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A (very) short story I wrote in highschool. What do you think?

Started by akiratubo, August 19, 2007, 11:57:12 PM

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akiratubo

My English teacher one day assigned us to write the beginning of a story.  We read our stories aloud and the rest of the class ventured opinions on what happened in the rest of it.  This is what I came up with:

     "I see something," Ariel said, looking out the front window onto the snow covered forest.
     "What?" I asked, mildly interested.
     "I don't know.  It was a fleeting image."
     "What did it look like?"
     "I – I don't know," Ariel said, a tinge of uneasiness in her voice.  "It was wrong."
     "How so?" I asked, sitting next to her.  I couldn't see anything but trees blanketed with white.
     "There was just something wrong with it.  I don't want to think about it."
     "Then don't."
     I kissed her on the neck, put my arms around her waist.  She was unresponsive and continued to look out the window worriedly.  I kissed her on the mouth and she kissed me back a little.  Her lips were warm and soft.  We made love for a little more than an hour.
     When we were done, Ariel resumed her vigil at the window.  Her constant staring was beginning to get to me.

So, what do you all think happened next?
Kneel before Dr. Hell, the ruler of this world!

RCMerchant

 There it was again. A shape. Darting behind a tree. A deer? Maybe. A hunter? Bigfoot?
Bigfoot. She smiled and chuckled to herself. Right...being an artist gives you an active imagination. The woods were not that thick...Bigfoot would have to be awful sneaky to hide in that area. Maybe-
  Again! Only closer! It seemed more defined. It was red...yes...it-

  Suddenly it filled the window. A huge,man,with sunglasses-a garish cape draped over some bizzare costume. And he was grinning-a horrible toothy grin that crinkled his huge face.
   "SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!"
"Supernatural?...perhaps. Baloney?...Perhaps not!" Bela Lugosi-the BLACK CAT (1934)
Interviewer-"Does Dracula ever end for you?
Lugosi-"No. Dracula-never ends."

Slobber, Drool, Drip!
https://www.tumblr.com/ronmerchant

Shadow

Mr. Merchant, that last line caused me to spit soda all over the desk. Kudos.  :teddyr:
Shadow
www.bmoviegraveyard.com
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akiratubo

Kneel before Dr. Hell, the ruler of this world!

flackbait

Quote from: Shadow on August 20, 2007, 03:48:15 PM
Mr. Merchant, that last line caused me to spit soda all over the desk. Kudos.  :teddyr:
I'm  glad I wasn't drinking anything or my laptop would be toast. Damn that was a funny one!

RCMerchant

As I was typing,the thought occured to me that if Macho Man popped up outta nowhere,it would scare the hell outta me. Glad you gotta laff outta it!  :smile:
"Supernatural?...perhaps. Baloney?...Perhaps not!" Bela Lugosi-the BLACK CAT (1934)
Interviewer-"Does Dracula ever end for you?
Lugosi-"No. Dracula-never ends."

Slobber, Drool, Drip!
https://www.tumblr.com/ronmerchant

JaseSF

Meanwhile from the rear of the car came an even larger yellow and red figure. It was a large, heavily muscled man hobbling along on two obviously shot knees shouting "Whachagonado Macho Man, Bra! Whacha go--a-do when Hulkamania runs wild on you!!"
"This above all: To thine own self be true!"