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Other Topics => Off Topic Discussion => Topic started by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 04:49:36 AM



Title: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 04:49:36 AM
I have been having bad thoughts lately. I found out things I don't care to deal with at this point in my life. I think about it alot. I don't want to go into too much, but I really am sick of it all and I just wish it would stop.
Tiana was seeing another guy. I don't wan't to kill him.
Bulls**t. If I seen him now, I'd murder him in a NY second. No thoughts. I have no problem with killing some motherf**ker. But she broke up with him (after 2 weeks) after meeting him online, and found out he has 2 pimp convictions and 3 felony convictions. Now she still wants to stay with me when she found out her online boyfreind-  who she went and spent the weekend with a couple days ago. I knew. She told me today. I knew- I'm not stupid.
 And then asked me to look up his criminal record. Yeah. Then she told me she wasn't going to leave. That made me happy! Her boyfriend is a pimp  gangster. So she left him. And wants to stay with me. Dam! That makes me feel like a leftover.
I wish I was dead.  :hatred:

 Just want to mow down anything in my path and die at the end.
I don't say that to Tiana, because I love her, and I would rather die than hurt her.
I sure ain't scared to die. I been ready for decades to die.
And I sure ain't scared of jail. Even the biggest f**ker there can only ass rape me. And I will stick a pencil in his ear when he's sleeping. I been in jail many times. Don't scare me a hair.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 06:41:05 AM
I'm thinking about borrowing my son's gun and taking that pimp mother f**ker out. I don't care if I get arrested- I'll kill myself after. Aint no thing, man. We all live- and we all die. I ain't scared of dying.
If I take that f**ker out I will die thinking I did something good for somebody.
I will not shoot a cop, but murdering the person I want to kill is a whole different story. I will shot that piece of s**t. I might pull a gun on a cop just so he kills me, because-that will make it easier than sticking a gun in my mouth.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 06:50:30 AM
I know this sounds insane, but walk a mile in my shoes.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Alex on November 11, 2020, 07:51:55 AM
Sorry to hear all of this RC.

I know things hurt and feel all kinds of crazy but please don't mess up the rest of your life for this guy. Wish there was more I could say, but don't do something you'll regret.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 08:09:16 AM
I don't regret anything ever. I'll take his head off his shoulders.
This may sound crazy- but It's not. I'll take that pimps head off his shoulders. I'm getting a .45 tommorow from a friend. If that f**ker comes around, I'll blow his brains out.
I stabbed a guy who jumped me and my brother Richie in NYC many years ago. I Don't feel s**t about it now. He jumped me- I had a boot knife- I stuck him hard. I don't know if he's dead.  I didn't stick around long enough to find out. That was in 1985.
I'm not proud of it, but if my family is involved, I have no problem killing a dumb f**k.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 08:27:36 AM
If there is a God, please f**king help me.
Because I'm about to do something really awful.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Alex on November 11, 2020, 08:36:28 AM
I can talk to you on skype or something if you need someone to chat to.

Chances are someone is going to take this guy out sooner or later. It doesn't need to be you.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Rev. Powell on November 11, 2020, 08:38:23 AM
If there is a God, please f**king help me.
Because I'm about to do something really awful.

Don't do anything. Check your PMs.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 11:58:04 AM
It's mostly over. But I'm still getting the gun. I don't play with players.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Allhallowsday on November 11, 2020, 12:21:35 PM
It's mostly over. But I'm still getting the gun. I don't play with players.

PM me your number when you get up.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Allhallowsday on November 11, 2020, 02:20:49 PM
Ron and I had a good talk.  He has anger and disappointment like all of us.  He writes about it, wants to talk about it.  Tiana is good.  He is good.
 
God bless us all that love and care.   :thumbup:


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 02:26:55 PM
John is right. I ain't over it, and I'm still getting the gun. But I don't think I'm going to kill myself or anyone else. If I don't have to. I've been been threw worse s**t than this, it just gets tiring. I get scared and angry, like everybody. Problem is ME. When I get angry I don't think about what the outcome will be. I just lash out like a moron.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Allhallowsday on November 11, 2020, 02:37:21 PM
John is right. I ain't over it, and I'm still getting the gun. But I don't think I'm going to kill myself or anyone else. If I don't have to. I've been been threw worse s**t than this, it just gets tiring. I get scared and angry, like everybody. Problem is ME. When I get angry I don't think about what the outcome will be. I just lash out like a moron.

See?  He's a genius.   :smile: :thumbup:


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 02:38:16 PM
I'm sorry I unloaded this drama on the good people of this board. But I  was alone and didn't want to really do what I was stewing about. I thank all of you for being kind to me. I'm crazy-and consider myself lucky to have people to talk to.
Much thanks to the good Rev, Alex and mostly John.
I love you all.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: pacman000 on November 11, 2020, 02:41:07 PM
We all need to talk sometimes. Hang in there. Praying for you, if the thought helps. Don't know what else to do.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 02:55:19 PM
I, like many people, when they feel bad, or are planning to kill, themselves or others- it's not about money or profit. But killing for love-or wanting to-is about feeling like your life is collapsing in on itself. It's an awful feeling, but it when it happens so much in your life, you just get sick of it all.
I guess that's just me. I'm sure most people deal with these issues. But I have a problem when folks f**k with the people I love.
I just have a problem with my mind sometimes. My emotions go faster than my logic.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Zapranoth on November 11, 2020, 02:57:11 PM
I'm glad that you were able to reach out and get help from your friends here.

Glad you are okay and not going to hurt yourself or anyone else.

The alcohol and its effect on impulsiveness is a big, big danger.  Which you know.   But I see it happen to people, in the role I'm in.   Try to cut it down, Ron.  Please!


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 03:09:08 PM
Thank you Zap.
Booze is not the factor here. I can be sober for a week, and if I find out my friend is being hustled by some pimp-I'll kill the motherf**ker.
I know that sounds radical. I don't care what it sounds like. I don't need a 40 year old gangster putting the move on Tiana, who works very hard at a nursing home taking care of covid-19 folks, busts her ass too. Bought her own house. Was adopted when she was a baby into group homes. Goes to school and works. Fought hard for what she has, to be conned by some grifter she met on Facebook.
f**k that. I don't think he'll come around. He'll look for a new mark with money.
BUT! If he does- I will blow his head off. That's a normal way to feel, right?  :question:


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Allhallowsday on November 11, 2020, 04:37:01 PM
...BUT! If he does- I will blow his head off. That's a normal way to feel, right?  :question:
Sounds normal to me.  
Ugh I have one ugly temper (just for me Ron - booze does let the genie out of the bottle).  Anger is normal; how one handles it is another matter.   :thumbup:


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Trevor on November 11, 2020, 06:23:53 PM
Sending good vibes your way Ronny: I was in a bad way in August when I realized Mom wasn't going to get better.

She is still with me, thankfully: things will and do get better, I promise.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 06:42:27 PM
Thanks, Trev. I know they will, but, I'm sure you know, in the heat of the moment, you think crazy sometimes. Like wishing you were the incredible Hulk, and could just stomp everything.
And then realize- you can't. Reality doesn't work that way.


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: Allhallowsday on November 11, 2020, 06:47:24 PM
... Like wishing you were the incredible Hulk, and could just stomp everything.
And then realize- you can't. Reality doesn't work that way.
Told you.  Genius. 

(https://d13ezvd6yrslxm.cloudfront.net/wp/wp-content/images/the-incredible-hulk-revisited-1-700x297.jpg)


Title: Re: Suicide
Post by: RCMerchant on November 11, 2020, 06:55:20 PM
^ Far from it. Sometimes I have to put myself out of my body, emotion wise, and think, "What are you doing?"
And that's when I see- " That's crazy.".
I'm pretty stupid. It takes me wanting to kill somebody and myself to pull me back from that crazy- and friends like you folks.
I thank you all and love you all.