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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  We need some JOKES! « previous next »
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Author Topic: We need some JOKES!  (Read 14863 times)
Poogie
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« on: February 07, 2007, 01:58:39 PM »

Yes....it would be nice to hear some Jokes. I've heard many,many jokes, but I'm a terrible joke teller, mostly because I usually forget how to tell the joke very quickly...brain damage is the reason. Even if you think everybody has heard it before go ahead and tell it, it will still be funny. Laughter is the best medicine.   BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle
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CheezeFlixz
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2007, 02:11:07 PM »

A clown, a nun with a chicken, two midgets in omppa-loompas outfits, a pirate, 3 dogs with a cats on their back. a goat and the pope walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says .....










... what is this some kind of joke?


Easy joke to remember, just put a bunch of weird things together and remember the punch line.
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Menard
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2007, 02:26:38 PM »

Let's see here.

Two lesbians...

Oh...sorry, that's not part of the joke, I was just thinking aloud. TeddyR



I've told this on here before, but it has been a while. This was a joke I oddly made up for self-defense when I used to do church directories. Not often, but sometimes, somebody would have a personal problem with me being a vegetarian; this joke usually shut them up quickly.



Before I became a vegetarian, I did consider cannibalism.
Among cannibals, the palm of the hand is considered the most delicious part of the human body.
However, I would absolutely draw the line at eating anybody who has been to a palm reader.

 Question The usual expression that followed, along with the question "Why?"




I don't like read meat. TongueOut
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CheezeFlixz
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2007, 02:40:53 PM »

What do you call a militant vegetarian?

Lactose intolerant.


That's a joke son, laugh!
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Derf
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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2007, 03:58:01 PM »

A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!"

Sure, it's lame, but the only other one that usually comes to mind is the elementary-school joke about how to catch a polar bear.
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"They tap dance not, neither do they fart." --Greensleeves, on the Fig Men of the Imagination, in "Twice Upon a Time."
Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2007, 04:08:03 PM »

How?
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CheezeFlixz
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« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2007, 04:17:30 PM »

Ok some guy walks into a bar jokes ...

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

John Kerry walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender asks, "I don't know, what does he look like?"

A dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm lookin' fer the man that shot my paw."

A man walked into a bar holding an alligator. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" The bartender said, "Yes, we do!" "Good," replied the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my alligator."

A man went into a bar and ordered several shots of vodka. By the time the bar was closing, he was wasted. He got up to leave and fell flat on his face. "Well, I don't want the bartender to think I'm drunk, so I'll pretend I tripped and I'll try it again." So he gets up and falls on his face. "Well, the door's not too far away; I'll just crawl." When he gets outside he thinks, "Well, I only live 4 blocks away; I can make it that far." So he stands up and falls on his face. He decides he'll try it 1 block at a time, and at every block he falls flat on his face. Finally he makes it home, stands up and falls on the bed. In the morning his wife wakes him up. "You were drunk again last night, weren't you?" "How did you know?" "The bartender called. He said you left your wheelchair at the bar."

NEXT ...
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Derf
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« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2007, 04:43:50 PM »

How?

You cut a hole in the ice and put peas all around it. When the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole! (Remember, it's an elementary-school joke, so if you happen to be ten, this joke's hilarious, because you get to say things that sound almost dirty!)
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"They tap dance not, neither do they fart." --Greensleeves, on the Fig Men of the Imagination, in "Twice Upon a Time."
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« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2007, 11:27:14 PM »

Haha! Icehole, peas!! Ha
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RCMerchant
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« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2007, 02:26:07 AM »

A lazy old hillbilly is sitting in his shack  with his toothless wife on a stormy day. The roof is leaking bad,with buckets placed at spots around the room to catch water as it drips .
the old lady says," You worthless old drunk! Why don't ya ever patch that roof up?!"
To which the old fart says,:
"Lissen here,! When it's a-rainin' I can't and when the sunshines,It don't leak!"
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\"Supernatural?...perhaps. Baloney?...Perhaps not!\" Bela Lugosi-the BLACK CAT (1934)


Interviewer-"Does Dracula ever end for you?"
Lugosi-"No. Dracula-never ends."





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Yaddo 42
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Where's that brick.......


« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2007, 05:53:35 AM »

I'll keep it pretty clean, maybe someone can start a dirty joke topic.

Plus I generally suck at telling jokes.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender tells him, " Get out we don't serve strings in here!" The string goes back outside, ties himself into a loop, unravels one end of himself and re-enters the bar. The bartender tells him, " Didn't I just tell you we don't serve strings in here!" The string says back, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

A guy joins a monastery, and has to take a vow of silence, but the head monk tells him every 10 years he's allowed to say two words. After ten years, the man walks into the head monk's office says, "Bed hard" and walks out. Ten years go by, he comes in the head monk's office again and says, "Food cold" and walks out. Ten years later he walks in again and says, " I quit." The head monk says back, "Good. You haven't stopped b***hing since you got here."

I've been married and divorced three times. The next time I want to get married, I'm just gonna find a woman I don't like and buy her a house.

I have a split personality, and so do I.....
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blah blah stuff blah blah obscure pop culture reference blah blah clever turn of phrase blah blah bad pun blah blah bad link blah blah zzzz.....
RCMerchant
Bela
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"Charlie,we're in HELL!"-"yeah,ain't it groovy?!"


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« Reply #11 on: February 08, 2007, 06:37:01 AM »

Heard at an AA meeting:
 A guy at AA pronounces to the group-"I haven't felt it nessacary to get drunk for over 20 years!"
 One other guy says-"Bulls**t! I saw you staggering outta the bar last night wasted!"
 First guy-" Oh yeah! I know!But it wasn't  nessacery!" Drink

Whats red and pink smells like sh!t and screams?
 A filthy baby chewing on a razor blade. Bluesad

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\"Supernatural?...perhaps. Baloney?...Perhaps not!\" Bela Lugosi-the BLACK CAT (1934)


Interviewer-"Does Dracula ever end for you?"
Lugosi-"No. Dracula-never ends."





http://www.tumblr.com/dashboard
http://www.tumblr.com/dashboard
http://rcmerchant.tumblr.com/
Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #12 on: February 08, 2007, 05:41:30 PM »

 BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle
I'm laughing and feeling real healthy.......
 BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle  BounceGiggle 
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Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #13 on: February 09, 2007, 03:57:05 PM »

Two guys were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped under the surface. After floating under a blazing heat for six days, they ran out of food and water. On the tenth day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an old oil lamp. They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. Out popped a tired old genie who said, "Okay, I've been doing this 3-wishes stuff for a while now guys, and, quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys only get one wish and then I'm outta here...so make it a good one." The first guy blurted out, without thinking, "Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of out lives!" "Fine," said the genie, and the entire ocean was instantly turned into beer. "Great move, Einstein," said the second guy, slapping the first guy on the side of the head. "Now we're gonna have to pee in the boat."
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Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #14 on: February 09, 2007, 05:16:09 PM »

I found this and I thought it was kinda of cute....  BounceGiggle
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