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Information Exchange => Movie Reviews => Topic started by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 07:23:45 PM



Title: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 07:23:45 PM
Begins at 8:00 PM (CST) today on 11/12/11.

"Thank you" to Indiana Smith for the request. Everyone else, better luck next week.  :twirl:


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:00:18 PM
It's SHOWTIME!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:01:33 PM
1 min - Nice Tim Curry impression.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:03:01 PM
1 min - See the candalabra behind the "expert's" head? Subtle.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:03:52 PM
1:50 (Changing up the timestamps) - Wow! Cleanest knife ever! It looks like it didn't even cut his neck!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:05:06 PM
2:00 - Now he's bleeding! A little delayed. Also, nobody was there to keep the killer from attacking him? It's a live TV broadcast!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:06:58 PM
3:15 - What accent is that supposed to be? I thought Tommy Wiseau's accent was obscure...


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:07:53 PM
3:45 - Why is there a sign saying "Please knock"? There isn't even a door there.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:10:04 PM
4:19 - Thanks for that little bit of worthless exposition! If you didn't say that I wouldn't be able to tell he worked in gene isolation! also thanks for circling it on the board like you're teaching this to a classroom. Jackass.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:11:04 PM
5:25 - Biologically enhanced super soldiers? Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:13:57 PM
6:15 - Yes, you've GOT to be kidding! Why the hell would you clone serial killers?! The only thing special about serial killers is that they're sociopathic, giving them poker faces that gets them out of sticky situations! Why would you bother making soldiers out of these guys?! And no way in hell they're going to listen to YOUR orders.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:15:52 PM
6:20 - "X-13 is the future of modern warfare!"

Call of Duty 6: Modern Warfare 7 - X-13 (Or Dahmer Vs. Gacy) The Reckoning


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:18:06 PM
7:50 - How the flying **** does that make the slightest bit of sense?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:19:25 PM
*Yawn*

Anybody else want to watch some Dexter?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:20:58 PM
10:20 - He was killed by REALLY bad editing!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:22:45 PM
11:39 - Seriously? What's with this editing? What's the point of taking 5 different shots of the same angle in the same scene? It's not artsy, it's distracting.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:24:15 PM
12:00 - Is this what happened to Wilford Brimley after his career ended and he got DIABEETUS?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:25:15 PM
12:29 - He found a camera in the trash? OH I GET IT! That's not Wilford! That's Ford Austin!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:26:32 PM
12:50 - That oddly clean looking rat seems to be unable to move its legs properly. It's almost like the rat is... Fake?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:27:11 PM
I gotta give him this, he's more sane than anybody currently trying to occupy Wall Street.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:27:49 PM
13:45 - Circus Circus?! Nobody told me HE was in this movie!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:32:15 PM
16:00 min - The hostile overtone didn't clue you in on the fact that this guy is a creep?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:34:28 PM
16:58 - What the hell? The camera cuts out immediately after that? What did the f**king camera run out of batteries?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:35:43 PM
17:19 - Wait now he's IRISH? I thought he was Russian! Just pick a damn accent and stick with it!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:37:43 PM
18:05 - Thanks for showing us the guy's name on the window. I already kinda forgot his name is Stravinski. Seriously, how stupid does Ford Austin think we are?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:40:59 PM
IMDB fact - Dahmer is played by Ford Austin himself? Don't you LOVE pretentious pricks that STAR in their own movies?

How many movies starring their directors were actually succ-

(http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41QFSW0H5AL._SL500_AA300_.jpg)


Oohh... Right...
____________________________
19:49 - The movie has given up. We're hoping midget mimes are amusing the pea-brained audience now.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:42:12 PM
12:55 - Dude, the clown is doing his job just like you. Don't f**king pick on him.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:43:24 PM
22:22 - Yeah, you can SO say that on TV and not expect backlash!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:45:58 PM
24:04 - Those voices aren't talking to you, fool! They're looking for Ringo Star!

24:27 - Brilliant, a 555 number. Just to make sure nobody tries calling poor bastards. I know I wouldn't want my phone number in this piece of s**t.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:46:43 PM
25:48 - God has a sense of humor.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:47:47 PM
26:31 - PFFT! Go to church? Trust me, pal... Nobody likes going to church!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:48:29 PM
27:18 - Is it just me or does that bottle of Jack Daniel's look more like apple juice than whiskey?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:49:11 PM
27:30 - This music is PERFECTLY appropriate!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:50:07 PM
28:00 - This must be Gunnery Sgt. Heartman's wife.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:50:46 PM
29:12 - W- Wait.. THAT'S THE BOX COVER OF THE MOVIE!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:51:24 PM
29:23 - We have no evidence suggesting these murders are related, we're just assuming they are.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:53:17 PM
29:59 - "Micheal Bay to produce original movie and its remake back to back."

Really? You're going criticize other bad directors in the middle of your low-budget, b-list, dime-a-dozen, psudo-horror?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:54:11 PM
30:30 - Pretty sure they just picked this guy off the street and said "Wanna be in a movie?"


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:54:46 PM
31:00 - Why is everyone so damn morbid?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:55:25 PM
Why do you guys keep suggesting intentionally bad movies?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:56:26 PM
32:13 -... Just waiting for you to get to the punch-line... Wait? That's it? Okay, time wasted.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:57:25 PM
33:30 - Wait they already LEFT the facility instead of killing the guy they wanted to kill? What is this? I don't even-


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:58:11 PM
34:27 - Camera guy's a little buzzed right now, maybe we should shoot this later.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 09:59:57 PM
35:26 - Don't compare yourself to Plan 9. Ed Wood actually TRIED to make a good movie.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:00:50 PM
36:57 - The D&D larpers called, they want their cardboard walls back.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:02:15 PM
38:41 - I wish I could turn this off.

Actually I can, but I'm not going to. I love you guys too much...

Don't read into that too much.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:04:08 PM
40:25 - You think you can change the station on GOD?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:05:19 PM
41:38 - Interesting taste in women. She's probably a dominatrix just so you know.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:06:13 PM
42:30 - That would be the greatest episode of "Weakest Link" ever.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:08:02 PM
44:15 - Wow, serial killer fans are pretty hot.

Not sure what the motivation is.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:08:34 PM
45:00 - Where do you buy a Dahmer lunchbox?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:09:49 PM
46:07 - Do they intentionally pick scientists with the weirdest names?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:10:48 PM
46:48 - Are you trying to be funny?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:12:09 PM
47:55 - "I don't know" is not a suitable response.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:14:07 PM
48:40 - Ford Austin: "Hey guys! I found the COOLEST effect on my pirated Sony Vegas Pro 08 copy! It looks like a wavy TV with blue static! it's SOOOO cool!"


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:18:17 PM
53:30 - I think they just recorded the actresses' reaction to finding out we're making this s**t sillier by adding ninjas.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:20:51 PM
56:30 - Trying to hide your identity? Keep wearing your lab coat that states the project you're working on.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:23:01 PM
58:30 - You've got to be kidding. A katana? Why is there a katana buried in the middle of a Forrest?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:24:59 PM
1:00:00 - Why am I so bored by a Redneck with a katana fighting off ninjas? This should be awesome! They've gone and make the ridiculous boring!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:26:48 PM
1:02:40 - Ninjas have the power to vanish into a s**tty cross-fade.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:28:01 PM
1:03:40 - Really, does anyone want to watch Dexter? Come on now, I'm sick of this.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:30:03 PM
1:05:50 - Is Dahmer the Christopher Walken of serial killers?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:30:30 PM
1:06:30 - I am SOOOO afraid of this guy's Canadian accent.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:31:23 PM
1:07:18 - Why do you keep putting off killing him? Just DO it!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:32:58 PM
1:08:00 - Really? Dahmer just left a swiss army knife in his pocket? No, I should stop trying to point out logic flaws.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:34:23 PM
1:09:13 - ...This part is fun...  :thumbup:


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:34:56 PM
1:10:00 - It's called "Silence of The Lambs", it's a much better movie than yours.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:36:12 PM
1:11:10 - These interpretations of homosexuals are SOOOO accurate right?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:37:47 PM
1:12:23 - You're a clone. You're not a resurrected Gacy. You're a carbon reproduction, you've never been to Hell.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:40:04 PM
Sorry for falling silent, this is just a long fight scene.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:43:06 PM
1:17:20 - Really? Corn-on-the-cob kill? Also how come Gacy gets so little screen-time and he's already dead?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:45:55 PM
1:21:00 - I was wondering where that guy went. I mean he's SUUUUUUCH a likeable character!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:47:10 PM
1:22:00 - Gacy's body vanishes like a dead video game enemy?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:48:05 PM
1:23:07 - Really? Did that SERIOUSLY happen? Why? How? What the hell?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:50:00 PM
1:25:00 - Admittedly I would have preferred a Charles Manson movie.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:51:01 PM
Credits - Apparently Ford was not just the director and Dahmer. He was also Ringo. So what does that mean for his career? A big 'ol pile of f**kall.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 12, 2011, 10:54:29 PM
Overall - A really cheaply made and immature comedy. This one goes in the bin with Cowboy Killer, Thankskilling, Monsturd and Pervert!. I have a new rule. You may no longer suggest INTENTIONALLY bad movies. Please request something that had a director with the motivation (and intelligence) of Ed Wood. Directors so stupid they think their s**t don't stink.

Whatever, A.J.'s signing off for the night. Good night to all my fellow fans of Schlock!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: indianasmith on November 12, 2011, 11:21:59 PM
Your comments had me rolling on the floor.  Great review!
BTW, beside this thing, COWBOY KILLER is Oscar Material.
But I'll admit, DAHMER VS. GACY did make me laugh.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Dahmer Vs. Gacy
Post by: Olivia Bauer on November 13, 2011, 11:18:54 PM
Your comments had me rolling on the floor.  Great review!
BTW, beside this thing, COWBOY KILLER is Oscar Material.
But I'll admit, DAHMER VS. GACY did make me laugh.

Thanks, Indy. Anyone else have any comments?  I like it when people have things to say after a review.