Badmovies.org Forum

What have we learned from B movies that they actors haven't?

1. Don't send your kids to summer camp. The counselors all have sex which leads to a massacre.
2. If you see someone wearing a hockey mask and it isn't at a hockey game, get the hell out of there.
3. Murderers never die.
4. A murdered child will not grow old until he is resurrected and then he grows quickly.
5. There are only two types of scientists, mad and the ones trying to save the world from the mad scientist.
6. Aliens are ugly and  evil, with a few exceptions.
7. Don't trust anyone.
8. The police are usually helpless against evil.
9. If you are not caucasian, you usually die first. I don't mean that to sound politically incorrect.

What else have we learned?

-Bad guys can't shoot straight
-Very large monsters can hide three feet away without being seen if it is just off screen.
-if bullets can't hurt it punching it surely will.
-walking is faster than running/girls trip a lot/you run faster if some one is pulling your arm while looking backwards.
-never walk backwards.
-cats are a$$holes that like to jump out of the ceiling
-"bad guys should never turn into a giant snake. It never does any good"

When fighting zombies, go for the head.  Shotguns & baseball bats

that air ducts are large, study, easily accessible, multidementional structures.

If you hear a loud noise (like growling) in the basement , the woods, or anywhere dark for that matter, go check it out.

-- The military will always send the most skeptical and ornery General.  After a futile violent encounter with aliens, the General will either die or relinquish authority to a local scientist or to a rebellious teenager.

-- If you are alone and stand still for longer than 10 seconds, a hand will begin to slowly reach for you.

-- The only people aliens will not be able to remain hidden from are drunks.

-- Vampires do not crave the blood from their own sex.

-- Rampaging monsters consume a great amount of food, but do not deposit waste.

-- In a battle between good and bad monsters the good monster will always triumph, but never easily and not until they are almost beaten.

-- When summoning demons it is manditory that you rave in a sing-song manner or they won't respond.

-- If you are alone outdoors, fog is a sure sign that you are about to die.

-- A single monster or alien will fight to the death, but a group of them will run away back to where they came from if they start losing.

Scott
MOTAZart.com (http://www.MOTAZart.com)

Cars never start in an emergency.

Bomb timers can only be stopped when there is 0:01 left on the display.

Guns always fire endless rounds of ammo except when you REALLY need them, then they're empty.

Reversing the polarity kills just about anything.

Anything made out of wood falls apart at the slightest impact, but will easily stop all bullets no matter what the caliber.

There is always a human traitor, or at the very least, a coward who will end up betraying everyone else.

When crossing a rope bridge, at least one of the slats will break leading to a character almost falling.

When crossing a fallen tree over a river, one character will slip, either falling in the water, or having to be rescued by the hero.

When being chased by a killer or creature, one character will always stop and refuse to go any farther, usually leading to them getting killed/eaten.

If there is more than one creature, the last one alive will always be smarter than the rest.

Bringing extinct animals back to life is never a good idea.

Injuries that seem serious at first, will become less so over time.

Bullets only cause minor injury to the hero.

A person who wears glasses will lose them at the first major piece of action and then function perfectly without them.

Human killers aren't interested in sex. Humanoid monsters and aliens are the exact opposite.

If the hero knows karate, then all the bad guys will too.

When you're alone in the house at night and the phone rings, it's never a good idea to answer it. If it isn't the killer calling you directly, he will take advantage of the fact that you're distracted in order to sneak up on you.

Any underwater structure or vehicle will eventually end up damaged beyond repair and sink.

All computers display information in 2 inch tall text.

Hacking into any computer system only requires about a minute and a half of guessing passwords.

Evil geniuses always like to gloat and will divulge every detail of their plans to anyone who will listen.

Security systems can show you an image of anything that's currently happening regardless of whether or not there's actually a camera there.

On a related note, if you like Anime

Laws Of Anime (http://www.bright.net/~nyla/animelaw.html)

I learned to stay safe, I carry the following items at all times:

a copy of the Necronomicon
a gun with silver bullets
a crucifix
cell phone with a fully charged battery
a compound bow
a priest to bless water/perform exorcisms/etc.
a bag of salt
a wooden stake
an apple computer to put viruses into alien computer systems
a glow rod for taking down joy-joy criminals
a copy of the RING to give to someone else

That any door can be opened by smashing the control panel.

Elevators don't have saftey breaks and if they do they don't provide any safety.

kids are smarter than any trained professional in the movie.

always go back for the pet or dead boyfriend but not anyone else

Small town mayors are more concerned with the tourist trade than human life.

Don't read passages aloud from books of ancient evil...  not even as a joke.

When the town drunk's raving hallucinations stop being funny, maybe you should check it out just to be on the safe side.

If the movie's bad enough, almost any boobies look good.

Pretty much anything can explode if it catches fire or if a car crashes into it.

The level of military hardware sent by our government to counter a monster threat is directly proportional to the movie's budget.

Despite the fact that they can't see themselves in a mirror, vampires are always immaculately groomed.

Fall for the responsible goody-two-shoes chick.  Statistically it's your best hope for survival.

Most libraries and used book stores have an occult section.

And for God's sake, stay the hell out of Maine!

-- Aggressive creatures have deep voices.  Benevolent creatures speak in a soothing tone.

- Creatures which are invulnerable to small arms fire can be taken out with pointy sticks/baseball bats/Kung Fu attacks...

- No-one in America carries a hundgun to defend themselves with, even if it's well known that a killer is on the loose and they're going to be at home on their own all night during a power outage...

- Any Monster that appears on Earth will, at some point, completely destroy Tokyo...

- Everyone who knows Kung Fu also speaks with their mouth out of synch with the words...

- Bad Guys always speak with an English accent...

- Every Single Object in existence is capable of exploding in a big fireball...

- Spacecraft and Lasers can be heard quite clearly in space...

Bad things happen in either large, well-known urban centres, or little hick towns in the middle of nowhere. Mediocre communities are safe.

Random mutation from radiation or chemical exposure can result in properly formed claws and fangs, enhanced strength or increased size.

If an ant weighing less than a gram can lift 50 times its own weight, then an ant weighing a ton can do the same.

ROTFL!

Here are a couple more off the top of my head.

When told there is something under the bed, don't look. There actually may be something under the bed.

Even if caught out in a rainstorm and soaking wet, don't get into a car with a stranger, even if the stranger is a beautiful woman, and she's driving a classic Jag. You'll live to regret it!

actors arent neccesary

neither is editing

stories and plots are for the weak

monsters, the goofier the scarier