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My Dad usta say " I don't call you son because you shine, I call you son because your ass is mine!"
He was also good with "If you had any brains you'd be dangerous!". Or "I'm a lawn mower, and your ass is grass!" Crazy old basterd.
Of course I ended up using those exact words on my  kids...! So WTF?  :question:

All I know about what my dad said is what I was told he said. "I don't  care if he eats or starves,  lives or dies! "

Given the fact the worthless piece of sh!t spent the rest of his life dodging efforts at making him pay child support I believe the people who told me those were  his words to me. The only joy he brought to me in my life was when I heard he'd died a lingering death of lung cancer.

My mom's next husband didn't say much to me, he preferred to let his hands do the talking.

my da's favorite phrase to all of us-" i'll ground you until you're TWENTY-SIX! ", lol! he also told everyone at my wedding that i was a virgin, even though i'd been living with curtis for 6 months!  :cheers:

My dad rarely used phrases, though when we grew up he used to say "drink up your coke" several times a day. We kids had a habit of never finishing our can of coke.

And yeah, my mama used to say:

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"I'll make you laugh on the other side of your face."

"A new [insert name of thing you've just asked for]? I'll give you a new [insert name of thing you've just asked for]", normally followed by a slap.

Don't be like I was. Get an education, get a job and have a good life.
[When I passed my finals at college] You've done quite well.

My Dad was as good a father as anyone ever could ask for.
He was kind, supportive, and loving but also firm when it came to discipline.
He was a preacher/pastor for over fifty years.  Once, when asked what three rules he would give to anyone entering the ministry, he answered thus:

1.  Love the people.
2.  Love the people.
3.  Love the people.

I miss him. . . .   :bluesad:

Well,  he sounds like a better preacher than so many today.  I hope he had a good life.

My maternal grandfather used to say a few things,  like "It's  raining like a herd of cows p-ssing on a flat rock!"  or "Whoever circumcised him threw away the wrong piece! "

i was lucky to have 2 great dads, my bio dad who died when i was 24, and my beloved FIL, who died 10 years ago. and 2 great moms too! my bio mom died when i was 20, and my sweet MIL took over when i married her son at age 21, she passed 6 years ago. i truly wish more people had parents AND inlaws like mine, and i DO know how fortunate i was to have them.

"I'm goin' down baby.  I'm goin' down fast."

"Hirsute... hirsute.. hair suit... hairsuit!"

"Nippy napola."  

"Harry Horsehair!"

"Quit playing pocket pool and get yer ass in gear!"
" If you had any brains you'd shoot 'em like dice!"
"You don't know s**t from Shinola!"
"If it was raining pitchforks, you'd be dead!" I never really understood WTF that meant...

"T-4-2... titty type tea" 

" I'll slap you like a red-head step child!"
WTF, Dad?

Just remember you always look at yoiu dad and say "Just remember I'll probably be deciding what nursing home you end up in!"

That was an experience of long ago.  My dad is gone a long time. 

I was joking, but I didn't mean to cause you any sorrow if it triggered a painful memory.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, a ghost will steal your mommy."

" I'll f**k you up like a can of worms!"!

Well, the old bastard wasn't wrong on that statement... :twirl:

"You have to do your algebra because algebra teachers need jobs."

"Just because you married him doesn't mean he automatically gets to kiss you."

"You can't out-weird me, El, I was married to your mother."

"When I was at Columbia I dated this real lovely Portuguese-American girl from Brooklyn, and was totally into her until she told me she used to be demon possessed and had had an exorcism. I kind of went back to the bars after she told me that."

"Yeah, I never had the heart to tell you, but the East Germans probably wanted to kill you at one point when you were about eleven."

"I don't think dogs go to Heaven, I think dogs just return to the earth like all of us will."

"But, Dad, Grandma says dogs do go to Heaven and I'll go to Heaven too."

"Oh, well, yeah, that's what I meant to say."

"If your friends all wanted to jump off a bridge, would you push them?"

"You were a stubborn kid and you refused to learn to tell time because you said time made you closer to getting old. You were also a deep kid for thinking something like that."

"Yeah, honey, I guess maybe since they didn't have showers and deodorant back then Jesus maybe would've smelled kind of bad...but it's Easter, so don't think things like that."

"The reason we didn't have cable when you were a kid was because I didn't want you to grow up to be a groupie."

I would respond- "Yes!".
When my Dad usta say " If all your freinds jumped off a cliff, would you"?
At that time, yes I would!~ "Just to get away from your crazy ass!"

"You had your own bathroom, bedroom and car, so quit telling people you grew up deprived because I wouldn't let you get your ears pierced til you were thirteen. I let you date when you were jail bait, for gosh sakes, but all you ever say is I didn't let you get your damn ears pierced. I think if you murdered drifters you'd be up there on the witness stand explaining you became a serial killer because you were the last girl in your school to get her ears pierced. Hey, I let you have a gun, too!"

Good reply!

"For the love of Christ, Ellie, I grounded you, OK, you act like I put you in solitary confinement with Hitler's wife."

"Because if you jump out your bedroom window and somehow make it to the pool, I'll close the pool for the rest of the summer, and if you jump out your window and smack on the concrete patio, which you will, I'll still make you go to school even if you're in a wheelchair. That's why not."

That might be interesting. I would like to talk to her. Maybe even try to get in her pants!
It couldn't be that hard. I mean-Hitler managed to do it- and he was Hitler!

"Our family are mutts. We're not WASPS, we're not WASCS, we're not any one thing, we're so crossbred from all over northern Europe, we're mutts. We're like Tramp. Tramp was cool, though, wasn't he?"

"No, I didn't know you'd just come back from his apartment that day I came home early and invited you to play me chess. Bet I won that game extra easy, didn't I?"

"Because if 'if I say so' isn't a good enough reason, remember, I pay your allowance and can also put you in a school run by nuns."

"Actually, yeah, I think me marrying her does make her your stepmother."

" You sawed off little s**t!"
Which is funny because I'm only 5'2" and he was 5'5".

" Your full of p**s and vinegar!"
Which I reckon he got right, for once... :lookingup:

"Growing up I was scared of my father, and I never wanted you to be scared of me, El. Your grandpa treated my sisters like princesses and me like a lump of cold clay he had a God-given duty to pound into shape.

"One day he decided to make me take up boxing. I was fifteen, and he put me in this gym in  a rough part of town, and I discovered there were scarier people out there than my dad, so in that way it was educational for me.

"Then there came the Saturday of my first fight, and I thought about running away from home I was so spooked. Not even your grandma could talk your grandpa out of making me get in the ring and fight. What's worse my opponent was this black kid who meaner than a snake and particularly hated white boys from the East Side like me, and as I stood there I just knew I was in for the ass-whooping of my life. Maybe even brain damage. I was so terrified that when the bell rang I forgot everything they'd taught me that last month and charged at the other guy swinging with both hands, and there was a blur where I may have lost time, and somehow I was standing there with the referee holding my hand in the air saying I'd won.

"Well what had happened is called a TKO, it's when the ref stops the fight or when the other fighter throws in the towel, or when somehow, one fighter falls out of the ring, and that's what happened. The other kid was backing up from my windmilling he tripped over his own foot and somehow fell out of the ring. Your grandpa was so impressed I managed to survive and win he let me quit boxing.

"But guess what? A few years later we were having an argument and I threw my win in the boxing ring up to him to make a point about how I could handle myself and he said, 'So what? I paid that other kid to take a dive that day.'

"So all through high school I'd thought I won a boxing match, but turns out my dad just fixed the fight. So, now you know what a bad parent is actually like, clean your room and quit whining about it."

"Figure it out! You know everything else!"

I think ER has won this thread!!!  :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:

"My boss should be in the medical books, he's half mouth and half a***ole."

"The secret to life is knowing when to kick butts and when to kiss them."

"You weren't a surprise to us, honey, you were a shock."

"The reason I didn't tell you I was having stents put in my heart was I didn't want to concern you, or listen to you worry over me til I prayed for the sweet release of death. Plus I knew if I told you afterward you couldn't hit me because after all, I'd just had heart surgery."

"You're looking at a man who had the temerity to marry a seventeen-year-old Irish girl. After pulling that off I don't think anything could ever scare me again."

(Okay, okay, my family is finally a few minutes from home and I can go to bed, so one more Dad quote for the road....)

"When you were a kid you asked me why the Easter Bunny and Santa had handwriting that looked so much alike, so I thought fast and told you it was because they both went to the same school."

 :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle: :bouncegiggle:  This is so damned funny!   :bouncegiggle:

"There was only one man ever born perfect and they crucified him for it."

That is something that would get a laugh out of me and a Jap slap from my Dad. (Another Dadism- Jap Slap. WTF?!)

I find myself talking just like my father. DAM.  :bluesad:

WWII "slap a Jap."

You are correct.  Except, it's worth pointing out that a "Jap slap" was partly inspired by then current WWII movies, in which women were often subject to a "Jap slap" though I can't say I heard that term in a movie...  part of the U.S. propaganda was to vilify our enemies.  
My father served in the European theater and the "fat" story I mentioned above was about his experience. 

This one came from my grandpa: "Growing up, if somebody picked a fight with me, I usually ignored him unless he badmouthed my mother, then I'd knock him flat, pick him up, and knock him flat again."  :thumbup:

(As he was walking me down the aisle at my wedding.) "Still time to change your mind and go for child support."

I think he just meant karate. "Jap slap." He was stationed in Japan alot when he was in the Navy in Korea. But it could have meant anything to that crazy old bastard.

"I couldn't wait to get home. I sat and stared at my watch like it was a supermodel's derriere."

"You're eating a cereal called muesli? That sounds like something a sailor would cough up."

"You want me to tell you which dress looks better on you? This is a trick question and that's the exact same dress, right?"

"When you were born I thought, she's so beautiful and tiny and s**t, I better get a better job."

"I am not trying to censor you, I'm just saying, you can't watch Twin Peaks."

"Every time the Princess got out of her bath when we'd watch Clash of the Titans together when you were little, I'd send you to the kitchen to 'buy me a soft drink from the fridge' and you never caught on I didn't want you to see that part, so don't try to tell me how shrewd you are."

"You're reading The Celestine Prophecy on purpose? You aren't in a cult, are you?"

"I don't think anybody could do that gently with a chainsaw. Yes, I heard you say that today."

"I sent you to Catholic school for thirteen years for that tie you gave me for Father's Day in 1981."

"Your cousin's godmother's little sister kept calling me when I was in high school and would bake cookies and send them to me in college, and when I was back home she kept pestering me to go out with her, so I did for a while, and I'd tell her well, I have to go back to college, see, so maybe you should find someone here at home, but she hung on, and then she kept writing and telling me how much your grandma and your aunt and her own mom wanted us to get engaged, and the fact was I never liked her very much because she was boring and pushy at the same time and acted like it was the 1950s instead of the 1970s, and so when I came home and she still tried to dog my every step and tell me what to do and talked about getting engaged, I did her a favor and showed her what boys in 1976 were really after and she actually went and whined to your grandma about how I used her and lead her on and broke her heart and dumped her, telling her I had no intentions of marrying anybody for a decade, then I married your mom the next year, and that's why to this day when I see her or her sister in church, like at your cousin's confirmation that day, they both look at me like they want me to die where I'm standing. Um, yes, this is another father-daughter cautionary tale about why boys are total scum, how'd you guess?"

"When I was a child my grandma told me if I didn't cuss til I was twenty-one she'd buy me a gold pocket watch, and if I did cuss before then she'd still buy me the watch, only it'd be engraved with the words I HAVE A POTTYMOUTH."

"I'll beat your ass red as a beet!"
That one always killed me!  :bouncegiggle:

Here's another howler-
" I'll kick your ass into the future!"  :question:

I remember my dad used the word "the" a lot.

"What's that have to do with the price of tea in Red China?"

"Whenever you say something so crazy it floors me, I remember you got half your DNA from your mother, then I begin to understand."

"No, I always expected you'd run off with the Romany or join a doomsday cult in the desert, so you marrying the man you did didn't surprise me too much."

"My boss got his job by bombing Cambodia into eggshells, so I try not to p**s him off too much."

"Your Uncle Patrick punted a soccer ball into my solar plexus one time when I was wooing your mom and that doubled me over. Later he told me sorry about that, he always did kick higher than he was aiming for."

"Were we poor when you were born? El, if movie tickets were a dime we couldn't have afforded to listen-in from the lobby."

"The only thing your Aunt Jude hates worse than bigotry is bigots."

Motivational Dad-Speech #847, given when I came home early from school very stressed one day circa 1990.

"I think you want an award for moaning about your life. What are you, eleven? Not even a teenager yet. Just wait til it gets hard. My first day on the job I was so nervous I missed the chair I went to sit down in and ended up on the floor, in front of my boss and his boss and six other people. The only thing I could think to say was, 'I been practicing that all week.' Nobody laughed at my joke. Now that was a rough day. Leaving your Bio folder in your locker isn't a rough day. What? Okay, yes throwing up between classes and not having any gum is worse, but what do you want, violins playing you sympathy? I told you that yogurt smoothie smelled funny. Didn't I tell you that? Why'd you want a yogurt smoothie that smelled like kumis some Mongol would drink on the steppes? Honestly, is your brain living in your baby toe these days?"

For the record I thought the smoothie smelled fine, and maybe pep talks like these clear up the mystery of why I left home at seventeen.  :smile:

From circa 1990.

Me: Why is it bad to suggest Jewish people tend to have money? Isn't that a compliment?

My Dad: It's a stereotype and usually those are---

Me: True?

Dad:---impolite.

Me: But what if it is sort of true?

Dad: No, all Jews are not rich, in fact in New York I knew a Jewish guy who was so poor he lived in the cab he drove for a living, while waiting for his father to die and leave him his apartment building in Brooklyn.

Me: Well if he was waiting to inherit an apartment building, was he poor or was he pre-rich?

Dad: Will you just stop before B'nai Brith sends us a registered letter?

This is one of my dad's charming "driving to school and sipping his coffee" stories from when I was a teenager. (No bus service in Catholic school.) I've always been afraid to ask if it was true or if he was just messing with my head, as usual.



When I was little, El, our teacher, Sister Agnes, got a stomach virus and missed two weeks of school, so for some reason instead of sending us a replacement nun they brought in a substitute  from the public system, Mrs. McDowell, who was super nice and we all liked her....except she was missing her left hand.

She didn't want us to be freaked out so she told us the story of how she lost it and showed us  how it looked and we all said we were okay with it, but secretly it bugged me and one day I found a paper I was supposed to have turned in the day before, so I went to her desk and said:

"This is late, Mrs. McDowell, can I still hand it in?"

And right when I said the words "hand it in" I felt my eyes jerk down to look where her hand was supposed to be and she saw me looking and all I could think to do was blurt out, "When I said 'hand' I didn't mean your hand, I meant hand in the paper!"

She said, "Yes, I know."

I felt like crawling back to my desk but she laughed about it and told me it was OK, and I really liked her a lot, and when I was in middle school and heard her foster son shot her I thought it was a damn shame.

What? Yeah, he murdered her. Why you looking at me like that? Where'd you think the story was going to go?

http://youtu.be/F1kOXfKJSM8 (http://youtu.be/F1kOXfKJSM8)  

Hot off the press from today:

Me: What do ghosts smell like, I wonder?

My dad: Manure, alcohol, and a feverish desire for attention, whatever that smells like.

Me: And Casper?

Dad: The earth-streaked shroud his grieving parents buried him in, watered with their tears.

Me: That's messed up, man.

This is not something my dad said, it's something he wrote to me, by hand, in a long letter he gave me when I turned twenty-one. He wrote me letters on all my major birthdays, and wrote one to my daughter when she turned ten last fall. He doesn't like emailing but he does like to write and has beautiful penmanship.

For better or worse I thought I'd share this:

"Three times in my life I thought I was a dead man, and one of those times in particular I should have been. But each time I came through alive I didn't find myself boosted in self-confidence, I found myself humbled. Each of those occasions changed me permanently and made me better as a result. I don't know why some live and some die, I only know that I felt incredibly humbled that I still had my life, and I think humility is the only fitting way to approach a life that is bigger than any of us."

" You couldn't tell s**t from apple butter!"

" I'll hit you so hard your mother will feel it!"

That's a happy thought, you old scumbag!

My Dad always said the same thing. Only it wasn't tea. It was eggs. What that meant- not a f**king clue. And it wasn't Red China- it was just China.

If you put dirt in one hand and desire in the other, which hand will fill up faster?

"Sneezes have killed people, farts have never hurt anybody directly."

My dad used to regularly tell me that the music from the 60's had been so good that it had to come back into fashion.

Then one day I asked why if it was so good how had it went out of fashion in the first place?

My Dad was a funny person - good sense of humor - and I asked him why, seeing as he was raised in the Jewish faith (and had me circumcised  :buggedout:) we were long time Presbyterians.  His answer was "Son: I didn't want a religious order telling me what I could and couldn't do with my weekends. I'm in church every Sunday and if the church needs me any other day, they know where to find me."  :teddyr:

"When I was little I thought the munchkins on The Wizard of Oz were monsters and their name was 'munch skins'."

"Once upon a time there was a monster who looked exactly like a little girl's daddy, and he tucked her in and told her a bedtime story, hoping the story would make the little girl go to sleep fast, because what the monster who looked like Daddy wanted was to creep back into the little girl's room at midnight, while she was sleeping, and eat her beating heart. There's your story, Ellie, now go to sleep fast."

" i REALLY hate your hair, but no way am i letting you get suspended for the fact that it's purple when there are so many bleached blondes at your school", and he DID get me off the hook on that.