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Other Topics => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: Trevor on March 01, 2010, 08:28:37 AM



Title: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 01, 2010, 08:28:37 AM
Two guys are swimming in the ocean off Durban, South Africa, when one of them turns around and sees two fins heading towards them. He grabs the other guy and tells him "Look at that!" The other guy goes  :buggedout: :buggedout: and says "If that isn't a 1958 Cadillac, we're in deep sh*t!"  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 01, 2010, 08:31:06 AM
What is an owl's favorite subject at school? Owlgebra


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 01, 2010, 12:40:36 PM
Where does a snowman keep his money? 

In a snow bank


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 01, 2010, 01:25:51 PM
Why don't cannibals like clowns?

They taste funny.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 01, 2010, 01:41:56 PM
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 01, 2010, 02:24:45 PM
What did Delaware? Her New Jersey. (Sorry if i hurt anyone's feelings)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 01, 2010, 02:54:09 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 01, 2010, 03:33:57 PM


If you threw a brunnette and a blonde up in the air which one would come down first?
The brunnette ... the blond would have to stop and ask for directions first.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 01, 2010, 03:42:26 PM
Why did they bury the indian behind the mountain?
Because he died.

There's an other version of this, too:

Why did they bury the fireman behind the mountain?
Because that's where the cemetery is.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 01, 2010, 04:33:04 PM
Why did Piglet stick his head in the toilet?

He was look for Pooh.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JJ80 on March 01, 2010, 04:58:24 PM
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot.........


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on March 01, 2010, 05:14:01 PM
A man walks into a bar. He said, "OUCH!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 01, 2010, 05:41:14 PM
A man walks into a cafe and orders a cup of coffee, no cream.  A moment later, the waiter comes back and says, "We're out of cream.  Can it be no milk?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Paquita on March 01, 2010, 06:54:43 PM
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants.  The bartender asks "Hey, why do you got a steering wheel on your pants?" and the pirate says "Arr! It's drivin' me nuts!"  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on March 01, 2010, 07:27:26 PM
This one's for Indianasmith...

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

A: Because they have big fingers.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: SPazzo on March 01, 2010, 07:43:50 PM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on March 01, 2010, 08:07:58 PM
Wanna hear a dirty joke?

Two white horses fell in the mud. They got dirty.


How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?

It depends on how thin you slice them.



How many dead babies does it take to make 10 pounds of rib meat?


It depends on whether you're making it "jerky" style.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 01, 2010, 10:48:29 PM
OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!


What's grosser than ten dead babies in one garbage can?

One dead baby in ten garbage cans!

How do you unload a truckful of dead babies?

PITCHFORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 02, 2010, 12:07:29 AM
What is brown and sticky?

A stick


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 02, 2010, 12:18:12 AM
These two guys walk into a bar, right?

Which is really stupid - if the first one walked into it, the second one should have seen it!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 02, 2010, 01:01:17 AM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

---

Why do babies have soft spots on their heads? 
So the nurses can carry five out on a hand if there's a fire in the hospital.

---

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

---

What do emo kids use as birth control?
Their personalities.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 01:23:09 AM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 01:24:11 AM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 06:14:09 AM
A chicken crosses the road and meets up with James Bond.

Chicken: "What's your name?"
JB: "Bond. James Bond. And yours?"
Chicken: "Ken. Chic Ken."

 :buggedout: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:53:38 AM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."

What has four wheels and flies?  A Garbage Truck

And one for Trevor...Whats grosser than gross?  Throwing your underwear at the wall and it sticks to the wall.  Whats grosser than that?  Coming back one hour later and finding the underwear two feet up the wall.   :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:55:14 AM
Two peanuts walk down a dark alley.  One was assaulted.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:
That took me longer than it should have to get.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 09:04:11 AM
And one for Trevor...Whats grosser than gross?  Throwing your underwear at the wall and it sticks to the wall.  Whats grosser than that?  Coming back one hour later and finding the underwear two feet up the wall.   :teddyr:

 :buggedout: :buggedout: +  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 02, 2010, 09:06:25 AM
Q: What is the definition of high speed?

A: Skid marks by the toilet door.

 :teddyr: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 02, 2010, 09:45:14 AM
3 sisters die and meet at the pearly gates.  St. Peter greets them and tells them they must each answer a question correctly in order to pass.
The first sister approaches.
"Who was the first woman created?"
"Eve."
A bell sounds.  DING!  She is granted passage.
The second sister approaches.
"Who was the first man created?"
"Adam."
DING!  She is granted passage.
The third sister approaches.
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
"Gee.. that's a hard one..."
DING!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 02, 2010, 11:43:35 AM
A man walks into a cafe and orders a cup of coffee, no cream.  A moment later, the waiter comes back and says, "We're out of cream.  Can it be no milk?"
lol, I like this one.


one for UK residents:

what's worse than a dog eating your slipper?

a killer whale eating your trainer


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 12:14:45 PM
Three moles were living in a mound next to a carnival...Mama Mole, Papa Mole & Baby Mole.  

On a beautiful spring day Papa Mole stuck his head out the front hole and said "Ahhh, smells like taffy".

Mama Mole stuck her head out the back door and exclaimed, "Ahhhh, smells like lolipops."

Baby Mole struggled to get past his Mama and Papa who were blocking both entrances but kept bumping up against their behinds.  He went on to exclaim, "All I smell is molasses".  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 02, 2010, 12:45:28 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 02, 2010, 03:21:29 PM
Three moles were living in a mound next to a carnival...Mama Mole, Papa Mole & Baby Mole.  

On a beautiful spring day Papa Mole stuck his head out the front hole and said "Ahhh, smells like taffy".

Mama Mole stuck her head out the back door and exclaimed, "Ahhhh, smells like lolipops."

Baby Mole struggled to get past his Mama and Papa who were blocking both entrances but kept bumping up against their behinds.  He went on to exclaim, "All I smell is molasses".  

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 04:54:11 PM
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 


Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 02, 2010, 05:32:51 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 02, 2010, 05:36:16 PM
what is white with black- a newspaper
why is it that a man becomes a fish? he wants to be called Gill
What did the carrot say to the tomato? He said lettuce in!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 02, 2010, 08:49:45 PM
Why were the girls mad at Harry Potter?

He gave them all Hogwarts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 03, 2010, 12:46:07 AM
What size do elephants come in?
Quarts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 03, 2010, 12:49:15 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear in her back!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 03, 2010, 12:53:37 AM
What do you call hemorrhoids on an Eskimo?
Polaroids.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 03, 2010, 01:06:27 AM
Did you hear the one about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder, and made a spectacle of himself?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 03, 2010, 01:07:13 AM
Why did the elephant cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 03, 2010, 01:10:00 AM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two...but don't ask me how they got in there.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 03, 2010, 02:58:46 AM
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?

She threw out all the W's.


A blonde exits her house.  A neighbor watches as she opens her mailbox, notices nothing's in it, then slams it shut and storms back inside.  A few minutes later she repeats the process and angrily storms back inside.  As she comes out the third time towards the mailbox, the neighbor asks what's wrong.
"My computer keeps telling me I have mail!"


A guy brings his blonde girlfriend to a football game.  After the quarter was flipped the teams went their separate ways and prepared for kickoff.  During the game, as the visiting team prepared to pass, fans around the couple yelled, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde whispered to her boyfriend, "What's the big deal?  It was only a quarter!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 03, 2010, 08:36:27 AM
How do you know if a blonde has been using Microsoft Word on your computer?
Theres whiteout on the screen.  

Two blondes were leaving a mall when it started to rain.  They ran to their car and saw that the doors were locked with the keys  in the ignition.  After panicking for ten minutes trying to get the door open the owner of the car exclaimed, "This just is JUST great...it's raining, the keys are in the ignition with the doors locked and worst of all the top of my convertible is down."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 03, 2010, 08:43:33 AM
Q: What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield?

A: It's butt.


Did you hear about the blonde terrorist? She tried to blow up a bus, but she burned her lips on the tailpipe.


Shotgun wedding: A wife or death situation.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: WilliamWeird1313 on March 03, 2010, 09:21:15 AM


The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day's competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn't take any more and kicked them out.

The next morning the Manager called the clerk into his office and told him there had been many complaints about his being so rude to the hotel guests....instead of kicking them out, he should have just asked them to be less noisy.

The clerk responded, "I'm sorry, but if there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."



...

Ugh.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 03, 2010, 01:52:46 PM


What do you call a parrot wearing a raincoat?  Polly unsaturated

Why does a chicken coop only have 2 doors? Because if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 03, 2010, 02:54:27 PM
1) Once a fellow was gardening and could not get his tulips to grow.  He asked his friend how he grew his.  His freind said "Just get some small mammals, puree them in the blender with sugar and use it as fertilizer".  The man was shocked. "Really?" "Yes" Said his friend "Tulips always grow in Hamster Jam."

2) A guy was out jogging and saw a man walking his dog.  At the corner they both stopped and the dog started to lick his parts.   The jogger sn****red and said "Some days I wish I could do that." The dog owner replied "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."

#2 is my favorite joke ever.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 03, 2010, 03:53:13 PM
Three tomatoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomato, a momma tomato, and a little baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind. Poppa tomato gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 03, 2010, 04:16:39 PM
two cranes walk up to a receptionist. The receptionist asks for their body build, and the two cranes reply that they're cranes. The receptionist has a blank stare, and ask which company are you branded with, Caterpillar, Case, etc?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 03, 2010, 08:22:40 PM
Two blondes go out shopping and one buys a mirror. As they're walking home she stares at it curiously and says to her friend "Hey, the woman in this picture really looks familiar, I'm sure I recognize her", so her friend grabs it off her takes one look and goes "of course you recognize her... it's me, you idiot".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 03, 2010, 08:28:06 PM
A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 03, 2010, 08:30:56 PM
What do a tin roof and a housewife have in common?

If you don't nail them correctly they'll end up at your neighbor's front door. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 04, 2010, 01:55:00 AM
What do Traci Lords and a giant turtle have in common?
When they're both on their back, they're screwed.

---

Why doesn't Santa Claus have any kids? 
He only comes once a year, and it's down a chimney.

---

Hear about the Italian chef who died?
He pasta way.

---

What's the lightest thing in the world?
A penis.  Even a thought can lift it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 04, 2010, 03:30:40 AM
A rabbit and a bear are taking a dump side by side in the forest.

The bear looked down at the rabbit and said, "Say there little fellow, do you ever have any problem with s*** sticking to your fur?"

The innocent little rabbit looked up, wide-eyed, and said,
"Why no, Mr. Bear!"

So the bear picked him up and wiped with him.

 :teddyr: :teddyr: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 04, 2010, 06:59:23 AM
I think that is my favorite joke of all time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 04, 2010, 07:36:02 PM




What do call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 04, 2010, 07:38:43 PM
How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?



"CHANGE???!!!???"


How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?

"SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY???"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 04, 2010, 09:39:45 PM
did you hear about the two headless men who had a race?

it was neck and neck


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 04, 2010, 09:49:52 PM
How many people from Brooklyn does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NONE OF YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JJ80 on March 04, 2010, 10:02:59 PM
Two antennas got married. The ceremony was run of the mill but the reception was tremendous.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 05, 2010, 08:24:55 AM


A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "Give me a chapstick and put it on my bill."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 05, 2010, 08:54:02 AM
How many people from Brooklyn does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

NONE OF YOUR F*CKING BUSINESS

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 05, 2010, 10:27:00 AM
how many microphone technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?


one...two


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 06, 2010, 03:06:57 AM
Why is six afraid of seven?

Because...

Eh, to hell with it.  This video answers it better than I do:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ySbZvbFMrtE

---

What do you call a chicken in the North Pole?
Lost


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 06, 2010, 09:09:47 AM
Who was the greatest investor in the Bible?

Noah, he floated his stock when everyone else was liquidating!


Who was the best female investor in the Bible?

Pharaoh's daughter - she went down to the river and drew out a little prophet!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 06, 2010, 09:16:28 AM
why is left jealous of right? because right would always be right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 06, 2010, 10:09:04 AM
What do you call a dead guy in a ditch?  Phil.
What do you call a dead guy in the ocean?  Bob.

How many guitar players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  At least 10.  One to screw it in and 9 to say "I could have done it better."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 06, 2010, 02:29:46 PM
What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?
Cunselo (sound it out)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 08, 2010, 07:27:44 AM
Why didn't the director of Avatar win an Oscar?

He didn't have his Camer on.  :twirl: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on March 08, 2010, 10:11:11 AM


What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbitt farts


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pilgermann on March 08, 2010, 11:52:05 AM
1) Once a fellow was gardening and could not get his tulips to grow.  He asked his friend how he grew his.  His freind said "Just get some small mammals, puree them in the blender with sugar and use it as fertilizer".  The man was shocked. "Really?" "Yes" Said his friend "Tulips always grow in Hamster Jam."

2) A guy was out jogging and saw a man walking his dog.  At the corner they both stopped and the dog started to lick his parts.   The jogger sn****red and said "Some days I wish I could do that." The dog owner replied "You probably could, but you might want to pet him first."

#2 is my favorite joke ever.



lol, both of those are great.



What does a buck-toothed cow say?
"MOOF!"

What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where the f--- is my tractor?!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on March 08, 2010, 03:27:48 PM
What is green, and is hard to s**t out?
A tank.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 09, 2010, 01:59:29 AM
Stole this one from Colin Farrell in The Recruit:

"Seven o'clock this morning, sound asleep, I hear this cracking sound, ripping wood. I think it's part of this logging dream I'm having, but no. The bed's falling through the floor."  :buggedout: :buggedout:

 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on March 09, 2010, 05:24:13 AM
Two muffins are sitting in an oven.  One looks at the other and says, "Man, is it hot in here or what?"  The other says, "AHHH!  A TALKING MUFFIN!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 09, 2010, 09:27:28 AM
how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

two - one to hold it in place, and one to get so high the room starts spinning


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 09, 2010, 10:46:45 AM
how many hippies does it take to change a lightbulb?

two - one to hold it in place, and one to get so high the room starts spinning

 That one made this baby of the 1960's go :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on March 10, 2010, 12:35:51 PM
A new trend in spam: spambots are trying to post lame jokes on my blog in an attempt to get their comments approved.

Example:

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on March 10, 2010, 02:42:28 PM
A new trend in spam: spambots are trying to post lame jokes on my blog in an attempt to get their comments approved.

Example:

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!

I prefer the old random patches of text garbled together spam. It had a certain vulgarity-oriented poetry to it.

Did you know that as you get older jokes start making less and less sense?
Invisible robot fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on March 10, 2010, 05:00:27 PM
Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Grape.

Grape who?

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad it isn't grape again?



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 10, 2010, 05:57:29 PM
Free Refills are only $1.99!
$1.99 hot dogs are $2.50!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on March 10, 2010, 10:23:25 PM
Did you guys hear the one about the sidewalk?

Its all over the town.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 11, 2010, 12:12:55 AM
Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine that married a pincushion?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on March 11, 2010, 02:43:20 AM
Masochist: Hurt me.
Sadist: No


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on March 11, 2010, 03:08:08 AM
2 sperm are swimming in a woman's body.  One says to the other, "how soon do we get to the ovaries?"  The other says, "It'll be awhile.  We haven't even passed her tonsils yet."

Also:

2 men are sitting on a fence.  One says to the other, "Do you and your wife have mutual climax?"  The other stops and thinks for a second, then answers, "No.. I think it's State Farm."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on March 11, 2010, 04:13:36 AM
One I've never got............  :buggedout: :buggedout:

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass."

 :question: :question:  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 11, 2010, 11:08:26 AM
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

He heard the ref was blowing fowls.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on March 11, 2010, 12:38:39 PM


Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of a  tall sky scraper.

One man turns to the other and says: "You know if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so strong that they carry you around the building and back into the window."

The 2nd Man says "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."

"No it's true let me prove it to you." The 1st man says.  So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the  street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."

"No, I'll prove it again" and again the 1st man jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently  carries him around the building and into the window.

He gets back up stairs and turns to the 2nd man.  "See?  It always works.  Go head.  Give it a shot!"

So the second man agrees to try it out.  He jumps over the edge and plunges down.  He goes right past the 10th floor and hits the pavement with a splat. 

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:  "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you've been drinking."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Skull on March 11, 2010, 12:59:06 PM
Two guys are going camping and they forget to bring some toliet paper along.

The first guy had a sudden urge to take a dump and was upset about not having any toliet paper, "What should I do? I need to go really bad."

"This is the woods," the other guy said, "use the leaves."

The first guy didnt like that idea, "The leaves has bugs and prickly things."

"Ok, then use a dollar bill." The other guy suggested.

It seemed like a good idea so the first guy went behind the bush and took his dump; afterwords he came back with poop over his hands.

"Hay! why didnt you used the dollar bill?" The other guy asked.

"I didnt have a dollar bill, so I used 4 quarters instead."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on April 14, 2010, 02:10:02 PM
Once a guy was down in an outhouse poking with a stick and digging around.  His friend runs up and asks what he is doing.  He Says "I dropped my coat in here".  His friend says, man, your coat is ruins, we'll stop and get you another one on the way home.  The first guy says "Thats great, but my sandwich was in the pocket."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 02:12:54 PM
Why does Hitler have a pink car ?
...
...
...
...
...
To drive with


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on April 14, 2010, 02:39:37 PM
How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?  Just look for the sesame seed buns

What do you call a nervous cow?   beef jerky

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f..k" all at the same time?  yell BINGO!

What do you call cheeze that's not yours? NACHO CHEEZE


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 03:35:25 PM
which types of frogs can jump higher than a telephone pole? any, a telephone pole can't jump.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 14, 2010, 03:59:54 PM
What's green and smells like bacon?

Kermit's finger.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on April 14, 2010, 05:08:40 PM
I lost my watch the other day. I'd look for it, but I don't have the time.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 14, 2010, 05:39:37 PM
What did the German sausage lover say after his trip to the bathroom?

"The wurst is passed."


(or did I already use that one?)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 14, 2010, 07:29:26 PM
Knock Knock, Who's there?

I'm a carrot  :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 07:33:03 PM
Why does hitler have a pink telephone ?
...
...
...
...
...
To telephone with.

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 07:55:13 PM
What's an aliens' best friend? his MEGA DEATH RAY!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 14, 2010, 08:01:46 PM
Why are there so many people named Jones in the phone book?
Because they all have telephones!



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on April 14, 2010, 08:03:01 PM
What do you call a masturbating bull?  
Beef Stroganoff


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Vik on April 14, 2010, 08:06:44 PM
There was a tree next to a house, the tree fell on the house. What happened ?
...
...
Nothing because there was no house, HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
(I made that on up myself)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 14, 2010, 08:32:51 PM
Who's GREEN and SINGS...?  FRANK SNOTRA! 
Who's GREEN and SINGS ROCK 'n' ROLL??   ELVIS PARSLEY! 
What's BLACK and WHITE and BLACK and WHITE and BLACK and WHITE...?   A nun falling down the stairs. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 14, 2010, 08:33:14 PM
What do you call a masturbating bull?  
Beef Stroganoff
:buggedout: :buggedout: :thumbup: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on April 14, 2010, 09:52:56 PM
When I left home my mother said "Don't forget to write". I said, "That's unlikely, it's a basic skill"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: SPazzo on April 15, 2010, 12:18:35 AM
What's green and f**ks grannies?

Me, in my lucky green raincoat.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 15, 2010, 07:36:48 PM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?










They're not dead.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flick James on April 16, 2010, 11:44:44 AM
I've always been a fan of the classic:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: The fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on April 19, 2010, 04:04:34 PM
Old presidential joke:

What do pantyhose and Saddam Husein have in common?
They irritate Bush.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: TheDope on April 19, 2010, 06:44:27 PM
A nun, a horse, a dog and a rabbi walk into a bar.  The bartender looks at them and says, What is this, some kind of joke?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on April 19, 2010, 07:13:53 PM
Did you hear the one about the butter and cream cheese?

Don't spread them around...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 19, 2010, 09:26:17 PM
What did the cucumber say to the onion rings. I'm already prickly because of you.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 19, 2010, 10:29:41 PM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?
They're not dead.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Where you are in the world, Raff: I've been told that those that have passed there don't rest easy.

The American Institute of Parapsychology named Savannah the "Most Haunted American City".

Bite on that, New Orleans!  :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 19, 2010, 10:38:33 PM
Can you use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence?

My new coat's got nine buttons but I can only fascinate.

---------------------------------------------------------------

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

---------------------------------------------------------------


Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?

Because someone told him to get along little doggy.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 19, 2010, 11:01:47 PM
Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 

What's black and white and red all over? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 

What's black and white and red all over and can't get thru a revolving door? 
A nun, with a spear thru her head. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 19, 2010, 11:03:23 PM
What's pink and bubbly and taps on the window?

A baby in a microwave!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:07:00 AM
Use the word "dictate" in a sentence: 
I ax d'hoe: how my dictate? 


 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:24:34 AM
A young girl from the country has just gotten her driver's license.  She decides she wants to drive to the city and celebrate with her friends.

She asks her dad, "Can I borrow the car for tonight?"
Her dad says, "Sure, but you're going to have to give me a blow job first."

Disgusted but really wanting to borrow the car, she agrees.  After going down on him for a half a minute, she surfaces and complains, "Ew!  Your d*ck tastes like sh*t!"

The dad says, "Oh that's right, I forgot.  Your brother has the car tonight."
 :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 03:35:34 AM
One more:

A boy who was visiting some relatives with his family had just turned 12 and was eager to tell everyone the good news.

He went up to his cousin Bernice and said, "Guess how old I am!"
Bernice shrugged.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his uncle Joe.
"Guess how old I am!" he asked excitedly.
"How old?" Uncle Joe asked.
"I'm 12 years old!"  He ran off to tell his Grandmother.

"Guess how old I am!"
Grandmother says, "Let me see."  She sticks her hand down his pants and plays with his manhood for a full minute.  "You're 12."
"How did you know!"
"I heard you tell your Uncle."
 :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 20, 2010, 04:03:27 AM
Why can't people who live across the street from a cemetary be buried there?
They're not dead.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

Where you are in the world, Raff: I've been told that those that have passed there don't rest easy.

The American Institute of Parapsychology named Savannah the "Most Haunted American City".

Bite on that, New Orleans!  :tongueout:

I'm wondering why I deleted my post on this thread: that was silly.  :question: I would really love to come and visit Savannah someday. :smile:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 20, 2010, 04:42:57 PM
How do you make a gay baby cry?
You take the pacifier out of his bum. (Told to me by a gay guy, no less...)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 05:10:30 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 20, 2010, 06:05:46 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?
ME!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 06:37:11 PM
What's more gross than a pile of dead babies?
ME!

WRONG, Pumaman breath!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 20, 2010, 07:12:57 PM
What's more horrifying than a truckload of dead babies? 
One, alive, trying to eat its way out. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2010, 07:17:13 PM
What's more horrifying than a truckload of dead babies? 
One, alive, trying to eat its way out. 

Pile of dead babies: same answer!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on April 20, 2010, 08:49:30 PM
Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?

Because of blond boyfriends. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on April 20, 2010, 09:28:02 PM
What do you call a cow that eats other cows?
A Canni-BULL!



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 20, 2010, 10:49:31 PM
What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbit?

"are you going to eat that?"

(Very 1990's, I know!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 20, 2010, 11:21:30 PM
A woman trying to copycat the Lorena Bobbitt incident raised a large knife while her husband was sleeping one night and brought it down, missing his penis and grazing his scrotum.  He woke up angrily in pain and later sued her on a miss-de-weiner charge.  :lookingup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 21, 2010, 03:58:53 AM
He woke up angrily in pain and later sued her on a miss-de-weiner charge.  :lookingup:

 :buggedout: :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 12:03:55 PM
What did the leper say to the prostitute? 
Keep the tip. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 21, 2010, 07:52:01 PM
What can you do with a dog that has no legs?

Take it for a drag.



BOY: Mrs. Jones, can Johnny come out and play baseball?
MRS. JONE: Honey, you know johnny doesn't have any arms or legs.
BOY: But we need a third base!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on April 21, 2010, 08:03:45 PM
I was dating this siamese twin, but she dumped me because I was seeing her sister behind her back


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 08:15:36 PM
What do you call a one-legged woman? 
Peg. 
What do you call a one-legged woman not named Peg? 
Eileen. 
What do you call a one-legged Chinese woman? 
Irene.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a lake? 
Bob. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs at your front door? 
Matt. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall? 
Art. 
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot-tub? 
Stew.  (I wrote that one.  :teddyr:) 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 21, 2010, 08:16:22 PM
Why do kittens make good television station announcers?




Because they have wee paws for station identification.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 21, 2010, 08:20:29 PM
What did the Chinese couple call their retarded child?  
Sum Ting Wong.  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Nukie 2 on April 21, 2010, 08:27:09 PM
So a punk says to another punk "Wot would ya do if a bird sh*t on ya"
the other punk said "Leave 'er!"

So a punk with a big mohawk gets on a train, and sits down, and in front of him is a business man,
and he notices the business man staring at him.
The punk says to him " Wot, you afraid to do anyfing radical wif your life mate?"
The business man replies " A matter a fact I have, I once f--ked a parrot, and I'm wondering if you're my son!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 22, 2010, 02:18:45 AM
Two guys sitting fishing by a river, a crocodile swims past and bites the one's foot off.

First guy: "A crocodile just bit my foot off!"
Second guy: "Really? Which one?"
First guy: "I don't know. All these crocodiles look the same to me."   :smile:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 22, 2010, 03:00:31 AM
2 married men, their wives, and a married gay couple all die and go to the gates of Heaven.  St. Peter awaits.  They all approach, seeking entrance.  St. Peter addresses the first married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't allow you passage.  You loved money too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Penny!"
Saddened, the man and his wife sit down on a cloud, sobbing.
St. Peter speaks to the other married man: "I'm sorry, but I can't let you in either.  You loved food too much.  In fact, you loved it so much you married a woman named Candy!"
The couple sits on a cloud next to the first couple and sobs uncontrollably.
The gay couple approach St. Peter.  One of them says to his lover, "It doesn't look good, Dick."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 27, 2010, 09:42:39 PM
What's better than roses on a piano? 
Tulips on an organ. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Torgo on April 28, 2010, 12:03:15 PM
Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 28, 2010, 08:29:44 PM
How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?


They both have a sour cough, I guess! :teddyr:






(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 29, 2010, 06:32:00 AM
How is an Egyptian mummy like a girl choking on lemonade?
They both have a sour cough, I guess! :teddyr:
(Say it out loud, and rather quickly, if you didn't get it!)

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

That one wrapped and bandaged me up in laughter.  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on April 29, 2010, 07:24:05 AM
A husband and wife book a holiday on a remote island. They check into their hotel, and spend the afternoon lazing by the pool.

As dusk approaches they start to hear the distant sound of drums coming from far away, gradually getting louder.

As the drums get louder, they suddenly notice all the local islanders starting to look more and more worried.

The drums continue on and on, and the islanders become frantic. One of them runs past shouting 'Dont Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

The husband and wife wonder what on earth's going on, so they walk up to an islander and ask him what happens when the drums stop, but his face turns to fear and he runs off screaming.

More desperate cries come from all around... 'Don't Let The Drums Stop! Don't Let The Drums Stop!'

They go up to another and ask him "What happens when the drums stop?", but he falls to the ground, frothing at the mouth.

Anxiously the couple grab another islander and beg with him: 'Please...Please... Tell us what happens when the drums stop???'

..his face fills with dread, his eyes bulge with fear, and with a petrified gasp he whispers......bass solo


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 29, 2010, 07:27:18 AM
What's good to serve, but not to eat?
A tennis ball.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 29, 2010, 06:43:32 PM
If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 04, 2010, 05:22:52 PM
LIBERACE could play the piano like no one in the world.  He was simply magnificent on the piano.  
LIBERACE was the greatest of all time on the piano.  But he sucked on the organ.  


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on May 05, 2010, 01:39:03 PM
What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went un-noticed last week.

Lawrence "Larry" LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died in his sleep of natural causes at the age of 93.

Despite his peaceful passing, the funeral preparations were rather traumatic for the family.  The main problem came from getting his body into the coffin.   

You see, first they put his left leg in ... and things just started going downhill from there.

   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on May 05, 2010, 07:23:05 PM
I was just following the world's greatest magician down the road. He had to be. There he was, behind the wheel of his little sports car, when all of a sudden, right before my eyes, he turned into a driveway!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on May 05, 2010, 11:20:40 PM
A man with a car full of animals buckled up like passengers is pulled over by a policeman.  The policeman stares at the animals in his car and orders the driver, "Take those animals to the zoo!"  "Yes, officer," replies the driver.

Later that same day the policeman spots the animals again in the vehicle.  He pulls over the driver and shouts angrily in the window, "I thought I told you to take those animals to the zoo!"
"Yes, officer; I did!  We had a great time!  Now we're going to the movies!"  :lookingup:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dennis on May 06, 2010, 08:08:56 AM
A motorcycle officier spots a woman driving down the street while knitting, he follows with his lights on but she ignores him, he then pulls up beside her car and hits the siren a couple times. This gets her attention, he yells "PULL OVER", she replies "NO, IT'S A SCARF"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 07, 2010, 11:36:57 AM
What's the loneliest place on the planet?  
Scottish pay toilet.  

How come God invented whiskey?  
So the Irish wouldn't rule the world!  



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 05, 2010, 06:06:36 PM
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near a window?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ChaosTheory on June 05, 2010, 08:13:31 PM
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa  :hot:

What do you say to a drummer standing in your doorway?
Nothing, you just pay him for the pizza and send him on his way.

What's the difference between a dead cat in the street and a dead drummer in the street?
The cat was on his way to a gig.
(No offense to any drummers on the boards)

A young man's car breaks down near a nunnery.  He asks Mother Superior to let him stay the night, and she hesitates.  "We just got ten novices today, and I'm afraid they might be too new to the faith to resist the temptation of a man."  Romeo promises to behave himself and the nun sets him up with a room down the hall from the ten new nuns.
The next morning Mother Superior calls the ten girls in and says, "I have some alarming news.  Last night there was a man in the rooms."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "This morning we found a used condom in the room where he was staying."
Nine nuns gasp; one nun giggles.
Mother Superior continues, "The condom had a hole in it."
Nine nuns giggle; one nun gasps.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 08, 2010, 01:34:21 AM
Did you hear the one about the dyslexic devil-worshipper?
He dedicated his life to Santa  :hot:

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on June 08, 2010, 09:30:26 AM
Smokey the bear doesn't have any kids because every time his wife gets hot he beats her with a shovel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 14, 2010, 05:27:08 PM


 What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
 One costs about $1.79 and the other is under a buck.

 Two cannibals are eating a clown.  One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to    you?"

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam


 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 14, 2010, 09:46:09 PM
A cannibal is complaining to his buddy:
"I just can't get my missionaries to come out right.  I've tried grilling, boiling, broiling, baking, and roasting them, and they're still tough and stringy!"
The other cannibal asked: "What kind of missionaries are you using?"
The reply: "The ones from down by the river . . . you  know, with the brown robes and shaved heads."
Second Cannibal: "You idiot!!! Those are FRIARS!!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 15, 2010, 07:56:46 AM
Did you hear the one with Santa giving the Porn stars coal for Christmas?
They were being naughty all year.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on June 15, 2010, 08:17:18 AM
Why did the Romans stop using killing Christians at the Coliseum?


The lions were eating all their prophets.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 15, 2010, 08:40:38 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?


A nun with a spear in her back!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 15, 2010, 08:52:13 AM
What's big, fat, yellow, and can't fit through a revolving door?

300+ pound Homer Simpson.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on June 16, 2010, 07:34:50 AM
Have you heard about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Think about it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 16, 2010, 10:34:15 AM
What's black and white and red all over and won't fit through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear in her back!
That's "A nun with a spear thru her head".   :lookingup:  I think I posted that joke already, Teach.   :wink: 

What do ghosts eat?  Ghost beef and spookghetti. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 17, 2010, 01:34:33 PM
The young fellow was about to be married and was asking
his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should
have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married,
you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times
a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or
so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a
year...maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how
about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and
I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you', and I
holler back, 'Screw you too!'"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 17, 2010, 09:42:15 PM
Two guys walked into a bar, which is really stupid, because if the first one walked into it, the second one should have seen it!!!!


John Kerry walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey buddy, why the long face?"


and this one was popular here in Texas in the summer of 1993 . . .

"How do you pick up Branch Davidian women?"

"With a Dustbuster!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 25, 2010, 06:15:49 PM


Obi-Wan and Luke Skywalker go into a Chinese restaurant for dinner. A waiter seats them at a table and hands them each a menu.  The waiter comes back a few minutes later, places silverware and chopsticks on the table, and then asks for their order.

After about 20 minutes the waiter returns with their food.  Obi-Wan picks up his chopsticks and begins eating.  Luke watches Obi-Wan handle his chopsticks with ease.  Although he had never used them, Luke decides how hard could it be?  He confidently picks up his chopsticks but finds he can't pick up a single thing from his plate.  He continues fumbling and dropping food all over the place.  Obi-Wan softly clears his throat drawing Luke's attention and says:

"Luke ... use the forks.  Just use the forks ...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 26, 2010, 11:52:17 PM
A friend of mine went to a "Chop House" roadside diner with some friends, who had been bragging on the place's homemade burgers for some time.  The cook was a young guy in a sleeveless T-shirt, apron, and paper cook's hat.  Chad placed his order for a large cheeseburger with the cashier, and she called it back to the kitchen.  The cook scooped up a huge handful of raw meat, stuck it in his armpit, and vigorously raised and lowered his arm a few times, then pulled out a roughly round patty and dumped it on the grill.  Chad said "That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!!!"
The cashier replied: "You should see him make donuts!"   :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Oscar on June 28, 2010, 12:40:30 AM
A mother rabbit and a baby rabbit were in the garden eating carrots. The mother rabbit took a bite of a carrot, chewed on it a while, and said "Hmmm.. this carrot tastes a bit pithy." The baby rabbit looked up and said, "Yeth, I juth pithed on it."   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 30, 2010, 06:14:46 PM
A guy walks into an airport.  He's got 5 little kids with him.  He gets on the plane, all six of them find their seats.  Somebody asks the guy "Are all those your children?"  "No" he says, "I'm a condom salesman and those are customer complaints."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 30, 2010, 08:26:10 PM
Did you all hear about the man who had the entire left side of his body cut off?

He was all right.
I re-wrote this joke and it's now:
Did you hear 'bout the man who was split in two??  There was nothing left!  But, he was all right!   :teddyr: :bouncegiggle: :smile: :bouncegiggle: :bluesad:  :wink: :lookingup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on July 29, 2010, 10:34:41 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  One muffin says to the other muffin, "Boy, it's hot in here!"  The second muffin says: "Ohmigod!!  A talking muffin!!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 30, 2010, 09:04:54 AM
OK, there was this South African guy named Trevor and he had this underpants problem..................... ermmmm, sorry, that's reality, not a joke.  :buggedout: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 30, 2010, 12:48:01 PM
Two guys are playing golf - one is in his twenties, the other a retired guy around 70.  The young guy hits his ball behind a pine tree.  He's standing there, trying to decide what to do.  Her can't hit the ball over the tree, it's way to tall and way too close.  The old guy starts giving him a hard time, telling him "When I was your age, I'd hit it over that tree, no problem at all."  So the young guy has been challenged, he can't be a coward, so he tries to hit the ball way up over the tree.  He fails, the ball goes into the tree, rattles around in the branches, and lands in an even worse spot than it was in originally.  The old guy chuckles and says "Of course, when I was your age, that tree was only five feet tall."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on July 30, 2010, 03:10:20 PM

Had a friend of mine who got ran over by a car.  He was wide awake when it happened, but afterwards he was really tired.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on July 31, 2010, 10:34:59 PM

Athletes who have bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Hungry clocks go back four seconds.

I had a salamander once. I named him Tiny because he was my newt.




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on August 02, 2010, 09:39:24 PM
A blonde is lost in the woods... she struggles through the undergrowth... searching for a way out, and, she comes upon a river... she looks up river, she looks down river, and suddenly, she notices another blonde across the river... she shouts, waving:  "Hey...!  HEY...!!  How do I get to the other side...??"  The other blonde, across the river, looks upstream and looks downstream, shrugs her shoulders and shouts:  "You ARE on the other side!!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on August 03, 2010, 12:43:33 PM
Have you ever seen Stevie Wonder's wife?
Neither did he.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: judge death on August 03, 2010, 08:50:52 PM
Why don't police in Alabama read black suspects their rights?

In Alabama black suspects don't have rights and the police can't read.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on August 06, 2010, 10:56:20 AM
A rookie police officer was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a lieutenant on the police force already covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to a fancy dress ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'That's life and I suppose there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "Never to book a judge by his cover."





Okay okay.  I got another one.




A minister was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners, who he knew was an unkempt housekeeper.  When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. 

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.  When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yelled, to her dogs "Here Soap! Here Water!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on August 07, 2010, 08:36:38 AM
Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on August 07, 2010, 08:43:22 AM
Probably out of line, but, here goes:

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?

A mosquito stops sucking when you smack it.

Good to see you back, JK!

And now a joke(ish):

Q: What do you call an Irish mother who has just caught her three sons doing something they shouldn't be doing?

A: A multi-tisker (tisk, tisk, tisk).


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on August 07, 2010, 12:21:22 PM


Tommy needs a day off from work, but has used up his usual arsenal of excuses. So, he decides to try something different.
He calls work and says he won't be in as he has a bad case of anal glaucoma.
There is silence on the other end as his boss asks him just what anal glaucoma is ... to which he replys, " I can't see my butt coming into work today."



In light of the consideration of human cloning, we must ask the hypothetical question:
If you push your naked clone off the top of a tall building, would this be:
a) murder?
b) suicide?
c) Merely making an obscene clone fall?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on August 09, 2010, 04:32:10 AM
Why doesn't a chicken wear pants?
His pecker is on his head.

Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the s**t out of the dog.

Hear about the guy who lost his left arm and left leg in a car accident?
He's all right now.

How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
Fill it with gas.

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

How many people does it take to wallpaper a room?
Two, if they're thinly sliced

“One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an a***ole.'”
-Demetri Martin


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on September 06, 2010, 09:26:23 AM
Q: What do you call a grizzly with no teeth?



A: A gummy bear!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on October 03, 2010, 09:37:30 AM
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
 
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
 
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
 
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

 "Now we eat everybody." And they did.
 
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?   Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh** inside!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on October 04, 2010, 07:10:52 PM
Whats a spider's favorite meal?

Corn on the cobweb


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on October 04, 2010, 08:55:02 PM
A drunk man at a bar vomits all over himself.  Embarrassed by what he's done, he laments to the bartender, "Oh, my God.. I just puked all over myself.  When I get home, my wife is going to kill me!"
The bartender puts his arm around the man and says, "Don't worry.  I have an idea.  Put a 10 dollar bill in your pocket and when you get home, tell her someone ELSE puked on you, and they gave you 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The man thanks him and heads home.  When he arrives, he tells his wife, "I'm so sorry honey.. this guy puked all over me today.  But he gave me 10 bucks to get it cleaned."
The wife looks closely at the money and says, "But that's a 20 dollar bill."
He says, "Oh yeah, I forgot.  He gave me an extra 10 bucks because he sh*t in my pants, too."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 05, 2010, 01:35:36 AM

Did you hear on the next ep of Dirty Jobs, Mike Rowe is going to clean up the Discovery Channel's office?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on October 06, 2010, 02:45:38 PM
A man was dragging a chain in the streets all around town.

The sheriff stopped him and asked why he was dragging the chain.

The man replied, “Have you ever tried pushing a chain?”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on October 10, 2010, 09:16:25 PM
These are the words of an old man being nostalgic for the early years:

"Back in my day, with $3, you could go to the supermarket and get a bag of potatoes, three cartons of milk, a candy bar and a whole turkey.

I also remember there being no video-cameras back then."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 11, 2010, 07:34:46 AM
You know what's a truly terrible joke?

THIS IS!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 12, 2010, 01:51:38 AM

Okay, going to need help with this one.

A lot of people think snow and ice are bad, but you know what's worse?  Slew!

(waits for a reply)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on October 12, 2010, 11:30:54 AM
What's slew?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 13, 2010, 05:32:46 PM
What's slew?

Nothing, what's slew with you?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 13, 2010, 05:35:31 PM
They're finally getting the miners out!  You know, before they started bringing them up through the new tunnel they just did,  they had a small tunnel open where they were passing down items to help the miners get by and pass the time, like food, water, even some PSPs. 

Dunno if it's true or not, but I'm told they all came proloaded with Dig Dug.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on October 13, 2010, 06:26:30 PM
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?

He had noBODY to dance with.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 13, 2010, 09:40:55 PM
did you know that dogs are really pigs in dog suits? :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 13, 2010, 09:41:53 PM
What's slew?

Nothing, what's slew with you?

oh nothing, just planning to take over the world (insert your M. Bison/ The Brain joke here)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on October 16, 2010, 07:08:54 PM
Two necrophiliacs lying in bed
Each one wishing that the other was dead.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on October 20, 2010, 09:28:09 PM
A man walks into a bank and tells the female teller, "I want to open a f***ing bank account."
The teller furrows her brow and says, "Excuse me??"
Undaunted, the man repeats, "I want to open a f***ing bank account!"
The teller says, "Sir, I simply cannot allow that kind of language in this facility.  If you continue, I will fetch the manager."
The man, incredulous, says, "What's the big deal?  I just want to open a f***ing bank account!"
The teller storms off and returns with the manager.
The manager looks at the man and says, "What seems to be the problem sir?"
The man says, "All I want to do is open a f***ing bank account.  I have 500,000 dollars."
The manager points at the teller and says, "Oh!  And is this f***ing b*tch giving you trouble?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 21, 2010, 12:18:24 PM

Without geometry, life is pointless.

A pessimist's blood type is always B-negative.

The reading of a will is a dead giveaway.

When two egoists meet, it's I for an I.

When chemist die, we barium.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 24, 2010, 12:16:18 PM
you know it's embarrassing when a banana slips on a banana peel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on October 24, 2010, 09:20:51 PM
Q: How do you fix a jack-o-lantern that you've made a mistake on?





A: You use a pumpkin patch!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on November 08, 2010, 08:24:10 AM
Two cannibals are sitting down to dinner.
One of them heaves a big sigh.
The other asks "What's wrong?"
The first says "Oh, I just can't stand my mother-in-law."
The second one says "So? Then just eat the vegetables."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 08, 2010, 11:29:31 AM
Q: What's pimply, greasy and a disgrace to humanity?







A: Your face.  :tongueout: :tongueout: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on November 09, 2010, 10:12:01 AM
What is a hamburger's favorite dance?

The char-char.

Why are hamburgers better than hotdogs?

Because hotdogs are the wurst.

What kind of girl would a hamburger go for?

Any girl named Patty

What kind of hamburger can tell your fortune?

A medium.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 09, 2010, 07:23:57 PM
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pick it up, pull the pin and throw it back.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 09, 2010, 07:35:59 PM
Q:Who tells the worst joke?

A: Any cast members from The Big Bang Theory


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on November 11, 2010, 12:37:40 AM
I hope I didn't tell this already:

A blonde and her boyfriend attend a football game; her first.  After the referee tossed the quarter in the air to determine who would get the right to elect to receive or kick, the home team kicked the ball to the visiting team.  After a touchback the defense got on the field.  The ball was snapped and the quarterback began scrambling under pressure.  The frantic crowd began yelling, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"

The blonde stood up and yelled at the fans around her, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"
 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 11, 2010, 09:46:33 PM
Why was the snowman so happy?


'Cause the snowblower came over.  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on November 20, 2010, 08:15:12 PM
So there's this couple, and the woman is going to the guy's house to have dinner and meet his parents. Now, as she has never before encountered them, she's EXTREMELY afraid of making a bad impression.

As they start eating at the table, the woman becomes so nervous that she lets loose a fart. The father looks at her chair and says (in an aggrivated tone) "Max". The woman looks down and notices the family dog beneath her. "Phew, he thought it was the dog", she thought.

The dinner continues and the woman emits another fart. The father becomes more agitated and says: "Max, seriously!"

"This is great, I can emit as much farts as I want and the dog will get the blame!", the woman thinks.

When the dinner was about finished, the woman farts again. This time on purpose. The father, now extremely angry, gets up and yells: "Damnit Max! Get out from there before she sh!ts on you!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on November 22, 2010, 06:00:54 PM
Once a guy went to a psychologist.  and he was told he needed a roarsch blot test
So he sees the first one and says "Sex"
Second one "Sex"
third one "naked people"
4th one "sex" and so forth.
The doc says, "sir you have a real problem withh sex"
The guy says "Well you are the one flashing pornography"

and #2
A guy loved beans, but had to swear off of them due to intestinal problems.  One day on his birthday, he decided to treat himself and ate a ridiculous amount for lunch.  He goes home that afternon and his wife meets him at the door with a blindfold and tells him to sit in the dining room and wait for dinner.  So he sits and the beans start up, and he farts again and again, waving his arms around to dissapate the smell.  FInally his wife comes in and whips off the blindfold for his suprise dinner....
12 friends sitting around the table with him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 22, 2010, 11:12:37 PM
what do you get when a blonde stands on her head? A Brunette  with bad breath


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on November 23, 2010, 10:31:41 AM
Here's Uncle Miltie on the Mafia.

Israel has it's own Mafia-The Kosher Nostra

One young gangster joined the Mafia because he wanted to follow in his father's fingerprints.

New York isn't  even safe for criminals. One guy held up a bank and got mugged on the way to the getaway car.

Times are tough even for the Mafia these days. Last month they had to lay off three city councilman,


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on January 23, 2011, 11:19:00 PM
Q: What happens when you insert human DNA into a goat?


A: You get kicked out of the petting zoo.  :buggedout: :bouncegiggle: :buggedout: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 24, 2011, 12:31:18 AM
what do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn't matter, he isnt going to come to you.

where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on January 24, 2011, 02:00:14 AM

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on January 24, 2011, 03:22:56 AM

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting Doctor.

Interrupting Doc-

You have cancer.

There's the classic:

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The interrupting cow."
"The interrupting cow wh--"
"Moooooooo!"

I came up with the following joke which has never made anybody laugh but me.

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Disappointing George."
"Disappointing George who?"
"..."
Remain quiet until they attempt to punch you in the face.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 24, 2011, 03:28:16 AM
The one I've never been able to figure out:

"What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord?"
"My ass."

 :question: :question: :question:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:12:32 PM
A guy who was having his yearly physical decided to play a prank on his doctor.

When he brought a urine sample from home, he had his wife and daughter add their own to it, as well as a bit of oil from his engine, and a semen sample from him.

When the doctor called him in the office to discuss the results, the doctor told him flat out:

"OK, smart-ass, you think this joke was funny, well laugh this off---first off, your wife has VD,  your daughter's pregnant,  your car's about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop maturbating, that tennis elbow of yours is never going to heal!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:35:38 PM
If you ask a mummy to give you change for a quarter, and he hands you a dime and two nickels, what happened?



'E gypped you!!!!!!

O-hooooooooo, that was bad.   I'm telling my Mummy on you...






Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on January 24, 2011, 04:45:12 PM
Why do female paratroopers wear jock straps?
So they don't whistle on the way down...


Science has finally concluded that the Egg came first, but only after the Chicken...


There was a sailor sitting on the shore with a normal sized body and tiny head.  When one of his fellow sailors asked him what happened, he said that a mermaid appeared and said she would grant him 3 wishes.  

"What happened"? his buddy asked.  

His friend replied,  "I said to her, how about a little head"?


A nun and a priest were stuck in the desert after their camel died from lack of water.  As they both lay dying, the priest pulled up his robe and exposed himself to the nun.

"Do you know what this is, sister?  It's the Staff Of Life..."

The nun looks at the priest and says "well shove it up that camel's a*s so we can get the hell out of here!"


And finally, this one:  A woman who was totally drunk leaned over and said to the bartender, "gimme' another marshini, bud. I have such a bad case of heartburn!"

The bartender looks at her and says, "you mean, you want a martini, not a marshini, And second, you don't have heatburn, one of your t!ts is in the ashtray."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 24, 2011, 05:51:28 PM
*The Doctor knocks on your door*
You: "Who's there?"
The Doctor: "The Doctor!"
You: "Doctor Who?"
The Doctor: "Exactly!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 24, 2011, 06:52:19 PM
*Disclaimer* If you laugh at this, you'll go to hell.  :buggedout: :teddyr:


A rabbi and a catholic priest are urinating in a bathroom in two seperate urinals. The rabbi looks over to the catholic priest and notices a nicotine patch on his dick. The rabbi asks: "Why is that on your dick? Shouldn't the patch go on your arm?"

The catholic priest answers: "I'm trying to cut down from three butts to one butt a day"

 :bouncegiggle: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 07:23:24 PM
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her when she misbehaved?    They left the plunger in the toilet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 07:29:53 PM
Why did the pervert cross the road?                His d!ck was stuck in the chicken.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 24, 2011, 08:18:07 PM
*Disclaimer* If you laugh at this, you'll go to hell.  :buggedout: :teddyr:


A rabbi and a catholic priest are urinating in a bathroom in two seperate urinals. The rabbi looks over to the catholic priest and notices a nicotine patch on his dick. The rabbi asks: "Why is that on your dick? Shouldn't the patch go on your arm?"

The catholic priest answers: "I'm trying to cut down from three butts to one butt a day"

 :bouncegiggle: :buggedout:

i laughed, but i already knew i was going to hell.

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean? Bob


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 09:55:12 PM
Mommy Mommy i dont like running around in a circle.    Shut up or i'll nail your other foot to the floor.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 24, 2011, 10:00:03 PM
Mommy Mommy i dont wanna go see grandma.    Shut up and keep digging.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 24, 2011, 11:38:47 PM
Mommy mommy I hate Daddy's guts!!

Shut up and eat what's on your plate!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on January 25, 2011, 12:31:21 AM
What do you call a woman who's left leg is longer than her right?
Ilene.

What if she is from the pacific rim?
Irene.

What do you call a guy with no arms no legs tacked to your wall?
Art.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 25, 2011, 01:01:33 AM
Mommy Mommy i dont like this spaghetti. Shut up or i will rip the veins out of your other arm.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on January 25, 2011, 02:56:52 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the prairie and heard a rumble in the distance. Tonto put his ear to the ground, a few seconds later he said " buffalo come Kemosabe". The Lone Ranger asked how he knew. Tonto said "head stuck to ground".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 25, 2011, 03:08:50 AM
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along the prairie and heard a rumble in the distance. Tonto put his ear to the ground, a few seconds later he said " buffalo come Kemosabe". The Lone Ranger asked how he knew. Tonto said "head stuck to ground".

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 26, 2011, 01:48:23 AM
What is the only thing that Chuck Norris can't break?

Justin Bieber's voice.  :twirl: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 26, 2011, 08:53:15 AM
What is the only thing that Chuck Norris can't break?

Justin Bieber's voice.  :twirl: :wink:

That joke was GOOD! What's it doing on THIS thread?!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on January 31, 2011, 01:19:14 PM
I grew up in a rather abusive family.  I remember one time I was in my bedroom and my mom came in all mad at me.  She threw me on the bed and started whipping me with whatever was handy.  Through the pain I realized, "She's whipping me with my own TOYS!."  Can you just see this woman Christmas shopping?

"Yeah, that'll hurt!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 31, 2011, 09:07:55 PM
what do you call a woman with her legs and arms cut off and in the ocean? Bobbie

What do you call a man who watches Bad movies and never changes out of his underwear? (hint: he lives in South Africa)

What was the reason why the glass broke? The glass were tired of hearing Justin Beiber singing.

Worst name ever: Phillip M. Y. Crack


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on February 01, 2011, 03:14:20 AM
Roses are red, Violets are blue. At least thats what they tell me, because i'm blind.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 01, 2011, 03:16:32 AM
What do you call a man who watches Bad movies and never changes out of his underwear? (hint: he lives in South Africa)

Hmmm..............dunno.  :wink: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 01, 2011, 03:28:25 AM
Dumb, old kinda racist one:
What do you call an Asian man who can't tell the truth?
Ryan.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on February 01, 2011, 03:45:01 AM
Roses are red, Violets are blue. At least thats what they tell me, because i'm blind.


That's a John Callahan (http://www.callahanonline.com/index.php) joke! That guy is hilarious, one of the forefather's of the sick humor one panel joke.

My favorite variation of that is:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You think this will rhyme,
But it ain't gonna.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ImaginaryFoot on February 01, 2011, 04:01:49 AM
I saw that in a cartoon years ago, i think it was in Hustler :teddyr: :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on February 01, 2011, 02:28:41 PM
A drum set falls off a cliff...

*BUDUM-CHING*


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on February 09, 2011, 01:36:35 PM
what do you call a guy with a shovel in his head?
Doug.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on February 09, 2011, 07:30:33 PM

Walk like an Egyptian?

What, you mean dodging rubber bullets while throwing rocks?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 09, 2011, 08:04:05 PM
So two guys pull up at a stop light. the guy in the left lane is driving a Ferrari, but doesn't notices the gas light is on. the guy on his right is driving a beater car and has his girlfriend with him.. the left guy is signaling for a race, the other accepts. the wage was the Ferrari for the girl. the light turns green and the Ferrari stalls. the moral of the story is to never drive half blinded.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 09, 2011, 10:45:07 PM
One I heard on a tv show tonight...A sloth is assaulted by three turtles.  He calls the cops and when they arrive they ask him for a description of his assailants.  He replies, "I.....don't....know....it...all....happened....so......fast....."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 09, 2011, 10:57:58 PM
From Taxi:
Man #1: What does a yellow light mean?
Man #2: Slow down!
Man #1: What... does... a... yellow... light... mean...?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on February 09, 2011, 11:03:20 PM
Forensics: "Justin Bieber was shot to death in his dressing room only a few minutes before his show started."
Horatio Kane: "I guess the killer was...."
*Puts on sun glasses*
Horatio Kane: "JUSTIN TIME!"
The Who:
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on February 09, 2011, 11:10:07 PM

Did you guys hear about the new German oven?

It seats seven.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: 100Nights on February 10, 2011, 02:19:43 AM
From Taxi:
Man #1: What does a yellow light mean?
Man #2: Slow down!
Man #1: What... does... a... yellow... light... mean...?

Reverend Jim is man #1 played by Christopher Lloyd.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on February 11, 2011, 10:30:34 PM

How do you get Holy Water?
You boil the Hell out of it!

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro cinco

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 11, 2011, 10:45:32 PM
Not for the faint of heart or the easily offended;

A man from India moves to the States to start a new life.  Things go well for a month but all of a sudden he starts to get ill for no reason.  He goes to several doctors who have no clue what is ailing him. 

Finally one day he ends up in an office of a doctor from his homeland.  The doctor knows immediately what is wrong with him.  He tells the man to go into the bathroom, sh!t in the toilet, take a leak on top of it and to cap it off puke.  He is instructed not to flush it and to turn the personal heater in the room to 110 degrees.  Although the man finds this odd, he decides to do it.  Sure enough after spending a half hour in the room he starts to feel better.  Elated he thanks and asks to doctor what was wrong with him.

The doctor tells him he was only homesick. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 12, 2011, 12:27:59 PM

During a routine appendectomy, a man accidentally has both his testicles removed!

So, he went to his urologist to see what could be done to cosmetically correct his appearance, as well as the effect upon his performance.

The doctor offers to graft a pair of onions onto his scrotum. They're about the same size, and noone would know the difference. 

After going to see his doctor 2 weeks after the graft, he doctor gets a mixed report:

"Doc, they look great and all, and I can't tell the difference, but there's a problem."

"What?" said the doctor.

"Well, everytime I take a p!ss, my eyes start burning,  every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn, and everytime I pass a hanburger stand, I get a raging hard-on!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BoyScoutKevin on February 12, 2011, 04:54:22 PM
Visit Flam (Norway) and its sister city Flim for a double dose of Flim Flam.

Visit the Dingle Penisula (Ireland,) and you'll receive a dinner of Irish specialities. There be . . .

potato soup, potato salad, a large baked potato w/ a side order of hash browns, potato flour bread, and for dessert sweet potato pie.

Visit the Chateau de Rochecotte in the Loire Valley (France.) Once the home of Prince Tallyrand, called Tally-ho by his friends, but not to his face, and the Duchess of Dino. You can tell she was one for the dogs. "Down, Dino! Down!"

Visit the Chateau de Champchevrier and meet its owner Le Baron. They call him that to distinguishe him from his two older brothers Le Duc de Earl and Le Earl de Duc.

Visit the Alps. The Austrian Alps. The German Alps. The Italian Alps. The Swiss Alps. Actually, there is only one Alp. They have just become very proficient at taking it down at night and putting it up somewhere else in the morning.

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 12, 2011, 10:25:45 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on February 13, 2011, 12:23:59 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.

Liars. Hmm...

Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.




I don't get it...  :question:




 :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 13, 2011, 07:41:11 PM
Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.
Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  :question: :teddyr:
Don't encourage him.


A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"   :wink:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 
Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 13, 2011, 10:51:06 PM
a man is on trial for assalting two peanuts
What do you call a stingray that doesn't sting? Ray
so an elephant and a horse are at a bar. the horse orders a martini and the elephant orders a banshee. the horse then tells the elephant that they're not playing the 12 hour non-stop Halo contest.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 14, 2011, 01:23:01 AM
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant's fart??   :question:

One is a bar room.  The other is a BARROOM!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 14, 2011, 07:46:38 PM
why was the doctor frusterated at the donkey? he was a pain in the ass


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 15, 2011, 10:00:26 AM
A blonde goes to the doctor with both her ears burnt.  The doctor asks her what happened.  She replies with, “I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang.  I mistook the iron for the phone and burnt me left ear”.  The doctor then asks what happened to her right ear.  She replies with, “the sonofab!tch called back”. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Sleepyskull on February 15, 2011, 03:36:40 PM
How does a cannibal dump his girlfriend?

He flushes the toilet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 15, 2011, 06:10:47 PM

Visit Hagia Sophia in Istanbul (Turkey.) For 1000 years the biggest Christian church in the world. Till they built a bigger one in Texas. Everything is bigger in Texas, including the liars.
Liars. Hmm...
Seems they made a pretty good liar in Arkansas when Mr. Clinton said he didn't have sex with that woman....but that was OK, all of Clinton's female interns became finacially independent serving under Clinton, not to mention the wad of bill's they found in their dress pockets for their services.

I don't get it...  :question: :teddyr:

Don't encourage him.

Aww, c'mon, it was just a reminder  :wink:

A horse walks into a bar.  The bartender says: "Why the long face?"   :wink:

That's nuthin' man-I once had a dream that I ate the biggest marshmallow in the world, and when I woke up, my pillow was gone!  :buggedout:  Peace  :smile:


A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "Hey, why the long face..."...
Seems I've heard that one before...
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
Why is there a gate around the cemetary?  Because so many people are dying to get in... 
Well it was so good it deserved to be told again.


One time a female missionary went to an Indian tribe to try to gain converts.

She sees one chieftain with 100 feathers on his headdress. When she asks what it means, he smiles says "300 Indian women; f**K em' good,  s**k em' good!"

She looks at the chief and goes, "Oh dear!"  The chief replies "No, no deer, teeth too sharp, and ass too high!" 

C'mon folks, this is the terrible joke thread, right?  :bouncegiggle:     


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on February 16, 2011, 09:04:48 AM
Random guy: "Hey Horatio Kane! KNOCK KNOCK!"
Kane: "Who's there?"
Random guy: "THE!!"
*Kane puts on sun glasses*
Kane: "The Who?"
The Who: "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2011, 10:39:56 PM
what does a dentist, a miner, and a carpenter have in common? They're all drilling for something sweet.
What's the difference between a bull and a blond?
the Blond doesn't know who to charge at men.

What happens to a crushed grape? Nothing, it only lets out a little whine. (Say it out if you need to)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ghouck on February 17, 2011, 12:47:34 AM
Michael J Fox goes into a ice cream parlor and says "Gimme an ice cream". The guy behind the counter says "What flavor"? Michael J Fox replies: "It doesn't matter, I'm just going to drop it on the ground"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Joe the Destroyer on February 17, 2011, 01:13:16 AM
A woman calls her kids, a boy and a girl, into the kitchen to eat dinner.  They sit down and stare at their food, grilled sausages in buns. 

The boy takes a bite and says, "What kind of sausage is this?"

Mom says, "Oh, it's special meat.  It's venison."

"What's venison?" the girl asks.

"I'll give a hint: it's what I call your father sometimes."

The boy throws his on the table and yells, "Spit it out, Sally, it's made of a***oles!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on February 17, 2011, 10:30:12 PM
Dear God,

This year, I want a large bank account and a thin body.

Please don't mix these up like you did last year.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 17, 2011, 10:33:09 PM
A late Michael Jackson joke. 

Did you hear that Michael Jackson wanted to be cremated and put into a box of Rice Krispies?

He wanted to get the feeling of going through a 10 year old's @ss one last time.

(what?  check the title of the thread)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mr. DS on February 17, 2011, 10:39:06 PM
One more awful MJ joke I heard today...

Whats the difference between a shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is white, made of plastic and dangerous to children and the other you can carry groceries in.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on February 18, 2011, 12:09:05 AM
What do snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 18, 2011, 01:00:12 AM
what's the difference between Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj? One has some talent that a few people here like, the other looks like a robot


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doc Daneeka on February 18, 2011, 01:34:54 PM
What do middle-eastern zombies say?

BAAHHHRAAAIIIINSSSS


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril The Unfeathered on February 18, 2011, 06:46:12 PM

What did Dracula say when a fellow vampire yelled at him for accidentally stumbling into his crypt?

"It wasn't my vault.."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Newt on March 02, 2011, 10:51:54 AM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.  He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. 

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal  his stained T-shirt underneath.

With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on March 09, 2011, 02:51:20 PM
A group of 15-year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them they could ride their bikes there.  Also, Janie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice bodies and wore tight pants.

Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.





 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on March 30, 2011, 02:15:57 PM
*Disclaimer* I've got nothing against Michael Jackson. I think he's extremely talented and deserves the title of the King of Pop.

Anyway, on with the joke:

When Farah Fawcett died and went to heaven, she asked God to make sure that the children of the world are safe.




Five minutes later, Michael Jackson died.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 30, 2011, 05:50:25 PM
Santa Claus was arrested today when he allegedly pointed at three girls and went ho ho ho. news at ten.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on March 30, 2011, 07:14:35 PM
Why did the couple get a divorce the day after their 75th wedding anniversary?

They wanted to wait until all the children were dead.


Why does it not take lesbians a long time to have sex?

Because they make love lickety split.


Why do kittens make good television announcers?

Because they have wee paws for station identification.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on April 06, 2011, 12:39:44 PM
I went to my therapist and told him I had an addiction to Twitter. 

He said he didn't follow me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 06, 2011, 06:29:38 PM
There are these two neighbors who are arguing at each other, one of them complains the other guys house if full of cracks. the other guy said he's not a crack head.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on April 06, 2011, 09:47:40 PM
 :thumbdown: :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on April 06, 2011, 11:42:16 PM
A man goes to the grocery store and gets the biggest bag of dog food he can find, a 40-pound bag.  He slings it onto the counter.  The teller recognizes him as a neighbor but has never seen a dog at his house.  "Why are you getting this?" she asks.
"For my dog." he says.
"I don't think you own a dog."
"But I do!  Why won't you believe me?"
"Tell you what, bring your dog in to prove to me you own one."
Angrily, the man complies and is allowed to purchase the dog food.
The next day the same man buys the largest bag of cat food he can find, a 50-pound bag.  The teller doesn't recall seeing a cat at his house.
"Sorry, I need you to bring in your cat to prove you own one and I'll let you buy the bag."
The man leaves in a huff, returns with his cat and buys the bag.
The next day the man brings a big hefty bag full of some unknown matter.  He plops it on the counter.  The teller wrinkles her nose and asks what's in it.
"Put your hand inside and feel." the man says.
She complies and is horrified to find the bag is filled with sh*t.
The man says triumphantly, "There!  Now that I've proved I have an a**hole, I can buy toilet paper here!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A.J. Bauer on April 07, 2011, 06:50:18 AM
This entire thread right here is my joke.

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,133846.0.html

Plenty of shoe jokes to go around.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 11, 2011, 07:50:09 PM
Why did Edward from Twilight visit Narnia?

Because he's THAT far in the closet.



Why do women like jewish men?

'Cause they're 10% off.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on April 20, 2011, 07:05:43 AM
What's the difference between a slut and a b***h?

A slut sleeps with everyone, a b***h sleeps with everyone but you.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on April 20, 2011, 09:39:23 AM
What do you call 10 rabbits marching backwards?


A receding hareline.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on April 20, 2011, 07:40:55 PM


What's red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A parrot in a blender.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: WilliamWeird1313 on April 21, 2011, 03:58:38 AM
Copy-and-pasted.

I found this one on a website (URL below) I was skimming the other night, all about the folklore of death. This was in the humor section. I thought it was so terrible, yet still funny, and I figured it belonged in this thread.

Quote
There once was a man who had no arms. He decided on day that he needed a job, so he looked thru the want-ads in search of work. He saw listed "Bell ringer for local church." When he applied, the minister of the church said he didn't think he could perform the task of bellringer without arms, but he told him he would prove that he could do the job. So they went up to the bell tower and he went to the opposite side and ran as hard as he could toward the bell and banged his head against it and sure enough the bell rang, so the minister gave him the job. Everyday, year after year he rang the bell. One day he tripped and fell out of the tower. A crowd of people gathered around, one lady said "this is just horrible, does anyone know this man." A gentleman spoke up and said "I dont know his name but his face rings a bell."


source: http://www.alsirat.com/deathlore/


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on April 21, 2011, 06:22:43 PM
Why did Hitler commit suicide?

Because he saw his gas bill.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 21, 2011, 08:27:14 PM
Three football players for a big 10 college flunked their World History Exam.
They were strong, fast, good players, but had the collective IQ of a bowl of potato salad.
The coach talked to the President, the President talked to the Dean, and the Dean had a chat with the professor.  He called them all in said "OK, goons, I've been directed to give you another chance at my exam which you all flunked.  I've simplified the process a bit.  I will ask each of you one question orally and you will respond orally.  If ONE of you gets this ONE question right, all three of you will pass the class and be allowed to play.  But you must come in one at a time and not talk about the question after you've had it."
  The three went into the hall, and then one came in alone.  The professor said: "Here you go.  Simple question. What is Easter?"
  The player's face scrunched up as he thought, then lightened.  "Ooh-ooh!"  He said.  "I knows it!  That's the holiday in the fall where we roast a giant bird and hold a feast to celebrate the Plymouths landing at Pilgrim Rock!!!"
  "Wrong!" snapped the prof.  "Next!"
  The next player filed in and the prof repeated the question.  The player buried his face in his palms, thought a moment, then said "Ooh-ooh!! I knows it!! That's the big holiday in December when we put a dead tree in the living room and the fat old hippie in the red suit comes down the chimley and leaves presents for everybody!"
   "WRONG!!!" said the professor, who was by now enjoying himself immensely.  "Nest!"
   The third player stepped in.  The prof said: " Both your buddies blew it.  It's all on you now.  What is Easter?"
   Without hesitation the young man answered: "Easter is when we celebrate the Resurrection of a man named Jesus Christ.  He was crucified by the Romans two thousand years ago, and on the third day the angels came and rolled the stone away from his tomb and he came out alive again. Ever since then, every Easter, the angels come down and roll away the stone and Jesus comes out.  And if He sees His shadow we have six more weeks of bad weather!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doggett on April 30, 2011, 08:48:29 PM
Why do muppets never have casual sex?

It always comes with strings attached.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on May 03, 2011, 12:18:15 PM
Four guys had died are were waiting to get through the Pearly Gates into heaven.  To pass the time while they waited, one of them asked the others how they died. 

The first guy said, "I was really paranoid that my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early suspecting there was a man in the room with her.  I searched the whole room, but didn't find anything.  Then I saw a shadow just outside the window.  I picked up this big trunk at the foot of the bed at threw it at him.  The strain gave me a heart attack and I died." 

The Second Man said, "I had just got a job washing windows when suddenly something flew out from inside and hit me.  I lost my balance and fell to my death." 

The third guy said, "I was just out jogging, and I paused to catch my breath.  When I looked up, I saw a big trunk and some guy falling towards me."

The fourth guy looked at them and scratched his head a bit.  "Man, that's rough, but at least you guys all know how you died.  Al I know is that I was hiding in a trunk from some crazy guy and next thing you know, I'm here."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 03, 2011, 05:23:56 PM
in 1902, the first Dalmatian was spotted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on May 05, 2011, 05:24:32 AM
I just heard that Osama Bin Laden has gone green: he now has head-conditioning.  :tongueout: :twirl:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 05, 2011, 06:33:20 AM
There's a new mixed drink called the "Bin Laden" - two shots and a splash of water!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 05, 2011, 07:37:25 AM
A cricket walks into a bar and the bartender saids there's a mixed drink named after you. the cricket looks confused at the bartender and saids Why would anyone name a drink Bob?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on May 05, 2011, 07:52:01 AM
There's a new mixed drink called the "Bin Laden" - two shots and a splash of water!

 :thumbup: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Psycho Circus on July 30, 2011, 07:29:02 AM
Have you heard about the guy with herpes in his eyebrows?



He was looking for love in all the wrong places...  :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on August 14, 2011, 08:11:39 PM

Bubba and Johnny Ray were sittin' on the front porch

drinking beer when a large truck hawling rolls and rolls of sod went by.

"I'm gonna do dat when I win the lottery," said Bubba.

"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.

"Send my grass out to be mowed."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 23, 2011, 09:31:03 AM
A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing property report. He was questioned by the police: "Could you just have misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 13, 2011, 04:33:07 PM
What's the difference between a bass guitar and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up the bass.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 14, 2011, 12:38:43 PM
One day there was a man who got a new coat of paint for his car. Before leaving, the painter tells him that he has to rub vaseline all over the vehicle whenever he sees a rain storm approaching.

On that same day, the man was going over to his girlfriend's house to have supper with her and her parents. Now, there was a rule at their dinner table: nobody under ANY circumstances can speak. If one word is uttered, the person washes the dishes.

While they were eating, the man leans over to his girlfriend and kisses her on the cheek. He gets a few weird looks from her family and then they continue eating. "Hmmmm, what else can I get away with?" the man ponders. He then reaches over and grabs his girlfriend's breast. The parents look at him funny, then keep eating. The man then tears off his girlfriend's clothes and does her on the floor. After he finishes, her parents give him a dirty look, but they keep eating. The man then walks on over to the mother, throws her on the table and starts doing her. After finishing he recieves more dirty looks, but everyone keeps eating.

At this time, the man notices a storm cloud heading in their direction. Remembering what the painter told him, he reaches into his pocket and takes out the vaseline. The father then gets up and yells: "ALRIGHT, I'LL DO THE DISHES ALREADY!!!!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 19, 2011, 09:59:56 PM
Vagina jokes aren't funny...period*

*and now I'll shall be hanged by everyone here on the board  :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on September 22, 2011, 04:13:30 PM
Question: Are there too many immigrants in Britain?

17% said Yes; 11% said No; 72% said: "I am not understanding the question please."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RCMerchant on September 22, 2011, 11:26:05 PM
3 fags are sitting in a hot tub. A blob of sperm floats to the surface!
One of the queers asks-"Who farted?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: BTM on October 09, 2011, 11:32:36 PM
A mushroom walks in a bar and buys everyone a drink.  The bartender asks, "Why you buying everyone drinks?" 

"Cause I'm a fungi!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 09, 2011, 11:33:49 PM
(Can't remember if I posted this one or not)

What did the German sausage lover say after his trip to the bathroom?

"The wurst is passed!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 10, 2011, 12:05:57 AM
what do you call a person who hangs with musicians? A drummer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on October 10, 2011, 02:59:59 AM
Have you heard about those corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: FatFreddysCat on October 10, 2011, 08:31:41 AM
Q: What does a vegetarian zombie eat?

A: Grraaaaaaaaiiiiiinnnnnns!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on October 10, 2011, 12:36:00 PM
why shouldn't you wear nuclear pants?

chernobyl fallout


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on October 14, 2011, 04:48:33 AM
My first response to the Twilight movies, which I told my little brother, who is used to me saying terrible things.

"I'm not going to see that Twilight movie. If I wanted to hear teen girls screaming, I'd go and shoot up a high school."

It was a joke, I already know I'm going to hell.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on October 15, 2011, 11:35:50 AM
Now if it were me, Mofo, I'd have said "Wouldn't it be easier just to drop yer pants?"
Same effect, no date with the prison system. Well, maybe the local jail...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Cthulhu on October 26, 2011, 02:22:29 PM
So this baby seal walks into a club....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on November 23, 2011, 12:12:46 PM
Want to know a big word?
.
.
.
.
BIG!!!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on November 23, 2011, 01:56:22 PM
    Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office, yelling, "DOC, YA GOTTA HELP ME! I'M A TEEPEE, I'M A WIGWAM, I'M A TEEPEE...."

     "Mr. Schwartz, calm down, " says the shrink, "you're TWO TENTS."

     QUERY: What has four legs and chases cats?

     REPLY:  Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on December 19, 2011, 09:19:45 PM
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "can you make me one with everything?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on December 21, 2011, 02:13:30 PM
Did you hear about the Amish Flu?

There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on December 22, 2011, 02:05:27 AM
How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

At least two.  The tricky part is getting them in the light bulb.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Hammock Rider on December 22, 2011, 11:39:50 AM
Hear about Santa and his reindeer landing on top of an outhouse? Santa looked around for a moment, then hollered "No no, Rudolph! I said the SCHMIDT house!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 22, 2011, 04:05:26 PM
Did you hear about the dyslexia Satanists who worships Santa?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on December 29, 2011, 03:00:57 AM
Hey, did you hear about those corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on December 29, 2011, 08:56:59 AM
The Dali Lama walks into a pizza joint and says, "can you make me one with everything?"

To pay for the pizza, the Dali Lama hands the cashier a $50. When the cashier simply puts the money into the register, the Dali Lama asks for his change.

The cashier replies, "Change comes from within."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ChaosTheory on December 29, 2011, 09:56:14 PM
Want to know a big word?
.
.
.
.
BIG!!!!

Oh, I hate myself for laughing at that.


-What did the prism say to the light beam?
-Get bent!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on January 23, 2012, 08:47:13 AM
Allow me to break tradition.  This isn't a joke you tell, this is a joke you do to somebody. 

Tell somebody you have a great trick you want to show them, but you'll need to bill, one dollar bills, five dollar bills, ten, it doesn't matter.  (Change can also work, but I prefer using bills.)  They just need to be two of the same kind of bill. 

Once they hand you bill, tell them to examine them closely.  See if anything is strange about them.  Take both bills and put them behind your back.  Fold them a few times. However many times you do this, isn't important.  Just make it look like you're doing something with them behind your back. 

Hold one bill out in each hand and ask the person, "which one of these did you give me?  Most people will say they gave you both of them.  At that point, you tell them thanks for giving you the money, pocket them, and walk off.   Hey, they just said they gave them to you, right? 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 23, 2012, 08:56:48 AM
How do you make a bass player's car more aerodynamic?

Get rid of the friggin' Domino's Pizza sign.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 23, 2012, 01:04:33 PM
How many porn stars does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, you can be screwin light bulbs :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on January 26, 2012, 02:34:07 PM
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 02, 2012, 10:24:18 PM
What do you call the Sacred Bull? The Holy Cow!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on February 03, 2012, 02:19:26 AM
A man was feeling ill so he went to the doctor.  The doctor did a few quick tests and came back with the results. He told the man, "I'm sorry, but it looks like you have a tumor.  We can operate and remove it, but it's going to be very expensive."

The man looked and the doctor and said, "I can't afford that.  I'm broke and I don't have any insurance!" 

The doctor paused for a second and then said, "Well, in that case, you just have a headache.  Go home and sleep it off." 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 08, 2012, 08:16:33 PM
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $4990 to $6990, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Snivelly on February 09, 2012, 09:19:44 PM
Here's one I was told by a funny old lady calling for tech support:

How does oral sex taste when you get older?




Depends.





(I hope that's not to risque for this board.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 09, 2012, 10:31:41 PM
That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???   :question: 

The taste... ... :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 10, 2012, 02:12:11 AM
That reminds me...

What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer...???   :question: 

The taste... ... :twirl:

 :buggedout: :buggedout:+ :teddyr: :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 11, 2012, 12:43:52 AM
You can't spell u slaughter without us laughter

You can't spell murder without red rum


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on February 12, 2012, 09:38:05 PM
A man went into the doctor's office.  He told the doctor,"Doc.  I haven't been feeling myself latley and was hoping you could do something to help." 

The Doctor sued him for sexual harassment. 


Later while waiting outside the courtroom another man turns to him.   He says, "You're the guy who's doctor is suing him for 'not feeling himself', right?"

The first man nodded yes. 

The second man continued, "Consider yourself lucky.  I told him I was feeling a little ho(a)rse."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2012, 12:24:07 AM
two fish are in a tank and one of them said do you know how to drive one of these?

Why do hipsters hate the ocean?
It's too current.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 16, 2012, 11:25:23 PM
How does an idiot call for his dog?
He puts two fingers in his mouth and then shouts Rover.

A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says "Hey."
The horse says "Sure."  :wink:

What's the difference between a tennis ball and the prince of Wale's?
One is heir to the throne and the other is thrown into the air.

What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Have you heard the joke about the bed?
It hasn't been made up yet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on February 17, 2012, 02:22:31 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  The first muffin says to the second muffin: "Whew!  It's hot in here!" 
The second muffin exclaims: "Ohmigod!  A talking muffin!!" 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 17, 2012, 05:18:36 PM
Two muffins are in an oven.  The first muffin says to the second muffin: "Whew!  It's hot in here!" 
The second muffin exclaims: "Ohmigod!  A talking muffin!!" 
must be a good joke to pass around, eh?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on February 20, 2012, 12:25:20 AM
why were the travelers annoyed at the donkey?
he was a pain in the ass.

what do you call a man with no arms, no legs, inside a box?
you call him Jack. and you find him in the box


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on March 21, 2012, 03:53:02 PM
A little girl down the road went missing this morning. Her parents asked everyone in the neighborhood to help search for her

They didn't seem too impressed when I came out of my house wearing my scuba gear.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 21, 2012, 05:27:16 PM
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with STAR WARS.  I told her "May Divorce be with you."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flick James on March 29, 2012, 09:31:40 PM
Here's an moldy oldie.

Q: What did the hippy say to the invisible man?

A: "You're outta sight, man."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 22, 2012, 09:57:14 PM
here's one I found on 9gag:

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 22, 2012, 09:59:57 PM
Jokes guaranteed to get you in trouble with your spouse/girlfriend:

What's the only thing worse than a male chauvenist pig?

A woman who won't do as she's told.

If a man hits his wife with his car, whose fault is it?

The man's, he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen!

And, in the interest of gender balance, here is one for the ladies:

What's the difference between a man and a savings bond?

A savings bond matures!

 :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on April 22, 2012, 11:00:37 PM
Why is there no gambling in Africa?
Too many cheetahs!

What game would you play with a wombat?
wom

Guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under arm. Says to the bartender: "I’ll take a beer here, and one for the road."

There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says
‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

What did the 0 say to the 8?
"Nice belt." 

What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
Wipes his butt



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 23, 2012, 02:06:35 AM
Courtesy of a Jeffrey Ross (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeffrey_Ross) show I recently went to:

We all agree that Steve Jobs' death marks the passing of a true American icon. In fact, the only thing that didn't want to work for Steve Jobs was his pancreas.

Too soon?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: RobFilm on April 23, 2012, 10:29:15 AM
I saw this online today,

Life is like a box of chocolates, it doesn't last long for fat people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on May 05, 2012, 03:44:34 AM
This was the last joke I told that I couldn't get through without giggling like a schoolgirl, and I pride myself on my straight face.

I'm not a fan of sweets. I just don't like them, they have no appeal to me. So when I'm at the store, I don't even bother with junk food like Twinkies or cookies. Instead, I head towards things like peanuts. Yes, I buy the unsalted peanuts, because that's what I enjoy eating.

So here's the phrase I have about myself:

"Rob Steele: Bypasses the junk, goes straight for the nuts!"

I'll never find that not funny, and the double entendre of "nuts" will always make me laugh.

Stupid? You betcha! I'm still giggling about it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on May 05, 2012, 07:03:07 AM
I got in trouble at school as a first grader for repeating this joke my uncle told me.

What happened to the Indian who drank too much tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 05, 2012, 11:53:42 PM
My friend Ray is FOREVER telling that stupid joke . . . . and I always laugh! :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on May 07, 2012, 07:49:19 AM


If vegetarians eat vegetables,  what do humanitarians eat?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 07, 2012, 07:50:31 AM
Do you want to play the rape game? No? That's the Spirit!!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on May 07, 2012, 09:01:32 PM
How did MOSES make his tea? 

Hebrews it. 


That joke was bad, but jokes about German sausage are the wurst!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on May 07, 2012, 09:45:48 PM
I went to my doctor the other day.  I told him, "Doc, every single morning after I wake up I go to the bathroom, look in the mirror, and then i vomit into the sink.  What's wrong with me?"

He said, "I don't know, but it's definitely not your eye sight." 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 07, 2012, 10:04:41 PM
This guy goes to the doctor with food hanging from his nose, his ears, his forehead, and says "Doc, you gotta help me.  I'm hungry all the time!"

Docs sez: "No wonder, you're not eating right!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Texdar on May 10, 2012, 08:33:01 AM
Boobs without nipples are pointless.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2012, 05:14:15 PM
So a hooker offered to do anything for $20.00- guess who got his room cleaned! :tongueout:

So when someone at my house if we have a bathroom, I say 'No, we just Sh!t in the yard!'

They say I would miss my family, but I never miss at close range.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 17, 2012, 06:03:08 PM
Dear algebra,

Please quit asking us to "find your x."  It's obvious she's not coming back.  Time to move on!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2012, 07:21:08 PM
Dear algebra,

Please quit asking us to "find your x."  It's obvious she's not coming back.  Time to move on!


no, I did find X:
(http://www.guzer.com/pictures/findx.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on May 18, 2012, 10:00:17 AM
So a hooker offered to do anything for $20.00
I met one of those too!  Really though, it wasn't worth it.  Next year I'm going to have to go with a reliable accountant to do my taxes for me. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 20, 2012, 05:43:22 PM
Can February March?
No, but April May!

Where do you drown a Hipster?
In the mainstream.

Mexican Jokes and Black Jokes are the same;
Once you heard Juan, you heard Jamal

What do you call a person without a body but with a nose?
Nobody knows!

When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was Shocked!

What does a mermaid bring to her math class?
Her algae-bra!

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
an investigator!

What did the buffalo say to his son when he went off to college?
Bison.

A friend showed me a rage comic on the internet, but I already Reddit.

I gave away my dead batteries, free of charge!

I'm so bright, my mum calls me son!!

Change is hard, have you ever tried to bend a coin?!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 23, 2012, 06:39:12 AM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Psycho Circus on May 23, 2012, 07:18:01 AM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)

Oooh tasteful....tsk, tsk.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 25, 2012, 07:44:43 PM
I'm thinking maybe Rihanna should start dating LaBron James.  Everyone knows he can't beat anybody.
(Of course, he wouldn't have any rings to give her!)
that reminds me: Rihanna has an IQ of 117. Can you beat her?
Chris Brown: I already did.


20+ years ago, there was sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
now there's only AIDs, crack, and techno.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Raffine on May 25, 2012, 08:00:41 PM
20+ years ago, there was sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
now there's only AIDs, crack, and techno.

Sadly but truthfully - it's more like 40 years ago...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 25, 2012, 10:30:19 PM
When Ronald Reagan was President, we had Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now that Obama is President, we have no cash and no hope.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JaseSF on May 26, 2012, 12:51:49 AM
I've seen the same thing but here in Canada, they change the names from Ronald Reagan to Pierre Trudeau and Obama to Stephen Harper.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 26, 2012, 10:25:26 AM
My bed time is at 7:00, I go to bed at 7:05! (total bad ass here)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 07, 2012, 07:40:10 PM
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred.
the top answer was "How did you get in here you creep?!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 07, 2012, 08:05:55 PM
These aren't "terrible jokes".  They're just not jokes.   :thumbdown: :hatred: 


How did MOSES make his cup or tea? 
Hebrews it. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 07, 2012, 11:42:04 PM
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it will take a long time and the light bulb must really want to change.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Three; one to lay hands on it and two to catch it when it falls out!

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Change?  CHANGE?????

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
SO WHAT ARE YOU REALLY TRYING TO SAY???


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 08, 2012, 08:06:21 AM
What did the Apple say to the Banana?
Nothing, Fruits can't talk.

How many Roaches does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they all scatter when the light comes on.

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk.

what happens when a frog parks illegally?
the car gets toad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 08, 2012, 07:05:45 PM
Have you heard of the Salmon flu? the details are a little fishy currently.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on June 11, 2012, 02:32:04 AM
When Ronald Reagan was President, we had Johnny Cash and Bob Hope.
Now that Obama is President, we have no cash and no hope.

True enough, but to be fair, it only took two years of the Bush administration to kill both of those off.

Bob Hope (d. 7/27/03)
Johnny Cash (d. 9/12/03)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 11, 2012, 08:13:31 AM
OK, I'll concede that was pretty funny!  Now I can't use that joke anymore . . . . :bluesad:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on June 12, 2012, 03:42:25 PM



Did you hear about the hitchhiker who never seemed to get anywhere?  He liked to get on the road early to avoid the traffic.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 19, 2012, 10:03:46 PM
What did the piece of bread say to the other piece of bread as they're having sex?
I'm gonna crumb, I'm gonna crumb!

(for visual version- http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/ProductImages/PS_0236_GONNA_CRUMB.jpg (http://www.badideatshirts.com/Assets/ProductImages/PS_0236_GONNA_CRUMB.jpg))


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Venomx73 on June 19, 2012, 10:05:00 PM
(http://www.daveandthomas.net/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/Crom-Conan.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 19, 2012, 10:07:25 PM
 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: Teeheee, that's funny! :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 21, 2012, 09:08:57 PM
Son: Father, what's for dinner?
Father: Wookie Steak!
Son: Is it any good?
Father: It's a little Chewy.

(http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/409003_294508363948576_1210031546_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Venomx73 on June 21, 2012, 09:38:48 PM
Son: Father, what's for dinner?
Father: Wookie Steak!
Son: Is it any good?
Father: It's a little Chewy.

([url]http://sphotos.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/409003_294508363948576_1210031546_n.jpg[/url])


now thats funny :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 27, 2012, 06:14:59 PM
My wife has been missing for two weeks now.  This morning the sheriff came by and told me I should be prepared for the worst. :buggedout:

Drat!  Now I have to go get all her stuff back from GoodWill. :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 27, 2012, 11:45:57 PM
I'm a pacifist alright, I'm about to pass a fist across your face!

A jazz group plays 1000 notes for 3 people, a rock group plays 3 notes for 1000 people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 21, 2012, 12:26:32 PM
this is my joke here:
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/545301_403141663085245_1585099011_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on July 23, 2012, 12:40:37 PM
Why couldn't the wrestler set a fire?

He lost all his matches.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 26, 2012, 11:47:34 PM
Dude, that camping trip was..in tents (say it out loud if you have to)

People say that anything that deals with Jesus is sacred, including his poo- it's the Holy Sh!t!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Saucerman on August 04, 2012, 09:28:14 PM
Two drums and a cymbal set fall off a cliff.

Ba-dump ksssshhhhhh.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 07, 2012, 05:00:35 PM
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress is Congress?  :buggedout: :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on December 07, 2012, 06:10:31 PM
what do you call cheese that's not yours?

someone else's cheese.


two nuns in the bath, one says "where's the soap?"

the other replies "are you blind, it's over there in the soap-dish".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 07, 2012, 06:53:54 PM
So I looked up at one of my 8th graders today, and he had just pulled the sole of his shoe clean off!  I shook my head sadly, and said "You've lsot your sole!! What will it profit you now if you gain the whole world?"

Upon reflection, he sold me his sole for a quarter.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on December 08, 2012, 09:54:10 AM
I am thinking about burying his sole in the earthen bank of my stock tank.
Then I can truly say I dammed his sole.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Doc Daneeka on December 10, 2012, 02:27:51 PM
Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Better question, is Fincher afraid of The Human Centipede?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 13, 2012, 10:05:54 PM
Hot new Single, it's called "I ride my" by Cycle!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on December 16, 2012, 01:18:40 PM
If the opposite of pro is con, then is the opposite of progress is Congress?  :buggedout: :tongueout:

At this point in our country's history, I believe you may be onto something there!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on December 16, 2012, 01:21:49 PM
OK, a truly bad joke?

Miss Crabtree asked Buckwheat to use the word "dictate" in a sentence.

Buckwheat's eyes lit up with enthusiasm as he stood up and said "Darla says my dictate good!"

Hey, c'mon guys, it said this is the truly terrible joke thread!  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 16, 2012, 03:44:35 PM
To those who thinks that the world will end on December 21, please drop off your valuables at my house.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on December 19, 2012, 11:25:55 PM
Here's yet another pic-pun
(http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/521748_198830416919238_1835623371_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on December 20, 2012, 07:48:45 AM
Why do they always boil water when a woman is giving birth?
In case it's stillborn, they can make stew.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: lester1/2jr on December 20, 2012, 09:29:22 AM
What did George Washington say to his men before they got on their horses? Men, get on your horses.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Ed, Ego and Superego on December 27, 2012, 01:12:49 PM
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?




A carrot


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 07, 2013, 04:32:53 PM
So a priest, a rabbi, and a Hindu walks into a bar, they now all have bruises on their foreheads.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 07, 2013, 05:04:41 PM
What did ben Franklin say to Thomas Jefferson in the bathroom on July 4, 1776?

"America, you're a nation!"  (say it fast) :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 07, 2013, 07:32:01 PM
I already posted this in the Grinds my Gears thread, but it's still funny  :teddyr:
I sincerely hate it when you compliment on a nice mustache...and then she's not your friend anymore!  :hatred: :tongueout:

Whats Beethovens favorite fruit? BANANANAAAAA!!


How do you cook toilet paper?
You brown it first, then put it in the bowl. :tongueout:

What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you use a feather, perverted is when you use the whole chicken.

And finally, a pun pic
(http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/734286_489867634412647_422017429_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 17, 2013, 08:44:05 PM
A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?” He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: “Paint…my…house.”

Question: What’s the difference between “Beer Nuts” and “Deer Nuts”? Answer: “Beer Nuts” are a dollar twenty-five and “Deer Nuts” are under a buck


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: JoeTheDestroyer on January 17, 2013, 09:10:24 PM
Someone stole all of the toilets out of the local police department.  Cops have nothing to go on.

The same crook allegedly cut a hole in a nearby nudist colony's fence.  Police are looking into it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on January 19, 2013, 11:15:03 PM
How is a politician like a BANANA? 
They start out GREEN. 
Then, they turn YELLOW. 
By the time they're done... rotten! 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 21, 2013, 04:04:00 PM
How is a politician like a BANANA? 
They start out GREEN. 
Then, they turn YELLOW. 
By the time they're done... rotten! 

Amen to that one, friend.  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 21, 2013, 04:08:11 PM

So, let's see....Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton decide to rob a bank.

Jimmy Carter says "OK, let's open the safe and tie up the tellers.."
Bill Clinton says "What about the women and children"?
Jimmy Carter says "Aww..screw the women and children!"
Ted Kennedy says, "Jimmy, please don't give Bill and ideas again!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on January 22, 2013, 01:58:21 PM
When is a door not a door?  When it's ajar. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on January 22, 2013, 02:20:05 PM
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 22, 2013, 02:21:35 PM
So a dyslexic guy walks into a bra...
and he's Satanic, he worships Santa. :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 22, 2013, 05:51:49 PM
He saw a robber coming into the bank and said "Look out! He's got a nug!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 23, 2013, 10:13:32 PM
When is a door not a door?  When it's ajar. 

Oooooooo....... :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on January 24, 2013, 03:06:19 AM
When is a clean pair of undies not clean.

When it belongs to Trevor.  :twirl: :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on January 24, 2013, 01:37:02 PM
A man goes into a butcher shop and says, "I bet ya $350 that you can't reach that piece of meat," pointing at a cut of beef hanging just slightly above the butcher.  The butcher looks up and says, "No way."

The guy says, "Why not?"

The butcher says, "The steaks are too high!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on January 24, 2013, 03:04:23 PM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 24, 2013, 05:26:45 PM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...

Really, that seems to be short. :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 24, 2013, 08:55:10 PM
Did you hear about the kidnapping?


It's OK, he woke up! :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on January 24, 2013, 09:34:36 PM

One of the Three Stooges started his own landscaping business...he Moes lawns....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on January 25, 2013, 04:06:51 AM
Wanna hear a joke about my penis?

Nevermind, it's too long...

Really, that seems to be short. :wink:

I heard about that joke online, and really I can not verify that anybody has had a hands-on experience other than the original poster.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 22, 2013, 09:16:42 PM
When I found out that my toaster wasn't waterproof, I was Shocked!

Never trust an atom, they make up everything!

Why did the bicycle fall down? It was two tired.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 22, 2013, 11:44:27 PM
I saw a thirtysomething guy sitting on a park bench watching the children play.
I asked; "Which one of them is yours?"
He said: "I haven't decided yet."  :buggedout: :buggedout: :buggedout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2013, 11:52:56 AM
A window fan and vacuum cleaner were having an argument one time:

"You suck!" said the window fan.


"Oh yeah"? said the vacuum cleaner, "well you can blow me"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2013, 11:57:50 AM

While they were waiting to be served up, a hotdog was laying on a plate next to a pair of rolls on the counter top. 

The hotdog looks over at the rolls and says, "nice buns".
The one roll looks at the hotdog and says "what a weenie"....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 04, 2013, 08:05:17 PM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 05, 2013, 12:49:43 AM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

That reminds me of the comment Stephen King made concerning the devil child in Rosemary's Baby that little Andy would need a custom made baseball cap later in life to accommodate his horns.  :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 05, 2013, 09:06:57 PM
From one of my students:

"Did you know that if you watch CINDERELLA backwards, you get to see the story of a woman who learns her place in life?"

If you watch Titanic backwards, it's about a magical ship that comes from the sea to help people.

If you watch Twilight backwards, it's still crap.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: pizdatrica on April 06, 2013, 07:53:06 AM
And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on April 09, 2013, 12:21:29 PM
I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 10, 2013, 06:48:18 AM
And if you watch The Shawshank Redemption backwards, it's about a guy who escapes from a storm by breaking into a prison.

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

See my quote below:  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on April 10, 2013, 06:49:41 AM
I have a dyslexic friend. I can't get drunk around him because whenever I do he draws a forehead on my penis.

 :buggedout:+ :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 17, 2013, 09:50:51 PM
A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
 7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 20, 2013, 01:20:29 PM
A college student was taking a biology test and was stumped on the final question.  The question was all-or-nothing - no partial credit given - and was worth 40 points.  It read:
"NAME SEVEN ADVANTAGES OF NATURAL BREAST MILK OVER FORMULA"

The first six were easy.
1.  It contains the perfect nutritional blend for infants.
2. It helps develop the baby's immune system.
3. It is always the correct temperature.
4. It is readily available.
5. It is inexpensive to produce.
6. It helps bond mother to child and vice versa.

But there he was stumped.  Try as he might, he could not remember the last reason.  Finally, he wrote:
 7. It comes in two attractive containers, and is stored high enough that the cat cannot get at it.

He not only got it right, he got extra credit!

HAHAHAHA!!!!  :bouncegiggle:    :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 20, 2013, 01:27:48 PM

A man had to have both of his testicles removed due to advanced cancer, and he was concerned about his appearance.  The doctor said that a radical new transplant wiht onions was being implemented, because this particular variety was small enough and the right size and shape to look like the real thing.

"OK" said the guy, "let's do it"!

A month after his release from the hospital, the man goes for his checkup...."Doc, that's the WORST idea you ever had".  "Every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on,  every time I take a p**s my eyes water, and every time my wife gives me a BJ she gets heartburn"!

 :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 21, 2013, 01:54:43 PM
On his 90th birthday a man opened the door to find a hot young stripper standing there, courtesy of his grandson.

"I'm here to provide you a super thrill," the stripper told him.

"Well, at my age," said the old man, "I better be safe and take the soup...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 21, 2013, 03:31:44 PM
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly going over it.

And then there's this:
(https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/315540_588375071172885_240569370_n.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 24, 2013, 08:29:42 PM
A guy was sitting in a bar when this huge bruiser of a man walks up to him and kicks him in the face. 

"What was that for?!?" said the guy.
"That was my Karate from Okinawa"!

5 minutes later, the guy gets attacked again, and this time it was a chop to the back of the neck, an down he goes again.

"Now what was THAT for?!?"
"That was my Kung-Fu from China"..

The little guy leaves the bar and cmes back an hour later, and from behind, WHAM!!! he hits his attacker and down he goes, out like a light. Proud of himself, the little guy says:

"When that son-of-b***h comes to, you tell him that was my sledgehammer from Sears Roebuck!" 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 25, 2013, 04:19:14 AM
Text to my brother (and hopefully all my texts to my brother will never be published).

"I don't understand why people are still starving in this country when the animal shelter is giving dogs away for free."

His response:

"I'm not eating your cooking anymore. You said the same thing about the adoption agency."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 25, 2013, 07:18:31 AM
^LOL, That's hilarious!  :bouncegiggle:

A penguin is driving along the highway when, suddenly his engine starts running rough and he sees smoke in his rear view mirror. He pulls off the highway and finds the nearest service station, and pulls up to the garage with the car shaking and sputtering. He tells the mechanic what happened, and the mechanic says "OK, give me 10 minutes to check it out."

Meanwhile, the penguin sees an ice cream shop across the street. Thinking this is a perfect time for a tasty treat, he heads over and gets himself an ice cream cone.

After he finishes, he walks back over to the garage, and asks the mechanic "So, did you find out what's wrong?"

The mechanic looks at the penguin and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin quickly wipes his face and says "Oh, no, that's just the ice cream."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on May 01, 2013, 09:22:19 PM
A man decided to play a prank on his wife's doctor.
His wife and daughter were due for their yearly female check-ups.

So, the man took his wife's urine sample, replaced it with his OWN and put some used oil in it, as well as masturbating into it. He never did anything to his daughter's sample.

So the doctor called the house a week later and said spoke to the husband about the results.

"OK, smart-ass, here's the deal: Your daughter is pregnant, your car is about to throw a rod, and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never going to heal."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 04, 2013, 04:01:23 PM
Rick Astley will loan you most of his Pixar films except one: He will never give you Up. :tongueout:

My dyslexic gay friend loves to suck spine.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on June 04, 2013, 11:48:32 AM
A group of circus animals walk into a bar.  The bartender looks up and says, "What do you want?"

The monkey says, "I'm really thirsty but I don't have any money.  If you give me a drink, I promise I'll come back and pay you tomorrow."  the bartender thinks about this for a second, then he gives the monkey a drink. 

Then he asks the elephant, "What do you want?"
The elephant says, "I don't have any money right now, but I get paid tomorrow.  If you give me a drink, I'll  come back and pay you then."  The bartender thinks about this for a second, and then pours the elephant a drink. 

Then he asks the bear what he wants.  The bear also tells him he doesn't have any money, but can come back and pay the man tomorrow.  The bartender gives him a drink too.  The same thing happens for the seal, the zebra, and the tiger. 

Then the bartender asks the lion what he wants.  The lion says he doesn't have any money, but can pay the man tomorrow. 

Thew bartender says, "No." 

The Lion looks at him and says, "Everybody else got a drink without paying today, why can't I?" 

The bartender says, "They might be telling the truth, but I'm pretty sure that you're a lion (lyin') ."   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on June 04, 2013, 02:46:03 PM
Here's a joke- "Light Beer. Might as well call it Diet Alcoholic Water."

Thank you dad!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 04, 2013, 06:07:50 PM

A duck went into a bar and after ordering a round for the entire tavern, he told the bartender to put it on his bill.....


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 04, 2013, 06:18:08 PM
The day after the shuttle Challenger blew up, one of the guys on my ship was telling this:

"What does NASA stand for?"
"Need another seven astronauts!"

We really dogged on him for it at the time, but 30 years later it is kinda funny.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 05, 2013, 12:52:06 AM

One time a guy pulled into this bar and saw a sign that said "Parking In The Rear" and decided to go in until he realized that was the name of the bar...

The German word for 'bra" is "Shtoppemfromfloppen".

A ditty bag is what you put your ditties in. If you have bigger ditties, you'll need a bigger ditty bag...




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 05, 2013, 02:14:42 AM
Th worst joke I have ever heard is Shane Black's terrible joke to Sonny Landham in Predator: the one about the echo.  :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on June 05, 2013, 03:05:40 AM
Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they're ugly and smelly!

(My apologies to women, but truthfully, they're the only people who ever laugh at that joke.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on June 07, 2013, 01:03:05 AM
Hey!  Have you heard the joke that they don't tell morons?  





Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on June 09, 2013, 05:58:40 AM
Hey!  Have you heard the joke that they don't tell morons?  


Along those lines:

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I'll tell you later.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on June 09, 2013, 06:00:29 AM
If I had a nickel for every time I said "If I had a nickel...", I'd be ten cents richer now.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 27, 2013, 12:07:58 PM
An Eskimo takes his car to the mechanic.

Mechanic says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

Eskimo says "No, that's just frost on my mustache."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 27, 2013, 12:58:08 PM
A sadist and a masochist meet.

The masochist says, "Hurt me!"

The sadist says, "No."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on June 27, 2013, 01:35:50 PM
Ever seen a plastic a** hole?

Give me your driver's license and I'll show you one.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 27, 2013, 01:54:38 PM
 A fan and a vacuum cleaner were having an argument:

"You suck!" said the fan.

"Oh yeah, well blow me!" said the vacuum cleaner   :cheers:



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on June 27, 2013, 07:58:28 PM
You know, it's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs.  They always take things literally. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on June 29, 2013, 10:54:56 AM
Th worst joke I have ever heard is Shane Black's terrible joke to Sonny Landham in Predator: the one about the echo.  :buggedout: +  :teddyr: :teddyr:

Oh yes....the one where Sonny breaks out laughter after Black explains the punch line to him.  Not to mention the one he told at the beginning, where hae says he asks his girlfriend for a little ***sy and she says "me too, mine's a s big as a house!".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 08, 2013, 04:24:59 AM
I have no idea why this next joke makes me laugh so much, but I giggle every time I remember it.

So a young man has a date lined up and he is extremely nervous. He asks his father for advice and he tells him, "There are three conversational gambits that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy."

So he goes on the date, and it's just nothing but awkward silences. Clearly a train wreck, but then he remembers his father's advice.

He asks his date, "Do you like potato pancakes?" She replies, "No." and then they're right back to the awkward silence.

He asks, "Do you have a brother?" With an audible sigh, she answers "No."

Last gambit, he asks, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 08, 2013, 05:12:50 PM
Heard what happened to the fireworks store that caught on fire? It went out with a BANG!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 09, 2013, 03:26:47 AM
Why is Six afraid of Seven?

Better question, is Fincher afraid of The Human Centipede?

Q: Why is six afraid of seven?
A: Because seven has cold, dead eyes.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on July 09, 2013, 03:47:12 AM
This is a joke I got from The Amazing Jonathan (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Amazing_Johnathan) off the extras of The Aristocrats (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Aristocrats_%28film%29) DVD. He told as his litmus test joke to find out whether the person he was talking to was cool. I've found it fits that bill rather well.

So a guy is meeting an old friend he hasn't seen for quite a while. He meets him at a restaurant, and when his friend walks in he has this gigantic and round orange head. Alarmed, he immediately asks what's up with the gigantic orange head.

"That my friend, is a long story.

"What happened, is I found a bottle on the beach. Curious, I picked it up and rubbed some of the sand off of it. Immediately a genie popped out and claimed that he would grant me three wishes.

"My first wish was for untold riches. What happened is that a patent for a new technology I was working on was granted, and I was able to leverage that into a multinational corporation that is the height of the business world, I'm a millionaire multiple times over.

"My second wish was for true love. As a result of my business success, I met a beautiful, intelligent woman. We've married and we've got two beautiful children, I could not possibly be happier."

The guy is considerably impressed, but he still has to ask about the head.

"Well, that brings me to my third wish, and here's where I think I went horribly wrong. What I did is wish for a giant round orange head."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on July 09, 2013, 10:57:51 AM
The sign said janitors lounge. 

So we did. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 19, 2013, 11:22:11 PM
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile. :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 21, 2013, 04:07:25 PM
During class, a teacher asked the boys the following question: "If you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the restroom?"

A boy named Michael raised his hand first and said, "I would tell her, just a minute, I have to go pee really quick, I'll be right back!" "That would be very rude and impolite," the teacher responded.

Next a boy named Peter raised his hand and said, "Excuse me, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table," replied the teacher.

Then, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I would say darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner!" The teacher fainted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on July 27, 2013, 11:35:17 AM
So, I've been dating a magician lately. She's pretty good too. The other day we were driving, and she started rubbing my leg. I turned into a motel.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on July 27, 2013, 11:58:28 AM
(http://cdn.wwtdd.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/George-Zimmerman-and-His-Attorney-Don-West-Chuckling.jpg)

"Knock, knock," West said.
"Who's there? George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who? Congratulations, you're on the jury."


Now that folks - is a truly terrible joke


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 29, 2013, 12:56:38 AM
I had pelican curry the other day. The meal was nice but the bill was enormous.  :wink: :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on July 30, 2013, 02:09:02 AM
What's green and smells like bacon?
Kermit's fingers!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: VenomX73 on July 30, 2013, 08:36:52 AM
(http://images.wikia.com/muppet/images/b/b6/MadEyedPiggy-MFS.jpg)

Miss Piggy: HEeeeY!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on July 31, 2013, 11:30:28 AM
DAD: "What did you do at school today, Johnny?"

JOHNNY: "I had sex with my teacher."

DAD: "Ha-ha...what are you, 14 years old? And you had sex with your teacher? That's my boy! Tell you what, I'm gonna buy you that shiny red bike you've been saving up for, lets go get it now and you can ride it home!"

JOHNNY: "I don't think so Dad, my ass still hurts."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 31, 2013, 12:04:38 PM
^My body hurts from laughing so hard!  :bouncegiggle:




Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 23, 2013, 09:29:06 PM
I don't always use Titanic jokes, but when I do, I use them to break the ice.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 23, 2013, 09:37:57 PM
What's the name of the devil's house?

Fallen Graceland.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on September 27, 2013, 12:42:03 PM
You guys hear about the girl who got lost in King Tut's tomb?

Nine months later she was a mummy!   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on November 12, 2013, 01:24:14 PM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on November 18, 2013, 01:14:34 AM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on November 19, 2013, 01:05:52 PM
A guy is taking his girlfriend to the prom.  He waits a long time in line, but he eventually gets the tickets.  He goes to rent a suit and there's a really long line at the shop, so he has to wait.  Eventually he gets a suit.  Then he goes to rent a limo.  There's a really long line, but eventually he gets a limo.  Finally he goes to buy her flowers.  There's a long line at the florists, but he eventually gets the flowers. 

Arriving at the prom, his date says she's thirsty and asks him to get her a cup of punch.  He goes to the table and is surprised. 

There's no punchline. 

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr:


Oooooo....that one was bad!   :bouncegiggle:

So, one day, a young boy asked his father for advice about sex, and how he should prepare for it. His father told him to go in the woods and find a tree with a hole in it, and do the usual thing.  He goes and does that. 

And so a few days later when he was with his girlfriend, he tells her to bend over, and when she does, he kicks her in her ass as hard as he can.

"What the hell was that for?" she screams

He says "I'm not stupid, this time I'm checking for bees!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 19, 2013, 03:27:40 PM
How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on November 24, 2013, 09:05:21 AM
I like your name.

Thanks, I got it for my birthday.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on November 24, 2013, 11:51:00 PM
What's the difference in a neutered puppy and a southerner talking about the Civil War?

Eventually the puppy will quit whining about what he lost.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on November 25, 2013, 12:11:10 AM
ROFLMAO!! That is a good one!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on November 25, 2013, 12:45:40 PM
      Guy bursts intio a psychiatrist's office, running around in a circle, waving his arms in the air, and yelling, "DOC! You gotta help me! I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam-"

     Calm down, sir", says the shrink, "You're TWO TENTS!"

What has four legs and chases cats?

Mrs. Katz and her lawyer.

      A dentist is preparing to close his office for the weekend when he notices he's out of Novacaine. His assistant has already left, and his wife is waiting to join him for a weekend getaway, so he figures he'll order more on Monday.

  Just as he's headed to the door, there's a loud knocking. He opens it, and a man rushes in, exclaiming, "Doc, I broke a tooth, and you gotta take out what's left!"

The doctor explains to the man that he's just leaving, and besides, he has no anesthetic. The guy says, "I don't care, I can take the pain". So, impelled by the wad of hundreds the man produces, the dentist goes to work. Sure enough, the man never so much as grunts.

      Impressed, the dentist says, "I've never seen anyone deal with pain like that before". "That's nothin'," says the man, "once, I was out hunting, and I accidentally sat on a beartrap". "WOW", exclaims the dentist, "that must have been the worst pain you've ever felt!"  "Nope," says the man, "the worst pain was when I jumped up, ran three steps, and hit the end of that chain."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on February 22, 2014, 05:49:08 PM
A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Josso on February 23, 2014, 12:33:07 PM
What do lawyers wear?

Law suits.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on February 23, 2014, 04:55:02 PM
two nuns having a bath
suddenly there's a knock on the door
"who is it?" one nun shouts
"it's the blind man" came the reply
well they thought if he's blind there's no point getting dried and
dressed, so they told him to come in.
"where would you like these blinds?" asked the man


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on February 24, 2014, 03:52:31 AM
Don't remember if I told this blonde joke here:

A man takes his blonde girlfriend to a football game.  The ref pulls out a quarter and tosses it into the air to determine who defends which goal.  The home team wins and defers.  On the first offensive play from scrimmage the visiting team's quarterback drops back to pass and is harassed by the defense.  The man next to the couple yells, "Get the quarterback!  Get the quarterback!"
The blonde shushes him and exclaims, "Calm down!  It was only a quarter!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on February 27, 2014, 05:48:36 PM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on February 28, 2014, 03:32:32 AM
A guy bought a ticket to the zoo.  He headed to the monkey cages first, but when he got there they were empty.  Then he headed to the reptile house, but it didn't have any reptiles in it either.  He looked around but there were no giraffes, no hippos, no alligators, no zebras, no nothing.  The only animal he could find it the whole zoo was a dog.  

It was a sh*tzu.




(sorry if the board censor messes up the punchline a little.)

 :bouncegiggle: :teddyr: :thumbup:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: zombie #1 on March 01, 2014, 09:46:53 AM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  :drink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on March 01, 2014, 04:44:10 PM
Quasimodo died after 50 years of ringing bells at Notre Dame cathedral.  The bishop held a try-out for the position, but none of the wannabe bell-ringers were anywhere nearly as good as Quasimodo had been.  Finally, one man stepped up to the head of the line and said "Your grace, I would like to be your new bell ringer!"

  The bishop said: "My son, that is not possible, you have no arms!"

  The man said "Just watch me!" and ran up the stairwell to the belfry and began smacking the bells with his face.  To the bishop's astonishment, the tone was beautiful, clear, and pure, and the man had an incredible sense of timing.

The bishop was about to tell him he was hired, when the armless man leaned out a bit too far, overbalanced, and fell to his death on the cathedral steps below.  The Bishop rushed down to find a crowd gathered.

   "Who was he, your grace?" one man asked.

   "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But his face sure rings a bell!"




Wait . . . it's not over:

A week later another man showed up and asked to see the Bishop.

He explained: "The armless man who tried to be your new bell ringer was my brother.  I feel it is my family duty to try and take his place."

   "Your brother was very talented," the Bishop replied.  "Can you do as well as he did?"

  "Watch!" the man said, and ran up the stairs to the belfry.  He began ringing the bells one after another, using just the right amount of strength on the ropes to make the most beautiful tones imaginable.  The Bishop was about to tell him he was hired when the man tugged too hard on one of the ropes, which snapped, sending him too plummeting to his death.

  Again the bishop hurried down the stairwell.

  Someone in the crowd asked: "Who was it this time, your grace?"

  "I don't know his name," the Bishop replied, "But he's a dead ringer for his brother!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 01, 2014, 07:13:16 PM
Why can't elephants go skinny dipping?

They can't get their trunks off.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 01, 2014, 08:17:54 PM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on March 01, 2014, 09:04:56 PM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 02, 2014, 01:16:07 AM
Question: How many lonely people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: Only one. <sigh>
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb? 
Two. 
One to do it. 
One not to. 

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 02, 2014, 02:22:06 PM

A Jesuit priest and a nun visited the local Indian tribe one day in order to get a better picture of their culture.  There were 5 chiefs sitting in a circle, each with a head dress adorned with 100 more feathers than the last.

The nun asks the first chief: "Why do you have 100 feathers in your bonnet"?
The chief replies " Me have 'em sex with 100 women in village, rock their world good!"

A bit taken back, the nun moves on to the other chiefs in succession, with 200, 300, and 400 feathers, and gets the same answer. Totally shocked at this point, she goes to the Big Chief with 500 feathers, and asks the same question.

"Me have 'em sex with 500 women in village, that's why me the Big Chief"! he says.

"Oh dear!" says the nun.

"No deer!" says the Big Chief. "Teeth too sharp, ass too high"!

really?

even in a thread titled 'truly terrible joke thread' this one is substandard...I think that's the winner  :drink:

Yeah, yeah.... :bouncegiggle:

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 03, 2014, 03:36:52 PM
When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 03, 2014, 06:55:45 PM
When ducks fly in a "V" shape, why is one end always longer than the other?

Because there are more ducks on that side.

Oh, man, that joke quacked me up.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on March 09, 2014, 12:14:29 AM
Why did the toaster salute the stove?

Because the stove was General Electric.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: alandhopewell on March 18, 2014, 11:43:47 AM
     A scientist perfected the process of cloning, and decided to use himself as the subject. The experiment was a success, with one hitch-the clone was insane, and escaped, running down the street, cussing at everyone. The scientist gave chase, and caught up with the clone atop a five story building. The two of them grappled for hours, until, with a mighty shove, the scientist pushed the clone over the edge, where it plummeted to its death.

     The poilce rushed out onto the roof, and took the scientist into custody.
"Am I being arrested for murder?" asked the scientist. "No", said the arresting officer,
"for making an obscene clone fall."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 19, 2014, 03:54:22 PM
An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 19, 2014, 06:40:02 PM
An old Jewish man bought a lottery ticket.   When the drawing came, the man won 10 million dollars.  When he went on TV, he said:

"I'd like to thank Adolf Hitler and the Nazis for giving me this opportunity".

The newswoman, shocked at his response, said,  "Why in the world would you thank the Nazis?"  The old man raised his forearm and said, "they gave me the winning number!"

Ouch.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on March 20, 2014, 07:21:39 AM

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 10:48:56 AM

OK then, Mr. Joke Critic, how about this one.  A Buddhist walks into a pizza shop and says to the waiter, "make me one with everything"!    :tongueout:

And the sequel joke: The Buddhist pays for his pizza with a fifty-dollar bill, and the waiter pockets it. The Buddhist asks for change. The waiter replies, "Change comes from within."

 :bouncegiggle:  :bouncegiggle:   


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 10:53:21 AM
During the Iraq war, a group of airborne commandos was preparing for their raid on an Iraqi ammo dump. The unit consisted of 6 men and 6 female soldiers.  As they were checking their gear, the one male soldier said to the female soldier next to him,  "why are you wearing a jock strap on the outside of your fatigues"?   She said, "so I won't whistle on the way down and give away our position"...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 21, 2014, 05:48:46 PM
Four gay guys were sitting in a hot tub when a glob of baby batter floated up to the top.  The one gay guy shrieked at the top of his voice: "Alright, which one of you b***hes farted?!?"

At a local hospital, blood-curdling screams came form one of the rooms...the doctor and a nurse came running into the room, only to find the orderly standing over  the man doing the screaming..his genitals were red and swollen to nearly twice their size...

"No, no, NO!" shouted the doctor to the orderly: " I told you to prick his boil!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 22, 2014, 10:59:27 AM
A travelling salesman's car breaks down deep in the wilds of West Virginia. There's a winter storm on the way, and he knows he can't stay in his car. He sets out to find someplace, any place, to stay the night.

After what seems like hours in the darkness, he finds a farm house. He goes up and knocks on the door. Minutes pass before the door opens. A crusty old farmer squints at him and says, "It's late, son. What do you want?"

"My car broke down, and the blizzard is starting to move in. I'm half frozen. Can I stay the night, please?"

The geezer thinks about it. "Okay, son, you can stay the night, but your gonna have to sleep with my 17-year-old daughter."

The salesman pauses and then says, "Are you sure about that?"

"You ain't sleeping with me, boy. It's that or you can stay out there and freeze."

"Yeah, yeah, okay. Thanks."

The farmer lets him in and points to a door. "Go on in. Just make sure you don't wake me up."

"Yes, sir."

The next morning, still dark outside due to the weather, the salesman walks into the kitchen where the farmer is fixing breakfast. The old man pours him a cup of coffee and tells him to sit down.

He notices the salesman is acting a bit odd, so he finally says, "Alright, son. Out with it."

"Well, sir, I hate to say it, but, well, I had sex with your daughter."

The old man smiles and says, "A young guy like you, I figured as much. How was it?"

The salesman is a bit taken aback by the farmer's calm reaction, so he decides to be honest. "It was pretty good. But I only had one problem."

"What's that, boy?"

"Well, it was the oddest thing. The whole time, she kept spitting rice in my face."

The farmer laughed and slapped the salesman's knee. "Aw, son, that weren't rice; those were maggots. She's been dead for 6 weeks."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 22, 2014, 12:51:50 PM
Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness  :cheers:

Anyhow,
an old blind man went to ask for a job at a local lumberyard.  The boss of the company was astounded, but decided to hear what the old man had to say. The old man told him he could tell any kind of wood by the smell of it.

"Okay", the boss said, and took a piece of wood and stuck it under his nose.
"Oak", the old man said.
"You got it!" said the boss

He took another piece of wood and held it under his nose again
"Maple", the old man said
"Unbelievable!" said the boss.

The boss then decided to play a trick on the old man. He had his secretary lift her skirt, and the boss and a few men picked her up and put her crotch just under the old man's nose.   The old man took a while, but when he was done he said

"Tried to pull a fast one over on an old man, huh? You ain't fooling me, son, that there's definitely the s**thouse door off a tuna boat!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 22, 2014, 04:21:28 PM
Congrats, JavaKoala, you are the new winner of true tastelessness  :cheers:

Oh, but I'm saving a special joke for later. It's the one joke that made my dad tell me, "If I ever hear you tell that joke around me again, I will beat the living hell out of you." My dad has been dead for years, but I still look around to make sure he isn't nearby when I tell it.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on March 22, 2014, 07:36:07 PM
A man walks up to the bar and asks the bar keeper, “How much is Bud Light?”  

The bartender tells him $4.  

The man says, "eh, that's a bit too much.  How much does a Miller Light cost?"

The bartender tells him $3.75

The man says, "that's still more than  I want to spend.  How much is a Coors Light?"

The bartender tells him $2.75.

The mans says "that's still a bit much.  What's the cheapest thing here?"

The bartender looks at him and says "evidently, you."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Newt on March 23, 2014, 07:47:02 AM
What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2014, 03:34:46 PM
What's the best kind of story to tell a runaway horse?

A tale of WHOA!

Whew..... :lookingup:   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 23, 2014, 03:57:19 PM
Okay, so Bill Clinton, Ted Kennedy and Jimmy Carter decide to rob a bank..

They go in, tell everyone to put their hands in the air, and Kennedy and Carter start going to work on the safe while Slick Willy is sizing up the women in the bank.

It's no good, I can't crack the safe" says Carter. "We'll have to blow the safe open".
"What about the women and children?" says Kennedy.

"Screw the women and children!" says Carter.  Clinton says "Do we have enough time"?


Y'know that Clinton made Monica Lewinsky a rich woman, right? Every time she reached into her dress pocket, she pulled out a wad of Bill's...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on March 24, 2014, 12:46:05 AM
Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on March 24, 2014, 10:20:05 AM
Throwing someone's leg off a cliff is illegal, it's called a Fell o' knee.

Ouch....



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on March 24, 2014, 07:30:21 PM
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on March 24, 2014, 07:53:08 PM
Did you hear about the guy whose entire left side got cut off? He's all right now.

With a joke like that, I would say you are a wit, but I'd be only half right.

Just kidding.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on April 03, 2014, 01:01:32 PM
Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 

If you're not part of the group, then it just isn't funny, it's offensive. 

So, anyway, two pedophiles walk into a bar...




What?  Why's everyone looking at me like that?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Umaril Has Returned on April 03, 2014, 04:46:34 PM
Let me tell you about something.  Political correctness.  The way political correctness works in jokes is like this. 

You can't make offensive sterotype jokes unless you're part of that group.  If you're not, you can't.  A black guy can sit there and make jokes about being black all he wants and it's not offensive.  Disabled people can joke about their disability.  Blondes can't make dumb blonde jokes.  Asian can make yellow slant eyed good with electronics jokes.  Jewish people can make greedy Jew jokes, and all that stuff is good, as long as their the one that's doing them. 


That's one of the benefits of the Race Card (tm)

(http://www.fedupusa.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Jesse-Jackson-Race-Card.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Mofo Rising on April 04, 2014, 02:00:06 AM
Why do chicken coops have two doors?

Because if they had four doors they'd be chicken sedans!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on April 28, 2014, 04:43:36 PM
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens didn't exist yet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 28, 2014, 05:22:47 PM
Two blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 13, 2014, 10:04:49 AM
Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 13, 2014, 05:28:28 PM
Why shouldn't you tell jokes about the Jonestown Massacre? 

Punch lines are too long.


Too soon, bro.   :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 24, 2014, 09:33:23 PM
Two Chinese siblings went to college in America. The brother's name was Ving and his sister's name was Ling. Ling cherished her Chinese name and heritage, but Ving was in love with all things American and quickly came to hate his name. "It's so foreign-sounding," he complained to his roommate. Anyone who hears it knows right away I'm not an American! I wish I had a name that was a little bit Chinese sounding and a little American sounding - like Lee! I wish I was named Lee!" He went on like this all semester, and finally his roommate got sick of it.
 "Just go to the court house and have your name changed to Lee if it means that much to you!" he snapped.
 "You can do that here?" Ving asked in astonishment.
 "Sure - you just go to the court house and fill out some forms!" his roommate said.
 "Can you drive me?" asked Ving. His roomie agreed, and they set out only to be intercepted by Ving's sister Ling.
 "Don't do it, Ving!" she said. "You will dishonor our country, our family, our heritage, and all our ancestors!"
 "My mind is made up and you can't change it!" he yelled back. "I'm going to be called LEE!"
 She climbed in the car with them and they argued all the way to the court house, but he would not budge. When they got there, they went to the clerk's office and Ving asked for a form to change his name to Lee.
 "That'll be $25," she said.
 Ving was crestfallen because he only had a couple of bucks on him. Ling looked at him in disgust.
 "I still think it's a terrible mistake," she said. "But, if your heart is set on it, I'll give you the money."
 She handed the clerk the money, and he took the form, looked at it a long time - and just couldn't do it. "Give her the money back!" he said. "I've changed my mind. Ving I was born, and Ving I shall remain."
 At that moment a car screeched to a halt outside the court house, and an elderly Chinese man got out. It was their grandfather! He rushed up the steps and slapped $25 onto the clerk's desk, took the form, and handed it to Ving.
 "It's OK, grandfather," Ving said. "I've decided to keep my name."
 The grandfather scowled and said: "Don't! Stop! Be Lee, Ving! Hold on to that fee, Ling!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 25, 2014, 07:28:55 PM
^ freaking ouch, that was bad.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 25, 2014, 08:25:54 PM
Upon learning that one of the patients in his psychiatric clinic had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of the swimming pool he'd leaped into with a brick tied around his ankle, the center's director called the rescuer into his office.

"Well," said the director, "your heroic action this morning indicates that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around his neck."

"Silly, he didn't kill himself," the patient replied. "I hung him up to dry."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 28, 2014, 06:58:44 AM
(http://i.imgur.com/ZS6q0Mk.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Javakoala on September 28, 2014, 07:12:42 AM
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.


A guy walks into a bar with his pet newt on his shoulder.
"What do you call it?" asks the barman.
"Tiny"
"Why do you call it that?"
"Because it's my newt."


A font walks into a bar, only to be confronted by the owner.
"You'll have to leave. We don't serve your type in here."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: cqmorrell on September 30, 2014, 04:20:57 PM
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

Flushed.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 01, 2014, 09:59:26 AM
Three seminary students took an afternoon off their studies to hike in the country. It was hot, so they stripped to their birthday suits for a swim in the creek. They'd no sooner hit the water when who should come walking past but the Dean of the seminary, also taking a stroll. In a frenzy the seminarians leaped out of the pond and ran for their lives. Two of the students used their hands to cover their privates, but the third covered his face instead. When they made it to the treeline, one of the two who had covered himself down below asked his friend why he hadn't done the same. "Well, I'm not judging you," this seminarian replied, "but I'd like to think it's more probable the Dean would recognize me by my face..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Silverlady on October 01, 2014, 10:41:11 PM

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
I have no eye deer.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.

What did the ranch say to the refrigerator?
Close the door I'm dressing!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Jack on July 17, 2015, 07:40:46 AM
(http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww28/jackc8/11111614_1110914645589676_1306445669535330352_n_zpsjp0ebwpx.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on July 17, 2015, 07:50:14 AM
([url]http://i702.photobucket.com/albums/ww28/jackc8/11111614_1110914645589676_1306445669535330352_n_zpsjp0ebwpx.jpg[/url])


 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Well, begorrah! I always thought I was African, now I see I'm Irish.  :cheers:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 19, 2015, 08:18:47 PM
Diarrhea is heredity, as it runs in your jeans.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: diamondwaspvenom on July 20, 2015, 03:25:01 PM
What do you call a bassist who plays with a distorted tone?

A lazy guitarist.

What do you throw a drowning bassist?

His amp.

What's the difference between pizza and a bassist?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

There were two people walking down the street. One was a bassist, the other didn't have any money either.

Did you hear about the bass player who was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind the train?

Why are there four strings on a bass?

Three are spares.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on August 09, 2015, 11:37:02 PM
Dad comes home from a hunting trip and cooks deer for the family.
"What is it?" the son asks when he puts it on the table.
"I'll give you a hint.. it's something your mom calls me."
The son yells, "Don't eat it; it's an a**hole!!!".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on August 10, 2015, 05:20:31 PM
One day after services a visitor to a parish stopped to talk to the priest as he was leaving.  He said, "Father that was a damn good homily!"

"Thank you my son," the priest replied, "but there is no reason to swear in God's house."

"But father, that was one godd**n good homily," the visitor replied.

The priest replied, "I must ask you my son not to swear in God's house."

"Ok," the visitor said.  "But I was so impressed with the excellent homily you gave I put a check for $10,000 in the collection basket!"

"No s**t?" the priest then said.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 10, 2015, 10:37:36 PM
What do two snails do when they fight?

They slug it out.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dark Alex on August 11, 2015, 02:35:18 AM
A family called the Hills win first prize in a competition for a tour round Europe. There is mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill. Eventually their trip takes them to Transylvania where on a dark and stormy night the car breaks down. "No problem", explains daddy Hill, "I saw a castle a few miles back, we can just hike back to it and see if they have a phone."

So mummy Hill, daddy Hill and little baby Hill head back to the dark castle and knock on the door. It is answered by an elderly aristocratic man who on hearing their problems tells them while he has no phone, they are welcome to come in and stay the night. The Hills gratefully accept and when their host invites them down for a meal they meet him in the castles great hall. A veritable feast is laid out for them, but they don't notice their host doesn't eat any. With some stangled noise ack noises the Hills fall down dead, poisoned.

With an evil chuckle, their vampiric host runs over and drinks blood from the three of them, then goes over to play on his organ. Cackling maniacally as he plays 'O Fortuna', he doesn't hear or realise someone is moving behind him, until a broken off chair leg is shoved into his back, impaling his heart. As he falls off his stool, he see's the Hills standing behind him and gasps "But.... how..? I poisoned you and drained your blood!"

Daddy Hill spreads his arms wide and says "The Hills are alive with the sound of music."

My geography teacher told me that joke when I was 12. 29 years later I still haven't forgiven him.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on August 21, 2015, 08:21:00 AM
Two pastors were taking a summertime canoe trip together, when their canoe tipped over and they were dunked into the lake.

They managed to swim to shore and stripped off their clothes and hung them to dry on some nearby branches.

But no sooner were they in their birthday suits, however, than Silver Sisters Hiking Club, composed of elderly women from both their congregations, came walking by.

Chagrined,  the two pastors took off running naked into the woods. One pastor covered his privates, the other his face, fleeing the shrieks, gasps and (shamefully enough) wolf whistles from the gawking seniors.

When they were safely concealed in the forest, the pastor who had hidden his privates asked his friend why he'd hidden his face.

"Well," said that minister, "I don't know what's going on over at your church, but where I come from it's my face that I'm known by!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: retrorussell on August 22, 2015, 02:24:56 PM
2 deceased women meet in heaven.

The first asks the second, "How did you die?"

The 2nd replies, "I froze to death.  You?"

The 1st says, "Heart attack.  I suspected my husband of cheating and ran all over the house looking for the other woman.  I checked the attic, all the closets, under all the beds-- nothing!  Finally, when I got to the den, I saw my husband just sitting in his easy chair watching tv, so he must not have cheated after all.  I collapsed and died, so here I am."

The 2nd says, "Well, if you'd checked the freezer, we'd both be alive right now!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 22, 2015, 07:59:20 PM
What did the baby computer call it's father?

Data


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on August 24, 2015, 05:01:03 AM
Have you ever tried eating a clock? It's very time-consuming.  :wink: :twirl:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on August 26, 2015, 04:49:57 PM
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "p**s off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 03, 2015, 11:47:47 AM
Sadist and a masochist walk into a bar.

"Hurt me!' screams the masochist.
 
"No," replies the sadist.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on September 04, 2015, 09:17:37 AM
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Wal-Mart joke?"

The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I'm Wal-Mart associate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he also works for Wal-Mart. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and yes he also works for Wal-Mart.  We all spend eight hours a day lifting heavy stuff.  Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"

The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it three times."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on September 06, 2015, 08:04:10 PM

"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.

Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 07, 2015, 07:58:12 PM
I held open the door for a clown. It was a nice jester

I had some food coloring, I think I dyed inside.

I don't fear condiments on my food, I relish it.

Dry erase board? That's remarkable!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 12, 2015, 11:45:35 AM
Bunch of insects are playing football. It's tied until at the last second the thousand-legger runs in for a touchdown. The crowd goes wild.

It takes twenty minutes for him to get off the field to the locker room. "Why you so late?" his coach asks.

"Sorry," said the thousand-legger, "I was in the bleachers giving my dad high fives."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 16, 2015, 09:16:43 AM
In honor of her dead body appearing in a tabloid this week, proving not even death can keep the woman out of the headlines, how about some assorted Joan Rivers' punchlines to remember her by?


"And only THEN did Truman Capote change the sheets...."

"The b***h wasn't brave, the b***h was lazy!"

"Not in my lifetime, Marty."

"Winnie the s**t."

"Roll them in baby powder and go for where it sticks."

"Because, stupid, unlike the others, Republican professors don't exist."

"Tracy Morgan! Oh...too soon? James Dean's car then..."

" 'Yeah,' the child molester said, 'and I have to walk out of her here alone.' "

"That audience was so goy, even the women had foreskins!"

"Worse than Anne Frank's dating choices!"

"Roger Ebert's a worse theater critic than Mrs. Lincoln."

"When she comes to dinner you don't have to slice the pizza!"

"They gave me an abandoned refrigerator to play in."

"Taking Helen Keller anywhere was the pits; she never shut up about the running water thing...."



Damn, she was great. Why did Obama have to murder her?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 16, 2015, 09:24:12 AM
And for the road, one I think Joan Rivers would have liked....

What did Bill Clinton say to Hillary to cheer her up? "Take heart, honey, they elected Nelson Mandela president after he got out of prison..."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Gene Worm on September 26, 2015, 01:47:47 PM
Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dennis on October 01, 2015, 07:10:52 PM
Two grandmothers who were next door neighbors till one moved to the other side of town run into each other at a restaurant one year after they were separated and have the following conversation.
Carol: So Evelyn what's going on with you?
Evelyn: Well you know my grandson Michael just got a full academic scholarship to MIT.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: And my son David got a promotion to CEO and a $100,000.00 bonus, so he's taking me to Jamaica with his family for the holidays.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: and my granddaughter Mary just married a doctor and the moved into a 10,000 square foot mansion.
Carol: Fantastic.
Evelyn: So what's been going on with you?
Carol: I've been seeing a therapist.
Evelyn: Why would you need to do that?
Carol: He's been improving my speech, now I say fantastic instead of BULLS**T!!
 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: sprite75 on October 04, 2015, 10:57:18 PM
What sort of hole does one bury a donkey in?

An a***ole!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: cqmorrell on October 12, 2015, 09:47:01 PM
What do you call a black man on the moon?
...
An astronaut. Are you racist?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Derf on October 13, 2015, 06:57:47 AM
My daughter sent me this Skyrim-related one last night:

The best armor for sneaking around in is leather, because it's entirely made of hide.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on October 13, 2015, 07:39:16 AM
Ever seen a reptile eating a pizza?

It's not only great, it's turtally awesome.  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on October 15, 2015, 07:49:16 AM
"Old man is walkin' down the road, sees a young fellow looking under the bonnet of his car. Asks 'what's wrong?"
"Young fellow says, "ah, piston broke."
"Old may says 'That's just how I feel."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on May 04, 2016, 03:30:23 PM
Luke and Obi-Wan walk into a Chinese restaurant. Ten minutes into the meal, Luke’s still having trouble with the chopsticks, dropping food everywhere. Obi-Wan finally snaps, “Use the forks, Luke.”


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on May 12, 2016, 10:13:23 AM

What brand of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka.

Why don't lobster contribute to charity?
Because they're shellfish.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 15, 2016, 09:08:54 PM
Back during the Cold War, an African dictator visiting the Kremlin was wined and dined until the end of the night, when his hosts told him it was a custom that the guest of honor play Russian Roulette. Not wishing to offend and knowing the odds of the pistol going off were but one in six, the brave African put the gun to his head, pulled the trigger and…CLICK! All was well.

Flash forward a year and one of the Soviet diplomats was visiting the dictator in his own nation. The African remembered well his night in Moscow and wined and dined the Russian, showing him the best time of his life, until the moment came the African told the Russian that his people, too, had a custom it would be impolite to refuse. He clapped his hands and six lovely young tribal women came out and stood before the Russian visitor.

"It is a custom here that you choose one of these six to give you oral pleasure," the President told his guest.

"What a wonderful custom!" the Russian exclaimed.

"Yes," the African dictator agreed, "except did I mention one of them is a cannibal?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 19, 2016, 06:26:48 AM
One day a dumb blonde got notice that unless she came up with $800.00 worth of late payments, the bank was going to repossess her sports car.

Desperate, she hatched a plot she considered full-proof, she would kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. So the blonde drove to a playground and grabbed the first kid she saw. She took him to her car and wrote a ransom note that read, "Attention, I have kidnapped your little boy! Put $800.00 in a paper bag and leave it under the slide first thing tomorrow morning. Signed: A Blonde"

She then pinned the note to the little boy's jacket...and sent him home.

The next day the blonde eagerly drove to the playground and sure enough there was an envelope with $800.00 waiting for her under the slide, and inside was a note that said: "You evil slime, how could you do this to a fellow blonde???!!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 15, 2016, 11:07:05 AM
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will make himself disappear at the count of 3. "Uno," he says. "Dos," he says.

*Poof*!

He disappears without a tres.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 15, 2016, 06:15:10 PM
Cheetah little, and soon you're a lion big.

(Oh, well, my kids think it's hilarious.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 16, 2016, 01:50:13 AM
Caitlyn Jenner is going to be in the Olympics!!  She will be competing in just one event.  The broad jump. 

 :lookingup:  :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 16, 2016, 09:58:36 PM

What type of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?

Sanka.



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 19, 2016, 01:26:56 AM
You sure it wasn't STANKA?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 19, 2016, 07:31:48 AM
In Massachusetts, authorities noticed that a large number of crows have been dying on the road.
By planting game cameras, they were able to see that 95% of the deceased crows were killed by trucks, and only 5% by cars.  The state government commissioned a study to see why this was.
Five million dollars later, scientists came to two conclusions:
1.  Crows post a watch when feeding along the highways to warn them of approaching danger.
2.  However, while all crows can say "CAH!!!", none were able to yell: "Truck!!"   :bouncegiggle:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 20, 2016, 08:24:49 PM

How many lawyer jokes are there?

Three.  The rest are true stories.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 20, 2016, 09:07:43 PM
Once a miser lay on his deathbed, and was so determined to take his ill-gotten fortune with him that he summoned his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer, and gave them each a bulging sack of gold coins, and made them swear that when he died they'd put their sack of gold in the grave with him.

Well the old tightwad died soon after, and the three met at his graveside.

First the priest stepped up and tossed in his sack of gold, but looking ashamed he said, "I must admit, it seemed such a waste to bury so much money that I took part of it and used it for a new wing at the parish orphanage."

The doctor too tossed his sack of gold into the grave and said, "I'm embarrassed to say I didn't keep my word either, Father, because I couldn't help but think of the good that money could do, so I gave half my share to a research college that's trying to cure cancer."

Then it was the lawyer's turn to step forward and he said, "Gentlemen, I am truly ashamed of both of you. Our mutual client entrusted us with his entire fortune, and we gave our words we'd carry out his wishes and put the money into the grave with him."

"You mean," asked the priest, "that of the three of us it was you, a lawyer, who proved most trustworthy?"

"You didn't take any of it?" demanded the doctor, incredulously.

"Not one thin dime," the lawyer said solemnly, as he opened his wallet and dropped something into the grave. "As you see I just put in 100% of my share, via my personal check...."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 27, 2016, 06:59:52 PM
One time I got so depressed I decided to off myself.  I tried to do that thing where you start the car and let the fumes overtake you.  Problem is, it turns out that works best when you're in an enclosed environment, like a garage.  I was in a indoor mall parking lot and it was taking FOREVER.  I had snacks, couple books to read... sitting there all day, waiting for something to happen.  People were walking by saying stuff, "Hey, Mike, how's that suicide attempt going?"  
"Ahhh, really slow!"  "Well, keep at it, you'll succeed eventually."  

"Okay!  Thanks mom!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 20, 2016, 10:30:26 AM
One day after church a child asked her mommy, "Is God a man or a woman?"

"God is both a man and a woman," answered the mother.

"Well, is God black or white?" the little girl inquired.

"God is both black and white," the mom told her.

The child thought about this for a second and asked, "Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 23, 2016, 10:32:55 AM
On the opening day of school a first-grade teacher asked her students to tell what they had done over the summer.


"I rode a choo-choo," said one little boy.


"No," said the teacher, "you're not a kindergartner anymore, you're a big first grader, so you're all going to start using grown-up words. You didn't ride a choo-choo, you rode a train."


She asked a little girl how she'd spent her summer.


"We went to Florida and visited my Maw-maw," the little girl stated.


"No," the teacher said, "you visited your grandma, not your maw-maw. Remember class, you're not babies anymore, so use grown-up words." She then asked another little boy how he'd spent his summer."


"I read books," the little boy told her.


"How nice!" the teacher gushed. "And what book did you like best?"


It was on the tip of the little boy's tongue to tell her, then he remembered what she'd said about not using baby talk anymore. So with pride he blurted out, "My favorite was Winnie the s**t!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on August 25, 2016, 10:57:09 AM
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big boobs?

One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 25, 2016, 09:42:27 PM

What do you call a black guy on the moon?

An astronaut, you racist bastard!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 26, 2016, 12:03:29 AM
A witch doctor put a curse on my boomerang. Im sure it will come back and haunt me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 30, 2016, 11:18:56 PM

It's hard in a situation like yet another shooting to find anything positive about it, but I found one thing: At least the news isn't talking about that damn gorilla anymore...


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 03, 2016, 07:12:19 PM

I was walking down the street when suddenly a wild looking old gypsy woman dressed in rags came out of nowhere, pointed her finger at me and screamed, "You'll never amount to anything!  You're gonna die ALONE!!"

And I said, "Dammit, Grandma, quit bothering me!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on September 23, 2016, 11:27:41 AM
I think I'm becoming addicted to Viagra.

I'd like to give it up but it's hard... so very hard.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Dark Alex on September 23, 2016, 06:01:25 PM
An elderly lion is having trouble hunting and can no longer chase after fast prey, so he decides to use a disguise and buys a gorilla suit. So he gets it, puts the suit on and goes walking into the jungle. Alas when all the animals see him they still run away.
In desperation he shouts up to the monkeys in the trees how they knew?

One of them replies "Well, you can't hide your lion eyes."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on September 23, 2016, 08:28:38 PM
My ex came crawling back to me.  She said, "Give me back my damn wheelchair!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 24, 2016, 01:52:29 PM
What's the tallest building in the city? A library because it has the most stories.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room
He said Thank You.
I said don't mention it.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the Ark hive.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on September 24, 2016, 04:36:20 PM
Why did the wino go into the haunted house?
He was looking for boos




What do you call some one who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.



What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire! 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on October 01, 2016, 06:39:33 AM
Since it's Halloween...

What's a ghost's favorite type of music?
Sheet music.

What's a ghost's favorite flavor of Kool-Aid?
Booberry.

Why were the monsters arrested for throwing a party?
They threw it across the Grand Canyon. 

Why can't witches have babies?
Cause their husbands have Hallowweenies. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 05, 2016, 09:10:50 AM
One day a man from Arkansas was in a bar in Los Angeles and he took a liking to a beautiful blond-haired woman he saw seated nearby, so he sent her a bottle of the house’s best champagne with a note attached. "Miss, You are just about the prettiest girl I have ever seen. Would you let me buy you dinner tonight? Your admirer, Jimmy Johnson Jr."

The pretty woman read the note, scoffed, and scribbled her reply. "Mister Johnson, I wouldn’t have dinner with you unless you had a Cadillac, a million dollars in the bank, and an eight-inch penis in your pants."

The waiter took the note back to the gentleman from Arkansas, who sent over the following reply: "Dear Miss, actually I don't have a Cadillac, I have a Rolls Royce. And I don't have a million dollars in the bank, I have fifteen. But not even for someone as pretty as you would I cut an inch off my member! Signed Jimmy Johnson Junior."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on October 05, 2016, 02:34:59 PM
I held the door open for a lady, but she didn't appreciate it.

She kept screaming, "What's wrong with you?  I'm peeing in here!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 09, 2016, 10:39:43 PM
This girl said she recognize me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory; I hope there's no pop quiz.

You show me a young lad's room and I'll show you a boycott


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on October 10, 2016, 02:50:04 PM
On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident, and found themselves at the Pearly Gates with St. Peter, so they asked him if they could possibly get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, "This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out."
 
For the next two hours couple waited for an answer, and discussed the pros and cons of matrimony. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what if it didn't work? Would they be stuck in Heaven together forever?

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were wondering, if things don't work out could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
 
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me two hours to find a pastor up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on October 15, 2016, 11:35:04 PM
Did you know Donald Trump is a Marxist?

He admits he likes to seize control of the means of production!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on November 25, 2016, 06:59:48 PM
I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on November 30, 2016, 01:00:53 AM
I haven't slept for three days.  That's just way to long to sleep.  Usually I wake up after about nine or ten hours.

I saw a sign that said "Watch for Children" but it didn't tell me where to trade them in at.  I could use a new watch too. 

People used to laugh at me when I told them I wanted to be a comedian.  Well, nobody's laughing now! 



Steven Wright?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on December 15, 2016, 11:37:22 AM
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

 The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.

 You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

 The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

 The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

 The man replied, "They're Carols".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 15, 2016, 05:19:38 PM

Riddle: On a tombstone it says, "Here lies a lawyer and a honest man."  How is that possible?

They buried two people.


Headline in the paper: "Aging Reversal Definitely Possible Says Baby Scientist."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on December 27, 2016, 10:20:08 PM
Whenever you're cold, just stand in a corner.  A corner is always 90 degrees.


Bought some shoes from a drug deal.  I dunno what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on January 11, 2017, 11:37:52 PM




In the Middle Ages, there was a lake whose shores formed a perfect triangle.  On each shore lay a different kingdom.

The first kingdom was fabulously well-to-do, lacking no material goods.

The second kingdom was moderately prosperous but not rich; they got by.

The third kingdom was destitute and poor.




For years, the three kings had argued over who actually owned the lake and its resources.  Finally, in true medieval fashion, they decided to go to war for it.




The first kingdom fielded a handsome army of a hundred knights dressed in shining steel armor, attended by 200 squires.

The second kingdom sent forth a sturdy army of fifty knights, clad in supple leather armor, armed with iron weapons, attended by 100 squires.

The third kingdom sent forth one elderly knight dressed in rusty chain mail, attended by a single squire.




The knights of the first kingdom held a rich feast the night before the battle, dining on roast suckling pig, glazed peacock's tongues, and drinking rich wines from the king's cellar.

The knights of the second kingdom caught a couple of wild pigs and spit roasted them, drinking several hogsheads of cheap, rotgut mead.

The elderly knight had the best meal his king could offer: a single chicken to split with his squire.  The squire, an enterprising young lad, formed a rope into a noose and tossed it over a limb, suspending the pot high above the fire and slow cooking the bird for his master.




ON the day of the battle, the knights of the first kingdom had miserable indigestion, and spent the day passing a bottle of bismuth back and forth and racing to the privy.

The knights of the second kingdom were too hung over to get out of their bedrolls.

The elderly knight from the third kingdom - well, his arthritis had flared up from sleeping on the cold ground, and he, too, was out of it.




Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
 The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on January 14, 2017, 02:06:56 AM

Not wanting to deny their kings the promised battle, the squires decided to fight for the lake themselves.  At the end of the day, the last squire left standing was the elderly knight's squire from the poorest of the three kingdoms.  Thus was proven the ancient law:
 The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of both sides.


I'm really tempted to boo you for that.  Not because the joke was bad (which is was) is just you made me read through all of that for THAT punchline.  

 :hatred:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on January 15, 2017, 12:53:29 AM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on February 13, 2017, 10:26:48 PM
Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when suddenly some guy in a trench coat came up and flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke.  The second old lady had a stroke.  The third old lady's arms were too short to reach.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Flangepart on February 14, 2017, 06:02:32 PM
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh Mungus, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
I DARE ya to tell that one without flubbing your Fs...I dare ya!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: akiratubo on February 14, 2017, 10:03:41 PM
I buried a good friend.

Hearing him scream from inside the coffin while I shoveled dirt over it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 15, 2017, 08:47:06 PM
Once there was a Kingdom that was being devastated by a deadly plague.  The King searched far and wide for a cure when he got word of an old witch who knew how to treat the plague, however, there was a catch: she lived in the Dark Forest.  Upon hearing this, everyone GASPED! The Dark Forest was the home of the deadly Yellow Fingers, bizarre creatures that would spring out of nowhere and strangle any poor soul foolish enough to stumble on their path.

So, the King sent forth his best knight and gave him an order  to enter the Dark Forest and seek out the witch.  The knight promised to do so and left on his quest... and was never heard from again.  So, the King sent his second bravest knight, and, once again, he disappeared shortly after entering the forest.  The king then sent forth his third, fourth, fifth, and even sixth bravest knights in turn, all of them never to be heard from again.  Finally, all the rest of the king's knights (who weren't that brave to being with) went into hiding.

Then one day, a page-a young fellow barely out of boyhood-stepped forward and said that HE would enter the Dark Forest and find the witch.  Everyone in the court laughed at him.  The King said, "How is it that YOU can brave the dangers of the Dark Forest when all my best knights failed?"  

The boy just smiled and asked the King give him a chance.  

So, the King granted his blessing and sent the young Page off, expecting never to hear from him again.  But, surprisingly, two weeks later the boy reappeared with a scroll containing the recipe for the plague's cure.  Everyone was AMAZED!  The King asked the young man, "How do you survive?!"

The fellow smiled and said simply, "From now on, let your Pages do the walking through the Yellow Fingers."


(For younger people who might not get the joke...

http://youtu.be/SYpJ1IgGoc0 (http://youtu.be/SYpJ1IgGoc0))
 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on March 30, 2017, 11:36:21 PM

So, this guy I know saw his dreams of a career in medicine destroyed because of one small indiscretion: he slept with a patient.  Now even with all those years of training, classes, hard work, and, no matter what, he'll never be a vet.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 05, 2017, 10:55:53 PM
Why do assassins prefer to wear leather? Because it's made of hide.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Zapranoth on April 07, 2017, 12:46:05 AM
So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on April 07, 2017, 10:08:00 AM
So I went to the zoo the other day... all they had there was just one dog.  It was a shih tzu.

One of the best jokes told in Fallout 4!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 12, 2017, 12:05:07 AM
I p**sed off two men today because I called them hipsters. Apparently, the correct term is "conjoined twins".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on April 12, 2017, 06:08:52 AM
The title of my new book is THEOPHILUS: A TALE OF ANCIENT ROME.

I got this note from a friend: "Congrats, Lewis!  I know it'll be great and not 'theophilus' novel ever!"

That one was groan-worthy!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on April 16, 2017, 06:14:19 PM
I used to have a problem with deli meat. My doctor told me to quit cold turkey.


An Eglishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are watching a magician perform a disappearing act. When the magician asks them if they can still see him, they respond as followed:
Yes
Oui

Ja


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on April 17, 2017, 03:20:07 AM

What's a bigamist?

Italian Fog.

(Ay big ah mist!)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 17, 2017, 09:57:31 AM
I have to help proliferate this "TRULY" truly terrible joke, since my friend Rob says he thought it up and seems rather, uh, proud of it.


A bar walks into a guy.

"Hey, I think you're telling this joke wrong," said the guy.

The bar answered, "Not in Bizarro World, Superman."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on April 18, 2017, 12:58:03 PM
A traveling salesman went into a brothel, laid down a grand and said, "For the next fifteen minutes, give me the least skilled woman you have here."

The Madam said, "Sir, for a thousand dollars for fifteen minutes you can have the best in the house."

"No, lady," the salesman said, "I'll take the worst, because I'm not horny, I'm homesick."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on April 18, 2017, 02:59:48 PM
The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

What did the Pirate say when he turned 80?  "Aye Matey."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on April 18, 2017, 06:58:24 PM
Never fart in the Apple/Ipod store.  Why?  Because they don't have Windows.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 08, 2017, 11:19:15 AM
A man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, my privates are swollen and red and they hurt all the time."

The doctor had a look, saw the man was right about that area being red and inflammed, so he asked, "Have you been hit in the groin lately?"

"Well," the man said, "I got fired about three months ago for getting into a brawl with my supervisor, who tried to kick me in the crotch, but I blocked it, so no."

"Well," the doctor tried again, "have you perhaps had relations lately with anyone you didn't know too well?"

"No," said the man, "since I got divorced after losing my job, I haven't been with anyone."

"Huh," said the doctor, "sometimes stress affects the body in strange ways, and losing your job and getting divorced might be stressful enough to turn your privates red, sore, and swollen. Would you say you've felt stressed out lately."

"Nah," the man said, "no stress whatsoever. Why since I got divorced and lost my job, all I do is sit around all day and relax and watch porn, nonstop....."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 17, 2017, 09:18:22 AM
A koala bear is sitting in a tree smoking a joint. A lizard walks pass and looks up, asking the koala what he's doing. The koala said he smoking and asks the lizard to join him. So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and have a joint. After a while the lizard gets "desert mouth" and goes to the riverbed for a drink. The lizard, being stoned out of his mind, falls in the  river. A crocodile nearby sees this and helps the lizard out of the water. The crocodile asks the lizard what's the matter with him, so the lizard explains how he met up with the koala and had a joint. The crocodile said that he has to go see this and goes to the tree where the koala is. The crocodile yells "HEY KOALA!" and the koala looks down and said "f**k dude, how much did you drink?"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on May 17, 2017, 02:12:30 PM

My Uncle Lark told me this at his Kentucky Derby party, so I have to proliferate it.



A man from Alabama dies and is depressed to find himself in Hell.

"Why so down?" his neighbor in Hades, a New Yorker, asks.

"Uh, I'm in Hell???" the man from 'Bama answers.

"No, Hell is awesome," the New Yorker tells him. "Do you like to drink?"

"Well, yeah," the Alabama man says. "I like my beer and whisky."

"Great! Why every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday night we all get wasted drunk down here at a giant open bar, and when we wake up, no hangover because we're dead!"

"Wow," the Alabama fellow says, taken aback.

"So," asks the former New York resident, "do you like to gamble?"

"Sure, gambling was always fun," said the Alabama man. "I was known to lose a few weekends in Vegas here and there."

"You're in luck then, my friend, because every Thursday night the boss opens the casino here. Blackjack, roulette, loose slots, you name it. And if you lose your shirt, who cares, we're already dead!"

Warming to the idea of Hell just a bit, the Alabama man asks, "So what about Friday night?"

"Do you like to do drugs?" the New Yorker quizzes enthusiastically.

"Yeah, I smoked and snorted a bit in my younger days and it was always a good time," said the man from Alabama."

"Awesome!" the New Yorker cheered. "You are gonna love it then. Every Friday Satan and his minions roll fat joints and pass them around with anything else you can shoot, swallow or inhale to get high. If we overdose, who cares, we're already dead!"

"Wow, just...wow," said the Alabama man.

"So," the New Yorker said at last. "Are you into rough, hard gay sex?"

"No! Not at all!" said the Alabaman, recoiling.

"Ooooh," said the New Yorker apologetically, "then you're gonna hate the weekends..."



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on May 17, 2017, 05:00:37 PM
Did you hear about the guy who compulsively caught wild coneys and dressed them up like nuns?

He said it became a force of habit to find a rabbit, grab it, and make it wear a habit!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on May 23, 2017, 11:14:35 AM

Why were blondes stealing police cars?

They saw "911" on the side and thought they were Porsches. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on May 27, 2017, 03:03:46 PM
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing?

What's the difference between in laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 01, 2017, 06:23:43 PM
Q: Why did the fish blush?
A: Because it saw the ocean's bottom.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 01, 2017, 07:34:10 PM
Why don't blondes dance cheek to cheek?
Their asses get sore.

How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little nazis


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Allhallowsday on June 06, 2017, 03:11:47 PM
What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on June 18, 2017, 11:40:14 AM
"....yes, but except for that, how was the Ariana Grande concert?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was your day at the World Trade Center?"

(Too soon? Okay, then....)

"...yes, but except for that diagnosis, how was the clinic, Liberace?"

(Too soon? Okay, then...)

"....yes, but except for that, how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?"

(Too soon? Okay then....)

"....yes, but except for that, how was Passover in Jerusalem last Friday, Mary?"

(All right! You liked that one, proving as Joan Rivers always told us, comedy is tragedy plus time.)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Rev. Powell on June 18, 2017, 04:29:58 PM
What's the difference between MELANIA and the FBI?   
The FBI is still coming for DONALD. 

There's a "fake news" joke in there somewhere too, I'm sure of it!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on June 22, 2017, 10:55:36 PM

So I was in a car with a friend driving and we saw a sign that said, "15 Miles Per Hour Ahead".  Well, there were four of us, so we got through that area pretty fast. I'm just thankful I wasn't on a bus.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Trevor on June 26, 2017, 03:11:19 AM
Heard this on an episode of Bones:

"If I wanted to hear from an ass, I would have farted."  :buggedout: :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on June 26, 2017, 03:28:28 AM
A man went to see his buddy, who had broken a leg at work.  His friend was propped up in front of the couch, watching football and in some pain.
His co-worker asked if there was anything he could do for him.  The injured worker said:
"Be a pal and get my slippers out of my bedroom. My feet are getting cold!"
As the guy went upstairs, he heard giggles coming from a different bedroom.  He went in and saw his buddy's two daughters, home on holiday from college, sitting on the bed in their underwear and chatting.  He decided to have a bit of fun with them.
"Hello, girls," he said.  "Your dad sent me upstairs to have sex with you two!"
They laughed out loud, and the oldest said: "He did no such thing!"

"Sure he did," replied the man, "and I can prove it!" He leaned out the door and called downstairs:
"Larry, did you mean both of them?"

"OF COURSE I meant both of them, you idiot!" his friend replied.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 08, 2017, 03:25:22 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/FoWnPLH.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 09, 2017, 01:58:23 PM
Three really dumb guys were sitting around bored, so they pooled their resources and it came to about five dollars, then one of the group went out to find them something fun.

About half an hour later he came back with a box of tampons, and set them on the table.

"What we gonna do with those???" asked one of them.

"It's the coolest thing I ever heard of," said the one who went to the store. "Look, it says right here, you can swim with 'em, you can ride  a bike with 'em, you can play sports with 'em, you can even, "he winked knowingly, "sleep with 'em."

The other two stared back at him aghast at his stupidity, til one of them burst out, "You're a total idiot! Why there ain't room in that box for all three of us!"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 09, 2017, 09:32:48 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/brcxFGz.png)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 17, 2017, 07:10:26 PM
(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 "You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
 ..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 18, 2017, 07:04:17 AM
(warning: language)

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right
back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, loolie loolie...but at the bar.... you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, puppy face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

 "You want dirty words, cutie pie?"...
 ..."LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR f**kING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERf**kING SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T GOING ANYWHERE!  .....GOT IT, a***ole?!!"

I applaud that new wife's commitment to go the extra mile in keeping her husband happy. What an inspiration story. Just wow.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 20, 2017, 12:59:35 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/hlutiwq.jpg)
(http://i.imgur.com/CsexRNH.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 21, 2017, 01:44:07 PM
Said the masochist to the sadist: "Hurt me!'

Said the sadist to the masochist: "Never."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 23, 2017, 01:08:26 PM

What's the perfect gift for the man who has everything?

Penicillin.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on July 24, 2017, 07:23:02 PM
"Any and all cabbage left will be shredded and mixed with mayo"
-Cole's Law.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on July 25, 2017, 08:25:11 AM
What did Saddam say when he reached the fires of Hell?

Ouch!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on July 25, 2017, 12:39:42 PM
Reminds me of a cartoon I saw, years ago, when the Ayatollah Khoumeini died. 
A huge, grinning Satan was holding Khoumeini in his palm, while flames leaped up all around them.

Khoumeini:  "HEY!  This isn't paradise!"
Satan:  "No, and my name is not America, either!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on July 28, 2017, 07:10:43 PM

Talking to a fellow from Russia and I said, "You see, one of the good things about America is that we're perfectly free to criticize our government and elected officials."

And the fellow, "Well, that's true here, too."

I said, "Really?"

"Yeah, we're perfectly free to criticize your government and elected officials as well!"


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Chainsaw midget on August 04, 2017, 07:29:02 PM
What do you call a black man that flies a plane?


A pilot, you racist. 


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: The Burgomaster on August 08, 2017, 06:07:26 PM
Tour bus driver: "We are now passing the largest brothel in the world."

Male tourist: "Why?!?"



Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 09, 2017, 07:56:45 PM
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you.

I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again. The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on August 11, 2017, 06:30:33 AM
One day an acquaintance ran up to Socrates excitedly and said,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment", Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test.

It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes,

let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No", the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not.

Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary...."

"So," Socrates continued,

"you want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though,

because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.

Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well", concluded Socrates,

"If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: Pacman000 on August 11, 2017, 11:17:32 AM
Quote
This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

But what about the hemlock?  :wink:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on August 11, 2017, 11:28:20 AM
I wish Medusa would stop objectifying people.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on August 21, 2017, 09:50:22 PM

Harry Potter fans: I wish I could go to Hogwarts!
Narnia fans: I wish I could go to Narnia!
The Hobbit fans: I wish I could go to Middle Earth!
Hunger Games fans: Nah, we're good.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: bob on August 24, 2017, 07:36:39 PM
Two flies are on a piece of poop eating it. One of them farts. The other says "What's wrong with you, I'm eating."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 12, 2017, 10:26:21 PM
WARNING: This one is really gross.


I overheard someone say (I kid you not), "When you're pulling your woman's tampon out with your teeth, that's when you know you're really in love!"

I thought to myself, "Gee, I doubt that'll make a Hallmark card anytime soon."


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: indianasmith on September 13, 2017, 10:56:33 PM
FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 14, 2017, 11:08:42 AM
FROM ONE OF MY STUDENTS:

"Telling you a joke is like talking about food to an Ethiopian.  You just don't get it!"

This inspired another one to say:

"Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?  NEITHER HAVE THEY!"

Tasteless but hilarious!

Which one were you referring to, the joke or Ethiopian food?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on September 17, 2017, 09:23:51 AM
(https://i.imgur.com/1ZXwhBy.jpg)


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: A_Dubya on September 19, 2017, 01:17:33 PM
I dreamed I was a bicycle, then I woke up too tired.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 28, 2017, 11:37:26 AM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: javakoala on September 28, 2017, 05:07:20 PM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: ER on September 28, 2017, 06:20:57 PM
How'd they know Hugh Hefner was dead?

He went stiff without a viagra.

How long have you been sitting on that one?
Shrug, it just came to me.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on September 30, 2017, 10:08:42 PM
Did you know that sometimes teachers make great hookers?  Because you know teachers, they make you do stuff over and over again until you get it right. :teddyr:


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 01, 2017, 12:04:49 PM
Someone broke in to my house and stole my limbo trophy. Just how low can they go?


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: AoTFan on October 11, 2017, 09:04:41 PM

Why does Harvey Weinstein always cry during sex?

Because of the mace.


Title: Re: The truly terrible joke thread
Post by: El Misfit on October 17, 2017, 08:03:11 PM
Balloons take up more space relative to their cost than any other products sold in the last century, adjusted for inflation.

Hitler went to a fortuneteller and asked her "On which day will I die?" The seeress assured him that he will die on a Jewish holiday. "Why are you so sure of that?" demanded Hitler. "Any day", she replied, "on which you die will become a Jewish holiday."