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Badmovies.org Forum  |  Movies  |  Bad Movies  |  Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet « previous next »
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Author Topic: Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet  (Read 18636 times)
clockworkcanary
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« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2007, 09:08:58 AM »

Chapter 2: The Phantom Boss

...the camera hovers above the Bad Guy Table (TM).  Dehoven is there along with five other bad guy lackies and the Big Boss(TM)  - a hooded figure with a deep (and obviously disguised) voice. 

Big Boss(TM): You've done well Lord Dehoven.  Everything is going according to plan.  They will never suspect the traitor...

Lackie1, some three-armed guy with a domed-face plate interrupts; it starts complaigning in some alien language, shaking its three fists in the air...

Big Boss(TM) flips a switch and somehow the lackie is dropped out of an air lock, out and into the void of space.

Big Boss(TM): Anyone else wanna complain about...
« Last Edit: March 26, 2007, 12:01:47 PM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #16 on: March 02, 2007, 12:41:51 PM »

Meanwhile, in the prison sector, a long hallway is lined with small jail cells, energy sheilds replacing the locks and bars. One cell is guarded by four hulking creatures that resemble a cross between a crab, a gorilla, and a large black lizard. In this cell is Jasmine (played by Rachel McAdams). She is fast asleep on the matress on the ground meant to be a bed.

Back on Venus, Jin, Aaron, and Volga are still having trouble defeating the mighty Chuck Norris. Currently, Jin, dressed like Neo, and Chuck are in a Matrix-Style fist fight. Jin is losing, but every once in a while he gets a punch in. Chuck has slowed down a little since when the last time we saw the battle, but he is still kicking the crap out of his opposition. Aaron jumps off a treetop and body slams Norris. This seems to be quite effective, as Chuck struggles to pull himself to his feet after the blow.

Aaron: Mutha just won't quit!

Jin: To the max. (does air gutair)

Volga: Wait! I know his weakness! Remember how Van Dam beat him? He kicked him in the crouch! That's his weak poi-(roundhouse kicked into a tree)

Chuck Norris: I don't even have to kill you. All I have to do is keep you busy until the sacrifice is made. Once Crigta has risen, nothing will stop him! He will rule the universe, with his followers at his side!

Jin: Your an evil man, Chuck Norris. You were the most awsome man who ever lived until you joined this cult. What made you become this way?

Chuck Norris: Do I need a reason? I'm Chuck Norris, b***h! I can do whatever I damn well please!
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clockworkcanary
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« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2007, 01:17:03 PM »

Aaron, talking trash with a sudden Spanish accent, in a strength to strength lock up with Chuckles, "Ah but Chuck, I know somethig you don't know" similar to the conversation in Princess Bride

Chuck, clutching him by the throat, "tell me...tell me this somethig"

Aaron, "I have somethig you do not have"

Chuck, "tell me..."

Aaron tosses Chuck back a few feet with a sudden burst of strength, "I have a Figurine of the Cloned One!"

Chuck, and everyone else, "Who?!"

Aaron, "the cloned one of Bruce Lee!  And he's easily kicked your ass before!"  Aaron breaks out a small figurine of Bruce in his trademarked kick stance.  Aaron mumbles something in an unknown language and the figurine turns into Bruce Lee ...only it's his clone so it has blue hair!

Aaron, looking back at Jin and Volga, "they forced me to use it!"

Blue-Haired Bruce Lee (BHBL) screams: "yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaooooooooww"
« Last Edit: March 02, 2007, 01:18:45 PM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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« Reply #18 on: March 02, 2007, 10:30:06 PM »

Chuck Norris's head caves in and he dies on the spot from the force of the blue cloned Bruce Lee's sliding side kick.

Jin: "Aaron I'm not feeling good about this. There's nothing here for us."

Aaron: "Were you going Jin?"

Jin: "Just going to take a walk."

Aaron: "I'm gunna get me some chow. See you back at camp."

Jin: "Don't let the bedbugs bite."

Aaron laughs as Volga quietly walks a head.

While walking around the soupy landscape of Venus Jin stumbles across a cemetery like the ones on Earth. Reading the dates on the tombstones Jin realises that it's from an Earth colony. Upon one of the stones is the name Marlon Brando his favorite film star. Running back to camp and telling the others about the site they all race to the foggy cemetery on the distant planet called Venus.


Jin: "Look Aaron it's the grave of Marlon Brando."

Aaron: "Yea, I liked him in the film Apocalypse Now. He was crazy as Kurtz. We could use Colonel Kurtz right now against that Horde of the Dead. Our chances are really bad and I'm gettin home sick. If my mama could only see me now."

Volga starts chanting and talking to the spirits. Light begins to enter the burial grounds and the soil begins to move. Rising from the Venetian surface is a human like body. Bald and rather heavy set with a tape recorder.

Jin: "It's Brando ! ! !"

Aaron: "Kurtz ! ! ! ! ! !"

Brando: "Friends, Romans, and country men. Lend me your ears."

Jin: "Wow, that was right from the film Julius Ceasar."

At that moment a Cambodian Army rises from the Venetian graves.

Aaron: "Shakespeare...man."

Volga approaches Brando and kneels before the great one.

Brando: "Up great Goddess. You and I are equals."

Brando and Volga retreat to the Venetian forest and aren't seen till morning. Brando's Cambodian Army holds back Jin and Aaron. As the morning sun appears so do Brando and Volga. Cambodian soldiers wake Jin and Aaron to the new day as Brando pushes record on the tape machine.............
Logged

CoreyHeldpen
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I think these komodos need to leave this cruise.


« Reply #19 on: March 02, 2007, 11:19:30 PM »

Brando: It is on this grave day that we prepare to for the arrival of the Doomtroopers, and for the Horde of the Dead to begin to spread throughout the planets. Soon, we leave for Uranus. Hopefully, we are not too late.

Just as he finishes talking, a huge black drop ship touches down next to the camp. About six dozen soldiers completely covered in menacing black amour, toting large futuristic machine guns exit the vehicle before it takes off and leaves.

Brando: At last, the Doomtroopers arrive.

Aaron: That's them? I was expecting a little more from all the hype.

Doomtrooper: We would have brought more men, but we saw you had the Cambodians here, too. 

Jin: No problem. So when do we leave for Uranus?

Doomtrooper: Our briefing said we'd be heading there in about an hour and a half.

Jin: Woah... I can't believe that less than three days ago I was on a bus to Wal-Mart back on Earth, and now I'm going to Uranus to save my girlfriend from an insane cult. Crazy, man. By the way, Aaron, what was with that crazy Spanish accent earlier?

Aaron: It was nothing, I was just in the mood.

Meanwhile, back in Jasmine's jail cell...
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« Reply #20 on: March 03, 2007, 11:24:45 PM »

Jasmine: So girls what do you want to do next. Oooo this is wonderful. I hope we don't have to leave anytime soon.

Meanwhile back on Venus

Volga: Lord Brando has plans for the two of you. You'll notice that outside the earths atmosphere your transformative powers have all but dissapeared.

Brando pushes the record button. Jin and Aaron listen closely.

Brando: Crigta is a domineering man...........who didn't use all his anal energies when young due to harsh toilet training by his parents............They rushed him through potting training and now he has become the beast that we know today. An "A" type personality......."A".........is for anal........."J" is for Jacks..........Cinnamon toasty apple jacks. This is why we will vanquish him from Uranus !

Aaron: Jin notice the true devotion and discipline the Cambodians and the Doomtroopers have for Lord Brando.

Jin: Your sounding better already Aaron.

Aaron: Yea man..........Ready for battle. Wonder what Volga was talking about? That they have a plan for the two of us?

Jin breaks into a wicked air guitar solo as the troops board the transport ships for Venus.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2007, 11:29:28 PM by Scott » Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #21 on: March 05, 2007, 08:50:16 AM »

....Jin's guitar solo is interrupted by Aaron's cell phone...

Aaron, "sh!t...it's my mom"

Jin, "you gonna answer it? we're running out of time!"

Aaron, "yeah I have to...uh boy"

Aaron answers and Jin can hear the garbbled nagging and yelling...supposedly Aaron was supposed to have returned long ago with a gallon of milk!  After an intense back-n-forth Aaron hangs up, "we got problems!"

Jin, "Bogus...what kinda problem?"

Aaron, "well, I just found out that we are actually working for DARTH Brando!

Jin, "then that must mean...
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Scott
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« Reply #22 on: March 05, 2007, 07:36:26 PM »

Brando: Halt right there guys. Don't mean to interrupt you while your mama tells you "bad" things about me. What I need you guys to do is to go deep into Uranus and tell me what you find. We don't know the way into Crigta's defenses, but you two are just right for the job.

Aaron: That's it Jin. This guy takes us for two turds.

Jin: Whoa ! ! !

Aaron: I'm outa here.

Just then Lord Brando's Doomtroopers stop them and they are injected with miniture nuke devices with timers on them. They have to obtain all vital intelligence on Crigtas defenses and the location of Crigta in order to make the planet Lord Brando's own and if they can't get back in time at least Lord Brando will have eliminated Crigta and his Horde of the Dead with the total destruction of Uranus. 

Aaron: Jin we have to come up with a plan...........fast.

Aaron and Jin are put into a small probe while Lord Brando's Doomtroopers distract Crigta's forces on the other side of Uranus.
« Last Edit: March 05, 2007, 08:11:19 PM by Scott » Logged

Doc Daneeka
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« Reply #23 on: March 06, 2007, 06:51:27 AM »

Aaron and Jin sit down inside the opening to the inner core of Uranus

Jin: alright, this is where it all starts. Obviously he's not in this layer, that wouldn't be arcane enough. But, if we dig deeper into the core we should reach Crigta before these things go off. then, if we're out of options we sacrifice ourselves and blow this whole bloody joint!

Aaron: Wait a damn second! You finally find a girlffriend who wants you, but not enough to set off that penguin mojo and you blow her to hell?

Jin: ...You're right, you save Jasmine, I'll sacrifice myself to blow this bloody joint to hell!

Aaron: What do you mean? That defeats the purpose, doesn't it?

Jin: Will you sacrifice yourself then?

Aaron: hell no! Why are you so stuck on this heroic death thing?

Jin: I dunno, I mean 2 nukes set to go off in 30 minu-

Aaron: Wait, that sunofab***h only gave us half an hour to find bizarro savior?! He wants us to blow ourselves up to stop this

Jin: Oh, I thought we were supposed to, ya' know, goes with the image...

Aaron: Yes it does, but this is no movie. We have to find somewhere to get these things taken out

Jin: Right... But just in case, we'll find Jasmine first!

Aaron: Fine, she should be easier

Aaron and jin run down the opening and find a doorway on the right. They take it and find a long hallway

Jin: This is the prison wing

Aaron: Why do you say that

A "whip!" and a scream is heard

Aaron: Nevermind, how do you do that?

Aaron and Jin speed down the hallway, looking in the windows of every holding cell. They stop when Jin hears Jasmine's voice

Jin: That's her! I heard...

Jasmine (offscreen): OOOh Yeah! Oh, that was nice, you ALWAYS know how to make me happy, Celina. Do it again!

Aaron: Now what the hell is that?

Jin and Aaron run towards Jasmine's (played by Audrey Tautou) cell to find her with a chunky green alien with an aardvark-like trunk, sucking in a stone and shooting it back out like a blowgun

Jasmine: TEE-HEE! Oh, hello Jin. You came to rescue us, right?

Jin: Who is... "us"?

Jasmine: oh, this is Celina, another virgin The dead 5 kidnapped. She's cheered me up quite a bit in this cramped holding cell. Look at how she sucks and blows!

Celina does the trick again

Jin: Hu-uH?

Aaron: Wait, can she suck, say, things out of a body?

Jasmine: Yes! What do you need?

Jin: A bomb!

Jasmine: A bomb?!

Jin: That's how Brando Shanghai'ed us into this

Jasmine: I don't-

Jin: Well you see, Marlon Brando-

Jasmine: No, I get that part, didn't you come for me?

Jin: (awkward) We-Well-

Aaron is getting his skin sucked by Celina, who pulls the bomb out with no visible skin disruption

Aaron: Uugh... Okay, your turn

Celina begins on Jin

Jasmine: So, you forgot all about me?

Jin: Noo! You were just... left... as a... This tickles!

Jasmine: Jin!

Jin: As a sideplot!

Celina sucks the bomb out and drops it

Jasmine: Siggh, I'm just a sideplot? It's like I don't even exist

Jin: Jasmine, wait, don't say-

Enter Dehoven with 4 evil troopers

Dehoven: Soon, you won't! And neither will my other 4 sacrifices for Crigta!

Jin: You just had to say... JASMINE!

Jasmine and Celina are taken helplessly from their cell, more troopers take a Decapodian, a robot, and a giant beast creature. The evil troops take the aliens away while Dehoven grabs ahold of Jasmine

Dehoven: You have no chance to survive, come my assassins!

Jin and Aaron are surrounded by a group of

*Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee)
*Leon the professional (Jean Reno)
*The Jackal (Edward Fox (Not Bruce Willis!))
*Dosu Kinuta (some ink on paper)
*Bunji Kugashira (more ink on paper)
*Wikipe-Tan (some pixels on a paint program)
*and Dale Gribble! (Mike Judge)

Aaron: Did it just get more than a bit nerdy in here?

Jin: No! Not again! I am tired of shooting through assassins of little importance. Just let me kill you already this is just wasting time. Now I know what will happen, we will fight these assassins, we will kill these assassins, and we will find you and we will

BANG!

Jin turns around, to see Aaron on the floor in a pool of blood

Jin: Aaron! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Dehoven: You see, I thought for a long time of stopping you with assassin after assassin. But, then I remembered Chuck Norris and realized where I made a mistake, if I sent an assassin at a time, you would just find their token boss weakness and kill them. So I thought, "I should have just sent them all after you at the same time!". And it was good...

Jin: You can't do this! Aaron's name is in almost all of the titles! This many boss battles at once is unfair!

Dehoven: Who said life was fair? This is no movie, boy. See you in hell, but I won't be there so, eh?

Dehoven leaves with Jasmine as the assassins converge on Jin

Scaramanga: You realize that for ages the enemy of Lycan has been vampire, werepenguin?

Scaramanga reveals a set of fangs!

Wikipe-Tan: Prepare to die, 1980s fancruft!

Dale: Monkey style!

Leon: Meh...

Jin: Can't lose! got to think of Jasmine, Jasmine, Jasmine!

Jin: (VO) Just then, I realized that to beat these things, I couldn't think of Jasmine, I had to think of

(Flashback, Wobble-Wobble...)
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 06:53:00 AM by Mr. Briggs Inc. » Logged

Get out da' waaaaaaaayyy, octopus comin' through!
clockworkcanary
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« Reply #24 on: March 06, 2007, 08:27:54 AM »






...my training days back with Master Jack Baytes (played by Ben Stein).  It's the only way I can fight these fools!

We get a montage of Master Baytes instructing and training Jin back when he was a bit younger (all to the sound of "Eye of the Tiger" playing in the background.  We see various shots of Master Baytes beating the tar outta Jin with various household items -everything including the kitchen sink.  We see Master Baytes push Jin onto some hot coals while barefooted; he drops melons from trees high above, smashing Jin in the stomach; we see Jin and Master Baytes doing keg stands; and finally, in the montage, we see Jin and co. sparring with various oddball opponents (a chef, a gardener, a magician, a group of monkeys, a cyborg chicken, and some guy in a smurf outfit).

After the montage is over, it appears that Jin is at some kind of graduation ceremony.  We see him and his classmates lined up to receive some sort of medal.  Aaron is standing next to him - apparently training in a different part of this strange campus.

Master Baytes addresses each graduate one by one, awarding them medals.  He addresses Aaron first, congratulating him for a job well done.  He addresses Jin, "Grasshoppa...you've been trained somewhat mediocre-like.  Because I'm in a good mood ...well...even though you kinda suck and all, I'm afraid you just barely graduated.  But I'm kinda sick of lookin' at ya and I don't really want you stinkin' up my ring next year so...here ya go (places the medal around him)...you have graduated from Grasshoppa to Penguin."

Jin: "Thank you Master" as he bows

Master Baytes: "Now get out of here!"

<wobble wobble wobble>

Jin, still surrounded, preparing his penguin stance, suddenly realizes he went to the wrong flashback.

Jin, "damn...I actually need to think back when...

<wobble wobble wobble>
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 09:32:25 AM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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« Reply #25 on: March 06, 2007, 12:31:25 PM »

Jin's old master had been following his least skilled student. Feeling guilty for not providing him with proper training he has kept a distant eye on his former student..........with Master Baytes on Uranus there is a new hope for our duo and perhaps Jin can complete his training. Master Baytes enters to help Jin and Aaron battle Dehoven's assassins.

Jin: Master Baytes?

Master Baytes: Behind ya Jin ! ! !

Jin executes an inside knife edge to the throat of an assassin.

Aaron: Come on you two. There's to many to fight ! ! !

Aaron holds the exit door of the cell block while Jin and Master Baytes exit. Aaron locks the door between them and the assassins.

Aaron: That should hold them for a while. Let's go.

Master Baytes: Jin your way out of your league here. Lets get off this planet now.

Jin: We have to get Jasmine.

Aaron: Hurry up ! ! ! Dehoven took Jasmine this way.

The trio begin to search the catacombs of Uranus.

Master Baytes: Jin, you still have your mothers waddle. How am I going to train you?

Aaron: It smells in this place.

Master Baytes: Uranus isn't suppose to smell like roses.

At that moment a sqaud of guards turn on a microwave weapon to stop the trio. With the machine on the aged Master Baytes falls to the ground dying of what appears to be a stroke.

Aaron: Get back ! ! !

Jin: Master..........

Jin becomes dis-orientated and starts to vomit and looses control of his bowels from the effects of the microwave device. With Aaron safe behind a rock the guards turn off the weapon to see who was out there.
Aaron waits for them. While behind the rock deep inside Uranus Aaron gets his powers back. He begins to harden into the shape of the surronding rock hiding himself from the guards. With the guards checking on Jin and Master Baytes. Aaron starts to roll quickly towards the guards................
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 12:47:50 PM by Scott » Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #26 on: March 06, 2007, 01:53:51 PM »

...knocking a few of them down like bowling pins (with the accompanying sound effect).  Aaron stands at full height and engages the remaining guard in hand to hand.   We see, just for a split second, all this same action taking place on the Big Boss's TV screen.  Apparently he's watching from an undisclosed location.

Aaron punches down the guard; it mutters something about not allowing anything that hard in Uranus before it dies.  Jin comes to and  they both run to their former Master.

Master Baytes, chocking, making an over the top dramatic death scene, mutters, "....promise...promise me you will train the boy..."

Aaron and Jin look at each other; they are rather confused...

Master Baytes, "I mea...mean...<cough cough> ....here....take this" as he hands them another piece of the map.  Master Baytes slumps over and closes his eyes, passing into the netherworld.  His body disappears.

Aaron, "we'll miss you Master"

Jin has finally deduced that Aaron is back after having been shot, "dude, like whoa!  Didn't you die?!"

Aaron, "hahaha that was a rock decoy"

Jin, "huh?"

Aaron, "look...it's right here in the script" as he points to it on page 37.

Jin, "oh ...ok" and they toss the script to the side.

Aaron notices movement from one of the guards.  One is finally coming to.  Aaron quickly grabs him, slaps him around, "where did they take Jasmine?!"  ...no answer.  Aaron slaps him some more.

Jin, "like, dude, you better tell us, like, totally"

Guard, "ok ok...they took her to the depot...back on Mars..." but suddenly, the guard is hit with a mysterious dart, which is probably supposed to kill him, however it just stings him a little bit, "ouch...wtf was that?"

Jin and Aaron, "I dunno" and they leave the guard and head down the long corridor of Uranus.

Jin, "so let's check out that map"

Aaron opens the map, which depicts a reddish desert with a big blue X among a series of canals...
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Scott
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« Reply #27 on: March 06, 2007, 02:27:37 PM »

Jin: Aaron, this red map must be a map of Mars and that blue X must mean something.

Aaron: You think so?

Jin: Yes, but I'm not sure I can go on after what Master Baytes did. It's my fault. I should be dead now and I thought you were also dead according to page 37 in the script. People are dying.

Aaron: Jin, he's in a better place now. It was unfortunate that Master Baytes died of a stroke because of the wave device, but we must move on. What about Jasmine?

Jin: Your right Aaron. Jasmine means a lot to me and my love for her has no bounds. I will do anything for her.....Thanks Aaron for everything..............Oh Aaron, let me hang onto the map because you might not even be here right now according to the script.

Aaron: Ok, if it will make you feel better.

Back down the corridor Master Baytes re-appears from the neatherworld and slaps the guard around some more. Then he spanks the guard and then makes him squeal like a pig till the guard gives him the location of Crigta.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 02:32:22 PM by Scott » Logged

clockworkcanary
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« Reply #28 on: March 06, 2007, 02:35:57 PM »

Guard Melvin, looking the ghost of Master Baytes right in the ghostly eye, "no...that's not true...it's impossible!  You died of a stroke!"

Ghostly Master Baytes: "Search your feelings; you know it to be true" as he clenches his ghostly fist, "I've had many strokes and I beat them all!"

Guard Melvin, "but...but...I'll die if I tell you..."

Ghostly Master Baytes: "ok...we'll have to do this the hard way"  as he starts to swirl around the guard in a ghastly smoke.  The spectral Master Baytes possesses the guard, deep in corridors of Uranus.   

He adjusts his guard jacket and heads towards the control room to do a little recon; he swears to his ghostly self that he'll find out where this Critga dwells...

Meanwhile...Aaron and Jin find themselves stumbling into a damp ugly garage.  In the garage, they search the wreckage for some usable transportation. 

Aaron, "look at all this junk!"

Jin, "yeah looks like someone's wrecked 'em"

Eventually, they find a small rusty-brown ship that actually works, which they use to blast out of Uranus with a huge explosion.   Here they meet the ship's female android with advanced AI, who calls herself Celest.  They become friends during the long voyage.

They fly for a few days and eventually see the Martian landscape in the viewport.

Celest, "wow this place looks surreal"

Jin, "it's the strangest thing I've come across since Uranus"

Aaron, "look over there!"
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 03:20:47 PM by clockworkcanary » Logged

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« Reply #29 on: March 06, 2007, 03:11:02 PM »

Meanwhile Lord Brando and Volga are monitoring the "nuclear devices" that were really just tracking life monitor devices to protect Jin and Aaron on Uranus. With the signal showing no vital signs Lord Brando and Volga begin to desend to the surface with heavy heavy anti-aircraft fire as they come in.

Lord Brando: Volga, it wasn't Jin's destiny to die in Uranus. We must go down and get him.

Volga: He's gone Lord.

Lord Brando: Captain Ngyen dispatch the Doomtroopers.

Captain Ngyen: Yes Lord.

The Doomtroopers once on the ground head straight towards Crigta's Mircowave guns. Manned by Dehovens Clowns from Downtown. The Doomtroopers heavy synthetic armor stop the heat fired from Crigta's infantry weapons.

Captain Ngyen: The enemy is on the run.

Lord Brando: Captain have the Cambodian guard ready we will use the entrance at the base of the mountain.

Captain Ngyen: Yes Lord.

Volga: Crigta commands The Horde Of The Dead.

Lord Brando talking into his recorder.

Lord Brando: What is death?

With Lord Brando's personal guard the Cambodian Army they enter the labyrinth of tunnels taking Brando and Volga into the depts of the planet.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2007, 03:34:35 PM by Scott » Logged

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    Earth is visited by a GIANT ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD! Gawk at the amazingly bad bird puppet, or chuckle over the silly dialog. This is one of the greatest b-movies ever made.

    Lesson Learned:
    • Osmosis: os·mo·sis (oz-mo'sis, os-) n., 1. When a bird eats something.

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