Interactive Bad Movie: Super Porcupine Omelet

[Scott]

It's Captain Nguyen of the famed and dead Cambodian Three Hundred Thousand.

Captain Nguyen: "Volga.........this way."

Volga: "Always good to see you alive again and again Captain Nguyen."

Captain Nguyen: "Was hanging out in the Netherworld when I saw Lord Brando in trouble."

Volga and the Three Hundred Thousand grab Jin, Jasmine, Trevor, Celeste/Baytes from the evil clutches of sadistic Menard and goat headed face painter Ashthecat from outer space. Jin attempts to convert Menard and Ashthecat while Volga and the Three Hundred Thousand take the elevator back to the surface ten soldiers at a time. Later that very week with the last of the Three Hundred Thousand finally reaching the surface we find Jin and company still in a lively debate over the nature of the God, The Universe, and Reality itself.

Jin: "So you see Lord Brando is the Messiah of the Universe."

Ashthecat: "So he's over us?"

Menard: "No.......He's under us and everywhere."

Ashthecat: "Does he like goats?"

Jin: "I suppose."

Ashthecat: "How bout goats milk and cheese?"

Jin: "Well......yea I suppose."

Ashthecat: "He seems like a swell guy."

Menard: "We'll join you....................after all you guys do have the Soul Cracker rifle, The Microwave Weapons from Uranus, and my Black Spirit Whip."

Jin: "That's right Menard and don't forget Lord Brando and Volga have the power of the Kiss."

Menard: "Yucks.......That's mushy stuff."

With the two new converts Jin and his crew head to the surface just as the last of the Three Hundred Thousand Cambodian Guard line up in formation along with a remnant of the Doomtroopers. Approaching the scene are a newly converted Moose herd of Five Hundred Thousand from the distant lush valleys of Europa led by Odinn7 and the squirrel brigade. With things beginning to come together for our space hero's we find the good Lord himself in dire-straights being brought his first two women for the day..................Between Lord Brando and his ever faithful armies we find Donald Prime, The uncountable Jelly Juggernauts, a reformed order of Clowns from Downtown led by Dehoven, and the dreaded Horde of the Dead...........Will they be able to rescue Lord Brando before the midnight hour and possible execution to be followed out by Clockworkcanary who doesn't yet know that Lord Brando died long ago on Venus. The good Lord being already dead he doesn't have any juice to seed with. This will naturally result in the worst for the beloved Lord Brando who's at the mercy of Clockworkcanary.

[clockworkcanary]

At the miniscule preceeding moment before Lord Brando's ultimate torture, the arrival of a beast named T-Rex.  Lord Brando beholds as she charges through the doorway as Evil Twin Clockworkcanary laughs like a maniac.  Lord Brando catches the beast's gaze and it sends him into a perpetual wagon of madness as he slumps to his side, drool dripping from his foul mouth, crashing through the bedside table.

Suddenly, recently freed Good Twin Clock busts through the door, just in time to save Lord Brando.  The twins engage in a luminuous battle of crazy spells and firepower.  They cancel each other out of existence and one of the Torture Commanders ceases to exist. 

The explosion rocks the entire area ...everyone nearby can feel the effects.  Fortunately for Lord Brando, T-Rex took the brunt of the explosion, but he still managed to be blasted halfway across the compound. 

In fact, his body is sent spiraling through the mess hall, where he is caught in the arms of none other than...

[Trevor]

................the zombie Trevor, now appearing to be totally incorporated. Trevor shudders in disgust and drops T-Rex on his head, causing thousands of twittering birds to encircle the great scone of the one-time Steven Spielberg and Roger Corman collaborator. The birds are delightfully incontinent, causing the TRex to bellow in agony with all the excess guano dripping off his head and onto his teeth.

Trevor: "Hell, but you stink."

TR: (wincing in agony and battling to clean the excreta off his teeth): "Not my fault, son. Where did you come from, anyway? We haven't seen you for a while, TrevZom."

Trevor: "I've been in the WC."

TR: "The toilet?"

Trevor: (smacks TRex in the face and regrets it) "Show some respect, you chicken ancestor! My mother was born there! No, the Western Cape. In George, South Africa." (wipes hand on his Tommy Hilllfigger shirt ~ no typo, it is a cheap knock-off)

TR: "What if I bite you for that slap?"

Trevor: "You couldn't bite for sh--: oh, hang on, you have, haven't you? Where are Jin, Aaron and Lord Brando?"

TR: "They go boom boom, they dead."

Trevor: (stares in horror, winces in pain from his full bladder) "What are you saying? What about Ash and Menard?"

TR: "Ash and his chainsaw have gone back to the store, Menard has taken the goat head and is going to be in the remake of The Devil Rides Out.

Trevor: "I see. Well, I'm going now."

TR: "Where to?"

Trevor: "I won't be back, but something will." (Smiles evily)

[Doc Daneeka]

Trevor strategically makes his way through the now-shaking corridor, seeing several soldiers of both sides dead on the floor. As he takes out a new piece of the map, Donald Prime (carrying a greivously wounded 3-arms) and Wikipe-Tan walk by. He hides the map behind his back

Donald Prime: Have you seen Lord Brando or anyone else who I hate?

Trevor: Nope

Donald Prime and Wikipe-Tan walk on and so does Trevor, who looks at the map again, then takes a gun off one of the guards and blows a hole in the cavern, revealing a black staircase illuminated by bright angelic light. Trevor steps down...

THE DEVASTATED BIG BOSS THRONE ROOM, RUMBLING JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE PLANET, THE FIGHT STILL RAGES WITH MENARD AND ASH JOINED IN, AND ROCKS HAVE CRUSHED THE ELEVATOR

Jin: Well we've brought in the cavalry, how do we get back to Dehoven?

Jasmine: We can't, the lower section's sealed off, he's probably dead already

Jin (clearly in madness): NOOOO! I will make sure! I must kill him!

Jasmine: Jin!

Aaron: He's right, off his ass crazy, but right. Weirder things have happened, he could have survived

Volga: We have to find a way back in

Celeste/Baytes: We could be crushed

Jin: I could be crushed

Volga: Jin, that's conceited!

Jin: No, it's the exact opposite of conceited, I'm going down myself

Jasmine: Jin! You'll die without help!

Jin: That's my choice,

Jasmine: And this is mine, I'm going with you!

Jin: Jasmine, you've become stronger you can go on, but I'm still me, and I'll die without you!

Jasmine throws her head into her hands, sobbing

Jin: Jas...

Jasmine: If you really want to die, then just go! There's an opening over there!

Donald's soldiers march down a small opening. Jin tearfully loks at Jasmine, and follows them, kicking them out of the way as he goes down

THE INNER CRIGTA PIT

Dehoven: Bastards! Bass-turds! This will be most difficult without a goatheaded priest or a whipwielding orgy master! But I'll try...

Dehoven slips on an Ash-like goat head and picks up a whip, chanting something and thrusting it at an adorably cute little alien, forcing it into the black, fiery pit. 2-more adorably cute and sexy aliens look on...

BACK ENTRANCE TO THE CRIGTA DOMAIN

Jin charges forward to meet Jackal and Wimp-Lo, the former holding a gun to his head

Jackal: Don't move

Jin... other guy. Where's Kugashira?

Jackal: Dead, he-

And with that, Jin knocks the gun from Jackal's hands into his own and points the weapon at him. Wimp-Lo, attempting villainous heroics attempts to death-blow Jin, but is himself smashed backwards in one hit by an unflinching Jin

Jackal: What the-

Jin: What happened to Donald? I won't ask you again

Wimp gets up

Wimp: He's bluffing! He doesn't have the guts to-

Jin shoots Wimp, the blood gets on Jackal

Jackal: You didn't have to do that, he's just being stupid!

Jin: Sorry, I'm a bit impulsive right now, so it would be best for you to simply answer and get out of my way... WHERE-IS-PLEASENCE?

Jackal: You said you wouldn't ask again!

Jin: Strike one!

Jackal: Corridor 8 and heading southward!

Jin: Thank you, now kindly leave, before you the last of the humanity I seem to be feeling now is successfully p**sed out.

Jin is becoming more werepenguin by the moment

Jackal: Just what I was doing before I got here

The Jackal wisely begins to leave, but a Wikipe-Tan hairclip flies after Jackal with the intent of executing him! Jin sees it and snatches it out of thin air. Jackal worriedly hesitates.

Jin: LEAVE... NOW!

The Jackal obeys, Jin coldly presses the clip with his thumb

CORRIDOR 8, DONALD AND WIKIPE-TAN CONTINUE TO SEARCH FOR BRANDO AND DEHOVEN, SUDDENLY, WIKIPE-TAN FREEZES AND YELLS IN PAIN, SURROUNDED BY RED ELECTRICITY!

Donald: Wikipe-Tan?

Wikipe-Tan: It's Jin! I usually take the neutral viewpoint, but I can sense... he's angry!

Donald sneers and motions for Wikipe-Tan to continue, they do, and Jin in corridor 1 slowly follows the signs to them

DEVELOPMENTS:
*Jin is going cray-zee (and penguin-y)
*Most of the heroes stay upside to fight the battle there
*Jin goes back underground to search for Donald Prime to lead him to Dehoven and Crigta
*Dehoven attempts to perform the resurrection ritual himself
*Donald, Wikipe-Tan, and 3-Arms continue searching for the lost Brando and Dehoven when they are alerted to Jin's presence when he painfully squeezes Wikipe-Tan's hairclip
*Wimp-lo is killed
*The Jackal is allowed to run away by Jin
*Trevor delves into a secluded, bright cave to find what he told T-Rex he would get

----

This is my last post in this thread, but after the others are done there is an alternate, extended ending to be found at the following URL. I didn't want to bump the topic just to make sure that future readers could find it ;).

http://www.badmovies.org/forum/index.php/topic,115984.0.html

[clockworkcanary]

clockworkcanary's Jakked "it was all a hallucination" ending...
This is my lame ending - I encourage every writer to do their own ending, omitting the content of this post (each of us should do our own b-movie ending).


...Jin sees total blackness...

Familiar voice: "Jin...Jin....stay away from the light"

Jin thinks to himself, "what light?"

He opens his eyes to a bright and annoying light overhead.  He lies awake, finally, from a long coma.  People surround the table -all familiar faces: Jasmine, Pleasence, Aaron, Volga, Brando, Dale, Wiki-Tan, and the rest...all friends and family.

Jasmine, "Jin...you were out so long?! We thought we lost you"

Jin, "wha...wh....what happened?"

Aaron, "the bus you were on wrecked into a fuel truck ...big explosion, bigger mess"

Jin, "oh my...and I lived?! ....but what happened to you Aaron, you were sitting with me on the bus?"

Person, "Aaron?  are you ok? ....I'm Bill."

Bill looks at the rest of the familiy and shrugs.  Jin goes around the room to his brothers, sisters, cousins, and his fiance, calling each by the wrong names, "but but...you were there!"

Nurse, "the meds he's been on will have some <ahem> strange side effects"

Cousin Oliver, "well, let's give him some adjustment time and we can come back"

Bill (still Aaron according to Jin) leans over him and smiles suspiciously, "yes...yes I think you're right"

Everone departs the room with Bill leaving last.  As he pulls the door behind him he smiles evily, revealing very large penguin fangs, "see you soon childling"

The door shuts, Jin screams, The End

[Scott]

While the closing credits role we see Lord Brando in his Venetian tomb with tape recorder in hand.

Lord Brando: "The horror......the horror."

We'd like to extend a thank you to the goverment of Uranus for the many location shots.

[clockworkcanary]

Looking forward to the other endings guys n gals.