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"Well of course it'll hurt, honey, the doctor's going to shove a needle into your thigh muscles." (All right, I never said that, but I thought it, God help me, when my five-year-old daughter asked for the billionth time driving to the pediatrician, "Will it hurt, Mommy?")

But here's a true one....

A friend of mine in high school pushed me into finding out why this girl he liked was avoiding him after they went together for two weeks, and she dodged the question til I said to her, "Look, just tell me so I can put him out of his misery about you, okay?"

So she did and I repeated it almost verbatim back to him: "She said she thinks you're not mature enough for her because you don't have a car yet and she had to drive you everywhere, you complained non-stop about your mom so she got sick of it and thinks you're a momma's boy, she doesn't like anime as much as you do and that's all you ever wanted to show her, plus she said someone needs to teach you how to kiss because you're not good at it, and she's pretty sure you weren't telling the truth about not being a virgin, and that's one of the reasons she never did it with you along with the fact that she said your hair was dirty and smelled like sandalwood stick incense."

Yep, should've lied then.

YOUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yeah, you should've lied on that one.

Every time I've ever been arressted-and I been arressted a lot. When I tell the truth-I go to jail. I always told the truth.
"Did you kick that trash can down main street?"
"yes"
I go to jail. I been to jail for the stupidest s**t.
AND!-when they ask me-"did you do this s**t?" I say-to my freinds-YES! It was FUN!" to the cops- I say "f**k NO!"
I learned to lie to cops.

Well, there was that time my wife asked how her new perm looked . . . and I started humming circus music.
Seriously, it was a clown 'do if I ever saw one!

there are times when a lie is honorable. If you were harboring a Jewish person during the Nazi era would you feel you had to tell the truth to the Nazi? Of course not.

and yet...this same justification can be perverted to turn everyone you like into "nazis" and your own wrongdoing into "Jews" if that makes any sense

It only makes sense in a very caveman basic way. Trump-our president-thinks lying is the way of life-he did it as a business man to make money. Now he does it just because he knows his base supporters wear tin foil hats. He's so smart-because he thinks his core base is stupid.  He's right. His core base is stupid-or evil. He's f**king EVIL rich TV show f**ker. God damn-Republicans-wake up! This man is destroying the legacy of Ronald Reagan-he is MAKING YOU A JOKE.No-I never wanted f**king Hillary Clinton President-I wanted Bernie Sanders. Trump? This is insane-his first 21/2 months? He dumped his reform on Obama care-he's ass buddys with Putin. Guess what-Trump Republicans-you all American Heros-TRUMP LOVES COMMIE! I bet Chuck Norris would kick your commie asses!

HAHAHA! The Irony!
His stupidy will bite him in the ass-it already is. His Russian tax shelters are about to get splayed.

http://youtu.be/oQ7_bo74VMA (http://youtu.be/oQ7_bo74VMA)

http://youtu.be/8eK-5ivYb3o (http://youtu.be/8eK-5ivYb3o)

A long time ago a "friend" to my family accused me of snitching Christmas cookies from her many tins of work.  They were delicious; I was about 10 or 11.  I should have lied... it never occurs to me, even all those years ago.  AND when I have lied, it was always to protect someone's feelings.  I think I have lied well only trying to protect someone.  I am a terrible liar and have never made a practice of it.  I do think that some acting can be like lying, like telling a joke, but if it's a performance and not purported to be truth (even if so in a context) the performer's integrity as a person can be untarnished. 

"No, but it was okay."

A few years back, my girlfriend was doing the usual harping about her weight, and I'd had enough.  No, she didn't need to lose weight, she was fine as she was, and if anything, she could stand to gain some muscle.  And I wasn't putting up with any annoying fishing for compliments or reassurance, either.  So when she asked me this for the umpteenth time, I said this with a completely straight face, without even looking up from my tea.

"Archivist, do you think I need to lose weight?"

"Not at all.  I've fxxked many fatties in my time."

She stopped asking that question for a good month.  Bliss.

Holy Heaven, dude, and your testicles didn't end up somewhere near your spleen?

RC-
I agree

Like a dog on a bone, man, just keep gnawing and gnawing away....

(https://media0.giphy.com/media/igR5863TALcSk/giphy.gif)