OT: The worst week of my life. I'm a wreck! (long)

[dean]

That is such devastating events that one cannot even comprehend it!  I think you must be pretty darn strong to even be capable of writing a post, if it was me, I'd be a complete and utter wreck...

I offer you my humble and simple condolences...

You have recieved some very good advice from people who genuinely care and that can be a rare thing nowadays, some of who have also suffered family tragedy.  Just know that we consider you a part of our B-movie brethren, and as such are part of our family here at this forum.  It goes without saying that we all give you our thoughts and support.

Luck be with you my friend...

[ladiorange]

*hugs* stay strong! don't worry, everything will work out in the end. life is full of tests. it may not sound comforting as you are like a house without foundation during a mighty wind storm, but this storm comes to make you grow. you love your parents a lot, i gather, well, at least your mother, but losing them won't change your love for them. if you love them and always remember them, they will always live on. there comes a point in everyone's life where they face a challenge they think they can never overcome, yet they grow. sometimes it's a little challenge and they only grow a little bit.

this week, you have big challenges: losing close family members, learning independence, staying strong when the simple process of breathing makes you feel like your lungs could collapse. but you must stay strong, you will get through this.

[Lots42]

To JohnL: Contact your local social services office, if you're in America. They do things like (but not limited to) provide emergency help with rent and utillity bills.

[JohnL]

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. I've checked back a couple times, but haven't felt like posting anything. The other day the phone line I use for the modem was giving me so much trouble that I just shut the computer off for two or three days. Even now, it's only connecting at 28.8. The phone company was supposed to come out, but hasn't yet. This will make about the 10th time I've had to call them in the past year. I guess I should post an update. Fair warning, this will probably be pretty long...

I think I've talked to more people this past week than in the past six months. I've gone through my mother's phonebook several times trying to make sure that everyone she knew has been notified. At the hospital, I had my neighbor call her best friend and tell her (they know each other from both working in the courts, so it wasn't like I asked a stranger to tell her) since I wasn't in any shape to do it. When I got home, I called a long-time friend of the family and he came right over. Then he had to leave and I had to go up to the funeral parlor, which is right on the end of our street. When we moved here I liked to joke that it was convenient to have the funeral home right on the end of the street. It's not so funny any more. My neighbor went with me and when we came back, he came in and stayed with me for a while and helped me go through some papers. That was Saturday 2/26/05.

Sunday, an old boyfriend of my mother and his wife came down from Mass. My mother had lost touch with him years ago, but just got back in touch with him around the time that my grandfather died. He was one of the first people I called because I knew my mother had always been close to him. They stayed overnight (at my invitation) and went with me to the lawyer's office on Monday. Rather than the lawyer my parents always went to, I was referred to his associate. He seemed ok I guess, but I would have preferred the one my parents went to. The couple who had gone with me went back home Monday night to avoid a predicted snowstorm. I went back to the lawyer Tuesday and he looked through some of the papers I brought and gave me a retainer agreement to take home and look over. I called my mother's friends on the phone and read it to them and there were a couple parts that they didn't think sounded quite right. They suggested that if I didn't feel comfortable signing it, I should tell him that I wanted to come back in a week and they'd come with me. When I went back, I brought up the points I had doubts about and he just sort of shrugged them off and wrote in a change. I wasn't sure what to do, so I told him I wanted to wait. He seemed to get a little annoyed at this, saying things like "I've already given you three hours of my time [really 2 hours and about 5 minutes], that's $600 and I'm not even your lawyer yet. You want to be the administrator of two estates, but you're having trouble with a simple retainer agreement." He then gave me back all the papers, made an appointment for next Tuesday and I left feeling like I'd made a huge mistake.

I had my neighbor look at the agreement and he said that writing changes to a legal document isn't unusual, but that he should have initialed the changes. He also assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong by waiting, which made me feel a little better. My mother's friends called me and I told them what happened. They said the same thing, then said they'd come down the next day.

Thursday they arrived in the afternoon and we went through a few more things, including going to the probate court to get copies of the applications for becoming administrator of an estate. We filled them out, they stayed overnight again and we took them back and filed them Friday, then they left.

Not much happened over the weekend. My mother's best friend came over today to help me go through some of my mother's stuff, and my mother's friends called to let me know that they're coming back tomorrow. They've been through this with other people and with their help, I may not need to go back to the lawyer. They've been a huge comfort to me and I don't think I would have made it this far without them. Before they came, I felt like just giving up.

I've also been trying to keep the bar running, since it's currently my only source of income. Since I don't have a bank account, I'm going to have to do everything with the cash from the register. That I can handle, but I'm going to need help with all the other crap that comes with running a business, like the Federal Tax and Withholding slips that my father apparently had to make out and pay. I also don't know if I can trust the bartenders. Looking through my father's ledger, it seems like business has dropped off since he died. I don't know if business is just slow, or if I should be worried about the bartenders.

Another factor is that the building where the bar is located is owned by Kingdom Life Christian Church, our own local cult which has been buying up property in the area. They also own the building that an adult video store is located in and they've publically stated that when the lease is up, they want the store out of there. They claim not to know what they'll do when the lease on the bar is up in four years, but several people have told me that they have said that they want the bar out of there. I do know that if they say the lease is invalid now that my father is dead, they'll have more bad publicity than they can handle.

Then there's the issue of my grandmother on my father's side. She's in a nursing home and doesn't recognize me or anyone else anymore. My father had taken over her financial matters and was making payments to the nursing home from her accounts. Now I guess that will fall to me, although I have no idea how that will work.

In regards to some of the comments above; Neither of my parents had a will. My father apparently had some kind of life insurance with Shell, but I haven't heard back from them about it yet. They also didn't have mortage insurance so I still have the house to worry about. Hopefully my father's insurance from Shell will be enough to pay it off. My mother may have had some kind of life insurance through Sears and Allstate, but I'm been told that getting them to pay on a claim is harder than getting blood out of a stone. I also found a $50,000 policy on my father, but the lawyer checked the second time I went and said that it looked like they "surrendered" $38,000 of it back in 2002. Paperwork on an old CD that they had also didn't check out with the bank.

I have some money in the house for food and such, so it's not like I'm going to starve, and the bills are paid for the month (my mother did that the day before she broke her leg), but beyond that, I don't know. One day, everything looks like it might actually work out and the next day it seems hopeless. The days when I'm alone are the worst. I haven't been sleeping all that well. I've been trying to eat on a regular schedule, but it doesn't always work out that way.

My mother had a small dog, a pomerainien(sp?), so at least I have some company. The poor dog keeps looking down the hallway (she has to be kept blocked in the kitchen, or she pees on the rug) and wondering where my mother is.

So that's where I'm at right now.

BTW, my father's name was John T. Larkin, but he always went by "Jack". He was the second to have that name and he wanted me to be John T. Larkin III, but my mother didn't like that idea, so I became John D. Larkin. My mother's name was Freda M. Larkin (pronounced Freeda). He died 2/22/05, she died 2/26/05.

Unless some legal snag pops up, I guess I'm now the owner of the Red Arrow Cafe in Milford CT, at least for another four years...

[Menard]

JohnL

I would offer some advice but it sounds like you have had better advice than I can offer, and some good friends to go along with it.

I agree with your friends about the lawyer. After what has happened and the lawyer is concerned about the time he has already spent with you. The last time I heard a guilt trip about the time someone supposedly invested with me was from a used car salesman. Perhaps the lawyer should go back to selling used cars. (:

Perhaps I was a bit presumptuous with my opinion of the lawyer, but I feel your needs in this time outway by far his fees. And, by the way, it is your right to question or ask for any changes to any agreement before you sign, or even refuse to sign. I agree with you.

If you have questions about anything to which you cannot get any answers, you can always field them here. That's no guarantee, but someone on the board could have an insight.


Keep in touch. I hope the phone company comes soon.

[ulthar]

"One day, everything looks like it might actually work out and the next day it seems hopeless. The days when I'm alone are the worst. I haven't been sleeping all that well."

John, hang in there.  That's the way it is going to be for a while.  Good days and bad days.  You are doing fine, all things considered.  Try not to beat yourself up and make "things" worse.  Try to accept that this whole thing, the paperwork, the bar, your feelings, etc, will take some time to work out.

I was very glad you checked back in with us here; been thinking of you and praying for you, and even a little worried.  But all in all, it sounds like you are doing OK, and it is good that you've found some friends with whom to connect.

[daveblackeye15]

I must say thank god that you're hanging in there. Just take one day at a time. I know you can do it.

[Susan]

I guess there are no words of comfort, but i am sorry. It's funny how this society places such a stigma on living with your parents while other societies thrive on it and it's part of their culture for generations to live together and support eachother. Screw what other people thought of that and think how lucky you and they were to have spent so much time with eachother. Alot of parents never see their kids because they move off and live in another state or country and call once in awhile.

Also, as bad as things are, once you work though them (and you will), you can change your life. Don't let the "what ifs" take over, because they can slow the healing. We never know what is going to happen from moment to moment, we just live life.  And you can find employment, right now yo probably have alot to sort though but sometimes moments like this can change us entirely. While mine in NO WAY compares, i went through a year where i lost my car, my job of 7 years, my boyfriend of 10 years, my cat of 18 years (and that was the hardest loss believe it or not) alot of money and was living with my parents.

I thought i reached the lowest point I could, 9-11 hit and i was in a total state of just depression. But I somehow got enough to buy a cheap car. Then through a temp agency i got a job the first day, which I'm still at and making alot more money than when i was first hired. I moved out and am for the first time living independently, no boyfriend or parent to support me and it's just a great feeling. Sure i have what if's haunt me now and then, but i try to look past it and just focus on the fact we're all spinning on this blue ball for such a brief period in time, that it's really such a lucky privilage to be born and experience life, the tragedy and all the good little moments. Don't we all have one thing in common, that among millions we were the fastest swimmers dammit? Maybe that means something, maybe we are more determined.

I hope that you find your strength in this, because I can't imagine anything harder. Your parents were so lucky to have had eachother and you in their life, and I found out through mine that no matter how much we think we don't measure up, they love us. Parents are more proud of children who grow up to be loving than wealthy. By loving i don't mean gentle and always going around saying it, sometimes showing your love is just listening to them, showing respect, or whatever ways you express that to someone. Rely on your friends and family to help you through all this financial mess and legalities, it's really a shame that so many people don't keep special papers and wills and let their children know. Even 30 year olds, i think once you marry or have kids you have to get all this information together for those you may leave behind in an unexpected accident. Maybe those reading this will think harder on the impact it has on their family and kids and make the necessary arrangements.  I don't want this post to sound like some cheesy oprah/dr phil moment. But maybe somebody's post here will help you get through each day.  You get to know people you can't help but empathize with their personal struggles and wish the best outcome for them.



Post Edited (03-10-05 22:39)

[Shit Demon]

That's really sad, JohnL.

[Eirik]

JohnL - I ran that story about the lawyer to my brother (also a lawyer) and he said steer clear of the guy.  If he sent out vibes like he was annoyed after three lousy hours to a guy who just lost both his parents in the space of a week, he is probably not enough of a professional for you to want working for you.  A good lawyer knows there's no such thing as a "simple retainer agreement" to someone who doesn't know the law and who just lost a loved one that was providing for them.

Sounds like your family and friends have you well in hand.  Lean on them, they're the people you can trust and they can help you find a good lawyer.

I'll be pulling for you.