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Andrew
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« on: November 25, 2006, 08:40:47 PM »

(Moving this onto the board to preserve the information, because the Fest section is being removed.)

B-FEST 2001

THE CHARACTERS

Apostic of B-Notes - His presence signaled another slew of atrocious puns this year. It is a good thing he has a redeeming quality, an amazing knowledge of cinema. People literally bleed from their ears after hearing some of his shots.
Chris Magyar - He had an interesting "Zen Moment" this year. At one point I turned around and he was sound asleep, but sitting in the Lotus Position. Ken Begg said he would start levitating shortly. I was of the opinion it would cut off the blood supply to his limbs and cause gangrene. Either way, we decided to let him sleep.
Jeff - Keeping the resident of Arizona away from the thermostat is no easy task, but worthwhile unless you like eighty degrees Fahrenheit. At one point I was stepping down from the stage at B-Fest (in total darkness) and trod upon him. He yelled "Ouch!" and I took another misstep (getting another "ouch" out of the drowsing Jeff) before doing a tuck and roll. The entire incident had me laughing for several minutes.
Joe Bannerman of Opposable Thumb Films - Still a little on the quiet side, but I fully expect him to go streaking across the stage at next B-Fest.
Ken Begg of Jabootu's Bad Movie Dimension - Respect is due a man who can drag people from across the country to visit Chicago in the middle of winter. Jabootu's mighty cleric deserves recognition for once again coordinating our group's attendance. For Christmas next year I'm going to buy him a modest little tool kit. Fixing a loose transmission hose with his sole screwdriver was frightful. Of course, I should've had some tools in the car anyway. Hey! Time to buy more stuff from Sears! Yay!
Kurt vonRoeschlaub - Would you look at this! A non-threatening man (as in he doesn't seem dangerously insane) with facial hair. Kurt was kind enough to refrain from strangling any manatees in the nude for two days.
Mark Mitchell - You expect the webmaster of OTF to have business cards, but in reality Mike is the one with them. Just imagine Igor handing out contact sheets while Dr. Frankenstein looks on dumbfounded.
Misc People - It was a pleasure to see the gent who is a member of the Navy reserve again, though I'm sorry about not remembering your name. If the need ever arises for me to jump a crowd of laser pointer wielding nerds,  I am certain to have your assistance and am glad of that fact. There was another character wearing a Stomp Tokyo shirt and positively astounding camouflage trousers. Where in the world did you get those things anyway? Do they glow in the dark?

WHAT HAPPENED

Pre B-Fest
My schedule is a little fickle, which means I'm often not certain about my ability to attend B-Fest. Since transport was going to be an issue for everyone flying in it makes sense for me to drive. This year I had a minor problem when one of the lines that carries transmission fluid to the radiator came loose. On a 1999 Dodge! American manufacturing has gone down the tubes, at least for retaining clips. Around 0400 hours I was in the middle of nowhere Indiana facing down a big corn fed redneck who refused to sell me automatic transmission fluid. He would be happy to get me a room in the nearby roach motel though. To make a long story short, I left several dollars on the counter (more than enough) and took the fluid. My only worry during the exchange was that he might have a firearm.

It was sometime around 0530 when I arrived at Ken's home; Joe and Apostic were already there. In fact, somehow Apostic had broken Ken's toilet seat. Countless times had the high priest of Jabootu's bottom graced the device, yet Apostic's behind snapped it like a dry twig. You can only imagine the wrenching and thrashing that must have been going on. Despite that, we soon settled down to the real order of business: getting some cotton pickin' sleep.

The next day brought more arrivals and our (now) traditional visit to "Superdawg" for chow. Before heading to the auditorium we ingested some delicious hot dogs, though I am unable to say the same about the tamales. Disgusting things I tell you, like eating corn meal soaked in oil.

Reform School Girl
Sponsored by the B-Masters Cabal no less. We were originally shooting for Brain from Planet Arous, but this will do nicely. I've decided that women in prison (or reform school) movies sucked before the 60's came along. "I'm going to have a baby!"

Greaser's Palace
Wait a minute, I know this movie! Caught some of it on cable years ago and have been dying to find out the title ever since! See that guy in the zoot suit? HE IS CHRIST! (Sort of.) The DVD is already ordered, you will see a review before February ends.

Blood of Dracula
Man, this resembles the evening's first film so closely that I started rubbing my eyes. Situational awareness wasn't helped by the fact that there is no Dracula in this film. What we do have is a maniacal female professor using a cursed amulet to transform one of her charges into Eddie Munster.

Cleopatra Jones and the Casino of Gold
Jabootu himself endorsed this film and you just cannot argue theology with a deity. Cleopatra is up against a massive drug empire; its bastion is a Casino fortress. Lucky lady has a spunky Japanese girl to help her this time around, along with the Johnson brothers (masters of kung fu).

What is Communism? (Short)
It is bad, very bad.

The Wizard of Speed and Time (Short)
He is so cool it hurts and keeping up with him will get your legs tired real fast. A fantastic way to awaken the audience; watching this film is like drinking a cup of concentrated Mountain Dew.

Plan 9 from Outer Space
Beware the paper plates, they are hurled with much force. Students of bad film must be familiar with Ed Wood's masterpiece.

Gavotte (Short)
French midgets fighting over a pillow! This film is best enjoyed sitting in the middle of the stage, gazing up at the towering images as they battle heroically for the stuffed prize.

Gorgo
Ah, the fine inhabitants of the British Isles decide to make a giant monster movie in keeping with the fine Japanese tradition. Easy on the eyes, but the crowd is starting to get beat down by lack of sleep. I managed to freak myself out during this movie. One of our main human characters crawled into a diving bell to look for Gorgo. This prompted me into an evolved five minute rant about how the apparatus reminded him of life before birth. The shouted soliloquy ended with, "I'm going to curl up in mother's womb for a few hours with several quarts of milk and just suckle." Soon as the words left my mouth I knew it was wrong. If a mirror were handy I'd have stared at myself in horror.

War of the Colossal Beast
After ten minutes I decided to get some sleep. It is around 0400 in the morning and I own it anyway.

Invasion of the Bee Girls
Zzzzzz...

Solarbabies
All of the movie (except the last two minutes) looked surprisingly like the inside of my eyeballs. Check out my review for a detailed account.

Wild in the Streets
Young rock musician fights the establishment. When he says "The Man" he actually means "The Old Man." Only from the same generation that brought us Woodstock could such a film be born. Should the voting age be lowered to fourteen? I think not, unless you relish having the Backstreet Boys or Britney Spears as an elected official. Don't even get me started on ten year olds. "I elect you Pikachu!"

The She Creature
I knew the truth all along. Women are not descended from apes; they are evolved from hideous aquatic monsters with scaly breasts. What I didn't know was that a hypnotist could summon your past incarnation (in the flesh) to do his bidding.

The Undertaker and His Pals
Evil funeral home owner enlists the aid of two guys from a diner to drum up business. Remarkably fun at times and you would almost expect H.G. Lewis to have directed this film. It certainly plays like one of his, with generous helpings of Delicatessen thrown in. I'm glad my last name is not that of a food.

Atomic Submarine
You must know all about flying saucers, but how about swimming ones? Captain Wendover guides his crew on a desperate mission to stop an alien ship. Said vessel has been destroying submarines under the North Pole and it is piloted by a one-eyed alien. Seen it before, have the DVD, second wind failing... ...zzzzz.

Assassin of Youth
Okay, I'm awake when this one begins. Pretty much your standard old (real old) anti-drug movie. The things our grandparents worried about, like a girl of college age staying at a man's house, still crack me up.

Dracula Has Risen From the Grave
Returned when a priest's blood dribbles into a puddle of water (exactly my thoughts: what?), he finds his castle sanctified by a huge cross. After tracking down the holy man who committed such an infernal crime he kills the Monsignor and spirits away the lovely niece. Jeff is really vocal about his hatred for one of the major plot points. So Dracula pulls a stake out of his own chest, what's the big deal? *Snicker*

Mothra
Twin Fairies telepathically linked to a huge moth! Hatred of America's political (and military) pressure hidden under the false name of "Rolithica!" Toho's classic rubber monsters are just that and a make a fitting end to the B-Fest marathon. A review of this is coming to the site within a few months, so I will not get into details. Maybe just one. Pavlov would have loved to study the response the little women had to that warbling alarm.

Post B-Fest
Ken's mom graciously provides her house, a nice roomy place, as ground zero for the B-Masters mixer. She also demonstrates remarkable insight and leaves the area completely. Where she goes is a mystery, but her actions are prudent. Most mothers do not like watching their sons guzzle beer and parade an endless train of hookers upstairs to their old room. Midnight passes and with it the last gasp from all assembled. My sleeping bag looked mighty comfy and it was, oh yes it was.

Morning brought renewed life to our dry marrow, along with delicious omelettes being served by Jeff. Refreshed and a few bodies lighter, since the day would see a slow attrition due to flight schedules, we headed back to Ken's. B-Fest 2001.2 was in full swing and our group of gluttons happily sucked down several more hours of awful films. "Nude on the Moon" and "The Astro-Zombies" were among them; truly it was a weekend of depraved delights.

On Monday the last of us departed, returning Jabootu's priest to his quiet life of watching "Sextette" once per day. I'd much rather join a sect where we smack wooden boards against our skulls. Still, the drive home gave me several hours to contemplate. I am already looking forward to January 2002.

LESSONS LEARNED

If you decide to sleep on the floor make sure it is where people can see you.
Jar-Jar Binks had better hope cardboard cutouts are not allowed as substitutes for voodoo dolls.
Nerds wear pocket protectors, have glasses, and carry laser pointers. (Dude, you are such a freaking geek. I'd grind you up for fish bait, but it would kill the fish.)
The idiot who invented heavy duty paper plates never thought of people throwing them at each other.
India signing the Berne Convention is good in some ways and bad in some ways.
Arguing the merits of Mosquito over Skeeter tends to amuse people.
Driving through eight hours of sleet and hard rain sucks.
Logged

Andrew Borntreger
Badmovies.org
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