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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Other Topics  |  Off Topic Discussion  |  We need some JOKES! « previous next »
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Author Topic: We need some JOKES!  (Read 14630 times)
trekgeezer
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We're all just victims of circumstance


« Reply #30 on: February 24, 2007, 07:10:57 PM »

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
"Thyroid problem?"

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal'?

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while
driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a
half.

 How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?
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And you thought Trek isn't cool.
Shadow
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Primoris Malum


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« Reply #31 on: February 24, 2007, 07:43:56 PM »

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

7. Support bacteria. Theyíre the only culture some people have.

8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

9. How many of you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.

10. OKÖso whatís the speed of dark?

11. When everything is coming your way, youíre in the wrong lane.

12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just donít have film.

13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

15. I couldnít repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.

16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

18. Just remember - if the world didnít suck, we would all fall off.

19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

20 Life isnít like a box of chocolates - itís more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
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Shadow
www.bmoviegraveyard.com
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Cricket21a
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« Reply #32 on: February 25, 2007, 04:18:39 AM »

 hot BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle BounceGiggle

This is a cute joke I came across on the net, thought I'd share it.

Just a reminder........

Why Parents Have Gray Hair

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!
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****************************************

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking
Poogie
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« Reply #33 on: February 25, 2007, 10:51:58 PM »

THE SURGERY
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. "The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. "After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" "My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."  TeddyR
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Poogie
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« Reply #34 on: February 27, 2007, 12:14:57 PM »

THE WIFE
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Ash
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« Reply #35 on: February 27, 2007, 12:19:50 PM »

Ok...I've got one.

"Did you hear the one about the teacher who was arrested trying to board an airplane with a compass, a protractor and a calculator?"

"He was charged with carrying weapons of math instruction."
   TeddyR
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trekgeezer
Frightening Fanatic of Horrible Cinema
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We're all just victims of circumstance


« Reply #36 on: February 27, 2007, 01:12:14 PM »

One day wifey goes to a garage sale and finds a full length mirror that would go perfectly on her bathroom door. When she pays for the mirror, the lady selling it tells her it is a magic mirror and she should be careful how she uses it. Wifey thinks this is just a story and takes the mirror home.

Later that day with the new mirror mounted on the bathroom door Wifey takes a shower. When she gets out to dry herself she looks at the mirror and wonders about if it's really magic. She stands in front of the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my bust a forty-four. POW! she is suddeny over-endowed.

When Hubby comes home he notices Wifey's newly enhanced bosom and asks what the deal is. She relates the tale of the mirror, but Hubby thinks she's faking something and laughs at her. 

Later as Hubby takes his nightly shower he gets out and looks at the mirror. He starts to wonder about the mirror. Something happened to Wifey. Could it be magic?  He decides to give it a try by saying, "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my pecker drag the floor."

POW!





His legs fall off!
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Poogie
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« Reply #37 on: February 28, 2007, 11:26:44 AM »

A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit? St. Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the s#$t out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
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Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #38 on: March 01, 2007, 12:33:31 PM »

A BLONDE JOKE
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started. "Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He takes her hand and says,"Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...."He sighed.............."Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box....."
« Last Edit: March 01, 2007, 01:16:30 PM by Poogie » Logged

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Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #39 on: March 02, 2007, 02:24:02 PM »

INVITATION TO DINNER
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" " Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
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Poogie
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uuummmmmm.....BOO!


« Reply #40 on: March 03, 2007, 05:29:44 PM »

THE FROG
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow, that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. "The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day. the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but considering the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me." The man is stunned, but he does, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous young woman. "And that, I swear, is how that woman ended up in my room."  TeddyR
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Viktorcrayon
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« Reply #41 on: March 04, 2007, 08:31:27 AM »

What do you get, when you cross an owl with a bungee chord?






My ass!!!
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Poogie
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« Reply #42 on: March 05, 2007, 02:04:44 PM »

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Poogie
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« Reply #43 on: March 06, 2007, 07:03:22 PM »

THIRTEEN
A young man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a hole in the wood. He put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."  Smile
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Poogie
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« Reply #44 on: March 08, 2007, 05:31:06 PM »







WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????......  BounceGiggle

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