Movies => Bad Movies => Topic started by: Andrew on April 13, 2005, 01:36:53 PM

Title: The New Barbarians
Post by: Andrew on April 13, 2005, 01:36:53 PM
The other night my good friend Todd visited us.  Usually we play Warhammer after the kids go to sleep, but this time we decided to watch a bad movie or two.  Well, the film we picked was "The New Barbarians," because I had bought the DVD after seeing it at Best Buy.

Everything was on track for a bad "Road Warrior" type film from Italy.  There was the deadly, but reclusive hero, with his souped up car.  There was a band of angry religious fanatics who killed everyone they met.  The deaths were also usually quite goofy, like the one guy who was decapitated by the blade mounted on a sponson.  However, the blade did not have any way of moving up or down.  It was mounted on level with the vehicle's window.  All you had to do was duck and it would go right over you!

Let me see, there was also the rescued "hot woman" who gave the hero guy nookie (in a clear plastic tent - why you would have a clear plastic tent is beyond me).

Oh, and Fred Williamson, complete with exploding arrows in his futuristic bow.

Jump forward some, because this has to be told a certain way.  The next morning Katie asks us, "So, how was the movie."  Both Todd and I look at her and say three words, "Male anal rape." and then look very unhappy.  

The hero gets caught by the bad guys and, because he used to be one of them and seriously dissed the big cruel leader, is treated to some sort of ritual.  They tie this guy up to an A-Frame and then the evil leader gets ready to sodomize him.  At this point I am comfortable, because Fred Williamson is going to appear and save the day.  Well, the pants come off and the evil guy is about to breech the line of no return.  No Fred!  Oh, oh no, where is Fred?  Damn you movie, where in the hell is Fred!  This cannot be happening.  Argggghhh!

And there you have it.  I have two vivid memories from the film.  One is the clear tent, the other is...that.

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Gerry on April 13, 2005, 01:40:47 PM
Yikes! Just struck that movie off of my  must-see list.

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Scott on April 13, 2005, 01:49:01 PM
Is this your first film since being back Andrew? Well, if it is then it sounds like a tentastic film........................

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Archivist on April 13, 2005, 07:02:39 PM
I thought 'The New Barbarians' was also the title of a hardcore 'theme' movie from the early 90's?

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: raj on April 14, 2005, 10:17:50 AM
Note to self:  stop watching New Barbarians right after the clear plastic tent scene.

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Archivist on April 14, 2005, 06:24:02 PM
The New Barbarians could actually be useful under the right circumstances.

Say you've got an awful date who won't go away, and won't get the hint.  So offer to watch 'this classic Italian B-movie' with her.

After the horror, talk feverishly about how the evil leader must have such a sense of power, and how the hero must have felt like being split in two.  Work yourself into a foaming frenzy and 'uncontrollably' flick your eyes towards her rear.  Calm down, but still act a little agitated.

Then go for a romantic stroll in the back yard where you have a rather fetching A-frame newly lashed together.

Best case scenario: she'll suddenly remember that she has to feed her cat and never call again.

Worst case scenario: her eyes will light up and you have to live up to the implied message.


Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Andrew on April 14, 2005, 08:27:16 PM
You can actually watch it for a while after the tent scene.  I mean, there is also the little scamp that fixes the hero's car, but tries to kill him every time he visits.  

Just know what is coming if you keep watching after the "Templers" capture the hero.

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: hbrennan on April 14, 2005, 10:11:49 PM
Glad to see you're back in the saddle (B-movie wise). Now I can bounce back between Jabootu and here!

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Neville on April 15, 2005, 06:34:48 AM
LOL I thought these things only happened on prison f
licks. Reminds me of Jean Claude Van Damme saying in the Making of "Savage" how he was sure it would became a cult flick. Yeah, right! B-movie freaks just love watching half of the male cast being raped.

Title: Re: The New Barbarians
Post by: Archivist on April 15, 2005, 08:40:46 AM
Van Damme made a movie called 'Savage'?  I thought that was a Olivier Gruner flick.  Or another by the same name?  Geez, after the disaster of Replicant I gave up on ever seeing a good Van Damme movie ever again.