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500 MPH STORM (2013) (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2518848/)

When I saw Asylum on the opening screen, I knew we were in trouble.  I did not know just how MUCH trouble.

0.5 out of 5, and that's being generous.

This is one of those movies you laugh at not because it's funny-bad, but as a defense mechanism.  It is only through the saving grace of padded-room-1000-yard-stare laughter that can possibly get one through this.

The basic story stretches one's willingness to suspend disbelief, but even within the movie's own rules, this is just dumb.  That is, what they are doing makes no sense and how they try to stop it is...oh man, I just gagged a little trying to think of just how stupid this writing was.

The basic story is both simple and worn.  Government or government contract energy experiments lead to unintended consequences: crazy weather phenomena.  That's the pitch.  Then, the writers spent the 86 minutes of the actual story presenting that as dumb as humanly possible.  The device?  A giant light beam that shines into space that somehow extracts energy from the earth itself (magnetism and friction!), and...shines it into space.  Further, this light beam is generated by a reactor, so how is it 'extracting' energy again?

But the science fiction is not the real problem with this movie.  It's the execution.  Acting so bad it almost looked bad on purpose, plot points that are completely nonsense, characters that are...what?  Undeveloped (mentally, not writing wise)?  Special FX were ridiculous, and I'm not usually one to harp on the visuals of a movie.

Acting:  This movie demonstrated the age-old "look around" technique.  No real acting necessary if you keep your head in constant motion.

Characters: Someone on IMDB posted a question: "Was the son special needs?"  I was wondering something similar. Either that, or they cast a teenager to play a five year old.  The wife was ... happy to be there.  "Can I make you some sandwiches?"  Yeah, they just fled for their lives from a sudden freak storm and watched a bunch of people die, and she wants to MAKE SANDWICHES?

There's just so much wrong with this movie, I cannot even go into it all.

I mentioned recently that SEATTLE SUPERSTORM was not MANOS level of bad.  This one might well be.  The film making was THAT amateurish.  This is the kind of movie you see when MANOS level 'talent' gets a budget.

Sorry.  I thought I had what it takes to watch this Asylum feature.  Few movies make me ANGRY at their raw ineptness; this one did.

This review has been presented for your safety. You have been warned.

This is a prime example of "Asylum film titles Make Me Mad". I wasn't expecting any kind of sense in the plot. I don't buy into the zero-%$^#-given style of intentional bad movie making. You have to at least care in some way about what you're doing, otherwise I most certainly won't.