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Andrew
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« on: November 25, 2006, 08:51:23 PM »

(Moving this onto the board to preserve the information, because the Fest section is being removed.)

B-FEST 2000

THE CHARACTERS

Alan and Rob of Oh the Humanity! - Easy enough to get along with, though Rob seemed a little annoyed, later on I found out he didn't feel well - it might also have been from everyone complaining about how often they update.
Apostic of B-Notes - Older than I imagined and he sort of looks like one of the Village People in his winter coat and hat. Don't let him and Ken start making puns together.
Chris - Fairly religious, but intelligent and able to reason so I didn't get into an argument with him.
Dr. Freex of The Bad Movie Report - Here is the one gentlemen I actually managed to have the correct mental picture of prior to meeting him. As the oldest member of our party he did a fine job of waving a cane around and yelling "Whippersnapper!" at everyone. (I'm not joking.) We did not really get a chance to speak at length, but I look forward to seeing the gent again.
Jeff - Out of all the great people I met at B-Fest, he was the person I could sit down and converse with. Bearded and wearing a leather biker jacket, you would expect a rather unfriendly person.  You would be incorrect. Hope he makes it next year, knocking down a bottle of whiskey wouldn't be the same without him there.
Jeff of Filmboy - Seems like a nice guy, never spoke with him in any depth though.
Ken Begg and Paul of Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension - He handled the logistics of transporting around over a dozen people and finding them food, places to sleep, and restrooms. Though he insisted on exposing us to Mae West and Timothy Dalton singing "Love Will Keep Us Together" (I'll explain that travesty later.) I cannot help myself, I like this guy. Paul arrived a little late; despite liking Microsoft products, he seems to be a good guy.
Kurt and Diana vonRoeschlaub - A genuinely happy couple, these two cracked me up and were kind enough not to engage in bouts of messy kissing. Diana slept the most out of anyone at B-Fest, but she was sleeping for two after all...
Matt, the head B-Fest organizer - He seems rather quiet, not the usual type you'd pick to handle a rowdy group of freaks.
Sue - Amazon woman! Not only is she the same height as me, she's damn bossy as well. (It's a joke between her and myself.)
The Laser Pointer Guys - Rather than just bland points of a light a few had shapes, like crosshairs or a mouse, the latter was a riot when "Son of Blob" had a kitten on the screen. One of these guys managed to annoy everyone during "Faster p***ycat! Kill! Kill!" though, including myself. To the idiot: you came very close to meeting your God.

WHAT HAPPENED

Pre B-Fest
750 miles of driving before I arrive in Chicago and finally meet Ken Begg, after a favorable impression he inflicts the first (Of several.) viewings for "Sextette" on me. If you have not seen this movie, well you are damn lucky.  It involves an ancient Mae West making numerous sex jokes with Timothy Dalton. (It was made in 1978.) Considering his obsession with this film, I am pretty certain he is going to hell. We talk, we eat hot dogs, we go to the theater.

Daddy-O
Not my usual cup of tea.  The film's plot is one of the standard "musician and fast car" teenager flicks, plus I thought the female lead was a royal b***h.

Invasion of the Saucer Men
Campy fun with all the kids making out in some old guy's back field. (You kids stop that smooching!) I would not mind having a little Martian around which injects me with alcohol by the way.

Beneath the Planet of the Apes
In real 35mm no less! (Most of the films are in 16mm.) Unfortunately the reel was absolutely battered, still it let us yell every single ape joke you could think of.

House on Haunted Hill
I like this movie and the guy with the crosshair laser pointer had some great gags whenever Price and his disgruntled bride were on screen. Around here I discover the Jar Jar Binks gum dispenser.  it is sort of like a Pez dispenser, but you have to french it to get the gum. I decide it loves Ken and begin chasing him around with the abomination saying "Meesa love Ken!" (This pretty much continues at random intervals all night until he hides it from me.)

The Wizard of Speed and Time (Short)
Oh boy, how can you not love this? Mike Jittlov is the wizard.  Watching him run and dance is a complete blast!

Plan 9 from Outer Space
B-Fest reminded me of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" in the first place, now with the audience yelling "Tor!" and "Bela!" or "Chiropractor!" it hit home. During scenes when a flying hubcap appears the air is filled with paper plates, it's great fun! By the way, it's wicker.

Dracula 1972 AD
Hammer Films sends their king vampire to meet the groovy part of England. It was nice to finally see this film, but really only as a milestone.

Jungle Hell
Ken starts laughing and gibbering about "lots of elephants." Who would have guessed this was the problem? In a film about ninety minutes long you see almost fifty minutes of stock footage, mostly of pachyderms. Add to this one goofy "Jungle Boy" named Sabu (Who runs around wearing a diaper for goodness sakes.) and the terror is complete. Around ten minutes before the end I fell asleep and drooled on my shirt. What was up with the evil "Jungle Boy" who kept attacking Sabu anyway? (Not to mention the flying saucer?) If you kick my ass three times in a row I'm pretty sure the fourth time you'll kick my ass again.

Gavotte (Short)
Two French midgets fighting over a pillow, then one gets stuffed in a box. No dialog. It gave me the giggles...

Tomb It May Concern (Short)
I vote this for the most offensive piece we viewed.  Not on account the girl they choose to dance erotically was a bit chubby either.  At the end the guy who is "color blind" takes the stereotypical Egyptian girl.

The Quest
Standard Van Damme stuff, I decided to take a nap halfway through it.

Creature from the Haunted Sea
Snort, snuffle, what? I'm awake? Oh, it's over, but I do love the goofy monster in this one.

What is Communism? (Short)
One thing about the Cold War, it certainly did spawn some interesting public service films. I start shouting "USA! USA!"

It Came from Outer Space
The 3-D glasses gave me a tumor, but I did enjoy the novelty of watching the Professor from "Gilligan's Island" wander around as an alien puppet.

Son of Blob
I love this film! The blob consumes any and everything you could hope for; after starting off with a cute kitten as a snack it soon moves on to bigger things, like Dick Van Patton. Crowning moment of the film is when it rolls over some guy who has fallen from his wheelchair and is ineffectively waving a cross at it. (That was me who jumped up and started screaming, "Eat the cripple!" it's not PC, but boy was it amusing.)

The Raven
A trainwreck of patch Edgar Allen Poe stories if I ever saw one, but Bella Lugosi and Boris Karloff are the main characters, so it is worth watching.

Red Nightmare (Short)
Walked back in to watch the end of this, I was in the cafeteria grabbing some chow.

Five Million Years to Earth
Also known as "Quartermass and the Pit." As the film begins we watch in horror, the reel is not moving and horrible melting effects are being projected! By now my speech centers are suffering from lack of sleep, I'm actually regressing evolution due to fatigue, the only word I managed to yell at the booth is "Fire!" Ken and Apostic start yelling at me, I apologize and we settle in to watch this great film in 35mm.

Teenage Caveman
Men wandering around in loincloths and a very amusing fake alligator.

The Slime People
More vintage camp, why doesn't anyone decide to try salt on the bipedal slugs earlier?

Faster p***ycat! Kill! Kill!
In 35mm no less, you have to love Russ Meyer. Psycho women driving fast cars and Tura Satana's breasts. (I have one thing to say about them: God Damn!) All too soon the film ran it's course and the lights came on, a quick police call followed to return the theater as we found it.

Post B-Fest
A delightful mixer at Ken's mother's home before everyone slowly conks out. (How the hell did I end up sleeping on the kitchen floor anyway? Plus Dr. Freex wakes me around 0830 searching for coffee.) Before everyone can scatter to the four winds Ken manages to subject us to one last viewing of "Sextette" - I crawled under the table and moaned until it was over.

LESSONS LEARNED

Do not let the guy from Phoenix, AZ have control of the thermostat.
Rob has a superfluous third nipple.
New York is hard to recognize after a nuclear war.
Diana vonRoeschlaub is knocked up.
Paper plates are deadly projectiles.
Jar Jar Binks has a crush on Ken Begg.
Splashing water on a woman will make her belly dance.
Communists are lying, determined, godless, and a bunch of other unsavory things.
Cheap 3-D glasses can really give you a headache.
You do not want to see Tor naked.
The hardest part of a vegetable to eat is the wheelchair.
Humans were genetically engineered by intelligent locusts from Mars.
Never give the moron a laser pointer.
Very strong men are powerful enough to keep a car from crushing them.
I am George Kennedy's love child

Listen to Jar Jar speak about his love for Ken Begg:  Meesa love Ken!




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