Alien 3000 (aka Unseen Evil 2)
Lions Gate, 2004
Kate- Sole survivor from the first Unseen Evil. Constantly having nightmares about the Alien killing people.
Scott McCool- Nice Guy commando and leader of the mercenaries sent to kill the Alien. Lamely beheaded.
Penelope- Mega-b***h girlfriend of Burke. Blown up.
Burke- Penelope's jerk-hole boyfriend. The two are looking to steal some gold that the Alien is guarding. Sent over a cliff to his death.
OPI Agents- Two agents of the something-starting-with-O of Paranormal Investigation, a white chick and a black guy. Both are killed, the latter by Penelope and Burke.
Some Other Mercs- One or two other mercenaries sent to kill the Alien. Disemboweled.
The Alien- An invisible critter guarding a fortune of gold. Seems to have an invincibility cheat active, until decapitated by Kate.
Biggs- Lorenzo Lamas! OPI agent who comes to hunt down the Alien, but is cut in half instead.
Wow. I've seen some stupid movies, but this... Wow. Just wow. This film is nearly the very definition of stupid. Alien 3000 is a direct sequel to another crapfest called Unseen Evil. However, the Alien looks completely differant and Kate is obviously played by a differant actress. Let's not forget about how the Alien seems to have opened the Cheat Menu and inputed L2 L1 X X O L2 for invincibility. Oh, and did I mention that paintball guns can render invisible entities visible? Plus, Matchbox helicopters and cardboard buildings are commonplace here, alongside bad CGI.
Some horny kids find the Alien's desert cave, along with his gold. He kills them while shapeshifting from the crab monster from the first film into the goofy bug-man we're stuck with in this mess. Meanwhile at a nearby funny farm, Kate is having nightmares depicting these events. Then some soldiers find the Alien's hideout and are killed too, and Kate also sees this in a nightmare. Then the OPI Agents pay her a visit.
Meanwhile, Biggs and his buddy are taking a giant toy helicopter big enough for them to fit into for a spin around the Alien's cave. Their groudbound buddy is seen flying through the air spouting fake blood. Biggs and buddy get out of there. Cut back to Kate, who's decided she'd like to face the Alien and agrees to let the OPI Agents take her to the dustbowl the creature resides near. The Mercenaries who are being dispatched to eliminate ET the Evil Terror are introduced: McCool, Penelope and Burke, and some dude who likes paintball guns. They find the Alien's cave with Kate's help and Penlope and Burke hatch a plan to steal it.
For the next half-hour, people talk alot, Penelope kills the black guy OPI Agent and blames it on the Alien, and back at OPI Headquarters, another Alien raises hell, telling Biggs and friend that more aliens would be coming soon, and that their race eats gold to survive, right before Biggs blows it up, as well as the entire cardboard building. Wait, how did they survive that? Back at the desert, the other Alien finally makes his presence known by disemboweling the Paintball Guy. It attacks again a few minutes later, this time with Kate as monster bait. Everyone shoots it dozens-upon-dozens of times to no effect, even though green blood flies everywhere with each shot. They also shoot the Alien with the paintball gun, rendering it visible.
Biggs and buddy come to save the day, but the Alien jumps onto their Matchbox helicopter, causing it to crash. Somehow, everyone survives this, including the Alien, except for the female OPI Agent. More walking and talking happens for a while more until the Alien kills McCool, Biggs, and buddy. Kate, Burke, and Penelope find the jeep they came in and hightail out of there, but the Alien follows them.
So our motley crew is being chased through the desert by the Alien, taking potshots back at him every once in a while, before the gold, which Burke and Penelope managed to snatch, falls off the jeep, and Kate and Penelope go and get it, while Burke is attacked by the Alien and drives off a cliff. The Alien then attacks and kills Penelope, who blows herself up, making the creature weak enough for Kate to finish off with a golden sword. A random guy finds Kate and then some UFOs carrying more Aliens show up. The end.
Things I Learned
-Some women find certain doom funny.
-Alien crabs grow up to be beetle-men.
-Mercenaries are allowed to bring personal possessions on missions with them.
-Paintball guns render the invisible visible.
-Some women are turned on by wealth.
-Only swords can kill aliens. Hails of bullets and massive explosions only stun them.
Things To Look For
1 min- GRATITIOUS BREAST SHOT!
3 min- The Alien just completely changed form, and is now able to set the ground it walks upon on fire, something it never does again.
11 mins- WHEEEE!
14 mins- Notice how that building is quite obviously made of cardboard.
21 mins- GRATITIOUS SEX SCENE!
31 mins- RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE AGAINST THE IRRITABLE BLACK GUY!
39 mins- Boo. I'm an Alien. My friends are going to come and destroy your race. Please, put the grenade away.
43 mins- Finally, the Alien comes back.
59 mins- PEEK-A-BOO! I GOT YOUR HEAD!
62 mins- Bad puns. Woo-hoo, I'm having so much fu-Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
74 mins- Alien sword fight!
80 mins- A highspeed chase. Boo-yah, grandma. I'd be more excited if the effects were better.
89 mins- ANOTHER alien sword fight! There's two alien sword fights! That's awesome! So why is this movie so lame?
94 mins- I hope this doesn't mean there's going to be Unseen Evil 3.
Burke: "AT LEAST I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME! YEEEEEE-HAAAAAAH!"
Penelope: "Time to bag us a bogeyman!"
Horny Guy: "I was just... looking at some jackrabbits... Over there!"
Kate: "You have to put the gold back! It'll kill us all if you don't!"