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Kooshmeister
The King of Koosh!
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Must have caffeine...


« on: January 11, 2007, 04:18:52 PM »

Sometimes I amaze myself with how quickly I can crank these things out. This is another one in the vein of Cat's Eye and King Kong, so those of you who dislike long-winded, spoiler-heavy recaps are advised to steer clear.

Name of the Movie: King Kong Lives (1986)
Rated: PG-13
Rating: 2 slimes

Characters:
Dr. Amy Franklin - Linda Hamilton! A brilliant heart surgeon employed by the "Atlantic Institute," specially trained to operate on fifty-foot gorillas.
Hank Mitchell - Brian Kerwin! Blonde jungle explorer type, supposedly an adventurer but tends to get his ass kicked really easily.
Colonel Nevitt - John Ashton! The obligatory insane army guy. Hammered into the ground by Kong's fist.
Dr. Benson Hughes - Primatologist. Of course, Amy knows more about apes than him despite being a surgeon.
Dr. Andrew Ingersoll - The guy in charge of the Institute.
Major Peete - Nevitt's longsuffering second-in-command.
Vance and the Hunters - A mean hillbilly and his crew of boozed-up sadistic morons. They go after Kong and quickly wish they didn't. Killed in a variety of fun ways.
Lady Kong - A female version of Kong, more or less. We can tell she's female because she's got an enormous rack.
King Kong - The title of this movie is a little misleading. Kong does not, in fact, live. Rather, he dies when his artificial heart gives out.

Well, by now it ought to be common knowledge around the bad movie fandom that I not only like the 1976 remake of King Kong, but also make it my business to stick up for it whenever I can.  I honestly believe it's not as bad as everyone says it is, and that it deserves a break. Peter Jackson's Kong has, in a roundabout way, allowed for this to happen, since after his hit theaters and subsequently DVD, I've noticed, with immense delight, that it has made people look back on the '76 film and have second thoughts, with many even admitting it's actually not a half-bad film.

Now, having said that, I have to say that 1986's King Kong Lives, the sequel to the '76 film, deserves no such second chance. Yes, you read right. Everything everyone has ever said about this movie is absolutely, 100% true. It is corny as hell throughout, ludicrously plotted, and, with the exception of a handful of brief bits, really poorly executed. Ironically, I first saw King Kong Lives, as a kid, before I saw its predecessor. And would you believe I absolutely loved it? For kids, the movie is fine, but as I grew older it's one of those movies that upon rewatching it, I've realized what utter crap it is. And yet, it's still a lot of fun to watch for some bizarre reason.

But anyway, long story short, unlike my review of King Kong '76, I'm not here to defend King Kong Lives. Not in the least. Because as noted, it's just as awful as everyone says it is.

The movie actually begins with clips from the finale of the first film, which, I must confess, confused the hell outta me as a kid since as I said I saw this one first, so I had no idea who Dwan and Jack Prescott were and why they never appeared again in the rest of the movie. Anyway we see Kong fighting off the army helicopters as Dwan and Jack look on helplessly, and, ultimately, Kong is subdued and falls off of the World Trade Center. Upon getting down to street level, Dwan comes over to him, crying, and Kong turns and looks at her, and she's the last thing he sees before he dies and whatnot... or does he?

Yes, folks, this film is asking you to believe that Kong somehow survived the events of the first movie despite the obvious fact his heart stopped beating. Cut to ten years later. I really wish I knew why it took them so long to make this sequel. Contrary to popular belief, King Kong '76 was a smash success at the box office, so a sequel should've been the first thing on Paramount's mind. Instead, Dino De Laurentiis and John Guillermin waited ten freakin' years before making their sequel. But ten years later it is, and we learn that Kong survived both the battle with the helicopters and the fall from the Trade Center, and is now being kept on life-support in a huge, custom-made operating room at a place identified in subtitle as the Atlanta Institute, although for some reason all the characters call it the Atlantic Institute.

Here, we meet Dr. Amy Franklin, played by a surely by-now embarrassed Linda Hamilton of all people. She's supervising all the various doctors and technicians needed to monitor Kong's life support, and even stops by to check up on the progress of the construction of what appears to be an artificial heart the size of a Buick. That accomplished, she goes up into the control room that overlooks the O.R. and confers with two of her colleagues, Dr. Benson Hughes and Dr. Andrew Ingersoll. Benson "Ben" Hughes is a tall, grey-haired primatologist but will prove to know dick about apes compared to Amy's all-trumping infinite knowledge of pretty much everything; Ingersoll meanwhile is the man in charge of the Institute and looks like Mr. Drysdale from the Beverly Hillbillies movie.

Amy tells them "I'm sorry," prompting an angry Ingersoll to complain about how much money it cost the Institute to build that artificial heart we just saw. Now, apparently, it took them ten years to design and build the heart, and in that timespan Kong's blood volume has "deteriorated" while he's been languishing on life support. I'm no doctor but I have to cry bulls**t here. How can the blood volume "deteriorate?" Amy says if the heart had been ready ten years ago she could've operated on Kong, but now, without a transfusion, if they cut into him, he'll die of bloodloss. She then adds, sagely, that only one thing can save poor Kong now, and when Ben asks her what that is, she whispers dramatically, "A miracle!"

Cut to the wilds of Borneo. Here, we're introduced to hunky blonde soldier of fortune Hank Mitchell, leading a pack of donkeys through the jungle. Many people, including other characters in this very film, have compared Hank to Indiana Jones, but personally I think he's a lot more like Michael Douglas' character Jack Colton from Romancing the Stone. Anyway, since it's so hot and they've been travelling for such a long time, Hank decides it's time for a pit stop. Tying up his donkeys, he goes and flops down in some bushes for a nap, only to discover he's laying on a giant outstretched hand that turns out to belong to a giant gorilla the same size as Kong!

Unlike Kong, though, this gorilla has reddish-brown fur and a pair of enormous boobs so we can tell it's meant to be a female. She proceeds to chase Hank for some reason, but is stopped when a bunch of natives appear literally out of nowhere and shoot her full of poison-tipped blowdarts, causing her to topple over unconscious. Where did these guys come from? We'll never know. Hank obviously didn't bring them with him, but they do nothing to harm him and in fact saved his life, so obviously they're friendly. Oh well. They're not important anyway.

Back at the Institute, Amy bursts into a conferance room where Ben, Ingersoll, and a few other doctors are on the phone with Hank down in Borneo. Hank, we see, is in the village of those natives on a CB radio. Apparently, he wishes to sell the gorilla they just captured to the Institute, and says his "staff" is "fielding offers" even as they speak, so he can have more bargaining power with Ingersoll. My question is how exactly did the two get in touch with one another? Did the Institute put an ad in the paper asking for a giant ape? Or did Hank's find make the news, and Ingersoll saw it, and that prompted him to reach out to him? This kind of information isn't entirely necessary for the flow of the story, but it would help.

Ingersoll tells Hank that they need the blood for a transfusion, but Hank retorts that he "ain't sellin' blood, Doc, I'm sellin' the whole damn monkey." When Ingersoll says they need the ape ASAP and can negotiate later, he refers to it as a him, prompting Hank to correct him: "My ape ain't a him, it's a her." Now, apparently they've got Hank on speakerphone despite the fact Ingersoll is talking into the receiver, and everyone in the room hears this. Ben takes the receiver and asks him if he said "his beast" is a female. Upon being told yes, Amy bristles, and says they can't have a female. She reveals that, basically, she's worried that if Kong gets too horny while he's recuperating, the results could be disastrous.

This is the first example of Amy shooting herself in the foot, so to speak. She knows they need the blood for a transfusion, but is ready to turn Hank down based solely on the possibility that something might go wrong, which would effectively doom Kong. Luckily for Kong, Hank interjects on his end and says he's got Harvard on the other line, which is a blatant lie, so Amy advises Ingersoll to "get the blood, but let someone else have the female."

Ben tells Amy she's exaggerating the danger, and then Hank threatens to sell his ape to Disneyland of all places, and suddenly another doctor at the table pipes up and says if the operation fails, some other university will then have the world's only living giant ape specimen. Amy scowls and shakes her head no, but then Ingersoll decides to exercise his authority and agree to Hank's proposal. They'll buy the female from him, blood and all.

Cut to the airport at night sometime later, where a cargo plane carrying both Hank and the female gorilla are met by a huge crowd including Amy, Ben, Ingersoll, and several reporters. We see a flatbed truck pull up with giant manacles on it, obivously this is how they're planning to get the ape out to the Institute. All of this acitivity is scaring the female, who is tied down in the back of the plane, and Hank, dressed in safari gear for the press, tries to calm her down, prompting one of the plane crewmen to warn Hank that he better watch out, as "the little lady" appears to have a crush on him, and, indeed, the female seems to act a lot calmer in Hank's presence and smile at him (!). So I guess when she was chasing him back in Borneo earlier, she wanted to give him a hug or something.

Emerging from the plane, Hank is greeted by the swarm of reporters who ask him a lot of stupid questions like how he caught her and if he plans on breeding her, and the answers to those questions are supposed to be humorous: "I left a trail of bananas" and "You mean personally?" Ingersoll pushes his way to the front of the crowd and introduces himself. Looking at Hank, Amy says, as an aside to Ben, that he must've gotten his hat at "Camp Beverly Hills," while a woman next to her says she thinks Hank is cute.

Cut back to Hank and Ingersoll, with the latter telling the reporters that "this acquisition" establishes beyond question the "Atlantic Institute's" scientific preeminence. So what's Kong? Chopped liver? Ingersoll then introduces Hank to Amy, who regards him a little coldly for some reason. Oh yeah, they are so gonna end up falling in love.

Suddenly hearing offscreen roaring, everyone turns to see that a few of the news cameramen have gotten aboard the plane and are pestering the female, who, we learn, Hank has decided to name "Lady Kong." Hank chases the vultures off, and yells at them, "Just take it easy! You are dealing with a lady!" He then tells them that they're going to get what they want from Lady Kong, before shooting a dirty look at Amy and adding, "All of ya."

Cut to the big O.R. at the Institute, which leads us into the oft-lamented surgery sequence, beginning with the doctors drawing some of Lady Kong's blood as she lies strapped to a giant-size operation table. The blood then ends up inside of a giant IV bag the size of a trashcan, with a hose-size tube hooked up to the comatose Kong as Amy and the other doctors begin operating. Hank, Ben, Ingersoll, and the press look on from the control room.

Hank complains to Ben that they're sending a fortune on Kong's needs, but are just ignoring Lady Kong now that they've got her blood, having stuck her in "a crummy warehouse." Ben assures him that they're building a permenent facility for her ten miles from the Institute, and that it'll be ready in just a few weeks. This seems to placate Hank, since he quits complaining.

The giant artificial heart is brought in on a crane as Amy and the other doctors ascend to a scaffold located just above Kong's chest. Using a hand-operated circular saw the size of a weed-whacker, they cut into Kong's chest, and much work is done using hoses, big cutting tools, giant Q-tips, and other oversized surgical tools, before a gigantic claw on the end of a cable bomes down and pulls Kong's defunct heart from the hole in his chest. This sequence is quite gross and bloody, in my opinion, but hey, it's a surgery scene, and they can get messy. There's a bit of an emergency when the crane bringing the artificial heart in malfunctions and almost drops it, and then the main clamp staunching the bleeding from the incision breaks free, forcing the surgical team to scramble to remedy the problem.

But, if they didn't, then we wouldn't have much of a movie, so needless to say, Amy and her colleagues successfully tie off the misbehaving blood vessel and then get the artificial heart into Kong and all hooked up, then sew 'im up.
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Kooshmeister
The King of Koosh!
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Must have caffeine...


« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2007, 04:25:37 PM »

Cut to the next day. The faculty and students of the Institute are celebrating, many of them dressed in gorilla costumes, getting drunk and waving around signs that say things like "Kute, Kuddly, Kissable Kong!" and "You Kong, Me Fay," as a reporter, covering the madness, says that "this prestigious institute, long a rival of Harvard and Yale," has suddenly found itself in the grip of "Kong mania." "The place has literally gone bananas!"

Cut, then, to this same reporter (in a different suit for some reason) outside the aforementioned warehouse where Lady Kong is being kept. He says it's been converted into the world's largest lady's dressing room. Someone, shoot this man, please. He's worse than the reporter from Gorgo.

Cut to a party at Ingersoll's house. Hank is explaining to some ladies that he thinks Kong Island (the island from the first movie is finally given a name) and Borneo used to be part of the same landmass millions of years ago, which is dubious to say the least, when Ingersoll and Ben come up to him. He asks where Amy is, and is told she's back at the O.R. still monitoring Kong and seeing how he's doing post-op.

We then cut to her sleeping in the control room while other doctors are doing the actual monitoring. Oy. Kong wakes up, causing the heart monitors to start beeping, and the guy watching them wakes Amy up. Seeing Kong is awake, she tells him "Hello, Kong. Welcome back." Kong does more than just wake up. He starts ripping tubes and wires out of himself and stands up, and begins trying to jump up and reach the huge skylight located above the operating table. One of the other doctors says he smells "the female," and, sure enough, in her warehouse enclosure, Lady Kong smells her would-be boyfriend as well. Since he's still got the sedative feed hooked up, Amy cranks up the sleepyjuice flow and sends Kong back into la-la land.

That accomplished, she drives out to Ingersoll's house in her rad 4X4 pickup truck and confronts her boss about Kong's condition, more less telling him "I told ya so!" and warning him that even with the warehouse containing Lady Kong is a mile away from the O.R. Kong can still smell her. Hank says, "So what? It'll give 'im something to get well for." Amy puts him down by saying he's only in this for the money, and tells Ingersoll that Lady Kong has got to be moved stat. Although the aforementioned permanent quarters aren't ready yet, Amy tells Ben to push and get them finished ahead of schedule. Ben says he can get it done in two days, if they work nonstop.

This seems to satisfy Amy, who leaves the party with Hank following her. He tells her she needs to take a break and offers to drive her home in her truck, but she no-sells and leaves by herself. Luckily, though, before she leaves he apologizes for his off-color remark inside, and Amy tells him it's okay.

At the warehouse, Amy, Hank, Ingersoll, and Ben are overseeing the preparations for moving Lady Kong, who for the remainder of the recap I'm going to call Kongette. Their plan to transport her is to get her entangled in some nets on cranes, a method that so far hasn't met with success. They've tried to knock her out with doped-up food, but she is clearly agitated as the cranes close in on her. Ingersoll says he wants her en route to the new enclosure within the hour, but Hank protests, complaining that the nets are going to somehow "cut her to pieces."

The chief security guard says they should shoot her with a tranquilizer gun, but Amy refuses. "I'm not shooting her," she says, telling the guard that the "the food's enough." "Not if she won't eat it all!" he says. And he's got a point. Here is another example of Amy shooting herself in the foot. She wants Kongette moved, ASAP, ahead of schedule, but refuses to do anything to ensure that the procedure won't be traumatic for her. This is supposed to make Ingersoll et al look bad, but all it really does it make Amy look self-righteous, uncooperative, and above all else, stupid.

Meanwhile, back in the Kong-sized O.R., Kong awakens to the sound of Kongette's cries. For some reason there's only a single guy guarding him, and when Kong begins breaking free of his restrains and yanking tubes and wires out of himself again, this idiot tries to call Ingersoll with his walkie-talkie, only to discover that for plot convenience, it is malfunctioning. Thus he is unable to warn anyone of Kong's newly-found consciousness and they will remain unaware of it until he busts into Kongette's enclosure. After extracting all of the bothersome wires from himself, Kong jumps up and exits the building by smashing through the skylight and climbing out through it. He then rather hurriedly crosses the mile between the two buildings, and everyone turns to as he begins smashing through the wall, just when they've managed to get Kongette entangled in the net finally.

This leads us into the film's first big action sequence. Kong and Kongette's eyes meet and it's love at first sight. With a roar, Kong enters the warehouse and chaos ensues as workers and security guards scurry to avoid being stepped on. Also, for some reason, the warehouse interior is filled with all manner of vehicles: trucks, cars, bulldozers, even a military truck with a mounted machine gun manned by some SWAT guys.

Kong kicks one pickup and sends it flying, then steps on another while there's clearly someone inside it, his first killing in the film, and he reaches Kongette and begins ripping apart the net to free her. He then pushes one of the cranes aside, causing it to knock over a parked blue car which for some reason proceeds to explode. Once he's got his girlfriend freed from the net, he and Kongette spend a lengthy moment staring lovingly into one another's eyes and smiling.

The chief guard puts a stop to this by ordering the five or six bulldozers to "take 'im down!" The dozers start driving towards Kong, and here, Hank shows us his hero creds by jumping onto the lead dozer and kicking the driver out (!). What the hell? Why, Hank, why? Kong has already destroyed a buttload of vehicles and equipment since escaping and killed at least one perfectly innocent worker by squashing the truck he was in, so I don't get why Hank is putting Kong's safety above that of the humans who are still alive.

Anyway like I said he kicks the dude out, and then jumps off as the driverless dozer crashes into another parked pickup. Jeez, Hank, couldn't you at least have, like, taken control of the bulldozer and stopped it yourself, instead of allowing it to crash thus causing more damage? And naturally, a swell of heroic music accompanies Hank's act here.

It's also worth mentioning that I have no idea what the hell Hank thought he was going to accomplish here, since there's more than one bulldozer and him taking out the driver of only one ends up making no difference whatsoever, as another of the dozers succeeds in ramming into Kong's leg. Kong responds to this by grabbing the bulldozer and throwing it violently aside, whereupon it explodes. And since we never see the driver get out, that's death #2 for Kong here.

Those SWAT guys finally make a move to do something with the weapons they've got, but Hank takes them out of the equation by ramming into their truck with a jeep, to another swell of heroic music. Thus, Kong and Kongette leave the warehouse, and anybody they kill or any damage they cause from this point onward can be squarely blamed on Hank, due to him blocking almost every attempt made to stop them.

Ingersoll seems to share my sentiments. He grabs Hank, yelling, "Ignorant bastard! We could've stopped him!" Hank grabs him right back and replies, "Stopped him? You would've killed him!" Uh, I think that's the idea Hank, you dips**t, especially since he already killed at least two guys.
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Kooshmeister
The King of Koosh!
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Must have caffeine...


« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2007, 04:31:25 PM »

Cut to the next day. Hank is driving along in his rented car, listening to the radio to a broadcast informing him that an army taskforce under the command of one Colonel Archie Nevitt has been called in to deal with the apes, and set up a fifty-mile perimeter to contain them. Suddenly Amy pulls up alongside Hank in her pickup, honking her horn and yelling for him to pull over. Bewildered, he doesn't comply, so she forces him off the road and into a ditch. Her reason for doing this? She just wanted to tell him that she's going the "same place you are," which is after the apes.

Okay, that's it. That's freaking it. From now on, I'm calling Amy "Mary Sue" and Hank "Gary Stu." I don't usually do this. If a character has a name, I usually call them by that name, but Amy and Hank are both seriously rubbing me the wrong way here with their self-righteousness and reackless, irresponsible designated hero antics.

Gary Stu says there's a battalion of infantry in the hills, and wonders just how far she thinks she's gonna get, but Mary Sue more or less points out that his "rent-a-wreck" isn't designed for offroad travel, but hers is, so she tells him to get into her truck. After retrieving his backpack from his car, he complies, and they drive on. During the trip, Mary Sue says that she heard that Colonel Nevitt is a real whackjob and will shoot the first civilian that crosses his perimeter.

Sure enough, when she 'n' Gary Stu arrive at a roadblock they are immediately fired upon by the handful of soldiers manning it. Mary Sue swerves offroad and drives into the woods with the soldiers in hot pursuit, but she soon loses them in the brush thanks to her mad drivin' skillz. "I could've used you in Borneo," says Gary Stu, hanging on for dear life, "if I'd wanted an early death!" Soon they find the sorry excuse for a dirt road blocked by a fallen log, so Amy stops the truck and she and Gary Stu get out.

We see that Mary Sue has with her a silver metallic case of some kind, which she stuffs into her backpack. Gary Stu asks if it's her makeup kit, and instead of slapping him, she replies that it's actually a "cardiac monitoring unit for Kong's heart," with remote inputs linked to microprocessors in his artificial ticker. If something goes wrong with the heart, she can use the device to set it right. She 'n' Hank set off into the woods.

We then cut ahead to where the army is massing, and we're introduced to Colonel Nevitt. An arrogant, swaggering jerk wearing a red beret, pilot glasses, and a cigar clamped between his teeth, Nevitt is a walking stereotype, but he'll soon give new meaning to the term "psycho army guy." And as the movie's human villain, he's a joke. In the first movie, Petrox exec Fred Wilson wasn't evil, just a greedy, stupid idiot; Colonel Nevitt, here in this film, is a complete and utter bloodthirsty wacko for no reason whatsoever.

He asks his second-in-command, Major Peete, about "those damn civilians" who broke through the blockade. Peete replies that they've traced the vehicle and discovered it's registed to Dr. Amy Franklin, "the doctor who, uh, operated on Kong." Nevitt reveals he plans to use knockout gas against the apes, and describes them to his assembled men thusly: "Well, we should have no problem identifying the enemy. They're approximately fifty feet tall and wearin' their birthday suits."

Cut to Kong and Kongette kicking back in a clearing which a sign identifies as Honeymoon Ridge. Here we get a rather lengthy sequence of them in courtship, if giant apes courted one another like a couple of horny teenagers. Kong uproots a tree and offers it to Kongette like a bouqet, but she finds her own, much to his annoyance. He tries to offer her a snake to eat (more on this in a while) only to have her turn her nose up in disgust at it. The snake, by the way, is the first example of some serious scale problems with the miniatures. Failing that, Kong remembers that he just got rammed in the knee by a bulldozer earlier, so he plays up that injury, moaning and groaning as though he's in extreme pain, and this works. Kongette comes over and begins tending to his wound, and Kong actually smirks and cozies up to her.

Elsewhere, we catch up to Mary Sue and Gary Stu, crossing a rickety-looking wooden bridge over a raging waterfall. Mary Sue slips, but Hank manages to grab her arm and save her, although they almost lose the Makeup Kit of Plot Importance (a.k.a. the cardiac monitoring doohicky). Or, at least, Amy seems to think so. Even though Gary Stu sets it down safely on a stable part of the bridge when he grabs her, Mary Sue yells for him to save it or something. Anyway he pulls her up, and then the two run and hide from a patrolling helicopter.

After the 'copter moves on, Amy notices a cut on Hank's arm, and even though he wants to keep moving, Mary Sue insists they stay put for now while she tends to him. Awwww. And, of course, big tough adventurer Hank proves to have a remarkably low threshhold of pain, wincing comically when Amy dabs at the cut with hydrogen peroxide. Mary Sue then decides to change out of her wet clothes offscreen, and Gary Stu hears roaring nearby and deduces that the apes are "up there, not very far."

Cut to later that night. Kong makes a bed out of uprooted pine trees for himself and Kongette, and get to snugglin' as Amy and Hank appear at the edge of the forest. Mary Sue takes out the Makeup Kit of Plot Importance and begins monitoring Kong's heartrate, discovering that amazingly, "after all that exertion," his heart is actually stronger. I'm assuming she means breaking into the warehouse and freeing his girlfriend, 'cause there's no indication thus far that Kong 'n' Kongette have made the Beast With Two Backs just yet. As Kongette begins grooming her hubby, Mary Sue comments that it looks like Hank's losing his girlfriend, yuk-yuk.

Gary Stu says that the apes could survive out here. Or in Borneo. Or on Kong Island. Yeah, yeah, they can survive anywhere as long as nobody shoots them. Anyway Hank begins putting forth the idea of buying a preserve somewhere for the gorillas to live on. Mary Sue seems to like the idea, then suggests that she and Hank find a place to camp as the gorillas settle in for the night. They quietly sneak away and pitch said camp, only to discover they only brought one sleeping bag. Gary Stu jokingly tries to make a bed out of leaves for Amy, snickering, "Hey, it worked for Kong." In the end, he gives Amy his sleeping bag, and Mary Sue invites him in to snuggle with her, and much nookie is had, or so we're led to assume from the way they instantly lock lips.

The next morning, Gary Stu awakens to discover that Kong is gone, and he alerts Amy. We then cut to Kong uprooting more trees for some unknown reason, and suddenly the army attacks poor, undefended Kongette! Helicopters fly in spraying clouds of knockout gas as Amy and Hank watch, followed by Nevitt and his troops in their jeeps and APCs, all of whom are, of course, wearing gas masks, but they take these off the second Kongette does down, despite the fact the gas cloud hasn't yet dissipated, and, of course, remain unaffected by said gas.

Nevitt gets on the radio and orders the "big bird," a very large helicopter carrying a net, to be brought in. Kong appears over the hilltop at this point, but is held back by the soldiers who fire concussion grenades at him, holding him at bay long enough for Kongette to be loaded into the net and then flown away. Kong bellows sorrowfully as he watches his sweetheart being ripped from him, and Nevitt orders the remaining 'copters to use the gas on him, too. However, for some reason, the gas doesn't affect Kong at all.

Now, two soldiers attack Kong with flamethrowers, and the big ape beats a hasty retreat. Nevitt orders a pursuit. Mary Sue and Gary Stu swipe a curiously unguarded, empty jeep and follow them. Trying to escape from the pursuing army, Kong begins climbing up a rocky mountainside, and Nevitt's troops, with their jeeps and tanks and whatnot, can't follow, so Nevitt tells the 'copters to land some guys on the other side of the mountain, to box Kong in. By now a huge storm is brewing, with high winds kicking up and blowing leaves around dramatically, lightning flashing in the sky, etc. It's all very dramatic, and one of the few genuinely exciting scenes in the film.

Kong, reaching the top of the mountain, grabs a boulder and hurls it down at the soldiers, crushing a jeep. Mary Sue 'n' Gary Stu drive their purloined jeep around, although I'm not sure what exactly they're aiming to do. Major Peete and some soldiers quickly apprehend them and bring them before Nevitt, who gives the order to his men to "Kill that hairy son of a b***h now!" Kong now finds himself effectively trapped on the mountain, surrounded by both the army as well as a raging river flowing through a deep canyon.

Mary Sue pleads with Nevitt not to kill Kong, but before the troops can fire, Kong, in a move I'm sure nobody anticipated, leaps off the cliff and into the river. He bonks his head against a rock and goes under, blood filling the water. Nevitt says not even Kong could survive that, and a quick check of the Makeup Kit of Plot Importance seems to confirm this as Kong flatlines. Mary Sue bursts into tears as Hank comforts her.
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Kooshmeister
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Must have caffeine...


« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2007, 04:36:48 PM »

Cut to what we soon learn is a few months later. Kongette is being held underground in an abandoned missile silo at a base converted into being what a sign identifies as the "Primate Holding Division" of the U.S. Army, which, of course, Colonel Nevitt is in charge of. We see a dump truck loaded with bananas and other fruits brought onto the base and dumped down into the silo containing Kongette, who refuses to touch the stuff. Two guards in a control room with a window overlooking the interior watch her, and one guy comments that she hasn't been eating. His partner sarcastically tells him he ought to go in there and clean it up, then.

We then see that Mary Sue is apparently a doctor for humans as well, as Benson Hughes (remember him?) comes to see her at the hospital where she works, armed with a document "signed by the Secretary of Defense himself" that will compell Nevitt to let them see Lady Kong. Apparently, Nevitt has been refusing to allow any civilians onto the base, so Ben had to go over his head.

As they walk out to Ben's car, they discuss how Hank is down in Borneo again trying to buy a reserve to put Kongette onto. At the base, Nevitt lets them in, but grudgingly; he expresses a deep-seated contempt for Kongette on account of the fact two of his soldiers "damn near bought the farm," although it was Kong who took violent action against Nevitt's men, not Kongette, but I guess if Kong is dead Nevitt's gonna take out his anger on the female. He and Major Peete take Amy and Ben down to where the silo viewing room is, and they looked through a window at Lady Kong who continues moaning in despair. Mary Sue wants to go in, but Nevitt refuses.

Upon being asked how long Kongette has been acting like this, Nevitt shrugs it off and says she's fine. Ben, the primatologist, says she's grieving for Kong, her mate, but Mary Sue has another idea, and says that Kong must be alive and Lady Kong can feel it. "I feel it too!" she insists. Nevitt tells the guards to give her and Ben a mere two minutes with "their monkey," then kick them out, telling Amy that visiting hours are over "permenently." He and Peete then exit. Alone with Ben, Mary Sue continues to insist that Kong is alive, but Ben assures her he's dead, since "the army covered every inch of the state" and found nothing. Granted the lack of a corpse could also indicate he survived, but covering all its bases isn't one of this movie's strong points.

After they're rudely shown the door and are walking to his car, Ben tells Amy that an animal of Kong's size needs a lot of protein to survive, and therefore even if he survived the fall off the cliff, the lack of sufficient food would men he'd have died not long afterwards anyway.

But wait, what's this? We cut to Kong, who's been living in a gloomy swamp for the past three or four months, subsisting on alligators. So much for Jack Prescott's speech in the first flick about the giant apes eating only fruit. Anyway, Kong grabs up what is supposed to be a fully-grown alligator but is in fact a baby one and "kills" it by snapping its neck. In a nice bit, a frog looks on and actually flinches at the sound of cracking bones. Kong then gathers up this and a few other dead gators and returns to his lair in a cave, where he eats them, looking bored. But then he hears Lady Kong's cries in the night and decides to end his self-imposed exile, and sets off thattaways.

Meanwhile, Hank returns to the States and is greeted by Mary Sue at the airport. Taking a thick-looking envelope out of his pocket and handing it to Amy, Gary Stu says he said he'd deliver. He's managed to acquire 10,000 acres of highland in Borneo. What's in the envelope, we're never told, but I'm assuming it's the deed or something.

As they walk out to Amy's truck, Gary Stu says he wants to go and see Kongette since he hasn't seen her in months. "Neither has anyone else," Mary Sue tells him, and proceeds to fill him in on how Colonel Nevitt threw her and Ben off the base earlier after giving them a scant two minutes with Lady Kong, who she fears is dying or something. Hank, enraged, jumps into the truck and drives out the base where we cut to him arguing with the guard at the front gate.

The guard tells him that Colonel Nevitt is unavailable. Gary Stu cries bulls**t and complains that Nevitt has been "un-Goddamn-available" for the past hour, and demands that he and Amy be let in. Finally he just shoves the guy down and runs inside as Mary Sue yells for him to stop. he doesn't make it very far before two large soldiers block is path. The first guy grabs him, while his partner hits him in the stomach with the butt of his rifle, and down Gary Stu goes.

Amy comes running up with the guard from the front gate, as the soldier who hit Hank sneers, "If your boyfriend wants another, I'd be glad to oblige." They're kind enough to assist Amy in dragging Hank back to the truck, though. Gary Stu is hopping mad and looks ready to get back out and throw down with Nevitt's goon squad, but Amy stops him and tells him, "For God's sake, you haven't slept in 24 hours. Let's go home." So, they do. I guess.

Meanwhile, Kong emerges from the swamp and finds himself in a stereotypical rundown hick town, with a bait shop and everything. Cut to the inside of one of the houses, where we find a teenaged girl and her boyfriend making out on the sofa. The boyfriend is telling his girl that she's got "the biggest, brownest eyes I ever did see." And then, Kong peers down at them through the skylight. Thus begins the first of two "comedy" setpieces in the film. The boyfriend looks up at Kong, terrified, and the girlfriend remains blissfully unaware of the giant ape's presence until the guy gasps and Kong roars. The two of them run outside (personally I'd stay in the house and hide in a closet or something), screaming their heads off, awakening the entire town.

Various townsfolk come out of their homes and upon catching sight of Kong are thrown into a wild panic. More of the same car-crashing antics from the warehouse scene earlier in the film, this time with a rather lame bit thrown in where another boyfriend and girlfriend get on their motorcycle and ride between Kong's spread legs for a thrill, and an even lamer bit where we discover that the only resident who appears to own a gun is a withered elderly man who staggers out of his hut and starts firing his rifle in every direction, pretty much hitting everything but Kong. Kong, looking dejected, turns and stomps off into some nearby woods.

Cut to the next day, where news of Kong's reappearance has spread quick and every hunter worth his salt has come from miles around to get a shot at the big ape. Major Peete arrives with some of his men and, upon seeing the crowd of boozed-up good-ol-boys, grumbles, "What the hell is this? Deliverance?" We focus on one particular group of hunters, consisting of five men, who are loading a speedboat with dynamite down by the river.

The leader of this little rough-and-tumble crew is a mean dickwad named Vance, who, upon being questioned by Peete about the whole ordeal, says "I want that ape's head on the hood of my pickup!" Peete tells them going after Kong is suicide, but they ignore him and take off in their boat, whooping and hollering as only drunken rednecks can.

Cut to Mary Sue 'n' Gary Stu flying along in a small airplane, apparently having also heard about Kong's resurfacing and being out looking for 'im. Hank, noticing some army helicopters flying along beside them, notes that they've "Got company" and takes evasive maneuvers, although neither of the 'copters makes any move to pursue them. After putting some distance between them and the 'copters, they begin scanning the forest below them for any signs of Kong, and it isn't long before they notice a bunch of uprooted, knocked-over trees, indicating that something Kong-sized recently crashed through them.

Hank flies on ahead a little ways and lands the plane. Noting that they must be "a couple miles ahead of 'im," he and Mary Sue get out of the plane and "hump it" to cut Kong off at the pass. And do what, exactly? Amy's got the heart monitor with her, but unless she can somehow use it to subdue him I really don't know what she and Hank think they're doing out here.
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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2007, 04:44:07 PM »

Cut to the hunters, who are hiding behind a boulder in a canyon. One of them complains about "damn chiggers," and then Kong appears, walking around a bend in the canyon, growling menacingly at the five guys. Chiggers whines that he has to "go to church," then jumps up and runs off, and this is the last we see of him. Vance, the leader, quickly grabs a detonator and turns the handle, setting off some explosives placed at the top of the canyon on either side, starting a huge avalanche that ends up burying Kong up to his neck in rocks.

The four remaining hicks cheer, and, to celebrate, proceed to get drunk and start shooting their guns in the air, and Vance joins two of his buddies in standing in front of Kong's head while the fourth scruffy-looking hunter takes pictures of them with a camera. Kong growls at them, and Will, the greasy-looking redneck, tries to make him drink some liquor. Kong responds to this by spitting it back out, drenching Will, who the other hicks all laugh at. Vance then comments that he "don't like this boy's attitude," and Will pipes up, saying they need to "teach this boy some respect!"

Another hunter named Jay sticks up for Kong, and says if they're gonna kill them, then they should go ahead and kill him, and not torment him any more, going so far as to cock his rifle threateningly while telling them to stop. His friends make fun of him and Scruffy takes his gun away, and then Vance and Will grab some burning logs from their campfire and begin jabbing them into Kong's face, laughing cruelly.

They then have the temerity to look surprised when Kong responds to this by erupting out from underneath the rockpile in a rage. Vance and Will manage to get clear in time and take off down the canyon. Scruffy and the unfortunate Jay, however, aren't as lucky, and end up getting buried. I've always felt really sorry for poor Jay here. He tried to stop them from messing with Kong and he still got killed.

Kong pursues the fleeing hunters. He singles out Will first as he tries to climb up a cliff. Grabbing the screaming man up, Kong grabs him by the arms and legs and pulls, and Will becomes twice the man he used to be as Kong rather graphically pulls him apart. Next up is Vance, who's used heretofore unseen Spider-Man abilities to quickly scale another cliff. Kong starts his own avalanche which knocks Vance from his perch, and he falls down into Kong's hand. Kong then proceeds to stuff the big meanie into his mouth, chew him up, and swallow 'im down.

Pausing long enough to pick Vance's baseball cap out from between his teeth, he moves on, then stops and clutches his chest. Initially it looks like Vance is giving him a severe case of indigestion, but instead it looks like his artificial heart is acting up.

This is confirmed when Amy and Hank arrive on the scene, and Amy uses the Makeup Kit of Plot Importance to discover that poor Kong's heart is malfunctioning. Hmm, and here I thought she'd just gotten done saying that exertion made his heart stronger. Mary Sue tries to correct the problem with her doohicky as Kong stomps towards her and Hank, and ultimately Gary Stu grabs her and pulls her out of the way, but neither of them bothers to save the machine which Kong steps on and crushes. Seriously, they had enough time to grab the monitor and pull it out of Kong's path.

But hey, we gotta have some drama, I guess, and we get plenty of that when, after examining the remains of the device, Mary Sue declares that his heart "won't last a day." To make matters worse, she and Hank then stumble upon the dead bodies of Jay 'n' Scruffy, and, because Kong has now killed, Mary Sue says nothing will stop the army from putting him down.

There's a number of problems with this. First of all, Kong already killed at least two people while breaking Kongette out of the warehouse earlier. Secondly, the only people who know about the dead hunters are Amy and Hank, and why would they tell anyone, let alone Nevitt of all people, thus endangering Kong? Well, I suppose Chiggers could talk, but he cut out prior to Kong going bananas (no pun intended) and killing his buddies, so unless he returns and finds their bodies, no one else but our dynamic duo knows that Kong has killed anyone at this point.

Cut back to Primate Holding Division, where we see Nevitt and most of his men move out to go looking for Kong. Nevitt is riding on one of the APCs, and one of the tank crewmen tells him that air recon confirms that "the enemy" is headed right for them. Major Peete pulls up alongside in a jeep and tells Nevitt that a General Sutton (obviously Nevitt's superior officer) is "on the horn," and wants Nevitt to capture Kong alive, not kill him. Nevitt replies that the channel is malfunctioning and he didn't get Sutton's message. Peete says he understands, but looks severely troubled. I'm not spoiling anything by saying Nevitt will eventually be killed, but had he survived, I think that ignoring a direct order from a general like this would've effectively ended his career.

Cut to some town or other being evacuated by the army and the police, as Amy and Hank's plane flies overhead. Looking down, they can see Kong stomping through the town, as, on the radio, the newscaster says that General Sutton is still favoring a live capture for some reason, which means that, yup, had Nevitt survived the events of the film, his career as an army officer would've been over. The newscast also mentions Nevitt, saying he and his troops have left their headquarters to "divert" Kong so he can be "apprehended," but Mary Sue knows better. She knows Nevitt fully intends to kill Kong. But, since he and most of his guys have left the base, this means that Lady Kong will be sparsely guarded. So, she 'n' Gary Stu decide to fly over thattaways so they can set about freeing the big gal. En route, they fly over Nevitt's troops who are readying for battle.

Cut to a couple of teenagers getting into a Lambourgini. The second "comedy" section of the film begins as Kong starts walking towards them, and the two bail out and run and hide. Kong, of course, steps on the car, crushing it, prompting one of the teens to whine, "My dad's gonna kill me!" Kong next wanders onto a golf course where he encounters a few golfers, one of whom accidentally hits him in the forehead with his ball. He roars angrily, and the golfers turn and run off.

My problem with this scene, and the one with the two teens in the Lambourgini, is that it's obvious this is the same town that we just saw being evacuated, or close to it. So how come these people are going about their daily business as though there isn't a fifty-foot gorilla on the rampage? It made sense before, since everyone thought Kong was dead, so him catching the residents of that first town off guard made perfect sense. But now, his reappearance is common knowledge enough to be on the news, with both the army and several hunters after him, so I should think these people would stay indoors or leave town or something. And hell, if the army is following Kong's progress via air recon, they know what direction Kong is heading in, and should have evacuated this part of town.

At the base, Gary Stu lands the plane, and he and Mary Sue creep forward to the perimeter fence and watch some of the soldiers left to guard the front gate. Mary Sue says there's no way they're gonna get in there, but Hank says he thinks they can, they just have to wait until nightfall.

Come night time, we watch as Kong cautiously approaches Nevitt's forces, keeping low among some trees behind a hilltop. So, uh, I guess the air recon got called off, since Nevitt and his guys remain completely unaware of Kong's presence until the big ape leaps out of hiding and begins attacking them. Machine guns blaze, tanks fire, all that good stuff. Kong throws rocks and dirt at the soldiers in an apparent attempt to blind them, and stomps towards them, grinding a few vehicles underfoot.

And suddenly, uh, Nevitt's tank has crashed. I must've missed that part, 'cause out of nowhere we see that Nevitt's tank has plowed into a sand dune, and Nevitt, face all cut up, jumps down from on top of it and runs and gets into a jeep, ordering the driver to "Get back in there!" This doesn't last long, as Kong proceeds to just casually overturn Nevitt's ride, spilling the colonel out into the dirt. Kong then turns and stomps off, presumably in the direction of the base, with Nevitt screaming after him, "You son of a b***h!" He then gathers what's left of his troops, jumping onto a passing tank, and ordering them to go "after that mother!"

Amy and Hank are still crouching by the fence, and watch as the guards open the gate to let out a couple of guys in a jeep. Oddly, the guards stop the jeep and begin arguing with the soldiers in it about whether or not they can leave, with the ones in the jeep insisting that "the captain" summoned them or something, and the guards insisting right back that Nevitt gave orders for more than two men to remain behind. It's all just as tedious as it sounds, but it does allow for Mary Sue 'n' Gary Stu to sneak in while they're bickering, and Hank pauses at the guardhouse long enough to push the button opening up the entrance to the underground silo.

Of course, there's still the two dudes in the control room to contend with, and they get a call from upstairs informing them of the break-in (although the bigger of these two seems to have some difficult fathoming the severity of an intrusion). They grab their guns, but when they open the door to leave the room they find Amy standing there.

"Hello, mama!" the first guard says, obviously forgetting the break-in, and ignoring the possibility that Amy is one of the intruders. Suddenly Hank jumps into view and punches the dimwit in the face, knocking him back into his buddy. The first guard goes down immediately; Gary Stu wrestles with the bigger guy for his rifle, and manages to knee him in the crotch (it looks like), and then karate-chop him across the back of the neck. Down he goes. Vengeance is sweet.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2007, 04:45:49 PM by Kooshmeister » Logged
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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2007, 04:49:41 PM »

He and Amy then go to the window looking in on Kongette's enclosure, and she stands up, revealing a swollen belly. Gary Stu is horrified, and demands to know what they've "done to her," but Mary Sue says she's pregnant. Huh. I guess she and Kong made the Beast With Two Backs, after all. Hank gets the keys off of one of the knocked-out guards, and then they run out into the hallway and go over to the barred window looking in on the silo. Opening the door, they go in.

Hank goes over to a little control panel and presses a button, causing the bottom of the silo to raise upwards, carrying them and Kongette up towards the ceiling, and Gary Stu, assuring Kongette that she's gonna be okay and that they're going to get her out of there, presses another button, opening the top of the silo. She looks up and smiles, seeing freedom so close, but back in the control room, the big guard wakes up and stops the lift, then starts closing the roof opening.

Kongette becomes understandably agitated, and Hank begins uselessly pressing more buttons on the control panel to no avail. Hank goes up to her, telling her to take it easy, and Kongette responds by reaching down to grab him!

And suddenly Kong himself appears at the top of the silo and stops the doors from closing, using his strength to push them back and finally rip them apart. Lots of rubble rains down inside the silo, some of it almost squishing Amy. He then reaches down and takes Lady Kong's hand, and pulls her up out of the hole, leaving Mary Sue behind. Gary Stu is still being held in Kongette's hand, by the way, and unsurprisingly very freaked out. Amy then goes and begins climbing up the ladder to get out.

By the time she reaches the top, the apes are already escaping into the woods. Thinking quickly, she swipes an army truck and drives off after them, even as she sees the approaching headlights belonging to Nevitt's troops, after Kong.

Cut to a square dance taking place outside of a barn. We focus on an old guy boozing it up over at the refreshment table, who is unaware that the Kongs are approaching the shindig in the background. A second old dude walks up to him and says, "Is that you, Elroy? I ain't seen you in a hundred years, boy!" "You never know who's gonna show up at one of these here family reunions, do ya!" The other family members notice the giant apes and quickly begin running away, but it takes Elroy and his friend a little longer to spot them, but when they do, the result is the same: yell and run away.

Kongette sets Hank down just as Amy drives up in the purloined truck. Getting out, she runs over and hugs him, and then suddenly Kongette topples over backwards and crashes through the barn, ending up on her back. The manner in which she clutches her swollen stomach and begins moaning clearly suggests she's going into labor, and it's at this point that Nevitt and his men show up. He orders his men to fire. Mary Sue yells for them to stop, since they'll "hit the female," but Nevitt merely reiterates, and pretty soon Kong is being shot up with machine gun fire. Amy and Hank run and hide behind the truck as Kong stomps angrily towards the soldiers, with Nevitt screaming "Waste him!" at the top of his lungs.

Kong picks a tank up and drops it, and it then curiously explodes. A jeep blows up on impact when he swats it next. Gosh, Nevitt's army vehicles are pretty combustible. He then grabs up another jeep and piledrives its back end into the ground, crumpling it (although curiously it doesn't explode). He squashes a few more vehicles and then the soldiers begin to retreat, all except for Nevitt of course, whose tank continues towards Kong.

Kong responds to this by picking the tank up and throwing it aside and into a nearby cemetary of all possible places. The tank explodes on impact, but Nevitt is thrown free and lands in some bushes. Nevitt, bloody and bruised, gets to his feet and draws his sidearm, firing uselessly up at Kong while screaming "Come on, you bastard! Come on! Come on!" Needless to say his puny pistol does absolutely nothing except make Kong really mad. Taking note of this, Nevitt finally grows a brain and realizes the danger he's in.

He turns and begins to run off through the graveyard, but he doesn't make it very far before Kong pounds his fist down onto him, driving him straight into the earth. Kong then lifts his fist up, revealing Nevitt's legs sticking stiffly up out of the impact crater, a la that guy in the dumpster in Last Action Hero.

Kong roars triumphantly, but then starts to moan in pain and clutch at his chest. It's a toss-up as to whether it's the artificial heart giving out finally, or the fact he was just shot with way more gunfire than he was in the first film. He falls to his knees as Mary Sue, Gary Stu, and, for some reason, Major Peete and what's left of Nevitt's forces, look on in horror, as, inside the barn, Kongette continues going through labor, and ultimately gives birth to a little man-sized gorilla.

Kong manages to crawl over to the entrance of the barn and look in at his son. Amy and Hank run over as well, and Amy tells Kong to reach for his son and touch him. Kong does so, with the baby nuzzling his outstretched fingers affectionately, but immediately after this, Kong finally croaks. Kongette looks somber, the baby wails in sorrow, Amy sheds a few tears as Hank tries to comfort her, and, outside, the family who owns the barn returns and, along with all of the relatives who'd been attending the reunion, plus Major Peete and the soldiers, and they all gather around the barn in a kind of impromptu, halfassed funeral for Kong, or something.

I gotta admit, this is sad, at least in theory. I mean, c'mon, Kong dies right after seeing his child for the first time, but it's so over-the-top it becomes impossible to cry at it.

And then, suddenly, we cut to Borneo, using the exact same establishing shot from earlier in the film. I guess that with Nevitt dead there was nobody to oppose the idea of moving Lady Kong and her newborn onto the sanctuary Hank had bought. And sure enough, that's precisely what happens to them. We see Kongette missing her man as she sits there, watching their son swing through the trees on vines like he's Tarzan or something, beating his chest fiercely just like dear old dad.

A happy ending, I guess, but it bugs me that we never learn what becomes of Amy and Hank. Most likely, they went to jail for their various undeniable criminal acts committed throughout the film, not the last of which is assaulting one bulldozer driver, a few SWAT officers, and no less than three U.S. soldiers, as well as breaking-and-entering on federal property twice, and being almost solely responsible for all of the death and destruction caused by Kong following his escape from the Institute. Serves 'em right.

The End
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« Reply #6 on: March 18, 2007, 10:40:05 PM »

Man, oh man, this film stunk.  I've tried to find something positive to say about it, and the only thing I can think of, is that I kinda liked the nice, if simplistic and repetitive score by John Scott.

Interestingly enough, Mr. Scott also did the music for the equally terrible "Inseminoid".
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« Reply #7 on: March 18, 2007, 11:28:57 PM »

I actually paid money to see this film in the theater.  Buggedout
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