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At 8:00 PM (CST) I will begin my riff on the 2010 Christmas box office catastrophe "The Nutcracker in 3D". Obviously my copy won't have the actual 3D but I don't feel like giving myself a headache. Why was this film considered so bad? Well keep in mind that I haven't watched it before tonight, so I'll have no clue until the review begins. After the embarrassment of Rats: Night of Terror I watched a few excerpts from this movie to make sure that it didn't have any weird issues. Everything seems to be in order. I'll see you guys in an hour.

IT'S SHOW TIME!

1:00 - The Nutcracker the Untold Story? They advertised it as Nutcracker 3D what's this subtitle about?

2:43 - Erm... I think this kid needs help. Please tell me he doesn't play with anthills and magnifying glasses.

4:50 - Uhg. Inattentive parent that won't pay attention to their children. Welcome to the '90s.

5:40 - That is the most stereotypical German doctor I've ever seen. Not offensive at all.

7:50 - He said a STORY! Of course it's made up you little... Grr..

8:30 - Gee whiz, I wonder if the dolls will become real characters relevant to the plot when the initial incident occurs.

9:13 - "I call him NC for short."

...Nostalgia Critic?

10:20 - DUMMY! You don't actually crack nuts with the Nutcracker... Which will always bother me.

11:30 - That thing is disturbing. It peers into my soul without remorse. It will haunt my nightmares.

12:07 - Oh dear god... Offensive doctor stereotype with a theory called "Relativity", I bet they thought they were being subtle and witty.

15:00 - That thing just got creepier. By this point I would have popped it's f**king head off and thrown holy water at it.

17:30 - Spontaneous combustion? She believes this? Dear god.

Please, please, please, please tell me the Nutcracker doesn't ALWAYS sound like that.

20:00 - OH GOD! HE OPENED THE VOID! THE NUTCRACKER WILL PULL YOU INTO OBLIVION!

21:05 - You know what this movie needs? More CGI!

21:30 - It's funny because he's fat!  :bouncegiggle:

Wait, no it isn't.

23:00 - Oh great... It's John Wayne Gacy. I've had enough of that.

24:10 - Oh dear god! I thought this movie couldn't BE anymore offensive! Now we have Jamaican stereotypes! Please tell me he doesn't start smoking pot.

26:22 - More and more racism. Yeesh. No you're making fun of the Russians.

27:00 - JESUS! She sparkles more than a f**king vampire! It's killing my eyes.

27:37 - Wait a second... Is that... Tin foil?

28:13 - This is more scary than fantastic if you ask me.

29:00 - ARE YOU SEEING THIS BLUE SCREEN?!

29:55 - That flying scene was about as convincing as the ones from Superman.

30:25 - What? I thought it was a rat king?

31:30 - That is just... *Shiver*

32:00 - And now his voice is radically different.

32:30 - If this movie gets any sweeter I'll have diabetes.

33:20 - Oh s**t! I know those guys! They're General Katana's men from Highlander II!

34:30 - So wait... The Rat King is the son of the Rat Queen? Does that make him a prince? Or... URRRRGHHH! I don't even care.

35:35 - Why do the rats look like Nazis?

37:00 - BWHAAHAHAHAHAH!! Are you kidding?! David Bowie was more respectable than this guy!

38:00 - Not as funny as Joker's pencil trick.

38:30 - Oh god. Nevermind. David Bowie could sing.

40:30 - A thousand year empire? Didn't the Nazis want that? Maybe I'm wrong.

42:00 - Isn't that Kim Jong-Il's son?

Note - The original Nutcracker play was made in 1892, long before WWII. Hell WWI didn't even happen yet. I really shouldn't be seeing clear Nazi parallels in this movie.

45:00 - Rat King is afraid of sun -> Makes factory -> Shut down factory -> Defeat Rat King

Why did it take so damn long to figure out?

49:30 - Stop. Don't sing. You can't sing.

50:40 - What the hell? Did he just break the 4th wall? Why? What called for that?

Technical note - The video is split into two files. Because of this the time stamps will be reset. I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

1:40 - Great, the German stereotype in singing. Also, why is he singing now? It made sense with the kids but here it's just out of place.

4:03 - STOP BREAKING THE 4TH WALL DAMMIT!  :hatred:

5:00 - He instantly goes for this without question? Seriously, this writing is just too convenient.

6:30 - ...WHAT?! How did that make ANY sense?

8:23 - "It's the Rat King."

(http://i.imgur.com/TWezq.png)

12:00 - Wow... This kid is DUMB.

16:28 - Good thing that rat decided to pick his nose at THAT mirror.

17:07 - Turn everyone... Rat? Rat is an adjective?

19:40 - Okay... That was kinda funny.

21:45 - Anybody want to watch Labyrinth? I'd rather have some David Bowie at this point.

23:33 - (http://pixelatedgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/objection.png)

Contradiction! You broke your sister's nutcracker!

26:15 - How convenient, one of the toys being burned was a drum set.

28:00 - Sooo... Why won't he work?

28:55 - Oh gee, thanks b***h!

29:18 - Her TEARS bring him back?! Oh come ON! They HAD to have known how cliché that was!

31:20 - Why is the old rat woman the smartest person in the movie?

So far, the Rat Queen is my favorite character.

38:20 - That quote was not applicable to the situation. Stop trying to sound smart.

41:36 - "My bananas!"

...

I'm sorry, was that supposed to be funny?

42:30 - So when she's a human the Queen is crippled but when she's a rat she's fine? I don't get it.

44:16 - A fantasy movie where the characters know it's a dream?

(http://img695.imageshack.us/img695/2042/jackiechanp.jpg)

46:30 - Saw that coming.

47:17 - Did the actress forget her line?

End - Not very good closure if you ask me. A finale is supposed to be grandiose.

Overall - It was dumb, truly dumb. The producers obviously marketed this movie to kids. Because of this they treat the viewer like an idiot. While children will probably like this film it's sure to make the parents who have to watch it with them suffer. It pulls out every over-done fantasy Cliché in the book. It tries to be a heartwarming "Wonderland" movie but it just turns into sugary brain drain that makes you wish you were watching a Disney classic. The main character has the basically no substance in her performance and the supporting cast are annoying. Though I will give some leniency and say it doesn't even come close to being the worst movie I've ever seen. The visuals aren't half bad at least. I can't recommend this movie but I have no hate for it.

Well I guess it's too late to say Merry Christmas, but I will say that I wish all of you a wonderful night.

Goodnight, Badmovies.org!

Now please, leave comments and don't be afraid to be harsh.

Sounds like you really took one for the team that time.  Still, I bet it was better than ATTACK OF THE VEGAN ZOMBIES.  I like the way you do these.  Karma!

What a movie that was.  Dumb is the right word for this piece of crap.  I doesn't inspire hate in me like other films, but I certianly had a frustrating time sitting through this one.  The movie had some interesting visuals to it, but if I want to watch a movie with good visuals, I'll sit down and through on Diick Tracy or Cool World, not this trainwreck.