Rabid (1977) - Cronenberg's zombie comedy (?)

In short, Rabid is about a woman named Rose who gets burned alive under a wrecked motorcycle. She receives some experimental skin-grafts that have been reverted to stem cells. At least I think that's what they're supposed to be; the characters call them "undifferentiated" cells. When Rose wakes up from her coma, she finds that she has an anus* under her armpit with a penis inside it. Furthermore, there's a needle sticking out of the end of the penis. Rose quickly finds out that she is now a hemovore and that her anus/penis/needle is her new feeding organ. Even worse, every person on whom she dines becomes a flesh-eating zombie! If you've seen "Dawn of the Dead" and "The Crazies" you can predict what happens from there.

This movie had me laughing out loud quite often. The lead-in to every one of Rose's feeding sessions is nearly identical to some tired old porno cliche. (No accident there: Rose is played by the insatiable Marilyn Chambers, perhaps the most famous porno actress of the 70s.) A few times, you can even see Ms. Chambers trying not to giggle whenever she realizes what she's doing.

The acting is atrocious. Ms. Chambers does all right but misses the mark quite a few times, leading to many guffaws. At least she's earnest. The other actors are the ones you'd swear make their living in porno films. Especially bad is the guy playing Rose's useless boyfriend, Hart. I actually had to pause it and ride out my laughter during his "big" moment at the end of the film. And the incidental players -- cripes! Did Cronenberg just yank bums off the street and tell them they'd get free booze if they would "act real hard"?

One exception is Susan Roman, who plays Rose's friend Mindy. She does perhaps the best acting in the movie but she seems somehow uncomfortable on camera. Perhaps this is why Ms. Roman became primarily a voice actress. I've listened to her voice since the 80s and it was nice to finally see her. (Circa 1977, she was hot.)

During the course of the film, we are also treated to such hilarious sights as a doctor going crazy and cutting off his nurse's fingers, a really bad cop gunning down a mall Santa when trying to take down a zombie, Rose rolling around a bathroom floor in her undies after she goes too long without feeding, and a dead baby stuffed into a cooler.

Huh? What? Of course that's funny! What are you, a weirdo or something?

Trust me, folks, this movie is outrageous. Cronenberg made an almost perfect parody of porno, vampire, and zombie movies all in one. Laughing at this sucker made my day.

*I've seen the thing under Rose's armpit consistently referred to as a "vulva". In the first look at it we get, it sure looks more like an anus to me. The last time we get to see it, though, it does look more like a vulva. Knowing Cronenberg, it's probably supposed to be a combination of an anus and a vulva (with a penis in it). Just wrap your head around that!