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Author Topic: Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter  (Read 4011 times)
clockworkcanary
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« on: November 14, 2006, 11:10:21 AM »

Slime Rating: ** 1/2

Here's one of my many reviews of a Friday the 13th film.  This review would be rated R for violence and language.  I'll also post Part II, one of my first reviews, very soon (although the screen captures aren't quite as good).  I am currently working on part 7 aka Jason vs Carrie so stay tuned...

Overview

Also known as Friday the 13th Part IV

Well I suppose they thought this one would be the last; perhaps they even planned it that way (until they realized they made too much money to stop), which may be why this flick seems to have a bit more invested in it than the last.  Final Chapter is a bit different than the rest, especially the ones before it.  There seems to be more invested in the characters and perhaps more invested in the scares and definitely some new direction in the kills.

We have a new setting as well –more of a resort house next to a family rather than a campgrounds or a barn.  I’ve tried to compile a map of Crystal Lake and its surroundings that I’ll have to reproduce for your laughing pleasure as (especially when merged with places later in the series) it makes little sense, but then what do we really expect.

We have some interesting characters in this one: we have a Final Girl™, a Final Kid™, who will be the first to return in a later sequel, and we have a couple pre-stars, and even some typical, yet somehow somewhat interesting dialog.  In this flick, we have a teenage George McFly and a pre-teen Goonie Feldman who both go on to be in better movies, so it’s definitely interesting to see them in a Friday film.  We have quite a few interesting victims in this one from everything to a hitchhiker, a mom (first time so far?), a dog, a nurse, a “bear” hunter, along with a standard batch of kids. 

And finally, we have a different Jason (as they’ve all been different so far) played by Ted White I believe.  This guy was huge and imposing…and from reports I have read, he never spoke or intermingled with the cast to give them that extra level of fear and discomfort …and it shows.  Jason’s actually a bit frightening in this one.

Speaking of Jason, he’s extremely harsh in this one – man is he p**sed.  Ol’ big J does a lot of slow crushing in this one, some crunching, and breaks a lot of glass…and I mean a lot.  In the prior Fridays he mainly does a quick cut, a stab, a slice, etc.  It’s almost as if in part 2 he was just wanting quick revenge for momma – just cutting his teeth on the killing, still animalistic almost.  From what I remember from part 3, he kills like it was a chore.  In this one, it’s almost as if he’s finally reached a boiling point as if he finally snapped, “GODDAMN these f**king kids!!! Why do they keep coming back?!!!! They’re gonna pay!”   He tears these poor bastards to pieces.

We see a couple deaths by stabbing, a few crushings (one will hurt even when I describe it coming up later), one or two off screen, one with a hacksaw (think about that one for a second), a corkscrew, a meat cleaver, one through a glass window, and of course some machete madness.

Before we get to an actual recap, I thought I'd take it upon myself to make my own Crystal Lake map based on the events from parts 1-10, even though the lake couldn't be this big to house all these abodes.  Come to think of it, I'd love to be the contractor for all the buildings they've constructed over the years at Crystal Lake.  Funny how they're always showcasing a "new" place but every one of them looks older than dirt.



Good
Some brutal-ass killings
McFly the deadf**k
Goonie!
Look!  There’s an actual parent this time
Jason’s actually pretty damn scary
Change in formula: Final Girl™ and Final Kid™
Actual characters
Creepy atmosphere

Bad
Jason’s teleportation powers and clairvoyance
Teddy Bear and any of his dialogue
The whole bear-hunter’s fizzled out revenge subplot
Vintage porn reels
80s fashion
“He’s killing me…HE’S KILLING ME!”

Ugly
The dog flying through the window (when Jason’s obviously on a different floor of the house)
Jason’s oatmeal-like face
The harpoon gun to the groin (ouch!)
Tommy’s Apes**t attack
Axle and Nurse Ratchet making out near a corpse
Axle meet Mr. Hacksaw
Zaxxon video game
“I need a bypass patch cord”
Teens singing lame-ass songs on the way to the vacation house
Tommy’s “infatuation” with Bear Hunter


Recap

Director - Joseph Zito, Screenplay - Barney Cohen, Story - Bruce Hidemi Salkow, Producer - Frank Mancuso Jr, Photography - Joao Fernandes, Music - Harry Manfredini, Makeup Effects - Tom Savini. Production Company - Paramount.

Cast:
Crispin Glover (Jimmy), Kimberley Beck (Trish), E. Erich Anderson (Rob), Corey Feldman (Tommy Jarvis), Alan Hayes (Paul), Judie Aronson (Samanatha), Ted White (Jason Voorhees), Lawrence Monoson (Ted), Joan Freeman (Mrs Jarvis), Peter Barton (Doug), Camilla More (Tina), Lisa Freeman (Nurse Doug), Bruce Mahler (Axel)

Overall Morality Message: (and it really hammers it: Sex is bad mmmkay!)
Everyone knows that sex kills in these types of movies but this one has more sexuality than the rest as most dialog from most characters focuses on getting laid or descriptions of such. This is perhaps a solid explanation of why Jason is more brutal in this?  Or is he just burnt out on the trespassers and very angry?

Start the Movie!
I insert the DVD and the menu screen appears with the same graphic as the cover with some hellish abstract of red smoke, explosions, or blood.  It actually looks as if they paid more than $2 an hour to design their graphics.  We can obviously tell by the knife through an eyehole that this image is foreshadowing Jason’s death and the end of the series, but who will do the stabbing of the Jason, hmmmm?  HMMMM?

Time to press play and get this started.  Cue Friday music…and a recap of Jason from Friday 2.  See, this is about the time in the series we get a half-decent history lesson scene of the Friday lore and we also get to see highlights of the last couple chase-downs.  We get a repeat of Trucker Whoever-the-f**k act as good as Uncle Wilbur, followed by the “death curse” geezer, Crazy Ralph.  Interesting that they show a few deaths performed by his mother but they book it all as Jason.

Thought that just occurred: Jason started out from ideas inspired by the killer from the town that dreaded sundown, dude from Psycho (or Ed Gein specifically) and evolved from an animalistic golem into an undead zombie with supernatural powers beyond imperviousness to damage.  The Final Chapter shows a major step going towards zombiehood as he exhibits a number of magical powers in this one such as teleportation, clairavoyance, and even more imperviousness to pain and/or injury.

The Review
The montage of the “best” bits of the last three continues and we get the entire background explained by Paul at the campfire in part 2.  They really ate up some movie time just with the setup, and indeed the best parts were shown –this is good because we know we will have less Act 2 (dull midpart of every Friday) where we meet and greet the cast who we’ll need not really bother getting attached.   We get the wheel chair death, we get some shots of Jason getting hit and getting back up, etc., -basically nullifying any reason to watch the previous flicks. 

A hockey mask with the red Friday the 13th explodes at you! –followed by the credits. 

To the Morgue
Cops come to collect the dead from part 3 and haul them all to the morgue.  Nice shot of Jason laying in the barn –they remove the Axe.  Continuity check – hockey mask keeps the 3-Dimension axe wound mark from Friday 3 but it’s laying on the ground instead of in his head.  7 kids and 3 bikers in the last flick died –or at least so we learn from one of the rescue workers.  Woman paramedic is freaked naturally and Jason’s “falling-of-the hand on you” move doesn’t help. We see Jason hauled off in an ambulance and we arrive in the hospital.  Some family cries in the background –perhaps poor relatives of some of the victims?

Fun at the Morgue
We meet the first victim of the flick (hope I didn’t spoil anything), a mortician eating around the dead with his hands too sticky to sign the paperwork because he’s obviously not paying attention.  He lays his food on top of Jason to sign it.  He remarks about the attractiveness of one of the dead girls.  We know he will die because he is well into the “annoying character.”  I bet he will annoy us even more before he dies, in fact.   Well look at this -he just sealed the deal; he’s trying to get it on with the nurse right there by Jason. 

Axle, his name is, gives her a good scare, but it doesn’t work on the audience.  News is on and they inform the public Jason is dead –this makes the nurse unbutton her shirt near his “corpse.”  This lady has some of the funniest lines for Axle.  You’ll have to see to enjoy that.

Jason does another “falling-of-the-hand” on her ass while they’re making out and they both flip out.  Axle gets a cussing and she splits into a room with pills.  Here are a couple more false scares.  Axle’s watching women work out and Jason’s had a long enough nap and gives Axle a good decapitation with the hacksaw -ouch.  Then he goes into the other room, grabs the nurse by the face pressing her into the wall above him, raising her off the ground.  He stabs her in the chest, she screams, and we cut away to some joggers who establish Dad’s away.  Mom and daughter in a Summer’s Eve commercial but someone’s watching –probably not the audience.



Family Time
Switch to Zaxxon, on a 2-bit video game (on a coleco of all things I believe it is), played by Tommy, an adopted fish kid reject from the Return of the Jedi cast –oh j/k; it’s just a kid who got 98000 points or some s**t.  35 robots – he knows his computer s**t because “[he] needs a bypass patchcord” to play the first video game ever up in his s**tty little room.  This gives Trish nomination to drive Tommy in town later to meet some victims.  I believe this is the first mom we’ve met besides Pam Vorhees from part 1.  Tommy finally puts on his mask as a human boy so he doesn’t embarrass his sister when they go to town (although notice that we never get to see “town”). 

She mentions some foreshadowing of a psycho walking in, not that it matters because Jason’s all about going through the windows.  We register that they are a “real” family and they talk about the new vict…I mean kids then we flash to some kids singing along a secluded highway. 

Fresh Meat
These aren’t the songs my friends and I used to sing when we were out cruisin’.  These people definitely need to die if they’re going to be singing s**t like that.  We get a conversation between Teddy and McFly about BlowJob Betty and Mcfly’s on the defense.  Teddy puts it in the “computer,” which is imaginary due to the very low budget.  Teddy computes that McFly’s a “dead f**k,” which is precisely what the entire cast will be very soon –a bunch of dead f**ks. 

For no reason, on a straight road, they get lost near Pam Vorhees’s tombstone for a minute.  I guess they buried her close to where she killed a bunch of people and then lost her head.  They pass a Canadian hippie on the way but drive on by, mocking her.  She eats a banana and Jason stabs her slowly through the neck for simulating a sex act – and he hates hippies –even grunts when he’s killing her with total gratification.   She squeezes the banana to death and spits it out as she’s getting the stab.  Then we flash to what was likely Corey’s favorite scene in the movie.

They're Here
The teenagers show up at the resort across from the Jervis’s and they hoot and holler.  Gordon, the family dog was at the door about the same time.  Is this going to be the dog that saves the day?  We’ll see.  Mcfly is still whining about being a dead f**k.  Mom’s worried they’ll get her daughter to smoke crack as she watches them from the window.

Switch to girl talk – one a girl who “does it” and one who “doesn’t.”  She’s monogamous but must have got a bad wrap.  Man these kids don’t mess around – they’re all about the sex, even relative to earlier Friday victims.  Slutspeak from part 2 would fit right it.  The two girls discuss sleeping arrangements and virgin is worried and nervous.  Switch to sis going to bed.  Switch to Tommy in bed watching the neighbors, mom comes in, he plays possum, but she closes the drapes.  Corey was a bit excited about all that.  I guess over night, Jason takes his time getting back to camp to start the killing? 

Typical Friday ass shot with the teen girls.  Mcfly wants to call BJ Betty and still whining about being a Dead f**k –Teddy calls him out on it.  Incoming the moaning girls on bicycles – twins in totally 80s Flash dance garb –one’s the snob; the other’s supposedly the slut.   Virgin Girl™ splits from the group and dude bombs asking her for company.   I’ll just call him “dude” since he has no other personality traits really.  Virgin Girl™ feels Jason’s presence like a rabbit senses a wolf, but she only runs into a branch for another false scare. 

Skinny Dipping
Cut to swimming in the lake.  People immediately get naked when Murdock yells, “skinny dip” – everyone gets naked and the do the obligatory money shots.  McFly chickens out of course as does Virgin Girl™ (hey I thought she just split?!).  Damn these kids don’t waste anytime compared to the lone skinny dipper in part 2.

Tommy runs up chasing Gordon and checks out the action until his sister busts him and makes him turn around.  They head back but the car breaks down.  Tommy can’t fix it –he needs a screwdriver. Sis feels Jason’s presence.  Back to virgin and girl who did it monogamously – she tries to get virgin in the water naked, she won’t so girl who did it monogamously pulls a fake scare drowning on her but it was a ruse.  She pulls virgin in the water fully clothed! Ah what a gag!

Car Broke Down
Switch to Tommy, Trish, and their stalled car.  Scary feet False scare time again – it’s Bear Hunter.  He can fix the car with his knife.  Sis/Trish likes him so she gives him a ride for it.  Tommy gets a little infatuated with the guy …a little too much infatuation.  Establishes they live deep in the woods.  Bear hunter indicates he’s hunting bear but Tommy doesn’t buy the “bear” s**t.  I guess Paul from part 2 was full of s**t about the bears.  Now, it would have been a cool scene to have someone get stalked by a bear at random, sometime during the series, just for some variety but oh well.

They talk of the new kids (no, no, not the “New Kids”).  She invites him in when they get home – Tommy’s all about it –he has “something neat to show him in his bedroom” and he rushes him up there as fast as possible.  Mom barely gets to meet/greet him.  Here we get to see Tommy’s collection of perversions – masks he will use in fetish ways when he becomes an adult.  I guess this means he can handle scary stuff?  We’ll see about that.  Tommy does another false scare with a neck toy/leash.  Tommy’s got a mobile mask.  Switch to teens makin’ out on the stairs.  Damn these kids get right into it.  They can party a little bit better than the jokers from part 2…a little bit more anyway.

Party Time
Mcfly gets a girl to dance to some 80s cheese hair metal so he can spaz dance like he’s having a convulsion.  Murdock puts on some slow stuff and Shades does a cheezy teddy bear kiss put on and the girl is not about him at all – she ditches and moves on Murdock after his girl took off but she comes back.  She runs from Teddy again while Mcfly dances with the other twin.  Switch to sis and bear hunter in the woods – he kisses her cheek and takes off.  He’s after a bear.  Ah kissing’s too close to sexual activity – Jason won’t like that!

Back to teens  - Teddy and Mcfly the deadf**k.  They start drinking and shout about it.  Someone wins a dance and the girlfriend gets mad about it and decides to leave.  Teddy is mad about loosing chick to Murdock.  Girlfriend gets naked and goes for a swim –same thing anyone would do after some chick steals their boyfriend.  As a side note, a report I read indicated this scene was shot in the wintertime!  She swims out to a raft and guess who knew someone would be coming around eventually?  Jason leaps up, grabs her, and stabs her through the raft for a few screams.  He takes his time more now that he’s a seasoned killer of bad teenagers as he sinks the knife in long enough for her scream to change in pitch.



Late Night Spear Gun
Murdock feels guilty and heads out to the lake for his girlfriend.  I swear every character calls out someone else’s name at least three times – watch and see.  Twin switches from Murdock to Mcfly and he says why not.   She takes Mcfly upstairs while shades sits by himself.  Other girl gives him the a***ole look but due to process of elimination, gives him the “well wtf I guess” look.  Murdock disrobes and heads for the raft to find a nice surprise. 

A not-so-nice surprise awaits his return to the docks in the form of Jason and some kind of spear gun, which he uses to thoroughly stab poor Murdock in the genitalia and raise him up into the air, which makes him sing soprano naturally in horrid screams.  If that wasn’t bad enough, it has some kind of gun-like handle that makes the end clam down even harder (or fires the speargun –whatever –either makes me wince in pain just thinking about it).  This poor bastard screams in absolute agony as he dies and even Bear Hunter hears this (but no one else does), and pulls out his…machete…oh bad idea bear hunter…bad idea. 

Bear hunter needs someone to explain to him that you can’t hunt in the woods effectively by stomping on every single twig and having a huge-ass spotlight shining right on top of you.  He doesn’t even make it out of view of his tent before someone went in and smashed his gun.  Jason must have been worried…but he didn’t wait around.   Maybe the bear did it because I’m not sure how the hell Jason got from the underwater area near the docks to the tent out in the woods in that amount of time, but then he probably teleported. 

George McFly gets a Girl
McFly and the slut twin upstairs – she hops on him, the bed breaks, he does a Gilbert laugh and Shade finds vintage 20s porn reels –he’s gone for the night.  He makes everyone watch it.  Angry twin goes up but horny twin’s getting it on.  Angry twin leaves on the bike.  Lightning strikes because it rains every other day in the universe of a Friday the 13th film.  Girl on the bike gets killed off screen and then thrown with a javelin into the side of the wall.  I should have been calling her spear catcher.

Mom's Home
Virgin girl hits on the guy she burnt earlier.  Mom comes home across the street and the lights are out.  No one’s home yet.  Dog’s not home either.  She does the standard “call for every person (or even dog in this case) that you know” in a horror movie.  She walks outside and gets killed off screen for it –and she left the door open –f**kin’ hypocrite.



Trish and Tommy are headin’ back while virgin girl is getting some different clothes on.  Back to kids at home – no lights and no mom.  Are we getting close to the 70-minute mark yet?  Where did they even go? Maybe a scene was cut.  I don’t think anyone cares really.

Switch to Virgin Girl™ getting ready to loose her name.  Back to Tommy and Trish coming home to a dark house and no mom.  Trish leaves to hunt for mom and orders Tommy to stay and fix the lights.  She somehow knows where Bear Hunter’s tent is but he’s not there.  She searches through his stuff as someone creeps up.  We get another false scare …well we would if Bear f**ker could sneak through the woods without stepping on every single branch…Trish didn’t hear him though.  He slices through his own tent like a dumbass wondering why she is there.

Champaign Time
Back to McFly and his insecurities.  He asks if he was a dead f**k and she says no…even though they both are very soon.  She says he is incredible and he does another Gilbert laugh, then she splits.  He steals her panties and shows it like a trophy to Teddy who’s all into vintage porn.  More Gilbert laughing …they want to celebrate.  McFly hits the kitchen looking for the corkscrew.  He hells at Ted but he’s oblivious.  Jason is there! With the corkscrew!  He gives it back to McFly, right in the hand, followed by a meat cleaver to the face…classy!  At least Biff didn’t pull anything like that.

More Glass Breaking
Slut twin returns to the room with McFly and has the sudden urge to look out the window.  Jason knew this would happen so he quickly runs (or teleports…or something) from the kitchen to the ledge outside of the second floor –he knew exactly which window she would be looking out and exactly the same time.  Maybe he was just hanging out there for awhile.  But we notice that ledge isn’t there later – there was nothing for him to stand on!  Jason rips through the glass window grabbing her, tossing her down on top of a car, shattering a whole lot of glass, yet no one anywhere hears any of this.  She bounces off the car with a nice thud.

Back to Bear Hunter –he’s explaining his dumbass sister getting killed by Jason in part 2.  He explains Jason’s background and all that – newspaper clippings, etc.  Trish finally buys it and realizes Tommy’s at the house by himself.  Switch to Tommy heading down to fix the lights. 



Quick shot of smut boy Teddy bear and his blue movie and then were in the shower with other dude and Virgin Girl™ and some shower loving.  I’m pretty sure we can still call her that by this point but it’s ambiguous.  Back to smut boy who decides to approaches the screen for some self-loving?!  The reel stops and he’s all yelling “Jimbo” and Jason knifes him in the back of the head through the screen. 

Shower Fun's Over
She leaves and agrees to meet him in the bottom bunk.  He sings in the shower.  She blow-dries her hair so she won’t hear the next victim die.  He sings on in the shower but hears a noise.  He starts calling for Sarah but no answer.  He starts calling for Paulie old buddy because he “dropped his soap.”  Jason, being all hyper masculine and homophobic, doesn’t like this joke too well and punches through the glass, slowly smashing this poor fool’s nose into his brain, slowly crushing him further into the tile, finally crushing his skull.  Damn he’s p**sed – I told you!

She finishes drying her hair not having heard a thing.  She walks back in the bathroom and notices his dead body hanging off the broken glass of the shower door and she books it downstairs.  She heads for the door but it’s locked (from her side!).  After screaming to high hell giving away her location, a double-bladed axe comes flying through the door nailing her in the chest.  Jason knew she’d run for the door so after killing shower boy he teleported back outside!  Man that Jason is slick.

Back to Goonie and someone knocking on the door.  Someone breaks the glass – it’s just Trish and Bear Hunter.  They try to call for help but Jason knows this so he gets rid of the phone lines at the same time.  Bear Hunter digs in his bag.  Trish and Bear Hunter go next door and order Tommy to stay put.   There’s Gordon!

Discovery of the Dead
They approach the other house with a film flickering in the window and huge rips in the door.  They go in to search and naturally after a few moments the power goes out there too.  Bear Hunter thinks it's wise to go to the basement by himself and Trish stays up top.  Gordon passes by her and she follows him a bit.  She sees Gordon upstairs and all the sudden Gordon goes flying through the window! Wtf?!  So either the dog committed suicide or Jason was up there to throw him out the window? 

Trish leaves Bear Hunter to fend for himself in the basement while Tommy’s at home reading all about Jason’s history from the newspaper clippings.  Trish discovers a bloody shower and a body spiked to the door.  Jason likes to decorate.   She screams all crazy, runs down to the basement to get Bear Hunter and they book up stairs so Jason can grab an ankle from below –somehow he teleported under the stairs and Bear Hunter didn’t see him the whole time. 

Bear Hunter's Revenge -or is it?Um…ok.  Bear Hunter thinks he’s gonna head on down to take Jason on.  Good luck man.  Jason grabs him and throws him against the wall and dude just whines “run! He’s killing me…he’s killing me” as Jason does just that.  Geee all that build up and hunting and all he does is die a little slower than the last few chumps …no offense…a 5 second squash match instead of a 2.  Go figure.  So this guy could have lived but he wanted to be a hard ass and take Jason down.  Looks like his sister was not avenged after all.  Now someone in the family must come and avenge both of them!  Actually, it might have been a bit more interesting if members of the same family kept showing up in the sequels to never succeed!

Trish heads back upstairs and turns around…silence…Like an idiot, she comes back down the basement stairs real slow and Jason does the ankle grab from under the stairs again.  You know, for a retard, he really likes to f**k with his prey.  Trish is Final Girl™ but apparently as dumb as Jason.

The Chase Down
She hauls ass back out to the front door but look! There’s a twin’s body lying there that wasn’t there a few minutes ago –Jason decorates fast with his teleporting.  She heads to the back door where Jason has hung McFly, Jesus-style, over the frame of the door.  She decides the best route is to smash a window and head out that way instead of just walking around one of the bodies.  Jason could have and should have caught up with her by now, but script says “no.”

Trish makes it back home and Tommy and her try to nail the door shut like it matters.  Quick clip of Jason walking through the back door, tearing the McFly decoration down like he enjoys it.  Back to Trish trying to nail the place shut.  Geeesh all those glass windows.  And on that, cue a body flying through, as we would expect about now.  Jason and his mom must have had some bond that they both enjoy throwing bodies at their prey.  I guess it’s great psychological warfare, but does Jason really give the matter that much thought?  Perhaps he just likes tossing bodies around and the audience only gets to notice a few.

As they look at the body, Jason bursts through yet another window behind Tommy grabbing him while Trish goes to town on his head with the hammer!  As much as she hammers him in the head, a normal man would have went down.  After seeing this has little effect, she flips to the claw side of the hammer and buries it in Jason’s neck. He lets her go after that!

Trish and Tommy haul ass and Jason bursts through the nailed-shut door like it was cardboard, giving a hammer toss of his own, but he misses (be sure to watch this same effect in part 5 except it’s not really Jason and the door isn’t nailed shut then).  Tommy about s**ts a blue brick about now! 

They head upstairs with Jason close behind –he’s walking fast but not running (a slight change in motion from part 2 –he’s aged a lot in the last 6 days evidently).  They move Tommy’s toy shelf in front of the door like it will matter and wait for Jason to find the right room, try the door, and bust through it.  Jason’s polite by knocking first, of course.

Jason pulls another Jack Torrance and busts down the door, reaching his hand in, and pushing the shelf over –but something’s bogging him down and Trish takes advantage of this by dropping a TV on his had – not bad.  Jason gets the shock and actually sells this injury…for now.  Jason drops over onto the floor and of course they must walk over him and of course he plays the “grab your ankles while you walk over me so I can grab one of yas” card. 

They flank Jason and he debates who to kill first –he settles on Trish, chasing her down the stairs, which persuades Tommy to give himself a head shave for some reason.   Trish books it over to the house of dead f**ks again and Jason follows her upstairs.  She decides to plunge out the window shattering more glass, bouncing off a rail and landing in the mud.  She’s not dead either; she slowly makes it up as Jason comes back down to finish her off.

The Show Down
She makes it back home but Tommy is still there giving himself a Mohawk.  Trish hears Jason sneak up behind her and she grabs the machete, swings, and misses.  She starts swingin’ at him but he dodges.  He tries to catch it but she nails him between the fingers!!  He stands, bleeds, and looks at it for awhile.  He follows her into the living room and she’s still swinging and missing. 

She slashes him good across the chest but it only p**ses him off so he clotheslines the lamp (oh yay great for the audience –we can’t see s**t now).  But we can see him go into a chokehold, sending her to the ground –guess she dropped the machete.   She hits on him like crazy but it only seems to annoy him, slowing his kill.  Tommy comes down the stairs, Lex Luthor style, saying “Jason …”

Tard Wars
Jason stops, turns, and looks at him, confused as hell why a kid would try to pull such a dumb ass stunt.  Corey…I mean Tommy repeats, “Jason…don’t you remember?”  Jason is distracted long enough for Trish to grab the machete and knock his mask off as he turns around, revealing his hidiousness!  And his hidiousness has changed a lot in the last week considering he was a long haired-hippy in part 2, a bald retard in 3, and now a zombified-looking retard in part 4.  Well after the mask flies, the machete hits the floor, and Jason turns to give Trish a good look at his face, which naturally horrifies her.

Ape s**t Tommy
Tommy takes this opportunity to jump down and grab the machete and here’s where Tommy doesn’t half-ass it –he slashes Jason right in the side of the temple with it, deeply too.  Blood starts gushing as Jason falls to his knees.  In this gruesome scene, he falls forward onto the machete still lodged in his head and slides down the blade, eye first!  Tommy is no fool though – he picks up the machete again, just in case.  Trish runs over and hugs him for dear life but Tommy notices Jason’s finger’s twitch. 

Tommy goes ape s**t!  He pushes Trish away and starts the hacking, “die…Die…DIE!” he says as he chops away.  Switch to the hospital and Trish is laying in bed talking to a dips**t doctor and a dips**t cop.  Tommy comes in all whacked out  He rushes to give her a hug and the camera focuses on his sudden stern look!  Oh no, looks like they’re booking him to be the next Jason.  Too bad it was just a swerve though –could have been a good plot point later, but instead we’ll see him in the next couple episodes, if the agony hasn’t driven you off yet.

Things I've learned from this Move
Crystal Lake Campgrounds has a near unlimited amount of buildings that spring up on a near daily basis
News (especially about psychotic killers) travels very slowly in the local area
Jason has teleportation powers
Jason has clairvoyance powers
Jason can hover outside a window waiting for a victim without a ledge to stand on
Jason hates hippies

The End
« Last Edit: November 30, 2006, 09:18:02 AM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: November 14, 2006, 11:52:47 AM »

Nice work on these (though I cannot read the Transformers one - thinking about writing a review soon for that).  The little map and the analysis of how large and expansive of a summer camp this must be were terrific additions.

The little text blurbs below the pictures, while not uncommon for online reviews, are a nice touch.  I have been thinking about adding the same to mine as an added feature.  Done right, they can be knock down funny.
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« Reply #2 on: November 14, 2006, 12:00:41 PM »

Nice work on these (though I cannot read the Transformers one - thinking about writing a review soon for that).  The little map and the analysis of how large and expansive of a summer camp this must be were terrific additions.

The little text blurbs below the pictures, while not uncommon for online reviews, are a nice touch.  I have been thinking about adding the same to mine as an added feature.  Done right, they can be knock down funny.

Thanks!  I wasn't sure if you had restrictions on language and such so I hope that's ok.  I know I have cuss words in the review and the captions.   Let me know if I'm breaking any rules or getting too lewd with my comments.

I usually use 3-4 components to my review: overview, talking about the context of the movie, character intros w/pictures (which can be pretty funny), a list of good/bad/ugly, screen captions, and the recap itself.  I hope you don't mind I include all of that -some of my reviews can get pretty long with all of that.

If you were planning your own Transformers review, I can take mine down, unless you don't mind multiple reviews of the same movie on your site.  Either way is ok with me.  I've been tempted to do a complete write-up of the G.I. Joe movie that came out the same year.  I've already done some screen captures but who knows when I'll get time for all of the rest.  I have a whole list of of 80s b-flicks I want to get to, but who knows when that'll be.

Thanks for letting me post my reviews - nice to have a folder for that now.
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"All disco must end in broken bones" - Cia from Whale
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« Reply #3 on: November 14, 2006, 12:34:35 PM »

Thanks!  I wasn't sure if you had restrictions on language and such so I hope that's ok.  I know I have cuss words in the review and the captions.   Let me know if I'm breaking any rules or getting too lewd with my comments.

I usually use 3-4 components to my review: overview, talking about the context of the movie, character intros w/pictures (which can be pretty funny), a list of good/bad/ugly, screen captions, and the recap itself.  I hope you don't mind I include all of that -some of my reviews can get pretty long with all of that.

If you were planning your own Transformers review, I can take mine down, unless you don't mind multiple reviews of the same movie on your site.  Either way is ok with me.  I've been tempted to do a complete write-up of the G.I. Joe movie that came out the same year.  I've already done some screen captures but who knows when I'll get time for all of the rest.  I have a whole list of of 80s b-flicks I want to get to, but who knows when that'll be.

Thanks for letting me post my reviews - nice to have a folder for that now.

You curse a bit more than I would and I have been mulling over the "censored" words for the forum.  Advertisers usually dislike a few of the more vulgar  ones.  I do not go overboard on ads, but I need them to pay for the site.  Anyway, you curse more than I would, but we are different people.  You might also brush your teeth longer than me, while I might drink more gatorade than you do.

No worries about anyone creating duplicate reviews in here.  The reviews I write are my opinion.  Someone else will have a different opinion and a different view of the film.  I enjoy readinig reviews for films that I have also reviewed, because I can compare that person's opinion to my own.  Also, they sometimes catch things that I failed to notice.  The latter reason is why I found your little map so interesting.

The site has needed a way for anyone to post their movie reviews for a long time.  I am glad I finally got off my butt and put it in place.  The length is no worry.  Another thing I did on installation is increased the default maximum size of posts (it was 20k characters, now it is 40k), because I did not want to cramp anyone's style.
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« Reply #4 on: November 14, 2006, 12:57:38 PM »

No problem - I'll self-censor from here on out - I'll go back and edit any cusswords out of the text although it may be more difficult to edit out the captions since they are screen shots.   I totally understand your reasoning and wouldn't want to hamper any relationships with anything providing revenue.  I'll use asterisks, euphamisms, or other symbols to mask any of the real bad words from now on.

If I find myself near the maximum on post length I'll just break the review into multiple posts.  Many times, I do the recaps gradually and end up making multiple posts with "to be continued" anyway.

Excellent upgrade to the site though.  I'll likely be adding a few more past-written reviews if you don't mind.
« Last Edit: November 14, 2006, 12:59:52 PM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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« Reply #5 on: November 14, 2006, 07:02:08 PM »

Great review! I love the map. Thumbup
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« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2006, 09:02:23 AM »

Thanks!  I sure appreciate it.  Yeah the map isn't completely accurate but it's my best guess.  Maybe someday I'll venture to make some sort of timeline, although in the Friday universe, that could be quite a challenge to make one that's coherent lol.

Question for Andrew: I love your "things I've learned from this movie" component of your review and I was wondering if I could incorporate that component in my reviews too?
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