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So, there’s this young lady at my place of work. She’s kind of cute, and I won’t lie, I’ve glanced at her a few times in passing. But it is certainly far from anything overt. There are lots of attractive women at my place of work and I have glanced at every one of them. I am happily married and have always been a one-woman man, but hey, I’m a man and we do glance at attractive women once in a while.

Anyway, a few days ago I was standing by her cubicle talking business with somebody else, she walked into her cubicle, and I had noticed she was wearing a Kasas State Jayhawkers t-shirt (it was casual Friday). I’m from Kansas, so I asked her “are you from Kansas?” I was just making small talk because I’m from Kansas and recognized the mascot. She made a quick remark that her husband is from Kansas and so of course she’s a fan of the Jayhawkers by association, but she had that weird uncomfortable vibe like she was trying to make sure I understood that she was married and leave her alone.

So I don’t make much of it, I just went about my business and walked away. Earlier today a coworker who sits near her came by and told me that she was saying that I made her uncomfortable or something along those lines.

That kind of thing really bothers me. At no point in any interaction with her have I ever made any inappropriate comment. I also don’t make inappropriate comments of a sexual nature in general, even though I work in an environment that is pretty loose in that regard, so I can’t imagine she overheard something I’ve ever said that creeped her out in any way. Did I ever glance at her in a way that made her uncomfortable? That’s about the only thing I can imagine, otherwise I have to conclude that she just has issues with men talking to her in general and not take it personal. However, I have to wonder why she would comment about it to somebody else. That kind of thing makes me nervous because we live in a culture where people can just make a call to HR about virtually anything and really screw with a person’s career, or even a person’s marriage. My wife and I are very honest with one another, but still, I REALLY hate being in that position, especially when I have done nothing inappropriate nor would I. Now I feel uncomfortable and like I have to avoid all eye contact with her and never speak to her again.

Grrrrrrr.  :hatred:

Stupid people will be stupid.
If she's too self absorbed to notice that not everything is about her, that's her problem.

Sounds like she's a bit high strung and self absorbed.  Ignore her. 

Also, you might want to take down all those pictures of her you've tacked up in your cubicle or at least stop licking them when other people can see you.   :twirl:

Well, sure, if she does nothing but make a comment to her coworker then I really couldn't care less. What bothers me about it is the reminder that nobody really needs a reason to f**k with anybody anymore. They just pick up the phone and call HR and my life is a b***h for no good reason. Sure she would have a baseless complaint, but that wouldn't stop her from fabricating something and making things unpleasant. I'm probably being paranoid, it's just something that irks me.

you could report her to HR

That's actually what I was thinking.  Well, not "report her" exactly, but report the incident.

File a memorandum that you heard a RUMOR that someone was feeling uncomfortable (because you actually don't really know she said this...it's hearsay), don't use her name if you don't want (act like you are protecting the rumor-ee), but get it on the record that you heard this office tripe and don't know of any factual basis for why someone would feel uncomfortable around you.

These kinds of things almost always come down to "documentation."  If you give HR dates and specifics, you will have more "in your corner" than some nebulous claims that cannot be substantiated anyway.  What does it take to make someone uncomfortable?  You sneezed too loudly that one time?  Good grief.

Or, ignore it.  There's a very good chance there's nothing to it.  As I said, you don't even really know she said anything, and the person that told you she did could just be trying to stir things up.

I hate office politics...

Stuff like this is why I'm glad I work in a small office where everyone already knows I hate them.

All else aside, the Kansas State mascot is the Wildcat. Kansas University sports the Jayhawks. And as a K-State alumnus, I find your post offensive and have reported you to human resources.  :teddyr:

Because ladies like these:
http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3022520_700b.jpg (http://d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/3022520_700b.jpg)
Though I know that not allwomen are like this, i.e. Newt

Some women just like to act like a b***h, but whatever. At least not all of them do.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

Flick, I can only sympathize with you.

A colleague told me last year that quite a few co-workers in two other sections in my dept. find me a bit too intense, a little bit scary and they never quite know quite how to take me so they avoid me entirely ~ my eyes are also apparently a little frightening too.  :question:

My usual answer to that is see me with children in general and how I treat and react to them and you'll see how I am really. It is a little comforting to know that I can sometimes scare the seven colors of crap out of people and don't intend to.  :wink:

True, Trevor. I can make people uncomfortable too. I've been told I have an intimidating physical presence. And I can come of as gruff, grouchy, aloof, and I apparently sometimes ignore people when they talk to me. It's really a combination of ADHD and social anxiety, but only people who know me well would know that. I was once accidentally copied in on an email between two co-workers that included a question to the effect of "what's up with that guy?" So I responded with a straightforward explanation and thanked her for giving me an opportunity I don't often get (she felt awful :teddyr: ). I've always found that being completely up-front with that stuff, and kind of making a running joke out of it, I can get away with an awful lot socially. There's always somebody to say "That's just Andy; he's really a big p***ycat."

Although I have run into nuts who will make something out of everything. Pay attention to them, they get uncomfortable. Express a concern to them and you're on their case. Give them a wide berth, they think you have a grudge against them. As others have said, they think everything is about them. You can't win with some people.

You just never know with nonsense like that.  Years ago somebody who works in our shop filed a sexual harassment claim (over a year after she got laid off) because everyone had been using obscene language around her.  As everyone who worked with her knew, she was just as obscene as anyone else.  The end result was a bunch of money spent on lawyers and a nightshift supervisor who will never hire another female ever again.

 :teddyr: :teddyr:

I feel your pain, man.  At my last job (which I eventually quit due to being just constantly screwed out of promotions over and over and over again), two crabby old ladies started a rumor going around that the reason I'm so nice, friendly and helpful to everyone around me is because I'm kept constantly doped up on anti-psychotics after trying to murder a woman. 

I think they confused you with me.  :wink:

     Exactly.

Sounds like she wanted to make something outta nothing....ego boost or something. Plus she may have some deep guilt about some activity on her part. I think reporting it yourself wouldn't hurt,just to protect yourself and your wife. Just to make sure your side is heard. Petty office gossip tends to get blown out of proportion.

Just another example of how society continues to blow things out of proportion.  This whole "political correctness" thing is way out of hand.  Years ago, you could compliment someone on their clothing or hairstyle or whatever and they accepted it as a compliment.  Now, it's grounds for a lawsuit.  I mean, it sounds like you didn't say anything about how she looked or give her any type of compliment that might be interpreted as being an inappropriate sexual advance.  Yet she becomes "uncomfortable" anyway.  Bulls**t.  Just stay away from her.  And for Pete's sake don't wish her a Merry Christmas or you'll be thrown under the bus for that, too.

It's a crazy world. CYA.

And so it seems it is time to once again post this helpful video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBVuAGFcGKY

It seems that it is so helpful, however, that embedding has been disabled, so you must go to You Tube to watch it. Drats.

Thanks everyone, but if I'm taking any lessons from this thread, my mis-identification of the correct school for the Jayhawks is by far the most important. Thanks Derf.

(actually, I meant to say University of Kansas)  :wink:

Staying away from her might not work either. I've had more than one person over the years confront me about doing exactly that, because I was perceived as giving them the cold shoulder, and they demanded to know why I hated them. The most extreme example was so convinced that I hated her, she got obnoxious about it and ended up making it true. There, right all along. People are nuts.

Flick, I don't think you've gotten much good advice... except maybe leave it alone.  Put it on the record?  Sounds great if the world were analytical AND honest, otherwise, just naive.  I see Ulthar's point (I've played plenty of office politics) but think it's hasty.

You've had enough commiseration.  Of course she said something to someone and it was repeated all over the office because you heard it too.  It is politics if you are innocent, and I read your original post closely.  You're in it now; you should be concerned.  This could bite you in the ass.  Hey, it'd be great if someday she came over because she thought you were giving her the cold shoulder.  That'd be an opportunity to let her know your perspective.  Even then, you would have to walk on eggs and NEVER suggest she was attractive.

How did she look in her husband's t-shirt?  How did that t-shirt fit her?  Do you think she knew?  How old are you?  How old is she?  Consider such questions food for thought.  Too much vilification has been suggested already.  It's easy to draw conclusions, make hasty judgments, or fail to see another's perspective... or the error of one's own ways. 

And stop licking those photos, you pervert! 

People misunderstand and misinterpret things all the time. Everyone does it from time to time simply because we're not telepaths (thankfully). Unfortunately, I have zero experience with office politics, and studio politics seem to work very differently.

The best defense is a good offense.  Tell the office gossip that this woman has taken you aside and told you of her secret love for you.  Would make perfect sense in light of her otherwise nonsensical emotions concerning you.  The pieces of the puzzle would all fall into place...

AHD makes a lot of sense. Because the world is NOT honest and analytical is exactly why there is concern. I AM honest and analytical, and don’t usually give much heed to irrational reactions to things, but at the same time, people don’t usually get the uncomfortable hairs standing up on the back of their neck unless there is a reason. My “spidey sense,” if you will, got tripped and I got that feeling that not all was right. From the initial weird vibe at the time it happened combined with the fact that somebody I know took the time to stop and tell me about it tells me that I should worry, if only a little. And how does it make ME look if I make a complaint about it? If somebody makes an HR complaint about another, even if their identity is protected by law or corporate policy, that person still has a right to know that a complaint was made by someone, and there is no way I would risk creating that kind of mess if it’s not necessary. The person that told me is a close coworker who just felt I should know and has never demonstrated himself to be the kind of person that likes to spread rumors, so I can’t assume the incident made much of a splash. Regardless, the best policy is to let the ripples from the splash fade away on their own.

Ultimately, I do not think this will amount to much if anything, and I certainly hope that’s the case. It’s just the kind of thing that bothers me immensely. It’s like having somebody of another race accuse you of racism when you know damn well that it wasn’t the case, and should that person choose to make a big splash out of it, there is virtually nothing you can do to avoid getting wet. And that, my dear bad movie friends, is the source of my angst.

I do appreciate everybody’s input and commiseration immensely, but extra special respect to AHD for hitting the nail on the proverbial head.

Well, just for the record, I did say not to make a complaint about HER, but about THE RUMOR.  I was just saying that it probably would not hurt a thing (you or her) to let HR know that this rumor got back to you and you believe it to be baseless.  Don't ask for an investigation, just get "your side" on the record beforehand.

People might not be logical and rational, but juries (if it comes to that, for example) can only weigh the evidence introduced to them.  If you feel compelled to do anything at all (and worrying about it even a little is "doing" something), that you initiated HR's interest is a documented fact and why would a guy harassing a coworker bring any attention to it?

As a related alternative "proactive" measure, again assuming you want to do anything at all, confront her with it face-to-face in the company of your supervisor and at least several additional witnesses.  Give her the opportunity to say it was a misunderstanding or whatever.  Simply say, in front of all and sundry, "I heard this rumor and wanted to find out if it is true."

You cannot accuse her of anything or "attack" her at all.  That cannot be seen as your point of "acting."  You have to be seen as clearing up a problem before it gets out of hand.  This approach can be interpreted by any outside observer as protecting her as well as you.  Straight-on, nip it in the bud is USUALLY the best approach if you think there is anything to it.

All that said, only you can judge if you think it merits any action.  Since you don't sound like you think there is any such merit, it's only an academic discussion at this point.

Good Luck.  Hope there was not even a molehill here.

Holy crap, ulthar, you're already putting me in a courtroom? :buggedout:

But seriously, don't take it as an attack on your logic or advice. I just happen to lean toward AHD's point of view in that calling HR could certainly serve to make an issue where there doesn't need to be one and potentially make matters worse. A valid observation I thought.

No...just saying documentation is key to this stuff if you believe there is a problem.  Often, if there is an imbalance in docs, that can be what PREVENTS you from going to the courtroom.

Sorry, was not trying to be alarmist, just making a larger point.


No worries; he (and you) are right.  I just wanted to clarify that I was NOT talking about reporting HER, just the situation.

After all, it could be said that the rumor is making YOU  uncomfortable in your workplace.

Go with your gut!  I'm just glad I no longer work in settings with this kind of crap going on.  Holy moley.

People need something to talk about.  Mischaracterization is endemic.  Unfortunately, people are routinely two-faced and dishonest.  Ego is a touchy part of the human psyche.