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Andrew
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« on: November 25, 2006, 08:56:39 PM »

(Moving this onto the board to preserve the information, because the Fest section is being removed.)

New Orleans Worst Film Festival X

THE CHARACTERS

Alan and Rob of Oh, the Humanity! - The reviewers turned museum curators of the b-movie world, these two always seem a bit withdrawn to me. You see, I want to get inside Rob, see what makes him tick. It appears I'll be using something sharp to do so... ...Mwhahhahaha!
Andrew Muchoney - First time around, at B-Fest 2000, he and I didn't speak much, this was probably due to Ken playing matchmaker. Before you start cracking "alternative lifestyle" jokes I need to explain. Out of the B-Masters it appears I'm among the most outgoing (which is an understatement, I'm a maniacal extrovert to be exact) and enjoy a night on the town with all the requisite vices. Hard alcohol (screw beer), some pretty women to look at, and a burger or steak - I'm happy. Well he appreciates the same things and this time we did sample the heart of debauchery, Bourbon Street in New Orleans. You're an excellent drinking buddy, even if you are an Army reservist and damn lawyer...
Apostic (and wife) of B-Notes - I'm still trying to decide why everyone precedes his nickname with "enigmatic." He is rather quiet and an amazing repository of film facts.
Dr. Freex (and wife) of The Bad Movie Report - This distinguished fellow (this is how you describe older men who don't look enfeebled) and I finally had the opportunity to converse with each other at length. You would be surprised to note we did not talk much about films, but more normal conversation topics like family and life. No need to bore you with it, just remember that if I had to nominate a b-movie site for any award it would be The Bad Movie Report, plus his taste in films is pretty darn close to my own.
Jeff of Filmboy - A good person, quiet most of the time too. Since his interest seems to be recent releases I guess he felt like the odd duck.
Ken Begg of Jabootu.com - The high priest of bad movies is still pretty jolly, but he has developed an amusing persecution/conspiracy complex about Stomp Tokyo. While it is true that most mental illnesses are not funny (to your normal person, I get a great chuckle out of some kid repeating "red rum, red rum" over and over), listening to Ken extrapolate how Chris and Scott intend to do all the other B-Masters in was interesting.
Alfred and Crystal of the New Orleans Worst Film Festival - Our hosts, in addition to a multitude of other people who make sure the festival happens. Alfred is an expert at responding to hecklers by the way.
A Number of Goofy Gothic Horror Hosts - Before almost every film we were treated to a previously taped video greeting or live appearance by them, the most memorable of which was Professor Griffin. Why did I enjoy his presentation the most? He didn't try to go over the top and tossed out a few accurate facts about the Roger Corman film we were about to view. Another gentlemen who sang "I'm a Ro-Man" to the song from "Blues Brothers" was pretty good as well.
Kitten Natividad - Honored guest at NOWFF, she is notable for her appearance in Russ Meyer's "Beneath the Valley of the Ultra-Vixens," though she seems to be suffering some ill effects. To get specific: her ability to interact with the real world seems to be less than optimal and she is constantly adjusting her breasts, I finally gave up and just hollered at her, "Take it off!" You really have to read her IMDB Profile though.

WHAT HAPPENED

Pre NOWFF
Atlanta to New Orleans is only about seven hours by car so we drove. Makes sense since transportation for all the B-Masters was going to be an issue anyway. I found Ken, Apostic, and the other Andrew watching "The Day the Earth Stood Still" in their hotel room, but the Stomp Tokyo crew had already left for Bourbon Street. The COMMUNISTS!

In the morning a likely cafe had been picked out for breakfast, unfortunately it is closed on the weekends so most of us filled our guts at the hotel's buffet. It was about the same quality as chow hall food and I shoveled it down with gusto, most of my fellow diners were less appreciative.

For some reason everyone decided to follow me to the auditorium NOWFF was taking place in. Did I mention this was my first visit to New Orleans and I had no friggin idea where we were going? Amazingly we arrived with no problem and the Cabal presented Crystal with a huge box of canned goods (to get in you paid seven dollars and donated some food to Second Harvest), I am proud to say Badmovies.org donated ten cans of Spam.

Serpent Island
If you have ever begged for movies to have accurate titles, this is a prime example. Serpent (singular) Island is inhabited by one snake, probably the world's only leaping constrictor to boot. One minute the thing is coiled around a statue and the next we see some poor snake handler wrestling with it on the ground. Let us not forget the native voodoo ceremony in which everyone is wearing machine stitched clothing. Stock footage anyone? Much preferable to watching rotund man bare his chest repeatedly though.

My Son the Vampire
Bela Lugosi meets a crossdressing Englishman. The humor was intended to be madcap antics, it comes off as a bit of idiocy.

Hillbillys in a Haunted House
Arrrggghhhh! For the most part I could stand this movie, noticing that the female lead (who might have been a clone of Sandra Dee) is related to Jennifer Aniston somehow. Just think headlights if you are confused. I have been wondering though, since when did backwoods women have manicures and all their teeth? The spooks are not really spirits, instead John Carradine and Lon Chaney are masterminds behind an international crime organization, they just use sheets and pulleys to scare off trespassers. I could deal with all that, even a real ghost showing up to thwart the evildoers. What I could not deal with was the ending, about twenty minutes of God awful country music. Not even a chance to catch my breath before another singer sat down in front of the camera and started making dogs howl. I whimpered and cried out for succor until it ended.

Attack of the Crab Monsters
Watched this three times recently for my review so Katie and myself went to get food. Too bad we couldn't find some place selling crabcakes.

Seven Dwarfs to the Rescue
Awful Italian rip-off of "Snow White," but it is full of real live midgets! Seven, er six (one is a child), of them! At first we struggle through silly scenes meant to depict the dwarves everyday life, until the Prince of Darkness (POD) kidnaps Snow White. Then the fun really starts as the dwarves struggle to reach the POD's fortress and rescue her. Not to be missed is the scene where a meadow suddenly becomes a gigantic toilet, flushing all the little guys into a badly done "underwater" scene. Just imagine short people pretending to swim behind a filmy cloth (or similar effect). I felt sorry for the POD though, he ends up getting jumped by five midgets.

Godzilla vs. Monster Zero
Sponsored and introduced by the Stomp Tokyo crowd.  I was happy since it is my favorite Godzilla film. Here is the review.

The Navy vs. the Night Monsters
Exactly how much terror can you milk out of a barely mobile killer tree? Not much, though watching the poor members of my sister service get spooked and invariably back up into an immobile Night Monster was fun. I have said it once before and I will say it again, "If it looks like a carnivorous plant then it probably is a carnivorous plant." There was another interesting point to note, one Navy pilot was suffering from shock and became a danger to everyone else, so they tranquilized him. Common sense would dictate strapping him down as well, definitely after the first time he woke up and attacked someone, but they never did. Eventually the freak breaks free (after the third or fourth time, I lost count) and runs off into the jungle, only to be eaten when he tries to flying tackle a carnivorous tree.

Plan 9 from Outer Space
There is a problem with sitting in the front row for this film, you are absolutely savaged by paper plates. Read my review if you have not done so.

Post NOWFF
Almost everyone is beat down, but the other Andrew and myself head out to sample New Orleans on a Saturday night. Shortly before dawn we drag ourselves home, much wiser and drunker. It was a good night.

Breakfast went off rather well at a classy buffet place. I put a huge dent in the pile of mudbugs (crawfish) and a few were used to reenact scenes from the old classic "Teenagers from Outer Space." Alas, it ended all too soon as Katie and myself departed on our return trip.

I attend these events for two reasons. The main one is socializing with the other B-Masters, which defies every law of website evolution and capitalism you'll find. For all intents and purposes we should be adversaries, but I very much enjoy their company. Secondly it broadens your b-movie horizons, even if that might be a painful thing due to country western music. Different groups have different tastes in b-movies, so mixing it up is a real eye opener.

LESSONS LEARNED

Alabama has some really amusing radio stations, like "The Power Pig!"
New Orleans' streets were designed by an escaped mental patient. (Honestly, who makes a one-way street change directions?)
If you are poor you had better like Spam.
The last thing you want to be doing in front of a crowd of unruly b-movie freaks is manually inflating a Deanzilla figure, especially when one of the nipples is between its legs.
Doc, the dwarf, had a pet rat.
Sitting in a high school auditorium seat for twelve hours is pure torture. (In fact, at one point I yelled out, "I CAN'T FEEL MY ASS!")
Kitten believes in better living through pharmaceuticals.
An amazing number of rats can fit into one pile of garbage.
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Andrew Borntreger
Badmovies.org
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