PM
I got an email telling me how to read maps backwards.

Turned out it was spam.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 21, 2022, 04:00:33 PM
A number of cars have been broken into across several multi-story car parks.

It is a crime that is wrong on so many levels.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 21, 2022, 04:45:17 PM
I watched a video on how ships are kept together.  It was riveting.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 21, 2022, 05:53:03 PM
Five nerds were walking down the street late at night when two tough-looking hoods started coming toward them. "Let's get out of here!" whimpered one of the nerds. "There are two of them and we five are each alone!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on August 21, 2022, 06:00:48 PM
The advantages of keeping origami simple are two-fold.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on August 21, 2022, 06:21:40 PM
I made friends with a dolphin by mimicking its behaviour and we just clicked.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 22, 2022, 01:55:02 AM
To save time, more women should get pregnant down at the Amazon.

I hear its next-day delivery.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 22, 2022, 09:36:49 AM
A middle school science teacher asked her students, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

The class goody-goody gasped and said, "We're twelve, you shouldn't ask us a question like that!"

The teacher ignored her and asked again, making the prudish girl blush and threaten, "I'm going to report you!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and urged her students, "Anybody?"

Finally, one boy said, "Um, is it the pupil of the eye?"

"Very good," said the teacher, who then turned to the girl who'd mouthed-off and told her, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very disappointed.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 22, 2022, 11:03:28 AM
Why is water salty?

Because if it was full of pepper, the fish would sneeze.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 22, 2022, 11:14:50 AM
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on August 24, 2022, 02:09:50 PM
I thought about making a belt out of old watches.

I dunno though, it might just be a waist of time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 11, 2022, 09:34:08 AM
How does any joke start in Russia these days?

You check over your shoulder first.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 11, 2022, 05:41:09 PM
I think my wife poured glue on all my rifles.

She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 19, 2022, 11:40:42 AM
Why did the baby cookie cry? Because her mother was a wafer a long time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 19, 2022, 09:33:21 PM
What did the elephant say when he saw a naked man?

"How do you breathe through that tiny little thing?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 25, 2022, 08:24:17 AM
A priest, a cop, and a keyboard warrior walked into a bar.

"I'll have a glass of red wine," said the priest, "to remind me of Christ's blood shed for the world."

"Gimme a domestic beer,"said the cop, "to remind me that despite the badge I'm a workin' man at heart."

The keyboard warrior said, "And I'll take whatever nobody else is having, to remind me everybody else is always wrong!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 06, 2022, 05:59:02 PM
Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it's white and it covers their land.

How can you tell when a Plains Indian reaches puberty?

He grows Apache beard!

(This one is a Texas history joke)

Knock knock!
Who's there?
La Salle!
La Salle who?
La Salle get together and drive the French out of Texas!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Morpheus, the unwoke. on December 06, 2022, 11:18:36 PM
Why did the economic situation of a company in Afghanistan improve when they hired Islamic fanatic suicide bombers?

Suddenly business was booming and hey had prophets going thru the roof.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Morpheus, the unwoke. on December 07, 2022, 12:35:27 AM
I had a joke about time travel but you all hated it.

I have a joke about trickle down economics benefits but 98% of you wouldn't get it at all.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 06, 2023, 11:32:56 PM
An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on February 07, 2023, 04:08:50 PM
An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "

 :bouncegiggle: It's funny because it left him genitally mutilated!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 07, 2023, 06:34:13 PM
Ewoks did cook and eat the Stormtroopers that they killed. They said that the Stormtroopers were hit or miss.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on February 07, 2023, 06:53:35 PM
An old Western mountain man came to town to visit the dentist - he said his teeth were a "little achy."
The dentist looked in his mouth and said: "My God, man, you have the worst abscessed teeth here I've ever seen.  These two are infected right down to the nerve - I don't know how you're not screaming in agony!"
The mountain man laughed and said:  "Well, doc, I've only felt real pain twice in my entire life, and a little old toothache doesn't even begin to compare to those two times."
The dentist said: "Well, these two teeth need to come out or they are gonna kill you!  Now let me give you some of this newfangled novocaine stuff - it'll deaden up your jaw so you don't even feel it when I pull them!"
The old man said: "Just yank'em on out, doc, I won't feel a thing."
The dentist said: "Look, these nerves are infected and inflamed and you're going to scream when they come out."
Mountain man: "I told you, I've only felt pain twice in my life, and this won't even compare."
Doc: "OK, I'll pull the first one, and you'll change your mind pretty quick!"
So he reaches in with his dental pliers and chooses the least severe of the two abscessed teeth and gives it a good twist and a yank.  Out it comes with a gush of blood, and he puts a cotton ball over the socket.  The old man never flinched.
"Now, that was the less infected of the two," the dentist said.  "Are you SURE you don't want Novocain? "
"I told you, doc, I've only felt pain twice -"
"Well, all right then, here comes the third time!" the doctor snapped, and reaching in, he yanked out the other tooth, freeing up a nasty mess of infected fluid from the jaw.
The old man hopped out of the chair and said: "Thanks, doc, how much do I owe you?"
The dentist said: "Tell you what, this one is on the house if you will simply describe to me what DID make you feel pain, because I swear you are the toughest customer I've ever had!"
The mountain man replied; "Well, about 20 years ago, I was trapping bears up in the Rockies.  I had those great big old steel traps spread all over the mountainside, because bears were sol plentiful back then.  Well, one day I had a bit too much to drink and stumbled off into the woods to take a dump.  I squatted down right over one of those bear traps, and when I dropped my load it tripped it and the durn thing slammed shut on my genitals!"
The doctor exclaimed in horror: "I bet that did hurt!  What was the second time?"
The old man said: "Well, I started running, and forgot the trap was on a ten foot chain . . . "

 :bouncegiggle: It's funny because it left him genitally mutilated!

Him?  Nah.  He tore the teeth out of the bear trap!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on July 09, 2023, 02:21:02 PM
what do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

arrested


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 09, 2023, 02:25:40 PM
I think more kids should be called Lance.
I mean it isn't a common name nowadays, but in the old days...

Well, people were Lance a lot.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on July 09, 2023, 02:38:26 PM
how did bob marley like his donuts?

with an infusion of jam (or any similar fruit preserve) injected directly into the centre of the fried dough.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 09, 2023, 02:38:32 PM
Larry the accountant was three hours late coming home from work one day.
 His wife met him at the door, concerned and a bit angry.  "Where have you been all evening?" she demanded.
"If you must know, I was getting a tattoo!" he replied.
"I don't see a tattoo," she said, looking at his arms.
"It's on my willie," he replied.
"And what did you get tattooed on your willie?" she asked.
"A hundred dollar bill," he explained.
"Why?"
"Several reasons - one, I like to watch my money grow.  Two, I sometimes like to play with my money.  Three, I like holding my money in my hand.
And four - now you never have to go shopping again! You can stay home and blow $100 any time you want!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on July 21, 2023, 12:11:57 PM
I wonder what kind of fitness regime Jesus followed.

I see him as a CrossFit guy myself.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on July 21, 2023, 04:32:23 PM
First guy: Would you rather eat a goat baby or a mata baby?

Second guy: What's a mata baby?

First guy: Nothing. What's a mata with you, baby?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 31, 2023, 03:40:05 PM
Only in New Jersey

Why'd the chicken cross the road?

What, you think I'm Alexa with all the answers or somethin'? We gonna have a problem, cuz I got yer problems right here, bozo!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 31, 2023, 04:47:51 PM
What do you get when you cross a Mafia boss with a duck?

A dead duck.  Never, ever cross a Mafia boss!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on July 31, 2023, 06:37:19 PM
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A picture of Jesus only takes one nail.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on August 09, 2023, 04:01:56 PM
I spotted an albino dalmation today.

He looks much better now.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 06, 2023, 10:47:32 PM
Why did Kirk have to leave the bridge of the Enterprise so quickly?

He thought it was a fart, but it was the "Captain's Log!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 09, 2023, 01:22:44 PM
I passed a construction site today. There was a woman working there. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was riveting!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 09, 2023, 06:41:49 PM
My wife and I were talking about history the other day, and she said: "It's amazing how little people change!"

I said: "They do it the same as the rest of us, their clothes are just much smaller!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 10, 2023, 09:07:36 AM
Why are pool tables green?

You'd be green too if someone hit your balls with a stick.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on October 14, 2023, 01:43:36 PM
A homeless guy asked me for money today. I looked in my pocket for change, but all I had on me was a $20 bill. I thought to myself, "Do I really want this $20 going towards drugs?...Nah." So I gave him the $20.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 20, 2023, 10:54:02 AM
What's green and sings?
Elvis Parsley


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on October 29, 2023, 11:17:55 AM
You can send files to Bugs Bunny if you wish.

No using Google Drive though.

He only accepts Whatsapp docs.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 30, 2023, 09:53:39 AM
How many German existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?

A fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on November 19, 2023, 02:09:08 PM
What do you call a woman who won't give head?

A taxi.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 02, 2023, 01:13:32 PM
(I heard this during the 2004 elections.)

Why should the Democrats put a lesbian on the ticket?

She'd have lots of experience when it came to licking Bush....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Alex on December 03, 2023, 08:25:52 PM
If someone was to do a remake of The Shining in Lego, would it be directed by Stanley Ku-Brick?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 08, 2024, 07:09:16 PM
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar . . . . followed by Batman!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on January 10, 2024, 01:58:53 PM
why was 6 afraid of 7?

because 7 was a homicidal maniac.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 10, 2024, 02:27:13 PM
Did you know that people eat more bananas than monkeys?

I mean when was the last time you saw someone eat a monkey?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie no.one on January 12, 2024, 02:48:17 PM
 I told my wife I had a car made of spaghetti, but she didn't believe it

...until I drove pasta