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I don't know if anyone noticed, but I haven't been here in about a week. The reason for that is that this past week, my entire world went down the toilet. At this point, I can barely think straight and I'm posting this here in an attempt to try and make myself feel better, although I doubt anything will help much for a long, long time. This board is a place I've always liked to come and posting something makes things seem a little more normal to me.

The first thing you should know is that I'm unemployed and have been living with my parents. I've never posted much about my personal life because it's always been a source of embrassment to me. At my age I should have been completely self-sufficient long ago, but I'm not. I have no excuse other than that I basically screwed up my life big time. I'm like Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons, only without a job.

My father bought a local bar about a year ago, but also kept his job as the driver of a tanker truck for Shell oil. He was basically supporting my mother and I and things were going pretty good. Each night, when he got off work, he'd go to the bar to keep an eye on it, and close up. He would also often stay there until 4:30am or later because some other places had been robbed and he wanted to watch over it. About a month ago, he banged his leg on something and it turned all black & blue, but seemed to be slowly getting better. He refused to go to the doctor. Tuesday morning about 5am, the bartender showed up at the front door to tell us that he had fallen and couldn't get up. She'd tried to call, but we didn't hear the phone. When we got there, the other guy who stayed with him, was just getting off the phone with 911, he said my father wasn't breathing. He started CPR and the paramedics showed up maybe 5 minutes later, although it seemed like hours. They worked on him, put in an IV and eventually took him to the hospital. The bartender drove us and when we got there, they hustled us into a private waiting room, then a doctor & nurse came in to tell us that he was gone. My mother was devastated. I'd never been all that close with my father and cold as it may sound, I was more worried about what would happen to us. I cried, but I was more concerned with how my mother was feeling.

We went to see an attorney to get the bar changed to her name and to straighten out some other stuff. She also started looking into his life insurance and what else she was entitled to.

The bar stayed open and my mother was watching over it, since they didn't really trust the bartenders. For a while now, she's been going to the bar each night to watch over them before my father gets out of work, and then they come home together after closing. She did this on Wednesday and the bartender gave her a ride home. She went Thursday and called me about 1am to tell me that she'd be home in about 15 minutes. A short time later, she called again and in a shaky voice told me that she was up near the end of the street and that she thought she'd broken her leg. It was snowing and the ground was covered and slippery in spots. The bartender who had worked that night lived close enough that he had walked to work. They were walking home together and when they got to our street he offered to walk her all the way home, but she told him she'd be fine, so he continued on home. Shortly after he left, she slipped and fell.

I rushed up as fast as possible and found her in the middle of the street. She gave me her phone and I called 911 (I have no idea why she didn't do that first). They took us to the hospital, signed her in, took some x-rays, had a specialist look at them and it seems that she broke her right thigh in about 3 places. They were waiting for her doctor to come in before they could operate and piece her leg back together. She wanted me to leave at around 6am, since I hadn't had any sleep or eaten. I called a neighbor and while waiting for him to show up, she called her closest friend and joked with her.

I came home, had something to eat and got a couple hours sleep. By 5pm, she called to say that they still hadn't operated, but she wasn't in any real pain and was in good spirits. I later got word that she'd been taken in to the OR. About 9pm, a nurse called and said my mother had asked her to call and let me know that the surgery had gone well and that she was in recovery, so that I wouldn't worry.

I watched TV, and relaxed a little, laid down around midnight and slept till about 2am, when the bartender called and said she'd be dropping off the day's receipts. I went to bed and the hospital called around 3am to tell me that her blood pressure had dropped, she'd suffered a heart attack and was currently hooked up to a ventilator. My neighbor gave me a ride and after telling me the usual bulls**t, they let me see her. She wasn't conscious and her heart stopped again while I was in the room. I went back to the waiting room and about 5 minutes later the nurse came in to tell me she was gone. Apparently it was a blood clot or some complication.

In the space of a single week, I've gone from having two relatively heathy parents to being completely alone. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't know how to get access to their bank accounts, or how I'm going to pay the bills. I'm not even sure if both of them had life insurance or how much it was. If it's not enough to pay off the rest of the mortgage on the house, I think I could lose it.

I've called the family attorney, who specializes in tax law, but who has done other things for them, but I have no clue what needs to be done, or what decisions I'm going to have to make. I'm completely unprepared for this! My parents always took care of everything.

I'm sitting here alone in the house and I can't stop crying. I loved my mother so much and we were always very close. Friends and my mother's cousins have offered to help in any way they can, but I'm just so overwhelmed that I just want it all to go away.

People keep saying that she's in a better place, that it was her time, blah, blah, blah. None of it helps.

I can't believe this happened, It's like a bad dream I can't wake up from.

I can't help regretting that I didn't stay with her, or that I didn't spend more time in the room after she was gone. I regret that I wasn't a better son, that I wasn't as independant as someone should be by my age because I know they both worried about what would happen to me in a situation like this. I regret that I never gave her grandchildren, because I saw how much she liked to fuss over her friend's granddaughter and I know she would have loved to be a grandmother. I regret so many things. I know I shouldn't and that they both loved me, but I can't help the way I feel.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't even know how much longer I'll have my internet account since it's being paid for by one of their credit cards and I don't have any of my own. I'm completely pathetic. I usually don't admit this since it's so humilating to be my age and still relying on my parents.

I don't know if I'll be back here anytime soon.

Your story is very hard.

I have no advise for you since I would be in the same state of confusion and hopelesness if something like that would happen to me.

I hope you´ll get through this.

I wish I knew what to say, but I know that nothing anyone says is going to ease the pain and loss you feel over your parents right now.  You need to mourn, but don't let any guilt you have overwhelm you so much that you can't do what you need to do  to survive yourself.  I have a pretty good idea that your parents  wouldn't  want you doing that .

I think you need to stay connected to something though, even if it is a bad movies message board.

Sometimes what you need is to know that  someone is there that cares. We've seen other folks go through bad things here and the response is always positive. You need an outlet , so try to hang on to that internet  account or go to the public library or something, but stay connected.  

There are people here who care and would miss you even if we are sight unseen to each other .  This is also a diverse group that could probably provide some advice with the legal and financial  woes this tragedy has caused.

If there is anything we could do  let us know and keep in mind that folks here care.

My household will be praying for you .

I'm not great with advice but I need to say this.

You do need time to mourn but as somebody said you can't let it in the way when things are so unsure. There has got to be somebody you can turn to to learn about everything you need to know. You must find this information out or else! I am just a high school student and don't know much about living but I have lost my dad and I'm old enough to know that you can't give up. Now is the best time to learn.

As they would say on a old Japanese robot team show: "FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!"

I'm sorry if I don't know anything about money but please stay with us, I care about you you where here when I first started coming here and it'd suck ball if you dissapeared

FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

JohnL:

I am so sorry for what you've been through - I can't imagine what you are going through, so I don't know what to say about dealing with your loss.  I guess I can offer you this advice:

1.  Take a day and go through all your parents' papers.  If they had insurance (and I think they probably did given that you said they worried about you) you will find the paperwork stored safely somewhere.  You also need to locate their will (another thing I feel they probably took care of) and get it to your lawyer.  There will also be information on their banks, mortgages, the business, and credit cards, get these to your lawyer so he can notify them.  People sort of "hate" lawyers as a matter of course, but right now, yours is your best friend.  He'll pull you through the paperwork stuff which right now you are in no condition to handle yourself.

2.  Your lawyer should make some money immediately availeble for living expenses, but you'll also want to see to getting the mortgage paid.  Short term you want a roof over your head -- long term if you decide to sell the house, you want YOUR real estate person handling it, not some mortgage company.  Tens of thousands of dollars could hang in the balance.

3.  Start changing your attitude about yourself now.  Whatever may have kept you from getting a job and beoming independent before, that isn't an option now.  Don't be afraid to ask for help here from a relative or your lawyer, even if the initial asking seems embarassing.  Whatever you think of yourself, you write well which puts you ahead of about 80% of job applicants out there.  You're not pathetic - you're a person we respect and now you're going to find out what you're really made of.  I think once you get past your loss you are going to surprise yourself.

4.  Have those grand kids for your mom someday.  I believe she'll see them and enjoy them even if she isn't physically there.  And if you have a girl, I think you may have a good first name for her.

Eirik

I can't really say anything that hasn't already been said. I hope you the best, I know you will get through this.


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You can’t give it, you can't buy it, and you just don't get it!-Aeon Flux

Start making a list of the things already mentioned..................Take one day at a time........................do what you can yourself and accecpt the help from the relatives, friends, and neighbors who made offers to help..........................

The main thing is slow down so you can begin to pick yourself up and find out were you stand. Start from the beginning. The beginning often starts with small steps.

Take care of yourself John. We always enjoy your company on the messageboard.

I will pray for you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. How awful for you.

I've got no more to add than my sympathy, brother, but know that I'm pulling for you.  I wish I had more to contribute, but you'll be in my thoughts.

I'm not good at this but JohnL, just know that I will keep you in my thoughts. You have received some very good advice here from some very caring people.

As others have said, you will be in my prayers.

I've run into some tragic stories in my job, but few can come close to that. It's hard to imagine.

Sounds like you might have an occupation ready-made if you can take over that bar. You could go from unemployed to independent businessman overnight. You just need some trusted and knowledgeable people around who can get you started.

You can't do anything about the choices you've made up to this point, so it serves no purpose to keep beating yourself up. The important thing is that you do something with the rest of your life. This might be the push that you needed. By taking motivation from this tragedy, you can give it some meaning, by ensuring that something good comes of it. That's about the best tribute you can give your parents.

I am sitting here trying to think of something to say and I am at a loss of words.

All I can say is that friends and relatives are going to be important to you right now. Even though you have several issues with which to deal, ask for and let those who can help do everything they can for you. If in any way you feel that is an imposition, it is not. From having lost a parent, I can say that people are very willing to lend a hand and do not consider it an imposition, and that includes all of us on this board.

The lawyer and your insurance agent are going to be the best help you can get with the financial and estate matters. If they don't know the answers themselves, they know somebody who does.

Although you are occupied with many particulars with which to deal due to this situation, if you need to take a day to yourself to mourn and collect yourself, do. It may help you to deal with things better.

Of course, communication at this time is helpful and essential. If you feel down or like withdrawing, reach out to somebody, even if you don't feel like it at the time, because you won't regret it.

Ask us anything. Keep the communication open. We hope we can count ourselves among your friends and want to be here for you.

I cant even begin to imagine what you must be going through. For whatever they're worth I offer my condolences to you and your family. We all want to see you get through this.

I know all about family tragedy as you'll probably remember that my only younger brother was killed in a motorcycle accident just over a year and a half ago.
www.corychapman.com

But to lose two family members in such a short period of time....man, I can't imaging that kind of pain & grief.

Making that website for him was my way of coming to terms and dealing with his unexpected death.

I only offer you this advice because it worked for me.
Grieve and let most of it filter out of your system and then channel the rest into something creative like a website or something else.

You have my support brother.
Chin up!

That is such devastating events that one cannot even comprehend it!  I think you must be pretty darn strong to even be capable of writing a post, if it was me, I'd be a complete and utter wreck...

I offer you my humble and simple condolences...

You have recieved some very good advice from people who genuinely care and that can be a rare thing nowadays, some of who have also suffered family tragedy.  Just know that we consider you a part of our B-movie brethren, and as such are part of our family here at this forum.  It goes without saying that we all give you our thoughts and support.

Luck be with you my friend...

*hugs* stay strong! don't worry, everything will work out in the end. life is full of tests. it may not sound comforting as you are like a house without foundation during a mighty wind storm, but this storm comes to make you grow. you love your parents a lot, i gather, well, at least your mother, but losing them won't change your love for them. if you love them and always remember them, they will always live on. there comes a point in everyone's life where they face a challenge they think they can never overcome, yet they grow. sometimes it's a little challenge and they only grow a little bit.

this week, you have big challenges: losing close family members, learning independence, staying strong when the simple process of breathing makes you feel like your lungs could collapse. but you must stay strong, you will get through this.

To JohnL: Contact your local social services office, if you're in America. They do things like (but not limited to) provide emergency help with rent and utillity bills.

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I've checked back a couple times, but haven't felt like posting anything. The other day the phone line I use for the modem was giving me so much trouble that I just shut the computer off for two or three days. Even now, it's only connecting at 28.8. The phone company was supposed to come out, but hasn't yet. This will make about the 10th time I've had to call them in the past year. I guess I should post an update. Fair warning, this will probably be pretty long...

I think I've talked to more people this past week than in the past six months. I've gone through my mother's phonebook several times trying to make sure that everyone she knew has been notified. At the hospital, I had my neighbor call her best friend and tell her (they know each other from both working in the courts, so it wasn't like I asked a stranger to tell her) since I wasn't in any shape to do it. When I got home, I called a long-time friend of the family and he came right over. Then he had to leave and I had to go up to the funeral parlor, which is right on the end of our street. When we moved here I liked to joke that it was convenient to have the funeral home right on the end of the street. It's not so funny any more. My neighbor went with me and when we came back, he came in and stayed with me for a while and helped me go through some papers. That was Saturday 2/26/05.

Sunday, an old boyfriend of my mother and his wife came down from Mass. My mother had lost touch with him years ago, but just got back in touch with him around the time that my grandfather died. He was one of the first people I called because I knew my mother had always been close to him. They stayed overnight (at my invitation) and went with me to the lawyer's office on Monday. Rather than the lawyer my parents always went to, I was referred to his associate. He seemed ok I guess, but I would have preferred the one my parents went to. The couple who had gone with me went back home Monday night to avoid a predicted snowstorm. I went back to the lawyer Tuesday and he looked through some of the papers I brought and gave me a retainer agreement to take home and look over. I called my mother's friends on the phone and read it to them and there were a couple parts that they didn't think sounded quite right. They suggested that if I didn't feel comfortable signing it, I should tell him that I wanted to come back in a week and they'd come with me. When I went back, I brought up the points I had doubts about and he just sort of shrugged them off and wrote in a change. I wasn't sure what to do, so I told him I wanted to wait. He seemed to get a little annoyed at this, saying things like "I've already given you three hours of my time [really 2 hours and about 5 minutes], that's $600 and I'm not even your lawyer yet. You want to be the administrator of two estates, but you're having trouble with a simple retainer agreement." He then gave me back all the papers, made an appointment for next Tuesday and I left feeling like I'd made a huge mistake.

I had my neighbor look at the agreement and he said that writing changes to a legal document isn't unusual, but that he should have initialed the changes. He also assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong by waiting, which made me feel a little better. My mother's friends called me and I told them what happened. They said the same thing, then said they'd come down the next day.

Thursday they arrived in the afternoon and we went through a few more things, including going to the probate court to get copies of the applications for becoming administrator of an estate. We filled them out, they stayed overnight again and we took them back and filed them Friday, then they left.

Not much happened over the weekend. My mother's best friend came over today to help me go through some of my mother's stuff, and my mother's friends called to let me know that they're coming back tomorrow. They've been through this with other people and with their help, I may not need to go back to the lawyer. They've been a huge comfort to me and I don't think I would have made it this far without them. Before they came, I felt like just giving up.

I've also been trying to keep the bar running, since it's currently my only source of income. Since I don't have a bank account, I'm going to have to do everything with the cash from the register. That I can handle, but I'm going to need help with all the other crap that comes with running a business, like the Federal Tax and Withholding slips that my father apparently had to make out and pay. I also don't know if I can trust the bartenders. Looking through my father's ledger, it seems like business has dropped off since he died. I don't know if business is just slow, or if I should be worried about the bartenders.

Another factor is that the building where the bar is located is owned by Kingdom Life Christian Church, our own local cult which has been buying up property in the area. They also own the building that an adult video store is located in and they've publically stated that when the lease is up, they want the store out of there. They claim not to know what they'll do when the lease on the bar is up in four years, but several people have told me that they have said that they want the bar out of there. I do know that if they say the lease is invalid now that my father is dead, they'll have more bad publicity than they can handle.

Then there's the issue of my grandmother on my father's side. She's in a nursing home and doesn't recognize me or anyone else anymore. My father had taken over her financial matters and was making payments to the nursing home from her accounts. Now I guess that will fall to me, although I have no idea how that will work.

In regards to some of the comments above; Neither of my parents had a will. My father apparently had some kind of life insurance with Shell, but I haven't heard back from them about it yet. They also didn't have mortage insurance so I still have the house to worry about. Hopefully my father's insurance from Shell will be enough to pay it off. My mother may have had some kind of life insurance through Sears and Allstate, but I'm been told that getting them to pay on a claim is harder than getting blood out of a stone. I also found a $50,000 policy on my father, but the lawyer checked the second time I went and said that it looked like they "surrendered" $38,000 of it back in 2002. Paperwork on an old CD that they had also didn't check out with the bank.

I have some money in the house for food and such, so it's not like I'm going to starve, and the bills are paid for the month (my mother did that the day before she broke her leg), but beyond that, I don't know. One day, everything looks like it might actually work out and the next day it seems hopeless. The days when I'm alone are the worst. I haven't been sleeping all that well. I've been trying to eat on a regular schedule, but it doesn't always work out that way.

My mother had a small dog, a pomerainien(sp?), so at least I have some company. The poor dog keeps looking down the hallway (she has to be kept blocked in the kitchen, or she pees on the rug) and wondering where my mother is.

So that's where I'm at right now.

BTW, my father's name was John T. Larkin, but he always went by "Jack". He was the second to have that name and he wanted me to be John T. Larkin III, but my mother didn't like that idea, so I became John D. Larkin. My mother's name was Freda M. Larkin (pronounced Freeda). He died 2/22/05, she died 2/26/05.

Unless some legal snag pops up, I guess I'm now the owner of the Red Arrow Cafe in Milford CT, at least for another four years...

JohnL

I would offer some advice but it sounds like you have had better advice than I can offer, and some good friends to go along with it.

I agree with your friends about the lawyer. After what has happened and the lawyer is concerned about the time he has already spent with you. The last time I heard a guilt trip about the time someone supposedly invested with me was from a used car salesman. Perhaps the lawyer should go back to selling used cars. (:

Perhaps I was a bit presumptuous with my opinion of the lawyer, but I feel your needs in this time outway by far his fees. And, by the way, it is your right to question or ask for any changes to any agreement before you sign, or even refuse to sign. I agree with you.

If you have questions about anything to which you cannot get any answers, you can always field them here. That's no guarantee, but someone on the board could have an insight.


Keep in touch. I hope the phone company comes soon.

"One day, everything looks like it might actually work out and the next day it seems hopeless. The days when I'm alone are the worst. I haven't been sleeping all that well."

John, hang in there.  That's the way it is going to be for a while.  Good days and bad days.  You are doing fine, all things considered.  Try not to beat yourself up and make "things" worse.  Try to accept that this whole thing, the paperwork, the bar, your feelings, etc, will take some time to work out.

I was very glad you checked back in with us here; been thinking of you and praying for you, and even a little worried.  But all in all, it sounds like you are doing OK, and it is good that you've found some friends with whom to connect.

I must say thank god that you're hanging in there. Just take one day at a time. I know you can do it.

I guess there are no words of comfort, but i am sorry. It's funny how this society places such a stigma on living with your parents while other societies thrive on it and it's part of their culture for generations to live together and support eachother. Screw what other people thought of that and think how lucky you and they were to have spent so much time with eachother. Alot of parents never see their kids because they move off and live in another state or country and call once in awhile.

Also, as bad as things are, once you work though them (and you will), you can change your life. Don't let the "what ifs" take over, because they can slow the healing. We never know what is going to happen from moment to moment, we just live life.  And you can find employment, right now yo probably have alot to sort though but sometimes moments like this can change us entirely. While mine in NO WAY compares, i went through a year where i lost my car, my job of 7 years, my boyfriend of 10 years, my cat of 18 years (and that was the hardest loss believe it or not) alot of money and was living with my parents.

I thought i reached the lowest point I could, 9-11 hit and i was in a total state of just depression. But I somehow got enough to buy a cheap car. Then through a temp agency i got a job the first day, which I'm still at and making alot more money than when i was first hired. I moved out and am for the first time living independently, no boyfriend or parent to support me and it's just a great feeling. Sure i have what if's haunt me now and then, but i try to look past it and just focus on the fact we're all spinning on this blue ball for such a brief period in time, that it's really such a lucky privilage to be born and experience life, the tragedy and all the good little moments. Don't we all have one thing in common, that among millions we were the fastest swimmers dammit? Maybe that means something, maybe we are more determined.

I hope that you find your strength in this, because I can't imagine anything harder. Your parents were so lucky to have had eachother and you in their life, and I found out through mine that no matter how much we think we don't measure up, they love us. Parents are more proud of children who grow up to be loving than wealthy. By loving i don't mean gentle and always going around saying it, sometimes showing your love is just listening to them, showing respect, or whatever ways you express that to someone. Rely on your friends and family to help you through all this financial mess and legalities, it's really a shame that so many people don't keep special papers and wills and let their children know. Even 30 year olds, i think once you marry or have kids you have to get all this information together for those you may leave behind in an unexpected accident. Maybe those reading this will think harder on the impact it has on their family and kids and make the necessary arrangements.  I don't want this post to sound like some cheesy oprah/dr phil moment. But maybe somebody's post here will help you get through each day.  You get to know people you can't help but empathize with their personal struggles and wish the best outcome for them.



Post Edited (03-10-05 22:39)

That's really sad, JohnL.

JohnL - I ran that story about the lawyer to my brother (also a lawyer) and he said steer clear of the guy.  If he sent out vibes like he was annoyed after three lousy hours to a guy who just lost both his parents in the space of a week, he is probably not enough of a professional for you to want working for you.  A good lawyer knows there's no such thing as a "simple retainer agreement" to someone who doesn't know the law and who just lost a loved one that was providing for them.

Sounds like your family and friends have you well in hand.  Lean on them, they're the people you can trust and they can help you find a good lawyer.

I'll be pulling for you.