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Information Exchange => Movie Reviews => Topic started by: A.J. Bauer on November 19, 2011, 07:37:22 PM



Title: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 19, 2011, 07:37:22 PM
(http://i.imgur.com/4kJll.png)

Bruno Mattei, a name in cinema associated to schlock. Some would say this man is on the same level as Edward D. Wood Jr.; I think that comparing these two is dishonoring Ed Wood. While Eddy craved attention and the life of a director Mattei craved only money. He cashed in on the biggest crazes by making poorly-shot knock-off flicks, much like the despised Asylum Studios.

Tonight I shall endure the mental anguish brought on by one of Mattei's films, RATS - NIGHT OF TERROR! I shall delve into this film with little to no knowledge. Will this film be hilariously poorly-made schlock or a display or idiocy that will plunge me into mental anguish? Tonight, we shall know.

Today, I will be accompanied by a guest. My dear cousin Joshua John Bauer. He was with me for Mac & Me and Pervert! and now he's come to assist with tonight's viewing. Bit him fair welcome, and good luck.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: InformationGeek on November 19, 2011, 08:41:22 PM
Hmm... looks like the kind of film I like.  Good luck to you on this.

Also, I'll get you next time with Standing Ovation.  Next time! *Insert Cat Meow here*


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:00:24 PM
IT'S SHOWTIME!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:00:56 PM
Start - Oh god! Pick a dub! Jesus, my poor ears!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:01:39 PM
0:47 - You expect me to pay attention with this dubbing?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:02:54 PM
2:08 - Lucifer? I figured I was in Hell.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:05:18 PM
Start- Worst. Dub. Ever.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:07:14 PM
4:00 - Really? Do you need the epic music for the guy taking his gloves off?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:08:21 PM
4:35- What kind of gun is that?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:08:45 PM
5:26 - The patrons probably cleared out when they found out Bruno Mattei was shooting a movie in the bar.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:09:49 PM
6:13 - Again with the dub! If you're going to dub a movie you can't play both the original audio and the dub at the same time!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:11:02 PM
7:55 - Aaaaaaaand how long are we holding this shot?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:11:35 PM
8:22 - Let's hope there isn't a crystal skull inside.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:12:37 PM
9:33 - That isn't how you- uh guys- uh. Mind your table manners. uh- guys...


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:13:07 PM
9:52 - I GET IT! YOU FOUND FOOD! I'm happy for you! SHUT UP!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:14:49 PM
Sorry, J.J. can't find much to say. I can't blame him.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:15:28 PM
12:13 - Put the toy shotgun away, junior.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:16:14 PM
13:05 - How many times do we have to hear the damn organ?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:16:53 PM
13:37 - Scaring the s**t out of your clearly armed friend... Smart...


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:17:32 PM
14:22 - Hey, babe. You doin' anything tonight?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:18:07 PM
14:22 Why the f**k was there a dead body in the closet?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:19:28 PM
Technical note - I seem to have downloaded a file that plays two dubs instead of one. The review will continue but most of the dialog will be hard to decipher, and the story will be hard to make out.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:19:51 PM
14:22 Why the f**k was there a dead body in the closet?!

I'd make a coming out of the closet joke, but I'm better than that.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:20:33 PM
7:11 - Not sure if it's weed or fake grass you'd put in an Easter basket.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:23:13 PM
20:00 - I think these guys will need some hand sanitizer after this.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:23:41 PM
20:05- Did they really just lite a pile of dead bodies on fire?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:24:16 PM
20:30 - We really don't need a pan of the whole group Bruno. I think we need a shot clock.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:26:18 PM
23:00 - I love how they didn't even get nude for this sex scene.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:27:01 PM
23:50 - He's just p**sed because he ran out of eye shadow.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:28:06 PM
24:21 - Not even going to peel that orange? Just bite into it? Okay.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:28:10 PM
24:36 - The rat just loves to stalk his prey.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:29:21 PM
25:55 - The sad thing is... It's just V8.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:30:26 PM
26:56 - Who's the jerk dumping a bucket of rats on his head?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:30:30 PM
26:55 - It's raining rats!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:31:09 PM
26:55 - It's raining rats!

Hallelujah, it's raining rats!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:32:15 PM
28:40 - This movie doesn't need any more slow panning, Bruno.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:33:03 PM
29:27 (Dub issue) - Nobody is talking in the original audio! Why is there dubbing?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:34:31 PM
30:34 - What did they do to make this rat look like an albino... Cover it in flower?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:35:24 PM
31:50 - Judging by the music they're about to fight the first boss!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:36:04 PM
32:26 - ...Is it okay to make fun of her for being incredibly flat?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:36:14 PM
32:20 - Did the rat just kill a f**kING! human?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:37:02 PM
33:30 - Someone shut up Tonya Harding over there!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:37:59 PM
34:10 - This is reminding me of John Carpenter's "The Thing". Or rather, how much I'd rather be watching The Thing.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:38:06 PM
33:58 - OMFG he just set his friend on fire...


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:39:05 PM
35:22 - Yeah, just fire wildly at the sky. I'm SURE you'll hit something!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:40:10 PM
36:30 - Maybe I missed something due to the dub blocking the dialog but why don't they just... LEAVE?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:42:33 PM
35:59 - Gee what will the blonde do running?

A. Run away?
B. Kill a rat?
C. Trip and Fall like in all other horror movies....

If you answered C you are correct lol.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:44:01 PM
40:15 - Why does Mattei refuse to use other shots? Jeez.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:45:50 PM
42:00 - Why would you scream for so long at a tarantula that is NOWHERE NEAR YOU?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:46:02 PM
42:07 - She just got b***h slapped!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:51:31 PM
47:27 - It seems that Mr. Ascot over there got to wash his clothes between lighting up a dead body and this scene.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:53:02 PM
49:17 - Seriously, what's up with the gun designs in this film?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:53:19 PM
47:00 - Why is she laying in bed getting treated for after she got trampled mice?!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:54:45 PM
49:17 - Seriously, what's up with the gun designs in this film?

Bungie helped make this film..


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:57:18 PM
53:00 - Oh good job swinging your torch dumbass.. Have no light for the rest a the movie.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:57:24 PM
53:40 - Does that girl do anything other than scream?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 04:59:47 PM
56:08 - FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP PLAYING THAT SONG OVER AND OVER! PLAY SOMETHING ELSE!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:00:03 PM
56:09 - There we go with the boss music again!!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:01:41 PM
57:50 - IS that a rat umm.. pole.. dancing?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:03:53 PM
1:00:00 - GOD! Nothing ever happens! It's just creepy music and slow walking! DO SOMETHING!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:04:28 PM
Why are the rats wet in every scene?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:06:35 PM
1:02:45 - No wonder there are so many rats after them! Look at the black chick's hair! IT'S A f**kING RAT'S NEST!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:08:09 PM
1:04:27 - Why does that gun have five barrels? What are the other barrels for?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:09:18 PM
1:05:20 - Did you see that?! He had smoke or steam or something shooting out of his back!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:10:24 PM
1:05:20 - What the f**k did the rats do to get inside of the guys body?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:11:53 PM
1:07:20 - And THAT children is why you THROW a grenade. That guy throws like a b***h.


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:15:11 PM
1:10:30 - Why would you commit suicide when there's at least a CHANCE you can get out of this alive?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:19:34 PM
1:14:55 - Why would you bother moving her corpse? And why did she scream at the body of a girl who they knew was already dead?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:22:22 PM
1:17:50 - How long do we have to listen to this thing talk?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:25:11 PM
1:20:25 - Oh god! They're in Silent Hill! Quick! Put a fish bowl on your head!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:27:10 PM
1:22:30 - I don't care how many rats there are. THAT IS A STEEL DOOR!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:27:45 PM
1:22:25 - A leaf blower?


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:32:12 PM
1:27:33 - (http://theyellowkid.files.wordpress.com/2010/08/what-a-twist.jpg)


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: J.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:33:47 PM
1:27:33 - The people in the haz-mat suit were.... GIANT RAT MEN!!!


Title: Re: A.J. and J.J. Bauer Reviews: Rats Night of Terror
Post by: A.J. Bauer on November 20, 2011, 05:34:33 PM
Thanks guys for actually requesting real schlock instead of intentional garbage. While the film became monotonous, J.J. and I had a lot of fun riffing it. I'll restart the last poll but with "Rats - Night of Terror" removed. Thanks guys!