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HERCULES IN NEW YORK
Rated: G
4 slimes
Copyright 1968 The Tooniversal Company
Submitted by Isaac Kiernan

THE CHARACTERS

Hercules – Arnold Schwarzenegger! He likes to flip over taxis, and beat the living snot out of bears.
Pretzy – Arnold Stang! Hercules’ Sidekick. So-called because he sells pretzels on the waterfront.
Zeus - Hercules’ Father. Likes to throw around rebar shaped like lightning bolts. By the way, only Hercules and Zeus retain their Greek names. The rest of the gods have their roman names.
Juno – Zeus’ Wife. She hates Hercules
Mercury – Zeus’ messenger
Helen – Hercules’ love interest. Spends most of her time Debating over whether or not she likes Hercules. MAKE UP YOUR MIND!


LESSONS LEARNED

Bears are evil
Samson was in Greek Mythology.
Ahnuld has no manners.
Mt. Olympus is located in central park.
When Hercules speaks over a radio his voice changes.
Some people in New York City still drive Chariots.
Posters lie!

STUFF TO WATCH FOR
5 mins – Can rebar do that?
10 mins – And the award for worst delivery goes to…
12 mins – Now, how effective would that REALLY be?
17 mins – Never say that to a cab driver. Never.
18 mins – So, not only does he not get paid, but his cab is wrecked, too. Nice.
24 mins – Whoa! Pretzy’s on drugs!
33 mins – Seriously! The bear’s minding his own business… then BAM!
73 mins – What New Yorker drives a Chariot?
74 mins- Oh.
81 mins – Samson? From The Bible?
87 mins – Mind control? Zeus is a jerk!
88 mins – That’s not Hercules!



NOTABLE QUOTES

Helen: Did your mother ever drop you on the head as a baby?

Hercules: This fine food for only a few small coins?

THE PLOT

 A little back story first. Because Arnolds voice was so unintelligible, the filmmakers dubbed over all his lines. On my copy All of Arnold’s original lines are reinstated, except at the end, but we’ll get to that. This was Schwarzenegger’s first film.  He plays Hercules. Hercules decides to leave Mt. Olympus, because he is bored there. I don’t know why, It seems nice enough, and every once in a while you can hear a car go by.

          Zeus forbids Hercules from visiting earth, and in his anger hurls some rebar at him. Apparently that was enough to blast Hercules from Mt. Olympus, doing the very thing Zeus was against. Hercules falls into the ocean. He is rescued by a freight ship bound for New York City. Once there Herc leaves his rescuers because they want him to *GASP* Work! I is here we meet Pretzy, Who I must confess, was my favorite character in this drive¬-by weirdness they call a movie.

                                                     Anyway, He is called Pretzy because he Sells Pretzels. Clever!-NOT. Anyway the two visit New York. There Hercules meets Helen, a Young woman whose father teaches at the college. Oh, I forgot, When He can’t afford the fare he FLIPS OVER A TAXI. So not only does the driver not get paid, he loses his vehicle. Herc’s kind of a jerk.  Oh, and they show a bear escaping from the zoo. Anyway, whilst on a date with Helen Hercules spots said bear. And goes Crazy on it! He beats this bear within an inch of its life! WHY??? Well, it turns out The police Are Impressed with Hercules’ Bear beatings, and Herc decides to become, what else? A Wrestler.

                                               The Mob approach Pretzy about Herc’s Contract. He is bought out by the mob. Meanwhile,  Zeus is furious with Herc for leaving Olympus, But didn’t Zeus hit him with the rebar, and force him o go? Anyway, he sends Nemesis to drag Hercules to hell. Kind of a dark turn there… Also the filmmakers were idiots, because they give all the gods their roman names, but Hercules wasn't roman he was Greek. The only other Greek name they keep is Zeus’. Well As part of an overly complicated plot, instead of taking herc to hell she Takes away his divinity. On the day of the big weight-lifting Competition! Naturally, Herc Loses and is chased by the Mob.

                                                 There is a really bizzare chase involving cars, and a Chariot. Where’d they find that??? Well the chase ends at a warehouse, where Herc is almost killed, when Mercury sends help. Atlas And Samson. SAMSON! From the bible! Where does he fit into Greek Mythology? Well, The Mobsters are defeated, and hercules is safe. But then, in an extremely jerky move, Zeus Mind-Controls Herc back to mt. Olympus. Why didn’t he do that before?!? Well, Then Good ol' Herc Calls Pretzy on the radio. He tells them that he is doing fine. Remember how I said that the studio reinstated all of arnold's lines? Well since they knew they were gonna dub it, they didn't even bother to record his lines for this scene. So, even in the restored version, this sounds like some american guy. It's really funny, because Pretzy recognizes him. Well, I gave this flick a lot of flak, but I do love it. Where else can you see Arnold Schwarzenegger beating up a bear? Even if said bear is really fake looking.