Badmovies.org Forum

Information Exchange => Movie Reviews => Topic started by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 07:59:21 PM



Title: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 07:59:21 PM
At 8:00 PM (CST) I will begin my riff on the 2010 Christmas box office catastrophe "The Nutcracker in 3D". Obviously my copy won't have the actual 3D but I don't feel like giving myself a headache. Why was this film considered so bad? Well keep in mind that I haven't watched it before tonight, so I'll have no clue until the review begins. After the embarrassment of Rats: Night of Terror I watched a few excerpts from this movie to make sure that it didn't have any weird issues. Everything seems to be in order. I'll see you guys in an hour.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:00:05 PM
IT'S SHOW TIME!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:01:44 PM
1:00 - The Nutcracker the Untold Story? They advertised it as Nutcracker 3D what's this subtitle about?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:03:33 PM
2:43 - Erm... I think this kid needs help. Please tell me he doesn't play with anthills and magnifying glasses.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:05:37 PM
4:50 - Uhg. Inattentive parent that won't pay attention to their children. Welcome to the '90s.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:06:20 PM
5:40 - That is the most stereotypical German doctor I've ever seen. Not offensive at all.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:08:20 PM
7:50 - He said a STORY! Of course it's made up you little... Grr..


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:09:10 PM
8:30 - Gee whiz, I wonder if the dolls will become real characters relevant to the plot when the initial incident occurs.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:09:54 PM
9:13 - "I call him NC for short."

...Nostalgia Critic?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:11:36 PM
10:20 - DUMMY! You don't actually crack nuts with the Nutcracker... Which will always bother me.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:12:26 PM
11:30 - That thing is disturbing. It peers into my soul without remorse. It will haunt my nightmares.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:13:32 PM
12:07 - Oh dear god... Offensive doctor stereotype with a theory called "Relativity", I bet they thought they were being subtle and witty.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:20:35 PM
15:00 - That thing just got creepier. By this point I would have popped it's f**king head off and thrown holy water at it.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:23:29 PM
17:30 - Spontaneous combustion? She believes this? Dear god.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:24:33 PM
Please, please, please, please tell me the Nutcracker doesn't ALWAYS sound like that.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:25:55 PM
20:00 - OH GOD! HE OPENED THE VOID! THE NUTCRACKER WILL PULL YOU INTO OBLIVION!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:27:03 PM
21:05 - You know what this movie needs? More CGI!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:27:34 PM
21:30 - It's funny because he's fat!  :bouncegiggle:

Wait, no it isn't.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:29:08 PM
23:00 - Oh great... It's John Wayne Gacy. I've had enough of that.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:30:41 PM
24:10 - Oh dear god! I thought this movie couldn't BE anymore offensive! Now we have Jamaican stereotypes! Please tell me he doesn't start smoking pot.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:32:28 PM
26:22 - More and more racism. Yeesh. No you're making fun of the Russians.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:33:01 PM
27:00 - JESUS! She sparkles more than a f**king vampire! It's killing my eyes.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:33:28 PM
27:37 - Wait a second... Is that... Tin foil?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:34:07 PM
28:13 - This is more scary than fantastic if you ask me.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:34:46 PM
29:00 - ARE YOU SEEING THIS BLUE SCREEN?!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:35:48 PM
29:55 - That flying scene was about as convincing as the ones from Superman.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:36:22 PM
30:25 - What? I thought it was a rat king?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:37:20 PM
31:30 - That is just... *Shiver*


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:37:55 PM
32:00 - And now his voice is radically different.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:38:19 PM
32:30 - If this movie gets any sweeter I'll have diabetes.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:39:24 PM
33:20 - Oh s**t! I know those guys! They're General Katana's men from Highlander II!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:40:45 PM
34:30 - So wait... The Rat King is the son of the Rat Queen? Does that make him a prince? Or... URRRRGHHH! I don't even care.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:41:32 PM
35:35 - Why do the rats look like Nazis?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:43:28 PM
37:00 - BWHAAHAHAHAHAH!! Are you kidding?! David Bowie was more respectable than this guy!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:44:18 PM
38:00 - Not as funny as Joker's pencil trick.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:44:48 PM
38:30 - Oh god. Nevermind. David Bowie could sing.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:46:54 PM
40:30 - A thousand year empire? Didn't the Nazis want that? Maybe I'm wrong.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:48:09 PM
42:00 - Isn't that Kim Jong-Il's son?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:50:55 PM
Note - The original Nutcracker play was made in 1892, long before WWII. Hell WWI didn't even happen yet. I really shouldn't be seeing clear Nazi parallels in this movie.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:52:16 PM
45:00 - Rat King is afraid of sun -> Makes factory -> Shut down factory -> Defeat Rat King

Why did it take so damn long to figure out?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:56:03 PM
49:30 - Stop. Don't sing. You can't sing.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:57:37 PM
50:40 - What the hell? Did he just break the 4th wall? Why? What called for that?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 09:59:29 PM
Technical note - The video is split into two files. Because of this the time stamps will be reset. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:00:22 PM
1:40 - Great, the German stereotype in singing. Also, why is he singing now? It made sense with the kids but here it's just out of place.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:02:20 PM
4:03 - STOP BREAKING THE 4TH WALL DAMMIT!  :hatred:


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:03:40 PM
5:00 - He instantly goes for this without question? Seriously, this writing is just too convenient.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:04:50 PM
6:30 - ...WHAT?! How did that make ANY sense?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:07:25 PM
8:23 - "It's the Rat King."

(http://i.imgur.com/TWezq.png)


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:10:13 PM
12:00 - Wow... This kid is DUMB.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:14:49 PM
16:28 - Good thing that rat decided to pick his nose at THAT mirror.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:15:33 PM
17:07 - Turn everyone... Rat? Rat is an adjective?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:17:53 PM
19:40 - Okay... That was kinda funny.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:20:14 PM
21:45 - Anybody want to watch Labyrinth? I'd rather have some David Bowie at this point.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:22:47 PM
23:33 - (http://pixelatedgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/objection.png)

Contradiction! You broke your sister's nutcracker!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:24:43 PM
26:15 - How convenient, one of the toys being burned was a drum set.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:26:23 PM
28:00 - Sooo... Why won't he work?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:27:02 PM
28:55 - Oh gee, thanks b***h!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:28:11 PM
29:18 - Her TEARS bring him back?! Oh come ON! They HAD to have known how cliché that was!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:29:50 PM
31:20 - Why is the old rat woman the smartest person in the movie?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:36:01 PM
So far, the Rat Queen is my favorite character.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:37:08 PM
38:20 - That quote was not applicable to the situation. Stop trying to sound smart.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:40:14 PM
41:36 - "My bananas!"

...

I'm sorry, was that supposed to be funny?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:41:25 PM
42:30 - So when she's a human the Queen is crippled but when she's a rat she's fine? I don't get it.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:43:28 PM
44:16 - A fantasy movie where the characters know it's a dream?

(http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/2042/jackiechanp.jpg)


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:44:53 PM
46:30 - Saw that coming.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:45:54 PM
47:17 - Did the actress forget her line?


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:46:59 PM
End - Not very good closure if you ask me. A finale is supposed to be grandiose.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 10:53:55 PM
Overall - It was dumb, truly dumb. The producers obviously marketed this movie to kids. Because of this they treat the viewer like an idiot. While children will probably like this film it's sure to make the parents who have to watch it with them suffer. It pulls out every over-done fantasy Cliché in the book. It tries to be a heartwarming "Wonderland" movie but it just turns into sugary brain drain that makes you wish you were watching a Disney classic. The main character has the basically no substance in her performance and the supporting cast are annoying. Though I will give some leniency and say it doesn't even come close to being the worst movie I've ever seen. The visuals aren't half bad at least. I can't recommend this movie but I have no hate for it.

Well I guess it's too late to say Merry Christmas, but I will say that I wish all of you a wonderful night.

Goodnight, Badmovies.org!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: A.J. Bauer on January 08, 2012, 11:14:36 PM
Now please, leave comments and don't be afraid to be harsh.


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: indianasmith on January 08, 2012, 11:46:22 PM
Sounds like you really took one for the team that time.  Still, I bet it was better than ATTACK OF THE VEGAN ZOMBIES.  I like the way you do these.  Karma!


Title: Re: A.J. Bauer Reviews - Nutcracker [not] in 3D!
Post by: InformationGeek on January 09, 2012, 05:58:05 PM
What a movie that was.  Dumb is the right word for this piece of crap.  I doesn't inspire hate in me like other films, but I certianly had a frustrating time sitting through this one.  The movie had some interesting visuals to it, but if I want to watch a movie with good visuals, I'll sit down and through on Diick Tracy or Cool World, not this trainwreck.