Badmovies.org Forum

Thou shalt . . .

. . . allow microphone shadows . . . and the microphones themselves . . . to be clearly visible.

. . . completely ignore plot holes.

. . . hire amateurs to write and perform the music score.

. . . not waste your time worrying about continuity.

. . . maintain the lowest possible make-up and wardrobe budget.

MORE . . .

THOU SHALT-
Make all attractive women fall after no more than 8 steps.
Take a shower just at the time of high danger and suspense
Have as many past-their-prime big name stars as possble for maximum embarassment.

Thou shalt not waste time and expensive film by reshooting scenes when someone flubs. Just keep going.

Thou shalt put more imagination into thy poster art than into the script itself.

Thou shalt bear false witness to the content of thy movie with titles and artwork similar to those of better films.

Print not whole quotes from respected critics, but rather selected adjectives from obscure publications in thine advertising.

Waste not your creativity upon new and innovative ideas, when proven plots and characters can be used with modification.

Thou shalt covet the films of thy betters, and steal as much as thou canst.

Remember the quick buck, to make it effortlessly.

Thou shalt give thy films names that are much more exciting than the films themselves.

Thou shalt use stock musical score, and use it well.

Thou shalt ignore all aspects of physics when making a film.

Thou shalt divert substantial portions of thine production budget to the purchase of alcohol.

Thou shalt not waste money on professional actresses when thou can hire two strippers amateurs who will take their clothes off for the same sum.

Though shalt dress all females in tight tank tops.

Thine tank top attired females shall fall in the water.

Thine water shall dry completely within 10 seconds.

Thou shalt not spend money on computer graphics professionals when thine nephew with a Mac will do it for beer.

As Brother Joe Bob Briggs revealed to us "Thou shalt realize that anyone can die at any moment of the movie." 

Thy chainsaw shalt always have enough gas to keep it running. 

Thou shalt not spend money on futuristic sets when factories exist in abundance.

Honour thy washed up veterans, that thou may have big names for little money.

Thou shalt not create new footage when stock footage is available.

Thou shalt not rate acting talent higher than big t!ts.

Thou shalt not employ any advisor who has studied science above the high school level.

Thou shalt not let any of the trivial items above interfere with the enjoyment of a good bad movie.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors good movies.

Thou shalt not have false idols like Tom Cruise or Nicholas Cage.

Thou shalt not take the name of God(zilla) in vain.

Thou shalt not have any false God(zilla)s in thy movie collection.

Honor thy Glen and thy Glenda.

Thou shalt know in thine heart the shocking facts about grave robbers from outer space.

Thou shalt always remember that future events will affect us all, in the future.

Remember The Misfits, and keep them holy.

Thou shalt not not bear false witness to bad remakes disguised as good movies.

Thou shalt have thy female victims-to-be do next to nothing to defend themselves.  Simply covering their face with their hands/arms is encouraged.
Thou shalt throw lame red herrings in the audience's way to make them believe one of several people could be the killer, and make the most unbelievable attempt at using logic to explain the identity of the killer and his/her motif.
Thou shalt use POV shots ad nauseum, and often heavy breathing shalt be heard.
Thy law enforcement characters must be completely worthless, allowing the killer to bump up the body count significantly.
Thy film must contain one or more of the following: a b*tch, a slut, a smart, virginal girl (usually the survivor), a jock, a jerk, a nerd and/or a prankster.
Thy film is advised against playing a popular rock song; it's much cheaper to hire a lame studio group/local unknown band or make the score yourself.
Thy must hire many locals to add to the cast, cater food, make special effects, build sets, borrow money, etc.
Looks of boredom, disinterest, or disgust among the cast members that involve their emotions of being in thy film shalt not be edited out.
When a cast member's shirt is soiled/wet, they shall wear a new one in the next scene.
Garage sale fodder or trash will help greatly in the construction of many props in thy film.

Doeth unto Uwe Boll as thou would liketh Uwe Boll to doeth unto you.

Taketh not the titles Space Mutiny and Nukie in vain: rather taketh a stiff drink and some painkillers.

Thou shalt not force Andrew to watcheth a film with George Kennedy  in it.
 

Thou shalt steal ideas from good movies, especially The Road Warrior but do not worry if your results pale in comparison. Just add explosions wherever possible.

Thou shalt have an annoying bumbling comedy relief character who should probably get killed off more oft than not.

Thou shalt ignore barking dogs, honking cars and the rest of normal everyday existence that may wind up on your film. It gives it a "realistic" flavor.

Thou shalt used ping pong eyeball monsters if thine name is Larry Buchanan.

Thou shalt not produce any science fiction movie not based upon Star Wars, The Terminator or Alien.

Thou shalt dress up everyday animals for thy non-humanoid monsters.

Thou shalt not construct spaceship interiors that would fit inside thy ship.

Thou shalt not film night scenes that look like night.

Thou shall have many hairy male butt shots

thou shall not do anything remotely interesting until the 30 minute mark

Thou shalt pad the runtime until thine cup runneth over.

Thou shalt not kill any monster until some variation of "You're terminated f***er" has been uttered.

Thou shalt make all car batteries dead, all monsters bulletproof, and all military personnel SEALS.

Thou shall not invest in "lighting"

The hero of thy film will be shot at pointblank by the enemy and never hit.
Any vehicle involved in a fatal crash/tumble off a cliff must explode as if made of dynamite.
A film taking place in a much earlier time period must leave in shots of modern vehicles or appliances in the background.

All actions and lines of dialogue MUST be performed exactly as written in the script and be devoid of emotion...

Thou shalt retain all contemporary fashions, fads and speech patterns in thy world of the past or future.

Thy post-apocalyptic world shalt have freshly mowed grass.

Thou shalt not create characters who, when in danger, reason as normal people would do.

Thou shalt not have any mayor who is not corrupt, greedy and/or misguided.

Thy shalt not inflict a monster upon thy community outside of major celebrations and peak tourist seasons.

Thy shalt not hold thy hero responsible for any death or destruction he might cause.

Thou shalt only use screwy handpuppets for monsters, for bad puppets are holy.

Do the will of Charles Band, and it shall be the law unto the whole b-movie industry.

Honour Ed Wood and Roger Corman.

Thou shalt not use cgi except when necessary (which is not often).

Thou shalt hold in great esteem the idea of putting a man in a suit, preferably some variation on a gorilla or sea creature costume, as the monster and FX for your film.

Thou shalt get many shots of young people dancing and cavorting in ridiculous fashion, preferably on or at a beach. And be sure to inform your cameraman to linger on moving butts dancing.

Thou shalt hire a terrible rock band to perform for your film and to supply a few songs for the above-mentioned dancing/cavorting.

Thou must hold true to this: Use stock footage when and wherever possible.

Thou must have people screaming. It doesn't matter whether they be man or woman, they must scream frantically at the sight or in the presence of any "monster".

Wheneth possible, Thou shalt be the star, director, producer, and writer of thy film.

Thou shalt do as many one take scenes as thy can.

Thou shalt not showeth thy monster until thy last possible moment to thine audiance.

Honour Doris Wishman and Lloyd Kaufman.

Thou must hire a star of 60s westerns as either a teenage hero or space alien.

* If thy movie is set in the Southern United States, thou shalt have characters named "Bubba" and "Skeeter."

* Thou shalt use the tag line, "It's only a movie . . . only a movie . . . only a movie."

* Thou shalt release thy movie under alternate titles to capitalize on whatever is "hot" at the time (disco, outer space, sharks, etc.)

* Thy opening credits shalt say "Starring [reasonably famous actor from the past]" even though this actor appeareth in only two scenes, seated behind a desk, talking on the telephone.

All the soldiers in thy war movie shalt have accents from either New York or the southern states.

Blessed be the alien world that resembles Bronson Canyon, for it is holy ground.

All brilliant scientists must work from home. So let it be written, so let it be done.

Thou shalt have no other fields of scientific study but a single, generic one.

Thy robots shalt have minds that are sentient, personalities that are complex, physical abilities above those of humans, and the voicebox out of an old Hero Jr.

Thou must never trust the Russians, they are all evil communist pigs.

Thou shalt never portray clowns as normal everyday people simply making a living entertaining children at parties.

Thy Final fight scene must play Never Give You Up.

Thou shalt never act as accordingly to thy script

thou must bake pies/cakes.

Thou shalt mention better movies in the middle of your crappy one so as to slap the audience with the realization that they could be watching the better movie instead.

Thou shalt do no research into any topics thou are not familiar with, even if thy made-up "facts" can be easily disproven by anyone with even the most rudimentary knowledge on the subject.

Thou shalt rip off better movies and change them to fit whatever monster is currently popular, ala "Flight of the Living Dead."

Thou shalt always make female characters fall in love with the lead male or die a gruesome death

Thou shalt remember that during the final act the monster/killer shall always be much easier to defeat, whether by becoming physically weaker or losing all common sense. Both is truly divine.

Thou shalt always urge thy audience to suspend their disbelief even if the audience had already done so and are bothered by such devils as "plot holes" and "logic."

Thou shalt not allow thy hero and heroine to fall in love without making a bad first impression on each other.

Thou shalt not use any part of thy source material, save for title and characters' names.

Thou shalt not stop the action long enough for patrons to realize your movie offers nothing else.

Thou shalt not include children who do not whine, speak in an annoying voice or endanger the other characters.

Thou shalt not allow common sense to get in the way of a cool idea.

Thou shall be directed by Michael Bay.

Thou shall forget about the big name stars you really wanted for your movie and hire their less talented siblings or kids instead.

Thou shalt instruct thy leading man to pattern himself as much as possible after the John Agar!

Thou shalt get actresses, at least one or two, willing to remove some of most of their clothing. Be aware to play up it's in the name of your art.

Thou shalt add mind-numbing and often unnecessary narration during any supposed lulls in action.

Thou shalt shoot most of thine footage in old factories passing for spaceships or a futurized city.

Thou shalt have a monster eat people but never actually show it taking place in any believable fashion on screen.

* Thy heroes shalt have last names such as "Hunter," "Hazard," "Storm," or "Savage."

* Thy female star shalt get her clothes wet and need to change in the same room as the hero - - who she does not like (yet) - - while his back is turned (and he leers into the camera).

* Thy movie shalt have a least one henchman who weighs more than 400 pounds and appears in a least one scene where he is chasing someone on foot.

* A nerdy 12 year old boy shalt develop a plan to thwart the alien invaders before anyone from NASA can figure it out.

* Thou shalt use zooms and pans copiously, even when they have no cinematic purpose.

Thou shalt expand the definition of a movie star to include anyone lucky enough to get at least one role people might actually remember at any time prior to doing your movie.

Further...

Thou shalt rearrange the billing on thy DVD to highlight anyone who became a genuine movie star at some point after doing your movie.

And put a recent photograph of that person on the DVD cover, even though the movie was made in 1971.

Thou shalt put in ridiculous amounts of blood and gore.

Thou shalt not create intelligent nor intriguing scripts, for writing horrendous and inconsistent scripts will guarantee a reward in b-movie heaven.

Thou shalt use lizards with stuff glued on them for dinosaur f/x. It is a sin to use expensive puppetry and computer graphics.

If thy producer tries to make thy film more commercial, fire him/her immediately. It is better to enter b-movie heaven without a commercial film than to make one and be thrown into the abyss, where you will cry and be forced to watch Michael Bay and Rob Zombie movies.

Thou shalt make thy killings very creative and over the top.

Thou shalt not let the annoying comic-relief survive.

Thou shalt allow the camera crew be reflected in mirrors, windows and water.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's plot.