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Hey guys, I 'm gonna ramble and rant a bit about some of my in laws (one in particular.)  If that sounds boring, just skip this post.

So, I've got four siblings, two blood, two step.  All of them are married and, with the except of my step sister, all have kids. I've come to realization that if it wasn't for the kids, I probably wouldn't hang around my siblings too much.  I mean, don't me wrong, they're okay company, I just don't have too much in common with them.  (I'm the only nerdy, creative weird humored one in the family.)

Anyway, I'm going to focus on my sister's husband, whom I'll call Mark.  I really don't care much for Mark.  My mother just adores him, but she's always placed more value on how "practical" a man is rather than such things as social politeness, being able to show affection, and so on.  And in fairness, he's a pretty handy fellow.  He used to drive a tow truck, is a pretty good mechanic, knows a lot about fixing various things, and, I think he even jumped up several levels in my mom's eyes when, after she moved into her new house (my parents just divorced a few months) he spent several days helping to clean, pull out and lay down new carpet, tile and vinyl.  

Downside is, Mark is, rather bluntly, a bit of jerk.  He's a racist (although he'll deny this, explaining, "No, no, you've got good nwords and you've got bad nwords."  His sense of humor is often sarcastic and cruel, and he was often a bit of a bully to my oldest niece Kelly (his stepdaughter, my sister had Kelly with her first boyfriend.)  Granted, Kelly wasn't the most well behaved or mature girl growing up, but I can't help but wonder how much of that is simply being born to a high school girl, bouncing around between two households, and having an authoritarian jerk for a stepdad.

Course, mom never saw it that way.  She believed Mark has trying to bring discipline and order into Kelly's life and all the conflicts were simply a "step family" situation.  (Course, I could write a whole BOOK about how I don't think my mom is the best person to judge parenting skills, but that's another subject.)

Anyway, we had a family get together for Christmas, the first "post divorce" one.  Other than a few awkward moments like when mom proposed a toast to everyone and started to sob slightly as she told us how much she values us, it went off pretty well.  I got to see my nieces and nephews again, including the youngest whom I hadn't seen since last April or so.  

At one point I'm having a conversation with my sister in law (well, technically, step sister in law but who cares, really?)  When I asked her if she was one Facebook.  She said she was but didn't check it too often, only about once every two weeks.  She said she was really busy, so she didn't get on there too much.  Then Mark, who, heretofore was not even a part of this conversation comes in and says, "Only people with no lives have Facebook."  

And I'm like, the hell?  How do I respond to that?

So, I made a little barb back, "That or people who don't know how to use a computer."

And he's like, "Oh, yeah, I only work at a computer on my job."  

I could have said more, but I didn't want to continue the conversation and he went off to annoying someone else I guess.

I don't know, what compels people to be jerks like that and interject stuff like that into someone's else conversation?  (I mean, I know why people on the internet do it, but in real life?

(sigh)

No need to even give him the time of day. Like you said, he can go and annoy someone else.

Every family has what you described going on somewhere, or something akin to it.

My sister-in-law is a loud, obnoxious, moronic, racist, ignorant white-trash person. Most people in my family cringe if it is discovered she will be showing up to a family function. She had no social graces, and is almost entirely ignorant to the reality that she grates on the nerves of nearly everyone she talks to. She and her husband were, several years ago, doing very well financially, and were very pretencious and snobby about it, despite being white-trash at heart. Also very intolerant and looked down their noses at anyone who was not financially successful or have their same ingorant intolerant values.

Then a couple of years ago they became the victims of our depressed economy, lost their business, and really fell on hard times. It was very difficult for me to take when I heard about how she was going around begging people around our family for help and actually being her usual pushy self, thinking she was entitled and that we were obligated to help her, the same people she has routinely abused with her obnoxious, snobby bulls**t for years. She was pressuring my sister for money last year and I felt like telling my dear sis to tell her to go to hell, but it wouldnt' have been my call or my business, and she has to deal with keeping peace and not alienating herself with her husband.

So, long story short. I feel ya. Every family has something like that going on.

BTM: He's not important.  His 'type' is kinda sad, actually.  But he is not important enough to be bothered over.  Really. You are better than that.  Dismiss him just as Flick James suggested.

Flick James: Have you ever noticed how the people who behave the most snobbishly are the ones who  do not have anything real to be snobbish about?  My husband's SIL is prone to putting on airs and looking down her nose, and she has absolutely no grounds for doing so.   Another sad little person: she'll never be anything better than what she is (and that is a lot less than what she seems to think she is!).

Just because they are family does not make them any the more significant.  Let them be.  The best way to deal with them is to not let them 'get' to you and to carry on as you will.  If you can manage to feel a bit sorry for their limitations while you are at it, well, then you have some measure of distance from it and perhaps even a harmless 'revenge' of a sort by depriving them of any influence.   :wink:

I have a brother-in-law that I love, but sometimes don't get along with.  He is a know-it-all racist, talks dumb sh!t too often, and is too old for my sister (they've been married 20 years, now, though.)  I accept she loves him, and he is good to her and their daughter.  When my Dad died, I have to say that of the whole family, it was my brother-in-law who was there to support me when I had to do an unpleasant task that neither of my two sisters or brothers had the cajones to deal with.  So, one must take the good with the bad, and accept difference, compromise, and look for common ground. 

I've noticed that all too well. Those that have the most to prove often have the least to offer.

Damn. You and CheezeFlixz are related?




Ah like this guy. :thumbup:

By the time the evening was over I'd have him crying like a little girl...but that's just me.


Possible replies to his "re-Mark" (bwhahahahaha...get it...get it...re....ahh....shut up)


"So you do have an account."

"Men who use handtools are compensating for a small penis."

"You really should stop getting your advice from public bathroom stalls. For instance, the other day I read on one that Mark gives good head, and I know that's wrong because you don't give good head."

"Did anybody in your family survive puberty?"

"Damn...why does my sister let you stick your dick in her?"


Of course, those are just a warm-up. He will get defensive, his defenses will be down (notice what is seemingly a contradiction), at which point is when you calmly and collectively dissect him, making him feel like the proverbial insect.


There's been talk about types, people like that and such; but as people we do conflict with one another. Yes, there's going to be people who are more wrong than others, who give a damn less than others, and when somebody is like, and it's not just us seeing them like that, they need to be trained.

Some people are going to always have a remark to make, or some kind of input to get a reaction. They need to be heard, and they need to be rewarded; they feel the need for a reward, and a reaction is their reward.

Two things which work against that is:

1) Not getting any attention

2) Being made to look stupid

Somebody who always has that snide remark is looking to get a response. He knows he can push your buttons. Handymen and geeks; they just weren't designed to go together.

If you can't ignore his remarks, just turn them into something childish and embarrassing for him. Don't reply to the remark, reply to the stupidity: "well that was a good one...would you like a cookie now?", and even at that, then turn and ignore. Not only would he have not pushed your button, he is then being made to feel childish and not getting your attention.

If you want to go beyond that, after you have demeaned and ignored him, say something funny or witty to somebody else to get a response. Now he has been ignore, made to feel stupid, and somebody else is getting the attention he tried to get. He will stew over it.

Do keep in mind that it takes patience and practice to turn the tables like this. If you don't succeed, do like you did before and just turn your attention to somebody else. Don't let yourself get upset, or you fall right into his game.

The only problem with outwitting and humiliating idiots is sometimes they decide to punch you!

Good point. The last time I humiliated an idiot that probably would have happened if I hadn't been brandishing a broken liquor bottle at the time.


I'm just kidding. As much as I appreciate Menard's subtle approach, decide for yourself if such a think is worth the potential alienation amongst your family.

All the posts in response to the topic remind me of a tee shirt I saw recently. It said:


                                                  CSI
                                        Can't Stand Idiots   :teddyr:
   

Hmm... have to bring you to my next get together then.  

I gotta give it to him, he is funny at times, and his "down home" way of viewing things can make sense.  Like the time we got on the subject on burglars and he gave this advice, "Just shoot him, then fire a shot into the wall and tell the officer, 'Well, I fired a warning shot, but he still came after me.'"  


Well, there were little kids present, so I didn't want to get too raunchy.  Plus there is the uncomfortable fact that he could, more than likely kick my ass if I went too far.  (Although I'd like to think I'd get a lick or two in, but let's face, I'm not exactly in shape.)


Well, I guess that's also part of the problem.  There's a lot of people in this world who think I'm funny, but, for the most part, I'm not related to them.  Most of my relatives are either down to earth type people or overly religious, so an oddball like me just kind of sticks out.  

I guess that's what's really bugging me: it's not really Mark per se, it's just this pervasive feeling I have of not really belonging anywhere.  And I guess the naive part of me clings to the idea that if no where else, family should be the place you can goto and feel like you can be yourself.  

Is this kind of sounding like telling someone to listen to their fears?

Someone doesn't have a right to stress someone out for their own personal entertainment. Of course, we are probably in agreement that is by perspective.

When there are situations when somebody just aims to get to you, it doesn't make a lot of sense to let them keep doing it as all they are doing is harming you, and are most likely too stupid to get it, or just don't give a damn.

Giving into fears is not going to accomplish anything (notice the distinction between fear and common sense). If somebody constantly gives into their fears, there's always going to be somebody who will take advantage of that.

I feel bad for your niece (his stepdaughter).  My best friend has a stepfather that seems a bit like this guy.  She’s suffered some serious depression and anxiety issues that stem from how he treated her growing up.  He wasn’t physically abusive, but he was constantly in her face, putting her down, giving her unfair chores, and lecturing her.  The worst part is that around most other people he was as sweet as pie.. really helpful, funny, and complimentary, so when she’d tell people what an a-hole he was, they thought she was making it up.  I spent enough time with her growing up to see him show his true colors, but even then I knew he was holding back a little.  The guy was a creep, he’d listen in on our phone conversations and in the middle of talking he’d pop-in and add his input.  He even listened to us talking through the vents when I’d sleep over at her house and then discuss what we were talking about at breakfast the next day, often to tease and embarrass my friend in front of me.  He’d scold her and make references to personal matters when she had friends over.. man he was such an a-hole.  Now that she’s doing better for herself, and married with a kid, he’s all chummy with her calling her his “daughter” and telling her how proud he is of her and it absolutely makes her sick.

Aside from some lessons at Menard’s School of Intimidation and Self Defense, try to be there for your niece if you can.  Even if it’s something as simple as dropping her off or picking her up from somewhere in place of him.  Sure, he might punch you, but I don’t think your mom would be so quick to jump to his defense after that.

Also, I’m living proof that not all people with no life have facebook accounts!

There's a certain part of life called being yourself, Mike, and not who you can't be. There's nothing wrong with being yourself, especially if yourself is rather unique, but it can be daunting as too often family makes someone feel like they need to fit a certain mold, and unfortunately when they try, they fall flat on their faces and feel humiliated.

The sad part of that is that everybody else is being everybody else; like they want to be applauded for being no different.

It's sounding like the case with Mark is not so much that he tries to push your buttons as he is able to get accepted by family and make the comments that gets the attention, and you're not getting that; so his flaws, to you, stand out.

Part of it is you, but a good part is your audience. It doesn't take long for the wise cracking normal guy to get notice, or accepted, but it can take a while for the oddball. The oddball does have one advantage though acceptance and finding oneself may take a while in the long run the oddball will be their own person with their own brand while that wise cracking normal guy is still just a wise cracking normal guy, and there's no shortage of them.

Why no Facebook account?

I hope you didn't think I was chastising you, Menard. I assure that is not the case.

Because, a life or not, Facebook is the enemy of the people.   :teddyr:

I'm inclined to agree that aggressively obnoxious people are often hiding a serious inferiority complex. Gotta prove all those other people aren't better than you. Gotta stay in control.

If somebody butts into a conversation with a rude comment, I would call them on the intrusion more than the comment. "Wow, that sure added a lot." "Who rattled your cage?" "Would you care to join in the conversation, or just kibitz from the sidelines?"

Of course, the beauty of people like that is that you are never alone in your opinion of them. You're bound to find another relative who can't stand him either, and if he's as bad as you say, he's bound to wear thin on the ones who like him. One rude comment too many is all it takes.

By the way, how come of all the regulars on this board who have Facebook, Menard is the only one I've managed to connect with?

Me not have Facebook either. I used to have Myspace and HI 5 though, a few years back.


Reminds me of an old friend I had...had being the key word. This guy was a real jerk.

Everytime you told him something, it was always countered with negativity.

Had a problem you wanted to discuss with him? It was always, "better you than me"  or "well that's the difference between you and me, because I don't do "this" or "that."

Always praising his own "intelligence" while downgrading others for their mistakes.

But whenever HE made a mistake, it was just a mistake.  

Then it was the constant "yeah but" he would engage in to try to convince himself he was right no matter what, and a laundry list of other offenses too long to convey.

Needless to say he was self centered, self-serving and dismissive of everything around him except his own reality.  Which is why he's no longer my friend.

The day my next door neighbor's nephew was killed in an ATV accident (no helmet) he came right out and said, "not to be rude, but what a fu*kin idiot for not wearing a helmet."  

That was the day he and I split.

Well, my niece is pretty much on her own now.  She's got her own place with her current boyfriend.  As I've mentioned in other posts she had a baby girl October 09 and is expecting her second child next January.  Yeah, she got pregnant again shortly after the first one was born.  And did I mention that, like her mother, she was only 18 when she had the first one?

Neat how that sort of thing keeps repeating in circles, huh?

Anyway, I do wish the best for her, just not sure how that'll turn out in the end.  C'est la vie, you know?

I dunno, Andy.  How come?   :question:

My (rarely visited!) Facebook account seems to be mostly populated with gals I went to high school with posting endless photos of cute kittens, their kids, and making absurb requesting for fish.

I'd love to have some of you guys stirring stuff on there!  :thumbup:

Beats me, I have a link to my Facebook profile on my Badmovies.org forum profile.  (Unless I put in the url wrong..)

I come from a family of oddballs (we regularly "argue" over who the black sheep of the family is). I guess it is the nature of the oddball to feel like he doesn't fit in anywhere; I certainly feel that way. My siblings and I get along well, but since I'm the youngest by 5 years, our points of cultural reference are slightly different, and they often talk about childhood times that were before my time. My wife and daughter accept and love me, but they don't understand some aspects of my personality (like my love for bad movies  :smile:). That's the thing about family: They may not understand you all the time, but generally they still accept and love you. You may not "fit in," but never let that be the guiding force in your life. As others have said, being true to who you are is more important.

Not that this helps in dealing with a jerk in the family. I'm one who just generally takes the abuse, gets angry for a minute or two, and then lets it go. My wife has four brothers. Two are all right. Two are jacka$$es. She agrees with me about this, so we tend to avoid the bad ones when we can, and just ignore their jacka$$ery when we can't. Being the bigger person is a more valuable life trait to me than putting someone in his place and causing more strife. It isn't easy, and some consider me a pushover, but it's ultimately me who has to live with me, and I choose to be the person I want to be. You seem to have a similar viewpoint; otherwise, you'd have changed your personality to "fit in."

I don't know if I've said anything really helpful to you, but know that I can at least understand some of what you're dealing with and can commisserate.

And if anyone wants to connect with me on Facebook, PM me. I have no life.  :tongueout:

Wow, that's just beyond the pale.  Did you tell him off at that point, or just stopped hanging out with him?

I used to work with a guy, a reporter, who just delighted in tearing down anyone wealthier, more influential or more important than he was (a lot of people, really). Extremely competitive, very petty. You could just feel the insecurity coming off him.

He was also one of those people who liked to have it both ways. He was more sensible, practical and down-to-earth than the foolish city people who like to come to the area, but at the same time much wiser and more sophisticated than some of the amusingly backward hicks around here. In his own mind, he managed to be better than everybody, for completely opposite reasons.

One of a very small number of people I can truthfully say I hate, without any exaggeration.

I have a brother-in-law I've barely ever spoke with.  He's a total douche.  He barely ever speaks to anyone.  And my niece (from my sister and her ex) accused him of phsycial violence at one point, which has completely alienated her mom and him and his own children from the rest of our family.  They have since put her on prescription drugs, because they no doubt feel it's all her fault.  I still care about my niece and I know my sister still cares about me so I still get to see my niece once in a great while (most of the rest of our family is not so lucky), but if that P.O.S. "brother-in-law" were to disappear forever I'm not sure I would give a crap.

You see this is why I'm particularly cynical about journalists in general.  You know that person back in high school that could start a rumor about pretty much anyone and hordes of people would believe it no matter how blatantly outrageous it was?  And God forbid you get on that person's bad side; they'll came at you both guns blazing?  

Well imagine someone like that only with an audience of several thousand (maybe even hundreds of thousands) of people, and you have a good chunk of modern reporters.

Ooooo, we had it out over the phone, big time.  We had it out about his self-centered "I Me, Mine" attitude, his lack of wanting to hear what other people had to say, and his constant dismissal of others opinions to suit his own reality.  It was a blow-out that covered all the bases.

When I asked him how I would like it if I said that about his father's then-recent diabetes-related death (calling him a dumba*s for not taking care of himself) he went ballistic:

He went "you leave my family out of this!!!"  The usual hypocritical response.

Another thing: He would always avoid having to apologize by saying "oh well that was in the past."   That was what really got me. We had it out about that too.

I'm suprised I put up with it as long as I did. 

But, since we were friends since childhood, and because I gave him the benefit of the doubt several times over the years because of his mother's alcoholism (and his father using his job to escape her) I let a lot slip that I should have tackled earlier. My mistake.

I sent you a FB friend request a few days back, Andy.  :smile:

As did I.  :teddyr:

I sent one too.  :smile:

I'd suggest you ignore him.
Him being a dick doesn't lead anywhere.
Meanwhile, you're better than him. By not being a dick.

That said, if he crosses the line, I'd suggest you to tell him off. Confront him with himself.
As in: "Look. Look how much of a dumb a***ole you are."
Explain it to him.