Weasels Rip My Flesh

[Andrew]

This was a painful surprise, which I brought upon myself by purchasing a movie based on its title.  It is a grade Z film, obviously made by a small group of people, with little preparation and limited equipment.  If I had to guess, it was shot on 8mm film.

I usually do not harp on picture quality, but this film deserves it.  It is of lower quality than many amateur films I have seen that were shot on VHS or other formats intended to record grainy images of birthday parties, graduations, or school sporting events.  Focus was often a problem and the composition of some scenes is impossible to understand.  I spent probably a full minute watching a ringing telephone

The story starts with a model rocket on Venus, though you do not find out it was Venus until thirty minutes later.  Using a cosmetic tool (the sort of thing women used to tease their eyelashes, I think), the rocket collects a sample of what appears to be lemon custard pie filling.  As a gooey slime effect, it was not a bad attempt.  Probably the best thing they did with the whole film.  They know this, because they use it a few more time.

The rocket crashes upon its return to Earth.  This was achieved, I kid you not, by a short cut with someone moving the rocket around as they pitched the camera forward toward some water with reeds.  As I have said about the movie, it is very poorly done.  This applies to nearly everything about the film.

Two boys find some canisters from the wreckage while exploring a reedy area.  One of the boys is suddenly bitten on the ankle, apparently by a weasel that quickly scampers down a hole and falls asleep.  Not one to let a mean animal go unpunished, the older boy uncaps a canister and pours the contents into the hole.

What results is a huge mutated weasel.  At least, that is what it is supposed to be.  What it looks like is a stuffed animal that has been deep fried (or maybe covered with funnel cake mixture).  It kills both of the boys before being struck by a car and losing a limb.  The man who hit it wraps the severed appendage in a white fitted sheet he had in his trunk.  Do a lot of people keep white fitted sheets in their trunk?

The limb appears to be a separate living thing.  Back at the guy's house, it attacks his friend and gives him rabies.  The instantly rabid man kills the other guy.

Now, complete change.  Nothing that you have seen before this has any bearing, except that there is a mutated weasel.  We meet, um, some guy.  He might be a cop or private investigator.  He is supposed to be very cool, based on his moustache, sunglasses, and constant small cigar smoking.

Cool guy and his partner are captured by a mad scientist who looks a bit like Ron Jeremy.  Dr. Jeremy takes them to his lab, which is accessed by climbing in through a basement window.  From here on, most of the movie will take place in the basement or garage.  You can see the garage door opener rails in at least one scene.

Mad scientist captured the weasel and wants to utilize its regenerative powers to create a serum for eternal life.  Actually, that is what I figure.  He did ramble on for a while, but what I just told you is a far more cohesive picture than comes out on the screen.  The doctor drugs both of his captives and injects the partner with blood from the weasel.  Meanwhile, cool detective guy wakes up and burns the ropes off of his wrists with a cigar (he is also bound with chain from a hanging plant pot, but that appears to be ineffective).  The scientist hits cool detective in the face with a garden rake, causing superficial wounds.  The scientist is shot in return and stumbles back to the lab.  Pretty soon, both the mutated partner (his head looks like it was covered in funnel cake) and the weasel are loose.

Dr. Jeremy loses an arm to, I believe, the weasel.  He stumbles off into the reeds with the detective in pursuit.  The missing arm is accomplished by tucking it into his shirt.  Now, the shirt was a button down the front type and rather tight.  As a result, you can see the arm through the bulging area around his midriff.

Eventually, the weasel attacks the detective, but he is saved by his mutated partner.  By the end of the movie, a shark (which makes bubbles in the water) comes out of nowhere to clean up the last of this mess.

I am almost certain that most of the film was made along the southern shore of Long Island, possibly Jones Beach, and at somebody's house (from what I caught in the credits, maybe in Bethpage).  I cannot image that it took them more than a week, including making the props and performing the limited editing.  It ran sixty-four minutes and, I have to tell you, after about six I was unhappy and bored.  I forced myself to watch the entire thing.

This is a skull.  In fact, if I had a flashing red skull, I would give it one of those.  Rent it if you are interested, but the effects and movie are terrible.  It is on par with many student films.  Ultra-low budget films I have reviewed, such as "Jacker II" and "The Curse of Count Chocula" are more worthwhile efforts.  It is barely something I can call a movie.

[Ash]

Thanks for the warning.

As for that red skull warning...
I think it's a great idea!

You should revise your reviews to include Red Skulls.   

[raj]

Wow.  Thanks for taking one for the team.  Sounds like a ballet school movie would be better.

And I say yes to the red flaming skulls, too.

[CheezeFlixz]

So I'm taking it from your review you do not feel like you got your monies worth out of this one?

Why oh why do they release films like this on DVD and not The Giant Claw? Well thanks now I'm curious and will have to see it even though it stinks, but at least I'll know not to invest in it.

A red skull gif should be to hard to get, give me some time and I'll try to make on tonight.

[Poogie]

   I loved the review...Is there any way to get some sticker "red flaming skulls" so I can go to our Blockbuster video store and start sticking before Dennis gets there ?

[Andrew]

I am thinking that some place like a Spencer's Gifts would probably carry weird stickers.  That might be a good place to stop by.

Actually, I do not want to add another level to the reviews.  In the past, I had even considered trimming the rating system from "skull - five slimes" down to "skull - three slimes" but discarded the idea.  Saying it can barely be called a movie is not a joke.

I have made most of the little graphics that the site uses (the forum theme was created by a person or group called "Bloc").  Designing the 11 by 13 pixel slime drops and skull was a pain, but I think I they turned out fine.  If I did need a red skull, I can easily do that with the source file I have for the present skull.

[Ash]

Andrew...I like your reviews...
But the banter you've provided here so far for the last few months has been cold as ice.

You need to use contractions when you speak to us.

Constantly, I see you write "I Am" or "will not" when you easily could've written "I'm" or "won't".

Contractions give you personality...

[Andrew]

My non-use of contractions came up recently when Mofo Rising proofed one of the reviews.  I think that a great deal of that comes from all the official writing I do for USMC issues.  Operational after-action reports, email correspondence, and the like.  It is all formal writing and the past year has seen me doing a lot of it.  I have tried to be conscious of it, but doing so starts to drive me nuts.

I'll try to work on this, but since I am still doing a lot of formal writing for Marine Corps stuff - it could be a hard habit to break.

In any case, a lack of contractions shouldn't make me seem "cold as ice."

[Captain Tars Tarkas]

Just because Andrew is really Data sent back in time on an undercover mission is no reason to rag on him....

[Dennis]

My non-use of contractions came up recently when Mofo Rising proofed one of the reviews.  I think that a great deal of that comes from all the official writing I do for USMC issues.  Operational after-action reports, email correspondence, and the like.  It is all formal writing and the past year has seen me doing a lot of it.  I have tried to be conscious of it, but doing so starts to drive me nuts.

I'll try to work on this, but since I am still doing a lot of formal writing for Marine Corps stuff - it could be a hard habit to break.

In any case, a lack of contractions shouldn't make me seem "cold as ice."

Bright and early one Monday morning a young man with a buzz cut came in to pick up a will call order, kept calling everyone sir, even the receptionist, my co-workers found this annoying, could not think why he was doing it or a polite way to make him stop. I asked him when he got out, he said Friday, I told him to knock off the sir stuff because around here we all work for a living, that stopped it.
 I've noticed the lack of contractions too,  I bet your reason for it is right, I'd rather you didn't use contractions here, than use some in an official report and get in trouble for it, but if and when you leave the Marine Corps, knock that stuff off. 

 Andrew, please do not give my wife any red skull stickers, I would be unable to watch another "B" movie for the rest of my life.

[Ash]

I was just giving you a hard time dude.  
I figured your non-use of contractions was due to your military experience and whatnot.

And it's funny, I also thought of Commander Data when writing that post earlier.

[Torgo]

Wonder if the makers of this cinematic wonder were Zappa fans?

[Andrew]

Whether I am an android from the future or not is irrelevant.  Besides, if I was, I would be back in 1978, to make sure Mae West passed away of "natural causes" before makiing "Sextette."

Now, where did I put that "boo/hiss" button?

[peter johnson]

Nice albumn cover -- Beautiful record, too --
peter johnson/denny crane

[zombiedudeman]

yeah Nathan Schiff's stuff is z-grade trash cinema, you'll either love it or hate it, I've never seen reviews that are in between. Haven't seen Weasels myself yet but Long Island Cannibal Massacre and They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore I have, I love his tacky no-budget gore. I must be the only Schiff fan here