Diatron 5 (aka Space Transformer)

I got this for $1.00 at Wal Mart. Amazingly, it's actually pretty good.

This little animated movie apparently hails from South Korea.

The Earth space station Star Wars barely survives a meteor shower. One of the meteors makes it through Earth's atmosphere and lands just outside the estate of Ivy, the world's most talented and intelligent girl. The control computers for Earth's defense mechanisms are implanted in Ivy's brain.

The meteor that landed outside her house is actually a disguised space ship carrying an assassin in the employ of the evil General Thong. The assassin makes his way into Ivy's room and shoots the hell out of her while she's taking a shower.

Meanwhile, General Thong unleashes his Paras robot on the Star Wars space station. Paras easily destroys the Star Wars.

Some little guy who looks like Dr. Wily sends his robot Diatron 3 to battle with Paras in space while a doctor who looks like a taller version of him tends to Ivy. The doctor conlcudes that the bullets the assassin used on Ivy contained some kind of micronized military force that's killing Ivy's body from the inside out. The only chance to save Ivy, and secure the Earth, is to micronize Diatron 3 and send it after the invading force. (Good thing the assassin didn't just use regular bullets, huh?)

Diatron 3 and its pilot, a little robot named Biped, are micronized and enter Ivy's body. Inside, they find an entire solar system! I don't really know what the hell's going on, but later dialogue leads me to believe that this isn't really taking place inside Ivy's body, but inside her dreaming mind. But ... oh, well, I'm just not going to worry about it. The whole thing is really weird.

Inside this weird and confusing solar system within Ivy's body, Diatron 3 and Biped run afoul of the evil General Mary, who commands the army of horned green men killing Ivy's body systems and three - count 'em, three - Paras robots (PARASite, get it?) that easily overwhelm Diatron 3. Biped is taken as Mary's slave.

Well, darn. That just sucks for the Earth. But, remember, this movie is called Diatron FIVE, not Diatron THREE. (I don't know where Diatron 4 went during all this.) Dr. Wily-guy shrinks his most trusted soldier, Commander Chi, and his girlfriend Karen, and sends them into Ivy along with Diatron 5. The idiots LOSE DIATRON 5'S CONTROL CAPSULE IMMEDIATELY.

Well, damn. What are they to do now?

They join forces with Ivy's remaining white blood cells, who are represented in the dream world by short, fat dudes in white tunics, and plan a raid on Mary's citadel.

Turns out Mary isn't the ultimate authority of the invaders into Ivy's body. (That sounds all sorts of wrong.) Her brother, King I-never-caught-his-name-even-after-watching-it-three-times, is the leader of the "micro infection unit" in Ivy's body. Anyway, both he and Mary are evil. How evil are they? They keep a tentacle monster around just to drop people into its mouth. That's how evil they are.

The actor dubbing King Whatshisname is GREAT. And by that I mean he's the worst actor ever to record voice samples. You really just have to hear him to understand. I can't accurately convey his speech patterns with the written word, but let me try. "Maaaaaaary!" "Aaaaall riiiight calllllm doooooown and teeeeelllll meeee whaaaaat haaaappppppeeeeennnneeeddddd!" I hope you get the idea.

So, anyway, Chi and Karen lead the white blood cell guys on a raid on King Whatshisname and Mary's fortress. They find out that Biped has been forced to -- gasp -- draw Mary's baths and wash her clothes! When Chi and Karen free Biped from his forced servitude, he kicks Mary in the vagina several times and smashes her face into the floor. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! (It doesn't sound funny, but it's the funniest s**t I've seen all year.)

Chi and Karen try to bargain Mary's life against King Whatshisname's withdrawl from Ivy's body. But King Whoever outwits them both. Karen is either captured or killed outright (it's hard to tell) and Chi is dumped into the pit with the tentacle monster.

He escapes and encouters Cosmo and Kascha from Ideon! I'm not kidding! Here, they're dubbed "Checker" and "Charlie", respectively, but's it's Cosmo and Kascha without a doubt. They live in a junkyard where no one bothers them. Oh, and Chi finds Diatron 5's control capsule there. (About time.)

Some of the green guys kill Charlie, which p**ses off Checker to no end. He wants to accompany Chi when he takes Diatron 5 to kick everyone's ass. Chi agrees.

So, Chi takes Diatron 5 to kick everyone's ass and succeeds spectacularly. The bad guys get what they deserve (and rather fulfillingly, too) and Checker demonstrates exactly how p**sed-off he really is.

During this, Karen is either killed for the first or second time (sucks to be her) when Checker shoots a lamp and blows up everything. I really don't know.

Anyway, Diatron 5 somehow comes back into the real world and is restored to full size. Chi pilots it into space and blows up General Thong (remember him?).

The End