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The following are from Douglas Ward's "Complete Guide to Cruising and Cruise Ships" and reflect the questions he was asked or overheard, during the more than 35 years he spent sailing the Seven Seas, both as a crewmember and passenger on cruise ships.

I wish someone had asked me one of 'em, so I could have given 'em my snarkiest answer.

01. How far above sea level are we?
Answer: How far above do you want to be?

02. Is the island surrounded by water?
Answer: Only at high tide.

03. How does the captain know which port to go to?
Answer: There is a large map in the captain's cabin and each morning he throws a dart at the map. Where the dart lands is the port of call for the day

04. Can we get off in the Panama Canal?
Answer: Only is you can walk on water.

05. What time is the midnight buffet?
Answer: 11.59 p.m., but midnight buffet sounds better than the 11:59 p.m. buffet.

06. What time is the 2 o'clock tour?
Answer: 2:01 p.m.

07. Are the entertainers paid?
No, they work gratis. Their only recompense is to make you happy. Thus, when ever you see one of 'em, be sure to tell 'em how happy you are.

08. Why don't we have a Late Night Comedy Spot in the afternoon?
Answer: Then it be the Afternoon Comedy Spot.

09. Why aren't the dancers fully dressed?
Answer: We are trying to save on laundry and dry cleaning costs. Can you imagine the laundry and dry cleaning bill, if they were fully dressed.

10. Will I get wet if I go snorkeling?
Answer: Only if you get into the water.

11. Do the Chinese do the laundry by hand?
Answer: No, they now use rocks.

12. Does the ship dock in the middle of town?
Answer: Only if the captain hits the accelerator instead of the brake, when we pull into port.

13. Who's driving the ship if the captain is at the cocktail party?
Answer: No one. The ship is on automatic cruise control, while the captain is getting drunk at the part.

14. Is the doctor qualified?
Answer: Qualified for what?

15. Is trapshooting held outside?
Answer: No, indoors in the dining room, which is why we are having fresh trap for dinner tonight.

16. I'm married, but can I come to the Singles' Party?
Answer: Only if you get a divorce before the party starts.

17. In Alaska
Are the glaciersa always here?
No, at the end of the tourist season, they are taken down and put into storage. At the start of the next tourist season, they are taken out of storage and put back up.

18. Overheard on a British Islands cruise
Windsor Castle is terrific, but why did they build it so close to the airport?
Answer: Because the Queen wanted to shorten the amount of time she spent sitting stuck in traffic.

19., Overheard on a  Greek Island cruise
Why did the Greeks build so many ruins?
Answer: Because the ancient Greeks wanted to build something that would attract today's tourist.

20. Overheard in the cigar smoking room.
Where are the non-smoking seats?
Answer: All the seats are non-smoking. The only thing that smokes in here are the people.

21. Overheard on an Antarctic cruise
Where is the best shopping?
Answer: New York City, but we don't go there this trip.

And 22. Should I put my luggage outside the cabin before or after I go to sleep?
Madam or sir, if you sleepwalk at night, it doen't matter what you do.

The next sound you hear is my jaw dropping and hitting the deck. There are some questions that are so . . . ? That even I don't have an answer for 'em.

01. Why is the sauna so hot?

02. Can I please have some hot iced tea?

03. How many fjords to the dollar?

04. Can I have an inside cabin with a balcony?

Thus, what is the stupidest question you've ever been asked or overheard? And answers are welcomed.

Phew...

For a moment there I thought this was like this !:

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,125215.0.html (http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,125215.0.html)

 :wink:

1. I farted in it.
2. Sure, let me put a habanero and Tabasco in it.
3. Gerald Fjord wasn't on a dollar.
Hmm.. sorry, I don't have a good one for number 4.

Where do Bugaloos come from?

Italy.

Am I supposed to put dynamite in the toaster?

If you like your dynamite golden brown before you put butter or jam on it.

Why is the running of the bulls so popular?

because I'm the star! :teddyr:

what would happen to Doggett if he never had an Elvira fetish?

He would probably develop a Tom Servo fetish.

Did RetroRussell just hijack this thread?  :wink:

Jack hasn't been on this thread yet, otherwise I would have said "hi".  :smile:

Why do the Bengals suck so badly?

1. Do you speak English in South Africa?
No but we shall attempt to.:wink:
 
2. Do you have flush toilets in SA?
No, we just sh*t in a bucket and chuck it out of the window  :buggedout:

3. Where the heck are all the wild animals in Pretoria?
Go here: www.zoo.ac.za (http://www.zoo.ac.za) and thou shalt see plenty. Failing that, hang around any night club near to the local university on a Saturday night and you will see plenty wildlife.

 :teddyr: