June 2006 Proofreading Challenge

[LilCerberus]

"The reason for this is made clear later, but it still does not make sense."
-The reason for what? The reason why they dump in plain sight? The reason why the drums are marked "radioactive"? The reason why Hank knows about The Floating Pig? What is "this"?

"The incongruity of the women's age spoils some of the effect, but mostly what does not work is the direction. There is something chilling about a crowd of gleeful innocents anticipating a surprise when the viewer knows that inexorable death is closing in."
-Uhh... What is it about the direction that doesn't work?

"If that is not creepy enough, seeing the two lovebirds drift around the party before coming together and gazing into each other's eyes will."
-I think you should've closed this sentence with "is" instead of "will", & I think it runs os just a teensie bit. (What's that word I'm looking for?)

"Sodium does exist as a liquid at over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure."
-Pardon my density, but I had to read this sentence a couple of times before I understood it.
Some possible revisions would be,
"Sodium can exist as a liquid at over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit, or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure."
or
"Sodium can only exist as a liquid at over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit, or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure."
or
"Sodium only exists as a liquid at over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit, or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure."
or
"Sodium does exist as a liquid, but only at over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit, or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure."
or even
"At over two hundred degrees Fahrenheit or at room temperature under extreme (one million atmospheres) pressure, does, as a liquid, exist sodium."

I couldn't seem to find any typos this time, but I'll keep looking.
Well, I'm finding this very enjoyable, but I wouldn't be too suprised if you're starting to regret this idea of bringing out all of us whiners & knitpickers and the like.

I hope you had a happy Father's Day

[Andrew]

Thank you to those who took this on.  Most of the corrections suggested were made and have been posted.

Lilcerberus was the name drawn from the small pool of submissions.  I am sending you an email to ask what DVD I can send your way.

The real goal had been to update some of the older reviews and it just did not happen.  Sometimes you try something and the reality is that you need to change your target or method.  In any case, Inyarear gave a good switching to my mistakes in "Crash and Burn."  I am going to offer up something there too, as thanks.

[LilCerberus]

Andrew Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> The real goal had been to update some of the older
> reviews and it just did not happen.  Sometimes you
> try something and the reality is that you need to
> change your target or method.  In any case,
> Inyarear gave a good switching to my mistakes in
> "Crash and Burn."  I am going to offer up
> something there too, as thanks.


You mean you wanted us to correct ALL of 'em?
Oh, boy; some of us whiners & knitpickers probably would've had a field day with that one... Or at least it would've been the perfect excuse to indulge in some other classic reading besides these *@&! phonebooks I've been meaning to throw out.

(Yeah, I was use 'em for a bunker, but my landlord wouldn't let me. He's already upset about the motorcycle.)

Speaking of old phonebooks, does everybody get them with these stupid ads for "Chaplin, Papa & Gonet" on the back? I liked it better when they used to have those "service district" maps on the back.

[BTM]

Ahh man, I totally missed this, I'm usually good with proofreading (unless it's something I've written... ;)