G-MEN FROM HELL
Copyright Company and Date: 2000 Sawmill Entertainment
Submitted by KYGOTC
Dean Crept- Dirty dead fed. Tough guy. Loves his family, (who are dead).
Mike Matress- Also a bribe taking deceased fed. Womanizer. Has a tendency to blow a gasket easily.
The Devil- Surly prince of darkness who no one understands.
Doctor Boffiard- Nutty Scientist who specializes in bringing back dead souls.
Pete- Homicidal hand puppet. Gets sent to Hell.
Marvin- Retarded mute human who Pete controls. Marvin is the dummy!
Weenie Man- He prefers "Winiferd". Satan's little toadie who is sent to keep Crept and Matress in check.
Cheetah Man- Roof leaping crime fighter of Snap City. No super powers. No gadgets. Just Cheetah Man.
Buster- Gangster who fingered Dean and Mike up for the hit. Gets shot by Mike, brought back by Boffiard,
then killed again.
Alex- An uppity rookie of a cop.
Lt. Langdin- Most pointless character EVER. Gay detective who is rough around the edges. Disappears 3 fourths of the way into the movie.
Mr. Lake- Rich man who formerly funded Boffiard. Strangled with piano wire and eyes stitched shut.
Mrs. Lake- Curvy wife of Mr. Lake who cannot act. She's a dumb blond even though her hair is fake.
Marie Morisson- (aka Joe Lombard) Secretary of the 2 G-men. She plays with her bra alot. Also can't act, but she's not as bad as wig-head.
Souls can be transfered into robots and hand puppets.
If you are dead and you shoot yourself in the foot, not only will your flesh heal, but your shoe will repair itself.
Satan goes to a psychiatrist.
Gay cops are jerks.
Puppets are horrid actors.
Crystals have a heart beat.
Fire extinguishers are just lying around vacant allyways.
STUFF TO WATCH FOR
Opening credits - Sooo...is this a comic book or a movie? I was kinda hoping for a movie.
4 min 48 sec- RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A PSYCHIATRIST!
7 min 14 sec- The "perks" of Hell.
10 min 12 sec- Say it, Cheetah Man!
10 min 33 sec- Is there a doctor in the house? I mean, closet?
11 min 43 sec- No, Dean. We don't PET the blinds.
19 min- RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST ALEX!
20 min 49 sec- awww, don't cry Alex!
26 min 17 sec- RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST MIKE'S SHOE AND FOOT!
30 min 56 sec-HA! She has no idea what she just said.
46 min 3 sec- RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A DETECTIVE AGENCY FLYER!
47 min- That's a nifty foot stool.
55 min- I've never understood this part. I guess Marvin's just retarded.
69 min 48 sec- a robot from "Lost in Space"?
71 min 37 sec- RANDOM ACT OF VIOLENCE AGAINST A CORPSE'S NUTS!
78 min 13 sec- Perfect time to watch some TV.
Mike: "If I was the marrying type, I'd cheat on my wife with her."
The Devil: "Nobody understands me."
Cheetah Man: "Evil must perish!"
Langdin: "I got nothing wrong with pussies, as long as they stay out of my FACE!"
Dean: "This is it. It doesn't get any worse than this. This is the place the nuns were talking about."
Dean: "There will be plenty of time for broads later after we're in solid with the Big Guy."
Mike: "This a nice place?"
Lester: "Define 'nice'."
Mike: "Would I wanna do your mom in it?"
Mike: "Times up, leopard boy. What do you know?"
Cheetah Man: "...I'm Cheetah Man."
Buster: "I'M GONNA EAT YOUR EYES OUT!"
Alrighty boys and girls, here's a little gem for ya. It's got all sorts of assorted goodies all compiled into one hell of a good film. A homicidal hand puppet, a rampaging robot, a costumed super hero, a dumb blond, and even The Devil himself!
It all starts with Dean and Mike (2 tough federal agents who have been taking bribes from gangster, Buster Loyd,) getting picked off in a drive by shooting. Both go right to Hell. Then a car bomb that was meant for Dean kills Dean's wife and daughter. Both go to Heaven. Later, during Satan's therapy session, the g-men plot their escape. The Devil leaves and goes over to his cupboard, takes out a crystal, and is teliported somewhere. Then Dean and Mike sneak over and grab another crystal. Weenie Man confronts them, and they make short work of him. Mike hesitates to leave for a sec, but then after seeing some men in drag do an erotic dance he's ready to get out of there.
The g-men escape Hell, and are teliported into Mrs. Lake's tub, which is full. She spots them and tells them to get out. I think if I saw two fully clothed grown men that I didn't know sitting in my bathtub, I'd do a bit more then calmly say "What the hell are you doing in my tub?" but hey, she wears golden retriever pelt on her head so I guess you can't blame her. Cheetah Man sees them leave her apartment, and decides to keep an eye on them. After they leave, they go over to Buster's place to literally hit him up for some cash. Oh, and to kill him. Dr. Boffiard, who is in the closet, sees the whole thing. Meanwhile, Weenie man rats on the g-men to Satan. Satan sends Weenie Man to retrieve them.
Back on Earth, Buster's crime scene is being investigated. Enter Lt. Langdon. An intimidating homosexual cop who is assigned to work with the commissioner's nephew, Alex. They don't really get along. Oh, and don't get too attached to Langdon, because he's pretty useless. He dissapears before the big showdown at the end of the movie. They don't find Buster's body, because Boffiard takes it for his experiments.
The Doc freaks out and goes to tell his funder, Mr. Lake, about Buster murder. Lake is uninterested and cuts off Boffiard's funding. Boffiard is not having a good day. He goes to his lab assistants, who is a hand puppet named "Pete" and some dumb oaf that Pete sort of controls named "Marvin". Meanwhile, Mike and Dean set up their good deed business so they can get into Heaven. They hire a secretary, Marie, and they get their first customer, Mrs. Lake. She says that her husband is trying to kill her. The G-men take the job and investigate.
Back at the Lake mansion, Mr. Lake get a nasty killing done to him by some nut with a paper bag on his head. Later that same night, Mike and Dean pay a visit to the mansion to ask Lake a few questions. First they rough up the butler, mistaking him for Mr. Lake. After they realize their mistake, they go upstairs only to find Lake's corpse with no toenails, his eyes stitched shut, and neck and legs bleeding. They see Cheetah Man across the room. Mike shoots at him, but he escapes thru the window. The butler walks in and sees the g-men there with the body, and shoots at them. They follow suit and go thru the window.
Meanwhile, the Doc transfers Busters soul into a pink robot. Buster leaves the lab and goes to look for Mike and Dean. He finds them and it looks like the end for the g-men until Cheetah Man drops a micro-wave on Buster's head. "Evil must perish!" The two run off, only to find The Devil waiting for them around the corner. He wants them back in Hell, they say no way, so they cut a deal. They bring Satan's crystal back to him in 46 hours, and they can stay. If they fail, it's 10,000 years of excruciating torture. At the lab, Boffiard repairs Buster.
The next day, Mrs. Lake is questioned about her husband's murder by Langdon and his side kick. At the funeral, they run into Dean and Mike and question them. Later on, Dean and Mike go back to the cemetery to visit Dean's wife and kid's grave. Dean gets really depressed and gets drunk. After Mike knocks some sense into him, they see Pete and Marvin digging up Mr. Lake's grave. They make off with the body, and the g-men follow them to Boffiard's lab. Back at the g-men's office, Weenie Man steals their crystal, making it difficult to give back to The Devil. Mike and Dean bust into the lab to arrest the lot of them when Buster comes back (again) for revenge (again). Despite Boffiard's protest, They rumble in the lab, destroying lots of equipment. It's actually quite fun watching the doc flip out. It ends with them throwing robo-Buster into a vat of acid and he melts. They go back to the office to find that they've been robbed. They also find Cheetah Man snooping around. They tie him up and interrogate him about Lake's murder. The interrogation is cut short when the landlord busts in about some money issues and starts throwing around furniture. The g-men get out of there and hunt down the Weenie Man who has been posing as a priest. Weenie Man swallows the crystal so they freeze him with a fire extinguisher.
They tie Weenie to the roof of their car and they high tail it to the church to meet everyone involving the case, including Satan. After a process of eliminating the suspects, (Mrs. Lake, Dr. Boffiard, Cheetah Man, the butler, yadda yadda yadda) they get to the real murderer, Pete. (with the assistance of Marvin). It's soon realized that Pete's soul isn't in the puppet anymore. Pete walks in wearing Mr. Lake's body. He tells them the whole story, and he gets arrested. After a struggle and a slight hostage situation, Satan pops in and ends the squabble by sending Pete to Hell. Getting impatient, Satan demands the return of his crystal. The g-men finger weenie. Satan grabs it right out of his stomach (ouchie) and leaves. The G-men are free again to do good deeds on Earth.
Defiantly a must for the lovers of the bizarre and deranged. I mean, there's just so much to it. If you haven't yet rewarded yourself with this priceless piece of bad cinema, I suggest you do so A.S.A.P. Totally worth the ten bucks at Barnes and Noble.
EVIL MUST PERISH!